All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S04E20 - The Greatest Date in the World (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda)

Wow, Marcus,

I've never started
a date this early.

I usually like
the shroud of darkness.

You know, to hide my hoist
and pulley shapewear system.

Well, we are headed
to my favorite Chinese spot,

and it takes about
two hours to get there.

Hold up, hold up... two hours?

Where is it?
China?

I was all, "China?"

Seriously,
if you wanted Chinese,

we can go to Asian Kitchen.
It's around the corner.

Yeah, but that's a chain.

It's not really
authentic Chinese.

I mean, their mascot

is a panda voiced by Kevin Hart.

Why would you settle
for Asian Kitchen

when you know there's
something better out there?

Listen, trust me,
I pride myself on knowing

the best place in New York

to do just about everything.

Everything?

Okay, Mr. New York.

Show me what you got.

This place?

Hands down, the best
General Tso's chicken

in New York.

Ooh.

I want to eat that poor bastard.

- This one here?
- Yeah.

This place has the best vodka.

Whoa, it was worth

the racist encounter
at the door.

This place has the best
interactive theater experience.

Wow.

I like that that happened to me.

It's smart.

Well, this is my apartment.

- You know what?
- Mm-hmm?

I just thought of one more

really cool thing
I want to show you.

Oh, hey, I don't know if I can.

I'm still really tired
from that adult pillow fight

you took me to.

- Oh.
- Whoa.

No, see, I also know a guy

for the best sex in New York.

Whoa.

In conclusion, may I remind you

that it is illegal
to bet on the birth weight

of a baby in hospitals,
under New York state law.

- Sorry, I thought...
- I have an announcement.

I am so sick of the basic-bitch

gen pop places
where we order lunch.

- Ohh!
- And I'm lucky because

the cool guy I'm dating
has some recommendations

for some new places.

These are, like,
three hours away.

Mindy, I thought you
loved chain restaurants.

Panera Bread sends you
flowers on your birthday.

Not since they banned me

for eating a long baguette
in a "lewd manner."

Speaking of birthdays,

I have one coming up
in a few days,

and, I'm not expecting anything,

but it's an opportunity
for a grand surprise.

Okay, does anybody have
any actual business to discuss?

- I have a business.
- Okay.

As we all know,
Dr. C's office has been vacant

since him and Dr. L's
ugly breakup.

Well, meanwhile,
over in phlebotomy,

three larger-than-life nurses

are sharing a room
the size of a closet.

Yeah, that's why
we had our accident.

Break time, girls.
Let's dish.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Ah! A skeleton!

Oh, God!

I still have blood
in all my creases.

So we think
the best use of Dr. C's office

would be...
a nurse's lounge.

I'm sorry, you people want
a nurse's lounge?

- Yeah.
- Uh, no, no.

You're lucky to have jobs.

The doctors have a lounge

where they can
go blow off steam.

Why can't we have the same?

Because we went
to medical school.

I like the way the place is now.

There's a fun upstairs
downstairs vibe.

This isn't
"Downton Abbey," Jody.

And I'm not Mrs. Patmore.

Yeah, Colette is obviously
Mrs. Patmore.

I'm Laura Linney.

I, for one,
think it might be nice

for the nurses to have
a comfy little nook

in which to discuss
their modest dreams.

You know, Dr. Lahiri,
you're the only doctor

that I actually look forward
to seeing every year.

Aw, me, too.
I'll tell you something.

You are my favorite patient.

No, it's true.

One night, I got drunk
and ranked you guys.

Well,
I'm sort of seeing someone.

We're not dating,
but we're not not dating.

Kay, what does that mean?

Well, it's like
we're best friends,

- but we have sex.
- Red flag.

And he won't
call me his girlfriend,

but he says our connection
goes beyond labels.

Red flag.

Jonah doesn't want
to be tied down.

I mean, he's a photographer.

Ooh, huge, huge red flag.

I know it's not perfect,

but dating's hard
when you're our age.

Yeah, I hear that.

I recently went on a date

with a guy who had
a mannequin on his couch.

No explanation.

The worst part is
I went out with him again,

then they dumped me.

So I've been thinking a lot

about trying
to get pregnant now.

Do you think you could help me?

Hmm.
Let's see.

Would I be interested

in getting a fellow bangable,
hot fashionista pregnant?

Um, how's this for an answer?

I'm... I'm so sorry.

"Sisters Are Doin' It for
Themselves" is supposed to play.

Instead, I signed up
to be an Uber driver.

Okay, anyway, the point is

I would love
to put a baby in you.

- You would?
- Yeah!

- Really?
- This is great.

I will just set up
an appointment with you

at my fertility clinic.
Oh, my God.

You're gonna meet Louis,
my sperm guy.

Ugh. This guy?
Cream of the crop.

I actually told him
he should use that as a motto,

and he said it was crass.
I don't know.

I got to go.

I have an Uber I have to go
pick up on 31st Street.

Dr. Reed,
welcome to the nurse's lounge.

- You want a tour?
- Yes, please.

Come on in.

Over here is Tamra's spa.

I'm feelin' hella Zen.

Shh-shh. Leave her alone.
Leave her alone.

Right here is Colette's area.

I'm making a P-51 Mustang.

My grandpa shot down 11 Japanese

in one of these bad boys.

And a couple of friendlies.

Let me show you "Morgan's
Poetry Corner" right here.

Here's a little something
I've been working on.

"Digital overload.

"Social media motherlode.

"Verizon, you don't own me.

"Verizon, release me
from your roaming

and anytime fees."

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Well, I'm glad
you're having fun.

Oh, look at this.

"They pay me to work here.

They don't pay me to like it."

Yeah, isn't that poster funny?

I actually don't think I get it.

I mean, British humor
is obviously a lot more subtle.

Have you guys seen
"The Farting Vicar"?

What's not to get?

The cows represent us,

and what they're saying
represents how we feel.

Well, as long as you're
all enjoying yourselves.

Oh, my God.
I had it all wrong.

I just thought it was funny
because he's got a briefcase.

Oh, my God.
Eden, look at this one.

He is Harvard-educated,

super handsome,
and he's a marathon runner.

New York Marathon.

See, I'm not like
other spermists

who sell you a marathon runner,

and then you find out
it's Chicago...

a notoriously easy
and flat marathon.

- So easy.
- Jody Kimball-Kinney,

I am not talking to you.

- Why? What did I do?
- You won't give me a sample.

How can you deprive the world

of another pair
of those cheekbones?

You keep sweet-talking
me like that, Louis,

and you'll wear
me down eventually.

Okay. It really feels like
you're leading him on.

No, no, it's all in fun.

Wait, what about this guy?

You have great taste.

Stud 14 is very popular.

Wait, does that mean
that my child will have,

like, a ton
of brothers and sisters?

What if they accidentally
sleep together?

I mean, I'm sure that would be
a great show on Amazon, but...

That's highly unlikely.

Besides, your child
will never have

any information
on the donor's identity.

I don't know,
wouldn't it be better

for it to be somebody
who would be involved

in the child's life?

Eden, it's also pretty hard

to raise a kid with someone
you're not with.

But that's what you're doing.

Yeah, I know,
but I didn't mean to do that.

This morning,
Danny and I had an hour-long fight

over the theme
of our son's birthday party.

He wanted "baseball."

I wanted "leather and lace."

Baseball? Gross.

Thank you, Louis.

Look, Dr. Lahiri,

I think I just need
a little time to think.

Oh. Okay.

Sure. Sure.
It's your decision.

That was a really
interesting dinner.

I did not know that

Transylvania even had a cuisine.

But you liked it, right?

I mean, you ate
all your charred crow.

It was very crunchy.

Hey, do you think
that we can stop at Barnes & Noble?

I have to pick up a gift
for my coworker.

His birthday's in a couple days.

Yeah, sure, but not...
not there.

Big box bookstores kind of suck,

unless you're looking for
a celebrity cookbook or something.

Wait a second,
have you even tried

Ryan Seacrest's recipe
for potatoes Au gratin?

They're the bomb.

Where do you get books?

From the best bookstore
in New York.

I got to be honest, Marcus,
I know that this is a cool way

to get around right now,
but that was a long-ass way

to travel by bike.
Plus, a bird's wing hit my face.

But it was worth it, right?

I mean, look. Come here.
Come here. Look at this.

- Kay.
- Quentin.

- Hey!
- Where it's at.

I am looking for a copy
of "Lonesome Dove."

Ooh.

I don't sell any
mainstream fiction.

I have a collection

of Robert Mapplethorpe's
male nudes.

Would he like that?

No, he... he wouldn't like that.

Hmm.
You should try Barnes & Noble.

Sorry to waste your time, bro.

Okay. Thank you.

Let's go. Let's go.

So I've been doing
a lot of thinking,

and I think I finally settled
on a sperm donor.

Oh, good.
Number 31?

His penis measurements
were very impressive.

- No.
- Oh, no, of course.

I mean, that shouldn't
matter anyway, but damn.

I'm just happy you
picked someone, you know?

I was really worried that I freaked
you out the other day.

No, what you said
was really eye-opening.

I mean, if you have
a baby with a guy,

and it doesn't work out,
that could be a disaster.

- Exactly.
- But if it does work out,

that's the ideal situation.

So that's why
I'm gonna have a baby

- with my not-boyfriend Jonah.
- What? Jonah?

No, that is the worst idea
I have ever heard,

and I played saxophone
in high school to get guys.

Jonah and I are
really great together,

plus, once we have the baby,

I think he's gonna
want to really settle down

- and be a great dad.
- Oh, no, no, no.

Eden, trying to trap a guy
never works.

If it did,
Joey McIntyre would still

be locked
in my parents' basement.

Kay? You cannot
tell him about this.

Well, it's a little
late for that.

Hey. Jonah.
Here to be the dad.

Hey, what's that nurse's deal?

Hey, Jody,
we have a huge problem.

You got too small a venue
for my surprise birthday party?

Easy, just get an overflow room
showing a simulcast.

No, no, no.

We can't do
Eden's in vitro, okay?

There's a problem
with the donor.

I don't like his personality.

Excuse me?
That's a problem?

Yeah, I met him and he sucks.

He's clearly not
serious about Eden,

and he smell like
whatever I think drugs

are supposed
to smell like, okay?

- He can't be a father.
- Sure, he can.

My father was a terrible man,
and he sired three angels,

and a couple of Cuban kids,

which we were never
allowed to meet.

Eden is, like,
my favorite patient, okay?

I think, in the long run,
she'd be better off

using a donor
and raising the kid by herself.

As reproductive facilitators,

it is our job
to give medical advice

and then let our patients
make their own decisions.

It's unethical, Mindy.

Okay, but if a person
is tied to the tracks,

and a train is coming,
I'm gonna untie them.

Or at least
I'm going to kill them

in a more merciful way,

like bash their brains in
with a rock.

One thing's for sure.

If they're hot,
I'm gonna kiss 'em.

Mindy, you don't know this man,

and you know you
jump to conclusions,

like how you assume
Colette knew Ellen.

- Yeah.
- I mean, she does.

They're very close, but still...

Catastrophe!

The nurses hate working here.

I was in their lounge,

and they have
a poster up that says

"They pay me to work here.

They don't pay me to like it."

And it cut like a knife.

If you think
the poster's disrespectful,

just tell them to take it down.

I don't want them
to take it down, Jody.

I want them
to want to take it down.

You know what?
If they don't like working here,

they can take a hike...
we'll hire immigrants,

we'll pay them nothing,
and if they complain,

we'll turn them in.
Adios, amigos!

Well, maybe they have
a reason to be unhappy.

But, you know what?
No longer.

Because from now on,
I'm gonna take those frowns,

and I'm going to invert them.

Kay?

Thank you for letting me
come with you

to collect this sample.

I'm so cooped up in the office,

and I heard when
you go to people's houses,

sometimes
they offer you a drink.

Yeah, okay, listen.

I need to do a little recon

on this particular donor, okay?
Jody's right.

Maybe Jonah's secretly
a great guy.

I'm secretly a great guy.

Hey.

Are you the weed guy?

Yes, I'm an impeccably dressed

Indian woman who sells weed.

If anything, she'd sell coke.

Thank you.
I'm here to see Jonah.

Oh, hello, Jonah.

It is I, Dr. Lahiri,
from the other day.

And it is I, Morgan,
from right now.

All right.
Yeah.

Eden told me
somebody was coming by

to pick up my sample.
Can I get you guys anything?

You want something to drink?

Jackpot.

I'll have a root beer float.
Frosted mug.

- How about a water?
- Even better.

Stop.

Jonah, this
is an incredible space.

It's, um,

not that kid-friendly,
though, huh?

Thanks, my interior designer

does all
of Vincent Gallo's homes.

Oh, he seems like a good guy.

So when did you decide
you wanted to be a dad?

One day, Eden was like,

"Yo, I want to have a baby,"

and I was like, "A baby?

But I'm only 39."

Then I thought about it,
and I was like,

I've done way weirder stuff
than that, so here you go.

Whoa!

Though, if you're not
the settling down type,

what are you gonna do
when the baby comes?

I'm assuming I'll just
kind of figure it out.

Okay. Are you going
to keep doing drugs?

Probably.

Are you and the baby and Eden
going to live together?

I don't know.

Whose insurance
is the baby going to be under?

I should probably be sober
when I make that decision.

Yeah, that's the problem, Jonah.

When you say you're going
to figure things out,

eventually you got
to figure things out.

You know what?
You're right.

I haven't thought
this through at all.

I... can I get
my yuck back, please?

Comin' at you.

Do not throw the semen sample!

He threw it at me.

Yeah, but you're a nurse!

I hope everyone's enjoying
their expensive meal.

See? Working at Shulman
has its perks.

I don't know.

We have to do all the crap work
the doctors don't want to do.

Right, but, I mean,
you're nurses.

See, it's that attitude
right there,

which is fine.
We're used to it.

'Cause in this society,
if you are a lesbian,

or a black woman,
or a person of filth,

it's just how it is.

You know, look, I want you guys

to like coming to work, okay?

And if there's anything I can do
to make that easier...

- I would love Fridays off.
- Oh... paid lunches.

Oh, I want an intern.

Well, you know,
if those are the things

that make you happy
to work at Shulman,

then I'm happy to oblige.

- Ha-ha, for real?
- Are you serious?

While we're at it,
look at that popcorn machine.

Oh, man. That's awesome.

Look at this. We put this
in the nurses' lounge?

Boom. It's like
a movie theater lobby.

Yeah! Yeah!

So in Yonkers,
there's a pop-up Burger King

inside an old McDonald's.

Or, Donald Glover
is reading his space opera

in a granite mine.

What if we just
stayed in tonight?

Okay, so when you say
"stay in," you mean...

You know, why don't we just
get to know each other better?

Maybe watch a little TV?

Oh! Okay, well,

if you like TV, check this out.

There's a theater
in Ditmas Park.

They perform
old "Full House" reruns

with the commercials.

No, no, no, no.
The opposite of that.

Okay, so you want
to just sit here

and not do the best of anything?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Kay.

- I don't like this.
- No. Me, neither.

Marcus, I feel like I don't
really know you very well.

I mean, sure you do.
You know I like food

and authentic Japanese arcades.

- You know...
- No, absolutely.

I know about all
the interesting things you like.

I just don't know
what you're like.

Okay, wait a minute...
are you trying to say

that I don't have a personality?

Because I have a personality,

and it's, like, really good.

I know.

I followed BuzzFeed's
ten simple steps

to having a good personality.

Look, I'm sure you have
a great personality,

and you're very handsome.
It's just...

I've been on a lot
of special dates,

but I'd like to think

that the greatest date
in the world

would be sitting on my sofa,

watching a movie,
with the right person.

Getting the sense
you maybe don't want to do

the scavenger hunt
on Governors Island?

No, blow my brains out.

Okay. All right.
All right. I get it.

I guess this is the end.

You know,
you may not be the best

of anything in New York,
but you're pretty fun.

Eden!

It's egg retrieval day,

but don't worry,

this is going to go over easy.

Because I'm egg-cellent at it.

Is this funny to you?
I... it cracks me up.

- Mindy, I'm really upset.
- Oh.

Because Jonah didn't show up.
I knew it.

No, he said that you
went to his house,

and you freaked him out,
and you negged his sperm!

Kay, Eden, look,
I am very sorry,

but I was just trying
to prevent you from making

- a big mistake.
- It's none of your business!

Thank God I talked him down.

I told him that I would pay
for the baby's college.

And that I'd pay off
his college.

Wait, so you still
want me to do the retrieval?

- Oh, you're not doing anything.
- I am.

Eden would like me
to take the case.

You simply can't
respect boundaries.

Okay. Okay, there has been
a big misunderstanding.

I am great with boundaries.

Mindy, what you did was wrong.

Yeah, but it was
for the right reason.

Mindy, I think it's time
for you to leave.

Okay, do what you want, Eden,

but this is how
this plays out, okay?

You have a baby with Jonah.

He says you'll
be together forever.

It doesn't work,
and everything is a big mess.

And you.

To think that I was going
to send you an email tomorrow

that said, "I'm sorry
I forgot your birthday."

This popcorn machine
is the best grand

I've ever spent
out of my own pocket.

- Can I get anyone a bowl?
- No, I'm good.

I guess I'm starting to think
of popcorn as work food now.

Yeah, but maybe
if we had a snow cone machine,

I would feel differently.

Aww, can we please
have a snow cone machine?

I don't want popcorn anymore.

I've eaten so much,
I feel like I'm going to die.

What the hell is that?
Okay, I am done being subtle.

I gave you
everything you wanted.

You have the gall
to keep that poster up.

You were bribing us?
And I accepted it?

Now I can't run for Congress.
Thanks a lot!

Take that poster down forthwith!

No!
This is our space,

and we can put up
whatever we want.

We don't come into your space

and tell you
to take down your picture

of a little girl on a horse.

That's me!
On Ginger!

Fine.

No, no, no!
I want popcorn now!

- Come on, man.
- I want popcorn now!

Jody, you better
lawyer up, bitch!

What makes you think
that you can go behind my back

and take my patient?

How would you like it
if I took some of your stuff?

Like these walnuts?

I don't think
I'd care particularly.

They're nuts.
They're not that expensive.

Oh, you know what?

I don't need
to hear that right now.

I stole your patient
for your own good.

Like when I stopped you
from eating the salt packets

in the kitchen.

Those salt packets

are a very delicious
afternoon snack.

Yes, I went to Jonah's house,

and I behaved a little
unprofessionally.

That's because I knew
that he was a loser,

- and Eden needed to know.
- Blah, blah, blah.

All I'm hearing is you
overstepping your boundaries,

as you always do.

Like when you inexplicably
flashed Mark in radiology.

Yeah, and now we get
our X-rays like that.

- Like that, we get them.
- Well, this is worse.

Now you're projecting your own
problems onto your patients.

And just because...

What?
Just because what?

Just because you messed up
your life

doesn't mean she will.

Wow, I didn't know
that you thought

that my life was so messed up.

Look, you're upset.
Why don't you go home?

You know, I will go home.

But not because
of anything you said.

Because I need to drain my feet.

'Cause yes, I ate all
the salt packets again.

- No!
- It's not cool, man.

- It's hurtful!
- Really?

That's against the law, sir.

Hey! What the hell's
going on here, guys?

"Mein Fuehrer" right here
has committed a hate crime.

Oh, I'm sorry.
It's called free speech.

I can put up whatever I want
outside the Jeremy's Lounge.

- Oh, yeah? Come here!
- No, no, no!

Cut it out!
Stop it!

Hey. Hey.
Take down the sign, Jeremy.

Why? If they're allowed
to complain,

- why can't I?
- Because you're a boss.

If you're an underling,
griping's all you have.

Employees have the right to say,

"Man, I hate this job."

Yeah, but we also have the right,
as bosses,

to say, "Morgan, call and book
me a Brazilian wax."

Everything? Butthole too?

No. No.
It's hypothetical.

Yeah, Dr. Reed.

We like that you gave in
to all our demands,

but having a popcorn machine,

and paid lunches,
and Fridays off...

I mean, it really
doesn't mean anything

if we're not allowed
to complain about it.

Fine. I get it.
I'll take down the poster.

And I need
the rest of the day off.

I got a little bit of PTSD
from this, so I'm gonna go home.

Right, no, you can't,
but you can

go to the Nurses Lounge
and complain about it.

- Good.
- All right.

- Bitch ass.
- Doctors ruin everything.

Wait till you're in the lounge,
please.

Keep your pants on.
I'm coming.

Yes?

Hey.

I bought you
something for your feet.

Kay.

It's an apology lance
and a drainage basin.

Thank you.

This will actually really help
with the throbbing.

Oh, what are you watching?

Um... just my favorite
McQueen movie.

Oh, really? Which one?
"Bullitt"? "Great Escape"?

- "Papillon"?
- "Cars." Lightning McQueen.

- Oh.
- Do you want a glass of water?

- Oh, thank you, yes.
- Okay.

I want to apologize about today.

Thank you.

Ugh, that must've taken a lot
for you to say that,

and I hope from now on,
you will give me free reign

to let my emotions dictate
my professional decisions.

Oh, no, professionally,
I was right.

You... you do need
to learn boundaries.

You call that an apology?

That was a victory lap.
Who do you think you are?

- Lightning McQueen?
- Come on, Mindy.

Okay, yeah, maybe I went
a little too far with Eden.

Just, Jody, it is really hard
to raise a kid with an ex,

and it's not just
the logistical nightmare of it.

There's a lot of guilt.

You know that things
are the way they are

because the two of you
couldn't make it work.

And I didn't want Eden
to have to live with that

like I do every day.

So, you were right.

Well, not about everything.

You're a good doctor,
and a good mom,

and a good coworker.

- And you do it all in heels.
- That's nice.

Although these suckers ain't
going in heels any time soon.

They're about to explode.

Do you want to watch
the movie with me?

Okay. For a little while.

Mm-kay. I don't want
to keep you for too long.

Ooh. I almost forgot.
Happy birthday.

No.

And I didn't even
have to say anything.

Here you go.

- May I open it?
- Yeah.

Thank you so much.

What? Oh.

My favorite.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Ugh. I'm so happy.

I got it from Barnes & Noble.

It was in the

"Grandpa's Casket Stuffers"
section.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Okay. Now, where do
the cars come from

if there are no people
to build them?

Cars are born.

The tail pipes are vaginas.
Aren't you a doctor?

Hmm-hmm.

Whoo-hoo!

Well, I'm glad everything
worked out for old Lightning.

He...