All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S03E19 - Confessions of a Catho-holic (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda).eng

Bless me Father
for I have sinned.

I know I haven't been in here in a while,
so I've got some serious confessing to do.

Is it the masturbating again?

No, no, it's not that.

Okay, here we go.

I screened a phone call from Ma,

I coveted my butcher's
Mean Streets poster,

I knocked up my
live-in girlfriend,

I used the Lord's name in vain.

Wait, wait, what...
What was that one before?

The Mean Streets poster?
No, after that.

Okay, I engaged in sex
of the premarital persuasion

but it wasn't my fault.

I was... I was under a spell
of this exotic sorceress.

I mean, she wears
all these bright colors

and she uses all this
R-rated language

and the next thing
you know, Father,

we are going at it in bed.

This accidentally happened
a couple hundred times

and then the Lord finally punished
us with the precious gift of life.

But hey, you know, it proves I wasn't
using protection, right, Father?

Father?

Oh, God!

Okay,
first order of business.

Mindy, if you want to
change the screen saver

on all the computers
to your sonogram,

there's a form for that.

First of all, how dare you

insult my unborn son's
first tasteful nudes.

Come on, man.

Second of all, I didn't
do that. Danny did.

He's like, obsessed
with being a dad.

I just want to say congratulations.
You're having a boy.

Yes, biologically, she is a boy,

but who knows what she will identify with.
I could still win.

Okay, so now some
personal business.

My one-man-show
has been accepted

into the midtown
Fringe Festival.

Stop it. Stop it.

Anyway, the show is about
a young, mousey boy

who escapes to the United
States for a better life.

And maybe has a couple of
adventures along the way.

So, you're basically Fievel?

I don't know who that is.

What's the name of your play?
An American Tale.

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't go,

um, because I really
don't want to go.

See, this is the problem with this country.
No respect for the arts.

That's why you have to
come crawling to us

for your Lincolns
and your Batmans.

I just killed my priest.

Okay, fine,

he doesn't have to come.

This is all our fault.

I was confessing to
Father Francis

and his heart couldn't take it.

Wait, that's what happened? Yes.

Okay, Danny, I think you're
being a little theatrical.

There's going to be
a memorial service.

Will you come with me?

To church?
Yeah.

You killed someone now I
have to die of boredom?

Look, Father Francis
never absolved me.

Now I have to confess to the new priest
or when I die I won't get into heaven.

Besides, don't you want to meet the
guy that's going to baptize our baby?

Who says he's
going to get baptized?

I kind of want to raise him Jewish
so he can get ahead in life.

Mindy, please. Church is
really important to me

and I want you
to be a part of it.

You are so adorable
when you're anxious.

Yes, I will come with you.

You'll come?
Yeah.

Great, thank you.

It'll be good for the new
priest to get a visual of you

so when I talk about you in confession
he can, you know, picture it.

Um, I don't love you talking
to your priest about me.

How would you like it if I had
a podcast about our sex life?

Oh, come on.
Because I do have one.

For the past six months. What?

Great, we're late. Now
we can't sit in the front row.

Hi, how are you?

Oh, my God.
How old was Father Francis?

Was he Jesus's roommate?

No, Jesus didn't have a roommate.
He lived with his ma.

Hachi-machi. Who's that guy in a dress?
He's hot as hell.

Wait a minute, I know that guy.

That's Mike O'Donnell
from my old neighborhood.

He was the worst kid in my high
school and now he's a priest?

That guy's a virgin.
Ah, man, what a waste.

Shh! Quiet.

Two hundred and seventy-five.

Any guesses on
what that number means?

How many hours I've
been sitting here?

That's the number of women
I've had sex with.

Now, I'm sure some of
you are saying,

"How can a man who has sinned

"in so many different ways

"and positions,

"how can a man with a
sleeve of tattoos,

"a man who did drugs

"crazy drugs,

"how can that man be in charge
of your spiritual guidance?"

Wow, Mike's done everything. I mean,
confessing to him will be a breeze.

God comes to us in many ways.

For Saint Paul, it was a bolt of
lightning on the road to Damascus.

For me, it was Keith Richards.

He found me on his bathroom
floor of his house,

which I had broken into,

and he said to me,

And as the security team
dragged me out of his house,

I knew that I had a
purpose in life

and that was to lead people away
from sins, great and small.

Because it's not always
the big sins that matter

like when I slept with my SAT
proctor and ruined her marriage.

No, sometimes it's the small sins
that tarnish the soul the most.

I'm talking about birth control,

cohabitating before marriage and
dating outside of the faith.

Trust me, these little sins are
just as straight a path to hellfire

as all that really cool stuff
I used to do.

Really? I feel like they're not.

Now, let's all bow our heads for one
final prayer for Father Francis.

He was a good guy.
A good, soft guy.

May God forgive him
for his leniency.

Leniency? We're screwed.

You're screwed. I'm Hindu. I'm
like immortal or something.

By next Sunday, you
should all know Latin.

Let's go. Come on. You were
in the bathroom for like an hour.

There's a lot of
elderly people here, okay.

I need a new church, okay? Saint Ignatius
has one of those guitar priests,

but you know what,
I can get over it.

Let's get out of here.
Danny?

Danny Castellano.

Hey. Hi, Friar. I'm Mindy.

I so enjoyed your speech.
Sermon.

Yes, it was the best
part of the show.

Mass.
Yeah.

So, you're Danny's girlfriend?
I've heard a lot about you.

Oh, my God, are you
my one Twitter follower?

It is great to meet you,
at-One-Direction-Bot.

Hey, Mike, good to see ya.

I'm sorry, Father Mike.

Hard to adjust.

I'm used to calling you "The
Virginity Thief of Staten Island."

Yeah, I remember you too, Danny.

You were the little altar boy
who would always snitch on me

whenever I would take the girls
back to the rectory to fool around.

Danny here,
always such a little angel.

Sorry, you know me. Always
walking the straight and narrow.

Yeah,
I have a scriptural question.

I know that the church frowns
on masturbation. Mm-hmm.

But what is their
policy on hot tub jets?

Because... Hey, listen,
here's five bucks,

why don't you go enter us
into the raffle, okay?

Okay.

So, wonderful to meet you,
Your Magistrate.

Okay. You don't... She
doesn't have to do that.

Okay.

She's different.

I gotta admit, Danny.
I've heard some rumors.

You have?
Yeah.

Look, the word on the pew

is that the golden boy of Saint
Mary's and his girlfriend

are living together
before marriage.

Oh, that?

That's what you heard?

Yes. Yes, we are, but we are
definitely waiting before we,

you know,

do it.

Look, Danny, I get it.

The Vatican is fine with
over-the-pants stuff.

I just don't want people to
think you're a bad Catholic.

People like me.

What? No way, we're
both great Catholics.

Especially her.

Oh, I had no idea
she was of the faith.

Yeah, she's of the faith.

Okay, just stick your tongues out.

Stop. Stop

So, Ma, I was thinking
we should change churches.

What do you think about
the Immaculate Heart?

That's for Puerto Ricans. What's
communion, chips and salsa?

Why would we switch
churches anyway?

The new priest.

You remember Michael O'Donnell?

Mikey O'Donnell?

The hooligan
from down the block?

You know, he babysat for
you and Richie once

I come home, he's got a girl
on top of the ping-pong table.

Yeah, I remember that.
They left a dent on the table.

Made the balls bounce weird.

And I don't know, I don't feel comfortable
confessing my situation to him.

So don't confess.

You're not exactly winning
Catholic of the Year anyway.

You're divorced,
you go to a gay gym.

You don't encounter it if
you stay out of the sauna.

Plus, their bodies motivate me.

Why do you care
what Mikey thinks?

Your mother's over it.

She still hasn't forgiven me for
taping over Princess Diana's wedding

with an episode of
The Price is Right

that I was on.

Maybe the problem
isn't the priest.

You gotta start thinking about why
you feel so guilty about this.

All right,
let's take it from the top.

Okay, so I said to
the immigration officer,

"You know who I am?
I'm Doctor Jeremy Reeve."

Reed. Reed! Why
can't I get that?

I'll tell you why and
I don't mean to be cruel

but you're the worst actor I've
ever seen in my life, okay?

No, I can act, it's just I
can't remember the lines.

Oh, good, you're not
doing anything.

Hey, I need your advice.

Absolutely not.

I'm incredibly busy.
He's very busy.

Fine, I will buy a lousy
ticket to your loser show.

Take a seat. How can I help?
Okay, thank you.

When I was at church with Danny and
he introduced me to his priest,

I felt like he
was embarrassed by me.

Come on. Stop. Danny has never even
been slightly embarrassed by you.

Really?
Okay, that's a huge relief.

See, I can act, Morgan.
Oh.

Of course he's
embarrassed by you.

But the point is if the embarrassment
was going to ruin the relationship,

it would have happened by now.

Sounds like the
problem is this priest.

You want me to murder a priest?

Befriend the priest.

Of course, befriend a priest.

You know, princess
emoji, sexy lady emoji.

Who?

Swami emoji.

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Spaghetti
dinner emoji! Thumbs up.

A what now?

Okay,
name me the apostles.

John.
Good.

Paul.
Excellent.

George.
You're naming Beatles.

Bongo.
That's not anything.

Mary Margarine.
No!

Why did you invite Father
Michael over for dinner?

Okay, look, if he asks, we sleep in bunk
beds and your last name is McPherson.

Why would you lie and
tell him that I was Catholic?

I don't have a Catholic
bone in my body.

Except yours.

See, I can't stop saying
hilarious stuff like that.

I have the mind of a comedian
trapped in the body of a model

trapped in a
job of a gynecologist.

We should have just gone with
Morgan to Jeremy's stupid play.

Morgan, that's it.

Morgan, I am freaking out,
I don't remember any of my lines.

Hey, easy, I told you, I have every single
one of the lines in the play on my phone.

It's going to be fine.
Okay.

Whoa!

Easy, easy, just one second.

Gotta take a personal call.

Talk to me, player.

Hey, um, what do you
know about Catholicism?

Pfft. Only everything.

Oh, perfect, okay, so you know about
like the Popes and sacraments and stuff?

Oh, Catholicism? I thought
you said, "Alcoholism."

Yeah, I don't know anything.

Okay, whatever.

Will you look stuff up
if I text you with questions?

Yeah, I'm at this boring play.
It'll give me something to do.

Hey!

Thank you, Morgan. Bye.

Okay, if Father Mike asks you to say
grace, say you have laryngitis.

Okay, well, I just got off
the phone with Morgan.

Yeah? And everything
is taken care of.

Okay.

You feeling okay, sweetheart?

Yeah, no, I feel good.
I feel calm and grounded.

All right, be cool.
Be cool, that's him.

Okay.
Be cool.

You be cool, psycho.

Father Michael, exactly on time.

We got nothing to hide.

Don't worry, Danny,
you couldn't.

Miss McPherson.
That's me.

Lovely to see you.

Sorry about her.
She's a real klutz.

Yeah.
Yeah.

What's that?

Oh, I'm sorry. Some people still
get dressed up for the theater.

Hey,
I have to focus.

London, 1985,

a little boy walks
with his father.

"Daddy, who are those dirty
men, they look so sad."

"They're no-good
coal miners on strike.

"Throw a rock at them or
I'll swat at you."

"But I want to help them
someday or my name isn't...

"Jeremy Reed."

But let's not get
ahead of ourselves.

Our story actually
begins in 1545.

And may all sinners

Burn forever
in the fires of hell

Amen

Amen-en-en-en

Mindy, once again, thank you so
much for having me for dinner.

The nun
that usually cooks for me is blind

so I end up eating
a lot of candle wax.

You know, hospitality
is so important.

I think it was God that said,

"He who withholds kindness from a friend
forsakes the fear of the all mighty."

That's Job, 6:14.

Huh, do you have a favorite
verse from the New Testament?

The New Testament?
The "New" one?

There's a sequel to the Bible but not
to Gone Girl?

The New Testament

has so many great one-liners, but
I think my favorite is probably,

"Jeremy, you spilled my scotch.
Go sit in your cupboard."

I'm afraid I don't know that one. That's
a bit of a deep cut even for a priest.

Father, it's dark
in here and I'm afraid.

So I said, "Father,

"you can lock me in the cupboard, but
you can never lock up my spirit."

And then my father said to me...

Morgan?

I'm sorry, Doctor Reed,
I gotta leave. I gotta leave.

What?

Morgan, Morgan, you need to tell
me what my father said to me.

Excuse me.
Morgan, we had a deal.

Ow!

- What did my father say?
- My cigarette.

- Morgan, for God sake.
- Get off me!

I'm sorry.
Damn it to hell.

Uh, oh.

Uh, oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh! Oh! My hair!

In that moment,
I decided to go to America.

Where the sun always shines.

I mean, that's why I
think the Bible's on fleek.

Huh, I never thought of Eve as one
of the "Real Housewives of Eden,"

then again,
she did love her drama.

You got a good one here, Danny.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have got
to go to the little priest's room.

Oh, it's right
over here, Father.

Hot's on the left,
cold's on the right.

Standard sink stuff.
You'll figure it out.

Hey,
great job, little Catholic.

I know. Father
Michael will have no idea

that we're two
sinful, contraceptive-using...

Oh, no.
What?

Danny, do you remember when you
told me like a million times

to take the condoms out of
the medicine cabinet

before Father Michael got here?
Yeah.

You didn't, like, do that because
you knew that I would flake, right?

Oh, no.

What were you thinking?
Maybe he won't snoop?

Oh, who am I kidding?
Everybody snoops.

When I first went to your mom's
house, I tried on her wedding dress.

There's only one thing to do.

No.
I'm going in.

No!
I'm going in.

Wait, Mindy,
do not look at his thing.

If I see his thing,
it's an accident.

And don't get distracted by
your reflection in the mirror.

Walking in Memphis, in Memphis

But do I really feel

Walking in Memphis, in Memphis

But do I really
feel the way I feel

I saw the ghost of Elvis down...

I saw the ghost of Elvis

down on Union Avenue

I followed him up
to the gates of Graceland

And I watched him
walk right through

Danny, I saw something pretty
disturbing in your bathroom just now.

Okay, you did?

It's your Yankees poster, Danny.

You know they're
the team of sin.

A-Rod, that's lust.

CC Sabathia, gluttony.

Jeter, sloth.

He retired.
What if Jesus had retired?

You're right, Father.
I'm a Mets fan now.

Thank you so much.
What a great night.

I'll see you
at church on Sunday.

Sunday? Come on!

Let's get some dessert.
Let's play some board games.

I'm a priest.
This is my crack.

Okay, use
"Nom-nom-nom" in a sentence.

Okay, wasn't hungry, saw that
corn dog and I was like,

"Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom."

Okay, fair enough.
Yes.

Danny, can I be honest?
Yeah.

I came here tonight because
I heard a disturbing rumor.

I heard you were dating
a godless sex maniac,

but that must have
been an ex-girlfriend

because it's
certainly not Mindy,

who is one of the finest
women I have ever met.

Thank you.

Yes, yes,
it was an ex-girlfriend

and she was trouble, bad news.

Hey, I get it. I mean, back in the
day, I dated some crazy ones.

Oh, yeah? I'm talking about doing
it on the airport luggage carousel.

Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.

That was Madonna's idea of fun.

Go figure. I wrote the
hook for Borderline.

Well, I actually knew Danny's
ex and she wasn't crazy.

And she wasn't a sex maniac,
she was more sex-positive

in a way that was
very on-brand for her.

Ugh. She sounds horrible.

She wasn't horrible.
She was superhot bang-able.

Danny loved her
and she had huge cans.

Really? I heard that she was
pear-shaped with small breasts.

If anything, she was two pears
stacked on top of each other.

That's a butternut squash.

Yeah, hot as hell. Could
have sex for hours.

Look guys, it doesn't matter,
it didn't mean anything.

I mean, she was nothing special.

It was just fun. I mean it wasn't like
I was gonna marry her or anything.

Well, bottom line,
you made the right choice

because now you're with a nice
Catholic girl like Mindy.

Exactly, now I have Mindy.

Well, I am tired

and I think I'm
going to go to bed.

Next time I see you, I'll ask
you my Da Vinci Code questions.

Good night, Father.
Good night.

Well, to the bunk beds.

Good night, babe.

She's great.

Yeah.

You got any cookies or
dessert or anything like that?

The main course
was like an hour ago.

I don't know if we
have any dessert, Father.

Could you make something?

Give me that. It cost me 50 bucks.
Damn it.

I've never been more
humiliated in my entire life.

This was meant to be
my love letter to America.

But it ended like every
love letter I've ever written.

With the authorities
being called.

Listen, listen, I got
some news for you, buddy.

The New York Times was here and
they thought it was really great.

Whoa, whoa, which critic?

Was it Ben Brantley?

Oh, my God, was it
Alessandra Stanley?

I think it was Virgil Krug.

He's the crime reporter.

Said it was the
best arson he's ever seen.

Glad you found that
old candy cane, Danny. Nom-nom-nom.

Well, it was
a great night, Father.

You want me to
look up the ferry for you?

You know, sometimes when
parishioners have me for dinner,

they drive me home.
Ahh...

But the ferry's
good too, you know,

it's not too cold or wet.

Great, you'll need that. Let me
just look up that ferry for you.

Is that a sonogram?

That? That's, uh...

What am I talking about,
you're an OB/GYN,

of course, that's for
one of your patients.

No, Father. Look, I've been
doing a lot of lying to you

and I'm not gonna lie about
this little guy. That's my son.

And Mindy is the crazy ex-girlfriend
you've been hearing a lot about.

Mindy McPherson, my new friend?

It's Lahiri, and I asked her to
lie about being Catholic for you.

Well, look at this. The little boy who
played baby Jesus in the Christmas pageant

till he was 15 years old
knocks up his girlfriend.

Yeah, you know what and
there's something else.

I know I was supposed to
confess all this to you

but for some reason, I don't
know why, I just couldn't.

But I think it's because when you confess
it's because you feel guilty about something,

and Father, I don't
feel guilty about this at all.

I've never been happier
about anything in my life.

Well, I guess I should go.

This has been the worst night
of my entire life.

Uh, I'll have somebody mail you
your excommunication letter.

You know you can't be buried
with your family now, right?

Yes, I understand.
Good.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
Father Michael,

I have something to say.

No more lies. Like saying
you don't have any dessert

when I can see there's
a cookie jar right here!

- Don't, don't, don't.
- No, no, no.

Oh, my God, this is
the lair of Lucifer.

Okay, I have a couple
things to say here.

One, you've gots
to chill, amigo.

Second, I know that Danny is
a guilty Catholic weirdo

but his guilt is also what makes
him so kind and wonderful

and if our kid is half that
good then I'd be happy.

So I guess what I'm saying is I think I
would like our baby to be raised Catholic.

Really?
Yeah.

And for the record,
you need some new blood.

We went to mass the other day. It's like
the crypt keeper's wedding, geez-Louise.

Hmm. Median age is 79.

Our organist died.

Twice.
Yeah.

Okay, heck, I tell you what.

Danny, you come to confession and we'll
talk about your absolution, all right?

And you, little disciple,

I will see you in the
baptismal font.

Well, my work here is done.
All right.

I'm going to give these
to the Greek Orthodox.

Thank you, Father.
Goodnight, Father Michael.

Looks like someone
is going to be

coming to church a
lot more with me.

Ugh. How am I ever going to get
used to the crushing boredom?

Well, I have an idea.

London, 1985.

A little boy walks
with his father.

"Daddy, who are those dirty men?
They look so sad?"

"Those are no-good
miners on strike.

"Throw a rock at them
or I will swat you."

So it was that I, Jeremy Reed,

found myself a stranger
among my own people.

What was I to do?

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