All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S03E21 - Best Man (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda).eng

So now onto the
matter of Peter's wedding.

But we all can't take a week off
for the wedding of an ex-employee.

It's unprofessional.

Hello.
I want to play a game.

You're all going to die and then
I'm going to kill your families.

Oh, God. Ah! Ah!
Ah! God! Oh, my God!

Peter!

Did I do that?

What! That was so awesome.

I love that.
Hey.

Best guy.
Good to see you, pal.

How are you, man?

Peter? What are you doing here?
You look awful.

Oh, man. Did Lauren call off the wedding?
I knew it.

It's a lesson
for all of us, okay?

Next time, pick someone
in your own league. Right?

Yeah.

No, the wedding's going on. I just
signed her pre-nup yesterday.

Hey, screw the wedding. When's
the bachelor party, okay?

Are we going
white water rafting?

And if so, if I don't
have a swimsuit,

can I just wear my underpants?

I kind of had the
bachelor party yesterday.

And the festivities got
a little out of control.

Pube tried to kiss me and then
begged me not to get married.

So, I'm kind of in the
market for a new best man.

Oh, God.
Dr. Peter Prentice,

will you give me the honor of
letting me be your best man?

If I don't have a tuxedo,
can I wear my underpants?

Mindy, will you be my best man?

Wow! Peter,
I would be honored.

No. A best man that's
a girl? What's next?

Is the Maid of Honor
going to be a chair?

Thanks a lot, Ryan Murphy.

It's a big responsibility. You
gotta learn the best man dance.

Pube and I have had some
sweaty intimate rehearsals.

I feel like you've been sending
Pube some mixed messages.

I've only just now heard
of this tradition

and it's already the most
important one in my life.

Hey. Best Man.
Maid of Honor?

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Hey, sweetheart.

Hey, babe.

Do you know how I told you that my
parents are moving to India for a year?

Yeah, I said, "I guess even the
third world is better than Boston."

That's hilarious.

Well, we're actually having a going
away party for them in Boston.

Oh, yeah?

And I thought you
could come with me?

And you could finally meet them.

Wow, your mom and dad.

That's big.

Are you nervous?
No.

Aren't you excited

to meet the parents
of the little girl

whose innocence
you stole, you pedo?

Yeah. I am excited and, yes,
it's a little nerve-wracking.

They are going to love you
just as you are.

Yeah? Yeah, because
you're perfect.

Thanks, babe.
Okay. I can't wait.

Oh, and, um...

It might be a good idea
to bring my mom

a nice bottle of wine.

Absolutely.

And you could bring my dad
a cool non-fiction book?

Sure.
He loves reading.

Great.

And maybe like a rare
coin for Grandfather?

Terrific.

And don't bring up the Yankees

because my dad is
a big Red Sox fan.

Okay. Wine, coin, book,
no Yankees. Got it.

Oh, I have a procedure
Wednesday afternoon,

but I'll just come up to Boston after.
Is that okay?

Of course. I'm so
excited, sweetheart.

By the way, I love this new
scruff that you're rocking.

Oh, yeah?
Very sexy.

Thank you. I was just trying
something new, you know?

But when you meet my parents,

you should shave it off
because they will hate it.

Bye. I love you.

Women can't dance
and they're not funny.

I should be
Dr. P's best man.

Hey, I haven't gotten
your RSVP for the wedding.

Yeah, I can't make it,
buddy. I'm so sorry.

I've got a lot, a lot going on at
work and I have these new succulents

that are having real trouble
adjusting to their pots

so I'm just...
just totally busy.

You're not that busy. You're
taking a gift-wrapping class.

Hey, are we cool?

You know what?
We're actually not.

I'm still bumming out about the
best man thing, to be honest.

Not you. Never you.

I know things ended weird between you
and I with the whole Lauren thing

but it would really mean a lot to
me if you came to the wedding.

Peter, we're cool.
You know, I'm swamped.

I wish there was more to it but
you know that's it. That's it.

Yep.
Okay.

All right.

Hey, man. As a person who just received
his first invitation to an event,

I think you're making
a big mistake.

Hey, babe. Are
you at South Station?

I'll come and get you.

Okay, whatever you do, do not
talk to any white people.

In Boston, they're
the dangerous ones.

I'm still here at the hospital.

The procedure went late
and I missed my train.

Just take a later train. We can
spend the morning with my parents.

My dad can get us
into Fenway Park.

You can spit right on the field.

I gotta get home
and pack and shave.

I'll be up late anyway.

Some of the cousins are going
to watch Happy Gilmore.

Well, I guess I could
catch a flight,

but by the time I get
to LaGuardia, buy a ticket.

They always pull me
at the security line.

I don't know.

Does this... Does this really
make sense for tonight, babe?

You should stay in
and get some sleep.

Give my regards to your folks, okay?
Tell them I said hi.

Love you.
Love you.

Ooh, what's
he saying now?

He's doing a Schwarzenegger
impression, and it is really funny.

Really? Yeah. How's
your blood pressure?

Did you go see that new
doctor I recommended?

I don't understand why you can't
keep being my doctor in Texas?

Because I can't deliver your
baby over Skype, Mindy.

Now, promise me
you'll go see the doctor.

Fine.
Thank you.

But I will not have my crotch do
voices for her. That's for you.

Thank you.

Hey, babe?

Oh, what's up, Pete?

Hey, man. Can I talk
to you for sec?

Sure.

Sorry about
the party last night.

But I tell you this much, I got a
lot of sleep, so I'm a new Dan.

That's good.

I was thinking when your folks
get back, the baby will be here

and our home will be ready
that I could meet them then.

Mmm-hmm.
That sounds good.

Can I get their address? I want
to send them some flowers.

No, no, no.
Danny, don't. Please.

Flowers are a symbol
of death in India.

Really?
Yeah.

Okay. Well, that's definitely not
the message I want to give them.

What about candy or
fruit or something?

All symbols of death. It's
okay because I talked to them

and explained to them
that you were very tired

and that white men get more
tired than men of other races

and they totally understood
it and they're fine.

That's great. Because Sicilian men
need 10 hours of sleep anyways.

They sound like nice people.
I love you.

Love you.
Later, Pete.

Hey! Take it easy.

So what's that lie about now?
Hmm?

Oh, my God. Do you
not have parents?

Were you raised like Mowgli
from The Jungle Book?

I think I've seen you eat bugs.

That was one time, and of
course I have parents.

Just, I don't want Danny
to contact them

because my parents don't
know that Danny exists.

What do you mean your
parents don't know Danny exists?

They know he exists, Peter.
Uh-huh.

As my co-worker. Just not as my
boyfriend or the father of my baby.

Oh, my God.
Do they know about me?

Do they think I'm cool? You know what,
that... that's not important right now.

What were you going to do when Danny
showed up to your parent's party?

Well, that was when I was going
to come clean and introduce him.

Why would you lie like that?

When I found out I was pregnant,

I wasn't even sure that Danny and
I were going to stay together.

Eight months ago, he had a problem with
me leaving a toothbrush at his place.

Yeah.
But now he's all in.

He's even practicing jogging
while pushing a stroller.

I thought he was all in,
but then...

I invited him to come up to
Boston to meet my parents

before they leave for a year
and he bailed on that.

And I would end
my best man speech with,

"Lauren, Peter, together you can do
anything. Even walk on the moon."

Oh!

I don't think you're going to get to
be best man through talent, Morgan.

Mmm. So, why don't you win
him over the same way

you got me to go on
a date with you?

Cry like a baby
until he says yes.

Yes!

You've done a lot of immoral
stuff, but this is the worst.

Shh. Keep your voice down.
I don't want Danny to hear.

If it wasn't Danny who got
you pregnant? Who did?

Just some guy I dated and he's
not in the picture anymore.

Danny's going to freak out.

I know, that's why you cannot tell him.
You have to promise me.

Morgan?
What are you doing?

Watching my entire world
crumble around me.

Okay.

Mindy, you have to tell him.
Because this is not cool

and more importantly, when
your heart is filled with lies

it makes it difficult for your
feet to be light with dance.

Now, let's go. We have a
best man dance to learn.

And you need to see that
doctor I told you about.

Okay.

Hello. My name is
Dr. Ludmila Trapeznikov.

It is great honor for me to
care for you in pregnancy.

Oh. Thank you. Peter
speaks very highly of you.

Peter. Peter is
my favorite Jew.

He's my favorite Jew, as well.

Yes. You are high risk
because of, uh,

how you say, fat, and much age.

Hey, man, I know you just moved
here from like the Urkraig

or whatever, but in this
country when you call a woman

fat and old,
it's considered rude.

I mean not be rude.

Where I come from, this is compliment.
You not understand.

Fat, like big, happy,
fat, lots of meat,

for the baby, this mansion you gave.
You are pregnant? Yes?

I am going to Texas
for a wedding

and I need to know if I can
ride the mechanical bull?

No, no, no.
Mindichka,

you have
pre-eclampsia.

You no ride nothing.
No bull. No man.

And no fly nowhere till
babishka is pushed out.

Is my blood pressure that high?

Yes. You see
these numbers?

It went around. Tried to
go another time, broke.

I don't know how I'm going to tell
Peter that I can't be his best man.

You are a man!

Oh, now this makes
so much more sense.

Yes. Yes.

Hey, Danny, can we not
stay here too long.

There's actually something that
I wanted to talk to you about.

It's going to take as long
as it's going to take, okay?

Can you just be quiet
for once in your life?

You know, Cookie from Empire
says, "No man hushes me,"

and I'm like her.
Okay? So...

Why is Beverly's chopper here?

That's not Beverly's chopper.
Oh, no.

Surprise!

Oh, my God.
What's happening?

It's a surprise
baby shower, dum-dum.

Get your head in the game.

A onesie that says,
"feminist." I love it.

I thought it would be
empowering for him.

Yeah, no, I love it for like
pajamas around the house.

I don't think I like that
for him right now.

Thank you so much, Tamra.

What? That's a
onesie from Tamra.

The gifts have
been so thoughtful

with the exception of the edible
underwear that Beverly gave me.

I can only assume she thought
this was a bridal shower.

Just 'cause you're a mom doesn't
mean you can't look good, babe.

Edible... You don't
have to write that.

I'm not going to send a
thank you note for that.

I also want to just say
that it's been wonderful

being around
all of my loved ones

and Annette's walking group
and her mailwoman, Regina.

Mindy, you know, I tried to
invite your side of the family,

but Danny didn't know how
to get in touch with them.

Annette, don't pry. Maybe
she's from a broken home.

Guys, come on.
Give Mindy a break.

Her parents are probably in India
somewhere naming a goat after our son.

Well, why don't we just see exactly
what they're doing right now?

What do you mean, "What
they're doing right now?"

It's a surprise for Mindy
and her parents.

I talked to your brother Rishi

and I got your parents'
email address

so they could join us
in a video chat.

What?
What?

Why'd you do that, Mom? Oh, no. You
know what? They're very shy so...

Oh, God. Oh, no, no. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Shut the laptop.
I've got something to say.

Guys, Morgan's here and
he has something to say.

Thank you.
Go ahead.

This shower is a lie.
Their relationship is a lie.

The father of that baby is
one of these men behind me.

Yeah.
They're all here, baby.

All of these men, and
one of them is the dad.

What?

Do you recognize any of these penises?
Take them out.

Morgan, what the hell's
going on here?

Who are all these men? And
why are they all white?

Because I heard this one tell Dr.
Prentice that you're not the real father

and it's just some random
guy that she dated.

Oh, Morgan, what have you done?

I used my extensive knowledge of your
sexual history and the plot of Mamma Mia

and several thousand
dollars of my savings

to wrangle the four
of your ex-boyfriends

that I find the sexiest to find
out which one is the father.

That's right.
The gang's all here.

The Manhattan Meat Train.
I give you Josh. Jamie.

Hey.
Casey.

What's up?
Eric.

Lee.
Lee. It's Lee.

And you're going to take this
rose and you're going to put it

in the hand of the man
that knocked you up.

I'm not going to do that.

Can I get reimbursed
for the flower?

Come on, man.

I'm sorry. Hey, Mindy, I know it's been
a minute since I've been all up in it,

but I want to be
in my son's life.

I want to provide tight
kicks for his little feet.

Just stop. Stop.
Everyone stop.

None of you guys are the father.
Danny is the father, of course.

Yes. No kidding
I'm the father.

Morgan, why would
you even think that?

He thinks that because my
parents don't know that.

What?

My parents don't know
that you exist.

What are you talking about?

Hey, I, uh...

I'm so sorry. I'm confused.
So, I'm not the dad?

Okay, good. Because I have a genetic
condition that you guys would...

You would find chilling.

No. Can we go talk
about this in private?

Why don't your parents
know about me?

I was going to introduce you at the
party, but then you never came.

Well, I would have come
if I knew I didn't exist.

It shouldn't take that much for you
to want to come and meet them.

I met your family because I
knew it was important to you.

I was excited to meet them.

Yeah, I thought you thought
Ma and Dot were cool.

Of course they're not cool.
Danny, look at those vests.

They're reversible.
Inside there's birds.

Danny, you couldn't
meet my parents once

when they are going away
to India for an entire year.

Do you know how many of these
guys have met my folks?

I went on a walking tour
of Little Italy with them.

Remember every single second of
it because I was high on crystal.

Is that why you peed yourself?

That is why I peed myself.
Great.

Amantes sunt amentes. Am I right?
I'm sorry. Was that Latin?

I'm a Classics professor at Columbia
University and I don't even know I'm doing it.

"Lovers are lunatics."

I'd love to sit down and
pick your brain sometime.

Absolutely.

You know what, Danny?
I'm 34 years old.

I cannot introduce my
parents to yet another guy

and have it not work out,

especially now when I have
so much more to lose.

Dr. C, do I feel bad about what I
did here today? Yeah, sure I do.

You should have gone to
meet her parents, dude.

Danny, why didn't you just go?

The procedure went late, okay?

The party was in Boston.
Ma, I had to shave, okay?

You clearly didn't shave, Danny.

Yeah, no. Okay, fine. You
want to know why I didn't go?

Here's why I didn't go.
Because I was afraid

that your parents were going to
ask us why we weren't married.

That's why I didn't go.

So what's the big deal? You're
going to get married eventually.

I don't know if we have to.
I don't know if I want to.

You don't?

No, I don't know.

I love you, but I don't know.

I... I just don't know
about marriage.

Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's just talk about this.

No. Don't. No. I don't
want to talk about it.

Hey.

Since when do you not
want to get married?

I don't know.

A while now,
I guess. Uh...

Since I got divorced.

Well, you proposed to me when you
found out that I was pregnant.

Because I thought it was
the right thing to do,

because I want you to know I'm committed
to you, Mindy, and this baby.

And then you said...

You didn't want to do it and I got
to be honest, I was relieved.

Yeah, but I never said I
never wanted to get married.

I just wanted you to propose

because you love me,
not out of obligation.

Come on, you know I love you. I love you.
Of course, I love you.

Okay, fine. Then, Danny, I want you
to love me in a way that I can show

on Instagram because
that's what I'm like.

It's not weird to want your
boyfriend to get down on one knee

and to meet your parents
and to get you a ring.

I'll get you a ring,
if that's what you want.

I'll get you 10 rings.
I'll get you 20 rings.

I don't care about the ring.

Look, I've done it. I've been
married and it didn't go so well.

It means...

It just... Marriage means nothing.
It means something to me.

I... How do you know it
wouldn't go well with us?

Why do I not get to try it out?

Look, I love you so much.

I know you love me,
but it's not fair.

I'll tell you, besides
those guys showing up,

I thought the party went really well.
Don't you think?

Why are you slamming
these dishes around?

Please don't be mad at Mindy.

In her culture, they
don't have baby showers.

With the overpopulation, they
never get anything done.

I'm not mad at Mindy.
I'm mad at myself

for letting my lousy marriage
completely mess up my son.

What are you talking about?

I'm not messed up.
I'm doing great, Mommy.

All these years I thought,
"Wow, I am so lucky.

"He's been through so much and
it didn't even affect him."

But it did.

You were always grouchy
and now you're cynical.

I'm not cynical.
You are.

You think everything's going to end badly
so you don't even take chances anymore.

I'm just realistic, Ma.

I don't believe in fairy tales.

Oh, no?
No.

Well, then you really picked
the wrong girl to knock up.

When you married Dad,

you thought he was the greatest
person in the world, right?

Yes, yes, yes. When I got
married to Christina,

I thought she was the greatest
person in the world and now what?

We hate them both, Ma.

We hate them. I don't want to end
up looking at Mindy that way, okay?

I don't want to split up from
her and not live with my son

and have him feel
like I felt, alone.

I don't want that, okay?

That's what marriage is, Ma. I'm sorry.
But that's what marriage is.

It's okay, Danny.
It's okay.

Danny, maybe the problem
isn't marriage.

Maybe the problem is we picked
people who didn't deserve it.

"Dear Mom and Dad.
I need to tell you something.

"Do you remember
Danny Castellano from work?

"The one I used to complain
about all the time?

"Well, he's the father
of my baby.

"I wanted to introduce you, but only when
he and I had figured out our situation.

"But we haven't and I don't
know if we ever will.

"Today I realized, even if we don't stay
together, I am certain of a few things.

"He's the best man
I've ever dated.

"And he's become the most
important person in my life

"besides you two and the baby.

"And most importantly
he will be a great dad. "

Hey, Morgan.
How's the wedding?

Really freaking bad.

You know what?
You got some nerve, lady.

How are you mad at me?
I'm still mad at you.

When you bailed I thought I
was going to be the best man,

but then guess who showed up?

Dr. Reed and he's doing
the best man dance!

And guess what?
It's freaking beautiful.

How did he
learn it so fast?

I don't know! But they
were born to dance together.

Very moving stuff. It's better
than anything I could have done,

but damn it, that should
have been me up there.

And the worst part is, Dr. C's
not here to keep me company.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait.
Danny's not at the wedding?

Then where is he?

Ladies and gentlemen, we are starting
our descent into Chhatrapati Shivaji

International Airport in Mumbai.

Hi. I'm Danny Castellano,

and I'm in love
with your daughter.

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