Original subtitles

When your fiancé is across the country caring for his sick dad,

it's important he knows that everything back home is smooth sailing.

Hey, Leo? Sweetheart?

You gotta chill, okay?

People are not liking the screaming. It's not a good look.

Damn it!

Okay, no one... No one reach for it or anything.

Just a single mom trying to... Trying to pick up her fruit.

God.

The last thing you want to be is another problem for him,

so best to just pretend everything's "smiley face emoji wearing sunglasses. "

What can I say to you?

But, Annette, I don't have anyone else who can watch Leo.

And I'm in the middle of a delivery right now.

No, I do not care if you have a "very important sweatshirt-decorating class."

Hello?

Hello?

Damn it!

Oh, thank God.

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll

Leo, I think your mom just made you a playpen.

Oh, God! Okay.

But it's not easy running two businesses,

raising a child alone,

and doing Danny's share of the chores.

Which, as it turns out, was all of the chores.

Okay, um...

Oh, come on.

No, no, no, Leo!

That drill is for Mommy.

Anyway, God, all that I'm asking is that

you let me have this one bath with no interruptions.

And if you don't,

I am seriously switching religions to Kabbalah,

and then Madonna can be my god. Okay.

Open up! It's the masturbation police.

God?

Great news!

I'm your houseguest for the week.

Take care of me!

Oh, God! Oh, no!

Peter, now is not a good time for me.

I should've called first. Yeah.

I'm sorry, it was a spur-of-the-moment thing. Yeah.

My wife took the kid out of town for the week,

so I thought I'd head over here

and party like it's 1999.

Which is also the year I briefly died from alcohol poisoning.

I'm just super busy, and I don't have time to take care of a houseguest.

And as crazy Uncle Peter to your child,

I demand that you come out with me and party.

I want to get drunk and climb the Statue of Liberty.

I want to get hammered and ride the Cyclone.

I want to sneak beers onto the...

Do I have a problem?

Eh.

I cannot talk about this right now, okay?

I'm very tired. It's very late. I'm going to go to bed.

No need.

I put caffeine pills in your water,

which is dangerous and scary.

Damn it, Peter!

Mmm-hmm. Oh, God, Leo!

Okay, I don't want you to be scared.

But I'm gonna go to a meeting right now, and it's very important.

So I want you to stay here and color for a bit.

Mindy, you don't have to babysit me like a child.

And do you know where the good crayons are?

'Cause I lost the ones the stewardess gave me.

Peter!

Hey, Jeremy!

I thought I smelled Hooters body spray!

High-fives! Yeah!

Never quite figured that one out.

God, I mean, where to start?

You know, since my breakup, Jody has been setting me up with a ton of women.

Mmm-hmm. Just empty, meaningless, acrobatic sex, Peter.

Mmm. I've never felt more alone.

That can be tough.

Well, listen, we should have a gentlemen's catch-up dinner.

I think we just gentlemanly caught up.

And, besides, Mindy and I have some quality time booked, so...

And she's really been looking forward to it.

Mindy just texted the entire office saying,

"Can someone take Peter off my hands?"

Tonight it is.

Okay, okay. Looking forward.

Melville, let's talk turkey.

Tell me how much money the practice has brought in this quarter.

And I hope it's at least three million

because we have committed quite a bit to Zach Braff's newest Kickstarter.

After expenses, this is how much your practice has netted.

Oh, my God! That's so great! How is that possible?

It's a negative number.

What?

You have more money going out than you have coming in.

It's, it's as simple as that.

How did this happen?

Well, you spent most of your revenue on something called the

"Later, Baby Launch Party."

In retrospect, we shouldn't have rented out Governor's Island.

Nobody came,

because someone wrote "Rikers Island" by accident on the invitation.

It was me.

If you don't get more patients in immediately,

your practice will definitely go under.

If we wanted predictions on the future,

we'd go to my psychic, Lady Mysterioso. Yeah.

We pay you for accounting advice.

Actually, you haven't paid me in months.

Which is the other reason I'm here.

Did you see this negative number?

I just learned what that meant.

Can you just take your money out of this?

Morning.

Hmm.

Are we looking for something?

My energy drink.

It's called "Heart Attack Fuel."

It's in a big red can.

There's a picture of a heart on it giving the finger.

I threw it out.

FDA banned that stuff after those teens danced themselves to death.

How dare you throw out my energy drink!

That's the only way I know how to wake up in the morning, Jody.

I spent half the night awake because my baby was crying,

and the other half awake because Peter was crying.

He decided to play Danny's piano with his penis,

and the lid shut right on it.

Are you all right?

I feel like since your fiance left,

you've really started dressing down.

Ex-squeeze me?

I liked how you used to dress, all bright and colorful.

Like the homosexual flag.

I do not need to take fashion advice from some guy

who's wearing the same clothes as he did yesterday.

My, uh, slovenly appearance is the result of an erotic exploit,

not the early warning signs of depression.

"Depression"?

I don't think so, pal.

Would a depressed person have the energy to drink two bottles of wine a night?

Is there anything I can do to help?

There's a lot you could do, actually.

You could maybe convince my fiance to come back from California,

and help take care of our kid.

You could get me some more patients for my fertility clinic.

You could take out my episiotomy stitches,

which, as it turns out, are not the dissolvable kind.

Now I need to go wake up.

Morgan! Come here!

I need you to slap me in the face.

Dr. Reed, you know I'm not a dramatic person...

With respect, you started an office drama club,

but then didn't put on a play because there was too much behind-the-scenes drama.

Nonetheless,

I can't share an office with Colette.

She keeps pranking me.

It's not my fault Tamra doesn't have a sense of humor.

She's like, "Ugh!"

I just don't think leaving this on my chair is funny.

It was so funny.

I like smart comedy that says something about society.

Or Tosh.

Anything exciting going on in this room?

Peter, you'll enjoy this.

I'm settling a little nurse dispute.

Okay, back at boarding school whenever two boys had a spat,

Matron would make them hold a bean against the wall with their noses

until they were friends again.

So, observe.

I got a better idea than holding all these beans.

Why don't you two come to dinner

with Jeremy and I tonight, and we can talk this all out?

That was meant to be a guy's dinner.

Just for us to catch up.

Ladies, bean your nose!

What do you guys say?

Whatevs. I love food.

Somebody going to pick me up or just Uber there?

Are you all quiet because you're beaning your noses?

Huh? Right there.

How much money did you spend on this again?

One grand. I know. Oh, God.

But all of a sudden, circular motion...

Like, over the back stand kind of like...

Oh, God!

Oh, God, Morgan!

Fear no more.

Your savior has arrived.

Is the Rapture here?

Thank God, because this business is going under.

I've come up with a genius plan to save your practice, Mindy,

as you requested.

When I said that, I was obviously being sarcastic,

like whenever I compliment a woman.

Morgan and I don't need your help.

Ooh, a Rumpelstiltskin promotion.

We get you pregnant for free, we keep the first baby.

We're not doing that. I hate it when you bring it up. It's illegal.

I know I'm a doctor, but I am also an entrepreneur.

I've invested in several businesses in Georgia,

including a barbecue restaurant I co-own with Annie Potts.

Ooh. And she's just as nice as you might suspect.

Talk to me about the side dishes there.

Wait! What is your idea?

If you want to attract younger patients to Later, Baby,

go to the source.

Start doing presentations in colleges.

Ooh! That's good.

I've taken the liberty of calling NYU.

I'll be taking a 50% stake in your business.

Thank you.

We'd be ruined without you.

- Okay. - Abso-toot-ly not.

Morgan and I would never go into business with someone like you.

Someone like me? I am, I am a decent fellow.

Why, earlier today I winked at a fat woman.

You are a creep.

And I think your pocket square is a pair of women's panties.

And you know what else?

Your crappy idea wasn't even that good.

So, why don't you hit the road, Jack?

Hit the road, Jack.

All right. Suit yourself.

Just cut it out. Go, go, go, go!

Get out of here, you loser!

That was an amazing idea.

Obviously, that was an awesome idea,

and we're definitely going to do it.

We're just not going to tell Jody.

But that's stealing.

You can't steal an idea, Morgan.

It's like stuff in the drugstore that can fit in your pocket.

It's up for grabs. Now call NYU.

I'm sorry, how is that not stealing? Just call NYU!

I'm no professional therapist,

but I did help my frat brother

Pube come out to his parents.

He's now known as Vag.

So why don't you tell me what's going on here?

Colette is constantly pranking me.

She dipped my braid in paint!

That's some Tom Sawyer-ish!

If you hated it so much, why didn't you wash it out?

To make it look like an intentional fashion choice!

Now the Style Section wants to write a blurb about it,

and I don't have time for that!

Ow! I'm not as strong as I look.

All right, ladies! Ladies!

Ladies! Please!

Let me tell you guys a story about two people

who didn't get along at first,

but grew to be the closest of friends.

Me and Jeremy.

This should be good. Let's hear it.

Well, when I first started working here,

Jeremy and I hated each other.

Did we? News to me.

Came to be, he was the best man at my wedding.

Well, I was your fourth choice.

And I got only one dance with you the whole night.

Well, now we're all good.

What, what I'm trying to say is that...

We're not that good.

It is very challenging to prepare for this presentation

when we have so little time.

Yeah, I know. Okay? And guess what?

Ow! You gotta nail it!

You, madam, are a downright dirty thief.

Damn it!

Where did you find that?

I just followed the stench of a rotten deed.

I deserve a piece of your business.

A piece of my business?

I don't think so, pal.

He doesn't even have a piece and he does, like, half the work.

Yeah. So...

We should talk about that.

I, I've been cleaning.

I'm doing custodial stuff around here, so... Hold on. I've got a call.

Okay, it's Annette. I gotta take this.

It's a family thing. You have to wait.

Hey, Annette. What's going on?

You're sick?

Yeah, why didn't you get the flu shot?

No, you can't get autism, you're too old.

Okay, yes, I'll be... I'll be over. I'll get Leo.

Everything okay?

I have to go pick up Leo from Annette's.

I don't know how I'm going to prepare for this presentation.

Okay, you're not going anywhere. You're going to sit there

on your butt and you're going to practice.

If you don't have time to prepare,

you could let, say, your new partner give the presentation.

I don't know how to explain this to you,

but, like, you're not my partner.

I'm going to be doing this presentation by myself.

It's going to be as compelling as a TED Talk,

and as funny as Ted 2. Okay? Goodbye.

This isn't over.

I will not be cheated.

This is Annie Potts all over again.

You complain about Mindy being a bad friend,

'cause she won't drop everything the second you waltz into town.

What about what you did to me? What'd he do?

Say it's weird for an adult man to own a bird?

No, this has nothing to do with Roger, okay?

I went to stay with Peter in Austin last month,

and I had a terrible time.

Of course, 'cause those chain stores are sapping Austin's quirk.

It's a real dilemma.

No, because you were a terrible host.

He insists I stay with him,

then the second I arrive, he dumps me at a motel.

That sucks nard.

Colette, you have no idea the nard it sucked.

Every activity I had planned that weekend, Peter ruined.

Like, we went to dinner,

and you just stared at your phone the whole time.

I was live-tweeting how mad at me you were.

Then, on the Saturday night, I get tickets for us to see the Dixie Chicks.

Halfway through Cowboy Take Me Away, you leave.

Knowing full well that that song has always reminded me of us.

Damn, that's cold!

At least wait until Natalie Maines starts talking politics,

and everyone gets up to go to the snack bar.

Wait till she starts talking politics.

Is that so hard? And here we are again.

You can't even have a dinner alone with me,

without inviting two buffers.

No offense.

You, sir, should not be giving friendship advice,

'cause you're a horrible friend.

Oh, no. Jeremy, don't go. No.

Do you guys want to get the soufflé?

'Cause if we want it, we have to...

Gotta act fast.

Ovulation is triggered with an injection...

...of human chorionic gonadotropin.

Okay, I know my speech is very boring, Leo, all right?

It's just that the material is so dry.

Unlike you, who is very wet.

Okay.

Come on.

Are we out of diapers?

Oh, come on!

You know what, Leo?

We all gave Precious' mom a hard time,

but I get it now.

This single-mom stuff sucks.

Two hours later, your diaper's on.

I'm finally to get back to work.

Oh, cool.

I just wiped you with my presentation.

What's wrong with you, you butthole?

Yeah, you're a bad friend.

And one time I didn't pick up Cousin Sheena from the airport for two days.

I am not a bad friend. I just had other stuff going on.

You don't leave a delicate British man alone in Texas.

He carries a parasol in the sun.

Yeah. And it sucks to be alone in a strange city.

Last weekend, I went out on a Central Park rowboat by myself.

People thought I was trying to dump a body.

You did?

Well, I didn't dump a body, but I was by myself.

Well, maybe if you weren't always pranking me,

you'd actually have a friend to do stuff with.

Well, maybe that's why I keep pranking you,

so you can't ignore me.

Really?

That's hella counterintuitive.

I know.

I'm, I'm really sorry.

It's just Southern people are complicated.

The two things we're known for are being friendly and slavery.

Mmm-hmm. Okay, don't say that.

Oh. But, you know, Colette,

I'd rather be a good friend than be a jerk like Dr. P.

I told you guys bringing you here would solve all your problems.

We hate you! Shut up!

Hey, sleepyhead!

What time is it?

It's about 11:00. I let you sleep in.

Took care of Leo. You've been so busy lately.

Oh, my God. I'm missing my presentation!

Peter, why didn't you wake me up?

Because you've been so exhausted, I thought I'd let you rest.

Aren't I a good friend?

No, you are not a good friend.

Watch Leo!

A lot of people have been saying that lately.

And that's the best part about Later, Baby.

You give your future-self options.

And your future-self could use all the help she can get, am I right?

- She'll be coming out of here with a pile of student debt. - Hey.

A useless degree in French literature,

and four years of regrettable Facebook photos.

How's it going? He is killing it.

Jody's a totally captivating performer.

And the audience isn't nervous for him when he's on stage,

like they are with you.

Yeah, he actually is pretty good.

Thank you for coming today. Are there any questions I can answer?

I have a question.

Yes, miss?

Why did you have sex with me if you were also having sex

with three other girls in my dorm?

Nope. I was right the first time.

He is a bad guy.

He can bail himself out. Recover. Recover.

He can bail himself out. Recover. Recover.

He slept with me, too.

Me, too. How could you do that?

Maddie and I are roommates. We share a BRITA.

It's true. I have made love to a lot of you.

Up, up, up, up, up. Okay, distract them.

Please, uh, just, if you'll hold on...

Hey, I'm going to talk to you for a second. Come here.

No, no, no! Nobody move.

Don't leave.

Prepare to be amazed and distracted

as I, Morgan Fairchild Tookers, do something I've never done.

Nail a back-flip.

That's who you've been having erotic exploits with?

These college girls?

Yes.

But the silver lining is that by making love with Maddie and her dorm-mates,

I got this great idea for your business.

It is not acceptable to have sex with 18-year-olds.

I agree. It was distasteful.

No, it was gross, you old perv.

The only reason you're even with these girls

is that they're the only ones that can stand you for more than a night.

You're right. I am, as you say, an old perv.

Oh, God.

Are you crying?

What is this weird move?

I made love with these girls

because I'm in love with a woman that I can never have again.

Who? Anne-Marie, the wife of my brother.

Why didn't you gasp?

Honestly, that seems on-brand for you.

I've been quietly in love with her for years.

But a few months ago, I began to quietly do her.

That's why I had to leave Georgia with such haste.

Because my brother would never forgive me

if he found out that I had been defiling his wife.

Oh, and I do mean "defiling."

Oh, God. Barf.

Gross. Stop it.

I sleep with these coeds to fill the void in my heart left by Anne-Marie.

And because they're hot and it's fun.

What a weird story. Yeah.

Why not just go after a woman your own age?

You know, who's like your intellectual peer?

No, no. I'm... I'm tall and handsome.

I'm sure it won't come to that...

But I am sorry that I messed up your chance to save your practice.

Well... Your company is a joke!

Come on, Morgan. You can do it.

Come on, already!

Getting, getting into it, you know? Okay, seriously?

Maybe I still can.

Ah! Ah!

That was...

Did you see it? Hey, everybody.

Did you see? I did a back-flip.

No, I didn't see it. It was probably bad.

No, no, it was amazing. Just go, go, go. No, it probably sucked.

I didn't see it. It probably sucked.

Just get off the stage. Thank you.

Come on, man. Hey, everybody.

Um, my name is Dr. Mindy Lahiri,

and I just want to apologize for my colleague Jody's behavior.

Boo!

I know. I know. I know he sucks, all right?

But let's be honest, guys.

Most men are complete garbage.

It's true. We are!

Boo!

Okay, listen, listen.

When I was your age, I thought that I was

going to be married by the time I was 25,

but it took a lot longer than that.

And unfortunately, your body does not care

if you are dating the wrong guy,

or the guy you're with is also sleeping with the rest of your dorm.

Your body and your eggs just keep getting older.

Which is why freezing them is actually a pretty smart idea,

'cause it gives you a little bit more time,

so that you can try to find that one diamond

in the crap heap of American men.

Because even if you find the right guy,

you're gonna want a little extra time.

I mean, look at me.

I'm so busy I wear my pajamas everywhere.

And I'm pretty convinced that I will take my episiotomy stitches with me to the grave.

It's because being an adult is messy and hard.

It's not just all "smiley face emojis wearing sunglasses. "

Seriously?

Whoa! You like that?

Were you expecting anyone, Roger?

Cowboy, take me away

Fly this girl as high as you can into the...

I can't do this. This is so embarrassing.

Peter?

Come in.

Make it quick, though. This is Roger time.

Look, I'm sorry that I was such a terrible host when you were in Austin.

I wasn't blowing you off.

I was just... I was embarrassed.

Of what? My chaps?

My little red cowboy hat?

No, not those things specifically, but I...

Thank you. I was embarrassed about myself.

I mean, I used to be like a cool dude,

now I'm just a whipped-ass dad.

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

Do you know why you couldn't stay with me in Austin?

It's 'cause my in-laws were in town,

I had to sleep on the porch, and I got peed on by a coyote.

Well, what about the phone at dinner?

What about the concert?

I was doing my fantasy football draft at dinner,

'cause I can't mention sports in the house,

or I lose TV for a week.

Such are the depths of my whipped-ness.

And you thought I would think less of you.

When I lived here, I was so much cooler than you.

Mmm. Now you're nips-deep in all this schnizz,

and I'm like, where does that leave me? You know?

Less cool than my least cool friend.

"Friend"?

Oh, my God, Peter.

Thank you for saying that.

You know what? I've been ignoring you on this trip, and that ends now.

From this moment forward,

I'm going to stay with you while I'm in New York City.

That's great.

I mean, tonight might be tricky 'cause I kind of have a date coming.

A date? Great. Tell her to come by.

I'll do nothing but listen.

Unrelated, where do you keep the lotion?

Bathroom.

"The bathroom."

Well, the good news is you're not dying,

which is, frankly, quite a surprise.

Thanks for taking out my stitches.

You were right. I have not been taking care of myself.

Well, your va-jazzlement could use some maintenance.

There's nothing but a thicket of rhinestones down there.

It was once cool, though. It said, "Eat here." Hmm.

Hey, do you think that you can be my OB/GYN from now on?

Sure.

And, uh, I'm sorry about earlier.

I should've disclosed that my business idea was borne of ignominy.

I actually have a secret, too.

Your trip to Europe last year was actually a brief stint in jail? They told me.

Since Danny's been gone, I have been pretending I'm fine, but you know what?

I'm not. I'm really struggling.

Listen, admitting you need help is no sign of failure.

No one can do it alone.

Mother had a fleet of help to raise us, and she still spiraled into insanity.

Thanks, Jody.

Wait.

Are you nice?

Shh!

Well, I do need your help.

I want you to be my partner.

And we will split the profits 50/50.

No! No, 50/40, because Morgan deserves 10%.

Oh, God! Oh, God, thank you! Thank you.

Morgan, are you listening outside the door?

Always. I'm so happy, I'm gonna do a back-flip.

Ahh! Ow!

Oh. Morgan.

Dr. K!

Hello?

Hey, how are you?

Oh, I'm so glad you called.

I wish I was there with you guys.

I miss you, and things are a little overwhelming right now.

I miss you and Leo so much. Tell me what's going on. Really?

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll