Original subtitles

There are a few perks to having your fiancé

be on the other side of the country for a while.

For instance, you can take up the whole bed,

hog all the covers,

and wear the flannel pajamas he calls, quote, "boner pesticide."

Best of all, no one tells you what to do,

unless your future mother-in-law has descended

upon your home like a biblical plague.

Oh, good afternoon, sleeping beauty.

All right, all right, all right.

Hey!

When are you going to be done? I got a list of questions for you.

God! Can I have some privacy, please?

What's the big deal? It's nothing I haven't seen.

Actually, I've never seen it like that.

Can you not look at my vagina? Get out of here!

Okay.

Oh, God.

Annette, Annette? Good morning.

I really appreciate you doing the laundry.

But I was wondering if you could just look at the tags

because I think some of my clothes have shrunk.

Are you sure you didn't get bigger?

Well, Leo is all fed and changed.

And I put his gold chain back on. Again.

It keeps disappearing.

I don't... That's so weird.

Hey, you want an omelet?

Okay, sure! Thanks.

Well, I wish I'd known that before I started making pancakes.

Oh, a trap. Mmm.

Great. Oh.

I'm gonna head into work. And again, thank you so much for taking care of Leo.

Okay, I'll see you tonight.

I'm making my famous rigatoni.

What if I brought home sushi tonight?

Ugh! No wonder your breast milk's been tasting so funny.

You've been tasting my breast milk?

Someone's gotta think about Leo.

One day it tasted like a Long Island Iced Tea.

Rigatoni it is! See you tonight, Annette. Bye!

Ahh!

Hey, don't bruise the prosciut.

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll

Hey, Morgan. Did you get a chance to set up

those nanny interviews that we talked about?

"Hi, Morgan. Good morning.

"Has your wound healed?"

Fine. Hello, Morgan.

Good morning. Has your wound healed?

That's actually a personal question.

What a waste of my time.

Annette is driving me crazy.

This morning she installed a crucifix in our shower

so that I wouldn't, quote, "get any ideas."

Ah, bathing stings my wound.

But, listen, I did. I got you some good candidates right here.

Here you go. Thank God.

I really need this whole working-mom thing figured out before Danny gets back.

If he gets back. I haven't heard from that guy in weeks.

He's coming back!

And I need to find a nanny so good with Leo that I can keep working.

Won't that make Annette mad?

She threw out a teddy bear because she thought it was a rival.

I think a 10-day cruise to Bermuda

for her and Dot is gonna soften the blow. Oh!

Hey. I think I know someone who'd be a great nanny for little Leo.

The elderly black woman that raised you?

Effie. No, she's with the angels now.

Sorry.

Anaheim Angels. Her grandson plays shortstop there,

so he moved her down.

Wow. Okay.

What about the nanny for my son?

Oh, she's great.

Loves the baby, costs next to nothing, and she's ethnic.

It's you.

You son of a bitch.

I cannot believe it. You are such a sexist, Jody.

Nobody raises babies better than kin.

Okay. No!

Ken, she can't have a male nanny, dude.

- She'll attack him. - That's not true.

He'd be into me, and I'd be like, "Get off!"

Oh, please.

And that's why thicker gauze,

while being more expensive by unit, ends up saving...

Saving us money. ...us money in the long-term.

Now, I know this is very exciting... Whit!

Hi. What are you doing here, my darling?

I wasn't expecting you for another 45 minutes or so.

Oh, they closed the stock market early.

Greece decided to not be a country.

They're just going to sell yogurt now. It's a mess.

Anyway, can we go to lunch now?

Um...

You know what? Why not? We can go to lunch.

I'm not doing anything important. Great.

What? You made me fly back from Vegas for this.

Come on, Jeremy.

You can't leave your big gauze meeting. Mmm-mmm.

He's right. I can wait.

Um. Uh, we're done talking about gauze, I think.

Colette, could you summarize the manual...

Hey! ...for everybody?

Thank you, this works so much better for my schedule.

Not a problem. Thank you, guys.

Okay. Bye, Whit.

Remember to talk about the gauze. Jeremy!

Jeremy! What was that?

What was that? He's been planning this gauze meeting for weeks.

He texted me last night at 3:00 a.m. "Tomorrow's G-Day."

Here's the deal, brother. When you're in love,

you do whatever the girl wants.

I have given a first date a kidney. On more than one occasion.

So no one else has a bad feeling about this woman?

No comment.

Don't mind me. Whistle, whistle, whistle.

Tamra, you seem like you know something.

No, I mind my own business.

Do I have information that's exciting and pertinent to this conversation?

Who's to say? Excuse me.

Tamra. Tamra!

Morgan, I'm ready for the nannies.

Hello.

We got our first candidate.

Hi. Welcome.

Thank you so much for considering me for...

Hey! Hey!

Gotta do it. I don't like that.

Gotta do it.

Thank you so much for considering me for your nanny position.

Whoa. That is a cool accent.

Can you say, "All aboard the Hogwarts Express"?

I'd rather not.

Hmm. But I think you'll find I have

all the necessary qualifications.

Wow, 20 years of childcare experience,

you know CPR, and you're bilingual?

Yeah, okay, how about this?

I'm so sorry.

So I can start immediately. Perfect.

My salary's 20,000.

Amazing. A month.

Get the hell out of here.

You scamming scumbag. I don't understand.

Who the hell do you think... Come on, come on!

What am I? Come on, come on. Right now.

Child is like mule.

It must be trained and broken.

Mmm-hmm.

I will raise your child like it was one of my own weasels.

Do you smell weed, Dr. L?

I do. Yeah.

I love the way babies smell.

I just got an Amber Alert on my phone.

Get him out of here. I'm going to walk you out.

Yeah. Call 911. Call 911.

Dr. L?

I found another girl for you, and I think you're gonna to love her,

and it's going to feel like you have known her forever.

Okay, Morgan, you're not just going to, like, come in here in a dress

and try to Mrs. Doubtfire me, are you?

Uh. No, I'm not.

Madame Tookery has canceled. I got another girl for you.

Please? Now is when you come in.

Clar-ah. Clara.

Hi. Hi.

You look normal. I think she looks weird.

Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?

Sure! I love children, especially babies.

I believe in using only non-toxic and organic products.

And I have a website where I sell handmade children's clothing.

Wow. That's cool.

I used to have an online business.

I sold my toenail clippings to a pervert in Idaho.

You kind of seem exactly what I'm looking for.

Well, there is one thing I have to warn you about.

Oh, boy, here it comes.

I love to bake.

So I hope you don't mind coming home to a counter full of pies and fresh bread.

That sounds wonderful.

I'll check your references, but you're hired.

Oh, that's so great!

- We'll discuss it. Yeah. - Good.

It was really nice to meet you.

You, too.

Good luck with your transition.

Thank you.

Bye. Oh.

Bye, Clara! Bye.

Bye! I don't know. I, I... Personally?

Bad vibe.

She's perfect! She's responsible. She's pretty.

She's too flat for Danny to like.

We did it.

Now I have to tell Annette.

Hey, you needed to talk to me?

Yes. It's a most urgent matter.

Okay. Please, do come in.

Take a seat.

May I offer you a refreshment?

Is this urgent or not?

No matter is so urgent that there isn't time for a little civility.

Okay. I believe it was Jefferson Davis who said...

Oh, my God. Every time you talk, it takes so long

that I literally die and turn into a skeleton.

So, please just tell me what's going on.

Right.

Tamra has brought something to my attention

of a most distressing nature, and, uh...

I can't. Tamra, go.

I saw Dr. Reed's girlfriend doing cocaine a few weeks ago.

Thank you, Tamra. You may go now.

Thank you. Okay.

My God. So what are we going to do?

Jeremy's like a little brother to me, and his girlfriend's a cokehead.

Doing cocaine once doesn't make someone a cokehead.

Don't jump to conclusions.

I hit a bicyclist once with my car.

Does it make me a murderer?

I have no idea. I drove off.

I can't help it.

I mean, we've known each other since before we were men.

He taught me to love medicine, and I taught him

how to stimulate the most sensitive part of a woman's anatomy.

I cannot hear about this. Using only his...

I'm so sorry. Before I was a working mom, I would have loved gossip like this.

Honestly, we would've talked about it for, like, three hours.

But I'm extremely busy.

So if you'll ex-squeeze me, I am going to go answer emails

while I eat a sandwich on the toilet.

What are you doing... Oh, okay.

Thank you.

Whitney, I'm sorry you find my laugh annoying

I'd rather love you than ever laugh again Ha! Ha!

Hey, Jody. Hi.

Did you hear my song?

It's annoying, isn't it? Oh, she's gonna hate it.

No, it was beautiful.

And it makes what I have to say to you all the more difficult.

Mmm. Oh, man.

Annette, this rigatoni is delicious.

It was supposed to be for both of us.

One pan of pasta for two people?

I'm sorry about eating all of the pasta,

but I actually had something I wanted to talk to you about.

Danny found a new woman in California?

No! Danny and I had sex on video-chat last night.

He's probably still cleaning the screen.

The news is, I found a nanny for Leo.

And, and just to say thank you for all that you've done,

I actually bought you two tickets on a cruise!

For you and Dot! Here.

The brochure said they just remodeled it after a pirate attack,

so I thought that was cool.

Thank you. Yeah.

That's very nice.

You're not mad or anything, are you?

Oh, absolutely not.

Who wants their mother-in-law hanging around all the time?

Oh, no, it's not that. No, no, stop.

Enough said. We're all good. Okay.

Me and the Franks will just get out of your hair.

Bye.

See ya!

We've read three books, then he had a nap,

then I introduced him to the music of Peru.

Oh, that's amazing.

Bye, Clara.

Bye, Mommy!

Bye, Leo!

Oh, thank God, my lunch is here.

Mindy Lahiri? Yeah?

You're being served.

I am not being served, because this is not my three orders of Penang curry,

triple cream, no veg. This is just some envelope.

Your mother-in-law is suing you for slave labor.

Ex-squeeze me?

Allow me to formally introduce myself.

I'm Don Castellano, esquire.

"Castellano" as in attorney? Where'd you get your degree,

Cannoli State?

Oh!

I told you she was rude, Donny.

Are you absolutely positive you don't want any legal counsel here with you?

Lawyers are for guilty people, like thieves and Edward Snowden.

I have done nothing wrong.

I did just fart.

Ma'am, this is a small room.

I know. I'm, I'm sorry.

Come on.

Okay.

According to Annette, she's worked close to 100 hours for you,

without any pay.

That, my friend, constitutes slavery.

According to this print-out from my law book CD-ROM.

Okay. Well, let me present this to the jury.

Exhibit A. This old lady.

She's the grandma! I ain't paying her.

By the way, my little mudblood son is the only reason she wakes up every morning.

I object, Your Honor. That is not true!

I have my walking group, the Staten Island Strutters.

I can't.

When I worked, my boys were always with family.

Did your family invade your personal space and slut-shame your underwear drawer?

We didn't have personal space.

I gave Danny his bath until he was 18.

Oh, my God! We all did.

What is wrong with you people?

You know what? I gotta go back to work. Just send me the bill.

Okay, it's gonna include my legal fees, too.

Whatever. Fine!

But I hope you're okay with your baby not having a grandmother.

Or a grandmother's friend.

I did it. I had it out with Whitney about her drug use. It's over.

Ah! Jeremy, that is wonderful news.

Right, the relationship isn't over, just the difficult conversation.

No, Whitney and I are perfect.

Uh, come again?

Well, I told her in very strict terms

that I was concerned about her cocaine use,

and she promised she would keep an eye on it.

- That's it? - She's gonna, "Keep an eye on it"?

Jeremy, are you sure you're not just being manipulated by a woman again?

I mean, you paid for your ex-girlfriend's wedding.

I didn't pay for the wedding, did I? I paid for her dress and his ring.

If anything, I'm manipulating Whitney.

By showing her how supportive I am, so she'll never leave me.

High-fives!

Boom, boom.

Off to get her dry cleaning. See ya later.

Colette, I may have to take matters into my own hands.

You know what, everybody?

Grandmothers are overrated.

Excuse me!

We were talking about something.

The cast shake-ups at The View.

I had no opinion.

Well, you know what? People are always bagging on millennials

and saying how great the elderly are.

But they're not.

They can't drive, they give terrible award-show speeches,

and they ruin Facebook.

Okay, let me say something. As the founder of the very poorly attended Grandma-Con,

I'm not just gonna sit here and listen to you rip on grandmas like that.

You know, I am so happy that I have found a cool, fresh-faced young woman

to take care of my son.

Because he deserves a cool, young nanny

who has never had a landline,

and who only knows the Chris Pratt version of Jurassic Park.

How dare you, Dr. L.

I was raised by my grandmother, and I turned out great.

Oh, God! My wound!

I'd love to help you, Morgan, but we never got to the end of that gauze seminar.

Oh, God! What did the nanny do?

What's wrong? More cast shake-ups on The View?

My nanny just made my son the poster child for the anti-vaccination movement.

Oh.

Oh, no! Got a positive comment from @TVWritersWife.

I gotta go, guys.

Excuse me, may I trouble you for a moment of your time?

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm Jeremy's friend.

I think it would be best if your relationship found a natural point of termination.

Are you kidding me? He's the best boyfriend I've ever had.

After he cooks me dinner, he gives me a comment card about how he can improve.

Very well, I may need to argue in the language of the city.

You want to pay me to break up with him?

Hmm? What are you, the dad in a Nicholas Sparks movie?

All right, enough. Who do I make the check out to? You or Pablo Escobar?

Oh, is that what this is about?

Listen, I only do coke to have fun after work. And to work.

Listen you, you're going to stay away from my friend.

He doesn't need some hard-living New York City siren

manipulating him with her big, molasses-brown eyes.

Oh, really? And he's going to listen to you?

Some inbred Civil War general who smells like the woods after a storm?

You are out of control. And you like it.

Oh, my God, I do.

Clara! What the hell?

Why would you think it was okay to take a photo of my son

in an anti-vaccination onesie?

But I thought you said you wanted him to be famous.

Yeah, of course I do.

But if you want him to model, you gotta go through his talent agent,

who I don't have, because no one will accept us as a package.

Also, he is vaccinated!

What? Why?

Vaccines are just toxins pumped into our children by Big Pharma.

No! You know what Big Pharma did?

They got rid of Big mumps and Big polio.

Yeah, but no one even gets those anymore.

Because of vaccines!

Clara, you gotta go.

Which makes me sad, because you were a good nanny

and, frankly, I thought we would be great friends.

I would never be friends with you.

You're an old lady like Britney Spears.

How dare you?

Wait, where are you going?

You just fired me.

Yeah, but I meant, like, fired in a couple of hours, when I come back from work.

Oh, no!

Who's gonna watch Leo now?

Leo, that was so good.

No one's onto us.

You are such a good actor.

I never thought your first role would be an all-in-one machine.

I know.

This is the hot pipe room, and this shall be your daycare.

I'm sorry, but I'm not supposed to bring my baby into work.

A baby monitor here for you.

I'll take this one.

I'm right next door. I'll be back in two minutes to check on you.

If you need anything, call me.

I love you. Bye.

Ah, there you are.

We need to talk. Okay

I've been looking all over for you.

Hey, hey. Quit grabbing at me.

It's just, I find myself in a bit of a pickle.

Hmm.

I went to convince Whitney to break up with Jeremy,

and I ended up... Laying with her.

You slept with Whitney?

Are you out of your mind? You're Jeremy's best friend.

You guys were gonna perform Lady Marmalade at the hospital talent show!

I know, I know what I did was bad, but their relationship is wrong.

Maybe, in a way, this is what had to happen.

Maybe, in a way, I'm a hero.

That sucked. That logic is bad, and you know it.

Okay, you have to go tell him.

I know, I'll just, I'll just move away. I'll make new friends.

I'll sleep with their girlfriends.

Oh! See? There I go again.

Oh, my God!

You are the worst person.

You are so selfish.

You just have no concept of what anyone else goes through...

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of your baby

gurgling in a box on the floor.

Okay, okay. That's enough.

Thomas Jefferson owned slaves, all right?

Sometimes cool people make mistakes.

Hi, sweetheart.

All right, I have a delivery.

I don't know what to do.

Such a bad idea. I'm such a bad mother.

No, take it easy now.

You're doing an admirable job.

Why don't you let me watch the little fella while you're at the hospital?

Can I trust you?

I'm great with kids.

My Uncle Randy got kicked in the head by a mule.

He had the brain of an infant.

I took care of him for years,

and now he's a Mississippi state senator.

Okay. It's just for an hour.

I would really appreciate that. Sure. Absolutely.

Thanks, Jody. Sure.

Hello.

Hello, little box baby.

You might be a big help to your Uncle Jody.

Hi, Jody. Hi.

Is that Leo? Yeah.

Where's Mindy?

Did she get lost following the scent of an apple pie again?

Oh, no, I'm just babysitting.

Oh, okay.

Jeremy, you wouldn't... You wouldn't hit a man carrying a baby, would you?

Of course not. Why?

I slept with Whitney in her office.

What?

Jody, put that baby down so I can strike you.

No, I won't, I won't.

Put him down. Damn it! I won't.

We were friends, Jody!

Look, I'm sorry.

But I'm glad I did it.

Any woman who'd sleep with a scoundrel like me doesn't deserve you.

You deserve someone who's going to treat you right.

And even if you don't think you do, I know you do.

And I'm gonna keep on sleeping with your girlfriends until you realize it.

Shh!

Now, if you still feel like you'll feel better...

Oh, God almighty!

Thank you, Jody. I do feel better.

Actually, can I hit you again?

Nope, nope. I... I'd prefer if you didn't.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should find a woman I deserve.

Quiet. A plain, simple girl.

Maybe someone who's gone mute since she witnessed a crime.

No, uh, I tell you what,

I am going to make it my mission

to find you a lady who's good enough for you.

If you do, don't sleep with her.

I swear on our friendship, I will try not to.

Okay.

God, you smell of her.

Apologies.

Well, Leo. I am sorry.

I definitely did not live up to my Mother of the Year beer koozy today.

But don't worry. As my punishment,

there is no food left in the house for my dinner.

Whoa, Leo.

There's still one of your grandmother's rigatonis left in the fridge.

Dear Mindy.

This is eight servings of pasta.

Can you make this one last two days, for God's sake?

That's pretty rude.

Dear Leo. Sleep tight, my little angel.

And be nice to your ma, she works hard.

Love, Grandma.

Annette, I can hear the Cash for Gold commercial. Open up.

I'd open the door, but I don't want to invade your personal space.

Okay. Ooh, good burn.

You know what, Dot? It wasn't that good of a burn.

But I did deserve that.

Annette, please forgive me. All right?

I'm sorry I took you for granted, but Leo needs you.

Okay. Well.

Of course he does. I'm his grandma.

But some words can't be taken back.

I know. I know. I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't have called you Grandmonster,

and Annette Not-Fun-icello, and Annetti Spaghetti.

You called me those things?

No. Never.

I've heard other people say them, but I've always defended you.

Look, there was a reason why I fell in love

with a hyper-religious, supremely Italian little weirdo.

Hey, 'cause I need that in my life.

You better be talking about Danny.

Yeah, I am talking about Danny, Dot,

but I'm also talking about you.

Look, when you come and take care of Leo,

you're not just taking care of him.

You're taking care of me.

And I can't do this by myself. I need your help.

Please come back.

Okay, I'll come back.

But just for Leo.

No, and for me. Because you love me.

No, I only love five people.

Danny, Richie, Leo, Dot,

and the handsome one from Suits.

And me. You love me. No.

You do. And you're going to hug me now. No, I'm not.

What are you doing? No, let go.

Just stop it. Get your paws off me.

She does not love you!

Yeah, you love me. This is assault!

Okay, okay. I love you.

Just go put that baby to bed, all right?

Go home. I'll see you later, you idiot.

Okay. You're obsessed with me.

And you're going to be thinking about that hug later.

Go soak your head! I guarantee it.

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll