All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S04E08 - Later, Baby (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda).eng

When your fiancé is across
the country caring for his sick dad,

it's important he knows that everything
back home is smooth sailing.

Hey, Leo?
Sweetheart?

You gotta chill, okay?

People are not liking
the screaming.
It's not a good look.

Damn it!

Okay, no one... No one
reach for it or anything.

Just a single mom trying to...
Trying to pick up her fruit.

God.

The last thing
you want to be is
another problem for him,

so best to just pretend
everything's "smiley face
emoji wearing sunglasses. "

What can I say to you?

But, Annette,
I don't have anyone else
who can watch Leo.

And I'm in the middle
of a delivery right now.

No, I do not care
if you have a "very important
sweatshirt-decorating class."

Hello?

Hello?

Damn it!

Oh, thank God.

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll

Leo, I think your mom
just made you a playpen.

Oh, God! Okay.

But it's not easy
running two businesses,

raising a child alone,

and doing Danny's
share of the chores.

Which, as it turns out,
was all of the chores.

Okay, um...

Oh, come on.

No, no, no, Leo!

That drill is for Mommy.

Anyway, God, all that
I'm asking is that

you let me have this one bath
with no interruptions.

And if you don't,

I am seriously switching
religions to Kabbalah,

and then Madonna
can be my god. Okay.

Open up!
It's the masturbation police.

God?

Great news!

I'm your houseguest
for the week.

Take care of me!

Oh, God! Oh, no!

Peter, now is
not a good time for me.

I should've called first.
Yeah.

I'm sorry, it was
a spur-of-the-moment thing.
Yeah.

My wife took the kid
out of town for the week,

so I thought
I'd head over here

and party like it's 1999.

Which is also the year
I briefly died from
alcohol poisoning.

I'm just super busy,
and I don't have time to
take care of a houseguest.

And as crazy Uncle Peter
to your child,

I demand that you come out
with me and party.

I want to get drunk and
climb the Statue of Liberty.

I want to get hammered
and ride the Cyclone.

I want to sneak
beers onto the...

Do I have a problem?

Eh.

I cannot talk about this
right now, okay?

I'm very tired.
It's very late.
I'm going to go to bed.

No need.

I put caffeine pills
in your water,

which is dangerous
and scary.

Damn it, Peter!

Mmm-hmm.
Oh, God, Leo!

Okay, I don't
want you to be scared.

But I'm gonna go
to a meeting right now,
and it's very important.

So I want you to stay here
and color for a bit.

Mindy, you don't have
to babysit me like a child.

And do you know
where the good crayons are?

'Cause I lost the ones
the stewardess gave me.

Peter!

Hey, Jeremy!

I thought I smelled
Hooters body spray!

High-fives! Yeah!

Never quite figured
that one out.

God, I mean,
where to start?

You know, since my breakup,
Jody has been setting me up
with a ton of women.

Mmm-hmm.
Just empty, meaningless,
acrobatic sex, Peter.

Mmm.
I've never felt
more alone.

That can be tough.

Well, listen, we should
have a gentlemen's
catch-up dinner.

I think we just
gentlemanly caught up.

And, besides, Mindy
and I have some quality
time booked, so...

And she's really been
looking forward to it.

Mindy just texted
the entire office saying,

"Can someone take
Peter off my hands?"

Tonight it is.

Okay, okay.
Looking forward.

Melville,
let's talk turkey.

Tell me how much money
the practice has brought
in this quarter.

And I hope it's
at least three million

because we have committed
quite a bit to Zach Braff's
newest Kickstarter.

After expenses, this is
how much your practice
has netted.

Oh, my God!
That's so great!
How is that possible?

It's a negative number.

What?

You have more money going out
than you have coming in.

It's, it's as simple
as that.

How did this happen?

Well, you spent most
of your revenue on
something called the

"Later, Baby Launch Party."

In retrospect,
we shouldn't have rented
out Governor's Island.

Nobody came,

because someone wrote
"Rikers Island" by accident
on the invitation.

It was me.

If you don't get more
patients in immediately,

your practice will
definitely go under.

If we wanted predictions
on the future,

we'd go to my psychic,
Lady Mysterioso.
Yeah.

We pay you for
accounting advice.

Actually, you haven't
paid me in months.

Which is the other reason
I'm here.

Did you see this
negative number?

I just learned
what that meant.

Can you just take
your money out of this?

Morning.

Hmm.

Are we looking
for something?

My energy drink.

It's called
"Heart Attack Fuel."

It's in a big red can.

There's a picture
of a heart on it
giving the finger.

I threw it out.

FDA banned that stuff
after those teens danced
themselves to death.

How dare you throw out
my energy drink!

That's the only way
I know how to wake up
in the morning, Jody.

I spent half the night awake
because my baby was crying,

and the other half awake
because Peter was crying.

He decided to play
Danny's piano with
his penis,

and the lid
shut right on it.

Are you all right?

I feel like since
your fiance left,

you've really started
dressing down.

Ex-squeeze me?

I liked how you used to dress,
all bright and colorful.

Like the homosexual flag.

I do not need to
take fashion advice
from some guy

who's wearing
the same clothes
as he did yesterday.

My, uh, slovenly
appearance is the result
of an erotic exploit,

not the early warning signs
of depression.

"Depression"?

I don't think so, pal.

Would a depressed person
have the energy to drink
two bottles of wine a night?

Is there anything
I can do to help?

There's a lot
you could do, actually.

You could maybe convince
my fiance to come back
from California,

and help take care
of our kid.

You could get me
some more patients for
my fertility clinic.

You could take out
my episiotomy stitches,

which, as it turns out,
are not the dissolvable kind.

Now I need to go
wake up.

Morgan! Come here!

I need you to slap me
in the face.

Dr. Reed, you know
I'm not a dramatic person...

With respect, you started
an office drama club,

but then didn't put on a play
because there was too much
behind-the-scenes drama.

Nonetheless,

I can't share an office
with Colette.

She keeps pranking me.

It's not my fault Tamra
doesn't have a sense of humor.

She's like, "Ugh!"

I just don't think leaving
this on my chair is funny.

It was so funny.

I like smart comedy
that says something
about society.

Or Tosh.

Anything exciting going on
in this room?

Peter, you'll enjoy this.

I'm settling
a little nurse dispute.

Okay, back at boarding school
whenever two boys had a spat,

Matron would make them
hold a bean against the wall
with their noses

until they were
friends again.

So, observe.

I got a better idea
than holding all these beans.

Why don't you two
come to dinner

with Jeremy and I tonight,
and we can talk this all out?

That was meant
to be a guy's dinner.

Just for us to catch up.

Ladies, bean your nose!

What do you guys say?

Whatevs.
I love food.

Somebody going to pick
me up or just Uber there?

Are you all quiet because
you're beaning your noses?

Huh? Right there.

How much money did
you spend on this again?

One grand. I know.
Oh, God.

But all of a sudden,
circular motion...

Like, over the back stand
kind of like...

Oh, God!

Oh, God, Morgan!

Fear no more.

Your savior has arrived.

Is the Rapture here?

Thank God, because
this business is going under.

I've come up with
a genius plan to save
your practice, Mindy,

as you requested.

When I said that,
I was obviously
being sarcastic,

like whenever
I compliment a woman.

Morgan and I
don't need your help.

Ooh, a Rumpelstiltskin
promotion.

We get you pregnant for free,
we keep the first baby.

We're not doing that. I hate
it when you bring it up.
It's illegal.

I know I'm a doctor,
but I am also
an entrepreneur.

I've invested in several
businesses in Georgia,

including
a barbecue restaurant
I co-own with Annie Potts.

Ooh.
And she's just as nice
as you might suspect.

Talk to me about
the side dishes there.

Wait! What is your idea?

If you want to attract
younger patients to
Later, Baby,

go to the source.

Start doing
presentations
in colleges.

Ooh! That's good.

I've taken the liberty
of calling NYU.

I'll be taking
a 50% stake
in your business.

Thank you.

We'd be ruined
without you.

- Okay.
- Abso-toot-ly not.

Morgan and I would
never go into business
with someone like you.

Someone like me? I am,
I am a decent fellow.

Why, earlier today
I winked at a fat woman.

You are a creep.

And I think your pocket square
is a pair of women's panties.

And you know
what else?

Your crappy idea
wasn't even that good.

So, why don't you
hit the road, Jack?

Hit the road, Jack.

All right.
Suit yourself.

Just cut it out.
Go, go, go, go!

Get out of here,
you loser!

That was
an amazing idea.

Obviously, that was
an awesome idea,

and we're definitely
going to do it.

We're just not going
to tell Jody.

But that's stealing.

You can't steal
an idea, Morgan.

It's like stuff
in the drugstore that
can fit in your pocket.

It's up for grabs.
Now call NYU.

I'm sorry, how is
that not stealing?
Just call NYU!

I'm no professional
therapist,

but I did help
my frat brother

Pube come out
to his parents.

He's now known as Vag.

So why don't you tell me
what's going on here?

Colette is constantly
pranking me.

She dipped
my braid in paint!

That's some
Tom Sawyer-ish!

If you hated it
so much, why didn't
you wash it out?

To make it look
like an intentional
fashion choice!

Now the Style Section wants
to write a blurb about it,

and I don't have
time for that!

Ow! I'm not as strong
as I look.

All right, ladies!
Ladies!

Ladies! Please!

Let me tell you guys
a story about two people

who didn't get
along at first,

but grew to be
the closest of friends.

Me and Jeremy.

This should be good.
Let's hear it.

Well, when I first
started working here,

Jeremy and I hated
each other.

Did we? News to me.

Came to be, he was
the best man at my wedding.

Well, I was
your fourth choice.

And I got only one dance
with you the whole night.

Well, now
we're all good.

What, what I'm trying
to say is that...

We're not that good.

It is very challenging
to prepare for
this presentation

when we have
so little time.

Yeah, I know. Okay?
And guess what?

Ow!
You gotta nail it!

You, madam, are
a downright dirty thief.

Damn it!

Where did you find that?

I just followed
the stench of
a rotten deed.

I deserve a piece
of your business.

A piece of my business?

I don't think so, pal.

He doesn't even have
a piece and he does,
like, half the work.

Yeah.
So...

We should talk
about that.

I, I've been cleaning.

I'm doing custodial
stuff around here, so...
Hold on. I've got a call.

Okay, it's Annette.
I gotta take this.

It's a family thing.
You have to wait.

Hey, Annette.
What's going on?

You're sick?

Yeah, why didn't
you get the flu shot?

No, you can't get autism,
you're too old.

Okay, yes, I'll be...
I'll be over. I'll get Leo.

Everything okay?

I have to go pick up Leo
from Annette's.

I don't know how
I'm going to prepare
for this presentation.

Okay, you're not
going anywhere.
You're going to sit there

on your butt and
you're going to practice.

If you don't
have time to prepare,

you could let, say,
your new partner give
the presentation.

I don't know how to
explain this to you,

but, like,
you're not my partner.

I'm going to be doing
this presentation by myself.

It's going to be as
compelling as a TED Talk,

and as funny as Ted 2.
Okay? Goodbye.

This isn't over.

I will not be cheated.

This is Annie Potts
all over again.

You complain about Mindy
being a bad friend,

'cause she won't drop
everything the second
you waltz into town.

What about
what you did to me?
What'd he do?

Say it's weird
for an adult man
to own a bird?

No, this has nothing
to do with Roger, okay?

I went to stay with Peter
in Austin last month,

and I had a terrible time.

Of course, 'cause
those chain stores are
sapping Austin's quirk.

It's a real dilemma.

No, because
you were a terrible host.

He insists I stay with him,

then the second I arrive,
he dumps me at a motel.

That sucks nard.

Colette, you have no idea
the nard it sucked.

Every activity I had planned
that weekend, Peter ruined.

Like, we went to dinner,

and you just stared
at your phone the whole time.

I was live-tweeting
how mad at me you were.

Then, on the Saturday night,
I get tickets for us to
see the Dixie Chicks.

Halfway through
Cowboy Take Me Away,
you leave.

Knowing full well that
that song has always
reminded me of us.

Damn, that's cold!

At least wait
until Natalie Maines
starts talking politics,

and everyone gets up
to go to the snack bar.

Wait till she starts
talking politics.

Is that so hard?
And here we are again.

You can't even have
a dinner alone with me,

without inviting
two buffers.

No offense.

You, sir, should not be
giving friendship advice,

'cause you're
a horrible friend.

Oh, no.
Jeremy, don't go.
No.

Do you guys want
to get the soufflé?

'Cause if we want it,
we have to...

Gotta act fast.

Ovulation is triggered
with an injection...

...of human chorionic
gonadotropin.

Okay, I know my speech
is very boring, Leo,
all right?

It's just that
the material is so dry.

Unlike you,
who is very wet.

Okay.

Come on.

Are we out of diapers?

Oh, come on!

You know what, Leo?

We all gave Precious'
mom a hard time,

but I get it now.

This single-mom stuff sucks.

Two hours later,
your diaper's on.

I'm finally to
get back to work.

Oh, cool.

I just wiped you
with my presentation.

What's wrong with you,
you butthole?

Yeah, you're a bad friend.

And one time I didn't
pick up Cousin Sheena from
the airport for two days.

I am not a bad friend.
I just had other stuff
going on.

You don't leave
a delicate British man
alone in Texas.

He carries a parasol
in the sun.

Yeah. And it sucks to be
alone in a strange city.

Last weekend, I went out
on a Central Park rowboat
by myself.

People thought I was
trying to dump a body.

You did?

Well, I didn't dump a body,
but I was by myself.

Well, maybe if you weren't
always pranking me,

you'd actually have
a friend to do stuff with.

Well, maybe that's
why I keep pranking you,

so you can't ignore me.

Really?

That's hella
counterintuitive.

I know.

I'm, I'm really sorry.

It's just Southern people
are complicated.

The two things we're
known for are being
friendly and slavery.

Mmm-hmm.
Okay, don't say that.

Oh.
But, you know, Colette,

I'd rather be
a good friend than be
a jerk like Dr. P.

I told you guys bringing
you here would solve all
your problems.

We hate you!
Shut up!

Hey, sleepyhead!

What time is it?

It's about 11:00.
I let you sleep in.

Took care of Leo.
You've been so busy lately.

Oh, my God.
I'm missing my presentation!

Peter, why didn't you
wake me up?

Because
you've been so exhausted,
I thought I'd let you rest.

Aren't I a good friend?

No, you are not
a good friend.

Watch Leo!

A lot of people have
been saying that lately.

And that's the best part
about Later, Baby.

You give your
future-self options.

And your future-self could
use all the help she can get,
am I right?

- She'll be coming out of here with a pile of student debt.
- Hey.

A useless degree
in French literature,

and four years of
regrettable Facebook photos.

How's it going?
He is killing it.

Jody's a totally
captivating performer.

And the audience isn't
nervous for him when
he's on stage,

like they are with you.

Yeah, he actually
is pretty good.

Thank you for coming today.
Are there any questions
I can answer?

I have a question.

Yes, miss?

Why did you have sex with me
if you were also having sex

with three other girls
in my dorm?

Nope. I was right
the first time.

He is a bad guy.

He can bail himself out.
Recover. Recover.

He can bail himself out.
Recover. Recover.

He slept with me, too.

Me, too.
How could you do that?

Maddie and I are roommates.
We share a BRITA.

It's true. I have made
love to a lot of you.

Up, up, up, up, up.
Okay, distract them.

Please, uh, just,
if you'll hold on...

Hey, I'm going
to talk to you for
a second. Come here.

No, no, no!
Nobody move.

Don't leave.

Prepare to be amazed
and distracted

as I, Morgan Fairchild
Tookers, do something
I've never done.

Nail a back-flip.

That's who you've been
having erotic exploits
with?

These college girls?

Yes.

But the silver lining is
that by making love with
Maddie and her dorm-mates,

I got this great idea
for your business.

It is not acceptable
to have sex with
18-year-olds.

I agree.
It was distasteful.

No, it was gross,
you old perv.

The only reason
you're even with
these girls

is that they're the only ones
that can stand you for
more than a night.

You're right.
I am, as you say,
an old perv.

Oh, God.

Are you crying?

What is this weird move?

I made love
with these girls

because I'm in love with
a woman that I can never
have again.

Who?
Anne-Marie,
the wife of my brother.

Why didn't you gasp?

Honestly, that seems
on-brand for you.

I've been quietly in love
with her for years.

But a few months ago,
I began to quietly do her.

That's why I had to leave
Georgia with such haste.

Because my brother
would never forgive me

if he found out that
I had been defiling
his wife.

Oh, and I do mean "defiling."

Oh, God. Barf.

Gross. Stop it.

I sleep with these coeds
to fill the void in my heart
left by Anne-Marie.

And because
they're hot and it's fun.

What a weird story.
Yeah.

Why not just go after
a woman your own age?

You know, who's like
your intellectual peer?

No, no. I'm...
I'm tall and handsome.

I'm sure it won't
come to that...

But I am sorry that
I messed up your chance
to save your practice.

Well...
Your company
is a joke!

Come on, Morgan.
You can do it.

Come on, already!

Getting, getting into it,
you know?
Okay, seriously?

Maybe I still can.

Ah! Ah!

That was...

Did you see it?
Hey, everybody.

Did you see?
I did a back-flip.

No, I didn't see it.
It was probably bad.

No, no, it was amazing.
Just go, go, go.
No, it probably sucked.

I didn't see it.
It probably sucked.

Just get off the stage.
Thank you.

Come on, man.
Hey, everybody.

Um, my name is
Dr. Mindy Lahiri,

and I just want to
apologize for my colleague
Jody's behavior.

Boo!

I know. I know.
I know he sucks, all right?

But let's be honest, guys.

Most men are
complete garbage.

It's true. We are!

Boo!

Okay, listen, listen.

When I was your age,
I thought that I was

going to be married
by the time I was 25,

but it took
a lot longer than that.

And unfortunately,
your body does not care

if you are dating
the wrong guy,

or the guy you're with
is also sleeping with
the rest of your dorm.

Your body and your eggs
just keep getting older.

Which is why freezing them is
actually a pretty smart idea,

'cause it gives you
a little bit more time,

so that you can
try to find
that one diamond

in the crap heap
of American men.

Because even
if you find the right guy,

you're gonna want
a little extra time.

I mean, look at me.

I'm so busy I wear
my pajamas everywhere.

And I'm pretty convinced
that I will take my episiotomy
stitches with me to the grave.

It's because being an adult
is messy and hard.

It's not just all "smiley face
emojis wearing sunglasses. "

Seriously?

Whoa! You like that?

Were you expecting
anyone, Roger?

Cowboy,
take me away

Fly this girl as high
as you can into the...

I can't do this.
This is so embarrassing.

Peter?

Come in.

Make it quick, though.
This is Roger time.

Look, I'm sorry that
I was such a terrible host
when you were in Austin.

I wasn't blowing you off.

I was just...
I was embarrassed.

Of what? My chaps?

My little red cowboy hat?

No, not those things
specifically, but I...

Thank you.
I was embarrassed
about myself.

I mean, I used to be
like a cool dude,

now I'm just
a whipped-ass dad.

You're just saying that
to make me feel better.

Do you know
why you couldn't stay
with me in Austin?

It's 'cause my in-laws
were in town,

I had to sleep on
the porch, and I got
peed on by a coyote.

Well, what about
the phone at dinner?

What about the concert?

I was doing
my fantasy football
draft at dinner,

'cause I can't mention
sports in the house,

or I lose TV for a week.

Such are the depths
of my whipped-ness.

And you thought
I would think less of you.

When I lived here,
I was so much cooler
than you.

Mmm.
Now you're nips-deep
in all this schnizz,

and I'm like, where does
that leave me? You know?

Less cool than
my least cool friend.

"Friend"?

Oh, my God, Peter.

Thank you for saying that.

You know what?
I've been ignoring you on
this trip, and that ends now.

From this moment forward,

I'm going to stay with you
while I'm in New York City.

That's great.

I mean, tonight might
be tricky 'cause I kind of
have a date coming.

A date? Great.
Tell her to come by.

I'll do nothing but listen.

Unrelated, where do you
keep the lotion?

Bathroom.

"The bathroom."

Well, the good
news is you're not dying,

which is, frankly,
quite a surprise.

Thanks for taking out
my stitches.

You were right.
I have not been
taking care of myself.

Well, your va-jazzlement
could use some maintenance.

There's nothing but a thicket
of rhinestones down there.

It was once cool, though.
It said, "Eat here."
Hmm.

Hey, do you think that
you can be my OB/GYN
from now on?

Sure.

And, uh, I'm sorry
about earlier.

I should've disclosed
that my business idea
was borne of ignominy.

I actually have a secret, too.

Your trip to Europe last year
was actually a brief stint in
jail? They told me.

Since Danny's been gone,
I have been pretending
I'm fine, but you know what?

I'm not.
I'm really struggling.

Listen, admitting you need
help is no sign of failure.

No one can do it alone.

Mother had a fleet of help
to raise us, and she still
spiraled into insanity.

Thanks, Jody.

Wait.

Are you nice?

Shh!

Well, I do need your help.

I want you to be my partner.

And we will split
the profits 50/50.

No! No, 50/40,
because Morgan deserves 10%.

Oh, God!
Oh, God, thank you!
Thank you.

Morgan, are you listening
outside the door?

Always. I'm so happy,
I'm gonna do a back-flip.

Ahh! Ow!

Oh.
Morgan.

Dr. K!

Hello?

Hey, how are you?

Oh, I'm so glad you called.

I wish I was there
with you guys.

I miss you, and things
are a little overwhelming
right now.

I miss you and Leo so much.
Tell me what's going on.
Really?

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll