Original subtitles

Previously on The Mindy Project...

You know you're right for someone when they force you

to be the best version of yourself.

I love you.

I think I'm ready to move in.

This one is positive.

I am really pregnant.

We're a family.

I have started my own business.

The Lahiri Fertility Clinic.

It's not weird to want your boyfriend to get down on one knee

and to meet your parents and to get you a ring.

I've done it. I've been married and it didn't go so well.

It means...

It just... Marriage means nothing. It means something to me.

Yes?

You don't come to the wedding and then Dr. Castellano doesn't come.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. Danny's not at the wedding?

If I could stand up mean For the things that I believe

I'm Danny Castellano, and I'm in love with your daughter.

I'm the father of her baby,

and I need you to know that I will love them

and take care of them until the day I die.

But I don't believe in marriage.

Due to some personal experiences I've had,

which I won't get into now.

My father ran out on us. And my wife cheated on me.

Father Mike says it's because

I didn't pray enough as a kid,

and I was too busy, "Applying the handbrake,"

if that translates.

So if we're good, Mr. Lahiri,

I'm gonna head back to New York.

I don't think India really agrees with me.

I am servant. No English.

- What? - Is there a problem?

I'm Tarun Lahiri.

No. There's no problem.

I, um...

I'm Mindy's co-worker.

And I'm here just sightseeing.

You know,

Taj Mahal, Temple of Doom, greatest hits.

Are you Morgan?

At last we meet!

Uh, no, no, sir.

Share this mango with me.

No, I'm... I'm not Morgan. I'm Dr. Danny Castellano.

Morgan has never once forgotten my birthday.

Last year he sent me a poster of the Rat Pack.

Where are you staying, Dr. Castellano?

I'm, uh... I'm just, uh...

Just staying, you know, just walking the street.

Walking around. Nonsense.

You will come and stay with us.

Oh, no. Mr. Lahiri, I couldn't.

Is our home beneath you?

Absolutely not. Come in. Leave your bag.

Okay.

Morgan, if Danny isn't at Peter's wedding, then where is he?

Oh, God.

Hold on. Hold on. Just relax.

Okay? Don't jump to conclusions.

Yeah, you're right. You're right.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

Dr. C met another woman and fell in love with her

and he's with her now.

Oh, God!

Oh...

Why would Danny run away?

Just because I wanted to get married?

I mean, I'm pregnant with his child.

And for what? This stupid apartment

that looks like it was decorated by Teddy Roosevelt?

And don't get me started on this ugly piano.

Takes up so much space.

Meanwhile, my beloved South Park pinball machine

rots in storage!

My life would be so much better

if I'd just fallen in love with someone else.

Where am I?

Oh, no. Did I break into Mariah Carey's penthouse

and fall asleep again?

Ah! What? What? Ah! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Are you a hot home invader? Please don't kill me!

Babe, it's... It's me.

It's Matt.

Your husband.

Ex-squeeze me?

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll

Uh, I think there has been a misunderstanding.

You're not my husband because I am not...

Oh, my God!

This ring is huge!

Yeah. You said if I didn't get you a big enough ring,

I could, "Get used to S-ing my own D for the rest of my L."

That does sound like me.

Yes, it does.

Morning, babe.

Hungry? Yes. Always.

Last night I wished I had never gotten together with Danny,

and this morning my wish came true.

It's like 13 Going On 30,

except I'm still the same age, 26.

Is that Gramercy Park?

I live on Gramercy Park?

That's Jon Stewart eating a hot dog.

And we are married. And he's not wearing a yarmulke?

Then how are we so rich?

And what's with this guy?

Smoking hot, lives in a soap opera set,

and he wanted to marry my fat ass?

What am I, blackmailing him?

Okay, Detective Mindy,

just need to focus, be cool and ask him normal questions.

Hey, honey, can I see your birth certificate?

What? Never mind.

Do you know what I thought would be kind of a fun game?

You and I playing Truth or Dare.

Okay. Right?

I'll pick dare.

God damn it.

I dare you to tell me the truth

about how we first met.

That's kind of a weird dare.

No, it's good. It's good.

But, okay. So the first time I ever saw you

was on that flight from LA, right?

It was, like, two years ago or something.

And I came out of the lavatory and there you were.

Judging by your build and your denim jacket,

I just assumed you were an old Native American man.

Excuse me, sir.

Sir?

I'm obviously a beautiful woman, dude.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Can we just start over? I'm Matt Sherman.

Matt Sherman... Why does that sound so familiar?

Oh, were you on the jury for my public urination trial?

Thanks for nothing, by the way.

No, sadly, that, uh...

That wasn't me.

But you might recognize my name

from the credits. I'm a producer,

actually, on The Real Housewives on Bravo.

Real Housewives?

That's my favorite franchise of shows!

Really? Thanks. Yeah. That's incredible.

Do you know Andy Cohen?

Do I know Andy Cohen? Yeah.

Yeah, that guy's, like, my best friend. Oh, my God.

I tell him all my girl problems.

Oh. Do you have a lot of girl problems?

I'm about to.

Then we had sex in the bathroom,

and we've been together ever since.

That's the most romantic story I have ever heard in my life.

So, Dr. Lahiri,

are you happy to be back in India?

No. I miss Boston.

The Red Sox, Freedom Trail, Dunkin' Donuts,

free small coffee for seniors.

Yeah. Boston. Great town. Love it.

I just wish my daughter had stayed there.

How is Mindy doing? Her mother and I have been concerned.

Any idea who the father might be?

Actually, I'm glad you asked.

Because if I ever saw the man

who left my daughter in a vulnerable situation,

I would break all his bones.

Yes. He deserves a stern talking-to that ends in forgiveness.

Strangers in the night

Hello, I'm Sonu Lahiri.

Welcome.

Sonu, please.

This is Mindy's co-worker, Danny.

Wonderful to meet you, Danny.

Mrs. Lahiri. So how was your flight from...

Sonu. My tinnitus.

How was your audition?

I decided the part was too small.

And I didn't get it. What a relief.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

It's so hard being the new kid on the block.

Everyone knew me from the Massachusetts regional theater scene.

I played every part from gypsy to fortune-teller.

And here?

Here, I can't even get a callback

for Old Woman Who Can't Believe That Yogurt is Fat Free.

Well, show business...

It's all about who you know, right?

Finally, someone who gets it.

You know what, Tarun?

Maybe Danny can help us with our special project.

You want me to build something for you?

A spice rack?

I'm sure you go through a lot of those out here.

No. You can help us select a suitable boy for our daughter.

We are arranging a marriage for Mindy.

You're what?

- Hmm, even though I'm rich, - I'm still slumming it

with these nobodies.

How noble.

So, in this reality,

I have the same job, the same giant cans,

but if I'm married to Matt, what's going on with...

Get out of my office.

That's pretty rude.

I need to talk to you and it's important.

Something incredibly strange is happening to me

and I feel... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Go back on that side of the desk, okay?

This is... This is a very intimate space.

Uh, duh. I spent half my life kneeling on this floor.

What? Fine. Fine.

I'll go sit over there.

Hey, how would you describe our relationship?

Bad. Yeah. Frosty. Hostile.

Not good. Did I say "bad"?

Why? Because I have to work with you,

and I don't think you're a good person.

What are you talking about? I'm a great person.

I go to church with you every single week.

I'm not even Catholic. It's boring as hell

to wait in that long line for one stupid chip.

What are you talking about? We haven't talked in, like, two years.

You didn't even invite me to your wedding.

I didn't invite you to my wedding?

Not that I'd invite you to mine.

Wait, are you getting married? No. Never.

I would never make that mistake again.

Ah, yes,

there is the Danny I know.

Sorry I wasted your time.

Okay, universe.

I guess the lesson here is that without me,

Danny Castellano is a miserable meatball.

But without him, my life is much better.

Might as well enjoy it.

Morgan! Get me my lunch.

I'm not pregnant, so sushi and a 40, please!

So just your regular lunch?

Morgan? What happened to you?

Why are you in a wheelchair?

I was walking down the street with Dr. C.

There was a lot of traffic, and it was raining a little.

And I stepped on the curb,

and Dr. C turned to me and said,

"Your shoes are too squeaky.

"I want you to spend the rest of the day in a wheelchair."

What?

I'm so embarrassed. I feel like such a fool.

Ah... I actually... I found them in a field.

It's... It's like a high-pitched.

Get off! Ah! Ah!

Does Mindy know you're finding her a husband?

No, but since the father won't step up to the plate like Manny Ramirez,

we had to take the ball and run with it like Rob Gronkowski.

Come on, an arranged marriage? That's so...

That's so medieval.

We were an arranged marriage.

You were?

But you... You... You must have known each other

a little bit before, right?

Like seen each other at the festivals?

You know, when you push the...

The lantern in the water?

That's Japan. That's Japan.

The first time I saw her

was when I lifted her veil on our wedding day.

It was the happiest day of our lives.

All right. All right,

let's take a look at these guys.

Yeah, let's do it.

Hello, Mindy. You look happy.

Let me guess. There's a new pop song out

celebrating butt size.

Jason Derulo's Big Ol' Cheekies is the jam of the season.

And I am happy because my life is so great.

What do you want?

Oh, nothing. I was just

missing the smell of your dandruff shampoo.

Oh, my God!

Don't sniff me, you pedo!

You did not call me "pedo" on Thursday.

Well, actually you did,

but it was in a fun role-playing context.

Role-playing?

Oh, my God.

Are we sleeping together?

I'm not sleeping with you. I would never cheat on Danny.

I mean, my husband, Mitt. Matt.

Whoever. This person.

Damn it. I thought this reality was better.

Well, Mindy, I like to think that I exist

in multiple realities as well.

However, in this one, I can tell we are not

going to have sex, so I'm gonna go.

- What's going on with me? - I'm not a cheater.

The only thing I've ever cheated on was my vision test,

and that was a victimless crime.

Ow!

Damn it!

Why is there a chair here?

There's like a million chairs in this room.

Danny can't be right about me.

I have to confess to Matt.

Because I'm a good person,

and if he wants to break up with me,

I'll cash out with half his money.

Ooh, a dentist.

They can talk about being doctors. Fake doctor.

What do you think, Danny?

He's a decent man. Will Mindy like him?

Uh, makes a mid-five figures, doesn't drink,

listens to jazz. I hope he likes the outdoors,

'cause Mindy's gonna push him right off a bridge.

Next!

Danny, you haven't seemed to like any of these gentlemen.

This is Mindy we're talking about.

Is there a binder of white NBA players?

Our daughter is a 35-year-old pregnant woman

with a Bart Simpson tattoo.

If one of these men will marry her, who are we to say no?

Oh, maybe Danny is right.

Maybe this is a bad idea,

like Boston hosting the Olympics.

Mindy's too particular for arranged marriage.

Which raises the question,

maybe, just maybe, the fault isn't with Mindy,

but with the institution of marriage itself.

Get out of my way.

English! English!

I am Morgan, of House Tookers.

Morgan! Morgan!

Finally, we are together!

Like Peter Lawford and Joey Bishop.

You framed it.

Morgan, what are you doing here?

Thank God you're here. I've been looking all over for you.

I went to Pakistan first, big mistake.

The Taliban tried to recruit me.

Hey! It's great to see you. Can I talk to you?

No one's ever said that to me before.

Okay. What'd they say? Did you ask them yet?

- Ow! Ow! - I'll be right back.

Shh. Shh. Keep your voice down. Ow!

Hey, man. How about a hello?

How the hell did you find me?

Cousin Lou used to be a detective.

In a porno.

Right now, they're trying to push Mindy into an arranged marriage.

In there? They got a whole binder full of losers.

Oh, is it the Big Book of American Losers?

I'm on page 275.

Did you ask for Dr. L's hand? What did they say?

No, I'm not doing that, okay?

I came here to tell them I love her,

but I'm not built for marriage.

Okay, no, no. I'm sorry.

I did not use all of Dr. L's Marlboro points

to fly halfway across the globe,

tell the Taliban I would "Think about it,"

only to have you say yet again

you are not going to propose to the woman

that you knocked up.

"Oh, my feelings! My qualms!

I... "I have all these qualms!"

Hey, babe.

I have to tell you something very important

and it's been bothering me the whole day.

Ugh! These chips are terrible.

Whoa, babe, that's a bowl of seashells.

Oh.

Ooh! This reminds me.

I spoke to Andy.

And he is so pleased with my work on

Black vs. White,

he wants to move forward with our show.

Our show? Yeah, our reality show.

About you and me and our real lives,

our stresses and struggles, as you start your own business.

Wait, my fertility practice?

I don't know what that is. No, your company!

Delectable Desires.

Slutty girdles for the sexually active obese.

That's my company?

Okay, I'm sure my parents are going to be very proud about that.

No, no, just... Please. Matt, stop.

I have to tell you something. Of course. Babe,

if you can confess to me that you wrote a love letter to Mel Gibson,

you can tell me anything.

I slept with someone else.

And I don't know why I did it,

but I promise I'm not that kind of person.

Oh, that's it? That's the confession?

Yeah.

Well, babe. I mean...

So do I. I sleep with other people all the time.

We have an open relationship.

Ex-squeeze me?

Danny, this is the best Italian food I've ever eaten.

Tarun, thank you so much for this sweatshirt. I...

I love wearing it. I love the Sox.

You are most welcome.

Morgan, I can't believe you're not eating.

Honestly? It just... It looks really disgusting to me.

Like it was made with ulterior motives.

I'm just going to stick to my PB and naan.

I love it.

You know, I only cook like this for people I love.

That is so sweet, Danny.

Why can't our Mindy find someone like you?

Instead she gets taken advantage of by some creep.

Let me tell you something about the guy who knocked up your daughter.

He's literally the worst person I've ever met in my life.

And I was in a forced triple cell with the Menendez brothers.

Really? Didn't he float you five grand

so you could go to nurse practitioner's school?

Yeah, but did he come to my graduation party?

Nope!

It was just me by myself at the Rainforest Cafe.

A parrot laughed at me.

The waiter kept saying, "Sir..."

That's odd. We weren't expecting anyone.

Yeah, well, I was.

Who do you know in India? Who do I know in India?

Uh, well, for one, the dogs that stole my luggage,

and for two,

Dr. L's future husband.

I went through this binder and I found a real winner.

Oh, you did? And there he is right there.

We're in an open relationship?

Are you out of your mind?

You only check open relationship on Facebook as a joke!

Like, "I'm in an open relationship with chili fries!"

This was your idea!

Okay? We saw that Michael Fassbender movie.

You were like, "I'd love to have a three-way with that guy!"

And I was like, "I agree."

Yeah, but you're not supposed to agree with every stupid thing I say.

Danny would've been like, "Stop being a pervert.

"Take a walk around the block. Cool your loins."

Oh, Danny. Danny, your co-worker

who treats you like an idiot?

Well, you know what? Sometimes I am an idiot.

How are we supposed to explain

our open relationship to our kids?

Our kids? We're not having kids.

You said you'd rather have a recording studio

and a South Park pinball machine!

You know, I just can't believe you're doing this tonight.

Of all nights!

The one night my college roommate is in town.

I'm sorry, okay?

Wait, we weren't meeting him for group sex, were we?

No. We were meeting him for a nice dinner

and to reminisce.

Yes, we were going to have a three-way with him!

I don't even know you anymore.

They killed Kenny!

- I get it, universe. - I have to find Danny.

Now, Sendhil, it says here you love to dance.

I, myself, couldn't walk until I was 12.

Can you speak to that?

Hip-hop was my entire 20s.

I'd say a highlight was touring with Michael Jackson

and meeting the Queen.

Oh!

Mmm.

I'm a fairly accomplished dancer.

It's not exactly the most lucrative career.

How do you plan to support a family on that?

Oh, no, I run a hedge fund.

Oh! Yeah, when a man over 30 dances,

he only looks foolish.

Amen, brother.

Sendhil, you are such a catch. Uh-huh.

May I ask, why aren't you married?

Well, I was married.

Oh, you're divorced?

Thanks for playing, Sandal.

Too bad. Really thought you were the one. I'll walk you out.

You were divorced, right, Dr. C?

Uh, no. I was... I was annulled. It's totally different.

The same thing, I think.

I wish I was annulled.

Actually, I'm a widower.

My wife was swept away in a wave.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, sorry.

I think we got a winner right here.

Dr. L's new husband and my new best friend.

My main man! No, no, no.

He's not the husband. He's not the best friend.

What's wrong with him? Is it the way he's dressed?

Or the fact that he's rich, or has this

friggin' beautiful caramel skin?

Or is it that he wants to marry the old girl, sight unseen,

unlike some people that I know.

Okay, Morgan. Stop.

Right now. Okay, just stop. Danny,

we know you have high standards, but Sendhil is

far and away the best option Mindy has.

No. No, he isn't.

If not him, then who?

Yeah, Danny. If not him, then who?

Me.

I'm the father of Mindy's baby.

And you've come to ask for her hand?

Not exactly.

Come again?

How could you lie to us?

How could you lie to us?

I played Sudoku with you.

We talked about the Red Sox's middle relief problems.

Guess what? He hates the Red Sox.

He hates Tom Brady, too.

I don't hate him. I just think he's an ugly cheater.

Wait. Hold on. She's pregnant? You didn't tell me that.

Okay. She's a very sexually active 35-year-old woman,

who doesn't like the way condoms feel. What do you expect?

Thirty-five and pregnant?

You were trying to sell me a lemon!

Hey! Ex-squeeze me, sir,

did you just call my daughter a piece of sour fruit?

How dare you!

Our daughter is a sweet angel

that any man would be lucky to be with.

Of course you'd say that.

You're the people who taught her these loose morals.

You don't insult my family.

It is the greatest family in the world.

My daughter is a ray of light,

because this is her mother,

the premiere undiscovered

Bollywood character actress

in the Greater Boston area.

And Mindy is a brilliant doctor, because she takes after this man,

the best chemistry professor to walk the halls of Lesley College.

His office hours are poorly attended

because he teaches it right the first time.

Well, if she's so great, how come you won't marry her?

Those are my own stupid issues.

If I grew up seeing a marriage like this one,

I don't know, maybe I wouldn't have them.

Mindy is amazing.

Yes, she is.

And for the record, people would kill to be a Lahiri.

I'd kill a whole busload of people. You hear that?

Whew!

I'm sorry. That's the Taliban talking.

Now get out.

Hey, how come you needed my credit card information?

Now. Get out.

Danny, Danny.

Oh, thank God I found you. I need to talk to you.

It's very important.

Are you on a date right now?

Yes, I am. What are you doing here?

I am in a Sliding Doors for one freaking day,

and you are wining, dining

and potentially sixty-nining

with this random...

Oh, my God. Sorry.

Are you Freida Pinto?

Yes. You know, people tell me

that we look so much alike.

You must hear that too, right?

I don't think so. I don't see the resemblance, really.

Wait, were you ever featured in Cosmo

in their Fashion Fails section?

You look so familiar.

I was. I was, actually.

I had a camel toe in corduroy shorts.

So, she's not the only famous Indian woman here.

How do you two know each other?

Oh, I met Danny in spin class.

One day our quads touched... Oh, yes.

...on a very steep climb.

What a romantic story.

Hey, you know what'd be great? If I could just

talk to this guy and you could get the hell out of here.

Yeah, you should leave. Yeah, it's weird that you're still here.

I'm talking to you, Mindy.

No, I will not leave.

Okay, you know what? I have to talk to you,

so if you're not going to move...

I'm just going to seat myself. Help, Danny, she's killing me!

Okay, cut the theatrics, Pinto! Danny, she's so heavy!

Danny! No, I am not so heavy.

You're crushing her. If you ate more,

this wouldn't hurt so much.

Get off! You know what?

You are rude, you're a jerk,

and I'm not going anywhere. You know why?

'Cause I am pregnant with this man's baby.

What?

I know you're very angry, but I'm prepared

to make things right.

Now, how do you settle things in this country?

I'm going to have to cut off your hand.

- Oh, God, I knew it! - You knew it was a risk.

You knew it was a risk. You knew it. I knew it!

No, you idiot!

Have you not read a single book in your life?

Look, I... I'm sorry I insulted your arranged marriage.

I mean, you two have a very special relationship.

Looking back on my life... Stop.

As my son Rishi would say, "Get a grip, dude."

If you had put as much time into your relationship

as you do worrying about it,

I'd have six grandchildren by now.

Yes, go and take care of our daughter.

You can call it whatever you like.

Okay. Uh...

Thank you.

Probably see you guys during Brahmadon?

That's not anything.

Now you're not getting a farewell song.

Come on! No. No.

I didn't do it. It was him. It was me. It was me.

- Tarun? - Out. Out.

Okay.

Are you out of your mind? Danny,

I thought "be careful what you wish for"

was something that people said in books I've never read.

But it's happening to me!

I'm not supposed to be with Handsome Matt! This life is wrong.

There is no other life. This is it.

That's not true! I lived it!

Okay.

When we were on that plane coming back from LA,

you were supposed to follow me to the back and kiss me.

But you didn't.

Why didn't you kiss me?

I know you don't believe me,

but that's what was meant to happen.

You know I'm right. You know I'm right.

Why didn't you kiss me?

And then what?

Huh? What?

We date and you cheat on me like you cheat on your husband?

I would never cheat on you, Danny.

'Cause you're the one I'm supposed to be with.

Hey, don't do that.

No, no, no, no. This is crazy. This is crazy.

Uh... Take a walk around the block

and go cool your loins, okay?

See? That's why I need you!

Because you say annoying stuff like that, Danny.

You make me a better person

and I make you a better person. No, no, no, no.

You don't know what you're talking about. Okay, Mindy?

Just do me a favor. Go home. Go home.

You have a husband.

I don't want a husband! I want you!

Oh, God!

Oh, God. Oh! Hey. Hey, hey. You're okay.

You're just having a bad dream, babe.

It was so awful, my God.

It was like It's a Wonderful Life,

except it was in color and it wasn't boring.

You hated me.

You were dating Freida Pinto. She was such a bitch.

What?

I don't care if we're not married.

I just want to be with you, okay?

Me, too.

Ah! What the hell, man?

I was so worried and mad! Where have you been?

I was in India.

I was with your parents.

Oh, no. Did my mom sing?

A little bit, yeah.

I'm so sorry. I told them that I love you,

but I don't believe in marriage.

I know.

But when two strangers can meet on their wedding day

and still be in love 40 years later, maybe I'm wrong.

I'd like to be wrong.

Mindy Lahiri,

will you marry me?

Yes.

Yes, yes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll