Original subtitles

Hey, babe, what do you want in your panini?

Hmm, preferably another panini if possible.

I don't know if your press can handle that?

Can my press not handle it?

Of course my press can handle it.

This is a restaurant model.

I should not have gotten you that press for Christmas, my God.

What's that big fancy letter?

It's from Texas. Oh, you know what I bet it is?

Hmm? A thank you note from George W. Bush for

buying one of his paintings.

Oh, yeah?

"To my closest bros and hos,

"you are cordially invited to the most epic wedding of the century..."

Mine! That's right, amigos, your "bwaby bwoy" did it.

I finally wore Lauren down and she's going to be my wife!

When? Saturday, March 28th. 6:00 pm until blackout o'clock.

Where? Lauren's family's ranch.

Turns out she's loaded!

Her family's cattle farm is inhumane but profitable. Score!

We are registered at my weed dealer's website.

No, we are not.

JK, JK, JK, JK.

Much better.

"Please sext your RSVP."

What?

We're going, right?

Unbelievable.

Damn it, Danny! None of my clothes fit anymore!

This is the fattest I've ever been.

And this is coming from a girl who in middle school

had a chocolate fountain in her bedroom.

Babe, come on. You're pregnant.

You got a great glow.

Please,

do not start with the pregnant lady glow.

That's all made up, you know?

And do not call me radiant.

If one more person calls me freaking radiant,

I'm gonna kill someone.

Okay. Okay?

This isn't a glow. This is sweat from exertion

from trying to pull these jeans over my fat ass.

You know what? I know what would make you feel sexy. Yeah?

We haven't taken the D-train

to Seduction Junction in a while.

Oh...

No, Danny, I'm not in the mood.

You're not in the mood?

You're always in the mood, no matter what.

I mean after we watched Schindler's List,

you were like really in the mood.

How about this?

That's a sleeping bag.

You were with me when I bought that at Target.

It's hot? No?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. A tracksuit? That's my look!

What, are you trying to Single White Female me?

No. This tracksuit is the only thing

that fits me in my current state.

I think it's unprofessional.

I hear ya, sister.

'Cause, I don't know if you guys have noticed,

I've put on a little bit of weight

since I started dating my girlfriend, Jessica.

You know, it's so funny when you have a girlfriend,

all you want to do is watch a chick flick

and then your girlfriend comes home and goes,

"Morgan, you fat son of a bitch. Get up and..."

Oh, we get it, Morgan.

I didn't call this meeting so everyone

can rub their girlfriends in my face!

I called it because we

need a new staff photo.

Oh, yeah.

What? What's wrong with that photo? I look so skinny in it.

Half these people don't even work here anymore.

I, for one, am sick of staring at

the insufferable smug faces of our ex-colleagues.

Is this because Dr. P is marrying your girlfriend?

No, that's ridiculous. Also, I'm not in the photo.

Eh, it's probably for the best.

Well, anyway, prepare your best American smiles. Harry?

- Wait! What? - Harry!

What's up, Harry? What's up, man?

What the hell, man?

Get that thing away from me.

I can't be photographed like this.

Whoa. I need time, Jeremy, all right?

I need to get my hair dyed. I need to get a colonic.

I need to get tasteful cheek implants if there's time.

Min, pregnant women can't do that.

The kid will come out glow-in-the-dark!

Oh, wait, my skinny dress is at the cleaners!

Can we just wait so I can go pick that up?

It makes me look hot, no matter what.

Fine. We'll do it tomorrow. Harry, I'm so sorry about this.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, woman. Thank you so much for moving me back east

to help out with the new practice.

I'm just setting up my new reception desk.

You don't mind if I sell my rap demos there, right?

Absolutely not. Rishi,

you cannot sell your single, Ho, It Ain't Mine,

at my women's fertility clinic. Okay.

Wait, wait. Before you go...

Do I look gross?

Oh... I don't know...

I mean, I knew you when you had a perm and overalls on

and that was nasty, so...

You look better than that.

Hello.

Uh, hell no! Ugh...

Sorry, Dr. L, I couldn't help but overhear.

If you're trying to look good,

my cousin Sheena is an aspiring personal stylist.

I'm just going to wait for my skinny dress

to come back from the from the dry cleaners.

You should think about it.

Sheena made my next door neighbor look

hella sexy at her retirement party

and my next door neighbor has to be weighed at a zoo.

Damn it, Tamra. I can still be weighed on a human scale.

Think about it.

- Morning, chums. - Hey.

How would the two of you care to accompany me

to a singles pajama party

that my friend is throwing tonight? Ooh.

Ah, tonight I can't. Ray and I are putting in wiring

in the brownstone that I'm renovating.

Ah... I would love to go to a singles mixer

but I don't know if you heard

I have a girlfriend right now?

You're both coming!

Okay? How about that?

You're helping me find a girlfriend.

I'm sick of it, guys.

I'm sick of being the office pushover

who just turns up to everybody else's stuff

and allows his colleagues to marry his girlfriend.

Well, that's it! No more!

From now on, I'm aggressive and I'm confident.

I'm an all-new Jeremy.

You can call me...

Jer.

Okay, Jer. Jer!

Wonderful! Then I will see you both tonight at the singles pajama party!

All right, Jer-Bear.

I mean Jer. Jer.

Oh!

Oh, my sweet dress!

Ooh.

Hubba-hubba, foxy lady.

Oh, God.

I know you think you're a big, fat, pregnant monster, Dr. L.

But pregnancy is weird for all women.

My mom actually lost weight when she was pregnant with me.

Cool origin story.

Hey, we need to start the beautification process.

On the way over here someone called me "Sir"

and another person said, "Hey, big guy." Dang.

Where is your cousin?

Somebody looking for Cousin Sheena?

Oh, my God. Where did you come from?

In a sense, I've always been here.

What? She's messing with you.

She snuck in while you were in the bathroom.

So Tamra tells me you pregnant.

You need to be careful.

Babies are shady.

They'll steal your youth and beauty and keep it for their own damn self.

Well, that ship has sailed, Cousin Sheena!

Where were you three months ago?

On a cruise.

It's not just the photo.

I don't even want to have sex with my boyfriend.

How long has it been?

Two weeks.

Oh!

Okay...

Tamra, get me my juice!

It's not just that.

I don't feel confident anymore.

You want to know what happened yesterday?

My butt knocked over an aquarium.

Mindy, confidence comes from...

From within. Yeah, I know.

Within?

Who the hell told you that?

Confidence comes from amazing outfits and perfect makeup.

Listen to her, Dr. L, she's the expert.

She had to overcome a lot to be the beautiful woman she is today.

Oh yeah, like what?

Having too hot a face and body? Come on.

Ripped By mstoll

Well, well, well. A lot of fit birds here...

Time for Jer to make his move.

I mean, this is dumb. Adults shouldn't have to put on pajamas to meet each other.

They should just let their parents introduce them to their second cousin.

You know someone who has the same values they do.

I love...

Jessica?

Oh boy. That's Jessica.

Um. Oh, man.

What? What? No, no, no.

What do you mean, "No, no, no?" It's not bad.

No, you're right. It's not bad. Maybe it's like her,

like, really hot brother, you know?

Hey. Okay.

What? Can you go over there and just kind of

suss out the situation?

Just give me just a good sussing. No, no, Morgan...

Suss it for me! I don't want to suss it.

I didn't even want to come here in the first place.

You hooked us up. This is your responsibility.

You have to make sure that her and I are together forever

until we are two skeletons holding hands in a couple's grave.

Please. Please.

Okay, fine.

Thank you. Okay. Fine. I'll go.

Just be cool. I'm going to be here.

Hey, what's up, Jess? Oh, hey, Danny.

How you doing? Morgan isn't here, is he?

Uh, Morgan? Yeah, I saw him, I saw him around. Oh, cool.

He's hanging out.

Everything all right with you guys? Mmm-hmm.

Great. No. To tell you the truth, I'm actually...

Thinking of breaking up with him.

This is going to sound awful, but he's really let himself go.

Really? I didn't even notice that!

Yeah, he's gained like 30 pounds. Wow.

He brings turkey legs to bed with him.

Jess, don't break up with him, okay?

Because... Because?

Because Jeremy's gonna fire him tomorrow.

What? Yeah, he's firing him.

Maybe I should wait. Yeah.

You know, sleep on it for a while.

Okay, now tell me what you see.

Two hot black girls and a fat load in a tracksuit.

That's cold. Now if the person in the mirror was your best friend?

Would you be as mean to her as you're being to yourself?

No.

Well, I got news for you.

You are talking to your best friend.

You.

Damn.

Sheena, you're deep as hell.

I know.

I used to work in a bookstore

and I read a sentence out of every single one of them books.

Now, let's get to work. Strike a pose.

Okay. That gets an A. Really?

A complete disaster!

Okay. Well, I think you could have just said F, then.

You know what? Let's just not do this anymore.

I'm just going to look bad in the photo

and I'll never have sex again.

You look fine.

It's your attitude that's terrible.

Now, we all have insecurities we need to get over.

But you need to own it

and be as confident and as beautiful as any other bitch in the room.

Yeah. I can be as confident as any other bitch in the room.

Tamra, go down to my car and get me... Veronica.

Veronica's a pushup bra.

Let me show you how it's done. Okay.

Bam! Bam!

Now don't try this, that baby will pop right out of you.

Mmm! I'm owning it. Owning it.

Ah!

Strange thing is in England it just means cigarette,

but here it's a hate term.

That's so cool and funny.

Hey, lady, watch out!

Excuse me. Hello. I am the next-door neighbor.

Oh, good, you're in your pajamas. Time for bed!

I've already called the cops.

This party is over now.

I'm shutting it down.

Boo! Is that garbage? You're garbage!

Excuse me, is there any way we could just turn the music down?

It's just I've kind of come to meet somebody and...

Oh, did you make a friend? Tough luck, King's Speech.

I have to wake up at 3:00 a.m. With the European markets,

so unless any of you know how to stabilize the Norwegian Kroner then...

What if have you thought...

I said Kroner, not cronut. Okay?

All of you have to go right now.

Closing time! Bye. Come on.

Sorry, Jer.

You know, I know a widow at my church.

Ooh, widow.

She doesn't speak any English but menopause has really brought out her inner beauty.

No, Danny! I don't want your mustachioed widow.

How'd you know she had a mustache?

How dare she throw us out?

You know, Old Jeremy, he would have gone home and taken it out on his pottery wheel.

But Jer,

he stands up for himself.

Okay.

She's getting a strongly worded note!

Hey, babe.

Hey, sweetheart.

Why don't you come into the bedroom? I have a little surprise for you.

I'll give you a hint.

It's curvy, soft, brown, but it's not a chocolate Santa.

Ooh-la-la.

Daddy likey.

Come here, bad boy.

Oh...

Are you laughing at me?

Danny, I am trying to be sexy for you

and you're laughing at me?

I... No. It's funny. I mean, it's nice.

You are the worst.

I'm sorry. No, I'm not... I'm...

What are you doing?

Do you need help there, sweetheart?

I'm fine.

You okay? No, I'm not okay.

Don't follow me in here. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Mindy!

Don't change it. Come on.

Come on. I really like that thing. It looks like slutty Spider-Man.

What?

I don't need you to try to be sexy for me.

I like how you look. I just want to have sex!

I am very pent up and I'm saying crazy things.

I'm so happy, Danny, that you would have sex with anything,

even me!

What? Babe, I know you're not feeling it right now.

But eventually you're going to lose the weight and you're going to look great.

Will I? Since I was 15 years old I've been saying,

"I'll lose weight and feel great."

I don't know if it's going to happen, Danny.

It never has before.

I mean, I guess there was that one time on spring break

when I accidently had that Cancun puddle water. Ugh...

But that doesn't count. It was diarrhea weight.

Mindy, I don't care what you look like.

To me, you're always beautiful

and that outfit right now,

you should put that back on. That was really hot.

Danny, I care what I look like.

And it doesn't help that I'm dating someone who's so much better-looking than me.

What? What are you talking about?

That's not true. It is true!

And now I'm pregnant and it's just gonna get worse!

No. Yes, and you're going to get hotter and hotter

like George Clooney,

and I'm going to get fatter and fatter like Rosemary Clooney!

Excuse me,

Rosemary Clooney, she's very sexy, Mindy.

Did you ever listen to Mambo Italiano?

That is a hot song, babe.

You want me to put it on?

I just want to sleep.

Maybe in my dream I'll be skinny. Okay, fine.

Dr. L, what's up? Why are you back in the tracksuit?

Look, I appreciate what you and Sheena were trying to do for me,

but it's hopeless.

When Danny saw me last night, he laughed.

And you presented yourself for sex?

No. It is never okay for a man to laugh at a woman.

I don't care if he's at a Mo'Nique show,

he better politely smile and nod!

I had a back wedgie and a front wedgie.

Uh-uh. This is sexist. It's... Everybody,

chop-chop. Come on. The photographer's here!

I'm going to opt out of the photo.

Mindy, you're coming, okay?

Put down the pie and let's go.

What are we waiting for?

I got something bleached for this.

I'll be in the picture, Dr. Reed, but not if this man is.

Why are you mad at me?

For the last time, I didn't call you sister.

I said you look like Sister Joyce from church!

Everybody's going to be in this photo whether they like it or not!

Who are we waiting for? I got something bleached for this.

You already said that!

Well, I guess I'm not in the staff photo!

What now?

Dr. C told Jessica that you were going to fire me!

And then she dumped me.

If I didn't fire you for kissing that baby before it was fully out,

I'm not going to fire you now. Thank you.

Why did she break up with you?

She wasn't supposed to do that.

What the hell are you talking about?

Look, I told Jessica that Jeremy was going to fire you

because she was gonna dump you.

I was just trying to buy you some time.

Why would she dump me?

Was she intimidated by my intelle-gunce?

Who knows? Maybe.

Wait! Danny's lying!

His lips are poutier than normal when he lies.

What? Can I talk to you alone in my office?

No, you cannot!

Fine. Jessica said she was going to break up with you...

Because you were gaining weight.

What the hell are you talking about, dude?

Well, you have been getting a little heavy, right?

What? What?

- What? - Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- No, sir. - You have some nerve

fat-shaming Morgan for being fat.

I'm just the messenger! Why is everybody yelling at me right now?

You know what? I knew this was going to happen

because Jessica's a hot doctor and I'm just some fat slob

who lost his life savings to a teenage grifter

who said he could cast spells.

Never play above the rim is what No.

It's been an important lesson. Thank you Morgan, no. Don't...

We cannot let the Dannys and the Jessicas of the world make us feel less-than

just because we don't have thigh gaps!

I actually do have one of those.

That's obviously not true.

We're out of here.

Mindy? Mindy. Morgan?

I guess the photo's not happening.

I'm sorry, guys. I wasn't fat-shaming anyone.

Dr. Reed, can I ask you a question?

I need to take this year off.

No more questions today, Beverly.

Well, I have a question... Who the hell do you think you are?

Got your little note.

"You have the manners of a Blackpool dock job."

What the hell does that even mean?

It's like a Tynemouth stevedore... Only ruder.

I'm nothing like a stevedore.

Good shot.

You're going to apologize to me right now.

I will not.

If you'll look to the bottom of the note, you would see that it says, "Good day."

Good day.

Don't let him talk to you like that, Dr. L.

Excuse me.

You can't talk to me like that.

I am the highest female earner on Wall Street, non-Jewish!

Excuse me. I have a delivery.

That's too bad. Because I have more yelling to do!

Well, you're not wasting any more of my workday.

But you can meet me for dinner tonight. Fine!

I'll pick you up at 8:00!

No! I will pick you up at 8:00!

Fine!

Fine.

My God, Jer, you've done it!

Oh, boy. How dare you laugh

at your beautiful, pregnant girlfriend?

You should be worshiping the ground her swollen feet stomp on!

Cool it, T.

That's your boss.

Yeah, I'm your boss.

But he's not mine. Oh.

Mine is Mr. Reyes at the limo company.

I don't know him.

You better make things right with Mindy

or I will devastate your self-confidence.

She ain't playing, Dr. C!

Sheena tears people down just as good as she builds them up!

She made Chris Christie cry at a parade.

I tell Mindy she's beautiful all the time, but she doesn't believe me.

A real man makes her believe it.

She's building a whole baby in there,

making her feel pretty is your only damn job!

Okay. Well, how do I do it?

Tonight, I want you to look her in her eye

and tell her the most beautiful thing about her.

Like this.

Danny. You're a beautiful man. Yeah?

Thank you so much.

But the most beautiful thing about you is your heart.

Oh, God. That's good.

That's real good.

I'm done.

Bye, Felicia.

No, don't give me the, "Bye, Felicia."

Oh! Okay, Jessica.

Jessica, we need to talk! Oh! Whoa.

Hey, you know what? I thought you got your hoarding under control.

What? What are you talking about?

This is just stuff that I really need.

Hey, why are you guys wearing matching tracksuits?

What? No, we're not.

You like it? I thought it could be fun.

Are you kidding? We came here to make an impression.

Okay, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

You cannot just break up with someone because he got fat.

Fat-boned. Sorry.

Hey, Mindy, are you okay? You don't look so good.

Oh, no, you did not.

Now you made her mad.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop!

Not my coaxial cables. Ah!

Well, there's more where that came from, sister.

Oh, what? So, because I'm a hoarder

I have to put up with someone who, let's be honest,

has become a little bit of a tub.

Oh! Oh! Oh, you did not!

Oh! Ah! Oh, God. It hurts so much.

You know what else?

No, no, no! Not my old candy wrappers.

You cherish these?

Say goodbye! Ah!

Okay, we'll get back together!

Okay, okay! We'll get back together.

Whatever it takes. Please, Mindy, just stop!

So now you want to get back together, huh?

Guess what? You can't.

Because he doesn't want you back. No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, I do. We can. We're back in love! It's all fine.

No, no, you're not! This was a wash.

You know what, Jessica? Morgan might not be perfect,

and he might never be perfect, but he's a good guy.

He's a caring guy.

He's healthy and...

Well, not really healthy. I have this wound on my gut that won't close up.

The point is, he's beautiful and he's strong.

Even if he, himself, can't see it right now.

God. How can I say this about Morgan,

who's basically a lowly dirt man,

but I can't say it about myself?

Sheena was right.

I'm sorry, am I beautiful or am I a dirt man?

Which one is it? Why did I get so mad at Danny?

How are you not answering?

You know, he never tried to judge me or break up with me.

He just told me he loved me no matter what.

You know what, you guys, just go.

Hasta la vista.

Hasta la vista.

Hey, babe. I left a little early. Made some dinner for us.

God, you're so nice.

Hey, I want to apologize to you for acting so crazy.

It was wrong of me to be angry with you.

I realized the only person that can make you feel better about yourself... Is yourself.

Or, like, a gay hairdresser named LaChiquito, but,

I mean, how would I even find that guy? No.

A real man makes his woman feel beautiful.

Ooh, I like how urban you're being right now.

And the thing that's most beautiful about you is your confidence.

Really? Yeah.

Because everyone I've ever met says it's the most annoying thing about me.

For me, I mean, I don't know, maybe I'm crazy,

but it really turns me on.

Well,

I'm not going to say that I'm prettier than Gisele,

but there is a quality in my face that I think is kind of more appealing.

There it is. I like that.

And I'm really smart at the news.

Yeah, you are. I can tell you all about Iraq

and Iran-istan.

Shut up. Shut up. It's just no one asks me because

they think I'm too cute.

Harry, is it okay if Mindy and I,

we just we hang out over here for the picture?

Sure. And I thought it would be kind of cool

if he held my breasts like Janet Jackson. Okay.

Harry, I'm just going to kind of

linger in the back, okay?

I'm a little self-conscious about my body.

I think you look good.

Fat guys are sexy.

They keep you warm in the wintertime

and make big cannonball splashes in the summer.

Harry! Harry! Harry! I am so sorry.

Wait, if you'll excuse me.

Aw! Mmm! There he is.

You doing that walk of shame?

Okay, yes, Tamra.

And Jer has never been happier.

Harry, take the photo!

Oh, I had my eyes closed.

Try it again.

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