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1
00:00:01,633 --> 00:00:03,264
Danny! Listen
to my great idea.
2
00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:08,282
We should name the baby after
a classic movie character,
like Indiana or WALL-E.
3
00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:10,089
I told you, I want
a name from history.
4
00:00:10,631 --> 00:00:13,037
Yeah, I suggested
O.J. And you thought
it was too edgy.
5
00:00:13,408 --> 00:00:15,746
Although, to be safe,
we probably should pick
something gender-neutral,
6
00:00:15,984 --> 00:00:17,318
you know, in case he's trans.
7
00:00:17,656 --> 00:00:18,751
He's not gonna be trans.
8
00:00:19,295 --> 00:00:20,698
Well, that's up to herm.
9
00:00:20,867 --> 00:00:22,635
"Herm"? I don't think so.
10
00:00:23,009 --> 00:00:24,035
Danny?
Hmm?
11
00:00:24,380 --> 00:00:25,543
Put your book down.
I'm horny.
12
00:00:25,685 --> 00:00:28,924
Uh, okay, babe,
maybe, maybe not tonight.
13
00:00:29,298 --> 00:00:31,133
Come here. Come here.
Okay. Okay.
14
00:00:32,877 --> 00:00:33,904
I just want
a little Sweet D.
15
00:00:34,984 --> 00:00:38,725
It's just, I don't want
my special guy so close
to my special guy.
16
00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:40,361
I mean he might hear us.
17
00:00:40,638 --> 00:00:43,204
You don't want to have
sex because of the baby?
18
00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:46,257
Danny, this is my baby.
He loves sex sounds.
19
00:00:46,325 --> 00:00:50,066
How would you like it if you
were minding your own business
and a big penis just came
20
00:00:50,138 --> 00:00:51,403
and hit you
right in the face?
21
00:00:51,644 --> 00:00:53,206
Yeah, that's my life
you're describing.
22
00:00:53,516 --> 00:00:55,078
Sweetheart? Look
at this ring.
23
00:00:55,357 --> 00:00:58,995
This is our solemn oath to be
with each other for the rest
of our lives. Is it not?
24
00:00:59,137 --> 00:01:00,128
It is. Yes.
25
00:01:00,375 --> 00:01:02,371
Okay, you bought the cow,
now get the milk for free.
26
00:01:02,916 --> 00:01:05,619
Babe, I'm sorry.
I just, a son should only
27
00:01:05,694 --> 00:01:07,792
see his father's thing when
they stop on a hike to pee.
28
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,877
You know what, you prude,
I don't even need you.
Read your book.
29
00:01:11,213 --> 00:01:13,082
I will just draw
my own erotica.
30
00:01:20,412 --> 00:01:21,541
This is some
real good stuff.
31
00:01:22,118 --> 00:01:23,920
You're just drawing
the number 69.
32
00:01:24,393 --> 00:01:25,556
Yeah. Ooh-la-la.
33
00:01:25,798 --> 00:01:26,995
Oh, whoa.
Mmm-hmm.
34
00:01:27,102 --> 00:01:28,938
You keep it going. Sixty-nine.
35
00:01:30,147 --> 00:01:31,208
Please!
What?
36
00:01:31,284 --> 00:01:33,017
Please!
Stop! No!
37
00:01:36,406 --> 00:01:40,416
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
38
00:01:48,679 --> 00:01:50,481
Oh-ho!
Good news, everybody!
39
00:01:50,619 --> 00:01:53,322
I am taking the entire staff
out to dinner tomorrow night
40
00:01:53,462 --> 00:01:55,093
with Whitney,
the girl I am dating.
41
00:01:55,637 --> 00:01:56,697
Uh, it's actually the restaurant
42
00:01:56,775 --> 00:01:57,869
where the guy breaks up with his
43
00:01:57,946 --> 00:01:59,280
phone plan
in the Verizon
commercial.
44
00:01:59,350 --> 00:02:01,015
No big deal.
45
00:02:01,090 --> 00:02:03,188
Mmm, sorry. I'm taking a
night school class.
46
00:02:03,264 --> 00:02:05,431
It's called,
"Making Excuses at Work."
47
00:02:05,505 --> 00:02:08,676
Bev! I was counting
on you. Come on, guys.
48
00:02:08,750 --> 00:02:11,351
Don't make Whitney
think I'm a weird loser
with no friends.
49
00:02:11,728 --> 00:02:12,719
Adrian?
50
00:02:12,898 --> 00:02:15,098
No, sorry. I gotta, I gotta
give the dog
his shots
51
00:02:15,173 --> 00:02:16,804
while my wife's
on a date.
52
00:02:16,879 --> 00:02:18,475
At least she's letting
me in the house!
53
00:02:18,551 --> 00:02:21,824
Well, Mindy,
Morgan. You love free slop.
54
00:02:22,767 --> 00:02:26,873
Look, Jeremy. I, for one,
would love to want
to go to that.
55
00:02:26,948 --> 00:02:30,221
But my fertility clinic
has a booth at the
Manhattan Fertility Expo.
56
00:02:30,728 --> 00:02:33,260
Yeah, we started a pretty
innovative new program.
57
00:02:33,337 --> 00:02:35,435
It's to convince girls
in their 20s to want
to freeze their eggs.
58
00:02:36,014 --> 00:02:38,888
It's called "Later, Baby!"
And it was my idea!
59
00:02:38,957 --> 00:02:40,326
I'm a business partner.
60
00:02:40,396 --> 00:02:42,734
Frisbee! Sorry.
61
00:02:42,838 --> 00:02:46,077
Really? No takers for
a free dinner? Unbelievable.
62
00:02:46,149 --> 00:02:48,122
You lot would turn down
a free car if it was from me.
63
00:02:48,457 --> 00:02:50,088
Wait, who's giving
away a free car?
64
00:02:51,401 --> 00:02:52,803
Oh. I'm good.
65
00:02:53,074 --> 00:02:54,237
I... I mean...
66
00:02:54,814 --> 00:02:58,725
Tamra? Hey, we were wondering
if we could run our spiel
67
00:02:58,795 --> 00:03:00,265
for the Fertility Expo by you?
68
00:03:00,367 --> 00:03:01,735
'Cause you're young and
millennial, right?
69
00:03:04,614 --> 00:03:05,641
Perfect.
70
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,554
Do you know there's no better
time to freeze your eggs
71
00:03:07,625 --> 00:03:08,788
than when you're in your 20s?
72
00:03:08,863 --> 00:03:12,536
Mmm-hmm. And it's a great
way to make sure that your
reproductive health is
73
00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:13,601
"on fleek."
74
00:03:13,814 --> 00:03:16,152
And that is..."Cool."
75
00:03:17,227 --> 00:03:20,169
Freezing your eggs? I heard
that stuff's unnatural.
76
00:03:20,338 --> 00:03:22,641
At least that's what
the midwives from upstairs
said in their ad.
77
00:03:22,946 --> 00:03:23,938
The midwives?
78
00:03:24,084 --> 00:03:25,578
Yeah, look.
Okay.
79
00:03:27,195 --> 00:03:31,198
Pollution. Drought.Peanut sensitivity.
80
00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:33,412
The modern world
is ruining our lives.
81
00:03:34,821 --> 00:03:37,319
And now, from birthing drugs
to egg freezing,
82
00:03:37,666 --> 00:03:40,665
Big Fertility wants to change
the way we make new life.
83
00:03:40,743 --> 00:03:43,719
But there is another way,
a more natural way.
84
00:03:44,055 --> 00:03:46,997
At Downtown Women's
Holistic Health Center,
my brother Duncan and I...
85
00:03:47,066 --> 00:03:48,057
Hi!
86
00:03:48,135 --> 00:03:50,633
...are returning to
traditions where birth
was a tribal ritual,
87
00:03:50,712 --> 00:03:54,852
spiritual, erotic even,
not a sterile
medical procedure.
88
00:03:55,295 --> 00:03:57,701
Brendan has the charisma
of a young Paul Newman.
We call it Paleo Birth.
89
00:03:57,837 --> 00:03:58,829
That's enough.
Natural,
90
00:03:58,907 --> 00:04:02,613
drug-free birthing techniques
for every kind of family.
91
00:04:02,687 --> 00:04:05,823
From same-sex couples to
inter-species triples?
92
00:04:06,233 --> 00:04:07,568
Let's hear from Brooke Burke.
93
00:04:08,173 --> 00:04:10,477
Thanks to Paleo Birth,
I didn't go into labor
94
00:04:10,548 --> 00:04:12,749
surrounded by masked doctors.
95
00:04:12,823 --> 00:04:16,792
Masks? Really, doctors?
What are you hiding?
96
00:04:16,871 --> 00:04:19,402
You know who else
wears masks? Bank robbers.
97
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:20,472
And ISIS.
98
00:04:20,952 --> 00:04:23,256
I gave birth right here
in my Brentwood garden.
99
00:04:23,728 --> 00:04:26,259
And my child's first sight
wasn't a hospital gown.
100
00:04:26,605 --> 00:04:30,712
It was a butterfly and then
the sprinklers came on
and we had to move.
101
00:04:31,791 --> 00:04:34,322
Paleo Birth,
Stone Age health care
102
00:04:34,701 --> 00:04:37,039
is finally here.
Bye-bye.
103
00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:40,546
Natural birth?
Easy for you to say,
Brooke Burke!
104
00:04:40,622 --> 00:04:42,093
With a birthing canal
that straight,
105
00:04:42,161 --> 00:04:44,225
basically having a baby
is like taking a big fart.
106
00:04:44,301 --> 00:04:47,107
All right. Yeah. Sure.
That movie was beautiful
and well-made,
107
00:04:47,179 --> 00:04:49,483
but at the end
of the day, what are you
gonna remember more,
108
00:04:49,554 --> 00:04:54,869
a great movie, or
a good old Frisbee
made in the US of...
109
00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,807
Chernobyl?
Okay, just...
110
00:04:56,879 --> 00:04:59,480
Y'all mad. That video was
hella compelling.
111
00:04:59,957 --> 00:05:01,451
And everyone
knows Brooke Burke
doesn't get out of bed
112
00:05:01,529 --> 00:05:03,057
for less than
$10,000.
113
00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:06,074
Okay. It wasn't
compelling and
everyone hated it.
114
00:05:06,145 --> 00:05:09,453
And let me tell you
something, I will never
have a natural birth. Okay?
115
00:05:09,591 --> 00:05:11,997
I'm going to be so drugged
out for my C-section,
that when I wake up,
116
00:05:12,066 --> 00:05:13,731
Donald Trump will have
started his second term.
117
00:05:18,188 --> 00:05:19,179
Morning, Danny.
118
00:05:19,493 --> 00:05:21,295
C-section? Drugged up?
119
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:23,566
Have we not gone
over my birthing plan?
120
00:05:24,511 --> 00:05:26,244
What the hell?You want to havethe baby here?
121
00:05:26,719 --> 00:05:30,630
Sir, this is the most
luxurious birthing
suite in Manhattan.
122
00:05:30,866 --> 00:05:34,105
We've hosted everyone
from Bethenny Frankel
to Miss Tina Fey.
123
00:05:34,546 --> 00:05:36,816
It's everything
I've ever creamed of.
124
00:05:36,887 --> 00:05:38,952
Come on, this place is
bigger than my apartment.
125
00:05:39,029 --> 00:05:40,055
It's nicer, too.
126
00:05:40,133 --> 00:05:44,513
Danny, look at this place.
There's a massage chair,
there's satellite radio.
127
00:05:44,582 --> 00:05:46,852
They put spa water
in the IV for you.
128
00:05:46,957 --> 00:05:50,869
Sir, I understand you're
nervous, but don't worry,
this suite has a dad cave
129
00:05:51,305 --> 00:05:53,073
with a tequila list
curated by Pitbull.
130
00:05:53,815 --> 00:05:54,806
Very smart breed.
131
00:05:54,986 --> 00:05:56,012
I don't care
about any of that.
132
00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:58,359
Mindy, don't you think
you should check out
the delivery room?
133
00:05:58,565 --> 00:06:01,165
Oh, don't worry
about that, Dr. Lahiri.
You'll never remember it.
134
00:06:01,676 --> 00:06:04,014
You've opted for
the five-day C-section
knockout package.
135
00:06:04,486 --> 00:06:05,477
You have?
Mmm-hmm.
136
00:06:05,590 --> 00:06:08,064
Are you serious?
You want to be high
on goofy gas for the most
137
00:06:08,132 --> 00:06:09,535
beautiful moment
of your life?
138
00:06:09,671 --> 00:06:11,701
Okay, the most beautiful
moment of my life is when
139
00:06:11,778 --> 00:06:13,478
I got a selfie with
Gayle King on that flight.
140
00:06:13,685 --> 00:06:15,624
Second of all, Danny,
this is my delivery.
141
00:06:15,692 --> 00:06:16,855
Just let me
do what I want.
142
00:06:17,499 --> 00:06:19,699
Well, you have
time to decide.
143
00:06:19,773 --> 00:06:22,077
Her baby removal
appointment isn't
until next Saturday.
144
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:23,307
You mean "childbirth"?
145
00:06:23,386 --> 00:06:25,656
Okay, guys, look.
We need to figure
this out, okay?
146
00:06:25,728 --> 00:06:28,465
We need to be prepared
if the little guy wants
to come out on his own.
147
00:06:28,872 --> 00:06:30,708
Naturally.
Naturally?
148
00:06:30,812 --> 00:06:32,808
Naturally.
He can't come out early.
149
00:06:33,020 --> 00:06:35,552
Then he'd be
a Virgo, and Virgos
are honest and reliable.
150
00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:36,894
Okay. All right.
151
00:06:37,603 --> 00:06:39,804
Uh, Brad, this was
an amazing tour.
152
00:06:41,785 --> 00:06:42,845
That's for you.
For your troubles.
153
00:06:43,858 --> 00:06:45,089
Sir, this is a dollar.
154
00:06:45,598 --> 00:06:47,663
Exactly, and I...
I need 50 cents back.
155
00:06:49,779 --> 00:06:50,806
Hello, Daniel.
156
00:06:50,883 --> 00:06:53,449
I'm excited you finallydecided to see meabout your problem.
157
00:06:53,827 --> 00:06:55,093
Problem? What problem?
158
00:06:55,835 --> 00:06:59,335
Well, you were
molested by
your priest as a child.
159
00:06:59,514 --> 00:07:00,985
That's why your
personality turned
out this way.
160
00:07:01,321 --> 00:07:03,419
Why does everyone
assume I was molested?
161
00:07:03,495 --> 00:07:05,468
Listen. The reason
I'm here is because
I saw your video,
162
00:07:05,568 --> 00:07:08,602
and I thought you might
be able to suggest some
163
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,680
non-medical ways
to induce childbirth.
164
00:07:11,757 --> 00:07:14,734
Mmm-hmm. I understand.
And remind me again
how you described
165
00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:15,965
my methods on
the local news.
166
00:07:16,073 --> 00:07:18,742
Was it "superstitious
hoodoo for dumb-dumbs"?
167
00:07:19,150 --> 00:07:21,420
Yeah. I stand by it.
But who knows?
168
00:07:21,492 --> 00:07:23,830
The Yankees always
won every time I sat
on Father Tony's lap.
169
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:26,341
I mean,
anything's possible.
170
00:07:26,845 --> 00:07:28,315
Hmm. I think
I can help you.
171
00:07:29,386 --> 00:07:32,055
Chapter seven of my new
book, Paleo Birth,
172
00:07:32,163 --> 00:07:34,637
suggests natural ways
to induce childbirth.
173
00:07:35,609 --> 00:07:37,137
That's great. Thank you.
174
00:07:37,449 --> 00:07:38,440
You're welcome.
175
00:07:38,552 --> 00:07:39,544
How much do I owe you?
176
00:07:39,623 --> 00:07:41,288
You know what?
Just pay it forward.
177
00:07:41,363 --> 00:07:42,833
Initiate a conversation
on race,
178
00:07:42,901 --> 00:07:44,463
take in a homeless person
for a week,
179
00:07:44,541 --> 00:07:46,845
start a critical mass
bike ride for veganism.
180
00:07:47,016 --> 00:07:48,681
Okay. Great. Thank you.
181
00:07:53,606 --> 00:07:56,206
Whoa, a lot
of candles, babe.
182
00:07:56,282 --> 00:07:58,220
Natural ways
to induce childbirth.
183
00:07:59,059 --> 00:08:00,894
Come over here.
Try this arrabbiata.
184
00:08:01,667 --> 00:08:05,168
You cooked? Cool.
Looks great.
185
00:08:05,481 --> 00:08:06,473
Here you go.
Okay.
186
00:08:06,552 --> 00:08:07,543
Spicy foods.
187
00:08:08,224 --> 00:08:11,725
Ow! Oh, my God.
That is very spicy.
188
00:08:12,506 --> 00:08:13,977
Sorry. Here.
Mmm.
189
00:08:14,245 --> 00:08:15,237
Red wine.
190
00:08:15,316 --> 00:08:16,547
Alcohol?
Yeah.
191
00:08:17,022 --> 00:08:18,493
Tried to have a sip of
your beer last month,
192
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:19,552
you called me
Casey Anthony.
193
00:08:19,899 --> 00:08:20,890
Not tonight.
194
00:08:21,070 --> 00:08:22,061
Massage.
195
00:08:22,876 --> 00:08:24,005
Would you like a massage?
196
00:08:25,385 --> 00:08:26,445
Okay.
197
00:08:29,566 --> 00:08:33,102
Oh! That's good.
Ah, babe.
198
00:08:33,648 --> 00:08:34,639
Nipple stimulation.
199
00:08:37,595 --> 00:08:40,298
Ow! Why'd you tweak my tit?
200
00:08:40,372 --> 00:08:41,740
I'm horny.
Let's just get to it.
201
00:08:42,011 --> 00:08:43,311
You're horny?
Very.
202
00:08:43,616 --> 00:08:45,886
Oh, my God. Danny,
this is great news,
203
00:08:45,958 --> 00:08:47,520
'cause I've been
cheating on you
with the banister.
204
00:08:47,597 --> 00:08:48,658
Let's go.
205
00:08:48,734 --> 00:08:50,798
Sexual intercourse.
206
00:08:51,143 --> 00:08:52,843
Ow! Ow! There's
something here.
207
00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:54,112
Don't worry about it.
208
00:08:56,127 --> 00:08:57,119
Paleo Birth?
209
00:08:57,198 --> 00:09:00,003
Nah, it's nothing.
Danny, why do
you have this?
210
00:09:00,075 --> 00:09:02,173
Were you trying
to boink the
baby out of me?
211
00:09:04,724 --> 00:09:08,134
I cannot believe you.
You tried to trick my body
212
00:09:08,204 --> 00:09:10,234
into giving birth
before my C-section!
213
00:09:10,311 --> 00:09:11,338
Booze? Sex!
214
00:09:11,415 --> 00:09:13,285
Danny, you used
all my favorite
things against me.
215
00:09:13,355 --> 00:09:15,886
Look, Min, if you
have this baby safe
and naturally,
216
00:09:15,965 --> 00:09:19,431
you'll be glad you did.
Your body knows how to
do this. It knows.
217
00:09:19,777 --> 00:09:22,720
My body is an idiot.
Have you ever seen me
try to climb a ladder?
218
00:09:22,788 --> 00:09:25,228
Danny, it's decided,
okay? I'm getting
a C-section.
219
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:26,968
Do you know what
that "C" stands for?
220
00:09:27,137 --> 00:09:29,441
Yeah. Comfort.
Convenience. Coolness.
221
00:09:29,579 --> 00:09:32,556
No. "C" is for Coward.
222
00:09:32,824 --> 00:09:35,355
C-sections are designed
for emergencies.
223
00:09:35,801 --> 00:09:39,211
Not for rich women
to schedule their births
between spin classes.
224
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:41,720
How dare you?
You know I don't spin.
225
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:45,930
Look, if, if you, if you
let it, birth can be a
beautiful experience.
226
00:09:46,004 --> 00:09:49,072
Excuse me? I am an
OB/GYN too, Danny.
227
00:09:49,148 --> 00:09:50,950
We both know
that childbirth is
a horror movie.
228
00:09:51,089 --> 00:09:54,089
Basically, your vagina
explodes a bloody,
screaming little alien.
229
00:09:54,166 --> 00:09:57,200
Yeah, well, that sounds
beautiful to me. Besides,
the pain of childbirth?
230
00:09:57,278 --> 00:09:59,947
I mean, that's a rite
of passage for a woman.
231
00:10:00,021 --> 00:10:02,256
Why should only
women have to suffer
through pain, okay?
232
00:10:02,329 --> 00:10:04,495
Why don't you get one of
your cavities filled
without any novocaine?
233
00:10:04,569 --> 00:10:06,201
I don't get cavities,
okay? I got a
brushing ritual.
234
00:10:06,276 --> 00:10:07,336
Two minutes up-and-down,
235
00:10:07,414 --> 00:10:08,782
two minutes round-and-round
and I go through this...
236
00:10:08,851 --> 00:10:11,018
I can't listen to you
talk about how you brush
your teeth anymore.
237
00:10:11,126 --> 00:10:12,894
Why does it bother you
so much, okay?
238
00:10:12,966 --> 00:10:14,368
Why don't you just let
me sleep through it,
239
00:10:14,439 --> 00:10:15,773
like when you make
me watch Frontline?
240
00:10:15,843 --> 00:10:18,478
Okay, so you want to sleep
through your first big
challenge of being a mom?
241
00:10:18,553 --> 00:10:22,762
Fine. But there's going
to be nothing but more
challenges down the line,
242
00:10:22,835 --> 00:10:24,705
and you're not gonna
be able to sleep
through those.
243
00:10:33,740 --> 00:10:34,834
Startle the mother.
244
00:10:34,911 --> 00:10:35,902
Damn it, Danny!
245
00:10:36,550 --> 00:10:39,721
Whoo! Expo is here, Dr. L.
246
00:10:39,962 --> 00:10:43,269
I am nervous but excited.
What two things are you?
247
00:10:44,445 --> 00:10:47,616
My two words,
betrayed and upset.
What?
248
00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:49,320
Do you want to know
what Danny tried
to do last night?
249
00:10:49,396 --> 00:10:52,395
Danny tried
to trick my body into
giving birth early.
250
00:10:53,108 --> 00:10:54,442
Okay, between me and you?
Yeah?
251
00:10:54,514 --> 00:10:55,916
I love Dr. C...
Mmm-hmm.
252
00:10:55,985 --> 00:10:57,685
He's always been
the Yoko of our relationship.
253
00:10:58,160 --> 00:10:59,825
Well, who am I?
The Beatles.
254
00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:01,538
Who are you?
Morgan.
255
00:11:02,174 --> 00:11:03,736
Not a music fan.
Listen, the point is this.
256
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,721
You are a confident,
beautiful, ethnic
goddess. Okay?
257
00:11:07,192 --> 00:11:09,723
You don't have to let
some man tell you what
to do with your body.
258
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,194
Thank you.
259
00:11:11,273 --> 00:11:13,440
Uh, last time I checked
this was America
and we respect women here.
260
00:11:13,614 --> 00:11:15,017
Yeah. Roe v. Wade and stuff.
261
00:11:15,253 --> 00:11:17,751
Yeah. Roe v. Wade,
Dwyane Wade, all the Wades.
262
00:11:18,131 --> 00:11:19,260
Thank you, Morgan.
You're right.
263
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:22,043
You know what?
I'm really excited
for the Expo.
264
00:11:22,479 --> 00:11:24,976
As long as this little
guy doesn't try to come
out before the C-section.
265
00:11:25,289 --> 00:11:27,159
Oh, let me handle that one.
266
00:11:27,229 --> 00:11:31,803
Hey! Oi! Sit! Sit! Stay.
267
00:11:31,879 --> 00:11:34,410
Okay.
Good boy.
You get a treat.
268
00:11:34,924 --> 00:11:36,759
Okay, how many times
have I told you?
269
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,062
The only thing you're
allowed to kiss are my feet.
270
00:11:38,202 --> 00:11:39,193
You got it.
271
00:11:39,641 --> 00:11:41,009
Well, this is going
to be great.
272
00:11:41,145 --> 00:11:42,137
Ah!
273
00:11:42,384 --> 00:11:43,375
Ow!
274
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:44,957
What happened?
Did you say, "Ow"?
275
00:11:45,026 --> 00:11:46,497
Or did you start
to say "owl"?
276
00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:47,931
'Cause I can
get you an owl.
277
00:11:53,791 --> 00:11:54,782
Hey, mate.
278
00:11:54,928 --> 00:11:57,300
Hey, what do you think
about Frank as a baby name?
279
00:11:57,838 --> 00:11:59,241
Oh, I have a brother
named Frank.
280
00:11:59,577 --> 00:12:00,569
You do?
281
00:12:00,916 --> 00:12:02,216
Yeah, he used to walk me
to the garden
282
00:12:02,588 --> 00:12:05,325
where he'd have the
others wait for me.
With their sticks.
283
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,771
I gotta stop
running these names by you.
284
00:12:08,844 --> 00:12:11,615
Okay. So, what's up?
285
00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:14,257
No, nothing.
Just seeing who's around.
286
00:12:14,598 --> 00:12:16,365
I'm surprised you're not
at the Fertility Expo.
287
00:12:17,140 --> 00:12:20,242
Yeah, Mindy and I had
a difference of opinion.
I thought I'd stay here.
288
00:12:20,417 --> 00:12:21,945
A-ha! Busted!
289
00:12:22,459 --> 00:12:24,294
If you're not going
to the Expo,
then you have no choice
290
00:12:24,366 --> 00:12:26,031
but to come to dinner
with Whitney and me!
291
00:12:26,439 --> 00:12:29,279
Tonight? Tonight,
oh, you know what?
292
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:31,755
I'm sorry, I
just remembered I...
Ma needs me to...
293
00:12:31,892 --> 00:12:33,055
No, no, no, no, no.
You're trapped, Danny,
294
00:12:33,130 --> 00:12:35,126
like a mouse
wriggling on glue paper.
295
00:12:35,873 --> 00:12:38,404
Now Whitney will see what
good friends I have. Ha!
296
00:12:43,834 --> 00:12:46,366
Hey, guys, um,
I appreciate that
you're coming with us,
297
00:12:46,510 --> 00:12:48,312
but do you think you could
let a pregnant lady sit?
298
00:12:48,819 --> 00:12:52,160
Sorry, I can't.
My legs are tired
from being long and thin.
299
00:12:52,231 --> 00:12:55,071
How do you know I'm not
pregnant? I'm late!
300
00:12:55,509 --> 00:12:59,215
So then I will just continue
to stand even though I am
1,000 months pregnant.
301
00:12:59,290 --> 00:13:00,281
You guys are jerks.
302
00:13:00,862 --> 00:13:02,858
Oh, God. It's the Deloreas.
303
00:13:03,102 --> 00:13:06,741
Oh! Hey! Brendan!
Duncan! Come over here
and stand with us!
304
00:13:07,251 --> 00:13:08,687
What are you doing?
We hate them.
305
00:13:08,756 --> 00:13:09,747
Oh, right. I'm sorry.
306
00:13:09,826 --> 00:13:11,161
Hey, Morgan!
Hey, what's up?
307
00:13:11,231 --> 00:13:14,173
Oh! Hi, guys.
What a nice coincidence.
308
00:13:14,576 --> 00:13:16,242
Mindy, congratulations.
When did you have the baby?
309
00:13:17,454 --> 00:13:20,123
Okay. That's hilarious.
What, are you
a comedian now?
310
00:13:20,464 --> 00:13:22,939
For your FYI, this baby
is getting delivered
311
00:13:23,007 --> 00:13:24,980
on schedule in a ritzy
birthing suite
312
00:13:25,047 --> 00:13:27,852
that Saddam Hussein
called, quote, "a bit much."
313
00:13:27,923 --> 00:13:29,086
Oh! Oh!
314
00:13:30,165 --> 00:13:32,834
Are you okay?
Are you having
contractions?
315
00:13:33,410 --> 00:13:36,512
No. I was just remembering
a funny joke
that Morgan told me.
316
00:13:36,588 --> 00:13:39,085
Oh, was it the one
about the banana on
a date with silverware?
317
00:13:39,565 --> 00:13:41,766
You're very appealing,
wanna fork?
318
00:13:43,312 --> 00:13:44,543
Why is the floor
all wet, Mindy?
319
00:13:45,754 --> 00:13:46,815
Oh, God.
320
00:13:47,226 --> 00:13:50,362
'Cause she's laughing
so hard at my joke,
she peed herself, obviously.
321
00:13:50,604 --> 00:13:54,813
Yeah. Why is it so hard
to believe that Morgan
is hilarious? All right?
322
00:13:54,886 --> 00:13:56,654
He should be
hosting The Daily Show.
Yes!
323
00:13:57,094 --> 00:13:59,364
Mindy, your water just broke.
324
00:14:04,787 --> 00:14:08,665
Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no, no.
This cannot be happening
right now. I had a plan.
325
00:14:09,036 --> 00:14:12,138
Yeah, me too! God,
I was supposed to be
at the Expo right now,
326
00:14:12,214 --> 00:14:13,880
networking with other
business Morgans!
327
00:14:14,289 --> 00:14:15,725
Uh, I'm starting to feel
a little bad that I ever
328
00:14:15,793 --> 00:14:17,230
messed with
your birth control
in the first place.
329
00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:18,491
What?
330
00:14:18,571 --> 00:14:19,665
Well, I still ain't movin'!
331
00:14:20,611 --> 00:14:23,108
Oh! Whoa!
332
00:14:23,186 --> 00:14:25,524
Sorry, folks.
We have a slight delay.
333
00:14:25,595 --> 00:14:28,093
Apparently a man has
fallen onto the tracks
334
00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:30,543
while filming a viral video
of some kind.
335
00:14:30,947 --> 00:14:33,421
Well, just run him over,
for God's sakes!
336
00:14:33,490 --> 00:14:37,835
We will update you on thepremise of the viral videowhen we have more information.
337
00:14:37,905 --> 00:14:39,467
Thank you for riding the MTA.
338
00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:40,570
Oh!
It's going to be
a song parody.
339
00:14:40,950 --> 00:14:44,896
Okay. Mindy, you're
going to have this baby
right now on this subway.
340
00:14:44,964 --> 00:14:46,731
Oh, my God.
341
00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,069
A subway baby?
342
00:14:48,142 --> 00:14:49,476
You're gonna be
on The Ellen Show.
343
00:14:49,814 --> 00:14:52,346
Sheena was in the
audience once and she got
some Omaha steaks
344
00:14:52,424 --> 00:14:53,415
and a pair of TOMS.
345
00:14:53,594 --> 00:14:55,259
No, no, no, no.
Thanks. Thank you.
Up. Up. Get up. Now.
346
00:14:55,334 --> 00:14:56,599
I won't be needing
your help.
You have to move.
347
00:14:56,706 --> 00:14:59,409
I'm just gonna keep my legs
closed and wait til we get to
the Javits Center.
348
00:14:59,482 --> 00:15:00,713
Thanks.
Shh, come on.
349
00:15:00,786 --> 00:15:02,759
Everyone, stay calm.
She's in good hands.
350
00:15:03,261 --> 00:15:06,238
Although my techniques
were designed for younger
and more athletic women,
351
00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:08,644
this one is going
to have her baby
the Paleo way.
352
00:15:08,849 --> 00:15:09,840
You can do it, Mindy!
353
00:15:09,985 --> 00:15:10,977
Shh! We don't know that yet.
354
00:15:13,632 --> 00:15:14,623
Hey.
355
00:15:14,903 --> 00:15:16,374
Danny! Thank God
you're here.
356
00:15:16,710 --> 00:15:19,846
Okay, if there are people
you don't recognize
at the dinner table,
357
00:15:19,921 --> 00:15:22,418
I've hired some
improv actors to play
my other friends.
358
00:15:22,496 --> 00:15:25,598
One of them,
I have no idea why,
is doing a surfer dude.
359
00:15:26,444 --> 00:15:27,471
Okay.
360
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,627
Danny, hello?
What's wrong?
What's happening?
361
00:15:31,696 --> 00:15:33,327
What's the matter?
Have I a booger?
362
00:15:33,903 --> 00:15:35,465
No, you're fine.
You sure?
363
00:15:35,543 --> 00:15:38,245
Yeah. I just got this
crazy woman pregnant.
And now she wants
364
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:41,023
to check out
for the most important
moment in her life.
365
00:15:41,464 --> 00:15:44,703
Well, maybe it's
because she's terrified.
366
00:15:44,775 --> 00:15:47,718
Terrified? Of what?
A little pain?
367
00:15:47,786 --> 00:15:49,850
No, that's not Mindy.
I mean, just last week
368
00:15:49,927 --> 00:15:52,231
she spent the whole
day with a dart
in her shoulder.
369
00:15:52,302 --> 00:15:54,708
Danny, whenever Mindy
gets scared of doing
something hard,
370
00:15:54,811 --> 00:15:56,807
she always tries
to pretend like
it's not happening.
371
00:15:56,885 --> 00:15:59,017
Like that time
she stole all that Oxy
because she was afraid
372
00:15:59,093 --> 00:16:01,727
to get a Brazilian.
She's scared, Danny.
373
00:16:02,405 --> 00:16:06,546
Yeah. I mean, she hasn't
been to the dentist
in, like, 10 years.
374
00:16:06,620 --> 00:16:09,927
The other day we were
kissing and a tooth came
right out. I swallowed it.
375
00:16:10,333 --> 00:16:12,329
That's the worst thing
I've ever heard.
376
00:16:14,213 --> 00:16:15,548
What's up? Who's that?
377
00:16:18,963 --> 00:16:20,799
What's wrong?
378
00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:22,970
You, you better,
no, no, no, no!
You better not be leaving.
379
00:16:28,598 --> 00:16:30,000
What?
What? What?
380
00:16:32,980 --> 00:16:34,348
We... I mean, we'd
better go in...
381
00:16:34,419 --> 00:16:36,288
I gotta... I gotta, uh,
the baby's coming.
He's coming.
382
00:16:36,726 --> 00:16:38,288
The baby's coming!
Danny!
383
00:16:38,366 --> 00:16:39,495
He's coming!
My friend!
384
00:16:40,273 --> 00:16:41,367
What's up, brah?
385
00:16:42,212 --> 00:16:43,513
When we digging
into some grub?
386
00:16:45,190 --> 00:16:46,182
You look amazing.
387
00:16:46,762 --> 00:16:48,792
Okay, your contractions
are eight minutes apart.
Okay, okay.
388
00:16:48,869 --> 00:16:50,900
I'm with you. I'm going
to stay with you, okay?
Okay. Thank you.
389
00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:54,011
Step out of the way!
Listen to me,
you little son of a bitch!
390
00:16:54,088 --> 00:16:56,962
You're ruining my Expo,
you're ruining my
best friend's body,
391
00:16:57,098 --> 00:16:58,125
and you are going
to stay in there...
392
00:16:58,202 --> 00:16:59,936
Oh, my God!
...until your daddy shows up.
393
00:17:00,042 --> 00:17:01,410
Get your head
out of my crotch!
Okay, all right!
394
00:17:01,481 --> 00:17:03,350
Why would you think
that was okay?
I was trying something new.
395
00:17:03,420 --> 00:17:04,447
Sit down!
396
00:17:04,525 --> 00:17:07,057
It's okay. Now, Mindy,
do you have a favorite
mantra you'd like to recite?
397
00:17:07,134 --> 00:17:09,665
I do have a mantra!
It's, "Save my money
and spend his!"
398
00:17:09,744 --> 00:17:11,271
"Save my money
and spend his!"
399
00:17:11,349 --> 00:17:12,546
"Save my money
and spend his!"
400
00:17:12,620 --> 00:17:14,752
It's not working!
Hmm, less corporate,
more spiritual.
401
00:17:14,829 --> 00:17:17,828
Oh, God! I just want
my birthing suite
and my playlist.
402
00:17:17,905 --> 00:17:19,571
I, I can play you something.
403
00:17:19,980 --> 00:17:21,473
Oh, my God. You can?
404
00:17:21,552 --> 00:17:24,152
Sure.
Duncan, do you know,
Drunk in Love?
405
00:17:24,362 --> 00:17:26,392
No.
Okay, uh, Irreplaceable?
406
00:17:26,469 --> 00:17:29,036
Naughty Girl?
Bonnie & Clyde '02?
407
00:17:29,145 --> 00:17:30,410
Literally, anything Beyoncé?
408
00:17:30,885 --> 00:17:33,987
Oh, if you like Beyoncé,
you're going to love this.
409
00:17:34,063 --> 00:17:35,363
Okay.
410
00:17:35,936 --> 00:17:39,278
I've beenworkin' on the railroad
411
00:17:39,348 --> 00:17:41,822
All the live-long day!
412
00:17:41,890 --> 00:17:42,882
Is this for real?
413
00:17:42,961 --> 00:17:48,071
I've beenworkin' on the railroadJust to pass the time away
414
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:49,472
Please, stop!
415
00:17:49,718 --> 00:17:51,315
Can't you hearthe whistle blowing?
Please stop.
416
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:56,631
Excuse me, sir.
417
00:17:57,011 --> 00:17:58,505
Can I get down there?
My girl's having a baby.
418
00:17:58,583 --> 00:17:59,644
Sorry, sir,
the subway's closed.
419
00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:01,684
It's closed?
Closed.
420
00:18:01,861 --> 00:18:02,853
Okay.
421
00:18:03,601 --> 00:18:04,832
All right.
Hey!
422
00:18:06,712 --> 00:18:07,703
Excuse me!
423
00:18:13,068 --> 00:18:14,299
Mindy, look at me.
424
00:18:14,372 --> 00:18:17,440
This is sage. This is
nature's anesthetic.
Breathe this in.
425
00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:19,614
What?
It's better than an epidural.
426
00:18:19,825 --> 00:18:22,825
Nature sucks!
I need drugs.
Somebody, give me drugs!
427
00:18:23,371 --> 00:18:26,371
You know what, guys?
I just need some drugs.
Please, someone give me drugs.
428
00:18:26,783 --> 00:18:27,774
Nobody give her drugs, please.
429
00:18:28,088 --> 00:18:30,620
Here, don't drink it all.
It's my dinner!
430
00:18:30,998 --> 00:18:32,195
Don't drink any of it.
431
00:18:32,503 --> 00:18:35,446
Yuck. The miracle
of childbirth, am I right?
432
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:38,552
Listen, you should have
kids, but not for a long time.
433
00:18:38,625 --> 00:18:40,861
Have you considered
freezing your eggs?
434
00:18:45,650 --> 00:18:47,281
You know what?
This is just too much.
435
00:18:47,356 --> 00:18:49,090
I gotta be straight up
unconscious, man.
436
00:18:49,163 --> 00:18:50,394
You gotta punch me
in the face.
437
00:18:50,567 --> 00:18:52,437
Mindy, I've wanted
to punch you in
the face for so very long.
438
00:18:52,507 --> 00:18:54,241
Yeah.
I will not do
that right now.
439
00:18:54,314 --> 00:18:57,222
God damn you! Tamra?
Sweet Tamra.
440
00:18:57,492 --> 00:18:59,157
Please slap me
across the face.
441
00:18:59,232 --> 00:19:02,505
I can't just slap you.
You have to say something
I'll find offensive.
442
00:19:03,011 --> 00:19:04,779
Beyoncé's really 44.
443
00:19:05,420 --> 00:19:09,024
Ah! God! That did nothing
and I betrayed Beyoncé.
444
00:19:09,267 --> 00:19:10,670
I feel better.
Oh, God.
445
00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:15,611
Mindy?
446
00:19:15,957 --> 00:19:16,949
Sorry.
447
00:19:17,195 --> 00:19:21,575
Okay, I have an idea. I have
an idea. I'm just gonna raise
this baby inside of me
448
00:19:21,645 --> 00:19:23,514
and then it can just see
out of my mouth.
449
00:19:23,585 --> 00:19:27,554
I'm, I'm stumped. Mantras,
herbs. We've tried everything
but modern medicine.
450
00:19:27,799 --> 00:19:28,791
Mindy!
Maybe...
451
00:19:29,371 --> 00:19:30,672
Mindy?
Danny?
452
00:19:30,743 --> 00:19:32,145
Mindy?
Oh, God. Danny!
453
00:19:33,052 --> 00:19:35,720
Oh, Danny. Come here.
Where have you been? What,
did you stop for a slice?
454
00:19:35,795 --> 00:19:36,855
Are you okay?
Oh, God. It hurts.
455
00:19:37,099 --> 00:19:38,194
It hurts so much, Danny.
456
00:19:38,771 --> 00:19:40,607
Look, look. I'm sorry.
I know I was a jerk.
457
00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:43,311
I know you're
really scared,
and so am I.
458
00:19:43,756 --> 00:19:45,021
Me, too.
You are?
459
00:19:45,663 --> 00:19:49,164
Yeah, I am terrified.
But the only thing
that calms me down
460
00:19:49,242 --> 00:19:52,082
is knowing that I'm doing
this with someone that's
stronger than I am.
461
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:53,821
I'm not, Danny. I'm not!
Yes, you are.
462
00:19:54,092 --> 00:19:55,563
I can't do it, Danny.
It hurts too much.
463
00:19:55,999 --> 00:19:57,436
Hey! Yes, you are.
You are much stronger than me.
464
00:19:57,839 --> 00:19:59,470
You are much stronger than me.
You know it.
465
00:19:59,578 --> 00:20:00,879
And you can do this.
You know why?
466
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:01,941
Why?
467
00:20:02,790 --> 00:20:04,284
Because you're
a stone-cold bitch.
468
00:20:05,299 --> 00:20:06,290
He's right. You are a bitch.
469
00:20:07,105 --> 00:20:08,440
You're tough.
You're tougher
than anyone I know.
470
00:20:08,845 --> 00:20:11,582
You're even tougher...
You're even
tougher than Ma.
471
00:20:12,023 --> 00:20:13,962
Really?
Yeah, really.
472
00:20:14,198 --> 00:20:16,570
Okay. Okay.
I love you.
473
00:20:16,639 --> 00:20:18,839
I love you.
You can do this. Okay.
474
00:20:27,244 --> 00:20:29,079
I can't stop looking at him.
475
00:20:30,321 --> 00:20:32,852
Hey. He looks Latino,
476
00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:35,128
and you know
what that means.
477
00:20:35,841 --> 00:20:37,540
He's really going
to clean up.
478
00:20:38,081 --> 00:20:40,522
I was thinking the same thing.
He's gorgeous.
479
00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:42,456
Right?
He's basically a little model.
480
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:45,168
He's definitely the
best thing I ever cooked.
481
00:20:45,508 --> 00:20:47,104
Where is he?
Get away from me.
482
00:20:48,184 --> 00:20:49,176
I need to see him.
483
00:20:52,633 --> 00:20:54,333
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
He's waking up.
484
00:20:54,406 --> 00:20:55,877
I'm sorry.
You okay?
485
00:20:56,347 --> 00:20:57,338
He's an angel.
486
00:20:58,187 --> 00:21:01,494
He's gorgeous. Definitely
not a Tookers boy.
He's too small.
487
00:21:02,033 --> 00:21:03,595
No. No, why
would you say that?
488
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:08,516
'Cause I was 16 pounds.
So this is not my baby.
489
00:21:08,590 --> 00:21:11,191
But I still love you,
little Morgan.
No! No, no, no.
490
00:21:11,266 --> 00:21:13,033
His name's not Morgan,
okay? We...
491
00:21:15,180 --> 00:21:16,776
We haven't named him yet.
492
00:21:17,220 --> 00:21:18,748
Danny, please, I'm so tired.
493
00:21:19,027 --> 00:21:21,262
I spent the last seven
hours squeezing out
this little watermelon.
494
00:21:21,369 --> 00:21:22,634
Can you please pick a name?
495
00:21:22,873 --> 00:21:23,865
Okay.
496
00:21:29,062 --> 00:21:30,054
Leo.
497
00:21:31,839 --> 00:21:32,831
I love it.
498
00:21:33,746 --> 00:21:34,738
For Leonardo DiCaprio?
499
00:21:35,318 --> 00:21:37,919
No, like Leonardo da Vinci!
500
00:21:38,128 --> 00:21:41,003
Of course. That, of course,
that makes, it makes
so much more sense.
501
00:21:41,540 --> 00:21:42,669
Or Leo the Lion.
502
00:21:43,982 --> 00:21:46,047
'Cause this little guy's
going to be really strong.
503
00:21:46,190 --> 00:21:47,181
Mmm-hmm.
504
00:21:48,063 --> 00:21:49,054
Like his ma.
505
00:21:51,743 --> 00:21:52,872
I'm a ma.
506
00:21:53,850 --> 00:21:54,842
Yeah.
507
00:21:56,794 --> 00:21:59,234
I love you, Leo Castellano.
508
00:22:00,575 --> 00:22:01,909
We can workshop the name.
509
00:22:02,648 --> 00:22:04,244
Hey! Hey! Hey!
510
00:22:05,391 --> 00:22:07,158
Look at this.
Hello, young man.
511
00:22:08,545 --> 00:22:12,555
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