All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S04E18 - Bernardo & Anita (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda)

Blind dates are so much fun.

So much mystery.

You were no mystery at all.

When I looked you up online,

- there were lots of pictures.
- Mm-hmm.

Most were from a...
Botox testimonial.

Mm. Not the face kind.

The armpit sweating kind.
Best thing I ever did.

Ten years ago, no way
I could've worn this dress.

Just dripping sweat.

You know, it's funny.

You're the first Indian guy
I've ever gone on a date with.

No, I'm serious.

I don't think I know
any Indian people,

except my family.

Oh, does West Indian count?

'Cause I was in
a steel drum band for a while.

That's kind of strange,
don't you think?

I know. A 30-year-old woman,
single, in a steel drum band.

Yeah, it was weird.

No, I mean that you don't know
any Indian people.

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, do you hang out
with a lot of Indian people?

Yeah, actually.

I was in an Indian fraternity
at Berkeley,

I go to temple once a month,

and I came in second
in the national spelling bee.

I lost on "xanthosis."

I also lost a spelling bee...

when I misspelled my last name
on the entry form.

I guess I just identify
culturally as Indian.

You know, because I am one.

Oh, me too.

I identify as Indian too.
Big time.

What part of India
are your parents from?

I want to say there's,
like, a river there...

and some tigers?

Don't quote me on that.

And this, on the right,
is where the magic happens.

Actually, Criss Angel sublets
one of the apartments upstairs.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Okay. Huh.

- Um... oh...
- Oh.

- I...
- Sorry. You were supposed to

catch me with your lips.

I'm sorry. I just don't
really see this going anywhere.

I did. I only had
five garlic knots at dinner

'cause I thought
we were gonna make out.

I mean, yeah, I brought home
a bag with me, but still...

Look. Being Indian is a really
important part of my life...

more than CrossFit, even...

and I need it to be important
to the person I date.

Are you saying
I'm not Indian enough for you?

Mindy, I think
you're really nice.

Scratch that. I think
you're really uninhibited.

But I don't think
I can date a...

Pescatarian?
I made that all up.

I hate fish.
I eat meat all the time.

No, I don't think
I can date a coconut.

Is it because
I'm covered in tiny hairs

and I fall out of trees?
That's mean.

No. Because you're brown
on the outside

and white on the inside.

I got to go.

Night, pal.

He's already asleep.
Can you believe that?

Hey, were you chewing gum
around him?

The other day, Leo was like,
"Dada, gum, gum."

Nah, that's probably
just like baby babble.

Yeah.
Um...

I just want to ask you
a question.

I want to take Leo with me
on a trip this summer...

to Italy.

- For how long?
- Just a week.

A week is the longest
that I've ever been away from him.

I know. I just... I want him
to see where he came from.

I tracked down
some third cousins.

And Mindy, they work
in a Parmesan factory.

A Parmesan factory.
Min...

Parmesan cheese
is my favorite cheese.

I thought you liked Brie.

I... yeah. Look, it's still
a really worthwhile trip.

He's very young to be exposed
to those naked statues.

He already has the perv gene.

I got him a passport already.

Would you look at this guy?

What a handsome boy.

I just want his first stamp
to be Italy.

Please?

Okay.
Yes, he can go.

Thank you.
That is great.

I'm really happy about this.

But I need to Skype with him
every single day.

- Of course.
- And I want one of those photos

where it looks like he's holding
up the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Jody, let me ask you something.

Obviously, I have the ass
of a Dominican

and the giant jugs
of a Jewish girl.

But you think of me
as Indian, right?

Honestly,

I think of you as a white man,

largely because of
your entitlement.

- What?
- Mm-hm.

- Oh...
- Damn it.

Oh, I meant it as a compliment.

- Oh!
- Oh.

- Chelsea!
- Oh...

We slept together,
and I... I cried...

- Okay...
- Before and afterwards.

- Yeah, yeah. Mindy's coworker.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh.

She promised
you wouldn't be here.

- She said that?
- You left a permanently Grey

body shape in my bedsheet.

I was real sick when we had sex.

That's... comforting.

- I'm better now.
- All right.

Go, go.

I'll see you in a little bit.
See you in a little bit.

You have really beautiful eyes.

That left one in particular
is... it's a great eye.

What an unnerving way
to talk to a stranger.

Morgan Tookers.

- I'm Ashley.
- Hi.

- Your hand is sticky.
- I had some chocolate

and it melted, and I licked it.

It's not... urine.

Ashley, could I have
your phone number?

You know, I'm... a little
too busy for dating right now.

This would be a very fast date.

- Yeah.
- Like... like ten minutes.

That's all I can afford!

Okay.
I'm gonna give you my email.

I'm gonna give you
my work email.

Hold on. Here you go.
Here, here, here, look at that.

You write down some way
of getting in touch with you,

and I will find you.

Okay.

I will find you,
and I will kill you.

It's from "Taken."
It's from "Taken."

- Here you go.
- I'm gonna go email you.

A lot.

- Right now.
- Okay.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh...

Oh, please, don't be.

My word.

What is your name?

I'm Ashley.

I'm charmed.
Jody.

Do you want
to go talk somewhere?

Yes, I do.

Hey, Rishi,
we're both super Indian, right?

Nah. You think you're white,
and I think I'm black.

We skipped over
that whole steez.

Hey! How is that possible?

Mom and Dad are super Indian.

I mean, they have a servant
who they're mean to.

'Cause we were brats.

I mean, it's not our fault.

We grew up in the whitest place
on the planet,

suburban Boston.

Well, that may be true
for you, but not for me.

I'm not just some white guy

trapped in the body
of an Indian model.

We represent a new kind
of Indian-American...

ones with literally zero roots
to our past.

Your bear claws.

Thank you.

Hey, Neel!
Don't hang up.

When I said I didn't
see this going anywhere,

that meant
I am not interested in you.

I don't wanna date... I just
wanna prove I'm not a coconut.

Look, I don't have a lot
of Indian people in my life,

but I haven't denied my roots...
I'm Indian.

All right, look. I was gonna
run some errands after work.

If you really want to talk,
I guess you can tag along

to the department store
while I get a humidifier.

Yes. I would love that.
That would be great.

And while I'm there,

I can pick up
one of those Soda Stream things.

I find that traditional
canned soda

doesn't contain the amount
of sugar that I like, so...

Hello?

H... Neel?
Okay.

That was such a nice date.
It's rare to find

a real gentleman in New York.

Well, it's rare
to find a lady, too.

Usually, if I open a door
for a woman,

I'm accused of being
an enemy of feminism.

I had a really nice night.

And to think
it's just getting started.

There's something
that I have to tell you about me.

I'm saving myself for marriage.

Oh. So, you never...

I'm just old-fashioned
in all sorts of ways.

- Oh.
- I even have a landline.

You could come in
and make a call.

Oh, well, uh...
it has been a nice evening,

but I have to work
in the morning,

and I'm sure you have
several layers

of flannel nightgown
to put on, so...

Okay. It's not the first time
I've had that reaction.

It's just once I get
my engine going,

there's a certain momentum.

We're good.

Neel, I am
also a child of immigrants.

Just because I was blonde
for several years

and I insisted
on having a bat mitzvah,

that does not mean
that I am not as Indian as you.

Okay, have you ever been
to India?

What?
Get eaten by a snake? No way.

Hey, there. I'm Linda.

Do you and your husband
need a basket?

Oh, we're not married.

We don't even know each other
very well.

That's too bad!

You would make
a beautiful family.

- Thanks, Linda.
- Thanks.

Why do white people love
seeing people of other races

date within their race so much?

I think it's because
it's segregation

that they can feel good about.

They're like,
"See, they wanted it."

"Isn't this easier
for everyone?"

It's not really your fault.

Your parents assimilated
so completely,

you've abandoned your heritage.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, pal.

Immigrants are supposed
to assimilate, all right?

Like Barack Obama
when he came from Kenya.

Or Ted Cruz
when he came from Canada.

When my parents came here,

they made sure
we lived in a town

with a large Indian population

where we could keep
our traditions alive.

Oh, my God.
This is like "West Side Story."

You are Bernardo.
I'm Anita.

You're like,
"I hate this country.

The women are loose,
and the gringos are mean to us."

And I'm like,
"I love this country.

Let's turn up the A/C,
and let's dance."

Yeah, well, you should
consider yourself lucky.

When you're Anita,
white dudes love you,

but when you're Bernardo,
they stab you in the street.

Remember Officer Krupke?

He hated Bernardo.

Okay, relax. No cop has ever,
ever arrested an Indian man.

Well, congrats.

You just made
your first Indian friend.

Hey, my friends Anisha and Ravi

are having a dinner this week.

You should come.

There will be
some cool Indian people there.

All Indian people.
Okay.

Like AP Calculus.
I'm in!

- Hey!
- Oh, dear God.

- Sorry.
- Well, don't you look like

the cat who ate the canary?

I got myself
a little thing called a date.

- Ah.
- That cute girl Ashley

from the party...
it's on.

I emailed her like 50 times
until she just gave up.

Let me save you some trouble.

Stay away. She wants to remain
a virgin till marriage.

- She's a virgin?
- Yeah.

You know what, she's
a pretty girl who likes me,

and that happens very rarely.

Well, do what you like.
But it'll never work.

A man has certain needs.

I'm not an animal.

You like to eat
out of the trash.

Sometimes I see food
in the trash that I want to eat

and I take it out, and I put it
on the table and eat it.

Or I'll eat it off the floor.

- Like an animal.
- Okay,

how many animals you know
wear scrubs?

- One.
- You know what?

I believe in
a little thing called love.

And it's not about sex.
It's about love.

Whew.
I've never had

the moral high ground before.

It's kind of...

making me a little dizzy.

- Oh, dear God.
- Oh, God.

Oh... oh!

Hello. Good morning.
I have an erotic announcement.

I told you.
We're not doing those anymore.

If he gets to, I get to,
and mine's a doozy.

I went out with Ashley again
last night.

We had some pretty hot
one-on-one abstinence.

All right, Morgan.
You can stop the charade.

You've made your point.

It's just that celibacy
really agrees with me.

It keeps me centered.
It keeps me grounded.

All the goo that's kind of just
been building up inside of me...

it helps me focus.

I think it's thoughtful
of Morgan

not to have sex with this woman.

Thank you, Tamra.

Especially considering
sex with Morgan

is not that bomb
of an experience.

Hey, Morgan,
I know that we agreed

to let you have a life
outside of serving me.

However, I need you
to babysit my son tonight.

Yes, I can do that, my queen.

Jody, will you come with me
to a dinner party tonight?

There is going to be a lot
of Indian people there,

and I cannot be
the whitest person.

Will there be non-Indian food
available?

No. And it's probably
gonna make you real sick.

I could eat before.

I explicitly told you
not to bring alcohol to this.

I don't know if they're Muslim
or my kind of Indian.

What's your kind?

I don't know. The kind
that gets crazy and turnt up.

Oh, hey, you must be Mindy!
Come on in.

Hi. Ravi, come here.

Ooh, I love your kurta.

Oh, thanks.

You are dressed regular.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hello. I'm Jody.

I brought this.
I'm sorry.

Thank you. Dalmore whiskey.
This stuff is dope.

Nish, this is what they serve

at that new bottle keep
in Bushwick.

Oh, God, babe, don't bore them
with your dumb hipster stories.

I had to stop bringing this guy
to SoulCycle

because he would not stop
talking about getting

- butter coffee afterwards.
- So good.

- That's from both of us.
- Thank you.

My parents were so excited

when I brought home Anisha.

All the girls he dated
before me were Hispanic, so...

As you know,

there is no racism as strong
as Asian on other minority racism.

Oh, my God. Yes.
The race pyramid.

Japanese on the top, of course.

And at the bottom is...

You know what? I'll just
Tweet about it later, but...

We met in grad school.

Anand was doing
his PhD in physics.

My parents freaked out

when they found out
we were living together.

I was 32.

Oh, please. I have a baby,
and I'm not married.

My parents are not happy
about that.

Well, to be fair,

I think parents of any race
find that shameful.

So...

That reminds me...
my mom texted me earlier.

I should text her back.

- Oh, my gosh, me too.
- Shoot, me too.

Yep.
"Where are you? Are you safe?"

"I hope Anand isn't drinking.

I noticed he had two beers
last time I saw him."

My tailor's Indian.

"Oh, Mr. Jody,

your 42 long
will be ready this Thursday."

Hmm?

Don't do that. Don't do that.

- Well, they were all doing it...
- It's not the same.

- It's not the same.
- Oh.

- Oh.
- Hey.

Your son is so cute.

She's actually a girl.
Parvati.

We just shaved her hair off
a few days ago.

Was she bad? I hearing about
new punishments.

No. For her Mundan ceremony.

Hindu babies do it
at one year old

to shed their past lives
and to move into their future.

It's like when I tore out
my ratchet extensions

to say good-bye
to my skanky 20s.

You should do one for Leo.

Oh, I don't think so.
My ex is pretty Catholic.

He says a whole rosary whenever
the Pope gets on a plane.

Why can't you do both traditions

and see which one
he likes better?

Will it be the guilt-based
Christian denomination

where you have to sit
for an hour for a sip of wine,

or the awesome Indian one
where you literally

get to ride a horse
into your wedding?

Anisha, that is so sneaky.

I love it.

Thank you for walking me home.

It was actually kind of cool

hanging out
with those Indian people.

I guess immigration
isn't all bad.

Last time I was the only
white person in the room

was the theater where I saw
"Madea's Family Reunion."

That is a very talented actress.

You know,
I was actually thinking

that I would have
a Mundan ceremony for Leo.

Oh, I'm glad.
It's important for a boy

to be exposed to his heritage.

- Is that a woman?
- Oh, my God.

Did Leo bring home a girl?

- Oh, oh, oh, oh!
- Ohhhhhhh...

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, God!

Morgan, are you having sex?

With Chelsea?

- Oh.
- Oh, God.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.
It's not what you think.

On Moo-Cow?
Oh, my God, you're dead.

- No, no...
- Stop it!

You are dead!

- I should go.
- No, no, don't go!

Don't go. Don't...

Morgan, as usual,
this never happened.

- I'll see you at yoga.
- I hate myself.

I love you so much.
I'm gonna call you.

This is
the most disgusting thing

that has ever happened
on my sofa.

What did I tell you, Morgan?

Men have certain needs,
don't they?

Dating a virgin is...
just it's very tough.

My penis got lonely,
and it reached out

and it found...
a warm...

Okay, we know what
it found, okay?

Well, now, you're gonna

have to tell Ashley
that it's over.

Actually, I don't.
I've thought about this,

and I'm gonna do
the honorable thing and ghost.

No. No, you're not.
It's true, all men are animals,

but some can be gentlemen.

You're gonna
come clean to this girl,

and you need to
to make your penis flaccid

when you're talking to me.

Oh, crap.

No!

Morgan? Jody?

Hello, Ashley.
Morgan has something

he'd like to say to you.

Ashley, I've joined the army
to go fight ISIS.

Aah! Aah!
Okay. All right. Fine.

I slept with my boss's
baby's father's neighbor.

What?

Morgan, I thought
you were different.

I was willing to look past
all the rashes,

all the ingrown hairs...

You're just like everybody else.

Listen, you and I can hold hands

and we can talk
and canoodle and kiss...

and I'll have sex with her.

No. Just go.

And don't you dare look through
my dumpster on the way out.

Ashley, I'd like
to say a few words.

- What?
- It will come as no surprise

to you that men are scum.
It's true.

But it doesn't mean we can't try
to be a little better.

A dirty old tree
can reach its branches upwards

for a hundred years
and never touch the sun.

But it means something
that it tries to.

I'm sorry we bothered you.

It's so nice that you're here
to join me

for the Mundan ceremony.

Ramesh the priest will be
performing the ceremony.

Just met him
a couple minutes ago.

But he's a really cool guy,

and he is the highest-rated
Hindu priest on Yelp.

Ooh!

Oh, a few questions. Tell us
some things about the ceremony.

The more detail, the better.

Okay.
Ramesh, take it away.

I only speak Hindi.

I'm sorry.
Ramesh, you only speak Hindi?

Okay, you just lost a star
from me.

I'll look it up.

According to Hinduism,

hair from birth is associated
with undesirable remnants

of past lives.

Leo had a past life?

Who was he? Was he a cat?
'Cause I'm allergic.

He obviously was not a cat.

Mindy, why don't you explain
what the ceremony means to you?

Look, guys, I just don't want
my kid to learn how to be Indian

from a Bombay Palace menu
on my fridge, okay?

So, please, enough questions,

and can we start this
beautiful cleansing ceremony?

- Let's do it.
- Okay.

- My man.
- Thanks, Mom.

Hi, sweetheart.
Hi, baby.

Is this okay?

- I'm not sure this is legal.
- Yeah.

Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nay...
Don't...

It's okay, baby.
It's okay.

Dr. L, you know
I am no fan of Leo,

but this is too much,
even for me.

Shut up, Morgan.
It's important.

It's okay to hurt babies
if it's for a religion.

This is bad.
I'm having flashbacks.

Nah... agh...
that thing could...

Okay, you know what, that's
all right, that's all right.

We don't need
to do this anymore.

This is over.
I'm really sorry

that this ceremony
was such a disaster.

It's okay. I'm gonna go.

Thanks so much, guys. Sorry.

No, no, no, I think she's
right, but party's not over.

Party's not over. Hey-oh!

Ceremony's still going on.
Hey!

See? Still happening.

Ugh! All right.

A little bit off the top, maybe,
right there.

And then we'll do
a little faux-hawk.

Leo's but he's fine.

He's playing in his crib.

I tried to do this nice Indian
thing I didn't understand,

and everybody knew,

and now my son hates it,
and he looks insane.

Neel was right.
I'm a coconut.

- What is a coconut?
- Brown on the outside,

white on the inside.

That's actually kind of clever.

Cadbury Egg would also work.

I'm jealous how proud other
people are of their heritage.

Look at the Puerto Ricans
and the Irish.

I want to get drunk and have
a parade and beat people up.

It was our decision
to raise you to be American.

We love America.
That's why we came here.

♪ You're a grand old flag ♪

- ♪ You're a high-flying flag ♪
- Ah-ah-ah...

Please, Sonu, please.

Mindy, I'm very happy
you want to be more Indian.

We weren't sure
that you would ever want that.

Well, it's too late.
I don't understand it.

My son hates it.

Just because the baby cried?

The baby always cries.

Listen, we're still traumatized
from when we did it to you.

You used the F word,
and everybody gasped.

Ha! When we shaved
your brother's head,

you freaked out and bit
the priest to protect him.

I did that?

Yeah, well, that was the last
nice thing you ever did for me.

Hey. I paid
for your college education.

To Stanford. It's not even
a top-100 party school.

You make us so proud every day.

If that isn't Indian,
I don't know what is.

- I love my Indian family.
- Love you. Love you.

- Sweetheart.
- Hold up.

The doctor gets all the love,

but what about
the receptionist/mixtape DJ?

- Come here. Come here.
- You get nothing.

- You don't deserve anything.
- Come here, baby.

- I'm comin' in!
- Oh!

His name is Leo, like DiCaprio.

Oh, what happened?

Oh, uh... this.

My son bit me...

- Ah.
- When we were shaving his head.

And he actually kicked me
in the breast,

which is why they look
so swollen right now.

I don't even think
he's gonna remember any of this.

Well, we will, and we'll all
be able to tell him.

And, for the record, I no longer
think of you as a white man.

I think of you as an Indian man.

Thanks, Jody.

Pardon me.

Winky face.

Mindy!

Where the hell is Leo's hair?
Where'd it go?

Well, if we're gonna go
down that path,

where the hell is his foreskin?

It's in a locket
around Ma's neck with mine.

You know that.

We both decided circumcision
would be fine.

No. You decided that.
And I went along with it

because I didn't have
a strong opinion,

and you are obsessed
with circumcised penises.

- Obsessed?
- Me... I think all penises are great.

Cut, uncut,
long, thick, black...

Okay, stop talking
about penises.

But I do have
a strong opinion about this.

I invited you to the ceremony.
Why didn't you come?

The ceremony?
I thought it was

a four-hour Indian dinner
with your parents.

I mean, every other week
it's, like, something else:

snake festival,
the elephant this or that.

Because Catholics
are totally normal.

I know that our son
is half-white,

but he is also half-Indian.

And just because I wasn't raised
to think about that stuff

that much doesn't mean
that he shouldn't.

I mean, maybe he'll want
to grow up and be some Guido

who only dates
Puerto Rican girls,

and I will support that, Danny.

But isn't it up to me to show
him the Indian stuff too?

I mean, I'm his mom.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- You made good points.
- I made good points?

Out of all the stuff

I'm worried about you
passing down to Leo,

being Indian
is not one of them, okay?

- Diabetes, sure.
- Yeah.

Pathological superficiality,
definitely.

But not Indian.

Thank you for being
so understanding.

And I should've asked you
before I shaved his head.

I'm glad we had this talk.
Thank you. You look pretty.

Speaking of which, I kept his
hair in a little baggy for you.

Little Castellano curls.

- Yeah?
- I need you to drop them

- in a river in India.
- What?

Yeah, the dad is supposed
to do it.

You know what you could do
on your way back from Italy?

Just drop by the Ganges.

- Just drop by the Ganges?
- Yeah.

It's not that easy. And I'll have
my third cousins with me.

We can't just
all drop by the Ganges.

They can go.

♪ Life can be bright
in America ♪

♪ If you can fight
in America ♪

♪ Life is all right
in America ♪

♪ If you're all white
in America ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Olé!