All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S04E06 - Road Trip (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda).eng

Honey,
what are you doing?

I had to say goodbye
to the little guy.

You think
he's going to be
all right without me?

Yes.

Did you memorize
the Our Father, so you can
say it to him every night?

Danny, I know it perfectly.

Our Father,
who art in heaven,
Halloween thy name.

Maybe I shouldn't go.

Danny, it's gonna be fine.

You know why?
Why?

Because I made
this Danny mobile
to put over his crib.

Pretty cute, huh?

I have one for myself,
but it's just pictures
of your wiener.

Okay, babe.
I'll be back
as soon as I can.

I just gotta get
my dad settled in
with an in-home nurse.

It's okay. I can be
a single mom for a while.

That's the lie I tell anyway
to get out of jury duty.

Leave it to
my dad to screw up
my life again.

I'm gonna miss
Leo's first haircut.

I wanted to be there
to show him where
Vito hides the Playboys.

Babe, you have to
let go of this resentment
of your father. All right?

It's not good for you.

Did you learn nothing
from my Dr. Phil calendar?

Yeah, I learned that
you still don't know
when my birthday is.

I know when
your birthday is.

It's around the VMAs.

Close enough.
Get over here.

I'm really
gonna miss you.

No, not me.

I'm excited to
get you out of my hair.
I got a lot of stuff to do.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

I can think
of stuff to do.

Mmm.
You got room
for a third tongue?

Remind me again
why Morgan has to come?

Okay, you're the one
who didn't want to fly.

It is not safe
to drive across
the country by yourself.

Everyone's got guns.

And they're all fat
from fried food.
Maybe I should go.

Hey, we are gonna
have the best time.

And some of my
new medications,

I need someone to
really shove it up there.

Come on.

All right.
See? Now, come on.

Don't worry. Go.
Get out of here.

Give me one more.
Okay.

I love you.
I love you.

Okay.
Hey, hurry up!

The strip club
opens soon.

What?
All right,
just keep going.

There's no strip club.

All right,
we're in New Jersey...

I'm gonna stay off
the main roads.

If the state troopers
see my New York plate,

I might get
the old Hoboken hello.

Bunch of scumbags.

Well, I am your navigator,

because I have
an internal compass.

Literally. When I was six,
I swallowed a compass.

Missed all
of first grade.

Those look a lot
like my glasses.

What, these glasses?

Yeah, the ones
you have on right now.

No, I think we might have
gotten them at the same time.

Eh, it doesn't matter.
We both have them.
They're both great.

"New York, New Jersey...
Co-netty-cut"?

Whoa, can't read
while I'm driving.
I get a little sick.

Oh, God.
You okay?

You know what?
I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna
rest my eyes for a minute
until the feeling passes.

No, no, no, that's good.
You should.

I'm gonna let it pass.
Yeah, just close your eyes.

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll

Oh, my God!

Are we here?

Is this California?

Oh, it's the
Beverly Hills Hotel.

Looks smaller.

No, we're still
in New Jersey.

But this is where
you gotta get out.
What are you talking about?

Look, I'm going to
drop you at this motel.

You're going to stay here
for a week, and don't tell
Mindy you didn't come with me.

Well, I mean,
if it's all the same to you,

I'm just going
to go to California
with you on a road trip.

Okay. Listen, buddy.
I gotta

take a slight detour
for personal reasons,

and I gotta do it by myself,
so I'll see you later.

You son of a bitch.

You're having an affair?

Ugh.
You think she can just lose
the baby weight like that?

We're in the middle
of pie season, Jack.

Morgan, I'm not
having an affair.

Now here's $500
and get out.

No.
Take it.

What are you up to?

I said take it.
What are you up to?

Okay, I'll tell you
what I'm up to, okay?

What are you doing?
Okay, that's it.

Dr. C?
Where are you going?

You look real mad.

What are you doing?
Getting you out. Get out.

No, get away.
Get out.

Hey, you get away!
Ow!

Get away! Huh?
Ahh!

Stop spanking me! Stop!

Okay, I think
we've both had
time to cool off,

and I think I have
just the thing to turn
this party right-side up.

Da, da, da, da!

Frommer's 101 Best
Celebrity Pet Graves
in America.

Look at this right here.
Eddie from Frasier?
Remember him?

His grave is in
Catoosa, Oklahoma.

Do you know David Hyde Pierce
called him, quote,

"The greatest actor
I've ever worked with"?

Okay, we're not
doing any of that.

We're only stopping
for food and sleep.

Well, listen, Jack.

You can choose to be
angry that I'm along
on your little secret mission,

or you can tell me
what's going on.

Come on! What are
the chances I tell Dr. L?

Sixty, seventy percent, tops.

Mid-80s.

I don't know,
I probably would...

Music cannot
quell my curiosity.

Please tell me your secret!
Morgan,
I'm warning you.

If you keep asking me,
you're not going to like it.

No, no, no, no,
I can help you.

Please?

Come on.

Hello?

Are you giving me
the silent treatment?

Okay, so the silent
treatment doesn't work.

Grandmother gave me
the silent treatment.

She didn't talk to me
for eight months.

I never stopped talking.

Turns out she had
a pretty severe stroke.

Well, I've decided because of
the way you're treating me,

I'm not going
to share my delicious
soft pretzel with you

that I'm about
to buy in that store.

So...

Can I please borrow
$2 for a soft pretzel, please?

Dr. C? Please?

I hate the silent treatment.
The truth is, this is agony.

Real classy.

Get a pretzel
for yourself
and don't share it.

No! What?
Why would you do that?

Come on, man!

Goddamn one-percenter.

Well, it's a new day,
and I don't even want
to hear your secret.

Someone told me
it's not even a good secret.

So I'm just going to sit here
and read my book.

And I know earlier I said

sometimes I get nauseous
when I read in the car,

but I don't think
that's going to be a...

Ohh!

Dr. C, I threw up
also back here.

But I did it quiet.

I can't take any more
of this silent treatment.

It's going to do
permanent psychological harm.

Uh...

You sadistic
son of a bitch.

I hope while
we're on this trip,

Dr. L meets another doctor,
with a giant penis,

and Leo calls him "Daddy."

Oh, you didn't like that?

Do you want to
say something?

'Cause I'm picturing
your fiancé getting
plowed by some

Protestant radiologist
with a huge wiener.

And then when
he's done with her,

he's going to take Leo
to a Red Sox game.

Stop.
Eyes on the road.
Stop, stop! Ow. Ow.

Dear God,
please take care
of Mindy, baby Leo.

Ma, Little Danny,
Richie, and whoever
Richie's dating.

And that's it,
no one else.

Dear sweet Jesus Christ,

if Dr. C keeps this up,
I'd ask that you kill me.

'Cause I can't
take it anymore.

Also, I hope you help him
in his secret little mission.

I know it's really
weighing on him,
whatever it is.

I want to help him,
but he won't tell me, so.

And please don't let
Grandmother fall out
of the Stair Genie again.

I... I can't.

She should only
use it to go up and down.

She shouldn't
sit in it recreationally.

Hey, Morgan?
Oh, God!

Oh, my God.
Okay. Stop.

Look, I'm ready
to start talking.

Thank you so much.
My prayers have been answered.

Look, I'm sorry
about before.

I just want to say,
the reason I didn't want
you to come on the trip

is because I've been really
emotional about my dad,

and... I didn't want you
to see me cry.

I get it.

Okay. Look, I thought...

I thought maybe
to make it up to you

we could take
a slight detour.

Are we in
Catoosa, Oklahoma?

We sure are, pal.

Eddie!
Eddie!

There it is.
Eddie from Frasier's grave.

My book says this
is the Holy Grail
of celebrity pet monuments.

Yeah. Yeah,
you told me several times.

"Eating tossed salad
and scrambled eggs in heaven."

What the hell
does that even mean?

We'll never know, but...

It's the theme song.

From Frasier,
the show he's on?

I never saw it.

You know what I liked?

Hunter.
You ever see Hunter?

Hey, you know,
why don't you, uh...

Why don't you
get in there with Eddie,

and I'll take a picture
of both of you guys?

Would you like that?

Mmm-hmm.
Okay, get in there.

Let's, uh...
Let's get a bunch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go nice and wide, that's good.

Okay, smile.
Oh, that's great.
We got it right there.

We got it.

Wait, Dr. C?
Dr. C?

I'll be back
in a couple hours!

You lied to me!
You're going on
your secret mission!

Sorry!

Of all the times
I have been abandoned

at a celebrity pet grave,
this is the most hurtful!

Dr. C! Wait!

Are you kidding me?

Morgan, what the hell
are you doing here?

What is going on?

Who's in that house?
Are you gay?
Are you attracted to me?

Why not?
Okay, look, I lied.

I do have a secret.

And now I have
to make it right.

- What?
- Dad? Is that you?

Hey.

Uh... Hey.
Hey.

Wow. Uh...

Eric, it's nice to see you...
Or to meet you, I guess.

Yeah, you too.

Introduce me.

This is Morgan,
my co-worker.
"Co-worker"?

I wish you didn't
introduce me at all.

Didn't want to.
Didn't want you to come.

Anyway,

this is Eric who,
it's looking like,

is a product
of my wilder days.

Uh-huh.

Eric, give us
one sec, okay?

You son of a bitch.

You had a secret family
the whole time,

and you never once
told them about me?

Is your name
even Dr. C?

No, I didn't
have a secret family.

Eric only emailed
me a month ago.

I didn't want to tell anybody
until I knew it was real,

in case I was being catfished.

I heard that.

Told you about when
I went to Montreal, right?

Yeah, and you were
severely beaten

by a man that you thought
was a female prostitute.
Female prostitute.

Okay, we'll talk
about it later.
It really embarrassed me.

Anyway, I figured we'd
stop here on the way
and sort things out.

Eric, how'd you
find me anyway?

Yeah, well, I asked my mom
for years who my dad was.

And then finally she
told me that she met a...

A handsome, young
med student

named Dan at a Billy Joel
concert in 1999.

Evelyn.

She was the only
other person in the crowd

that knew all the words to
We Didn't Start the Fire.

I just can't believe
you're here, Dad.

Oh, wow! Whoa.
Easy.

Eric, honey, your friends
are too early for the party.

I've gotta get the pizza
at the gas station...
Oh, my God!

Dan, is that you?

Evelyn? Hi.

You haven't changed.

What did you do, Eric?

Eric, uh...
You wanna talk?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.
Okay. Yeah.

Let's go out back.

All right. Uh...

Oh, hey,
you got a swing.
Yeah.

You want me
to give you a push?

No, no, uh...
Maybe later.

So you got
a birthday coming up?

Yeah, next week.

But I convinced
Mom to let me have
the party today because

I knew you were coming.

I just wanted my friends
to see that I had a dad.

Especially Tyler.

He's got two dads.

Yeah, I know where
you're coming from.
I mean, my dad...

He wasn't around much.
Oh.

But I need you to know,
the only reason I wasn't here

is because I didn't
know about you.

Thanks.
That means a lot.

But, hell, we could
start right now.

Uh... Anything I could do?
Anything you need?

Yeah, I just need for you
to move to Oklahoma
and marry my mom.

Well, I'm so glad
you guys could
make it out here.

It's been a great place
to raise Eric.

You know,
everyone owns a gun here,
so there's no crime.

It's just accidents
and suicides.
Wow.

Speaking of accidents, uh...

Eric seems like
a real winner.

Oh, yeah. I just can't
believe he's 16.

He's growing like a weed.

Yeah,
he is really tall.

Oh, he's the tallest
one in his grade.

At the fair
he got a blue ribbon
for reaching things.

It's kind of
a boring town.

That's really curious.

Eric doesn't seem
to take after you
or Dr. C.

Tall. Blue eyes.
Oh.

Oh, no.

I just have bad posture now.

But I was
just as tall as him
when I was growing up.

Hmm.

And that's our angel,
Leo.

Hmm. Seems like
the perfect little family.

Yeah.

I'm really lucky.

Oh, God. She has
her pants off in that one.

So what's
my brother like?

He's got a much better
name than stupid "Eric."

What? Eric's a great name!
It's not stupid.

I know a lot
of great Erics.
Okay. Name one.

Eric Stoltz.

Okay? He was almost
in Back to the Future.

Michael J. Fox
replaced him, like,
two weeks into filming.

Yeah, you're right. Look.

If I'd been there,
I would've named you
something cool, like Lionel.

"Lionel"?
Yeah.

Ah, that's such
a great name.

Why are you even here?

To brag about
your awesome life, and then
just go back to New York?

No, no, no,
I wanted to meet you.

I was passing through
to go to California.

You know, my...
My dad had a heart attack.

Grandpa had
a heart attack?

You didn't
even know him.

Well...
Look, I don't
want to go. I mean...

He wasn't a great dad.

Neither were you,
you dick!

These are beautiful
family photos.

Interesting.
He's got brown eyes,

and she's got brown eyes.
And this old man?

Brown eyes.

You know, I think Eric
got his blue eyes

from somebody
on Danny's side
of the family.

Huh. Yeah.
Probably.

There's just one
little problem with
your theory there, lady.

It's garbage.

What? Why?
Yeah.

Because that man's
fiancé had me dig
through his genealogy

to find out if there was
any chance that she could
have blue-eyed children.

And I still have
the scratch marks

from where I told her
it was impossible.

You're busted!
Okay, I admit it!

Danny is not Eric's dad.

Eric's real dad
is a big jerk,

and he wanted nothing
to do with us.

Okay. Got it.
Go outside and tell them
the truth right now.

That's gonna
crush Eric.

It's his 16th birthday,

and I don't have enough money
to get him a car

or even get him
a name-brand cake.

"Spider Hero"?

Okay. Don't care.

You need to get out there
and make it right, mama.

Can we please just wait
until after the party?

He's just so happy
to have Danny here.

Please?

Yeah,
I guess so.

I mean, they do seem
to be getting along.

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Hey, get off him, kid!

Pick on someone
your own size!

Come on. Oh!
No, no, no, no!
Let him go!

Get him off!

Okay, let him hit me
if he wants to hit me, okay?
No!

Yes! Castellano men
express their feelings
through fighting or dancing.

It's either the fist
or the foot.

Except he's not
a Castellano.

What?

Stop it,
you knew already.

I just found out.

Eric...

Danny is not your dad.

What... What?

He's not?

Well... Then why'd
you tell me he was?

Because Danny
is smart and he's educated,

and I just wanted
you to think that you
came from something good.

Well, great!

Thanks for ruining
my birthday, Mom.

Oh, if my friends ask for me,

just tell them I'm
up in my room looking up
how to do drugs!

I'm sorry I lied.

I had no idea
that he would
reach out to you.

Okay, I'm out of here.
No, no.

Why did you have
to be so perceptive?

It's just my way.

Ugh. Eric!

Come back, honey.

I'm sorry.

Unbelievable!

I don't know what's worse
about Castellano men.

How gullible we are,
or that we hate
the feeling of condoms.

Just wait. Listen to me.
I am just as mad
as you are, okay?

But ask yourself this.

What is the
best revenge?

Helping the people
who lied to us.

Why the hell
would I do that?

Okay, all I know, man,
is this kid Eric,

he planned
this whole birthday
around meeting his dad.

He's gonna be
so embarrassed.
All right, I...
I got my own problems, okay?

Everyone's got
problems, okay!

I got a bad back,
back hair,

bacne, other stuff
with my back.

My front
is a mess.

The point is,
I'm staying.

Great!

I've been trying
to get rid of you
the whole trip.

You know what?
I only came along
with you so we could bond.

You know, before Leo
was in the picture,
you and I would make plans.

And yes, you would
always cancel them,
but now...

You don't even
make them.

This was supposed to be
our Thelma & Louise.

They died at the end
of that movie.

Exactly.

Dr. C?

See, I know you're
starting the car, but you're
not going to drive away.

- Hey, sweetheart.
- Hey, babe!

How's the road trip?

Being in the Midwest
make you realize
how skinny I am?

Uh, it's, uh...
It's... It's going good.

We're in Oklahoma.

Oklahoma?

Did you see Eddie
from Frasier's grave?
I hear it's amazing.

Uh... How...
How's Leo doing?

Is that him crying?
Put him on.

Ah, I was hoping
you'd say that.

All right, you're on speaker.

Hey, Leo.

I hear you're
giving your ma
a hard time.

Look, I get it.

If I was cooped up
with her all day,
I'd be crying, too.

Huh? What are you
saying to him?

Listen, buddy.

I love you, okay?

Come on.
Stop crying.
It's okay.

I can't wait
to see you again.

I'm going
to be home soon.

See? It's going
to be okay.

Now do me a favor.
Be good for your ma.

Oh, my God.
Danny, it worked!
You're like a hypnotist.

I just told him
I loved him.

See that, Leo?

Aren't you lucky
to have such a great dad?

Oh. Honey?

There's a commercial
on that I love

and I don't want to
press pause, okay?

I love you. Bye!

Cheer up, sweetie.

I got the pop
from the fancy
dollar store.

Can't you try
to enjoy your birthday?

Enjoy what?

No dad.

Of course Tyler
brought his dads.

Oh, honey,
we're just as good as them.

Eric? Son?

It's me, your father.

I'm back from
the golf club, and I'm
ready to meet your friends.

Ow! Don't look at me.

Keep partying.

Oh, this is
so embarrassing.

Oh, God!
Dude, is that
really your dad?

Leave me alone.
I'm his dad.

No.

I'm his dad.

Now, I know this

might seem
a little weird but, um...

I'm really glad to be here
to celebrate Eric's birthday.

I can't take the credit,
but Eric is a great kid.

He's smart, resourceful.

Got a hell
of a left hook.

We all should be
lucky to know him.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

Dr. C, I think
I broke my neck.

You didn't break your neck.
I can see your toes moving.

They are?

This was fun.

You know, it's been a while
since I sat with some teens
and talked about Christ.

Oh, that part
was weird.

Look, Eric.

I meant everything
I said in there.
You're a great kid.

And when you think
about your dad,
I want you to remember this.

Resentment is when you
take the poison, and you
hope the other guy gets sick.

That's good. Thanks.
All right.

Thank you.
Beautiful.
He's smart.

That was amazing.
Yeah.

I got it from
the Dr. Phil calendar.
No way!

Thanks again, Danny.

And I hope you
patch things up
with your dad.

Thanks.

Hey, I never gave you
a birthday present.

What've you got?

Is that, like,
a leftover gift card?

Why don't you take these?

What? Whoa, wait.

Hey, really? A car?
No.

Yeah. And if you
get a hot date,

there's plenty of room
in the backseat.

Now you're lucky
you're not a Castellano

'cause as your mom
will tell you,
we don't like to wear...

Uh, okay, Dan.
We... We get it.

Happy birthday, kid.

Happy birthday.
But that's not the gift.

That's not...
Hey! Time out! Um...

How are we
supposed to get
to California?

We'll take a bus.
It's not that far.

It's 34 hours
away, dude!

I wanted to do
something nice
for the kid.

You don't even
know him, man.

Okay, I... I wait
hand-and-foot on you,

and you gave me
a free T-shirt from your
bank for my birthday.

No, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.

I... I'm...
I'm incredulous.
I'm incredulous.

Look. The bus driver
gave me this
to give to you.

He wants to make you
an honorary captain.

Look, I know you're
bummed about the car.

We could've been
in a climate-controlled car.

We could've listened
to Howard Stern.

Yeah, but helping out Eric
and staying for the party,

that was the right
thing to do.
So thank you.

I'm really glad
you went on this
trip with me.

You know,
you tried to ditch me,
like, three or four times?

Yeah, I know.
Hurt my feelings.

I'm sorry.
Can you promise me right now
you'll never do it again?

I might do it again.
I know.

You know,
I was thinking
about my dad.

I mean, my dad's
around, you know?

I gotta work out
my stuff with him.

I just... I can't go there

and just get him
a nurse and split.

I mean, who knows?

This might be
my last chance.

That's nice.

I almost forgot
to show you this.

I did get a picture
of you and Eddie
at the grave.

It's the best photo
of me anyone's ever taken.

I look stunning.

You do.

I look like
a young Andre the Giant.

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll