All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S04E19 - Baby Got Backslide (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda)

Well, I think this was
a pretty successful first outing

of the Shulman & Associates

Musical Theater
Appreciation Society.

Do you think so?
Do you think it was?

Because I paid a fortune

for two "Hamilton" tickets
and you got us kicked out

in the first act by climbing
up on stage to freestyle.

It is not my fault.

All of the non-white people
were doing it.

They were the cast!
You know what?

Waiter, can we get
the check, please?

That's been taken care of
for you, sir.

Someone already paid
for your meal.

- Oh.
- Okay.

Cool, thanks.
Let's get out of here.

Well, no, don't you want
to find out who paid for us?

Okay, this has happened before.

We need to get
the hell out of here

before they realize
I'm not CeeLo Green, okay?

- Okay.
- Let's ghost.

Okay, obviously,
we have to find out

who paid for the meal, Mindy.

You're welcome for dinner,
beautiful.

Oh, my God, they're texting me.

I'll give you a hint.
He's a studly dude from your past.

My SAT tutor
is buying us dinner.

I'm way hotter than your SAT tutor,
babe.

Look straight ahead, dummy!

Mic drop.

- Hi!
- What up, Min?

- Hey.
- How are you?

Looking good.
Whoa, Jeremy!

Look like you dropped
some LBs, man.

Thank you for noticing.

Yes, nobody understands
my struggle.

It... it's one man
against his food

but with his food.

Yeah, and Mindy, you look great.

What?

Yeah, motherhood
definitely suits you.

- Thank you very much.
- Yeah.

I found that motherhood really

kind of, like, stretched me out
in, like, all the right places.

- But not down there.
- Super good to know.

- What are you doing here?
- My shoe company, Dope Feat,

we're opening a flagship store
here in NYC,

so it's 'bout to be the bomb.

Only two white people
are allowed in the store

at one time.
Apparently, that's legal.

You know, I actually saw
some junior high kids

wearing your sneakers,
and I was like,

"I slept with the guy
who started that company."

Right.

Oh, these are my boys.

I've been hanging
with my OG NYC crew lately.

Awesome. I like your vibe.
Nice to meet you guys.

Uh, we've already met.

At you guys's
kinda sorta wedding thing.

Yeah, got you guys
a NutriBullet.

Never got it back.

That's right, I returned it
for store credit

'cause I didn't like it.

I'm so sorry, of course,
now I remember.

Mike, Garret, Althium.

- My name's Marcus.
- Marcus.

- Marcus?
- Yeah.

I'm really feeling
Althium for you.

- Is that a pill?
- That's not a name, for sure.

Could be that.
I think maybe, like,

we'll catch up another time.
Let's get dinner and hang.

That would be so much fun.

Uh, yeah, I was thinking more
of, like, a one-on-one thing.

Oh, right, yes.
Yeah, yeah, sorry.

This is a bit awkward, Min.
It's homies' night.

Me and Mindy.

Really?

No, okay.

Have fun.
Good.

Guys, is this weird?

Casey's in back town
and he asked me to dinner.

You're always bursting
up in here, talking about,

"Hey, guys, is this weird?"

What about what's weird
that's going on in our lives?

I keep seeing the number 16
everywhere.

The thing is, guys,
I'm just still really attracted

to his hot face and body,
you know,

and his business is taking off.

Maybe I should give
him another shot,

like America did
with Chris Brown

and wars in Iraq.

No, no, no, no,
we're not doing that, okay?

You never get back
with an ex, okay?

If they didn't like you
with 20 dogs,

they're not gonna
like you with 40.

Yeah, it's
a losing proposition, Mindy.

Eh, give him another shot.

He took care of things
in the sack.

Thanks, Beverly.
That's what I wanted to hear,

so that's what I'm gonna
listen to.

Guys, I'm gonna date
Casey again.

- Great work, everybody.
- I think this is actually...

- I think that's great.
- You know what?

Just take my stuff
and put it in my office.

Exes are trick...

You know what, I'm gonna
talk to her in private.

Someone's in a good mood,
for dating a virgin.

Wait, how are you dating
someone without having sex?

You can't take a plane flight
without having sex.

We stayed up all night
talking on her fire escape.

I asked about her hopes
and dreams,

and I really listened
to what she said.

That's a first for me.

You know, I think
a relationship is ab...

- Good-bye, everybody.
- Eh.

Oh, my God, Dr. L,
stop everything.

- Yeah, stop.
- Wait, Tamra.

I'm writing a letter
of complaint to Brookstone.

Their heated toilet seat
burned my butt.

Don't look, don't look.
I'm very embarrassed of it.

Okay, so you're well aware

of my award-winning
lifestyle blog, right?

"Tamra's Shade Shack"?

Are you kidding?
I live my life by it.

I'm no longer number one
in web traffic

for New York City.
Guess who's beating me?

"Celibacy and the City,"

the tell-all blog
of a 30-something virgin.

Oh, my God, "Cosmo" recommended

that I get into this site
this spring.

Well, that and pegging.
I only have time for one.

Obviously, I'm leaning
towards pegging.

I think you should try pegging.

So in her newest post
this morning,

she's talking about
her gentleman suitor,

"Colonel Suspenders,"

who she stayed up all night
talking with on her fire escape.

Does this sound familiar?

Oh... my God.

O... MG.

So you know what
we have to do, right?

Uh, yeah, he's our friend.

We have to tell him
what's going on.

Are you out of your mind?
We're not gonna tell him

so we can find out
all about his love life.

Oh, yeah, 'cause Dr. K's
the only one of y'all

I don't have
any blackmail info on.

You realize that meat sword's

supposed to be shared
by the whole restaurant.

- Hmm. Okay, okay.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

You know, I miss this.

How long are you in town?

Actually, I'm moving
to New York. Yeah.

L.A.'s just all these hot girls
saying, "Yes, yes, yes,"

and you know,
I had to get out of that.

Yeah, L.A.'s tough.

I was once tased
in Katy Perry's driveway.

You know, it's so nice
hanging out again.

For me, you, uh... were kind of
the one that got away.

Me?

Yeah.

Really?

I've never been the one
that got away.

I've been the one
that won't go away, but...

No, look, for real.

You're the one who convinced me
to chase my passions,

and you always call me
on my bull-sheezy, and...

Don't say "bull-sheezy."
It's dumb.

See?
That's what I've been missing.

So, Dope Feat's having
a grand opening party.

Would you want to come?

Amber Rose is gonna drop
her new line of Aqua Socks.

What? Me, invited to a party
with celebrities?

- Yeah.
- Yes! Yes!

I would love to.
Oh, my God, thank you.

Great.

I have to start
my beauty regimen.

Do you think they do Brazilians
at a Brazilian restaurant?

No.

I'm gonna ask.

I had a great time.
The best part is, they let me

keep this cool meat sword.

Oh, no, I actually
paid for that, so...

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Thank you.

This was actually
one of the nicest dates

I've been on in a long time.

Oh, you thought this was a date?

What?

Yeah, I thought this was a date.

It was hella romantic.
You paid for dinner.

You're holding my hand.
You keep calling me "babe."

Right, okay.
Yeah.

Um, I can... I can see
where you're coming from, babe.

Uh, Mindy.

And we're gonna go up
and have sex.

I just...
I can't date you again.

My friends really
don't like you.

Ex-squeeze me?

Yeah, and they actually
straight up hate it

when you say that.

What?
Okay, well, that's very shallow.

You also broke my heart
and... kept the ring.

I sold it on eBay
to try to get a Jacuzzi.

And that's way-baller you,
and I've always appreciated that,

but I just... I kind of
made a promise to them

that I wouldn't date you again.

Just come upstairs.

I had fun tonight, but I can't.

I'm sorry.

And I need the sword.
That was, like, a G.

I was gonna use it
for s'mores. Okay.

Stay tight.

And then I found out

that my biological father
is actually former...

Oh, my God!
How was the date?

Um, it was the worst date
in the history of dates.

Guys, Casey says
he doesn't want to date me

because his friends
can't stand me.

Why is no one surprised?

Well, you are one
of the few private citizens

who's been denounced

by the Jewish
Anti-Defamation League.

You want to take off
Rosh Hashanah,

that's your New Year's, okay?

You can't then celebrate
January 1st.

How many New Year's do you want?

You know I love you,
but it's harder

to get people to like you
who you aren't paying.

Okay, that started nice.
It took a real turn.

This is a conspiracy, guys.
You're all insane.

I'm extremely well-liked.

Well, maybe the friends thing
is just an excuse, you know,

like when mother said
she was allergic to hugs.

When he hugged me good-bye,
I swore he had a half-chub.

I mean, you can fake love
but you can't fake that.

You know, Dr. L,
when you're dating a guy

who's, like, hella crewed-up,

you have to get in tight
with the crew.

When I was dating
George Clooney,

I had to be BFF
with Richard Kind.

She fixed me up with Richard.
We still text.

I rarely say this, but guys,
that was really useful.

If I want to get Casey
to date me,

I have to get Casey's friends
to like me.

I'm gonna charm the pants
off of those guys.

Ashley, voice-over:
I like Colonel Suspenders,

but can I keep
going out with him?

His wardrobe's so boring.
He might be too old-fashioned.

I'm starting to wish
my gentleman caller were

a little bit more
of a gentleman baller.

Wow. Okay, say what you will
about Ashley.

This is the best writing
I've ever read.

I love Dr. K,
but he does kind of dress

like the old narrator in a play

who comes out
and explains the town.

I kind of feel bad
going behind his back.

- Nurses.
- Oh, hey, ah!

Which pair of suspenders
should I wear for my date?

Red implies power, but blue
evokes the majesty of the sea.

Hmm.
Maybe no suspenders at all.

No suspenders.

Well, I suppose I could
just wear a belt.

Or two belts,
one over each shoulder.

Oh, see there?

I've just talked myself
back into suspenders, so...

- Oh!
- Oh, God!

Why you got to be
so funny, Dr. K?

Now I've ruined your clothes,
but it's okay,

'cause we can take you shopping
for some new ones.

No, no, no,
I don't like shopping.

I don't like shopping.
I inherit all my clothing.

This jacket was worn by a juror

from the Scopes Monkey Trial.

Okay, if you want clothes,
I know just the alley.

No. I have a good idea.
Let's go.

We'll go with her,
whatever she says.

♪ ♪

♪ Wake up, wake up,
good morning ♪

Wowza.

Mindy, thank you so much
for inviting me to this party.

- Of course.
- I had to miss book club,

but I was like,
"Sorry, bitches."

Don't talk about book club
here, okay?

Understood.

Mindy, Jeremy, hey.

- Oh, hey, Casey. Hi.
- What's up? Good to see you.

- Good to see you, man, hey.
- 'Sup?

- Um, hey...
- I'm gonna grab a drink.

I'm surprised to see you,

you know, after what I said.

Oh. Oh, don't worry about it.
I'd forgotten completely.

Just so you know,
my friends are here.

That's great, because
I have a five-step plan

for winning over
a guy's friends.

Befriend their girlfriends.

They actually don't
have girlfriends.

Oh. Step one-A:

Laugh in a way
that showcases my breasts.

♪ Time to make the club go up ♪

Talk sports
and pretend you've seen "Die Hard."

"Die Hard" is actually
my favorite Christmas movie.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Shots.

♪ Time to make the club go up ♪

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

Double shots.

♪ And it just goes on ♪

After all that, they'll be
eating out of my hands.

Oh.
Yeah, that works.

Show me around.

Yeah, check these shoes out
over here.

♪ I've got this thing,
gonna blow your mind ♪

♪ Pulling your string ♪

Oh, do I look ridiculous?

I hid a go-bag of seersucker
down the hall.

I'll... I'll go throw that on
and come back in...

- Relax.
- My word.

- I like it.
- Relaxing.

A lot.

Something tells me you're a guy

that likes musical theater.

Like musical theater?
I'm obsessed with it.

I want to imprison
musical theater

in my phantom's lair and sing it
"Music of the Night."

Hey!

I'm so sorry about Jeremy,
he's kind of a nerd.

He hasn't even seen "Die Hard."

Yeah, me neither.
No interest.

So hey, check it out,
I can get you tickets

to this new musical
that I just I invested in.

It's about, uh, James Buchanan,
"bachelor president."

- Buchanan?
- Oh...

BuzzFeed named it

one of the Top 28 gay musicals
this April.

Then you have heard of it.

- I got you, let me know.
- Oh, my God.

I love theater myself.

My whole life's basically
one long "Vagina Monologue."

Okay, you know what?

You can cut the whole
cool girl act thing.

You broke Casey's heart
once before,

and I'm not letting you
near him again.

Plus, you're not cool.

- Oh, I'm not cool?
- No.

Have you seen me twerk?

That's... that's your version
of twerking?

Can you please get an erection?

I'm on a lot of antidepressants.

Hey, man,
what's your problem with me?

I don't like you
with Casey, okay?

You're always trying
to change him...

his clothes, his career.

He bailed on the Slimer tattoo
that I designed for him.

He is a 34-year-old man.
He doesn't need a Slimer tattoo.

Says you.

He's great.
I'm not gonna try to change him.

I don't buy it.
I don't buy it at all.

Oh, you know what?
You can stop

pushing your boobs
up with your arms.

I know that trick.

Let me know how many tickets
you need, bro, I got you.

- Thanks, man.
- I'm not doing a trick.

You're just staring
at my breasts, Althium.

That is not my name!

Oh, shoot, our girl Ashley
put up a new blog post.

Ooh! I bet Dr. K got
majorly Frenched last night.

- My boy was lookin' "foine."
- Yeah.

I love my man's new style.

I could ride this clotheshorse

all the way to the finish line.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

- Keep reading, there's more.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But now there's
a bigger problem.

My man won't stop talking
about his co-worker.

I think he has a crush on her.

I'm demoting him
from Colonel Suspenders

to Major Crush.

Wait, that's bad.
I think.

She's overestimating
our knowledge of army rank.

Yeah.

Who could Dr. K
have a crush on up here?

- That's so weird.
- It's so weird.

It just... it's weird
is what it is.

Well, he's always fighting
with Dr. L, so it's def not her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what,

you know what, you know what,
he hates her.

And I don't think
he would date Beverly

because she's Lutheran.

Too old.
Lutheran.

Oh, my God.
Dr. K has a crush on me!

Yup.

Yup, that's it!

Y-y-you cracked it.

Hey, yo, who's the hottie
with the body

in the middle of the sidewalk?

Oh, my God, wow!

- You have a hoverboard?
- What's up?

- That's so cool.
- What's up?

I haven't walked in weeks.
My pedometer thinks I'm dead.

Oh, yeah?
I threw my pedometer out,

because it would not acknowledge
masturbation as exercise, so...

I don't know why
my friends ever hated you.

- Yeah, well.
- I'm kidding.

I appreciate the effort you
put in with them. That was huge.

Yeah, of course.

And I don't know what you did,
but the guys love you now.

Except for Marcus,
but Marcus hates everything.

I mean, he doesn't
like Matt Damon.

Ugh, I am so over Matt Damon.

Stop coasting on your good looks
and charm and talent.

Okay.

Can I try your hoverboard?

Yeah, oh, for sure.

- Really?
- Yeah.

All right, super easy.
Basically just step on...

Uh, I think I'll be fine.

Sure, yeah.

Cool.

Whoa, doing...

Babe.

- Really hurts.
- Yeah, really sorry.

I've actually never seen anyone
fall off one of those before,

and I follow an Instagram
that's mostly dogs riding them.

Well, the truth is,
I have no balance

ever since I lost
a swab in this ear.

Sure, yeah, that'll do it, yeah.

Hey, whoa.

So you're serious?

- Okay, yeah.
- Sorry.

I got you.

- You're okay.
- Yeah, my hero.

I kind of miss being your hero,

saving you from
falling off things constantly.

- You were really good at it.
- Yeah.

What else am I good at?

You're good at kissing too.

- That's your line?
- Mm-hmm.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

What is that?

Pizza Rat?
From last year.

It's, like, the hottest
viral video online.

That's on your skin permanently?

Had to get a tat.

Okay, yeah.

"Vote for Pedro"?

It's from "Napoleon Dynamite."

I mean, if they make
a "Nappy Dyno" sequel,

it's gonna be off the chain.

Okay.

I guess it's your body,
your choice.

Hey, tonight...
it's our body.

Oh, my God.

Is that a Minion
dressed as Shrek?

You know it.

I'm so glad we're giving this
another shot.

♪ ♪

Hey, M.L.
You all right?

Did another one
of your celebrity crushes

come out as gay?

None of my crushes are gay.

Matt Bomer's just raising
three kids

with his male best friend.

Ooh, all right.
What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.
Everything's great.

Everything with Casey is great.

In fact, we're hanging out
tonight.

- Okay.
- Casey invited me to his place.

We're gonna sit on his sofa,

I'm gonna watch him
play video games.

What more could a girl want?

Okay.

You sure you still want
to be dating Casey?

Yeah, man,
he's hot as hell, okay,

- and he's rich as hell.
- Mm-hmm.

I hate him.
He's so annoying.

- Oh, Mindy.
- He's like a Garbage Pail Kid.

Listen, backsliding is
a dangerous temptation.

There's a reason English kings
used to behead their exes.

Sounds to me like
you need to cut him off...

emotionally.

Don't you dare harm him.
He's perfect.

Thank you.

All right, water for me,
grape soda for you.

- Thanks.
- There you are.

Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Damn, Daniel.
- Oh.

Did you switch gym bags
with a hot model?

- Can I have his number?
- Thank you.

It's my first time wearing
a shirt with no buttons.

I keep worrying it's gonna
just fall right off,

but so far...

Looks real good.

No, no, no, no, no,
you're not sitting down yet.

Give me a little show.
I want to see the whole look.

- Here we are.
- Wow.

Dr. K, I gotta talk to you.

Dr. L, I need to speak to him
in private.

What?

No, say it in front of me.
I'm doing work.

I have a ingrown hair on my ass

that I need him to look at.

Cool.
Peace out.

Thank you.
It hurts to sit.

Ah!

What the hell's going on,
Morgan?

Okay, listen to me.
Ashley is writing a blog

and she's telling everyone
everything you two are doing.

Well, that's all right.
I've been written about before.

Dear Abby advised five
different women to leave me.

Okay.
So you don't mind

that she's telling everyone
that you talk about Dr. L

obsessively and you're
basically in love with her?

I don't talk about Mindy
all the time,

and even if I did, so what?

I talk about Obama all the time,

and I am certainly not
in love with him.

It doesn't matter.
Ashley thinks you are,

and we're reading this blog
behind your back,

and Dr. L's gonna find out.

I have to go set things
straight with Ashley right now.

- You stay here.
- Okay, I will, but listen.

Listen... wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!

What?

I think you look really great
in your new outfit.

Morgan, I don't have time
for this.

Wow, America's worst president
became New York's best musical.

And you know what,
I think I'm finally

beginning to understand
theater etiquette.

You threw candy onstage.

Yuh-doi, to show
that I liked it.

Oh, Marcus, Marcus.

Hey, Jeremy.
Good to see you, man.

Honest opinion so far,
what do you think?

- We are loving the show.
- Yeah?

And the idea to cast
Millard Fillmore as a woman?

Groundbreaking and important.

- I thought so too.
- Oh, God, the merch line is...

Get me a Toblerone!

Hey.

Okay, so...
I owe you an apology.

I was trying to be
protective of Casey,

wound up acting
like a real dick.

I was wrong, I'm sorry.

Since you guys got
back together,

he's, like, annoyingly happy.

Whoa, you guys talk
about that stuff?

- Yeah.
- I thought you just hung out

and watched
skateboarding videos,

maybe kissed a little.

You are such a strange person.

Didn't know you had a kid.

I'm completely whack
for hating on a single mom.

You were probably raised
by a single mom, huh?

No, my parents have been
married for about 40 years.

- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.

But it is hard
being a single mom.

In fact, I've often thought
that there should be

- a musical about me, you know?
- Really?

"Lahiri."

I always thought Ariana Grande
could play me.

Nah, she's too old,
but you know.

Well, hopefully,
your musical will be

a little better than this one.

You think it's bad too?

- Mm.
- Oh, thank God.

Yeah, I only invested
as a tax write-off.

This is a total rip-off
of "Hamilton,"

only our lead character was
really a crappy person

who literally started
the Civil War.

Well, there we go.

Best of luck surviving Act Two.

- Okay.
- I'll see you inside.

Bye.

Hmm.

Look at me right now.

I'm a Buchanan Boy.

How much did you spend on that?

$500. Would have spent $1,000.
Let's take our seats.

I demand you take down
that post, and if you don't,

I will need to speak
to your manager at the Internet.

Every word in there is true.

If I wanted to lie,
I'd go back to my old job

predicting travel times
at Google Maps.

Why would I have feelings
for Mindy?

She is rude, she is unladylike,

her political views
are incoherent,

and her hands are
bigger than mine.

You sure can rattle off
those reasons.

Well, if I wanted
to ask her out,

I'd just walk in there
and ask her out. I'm not shy.

I asked Andie MacDowell
to my prom, and she said yes.

I almost got to third base.

Why don't I read it to you?

"I couldn't even tell
Colonel Suspenders about my day

"without him launching
into a story about his coworker.

"The sad fact is, he lights up
more when he complains

"about how this woman
misuses the intercom system

than he does anytime
that he looks at me."

Well, "Guys, I'm bored."

It's not a proper
work announcement.

Her squeaky little voice
comes over the intercom.

Oh.

You might have a point.

Still want me to take it down?

I can't in good conscience
ask you to do that.

If she reads it, she reads it.
It's all true.

Except for that one part here
where I...

My jacket is houndstooth,
not herringbone.

Oh.
I'll change that.

- Thank you.
- See you.

Mindy, I need
to confess something.

What are doing you on the floor?
Did your hip give out again?

Of course it did.

My bones are dust,
I've never had milk.

Mindy.

But I'm here because I'm sad.

Oh.

Well, I never pass up
an opportunity

to sit criss-cross applesauce.

Why don't you tell me
what's going on?

Oh, God.

Jody, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I don't think things are gonna
work out with Casey,

but he's as not right for me
as he was before.

Things aren't exactly
working out well

with Ashley either.

What's crazy is
that the person I'm falling for

makes even less sense.

Can you close the door?

I can't stop thinking about him.

He's actually a grown-up,
and I think we have a spark.

But I can't ask him out.

It's Marcus.
It's Casey's friend.

Okay, well, I guess I should go.

Don't forget to take
your calcium supplements.

I'm afraid you might shatter.

Wait, that's it?
Hold on, hold on, help me up.

- Where are you off to?
- Uh...

What, you got a hot date
or something?

With a model that arrived
in a shipping crate?

Heh heh.

No, actually, I've...

I'm taking a self-imposed break
from romance for a while.

Oh, she was on top,
and she bent it.

Why is your first assumption

always something gross
and sexual?

What?
It's not my fault,

I was raised
on "Three's Company."

Wow.

You really came
to see this again?

Nobody should have to see

this many raps by white people.

It's actually worse
the second time

because now I understand it.

Yeah.
Did...

Did you come with Casey, or...
I didn't see him.

Casey and I actually broke up.

Oh.

Partly because of something
you said.

What, that he's thinking
about giving up drinking?

What?
No,

although that definitely
would have ended it.

No, you were right.
In order for us to work,

I would have had to change
everything about myself

or everything about him.

But there was a bigger issue.
I like his friend.

Mm, Jace.

Huh?

- Trace?
- No.

Me?

Okay, don't "me" me.

I invented "me?"

You knew it was you.

- I had no idea, no clue.
- Come on.

Hey, do you want to, um,

maybe skip the second act
and get out of here?

Yeah, I'd love to.

- Let's go.
- This is the worst thing

to happen in a theater
since "Lincoln."

Ah, see?
You do know history.

Oh, no, I'm talking
about the movie.

- Oh.
- Ugh, so boring.

Daniel Day-Lewis is,
like, barely naked in it.

Oh, so nudity...

♪ For our Union I'll deploy ♪

♪ For I am
a proud Buchanan boy ♪

Mindy?
Mindy?