All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S04E15 - 2 Fast 2 Serious (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda)

So, I've never been set up
by my Postmates before,

but it makes sense because I see
Carlos F. almost every night.

Yeah, Carlos is cool.

Hey, man, the show is down here.

Right, right.

So Carlos mentioned that you...

Yes!

- And one!
- I'm gonna go.

If I wanted to be treated badly
at a wings place,

I'd go by the one by my house
where I don't tip.

W...

Well, wait, I-I-I'm sorry.

Truth is, I haven't been
on a date in a while.

I'm a bit rusty, and right now,

we are in the middle of
a category five Sportz-icane.

What's a Sportz-icane?

It's a day when a bunch
of great sporting events

happen at the same time,

and we've got a game seven
in the NHL,

Lebron versus Kobe,

and the biggest MMA fight
of all time,

Soto Diaz versus Diaz Soto.

I actually kind of like MMA.

I think it's cute
when those guys 69 each other.

Here. Come over here
and sit on my side.

I'll explain everything,
and, uh,

I'll be so busy yammering away

that you can have all the wings.

Okay.
Okay.

Oh, that was very interesting.

I did not know
that they held sporting events

at Madison Square Garden.

I thought that's just
where Billy Joel lived, so...

Um, well, this is me.

You know, it started off bad,
but I had a really nice time.

I had a really nice time too.

- It was fun, right?
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, even though
you choked on a wing

and I had to give you
the Heimlich maneuver.

Yeah, sorry about that.

I'm just such a foodie.

No, I liked it.

I mean, I got to cop a feel
on the first date, you know?

Well, I have delivered you
safely to your apartment.

I'm not gonna make it weird
and ask to come in.

You can come in.
I'd love for you to come in.

Easy, tiger.

Maybe I've earned myself
a nighttime date?

Definitely.

Well...

Morgan, I had the best date.

He's cute,
he made sports tolerable,

he paid for three figures' worth
of chicken wings.

See, I told you,

it's not impossible to date
as a single mother.

Oh, my God, I'm a mom.

I didn't tell him I have a kid.

Did you tell him about me?

No, of course not.

Okay. Don't cry.

Come on, that's not...

Don't encourage him.

Hey, guys.

How do I tell a man that I am dating
that I have a kid?

How many children does he have?

- None.
- Well, then it doesn't matter

how you tell him,
because it's over.

- What?
- I don't know.

I think I would date a woman
with a child.

Thank you.

- A female child, though.
- What?

Well, if it was a boy, it
would only be a matter of time

before he was big enough
to kill me.

Yeah, I could totally see
a little boy killing Dr. Reed.

- Right?
- Yeah, for sure.

Oh, my God, you guys don't
know what you're talking about.

Kurt Russell
got with Goldie Hawn

when she had two kids.

Well, with all due respect,

Mindy is no Goldie Hawn
in "Overboard."

How dare you?

I have fallen off
of several ships.

Hey, man, you're out of line.

Yeah, this one has a child,
all right?

But, maybe there's something
wrong with this guy.

He could be ugly or deformed
or have a scarred penis.

No, stop. I thought
you were going to say

that it didn't matter because
Leo's such a great kid

and anyone would be lucky
to be around him.

Leo's okay.

- All right, that sucked.
- Honest. Just honest.

Colette, you need to get
your ass in there and fix this.

I am all in.
If you bail on me, I'm ruined.

Hey!

What the hell's going on
in here?

Beverly's trying
to sleep out there.

- Sorry.
- Okay, okay, listen.

Colette and I have decided
to move in together,

and now this one is bailing.

I know, I just... I have
a hard time telling my brother

that I got to move out

'cause he's really
protective of me.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize that you
were gonna have to have

a difficult conversation
with your bother.

- Thank you.
- I'm so sorry.

I mean, 'cause I went
to see my grandmother,

the woman who saw me through
prison and my soda addiction,

and I told her
I'm out of here, yo, bitch.

Why would you do that?

'Cause I was hopped up on Sprite

'cause I'm using again.

- Hey, Colette.
- Yes.

Forget Jody.
Where do you want to live?

With Morgan.
With all my heart.

He's my friend, and we wear
the same Croc size.

Okay, I was trying
to give you a way out,

but if that's really
how you feel,

and again,
I find that very hard to believe,

then you need to talk
to your brother.

You're right.

Hey, I need to talk to you
about something.

I have a kid,
and I know that it's a deal-breaker,

so I'm just gonna take my food

and eat in the ladies' room
on the toilet.

Whoa, hold... hold on, hold on.

Wait, wait, wait.
Can we maybe sit down?

We've got, like,
30 more plates of tapas coming.

- I...
- Please?

- Okay.
- Okay.

All right.

Guess what?

- I like kids.
- Really?

Look, we're both in our 30s,

we have our histories.

I mean, I was...

engaged once.

Didn't work out.

My God, I was engaged too.

That's where my kid is from.

It's actually kind of
a sexy story.

We were in the alley
next to a Dumpster

behind the Bubba Gump
just kind of going at it.

Cool, yeah,
do you maybe have any stories

that don't involve you
having unprotected sex

with another man?

Yes.

Once, I got a turtleneck
caught over my head

in a changing room,

and, uh, they had to call
the fire department.

- Made national news.
- Wow.

Good morning, co-workers.

Look out. Here she comes.
Everybody be nice.

- She just got dumped.
- Uh, would a guy

who's dumping me give me
five minutes of tongue

- last night?
- Whoa, what?

He knows you have a son
and he's still interested?

By God, hold on to him, Mindy.

Like a flagpole in a tornado.

Guys, check this out.

He's taking me to a wedding
this weekend.

A wedding?
On your third date?

No, that's too fast.
No, he'll see how you dance.

How you eat shrimp.

Oh, God, this thing's over.

Oh, my God,
what is everyone's problem?

You worry he doesn't like her,

now you're worried
he likes her too much?

You should just not care,
like me.

Thank you, Tamra.
Thank you.

Jody, you know
I'm grateful for everything

that you've done for me,
and I love you.

Well, I love you too, Colette.

That's why I'm so happy
that we live together.

Ah, yeah, uh...

but aren't we lucky
that we get to

- work together, too, right?
- Yes.

So even if we didn't
live together,

we'd still see each other,
like, all the time.

Well, I don't really
consider this you-and-me time,

but I'm okay with that,
because we live together.

I'm moving out.

Yeah, Morgan and I are
gonna be roommates.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

But, why?

I just want to try being
more independent, you know?

All right,
I guess... I guess that's that.

So... you're okay with this?

Well, it doesn't really matter.

Once a Kimball-Kinney's
made up their mind,

that horse is as good as glue.

Thank you.
Thank you, bro.

I love you.

Oh, I... I love you, too.

- Best brother ever.
- Oh, best sister...

Best brother ever!

- You!
- A man could wish for.

Morgan, would you come
to my office, please?

Hey.

I understand that you
and my sister

are going to be living together.

Okay, she told you.

Yes.

I... it's not like
I'm replacing you.

I'm just...

kind of taking the place of you.

Well, that's great.

Listen, would you do me a favor?

Find me an empty box.

Oh, God, yeah.
Nothing beats a nice box.

Good, and then grab
all the effects from your desk

and put them in the box,
because you're fired.

Got it.

Oh, God, I hope we're not
too late to get good seats.

I need my own hymnal.

I actually want to floss
with the ribbon.

I don't think we have to worry.

I know people.

Oh, my gosh, it's Mindy.

We're so excited to meet you.

Oh, hi.
Thank you so much.

This happens all the time.

I actually review cereal
on YouTube.

I'm Janice.

Thank you so much for tuning in.

Keep crunchin'.

No, Mindy, this is not
one of your YouTube followers.

Um, this is my mom.

Oh. Oh!
Oh, my gosh.

It's so nice
to meet you, Mrs. Green.

I didn't know
you were going to be here.

Yeah, my whole family's here.

Why are they here?

Because
it's my brother's wedding.

- Surprise!
- What, now?

Oh, we're starting.

Have a seat.
I'll be right back.

I'm the best man.

♪ ♪

Wow. Your husband
killed a lot of Nazis.

Yeah, you know,

I don't have much time left,

and the fact
that my Bryant found you

gives me great comfort.

Hold up.
Bryant? With a T?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, babe,
have you tried this salad?

It's got candied walnuts in it.

I haven't, and I actually
want to ask you...

Oh, oh, oh, the slideshow

- is about to start.
- Okay.

Oh!

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh, my God.

That's us.

Bryan... t?

That photo
is from the cocktail hour.

Yeah, look.

I know this does seem
like it's moving a bit fast,

and, hell, I wish
my brother's wedding was, like,

six months from now.

But I knew that when
I looked back at these photos

that I'd want you in them.

That's sweet.

Oh, we have to give our toast.

- Okay.
- All right, let's do this.

I have to... I'm...
O-okay.

- Oh, God!
- Why don't you watch

- where you're going?
- God, it reeks!

Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been here for days.

Get up, get up.

- Ah.
- God, what is going on here?

I'll tell you what's going on.

I'm gonna paint you a picture...

of an honest, hard-working
American immigrant

doing his job 9:00 to 5:00,

and one day,
the powers that be say,

"Morgan, you're fired."

Oh, Morgan, so what?

You know that we fire you
every couple months

'cause we don't want to have to
contribute to your 401k.

Yeah, I know, but guess what?

This time I wasn't re-hired.

Wait, who did this?

I'm not gonna say
who did it 'cause I don't dime,

but his name starts with a J
and it ends with Y.

It was him.

I didn't fire Morgan.

Now that I think about it,

there's two people
with the name J and ending in Y.

Sorry, Jeremy.
What a waste of time.

I should have said Jody.

Jody?

Oh, hey.

You cannot fire Morgan,
all right?

He's a good nurse,

and we need
his Jack Nicholson impression

for the hospital skit night.

Yeah!
You do!

Hey, you have to let Colette
do her own thing.

She's a grown woman, Jody.
She's 28.

48?
38?

Okay, you know,
I can't tell with that one.

Would you want your little
brother to live with Morgan?

- Of course.
- Absolutely not.

Because you would suspect
that his apartment

is just an extension
of Morgan himself...

loud and rotting
from the inside.

Hey!

My inside rot has nothing
to do with this.

Talk to this man, please.

Okay, all right.

Look, Jody, you and I both know
that this place probably sucks.

What? No, I can hear you.
It's good.

I'm telling you,
it has wall-to-wall floor.

And that's what I'm telling him.

- I got to do it my own way.
- All right, fine.

For whatever reason,
your sister wants this.

So you can at least take an hour
and go out and look at it.

Fine. Then at least
I can say I tried.

I'll look at it.

- Thank you.
- Yeah!

Hey, Dr. L.

How was the wedding?

You didn't do the worm, did you?

I did.
And his grandparents loved it.

Why were his grandparents there?

Because it was
his brother's wedding.

Hey, did you hear
about Morgan and Colette

wanting to live together?

Hold up.
Back, back.

Your third date was
his brother's wedding?

Okay, Dr. L,
you know I was on Team,

"Eh, Give This a Chance,"

but I think I'm switching to

Team "Nuh-Uh,
This Bryan Guy is Weird."

Actually, his name is Bryant.

That's another cool thing
I learned from this weekend.

Why would a normal,
good-looking guy

want to move so fast?

You're not going anywhere.

Tamra, what do you want from me?

When you're a single mom,

which you will never be
because that is racist,

it's not like there's guys
pounding on your door.

But you have to at least
do your research on the guy.

I tried.
His name is too common.

There's a million Bryan Greens,

and most of them
are just pictures

of Brian Austin Green
and Megan Fox

sunbathing in the nude.

I mean, we could look at those.

Did you look up Bryant Green,

because apparently
he was engaged

to a woman named Theresa,
and he never got married.

Yeah, I know.
He told me that.

Yeah, well, did he tell you

they just broke it off
two months ago?

Oh, my God.
Tamra.

I'm still wearing nail polish
from two months ago.

Yeah. We're gonna have to get
to the bottom of this,

and we're gonna go
straight to the source.

Okay.

This right here
is the media room.

Probably going to
take out that wall,

that wall,
take out the ceiling maybe.

And it's super-safe.

There's smoke detectors
in all the rooms,

locks on all of the doors.

Now, locks can be dangerous.

What if you fall asleep
on the toilet?

Wouldn't be the first time.

We'll take the lock
off the door.

Yeah, we'll take the door
off the wall.

Also, I'll be in there
with her, probably.

- Yeah.
- Brushing my teeth.

Well, I can't say I'm wild
about the neighborhood.

Awful lot of shawarma carts.

But I can see you want this.

I say yea.

Yeah!
Yeah!

- High five.
- All right, all right.

Oh, you know what this means?

- Housewarming party!
- Oh, oh, oh.

Well, perhaps I could
take you out

for pizza and a Co-Cola
to celebrate?

Oh, God, I got to...

I got to pack,
and there's so much to do.

Of course, of course.

I... I'll just go home,
make myself a little salad.

- Okay.
- Remember Spuds MacKenzie?

- Oh, my God.
- I have, like, 30 posters.

- Thank you, Dr. K.
- Bye, bro.

We can have just like
a bunch of Kathy Irelands

- just like hanging...
- Or, like, a rug.

I don't think this is
a good idea, Tamra.

Confronting Bryant's ex
at her place of work?

Well, of course it's a bad
idea for Mindy and Tamra,

but we're not.

We're Isabella and Barb.

Am I Barb?
I know that I'm Barb.

Oh, my God, Tamra.

This woman is
a big-time venture capitalist.

Look at this place.

If security comes,
I'm gonna run.

I'm not getting tased again.

That cannot be good for me
long-term.

We're not gonna get tased.
Just let me handle this.

We're Isabella
and Barb van Amsterdam.

We're here to pitch a business
idea to Theresa Miller.

Uh, do you have an appointment?

We don't have an appointment.
Just an incredible opportunity.

It's a line of nude underwear.

I'm sorry.
She's very busy.

- Of course, yeah.
- T-t-t-t...

Nude underwear
for women of color.

Oh.

One moment, please.

Okay, so right now
the industry standard

for flesh-colored underwear

is somewhere between
Kate and Rooney Mara.

It's like every morning
when I wake up,

my underwear drawer
is telling me I'm not important.

That is the most empowering
underwear pitch

I've heard today.

I'd love to invest.

Well, we need to know
a little bit more about you.

Well, we're a mid-level firm
with investments ranging...

Not so much about your firm.

More about your personal life.

Have you ever been engaged?

What was the guy like?

Who ended it, you or him?

Wait, I know you from somewhere.

Have you ever cleaned my house?

What's that, bitch?

Oh, wait.

You're dating Bryant.

Oh, my God, that's me.

I had fallen asleep
during "Spotlight."

I hope those nosy journalists
got what they deserved.

"Dear Tess, I'm sorry
that my last voicemail

was so frantic and long."

I'm doing much better now.

I actually met somebody.
I hope seeing me

with another woman doesn't
give you second thoughts

about your decision
to end things.

Love, Bryant.

Oh, shit!

Okay, I feel that I have
been misrepresented.

Bryant and I have only been
on three dates.

I'm beginning to think this
isn't about venture capital.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is all a part
of our vetting process.

So, what happened
between you and Bryant?

Well, we started dating
freshman year.

When he proposed, I said yes,

and then I realized he was
the only person I'd ever dated,

and I wanted to see
what else was out there, so...

I broke up with him.

Oh, so now Bryant's
trying to prove to everyone

that he's moved on,

so he'll just date
any old thing.

Okay.

I thought that Bryant
liked me for me.

Not just because I was
a souped-up version of his ex,

no offense.

I got to go talk to him.

Come on, Tamra.
Let's go.

Take the waters.

Try some carrots.

Dug them out of the earth
this morning.

Go nuts.

I never thrown a party before,

but I think this party
is awesome.

I think it stinks!

The eighth grade jazz band
you hired,

they play two songs.

Okay, I can't hear
"The Pink Panther" again.

Talk to them, please.

All right... well, they have
a lot of pizzazz.

Okay, well,
I can't hear that song again.

It's making me crazy.

Hello, everybody.

Hi, how are you?

- Hi!
- That's what you're wearing?

- Okay, I don't need this.
- Oh, oh, no, no, no, no.

So sorry...

It's supposed to be
like a classy party.

Like, I'm wearing... I'm wearing
a matching vest and pants.

It's not that great.

Well, it's better
than what Dr. Reed's wearing

which is like
straight-up gym clothes.

Morgan.
Your apartment's really nice.

Not a million dogs everywhere.
I don't see any garbage.

Aw, thanks.
The dogs are in their room.

They're watching, uh,
"Beethoven's 2nd,"

starring Charles Grodin.

Dr. L, we need to talk.

Your boyfriend
was the first person here

and immediately
broke a chip in the salsa.

Didn't even fish it out.

- Wait, he came?
- Mm-hmm.

- To this?
- Yeah.

Yeah, at, like, 4:00.

We were still in our bathrobe.

Oh, my God.

There's my girl.
I love your friends.

Jeremy and I made plans
to go for a walk

when the weather gets nice.

Uh, okay, this is weird.
I have to talk to you.

- Come on, let's go.
- What?

Come in here.

Oh, for God sakes.

Okay.

Sit down.
Excuse me, pop off.

- Hey, hey.
- What?

Why are you here?

Um, because it's my girlfriend's

co-worker's housewarming party?

I'm not gonna miss that.

No. Listen,
I know that you were engaged

two months ago.
I met Theresa.

You met...
Tess.

How's she doing?

She looked awfully sunburned
in those Instagram photos

from her girls' trip to Cancun.

Okay, her tan
was obviously perfect,

like ooh-la-la.

I think you still
have feelings for her.

No, I don't.

I'm...
totally over her.

I just... I just follow her
on social media

to see what a loser
she's turned into.

Okay.
Listen.

Bryant, nothing would
make me happier

than if a successful,
handsome guy like you

were actually interested in me.

But you're not.

I think you are still
in love with your ex.

And listen, I've been there,

but fast-tracking
our relationship

is not gonna help you.

How am I supposed to find
someone as good as Tess?

What if settling for you
is my best shot?

Okay, we're both nines,
so I take issue with your logic.

But I'm not gonna sit here

and help some good-looking guy
in their 30s

lament their dating prospects
in New York City.

I'm actually about to turn 30.

Okay, how dare you?

How dare you be
in your late 20s?

Meanwhile, I'm 35 with a kid
and a bad personality.

I'm never gonna date again.

Okay.
I guess you should go.

Okay.

Bye.

I'll say,
a lot of people thought

this wasn't
going to be possible.

- But we did it.
- We did it...

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Aaaaaah!

Cinnamon has ringworm.
Don't touch Cinnamon!

Keep playing... this is not what
you're being paid for.

None of the dogs
have their shots.

Keep that adorable bastard
away from me.

- Oh! Hey, everybody.
- Hey...

My brother's here.

So whoever's sitting
in the good chair, get up.

What's up, bro?

- Uhh!
- Oh...

Listen, I wanted to thank you
for your patience with me

as I adjust
to this new situation.

Change is difficult for me.

Well, I appreciate it,

and you're welcome here
any time, bro.

We can have a sleepover
and prank call girls we like.

Well, I don't know
that we need to sleep over,

as I have rented
a place upstairs.

What?

Yes, last night,
as I was taking soup

in the second dining room alone,

I realized this is
too much space for one man.

No freaking way!

Colette, language.

This is just
what I was worried about.

I'm fine.

You're the one with the problem,
you know that?

We shouldn't be living together
at our age.

You know that "Grey Gardens"
runs in our family.

Honestly,
I think that you use living with me

as an excuse to avoid
a real adult relationship.

And take your stupid wine.

I don't know how to open it.

Colette!

Hmm.

Guys, go in that direction.

All right, guys, do me a favor.

Something up-tempo and fun.
One, two, three, four.

Not that.

Mm.

Thank you so much
for the ice cream.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I... I understand
you love your hot fudge.

Mm-hmm.

Listen, about
what Colette said earlier,

I am not scared to live alone

because I am not alone.

I... I have a stuffed owl
in my study.

Thank you.

And Murgatroyd
and I will be fine, so...

Okay.
Totally.

I believe you, Jody.

Actually, it'd be kind of
easier to bring home women

now that you're not
living with your sister.

I beg your pardon?

You know, now you can be
as loud as you want.

You know,
when you're having sex.

You can be like,
"Oh! Waitress I just met!

"Oh! I'm close!
Hit me, hit me.

I'm coming 'round the mountain."

Stop.
Stop it.

This is my neighborhood.

Jessica Seinfeld
lives right there.

Jerry Seinfeld lives there?

Yeah, well...

No soup for you!

Please.
I beg you.

I beg you.
Please stop.

I don't know how
Bryant puts up with you.

He actually doesn't
put up with me anymore.

We broke up.

I'm sorry to hear that.

It's fine.

I'm just starting to feel like

the only way a normal guy
would be interested in me

is if he were crazy.

No, no, Mindy, that is not true.

Yes, you dress
like the Hamburglar.

Yes, you eat burgers
like the Hamburglar.

But I'm not worried about you,
Mindy Lahiri.

You'll be just fine.

Well, this is my house.

- This is where you live?
- Yeah.

I thought this was
the Iraqi Embassy.

This whole building?

Just the third floor.

The sundeck is communal.

But A-Rod is always out there.

What the hell
is wrong with Colette?

I wanna live there.

Well, you want
to spend the night?

In a guest bedroom, of course.

There are eight of them.

You have eight bedrooms?

God, you can do
whatever you want to me.

♪ ♪

- Bye.
- Good night.