Original subtitles

Honey, what are you doing?

I had to say goodbye to the little guy.

You think he's going to be all right without me?

Yes.

Did you memorize the Our Father, so you can say it to him every night?

Danny, I know it perfectly.

Our Father, who art in heaven, Halloween thy name.

Maybe I shouldn't go.

Danny, it's gonna be fine.

You know why? Why?

Because I made this Danny mobile to put over his crib.

Pretty cute, huh?

I have one for myself, but it's just pictures of your wiener.

Okay, babe. I'll be back as soon as I can.

I just gotta get my dad settled in with an in-home nurse.

It's okay. I can be a single mom for a while.

That's the lie I tell anyway to get out of jury duty.

Leave it to my dad to screw up my life again.

I'm gonna miss Leo's first haircut.

I wanted to be there to show him where Vito hides the Playboys.

Babe, you have to let go of this resentment of your father. All right?

It's not good for you.

Did you learn nothing from my Dr. Phil calendar?

Yeah, I learned that you still don't know when my birthday is.

I know when your birthday is.

It's around the VMAs.

Close enough. Get over here.

I'm really gonna miss you.

No, not me.

I'm excited to get you out of my hair. I got a lot of stuff to do.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

I can think of stuff to do.

Mmm. You got room for a third tongue?

Remind me again why Morgan has to come?

Okay, you're the one who didn't want to fly.

It is not safe to drive across the country by yourself.

Everyone's got guns.

And they're all fat from fried food. Maybe I should go.

Hey, we are gonna have the best time.

And some of my new medications,

I need someone to really shove it up there.

Come on.

All right. See? Now, come on.

Don't worry. Go. Get out of here.

Give me one more. Okay.

I love you. I love you.

Okay. Hey, hurry up!

The strip club opens soon.

What? All right, just keep going.

There's no strip club.

All right, we're in New Jersey...

I'm gonna stay off the main roads.

If the state troopers see my New York plate,

I might get the old Hoboken hello.

Bunch of scumbags.

Well, I am your navigator,

because I have an internal compass.

Literally. When I was six, I swallowed a compass.

Missed all of first grade.

Those look a lot like my glasses.

What, these glasses?

Yeah, the ones you have on right now.

No, I think we might have gotten them at the same time.

Eh, it doesn't matter. We both have them. They're both great.

"New York, New Jersey... Co-netty-cut"?

Whoa, can't read while I'm driving. I get a little sick.

Oh, God. You okay?

You know what? I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna rest my eyes for a minute until the feeling passes.

No, no, no, that's good. You should.

I'm gonna let it pass. Yeah, just close your eyes.

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll

Oh, my God!

Are we here?

Is this California?

Oh, it's the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Looks smaller.

No, we're still in New Jersey.

But this is where you gotta get out. What are you talking about?

Look, I'm going to drop you at this motel.

You're going to stay here for a week, and don't tell Mindy you didn't come with me.

Well, I mean, if it's all the same to you,

I'm just going to go to California with you on a road trip.

Okay. Listen, buddy. I gotta

take a slight detour for personal reasons,

and I gotta do it by myself, so I'll see you later.

You son of a bitch.

You're having an affair?

Ugh. You think she can just lose the baby weight like that?

We're in the middle of pie season, Jack.

Morgan, I'm not having an affair.

Now here's $500 and get out.

No. Take it.

What are you up to?

I said take it. What are you up to?

Okay, I'll tell you what I'm up to, okay?

What are you doing? Okay, that's it.

Dr. C? Where are you going?

You look real mad.

What are you doing? Getting you out. Get out.

No, get away. Get out.

Hey, you get away! Ow!

Get away! Huh? Ahh!

Stop spanking me! Stop!

Okay, I think we've both had time to cool off,

and I think I have just the thing to turn this party right-side up.

Da, da, da, da!

Frommer's 101 Best Celebrity Pet Graves in America.

Look at this right here. Eddie from Frasier? Remember him?

His grave is in Catoosa, Oklahoma.

Do you know David Hyde Pierce called him, quote,

"The greatest actor I've ever worked with"?

Okay, we're not doing any of that.

We're only stopping for food and sleep.

Well, listen, Jack.

You can choose to be angry that I'm along on your little secret mission,

or you can tell me what's going on.

Come on! What are the chances I tell Dr. L?

Sixty, seventy percent, tops.

Mid-80s.

I don't know, I probably would...

Music cannot quell my curiosity.

Please tell me your secret! Morgan, I'm warning you.

If you keep asking me, you're not going to like it.

No, no, no, no, I can help you.

Please?

Come on.

Hello?

Are you giving me the silent treatment?

Okay, so the silent treatment doesn't work.

Grandmother gave me the silent treatment.

She didn't talk to me for eight months.

I never stopped talking.

Turns out she had a pretty severe stroke.

Well, I've decided because of the way you're treating me,

I'm not going to share my delicious soft pretzel with you

that I'm about to buy in that store.

So...

Can I please borrow $2 for a soft pretzel, please?

Dr. C? Please?

I hate the silent treatment. The truth is, this is agony.

Real classy.

Get a pretzel for yourself and don't share it.

No! What? Why would you do that?

Come on, man!

Goddamn one-percenter.

Well, it's a new day, and I don't even want to hear your secret.

Someone told me it's not even a good secret.

So I'm just going to sit here and read my book.

And I know earlier I said

sometimes I get nauseous when I read in the car,

but I don't think that's going to be a...

Ohh!

Dr. C, I threw up also back here.

But I did it quiet.

I can't take any more of this silent treatment.

It's going to do permanent psychological harm.

Uh...

You sadistic son of a bitch.

I hope while we're on this trip,

Dr. L meets another doctor, with a giant penis,

and Leo calls him "Daddy."

Oh, you didn't like that?

Do you want to say something?

'Cause I'm picturing your fiancé getting plowed by some

Protestant radiologist with a huge wiener.

And then when he's done with her,

he's going to take Leo to a Red Sox game.

Stop. Eyes on the road. Stop, stop! Ow. Ow.

Dear God, please take care of Mindy, baby Leo.

Ma, Little Danny, Richie, and whoever Richie's dating.

And that's it, no one else.

Dear sweet Jesus Christ,

if Dr. C keeps this up, I'd ask that you kill me.

'Cause I can't take it anymore.

Also, I hope you help him in his secret little mission.

I know it's really weighing on him, whatever it is.

I want to help him, but he won't tell me, so.

And please don't let Grandmother fall out of the Stair Genie again.

I... I can't.

She should only use it to go up and down.

She shouldn't sit in it recreationally.

Hey, Morgan? Oh, God!

Oh, my God. Okay. Stop.

Look, I'm ready to start talking.

Thank you so much. My prayers have been answered.

Look, I'm sorry about before.

I just want to say, the reason I didn't want you to come on the trip

is because I've been really emotional about my dad,

and... I didn't want you to see me cry.

I get it.

Okay. Look, I thought...

I thought maybe to make it up to you

we could take a slight detour.

Are we in Catoosa, Oklahoma?

We sure are, pal.

Eddie! Eddie!

There it is. Eddie from Frasier's grave.

My book says this is the Holy Grail of celebrity pet monuments.

Yeah. Yeah, you told me several times.

"Eating tossed salad and scrambled eggs in heaven."

What the hell does that even mean?

We'll never know, but...

It's the theme song.

From Frasier, the show he's on?

I never saw it.

You know what I liked?

Hunter. You ever see Hunter?

Hey, you know, why don't you, uh...

Why don't you get in there with Eddie,

and I'll take a picture of both of you guys?

Would you like that?

Mmm-hmm. Okay, get in there.

Let's, uh... Let's get a bunch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go nice and wide, that's good.

Okay, smile. Oh, that's great. We got it right there.

We got it.

Wait, Dr. C? Dr. C?

I'll be back in a couple hours!

You lied to me! You're going on your secret mission!

Sorry!

Of all the times I have been abandoned

at a celebrity pet grave, this is the most hurtful!

Dr. C! Wait!

Are you kidding me?

Morgan, what the hell are you doing here?

What is going on?

Who's in that house? Are you gay? Are you attracted to me?

Why not? Okay, look, I lied.

I do have a secret.

And now I have to make it right.

- What? - Dad? Is that you?

Hey.

Uh... Hey. Hey.

Wow. Uh...

Eric, it's nice to see you... Or to meet you, I guess.

Yeah, you too.

Introduce me.

This is Morgan, my co-worker. "Co-worker"?

I wish you didn't introduce me at all.

Didn't want to. Didn't want you to come.

Anyway,

this is Eric who, it's looking like,

is a product of my wilder days.

Uh-huh.

Eric, give us one sec, okay?

You son of a bitch.

You had a secret family the whole time,

and you never once told them about me?

Is your name even Dr. C?

No, I didn't have a secret family.

Eric only emailed me a month ago.

I didn't want to tell anybody until I knew it was real,

in case I was being catfished.

I heard that.

Told you about when I went to Montreal, right?

Yeah, and you were severely beaten

by a man that you thought was a female prostitute. Female prostitute.

Okay, we'll talk about it later. It really embarrassed me.

Anyway, I figured we'd stop here on the way and sort things out.

Eric, how'd you find me anyway?

Yeah, well, I asked my mom for years who my dad was.

And then finally she told me that she met a...

A handsome, young med student

named Dan at a Billy Joel concert in 1999.

Evelyn.

She was the only other person in the crowd

that knew all the words to We Didn't Start the Fire.

I just can't believe you're here, Dad.

Oh, wow! Whoa. Easy.

Eric, honey, your friends are too early for the party.

I've gotta get the pizza at the gas station... Oh, my God!

Dan, is that you?

Evelyn? Hi.

You haven't changed.

What did you do, Eric?

Eric, uh... You wanna talk?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Let's go out back.

All right. Uh...

Oh, hey, you got a swing. Yeah.

You want me to give you a push?

No, no, uh... Maybe later.

So you got a birthday coming up?

Yeah, next week.

But I convinced Mom to let me have the party today because

I knew you were coming.

I just wanted my friends to see that I had a dad.

Especially Tyler.

He's got two dads.

Yeah, I know where you're coming from. I mean, my dad...

He wasn't around much. Oh.

But I need you to know, the only reason I wasn't here

is because I didn't know about you.

Thanks. That means a lot.

But, hell, we could start right now.

Uh... Anything I could do? Anything you need?

Yeah, I just need for you to move to Oklahoma and marry my mom.

Well, I'm so glad you guys could make it out here.

It's been a great place to raise Eric.

You know, everyone owns a gun here, so there's no crime.

It's just accidents and suicides. Wow.

Speaking of accidents, uh...

Eric seems like a real winner.

Oh, yeah. I just can't believe he's 16.

He's growing like a weed.

Yeah, he is really tall.

Oh, he's the tallest one in his grade.

At the fair he got a blue ribbon for reaching things.

It's kind of a boring town.

That's really curious.

Eric doesn't seem to take after you or Dr. C.

Tall. Blue eyes. Oh.

Oh, no.

I just have bad posture now.

But I was just as tall as him when I was growing up.

Hmm.

And that's our angel, Leo.

Hmm. Seems like the perfect little family.

Yeah.

I'm really lucky.

Oh, God. She has her pants off in that one.

So what's my brother like?

He's got a much better name than stupid "Eric."

What? Eric's a great name! It's not stupid.

I know a lot of great Erics. Okay. Name one.

Eric Stoltz.

Okay? He was almost in Back to the Future.

Michael J. Fox replaced him, like, two weeks into filming.

Yeah, you're right. Look.

If I'd been there, I would've named you something cool, like Lionel.

"Lionel"? Yeah.

Ah, that's such a great name.

Why are you even here?

To brag about your awesome life, and then just go back to New York?

No, no, no, I wanted to meet you.

I was passing through to go to California.

You know, my... My dad had a heart attack.

Grandpa had a heart attack?

You didn't even know him.

Well... Look, I don't want to go. I mean...

He wasn't a great dad.

Neither were you, you dick!

These are beautiful family photos.

Interesting. He's got brown eyes,

and she's got brown eyes. And this old man?

Brown eyes.

You know, I think Eric got his blue eyes

from somebody on Danny's side of the family.

Huh. Yeah. Probably.

There's just one little problem with your theory there, lady.

It's garbage.

What? Why? Yeah.

Because that man's fiancé had me dig through his genealogy

to find out if there was any chance that she could have blue-eyed children.

And I still have the scratch marks

from where I told her it was impossible.

You're busted! Okay, I admit it!

Danny is not Eric's dad.

Eric's real dad is a big jerk,

and he wanted nothing to do with us.

Okay. Got it. Go outside and tell them the truth right now.

That's gonna crush Eric.

It's his 16th birthday,

and I don't have enough money to get him a car

or even get him a name-brand cake.

"Spider Hero"?

Okay. Don't care.

You need to get out there and make it right, mama.

Can we please just wait until after the party?

He's just so happy to have Danny here.

Please?

Yeah, I guess so.

I mean, they do seem to be getting along.

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Hey, get off him, kid!

Pick on someone your own size!

Come on. Oh! No, no, no, no! Let him go!

Get him off!

Okay, let him hit me if he wants to hit me, okay? No!

Yes! Castellano men express their feelings through fighting or dancing.

It's either the fist or the foot.

Except he's not a Castellano.

What?

Stop it, you knew already.

I just found out.

Eric...

Danny is not your dad.

What... What?

He's not?

Well... Then why'd you tell me he was?

Because Danny is smart and he's educated,

and I just wanted you to think that you came from something good.

Well, great!

Thanks for ruining my birthday, Mom.

Oh, if my friends ask for me,

just tell them I'm up in my room looking up how to do drugs!

I'm sorry I lied.

I had no idea that he would reach out to you.

Okay, I'm out of here. No, no.

Why did you have to be so perceptive?

It's just my way.

Ugh. Eric!

Come back, honey.

I'm sorry.

Unbelievable!

I don't know what's worse about Castellano men.

How gullible we are, or that we hate the feeling of condoms.

Just wait. Listen to me. I am just as mad as you are, okay?

But ask yourself this.

What is the best revenge?

Helping the people who lied to us.

Why the hell would I do that?

Okay, all I know, man, is this kid Eric,

he planned this whole birthday around meeting his dad.

He's gonna be so embarrassed. All right, I... I got my own problems, okay?

Everyone's got problems, okay!

I got a bad back, back hair,

bacne, other stuff with my back.

My front is a mess.

The point is, I'm staying.

Great!

I've been trying to get rid of you the whole trip.

You know what? I only came along with you so we could bond.

You know, before Leo was in the picture, you and I would make plans.

And yes, you would always cancel them, but now...

You don't even make them.

This was supposed to be our Thelma & Louise.

They died at the end of that movie.

Exactly.

Dr. C?

See, I know you're starting the car, but you're not going to drive away.

- Hey, sweetheart. - Hey, babe!

How's the road trip?

Being in the Midwest make you realize how skinny I am?

Uh, it's, uh... It's... It's going good.

We're in Oklahoma.

Oklahoma?

Did you see Eddie from Frasier's grave? I hear it's amazing.

Uh... How... How's Leo doing?

Is that him crying? Put him on.

Ah, I was hoping you'd say that.

All right, you're on speaker.

Hey, Leo.

I hear you're giving your ma a hard time.

Look, I get it.

If I was cooped up with her all day, I'd be crying, too.

Huh? What are you saying to him?

Listen, buddy.

I love you, okay?

Come on. Stop crying. It's okay.

I can't wait to see you again.

I'm going to be home soon.

See? It's going to be okay.

Now do me a favor. Be good for your ma.

Oh, my God. Danny, it worked! You're like a hypnotist.

I just told him I loved him.

See that, Leo?

Aren't you lucky to have such a great dad?

Oh. Honey?

There's a commercial on that I love

and I don't want to press pause, okay?

I love you. Bye!

Cheer up, sweetie.

I got the pop from the fancy dollar store.

Can't you try to enjoy your birthday?

Enjoy what?

No dad.

Of course Tyler brought his dads.

Oh, honey, we're just as good as them.

Eric? Son?

It's me, your father.

I'm back from the golf club, and I'm ready to meet your friends.

Ow! Don't look at me.

Keep partying.

Oh, this is so embarrassing.

Oh, God! Dude, is that really your dad?

Leave me alone. I'm his dad.

No.

I'm his dad.

Now, I know this

might seem a little weird but, um...

I'm really glad to be here to celebrate Eric's birthday.

I can't take the credit, but Eric is a great kid.

He's smart, resourceful.

Got a hell of a left hook.

We all should be lucky to know him.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

Dr. C, I think I broke my neck.

You didn't break your neck. I can see your toes moving.

They are?

This was fun.

You know, it's been a while since I sat with some teens and talked about Christ.

Oh, that part was weird.

Look, Eric.

I meant everything I said in there. You're a great kid.

And when you think about your dad, I want you to remember this.

Resentment is when you take the poison, and you hope the other guy gets sick.

That's good. Thanks. All right.

Thank you. Beautiful. He's smart.

That was amazing. Yeah.

I got it from the Dr. Phil calendar. No way!

Thanks again, Danny.

And I hope you patch things up with your dad.

Thanks.

Hey, I never gave you a birthday present.

What've you got?

Is that, like, a leftover gift card?

Why don't you take these?

What? Whoa, wait.

Hey, really? A car? No.

Yeah. And if you get a hot date,

there's plenty of room in the backseat.

Now you're lucky you're not a Castellano

'cause as your mom will tell you, we don't like to wear...

Uh, okay, Dan. We... We get it.

Happy birthday, kid.

Happy birthday. But that's not the gift.

That's not... Hey! Time out! Um...

How are we supposed to get to California?

We'll take a bus. It's not that far.

It's 34 hours away, dude!

I wanted to do something nice for the kid.

You don't even know him, man.

Okay, I... I wait hand-and-foot on you,

and you gave me a free T-shirt from your bank for my birthday.

No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

I... I'm... I'm incredulous. I'm incredulous.

Look. The bus driver gave me this to give to you.

He wants to make you an honorary captain.

Look, I know you're bummed about the car.

We could've been in a climate-controlled car.

We could've listened to Howard Stern.

Yeah, but helping out Eric and staying for the party,

that was the right thing to do. So thank you.

I'm really glad you went on this trip with me.

You know, you tried to ditch me, like, three or four times?

Yeah, I know. Hurt my feelings.

I'm sorry. Can you promise me right now you'll never do it again?

I might do it again. I know.

You know, I was thinking about my dad.

I mean, my dad's around, you know?

I gotta work out my stuff with him.

I just... I can't go there

and just get him a nurse and split.

I mean, who knows?

This might be my last chance.

That's nice.

I almost forgot to show you this.

I did get a picture of you and Eddie at the grave.

It's the best photo of me anyone's ever taken.

I look stunning.

You do.

I look like a young Andre the Giant.

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll