All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S04E16 - So You Think You Can Finance (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda)

In short, please ignore

the construction noises
from upstairs.

And finally, um, little thing.

My new girlfriend's popping in
for a... for a visit.

Wow!
Ooh!

- Honk, honk, honk.
- Stop it... you're awful.

That's inappropriate.

Um, her name's Juliet,

and when she comes,
I'd appreciate it

if you were all
on your best behavior.

You never told me you had
a new girlfriend,

and we tell each other
everything.

We're bestos.

Please, treat her

with the same respect
you would treat me.

Actually, no.
Tamra.

- Same respect you show Tamra.
- That's fair.

I can't hear
anything you're saying, Jeremy,

over this construction noise
from upstairs.

What are they even building?
A Sephora?

Oh, my God, screw this.
I'm gonna go work there.

Uh, no, it's a hedge fund.

Does no one read
my building newsletter?

- No.
- I read Tamra's fashion section

and I'm always a "don't."

Oh...

Oh, God!

Brace yourselves.

It's time to preoccupy
Wallstreet.

Excuse me, sir?

Would you mind telling me
where the manager is?

She's right over there.

Oh, hello, boys.

I almost didn't recognize you.
You both look much older.

Whitney, you're the new tenant?

No, this is all
an elaborate prank show.

Dax Shepard, get in here!

I get it.

You moved into the building
in a ploy to win me back.

Well, you're too late.
I've got a girlfriend,

and everyone's pretty excited.

- You have a girlfriend?
- Okay, I just...

Oh, right.
We used to date.

Ugh.
Purple!

No, we've started
a new hedge fund.

- You started a hedge fund?
- Mm-hmm.

That's awesome.
You're the ones

that kicked those lousy artists
out of Manhattan.

- Thank you.
- Well, this is what I think

of your glossy brochure.

They don't rip.
They're printed on leather.

We've got money to burn.

Listen, sugar, I'm all for
female entrepreneurs.

I saw part of "Joy" on a plane,

but your little business
poured water

all over our breakfast bread.

Yeah, my breasts were visible
underneath my clothing.

It was very distracting
for the men.

You know, it's true!
And now I can see up her skirt,

- and it ain't pretty.
- You love it!

Okay, well, relax.
It's only gonna be 14 weeks,

and then I'm going
to have to listen

to all of your screaming babies.

Whoa, checkmate.
You know what?

We're gonna get
out of your hair.

I just want to say
that this has been really cool.

- Oh, yeah.
- Mindy, can you stop

being so nice to the woman
who cheated on me?

- With me.
- I don't remember that.

Must not have meant much to me.

But whatever the damage is,
just send me the bill.

Okay?
Rick, Sam.

Dr. L, take, like,
two steps forward, please.

Oh, so you can
look at my nethers?

- I don't think so, pal.
- It's my birthday.

- Is it... is it your birthday?
- Absolutely.

No, it doesn't matter
that it's his birthday.

- No... come on.
- Everyone's seen it but me.

That's discrimination.

Mindy, I think our office
needs a makeover.

It's too feminine.

Our furniture is RuPaul
for Crate & Barrel.

- She's a man.
- I think

a more masculine waiting room

will let the patients know there
is a man behind this operation.

And put 'em at ease.

I think of myself
as very masculine, but... fine.

What about
a nice grandfather clock?

We could go shopping
for it tomorrow night.

Uh, sure,
I can go shopping with you.

I'll just put it
on my to-do list.

Uh, pardon me?

Are you writing that on the back
of an un-deposited paycheck?

Yes, but "deposit checks"
is on my to-do list.

Mindy, your desk is covered
in un-deposited paychecks.

Okay, don't be dramatic.
My desk is covered in crumbs.

It is littered
in un-deposited paychecks.

But these could literally
fly out the window.

You're a strong breeze away
from bankruptcy.

How could you be
so irresponsible with your money?

Because I've never had
to take care of it before.

My dad used to do
this stuff for me,

and then Danny took it over
from him,

and now that Danny's gone,
I guess I just

stopped thinking about it.

Well, do you have
any investments?

Financial goals?
A retirement plan?

My retirement plan is
to sing on a cruise ship.

You know this.

It's not just your future
you're thinking of now.

If I had a young son,

which a recent test proved
I do not,

I'd make sure all my money was
working for me.

My finances,
grandfather clocks...

how many old man lectures
must be endured today?

I apologize.

Uh, please, enjoy a Werther's.

- Thanks.
- See you tonight.

You're gonna love
Exquisite Time Pieces.

Hey, guys,

you don't all have
your financial futures mapped out

- like a bunch of nerds, right?
- Hell no.

Planning for the future
is depressing.

Exactly.
Thank you, Colette

Well, plus,
I'm a trust fund kid.

All I gotta do is
take my grandma's ashes

to Niagara Falls every year,
and I get a big fat check.

I keep all my money
in a mutual fund.

And I found a bone
in my backyard

that belongs to a T-Rex,
so I'm good.

What?

Come on, come on.

Well, I have enough money
to last the rest of my life,

which my doctor says could be
up to three years.

- Oh!
- Nice!

You know who could maybe
help me out?

Whitney.
You know, she seems like

she's good at money,
and she wears suits like a man.

Whitney?
Are you mad?

Think of the hole she ripped in
both our ceiling and my heart.

Yeah, and isn't she a cokehead?

Yeah, cocaine,
"the rich man's drug."

- Call me when it's meth.
- Look, just go to a bookstore

and buy a book
on financial planning.

Maybe they have one of those,
um, "Simpleton's Guides."

Oh, that's how I learned
how to use eBay.

- And you are great at eBay.
- Oh, yeah, look at this.

Just bought this bad boy.

6 bucks.

Hello, I'm looking
for Jeremy Reed?

Oh, you must be his Aunt Imogen.

I thought you were lost at sea.

Hello, Juliet.

I see everybody's met
my new girlfriend.

This is your new girlfriend?

"Girlfriend's"
such a small word.

Have you Americans a term

for someone whose soul
has blended into your own?

- Aw...
- Grandma.

Uh, such a striking couple.

Such contrasts.

How did this come to be?

In our theater group.

We were doing
"The Scottish Play."

Yes, "Shrek the Musical."

I received raves
as Gingerbreadman.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

we have a lunch date.
Shall we?

Yes.

Huh, huh?

Uh...

how did other people
react to that?

I thought it was cool,

and when "Shrek the Musical"
comes to my town,

- first in line.
- But, uh, didn't Juliet seem

- a little old?
- Jody!

You are old as hell.

When we were little, I thought
you were, like, my secret dad,

not my brother,
and I'm still not convinced.

I've never been so offended
in my life.

I'm pushing 70,

and you pervs
can't stop undressing me

- with your eyes.
- Yes, yes.

That's what we all say
to be nice.

Like, how we say nurses are
just as important as doctors.

- Hey!
- What?

Which is true though.

So it's gross when a younger
man dates an older woman,

but when Robert DeNiro
takes me to dinner,

everyone's cool with it?

Well, once again, I can see that

I'm the only one brave enough
to speak the truth.

This relationship is weird,

and if Donald Trump
was president,

it could be fun.

There.
I said it.

Don't worry, Leo.
Your mom has everything we need

to make sure our lives
are in order.

A Mexican energy drink

and a Suze Orman book.

Let's check this out.

All right, girlfriend,

time to get
your money act together...

- Mm-hmm.
- Answer a few questions

- for me.
- Mm-hmm.

How old do you want
to be when you retire?

I'm 26 now.
Maybe... 30?

Are you kidding me?
Let's get real.

If you answered anything
less than 65,

you'd better be
seriously loaded.

- Huh?
- Have you maxed out

- your Roth 401K?
- What?

Do you have any
credit card debt?

- Who dat?
- What'your FICO score?

Is this English?
Do you have at least

- an eight-month emergency fund?
- What the hell are you saying?

Leo, I do not get
that book at all.

It was like Tom Hardy
was saying it to me.

Oh, Leo, what're we gonna do?

Hmm.

Hey, Whitney...

Ooh... oh.

You could put a sign
on this glass.

There's a giant door.

I told you that there is nothing
I can do about the noise.

No, that's not why I'm here.

Whitney...

- Oh, my...
- I need you to fix my life.

So, as you can see,

I am completely overwhelmed
financially.

I just need someone
to be my money guy.

So you want a magical person
to pay all of your bills,

keep track of your spending,

and do all the basic things

that most people do
for themselves?

Yes, exactly.

- That's what you do, right?
- No, not at all.

I run a hedge fund
for billionaires.

Look around.
Look at this office.

Look at that view.
Are you kidding me?

The buy-in alone is $10 million

or a blood diamond this big.

Hey, Whit, bunch of us are
going to Shoot and Rally's

- to get our sniff on.
- Oh, um...

you know what?
Actually, Gabe, I'm good.

I'm just gonna sit here, and I'm
gonna make the NASDAQ my bitch.

Have fun.

Are you chained to you desk?

Shh, shut up!
Keep it down.

My God.
Okay.

I recently got sober,

and this keeps me from
going out with my coworkers.

Nobody here knows
that I am sober.

- Oh.
- Yeah, they will think

that I've lost my edge.
It sucks.

I can't do drugs,

and I have no friends.

I could be your friend.

I never do drugs.

Tried to buy them once
and the drug dealer was like,

"I don't sell to dorks,"
and I looked around

and I was like,
"Where's the dork?"

He was talking about me.

Okay, how 'bout this:

I'm gonna be your money guy.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

And I never have to think
about this again?

You just leave it here,
and I will take care of it.

But also,
what are you doing tonight?

We should hang out.

Oh, um, I have plans

to buy a clock with a coworker.

You know what?
I'll bail on them

because you are helping me out.

- Mindy?
- Hey, I'm sorry,

I can't go shopping for clocks
with you tonight.

What?

I'm already
in the Tinkers District.

Why... why can't you come?

I'm, uh, hanging out
with a person.

Oh, uh.

Like a date?

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Look, I'm sure whatever
grandfather clock you pick out

will be perfect.
Just...

can you try
to get a digital one?

I find the hands
very hard to read.

Okay, but...

Juliet,
parting is such sweet sorrow.

I can't wait for you
to meet my parents.

Where, the cemetery?

- Bye.
- See you later.

I am a lucky guy.

There are so few men
like that in New York.

Yes.
In fact, there are zero.

That's what I have been saying.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I used to think Dr. Reed
was a creep,

but he's such a good guy.

Tamra, if they break up
or she passes away,

- let me know?
- Mm-hmm.

Excuse me.

- Fun sleepover, Mindy.
- I know.

We cyberbullied Morgan
on Facebook.

Hey, what're you doing tonight?

Oh, tonight, um...

- you know, I'm not sure that...
- I forgot to tell you.

I put all of your bills
on auto pay,

so from now on, you don't ever
have to think about it again.

Never have to think
about it again?

Like that mouse I trapped
in my oven?

- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you, Whitney.

Yeah, well, you're welcome.

And, you know what?
Sure.

Why don't we hang out tonight?

How is 9:00?

Uh, 5:00 works better for me
given my situation,

you know, because 5:10
is the 4:20 of cocaine.

Oh, yeah, of course.

- All right, see you then.
- Bye.

♪ ♪

♪ Riding through the city
on my bike all day ♪

♪ 'Cause the filth
ok away my license... ♪

- Hey, come on in.
- Great.

♪ 'Cause the sights
that I'm seeing are priceless... ♪

Be here all night.

♪ Love be my crown ♪

- ♪ Walkin' ♪
- Oh, my gosh!

- ♪ Round London town ♪
- Oh, come in.

- Great.
- ♪ Summer's in the sky ♪

♪ Oh why, oh why ♪

♪ Would I wanna be
anywhere else?...♪

Huh?

- Yeah.
- ♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪

Oh, my God.

- Hey, hey!
- Ah!

Good morning.
Guess what.

Can't sleep at your desk,
all right?

I was up all night
being cyberbullied.

Again, all right?

And you don't see me sleeping
at my desk.

I'm sorry, Morgan.

I've just been
very social this week.

Yeah, we all know
you've been getting wienered

six ways to Sunday,
and thank you

for telling Dr. K about it
and not me.

My cyberbully's right.

I am a loser.

Wait, I'm not getting wienered.

Oh... okay.

That is the lie I told Jody

because really, I've been
hanging out with Whitney.

Whitney?
She's a drug addict!

Okay, she doesn't
do drugs anymore

because she's addicted
to hanging out with me.

Which, like, who isn't?

But I need a break.

Yeah, boundaries are important.

That's why I stopped
tickling patients.

Morgan, I don't think
that this conversation is

- a good use of my time...
- I-it ain't.

I have
a lot of work to do and...

Oh, my God!

That is what I should
tell Whitney.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Wish my cyberbully
could have seen this.

Hey, Whit, I can't hang out.

I have a ton of work,
and I'm really tired.

I get it. I've got two jobs.

One is battling my addiction

which is why
I think we should hang out tonight.

It sounds like we both
need a night of rest.

My disease never gives me
a night of rest, but fine.

Cool! Bye!

Well, how refreshing.

You showed up for a commitment.

I guess the Gonzales
hysterectomy is more important

than grandfather clock shopping.

You're still mad about that?
It happened a week ago.

Look, Jody, I'm sorry.

- How'd it go?
- Well, it was humiliating.

Heinrich was expecting
two people,

so he wouldn't buzz me in.

I could see him
through the window...

but you were busy on your date.

Yes.
Yeah, my date.

I was on a date.

Well, tell me about the guy.

- What's he do?
- Um, he's a...

he's a flight attendant.
A heterosexual flight attendant

for, um, Zoom Airlines.

It doesn't matter.
It's not serious.

Beginning to wonder whether
you take anything seriously.

What is that supposed to mean?

You're a mother.

Your finances are a mess.
You don't seem to care.

You renege
on social commitments.

You're only focused
on hooking up

with this playboy flight
attendant

on some dangerous sounding
new airline.

- Dude, watch your lather.
- Well, I'm sorry,

but I am frustrated right now.

I'm trying to help you become
a more responsible person.

You insist on doing
the opposite.

Well, if my life
stresses you out so much, Jody,

maybe you should just
care about it a little less.

- Oh.
- Like, I don't care about you

with your stupid
grandfather clock.

- I knew it!
- Yeah, they're dumb.

They cost a million dollars
and an app on my phone is better.

Now shut up
and help me take out a uterus.

Mindy?

Hey, Whit, I was watching Narcos
and I thought of you. How are you?

Got lonely and decide to go to
McBarligans with some guys from work.

Hm. I've never been there, but should
and addict be going to McBarfigans?

Nope!

Damn it.

Hey! Hey!

Sorry to interrupt.
It's Mindy from the other day.

- You were checking me out?
- Mm...

You were.
Have you seen Whitney anywhere?

I think she's in the bathroom.

Oh, my God.

Like, in the bathroom
or, like...

- "in the bathroom"?
- I don't know what that means,

but Whitney's in the bathroom
doing coke.

Oh, my God.
Okay, thanks.

Whitney?
I know you're in here.

- Whitney?
- What, did you sleepwalk here

'cause you're too exhausted
to hang out?

Okay one last sniff of drugs,

and that is it.

- God, just get... get in here.
- Hey!

Okay...

Will you shut up?
I am not doing drugs.

Yeah, right.
I've seen movies.

I know where
you're keeping your stash.

It's in a little vial
up your butt.

- I'm gonna find it.
- Hey, hey!

There is nothing up my butt,
okay?

I am in here pretending
to do cocaine,

but really, I am doing Sudoku,

which everyone says
is addictive,

and, uh, it is not.

Okay, then this is crazy.

You chain yourself to your desk,

you are hiding
in a bathroom stall...

- Yeah.
- You're hanging out with me

obsessively
just to avoid your life.

Excuse me.
You're the one who came to me

with a shoebox asking me
to take care of your finances

because you have run out of men
to do it for you.

- That's not true.
- What is so hard

about taking care
of your own finances?

- Are you that lazy?
- I'm not lazy.

I just...

I love bear claws.

What?

I know that the minute I log
in to my bank account

I am going to see that every day

I spend $5 on a coffee
and bear claw...

when I know that I could
just have a packet of oatmeal

and that would be much cheaper.

And all of that money on
bear claws could be better spent

on my son's education
or my retirement.

So, yeah, Whitney,
I don't want to look at it,

'cause it reminds me
that every single decision I make

is as a single mom,
and this isn't what I planned.

You have two bear claws
every morning...

Yeah, I know.

But, um, you know,
I looked at your finances,

and I actually think
you're gonna be fine.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'm rich?
I can buy a lobster tank

- like in a restaurant?
- No, stupid.

I think it would add
a lot of value to my apartment.

No. Let's...
let's get out of here.

Yeah, and go tell those losers
that you're sober.

♪ ♪

Uh, Juliet, right?

It's Jody Kimble-Kinney.

- Hi. You're Jeremy's coworker.
- Yeah.

Are you the one who eats trash?

No, that's Morgan.

And Beverly.
And Mindy.

Actually,
that's quite troubling.

- Uh, may I sit?
- Of course.

So Jeremy is quite taken
with you.

I've never heard your story.

Are you a widow
of a railroad magnate?

You know,
set to leave your fortune

to a handsome younger man
who is kind to you?

Look, I get what this is about.

Yes, I'm a lot older
than Jeremy.

But we really love each other.

With all due respect,
that can't possibly be true.

When one envisions
an ideal couple,

it's only one thing:
a blushing young girl,

and a leathery older man.

It's universal...
from pygmies to the Inuits

to Woody Allen and Miley Cyrus.

Let me ask you,
Dr. Kimble-Kinney,

are you in a relationship?

Whoa.
We're getting awfully personal.

But to answer your question,

no, I am not, by my own choice.

I have been busy with work

and, you know, what with
all the new shows and...

Well, maybe your problem is

that the person
who makes you happy

is the opposite
of what you're used to.

- Next stop, Union Square.
- Oh.

By the way,
I think I'm younger than you.

♪ ♪

Dr. Reed! Nurse Jen!

Get out of here!

You're cheating, Dr. Reed?

Who do you think you are, me?

It's... it's not what
it looks like.

I knew something was up.
I knew it.

You know, before Juliet,
all the nurses thought

you were a British creep
with a tanning addiction.

Then they saw you
with an older woman

and they were like,
"Oh, Dr. Reed's so sweet

and not shallow.
He's hot now."

Fine!
I hated my reputation,

and I would've done anything
to change it.

Except modify my behavior.

What about that poor old lady?

Hasn't she been through enough?

She's lived through,
like, 40 wars.

Well, actually I'm...
I'm kind of paying Juliet

to play my girlfriend.

But it's kinda noble,
if you think about it.

There... there are so few
great roles for women her age.

Oh, please.
Helen Mirren be everywhere.

You know,
the worst part about this

is that Dr. K was right.

Dear, Mindy,

It was extremely inconsiderate
of you

to cancel plans with me
last minute.

I was forced to have
the loneliest dinner.

The pizzeria's name, Uno,
was all too appropriate.

That said,
I think I owe you an apology.

I should not have told you
that your life is a mess.

It is a mess.
It's like one of those stories

they use to scare
young Catholic girls

from going to a dance.

But you're handling it well.

Much better than I would.

So I'm sorry to presume
to know what is best for you.

I'm a man who knows
what he likes.

I've never really tried
much different from that.

But today, a magical old woman
told me something

that made me think
I could be wrong.

If you ever felt so inclined,
I'd like to take you out,

and not just to shop
for a grandfather clock.

Yours, Jody.

♪ ♪

Jeremy, I owe you an apology.

I had a nice chat
with Juliet yesterday.

- Such a lovely spirit.
- Sure. She's fine.

Actually, at the time,
I couldn't understand

how someone like you could be
attracted to someone like her.

Actually, Jody, I kinda feel
terrible about something.

Well, so do I.
For not believing you.

Tell him you hired her,

and it was a sham to have sex
with hotter, younger women.

- Pardon?
- Okay, fine.

Our relationship was fake.
Fake as my nails.

You don't love Juliet?
It is not real?

No, of course not.

Something like
that could never work.

Mm... oh.

No, no.

Oh.

Beverly,
did you take out the mail?

- No.
- Ohh...

But I did tell Morgan to do it.

Morgan?

When Beverly asked you
to take out the mail,

you got distracted
and you forgot as usual, right?

- Of course, I always do.
- Ah.

But, you yelled at me
so much that I had nightmares.

So I mailed the letter.

Don't worry.

Your precious mail's
on the way to its intended.

No!
Why?

- Hi.
- Hey.

How are you doing with all that?

- Do you need any help?
- No, thank you.

As it turns out,
I can be my own money guy.

Good for you.

And my sponsor says
that I need to learn

to let people
run their own lives.

Uh, here.
I brought you something.

Oh, cool, a bear claw.

- Yeah.
- Just one?

- Yes.
- Which is enough.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

You know, I realized

that bear claws are not
my real problem.

I spend most of my money on...

Pay-Per-View pornography.
- Yes.

Obviously can't curb that habit,

so I'm just gonna
give less to charity.

- That's smart.
- Have a seat.

Why don't you
share this with me?

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I have two more

- in my drawer.
- Okay.

Thank you.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.