All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S04E09 - Jody Kimball-Kinney Is My Husband (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda).eng

You know,
I thought 500 bucks
for four sessions

was kind of a rip off,

but I think this music class
is really helping my son

get his foot in the door
of the music industry.

Now don't be afraid
to share your instruments,
little buddies.

In music, networking
is just as important
as talent.

I see it as an investment.

This is a great
extracurricular

for Gratitude's
preschool applications.

Where is Leo applying?

Preschool?
Oh, no, I mean, look at him.

He's just a little blob
with eyes.

You... You mean
you haven't started

the preschool
application process yet?

Dana and I started
looking at schools

before the pregnancy test
even came back positive
for little Sriracha.

Why would I spend
money on private school
when public school is free?

I mean, why else
am I sometimes
paying my taxes?

Public school?

Is Leo's father
a politician trying
to seem less white?

Okay, you know what?
I went to public school
and I turned out amazing.

It's also where
I learned how
to throw a knife.

Yeah, public school is fine.

It's fine.
Yeah.

I want the best

for little Gratitude.

That's why we're applying
to Little Doorways Academy
for Ethical Children.

Little Doorways?
What dat?

Well, for one thing,
it's the only preschool

in Manhattan
that offers study abroad.

And it's the hardest
to get into.
Mmm-hmm.

Let's just say
the wait list is Jay-Z's
hundredth problem.

Whoa.

I love exclusive things.

It's probably too late
for Leo to apply this year.

But don't worry,
he's a bright kid.

He'll land
on his feet somewhere.

Damn right he's a bright kid,

and he could get
into that fancy school easy.

Everybody loves Leo.

Dr. Lahiri,
Leo needs to go.

He keeps pinching
the other babies' butts.

I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.

He gets that from me.

Remember,
we're not supposed
to do that in public, okay?

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll

Tamra? Tamra?

I went to that
stupid music class

you recommended.
And it was terrible.

All the moms made me feel bad

and the teacher
publicly shamed me.

Derek told me
you shamed yourself
by not having Paypal.

You wrote him a check
and it took forever.

You guys,
all of the moms there

had their kids signed up
for elite preschools
years in advance.

I don't even know
what I'm having for lunch.

Now I'm remembering.

Three cheeseburgers,
extra shred lett.

What does Dr. C think?

Doesn't he want Leo
to go to, like,

the Immaculate Academy
of the Sacred Meatball
or whatever?

Danny would love him
to go to Catholic school,
but no way.

You've heard
what those priests do, right?

Yeah.
They take
a vow of poverty.

I'm not going
to expose my son to that.

Well, look, if you
do decide on prep school,

you better make a move
sharpish.

I was already at Essex
at two months old.

By Leo's age,
I was already singing
our school song.

Cry not for mother

Books are your parents now

Okay, but is private school
that much better
than public school?

I went to public school
and I loved it.

And watching that girl
give birth at prom

is what made me want to be
an obstetrician.

Don't worry, Dr. L.
I went to
public school

and I turned out great, too.

Oh, by the way,
your 2:00 canceled.

No, no, no, no, no... Ah!

- What?
- Okay, guys...

I gotta get my son
into Little Doorways
no matter what.

Colette? Colette?

There you are.

Please tell me
you're free
tomorrow evening.

Ann Marie's visiting and she

wants to take us to dinner.

Whoa.
Ann Marie?

The one you
respect boundaries with?

Listen, you're going
to have to take her out
by yourself.

Oh!
I got my bowling
championship tomorrow night.

The Gutter Belles
are in the finals.

I know!

Are you kidding?
Yeah.

Ellen Page is doing
a documentary on us.

I better go grease up
my finger-holes.

Hey, I'm really proud of you.

Thank you.

Isn't Ann Marie
your sister-in-law
who you slept with?

You can't have
dinner with her by yourself.

There's not enough
suspenders in the world
to keep those pants up.

It's obvious Ann Marie
cooked up this scheme

so she could have me
all to herself.

She won't be able to keep
her hands off me.

We are like sexual dynamite.

I can't hear about how women
are sexually obsessed
with you anymore.

I just know I cannot
resist this siren.

I need someone
to tie me to the mast.

Otherwise, she will tempt me
and eat me alive.

I need... A girlfriend.

Mindy?
No.

Yes.
No.

I am tired of being used
to stop sex from happening.

That's why the high school
principal made me room

with the cool kids
on our trip to D.C.

But I need you.

Jody, I can't.
One, because I don't want to.

Two, because I have to get
my son into preschool,
all right?

And some of us have
more important things
on our minds than sex.

But...

Who the hell ordered
a vibrating seat cushion
with Oscar Isaac's face on it?

That's mine!
Put it in my office!

Thank you so much.
Yeah, I'll make sure
to wire you the money.

All right.

Catch you later, haters.

Someone just bribed
a secretary at Little Doorways
for an interview.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Mindy! Mindy! Mindy!

Are you quite sure
you're fully prepared?

Because these interviews
can be tough.

Yeah, I think I'm pretty much
going to crush this.

First of all,
I'm a female doctor,

like straight out of
a sexist riddle.

Second of all,
I told them that Danny
was a little person,

so they're
going to be touched.
We're golden.

This is New York City, girl.

Everyone's story's impressive.

My doorman used to be
the straight-up
President of Greece.

If it helps,
tell them you know me.

Hey, guys,
thank you so much

for all of your help,
but I think I'll be fine,

because I still have
one card up my sleeve,

the race card.

No, no, no,
no, no.
Wait, what'd you say?

Thank you for granting me
an interview so quickly.

The gods surely must
be smiling on me today.

You know, I don't recall
you having an accent
when we spoke on the phone.

Oh, God, I didn't even
notice it.

That happens sometimes
when you're
the child of immigrants.

Well, as you know,
Little Doorways alums are
exceptionally high achievers.

We've got Rhodes scholars
and Nobel laureates

and the talent booker
for Jimmy Fallon.

What?
Are you kidding me?

Okay, you know what?
I've heard enough.

When can my son start?

Oh, no, Dr. Lahiri.

You're far
from being accepted.

We haven't even met
the child's father yet.

Oh, um... I don't think
you're going to be able to...

He's away for a while.

Away for a little while.
I see.

Yet another father who's
too busy to be involved
in his child's education.

Perhaps you should try
something in Brooklyn.

Oh, no, no, no.
Leo's dad
is the over-involved one.

I'm the checked out parent.

The other day
I took home the wrong kid
from daycare.

Please give my son a chance.

Well, you do have
another chance
to impress the committee.

We're hosting a prospective
parents night tomorrow.

I strongly suggest
you bring Leo's father.

But what if he won't
be back in time?

He's across the country
taking care of a sick relative
who he hates.

We have a father
who's currently
a prisoner of ISIS

and he's planning
on coming tomorrow.

You know what?
We're definitely
both going to be there.

So... Really excited.

Hey, cool guy.

I need you to come
to an event with me
tomorrow night

and pretend
to be Leo's father.

Like a farce?
I love a good farce.

Oh yeah, at my
university's production of
Noises Off,

I played
"man who passes
out programs."

I just need you to pretend
that you're married to me

and help me charm
a very intimidating
older woman

into letting my son
into a fancy preschool.

Hold on,
this is for Little Doorways?

Oh, then I can't do it.

No, it would be infidelity
to my alma mater,

the Essex School
for Unloved Boys.

You're useless.

Wait, how do you know
our school motto?

Couldn't help but eavesdrop.

I would love to be your date.

I do an amazing Dr. C.
Check it.

Buongiorno, my name is
Dr. C. I hug and kiss you.

Morgan is my
best friend.

Tomatoes.
Stop! Stop!

I'm sorry.

That sounds exactly
like Danny.

Honestly, you should be on
Saturday Night Live.

Thank you.

But you can't come with me.

You look like
a dirtbag and
you smell like... Medicine?

No, propane.

I...
No, not you. Anyone else.

Oh, what about
Derek in the morgue?

He's going to a concert
this weekend.

Damn it.
Oh, I got someone.

Okay.
Me!

Beverly, I can't believe
I'm asking you this,
but you're my last resort.

Will you accompany me
on a date tomorrow?

Oh, sorry, I'm not
supposed to date until
I reach my tenth step.

Mmm, damn it.
Back to step one.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute. Jody?

Do you still need
a fake girlfriend?

Because I need a fake husband.

Well, well, well,
looking to strike a bargain
with the devil, are we?

Congratulations,
you are now married

to the most handsome man
you've ever seen.

That's not true.
I saw Bill O'Reilly
at the airport one time.

Hmm.

But, yes, for one night only

I will be your girlfriend
and you will be my husband.

Deal.
Deal.

And I'll be Leo.

No, you can't come.
Okay.

Okay, now, please
do not say anything racist

or sexist or anything
overly conservative.

Oh, and I told them that
you were part Cherokee.

Interesting fact.

The Kimball family actually
escorted the Cherokee
on the Trail of Tears.

Didn't even ask for payment.

There was a real
volunteer spirit back then.

Okay, listen, listen,
for one night,

can you just pretend
that you're not a jerk?

Because, honestly, if you
don't talk that much

people think that
you are handsome

and that you are
maybe even charming.
All right?

Just stick
to non-controversial topics
like the weather.

It is pretty cold out tonight.

So much for so-called
global warming.
Damn it.

What are you doing?

I would never fail
to take my wife's hand before
entering a social gathering.

Oh. Cool.

So, as you can see,
here at Little Doorways,

every moment of the school day
is expertly curated.

Yesterday, our students
learned glassblowing

before being treated to
a lecture by Elie Wiesel.

Oh, my God.
I love Elie Wiesel.

Every night, I...
I read Leo her book.

Um... He's a man.

Okay, ladies, ladies,

at this school we don't use
gendered pronouns

unless we've first issued
a trigger warning

to zheveryone.

That's cool.

Ah, si, si. Bueno.

I have a question.

I was wondering
if any of the ladies
need a husband.

What are you doing here?

It's an open house.
Get out of here.

I just want to say
my husband and I

were very impressed
with this open house.

In fact, we think
this school's the tits.

Well, yes.
We're very proud
of our little school.

We believe that creating
exceptional children starts
with exceptional facilities.

We do, too.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am,
but I beg to differ.

Growing up
a young child in Georgia,

I never had much
in the way of
exceptional facilities.

But I had everything I needed,
a loving mother and father.

So at the end
of the day,

I guess I don't care
if my son goes
to Little Doorways.

We so care.
He's gone insane.

Because, to me,
exceptional children start
with exceptional families.

As long as I'm putting
an apple in his lunch-sack
every day

and his momma's readin'
him a story from
the good book every night,

I think little Leon's
gonna be just fine.

Leo.
Leo.

You know your wife was
so inarticulate before.

You two seem
like an unlikely pair.

Unlikely?

What, 'cause
he's hot and tall?

I'll have you know
he is so old

that every night with me
is basically statch.
I'm like, "Get off."

- Well...
- And he's like, "No."

Oh, don't mind
my beloved Mindy.

Please consider,
that the female hormones

that derange her thoughts
also provide her

with a maternal instinct
that'll bring a tear
to your eye.

Why didn't you have
a speech prepared?

You know, I don't know

if it's the conflict-free
shiraz talking,

but I am going to
fast-track your application.

Oh, my dear.

I just need to pay
a little home visit,
meet Leo.

Are you free tomorrow morning?

Oh, we're free any time.
Seriously.

I won't show up to work,
I'll quit my job.

That's really not necessary.

Uh, well, I want everyone
to follow me

to the art room,
but I have to warn you,

Marina Abramovic
is nude in there.

Ah!

We did it. Thank you.
You were amazing.

Jody,
I am very hard to impress.

I gave the Louvre
one star on Yelp.

But I was really moved
by what you said back there.

I think you're secretly
a good guy.

A good guy?
I don't know.

Good ol' boy, sure.

Gentleman, maybe.

Mr. Teen Georgia 1990,
absolutely.

No, really.
I mean, like, take this
Ann Marie situation.

Old you would've done
something despicable,

but new you
is trying to be good.

All right,
I'm moral or whatever.

But right now I need you
to focus on
making a good impression.

Is this what you're wearing?

I look like a hot witch, dude.

The cashier
at Barney's said, quote,

"Hey, it's your money, lady."

She needs to believe
that you're someone

I'd actually be interested in,

which is already
a bit of a stretch.

That's a little insulting,
but what does it even matter?

I'm just a cock-block.

Oh!
Come on.

Let's go knock 'em dead,
sweetheart.

So, how'd y'all meet?

Jody has never mentioned you.

Oh, that's not a very...
It's actually kind of a...

...interesting story.
...cute story.

You know, I was leaving
the Met Ball

and I was with my girl squad,

Solange Knowles
and George Clooney's hot wife,

and we were accosted
by a drunk man
asking for money.

And that man?
Jody.

I don't think
that's exactly
how it happened.

You poor dear.

It was sad as hell,

and once I helped him curb
his excessive drinking

and lifted him
back on his feet,

he helped me
overcome my anorexia.

I know. It's kind of
hard to tell 'cause I'm
still so slight.

And then somewhere
along the way,
we fell in love.

Didn't we, baby?
Yep.

Hmm.

I never thought
Jody could commit
to one woman.

There was a column
in our town paper called,

"Who's Jody Bedding?"

Well...
When he moved away,
the writer was laid off.

Oh.

Well, that was before
I met this little dollop
of brownie mix.

Yeah.

Cupid's arrow's
finally pierced my heart.

And his penis.

Aren't you happy for us,
Anne Marie?

This is so nice.

It's just a pity
Colette couldn't be here.

I do miss her noogies so.

I wish you'd picked a night
she was free.

Wait, Jody was the one
that scheduled this night?

He was insistent on tonight.

Oh, God!
My water and my ice!

Oh!

Ooh!
Yeah. I'm so sorry.

I'm going to go
help him clean up.
It's very cold!

Yeah. We'll be right back,
Ann Marie. I'm so sorry.

Move your ass.
Get over there.

I wasn't the cock-block,
I was the bait.

I should have known
you were using me for
how hot and sexy I am.

Okay, I used you.

And I'm sorry, but it worked.

Like that time I told you
that only men
could clean the microwave

and you insisted
on doing it yourself.

You son of a bitch.

I thought you had changed.

But you're the same old
depraved pervert.

Look, you owe me
for getting Leo into
that fancy school.

Fine.

Whatever you say, boyfriend.

I'm sorry to report that
Mindy's feeling a little
under the weather.

Oh.
She's going to go home
and have a lie down.

Actually, I'm feeling a lot
better now that I threw up

and I think we should order
some more appetizers.

No, no.

Honey, you're sick.
Remember?

Oh, yes, you are burning up.

I'm just burning up with my
love for you, my sweet.

What, what's going on here?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

You got us.

Mindy's not sick.

No.

The truth is, I broke up
with Mindy.

What?

Just now in, in the bathroom?

He did not break up with me.
I did.

For the record, if anyone is
breaking up with anyone here,

it's me dumping this
southern Skeletor.

Besides, he can't
break up with me

because
Jody gave me herpes.

Oh!

Upstairs kind.

And the
downstairs kind.

Ann Marie, wait.

Mindy's not my girlfriend.

I just brought her here to
try to make you jealous.

Really?

You went through
all this trouble for me?

So who is she?

Is she an escort?

Ex-squeeze me?

That is the nicest thing
that anyone has ever
said to me. Thank you.

Mindy, maybe
you should go home.

I think you've
embarrassed yourself
enough for tonight.

I'll go, but
I just want to say
one thing to you.

I saw a different
side of you tonight.

And if that person is real,

then you deserve a
real chance at love,

not just to be someone's
secret side-piece.

Okay.
Excuse me.

I'm just going to
take this with me
because it's fine.

I'll bring back the
basket tomorrow.

Goodbye.

Whoo. Shall I order
some more wine?

Uh, look, Jody, I wanted to
get you alone because

I have something
very important to
tell you.

You're going to
leave my brother?

Well, I can't help
but feel sorry for him,
but he'll be all right.

He's got his Iraq memories
to keep him company.

I'm never leaving
your brother.

We have a life together.

I mean,
we just got a pool.

But our rolls in the hay
were so passionate.

I recall once the
pigs actually applauded.

You can't deny
what we had was real.

Sure, I enjoyed it
in the past, but

it can never happen again.

Like a sitcom with
all-white characters.

You're right.

That's fine.
That's fine.
I understand.

It's not like I was
in love with you
or anything.

You know?

That disturbed Middle Eastern
prostitute was right.

You deserve love, Jody.

Just not with me.

Okay, Leo,
when the woman from the
admissions office comes,

I need you to
look like a hot nerd.

You know, like
Neil deGrasse Tyson
or Olivia Munn.

Leo, are you reading
an entertainment magazine?

Okay, honey, you got to
pretend that you're not a
total bimbo, okay?

Oh, I'll be right there,
Mrs. Guterman.

Hello, and...

Well, good day,
my lovely wife.

Mmm.
Oh! God!

Have I made it in time
for our appointment?

Jody,
what are you doing here?

Why aren't you with
Ann Marie?

You wined and dined.

Did you not 69?

No.
Ann Marie ended it,

so I engaged in a
same-sex relationship with
one Mr. Jack Daniels.

I hate that
you put it that way.

Speaking of which,
did you know that

if you spend the
night in Central Park

you're considered a
gay cruiser?

Mmm.
I thought
I'd just met

some very friendly
New Yorker fellas.

Oh, no!
Ah!

No, no, no, no.
You cannot...
You cannot sit down.

Yes.
I don't have time
for this right now, okay?

The admissions director is
going to be here any second

and I have to learn
all of current events.

Like, did you know that
Bill Clinton's wife is
running for President?

I didn't!

The home visit is
why I am here.

I make a promise,
I keep it.

Jody Kimball-Kinney writes,
"I'll see you this summer!"

In your yearbook,
you shall be seen!

That's cool.

But you're gross right now

and you're so drunk
you could accept a
Golden Globe.

You got to go home.
I'm going to do this
by myself.

She's here.
Let's do this!

Oh, my heart is broken,
to say nothing of
the blue balls.

Okay, take this off.

Just get in here,
all right?
Yes.

Get in here and I will
just tell her that
you are sick.

Do not leave this room.

No,
don't leave me.

I don't trust myself alone.

What... What if
I take all these pills?

Then you will relieve
all your menstrual cramps
because that's Midol.

God!

Your southern husband
sure does seem to
love the Yankees.

Oh!

Those are actually mine.

Yeah, I'm a
real sport-head.

Oh!
Pfft.

Whoa, nothing but net!

And who is this
little Italian man?

Is he a marionette?

Oh, that is actually the
man that introduced me
to my husband.

You know, when someone
introduces you to the
love of your life,

you keep photos of them
all around your house
as an homage.

Yes, but I don't see any
photos of your husband.

I mean, there's not one.

And between
the two of you,

he's the more
classically photogenic.

Okay, we're both super-hot.

But, you know,
it's our tradition to

not take photos of
ourselves together.

You know, we prefer to
just live family moments.

Moon river, wider than a mile

I didn't realize
your husband was home.

I'm crossing you in style
someday

Or that
he's a counter-tenor.

Well, hello,
lady from yesterday.

Welcome to
our home.

Oh, it's so lovely to
see you again.

I was just asking Mindy
some questions.

That's funny,
I was just thinking of
a question myself.

Why?
Oh, God!

Oh, you reek of bourbon!

Uh...
Not a drinker, so...

I'm going to just talk to him
in the bathroom for a second.

Come on, sweetheart.
Let me talk to her.

You need to chill out!

You are out of control!

It's so cold!

What was that, huh?

I'm drowning!

Okay. Okay.
I'm sober.

Repeat after me.
Okay.

I do not love Ann Marie.

I don't love Ann...

I love Ann Marie!

Wrong answer.

Ann Marie,
I love you!

All right.

Hey, man,
you got to
pull it together.

I met Ann Marie.
She's not even that great.

Her boobs are too big.

She could have
back problems later in life.

I just... I always
looked up to my brother.

I practically
wanted to be him.

Then he had this
perfect, gorgeous wife
and I just...

Wait, wait a minute.

Is the only reason
you like Ann Marie because

she's married to
your brother?

Of course not.

We are soul mates.

I think the jewelry she makes
is very interesting.

Oh, my God.

You're in love with
the idea of her.

And the fact that
you can't have her just
makes you want her more.

Kind of like you
and that ritzy school?

What? No.

Just because the only reason
I'm doing any of this is

to prove to those rich moms
that I'm as good as them,

does not mean that it's just
about me and those rich moms.

Oh, boy.

Well, it's clear
what we both have to do.

Double down on
our impossible dreams.
No.

Jody, we have to
do the right thing.

Damn it.
Come on.

Hey, Mrs. Guterman.

I'm so sorry
we wasted your time,

but I don't think that
Little Doorways is for us.

I... I'm sorry, you're...
You're rejecting us?

You must be joking!

Kelly Ripa once offered me
one night of passion

with Mark Consuelos for
a spot in our school.

Whoa.

That's an offer I accepted.

Mindy, I would do that
for you if you want.

That's not necessary.

I just... I think
I want my son to

go to public school,
you know?

I went to public school.

And I turned out...
Well, not great,
but I'm fine.

It's true.

She's not the fanciest
schooner in the marina,

but she's a
good little tugboat.

Hey, I don't like your
metaphors for me.

All right, well,
just so you know,

I was prepared to
offer you a spot right now.

An alcoholic and a
mentally-challenged
Indian woman...

That's truly unique.

Okay, well,
out of curiosity,
how much is tuition?

Pre-K starts at
70,000 a year.

70,000 dollars?

Mmm-hmm.

If I had 70,000
dollars to blow,

I'd have a new face.
Please leave.

Hmm.
That's insane.

Well, Leo, I think you
might go to school
here one day.

I mean, I know it's
not Little Doorways,
but it doesn't matter.

I'll be taking you on
so many auditions

you'll barely even be here.

Hey, lady?

Yeah?

Give us your extensions
or I'll beat your ass.

My hair's all real!
Don't hurt me.

Run, Leo!
You might have to
go to Catholic school.

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll