All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S03E18 - Fertility Bites (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda).eng

Building a business from
the ground up is difficult.

From filing permits

to picking the right Georgia O'Keeffe
poster for your waiting room,

the process can be overwhelming.

Especially when you have to
constantly supervise your hired help

because they get
so easily distracted.

No, no, no! Ah!

Ow. Oh, God.
Okay, I'm sorry.

Plus, ironically, burning
the candle at both ends

leaves almost no time
for your personal flames.

Here you go, babe. Aw,
thank you, sweetheart.

I've also learned that even when you
seek friendly advice from business pros,

they can feel threatened
by your talent.

Kris Jenner! Hi.

My name is Mindy Lahiri. I started
the Lahiri Fertility Clinic.

Again?
How did she get in here?

Please, please. Your womb
is a national treasure!

If you could just tweet
about my clinic!

But at the end of the day, there
is nothing more satisfying

than seeing the results
of all of your hard work.

Okay, get to it, babe.

Are you guys ready?
Hell, yeah.

I've been ready
since I woke up here.

The Lahiri Fertility Clinic has
purchased some primo advertising space

in a very cool spot
for movers and shakers.

Ta-da!

Okay. Sir?

Sir? I'm obviously trying to unveil
something. Could you please move?

Thank you. Thank you.
Ta-da!

"We got you, girl!"

I canceled cardio-ballet
for this?

Doesn't that just make you want to
come and get impregnated by me?

Is that even you, Dr. L?

The eyes on that woman
are hella blue.

Tamra, I have told you
a million times,

my eyes photograph blue.

She has blue eyes, Tamra.

You look like a werewolf.

I once knew a werewolf.

Can I fix it
with a sharpie?

Can I get one
for my bedroom?

I am so professionally
excited this morning.

I have to doff my cap
to Dr. Adrian Bergdahl,

who has done more procedures this week
than all the other doctors combined.

It is amazing what you
can accomplish

when you don't spend an hour

planning your two-hour
lunch break.

I think it's really cool

that Dr. Bergdahl
is able to do his one job

while also not being pregnant.

Meanwhile, in addition
to my responsibilities here,

I have started my own business.

The Lahiri Fertility Center.

Yes, we know. You made
us all buy merch.

I just want to say,
I love the color.

This is the longest I've ever
gone without being hit by a car.

The setup over there is sick.

My patients are like,
"Are we at a spa?"

I mean, they will say that
once I get my first patient.

Yeah. I think we should send
all our referrals her way.

Well, that sounds
like favoritism but,

there is a kernel
of truth in it.

And I would like
to take this opportunity...

Oh!
...to invite all of you

to our grand opening gala.

There is a dress code. It's "risqué
red carpet." Have fun with it.

But take it seriously, okay?

If you come looking like crap,

you're going to leave
looking like crap

because I'm not gonna
let you in.

Excuse me, everyone.
I have an interruption.

Morgan, Beverly, and I
are doing a walk-a-thon

to raise money for a problem
that affects us all.

Nurse obesity.

What? You're all skinny
as hell!

Yeah, due to poverty.

We're looking to raise $250,000,

so it would be great if I could
put each of the doctors down

for 50,000 to start.

50,000?

Hey, Dr. Bergdahl, I feel like you're not
giving us your undivided attention here.

Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way.

It's just that I don't
care about this at all.

Hey, hey, hold up. Let me just
tell you how this office works.

An office is a family.
No, a family is a family.

And between my beautiful wife and
my kids, who look more like me,

my plate is full
with my own business.

Okay, fine, we get it. You're
rich and you own a plate.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
No, my bagels.

Those are my bagels. Hey! Those bagels
are Morgan's weekend food. Hello!

Let him have them.
I'll starve to death

and my death will thaw
his icy heart.

Can you see it?
He took the bagels.

Yes. Dr. Bergdahl is
gruff and he is rude,

but you know who else is?
Chris Christie.

And he's our vice president.

Well, I can't handle
being treated like dirt.

That's why I quit my dream job doing
customer service at the cable company.

If I can tolerate
dress-sneakers at the Met,

you can tolerate
a prickly doctor,

who happens to be
our best worker.

The guy stinks.

And that's coming from a man who sleeps
with a dozen wet dogs every night.

Danny, Jeremy...

They're not completely wrong

and we cannot have our entire
support staff up and quit.

That's how we ended up
with these guys. What?

Hey, I'm slammed. Can one of
you nurses make me a sandwich?

Nothing fancy. Just ham,
mustard, avocado.

Anybody else want anything?
Nurses are making sandwiches.

Do I look like I work
at Au Bon Pain?

Fine.
I'll talk to him.

Will you quit snoozing?

Hey, hey, hey. Hey!

Ah. Oh.

We have our first patient.

Oh, God. Okay. How do I look?
Do I have drool?

Relax. You've never looked more beautiful.
How do I look?

Nobody cares.
Just send her in.

This way.

Ta-da!
Welcome.

Please have a seat.
Thank you.

So are you accompanying your
daughter to her appointment?

No, I don't have a daughter. That's
where you come in, sweetheart.

Morgan, we've been
pranked again.

Prankster?
Yeah.

Think it's funny
to prank us, huh?

Wait, I don't understand this.

Yeah, I bet
you don't understand.

Get out of here. Get your ass up.
Come on.

I've never been so insulted.
You're done for the day.

You are in big trouble.
And I love older women.

It's nice
to see you, Dr. Castellano.

I'm really glad to hear
you're moving forward

with your fertility treatment.

Why don't you have a seat
inside and we'll get started?

Now, of course, there's a variety of
top-notch specialists here in Manhattan.

Excuse me a second.

Top-notch specialists
right here in Manhattan.

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Where were we?

Psst! Pamphlet.

Pamphlet.

I left a pamphlet.

Get away from the door.

Are you...
Are you okay?

There's a cold going around
the office here. Oh.

Dr. Mindy Lahiri,
for instance,

opened up a fertility practice
right here on this floor.

And she just finished
a fellowship at Stanford.

Interesting. Has she helped lot
of your patients get pregnant?

Uh... She's a very
experienced OB/GYN.

Okay. So she has helped
patients get pregnant?

She has helped them be pregnant.

What... What does
that mean?

No.

She hasn't had any fertility
patients of her own.

Well, thank you so much.

Thank you.

Hey. So when does she want
to make an appointment?

I'm supposed to see a psychic
about my missing shoe,

but I think
I can move that around.

Babe, I told her all about you.
You're the best.

And she wanted me to recommend
a more established practice

and she went with them.

What?

Wait. Wait, wait. Wait. Stop.
Stop, okay? Look.

What was I supposed
to say to the woman

when she asked me how many
patients you got pregnant?

Do you want me to lie? I
lie for you all the time.

Remember when I told
that cop at the park

that we were just two
male friends wrestling.

That's different. I mean, this
whole thing, this is professional.

Look, I believe in you, but
you're just getting started.

Would you get your hair cut by
Vito's trainee, Little Vito?

No, you go to Vito!

Are you comparing my practice to
Little Vito, the barber trainee?

This is my dream and you're
supposed to be helping me.

Look, I'll make you
a salad tonight, right.

Kale, grilled chicken,
a little asparagus.

You love my corn on the cob, right?
A salad?

I thought you were going
to buy me some jewelry.

I actually don't have time because
I have to go work on my practice

because I'm not getting
any help at all.

Babe, come on!

Little Vito's going to be
a great barber someday.

Adrian, have you seen...

Oh, that's bad.

Oh, wow.

Would you look at this?

I got an extra deodorant
in my two-for-one deal.

It's from the Al Pacino fragrance
line, "Scent of a Man."

Nah, I'm good, man.
I couldn't even handle it

when my wife put potpourri
in the bathroom.

But luckily, the stupid cat ate it and
that solved two problems at once.

Hey. Whew!

Yeah. Hi, Adrian. I
wanted to talk to you.

The support staff have been
complaining about you.

Oh, really?
They complained to you?

Maybe the best thing would be
to take them out for a chat.

Yeah. Take them out for
coffee or deodorant.

I am so, so sorry
you had to get involved.

I'm on it.
All right, pal.

Okay. Take care.
Have a great day.

I haven't
called my lawyer yet,

but you put a sub-sandwich
in the fridge

and you label it...
Hey!

You got a problem with me
you bring it to me.

I did not become an OB/GYN just to
deal with a bunch of whiny babies.

Don't be coming in here
yelling at us.

You don't even talk to us.

Yeah, do you even know
what my job is?

I mean, I definitely know it, I just
want to hear someone else say it.

Dr. B, we're willing
to overlook this incident

if you are willing to make a sizable
donation to our fundraiser.

Yeah, I'll donate to
your fundraiser. Yes!

From the cold depths
of an icy hell!

- No! No!
- Come on!

I don't know how much
we've raised now.

Okay, calm down. You need to fire Dr.
Bergdahl.

Yeah. Either he goes or we go.

Fine. I'll talk to him.

In fairness, he does seem
genuinely disturbed.

I don't feel safe.

Ugh!

Oh, this stinks, Morgan.

No, they smell like feet.
It's fine.

What is to become of me?

My modeling days are over.

You got nice feet.

You could pose these on some
decent foot fetish websites.

Thank you. That's the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.

You're welcome. If only
I knew but one couple

that was having
fertility problems.

Ugh! Why are all my friends
glamorous and 21 years old?

Oh, my God!

I know just the person.

Okay. I'm pregnant. I know.
You gotta be careful, girl.

I'm... Okay.
I actually know someone

who could really use your help.

He and his girlfriend have been having
a very hard time getting pregnant.

That's so great!

The best part is,
is you already know them.

No. No.

My sperms are bad.

I'm sorry to hear that,
Cousin Lou.

It took a lot of courage for
me to come in here today.

Usually that's something
that I say but...

I think it's because
he always refuses

to wear the apron
at the dentist.

My reasoning is that
aprons are for girls

and it's ironic that in
trying not to be a girl,

I became less of a man.

I'm not an orthodontist, but I
wouldn't be too hard on yourself.

I have a tendency to do that.

I'm going to do whatever
I can to help you.

I can't believe I'm gonna be
a first cousin once removed.

Now, before I hand over the Tookers family
jewels to pay for my new testicles,

I need to know, you have
done this before, yes?

This? Lou! I'm offended
you even asked.

Obviously.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. I'm
just doing my dude diligence.

And Sandra is doing
her chick diligence.

Now, may we ask, how have your
patients fared in the past?

My patients will have
done very well.

Wait a second. Did you just
use the future pluperfect?

I was a substitute
English teacher.

Yes. Technically, I have
not had a patient yet.

Okay, Sandra, we're just going to have
to figure out another way to get a baby.

Well, there's that drunk nanny down
at the park that always falls asleep.

I mean, look, if Mindy can't
get someone pregnant...

Wait, wait, wait.
Stop, stop, stop.

Um, what if I told you
that I got myself pregnant?

Yeah, Danny and I are expecting.

Wait, you were having problems
with fertility just like us?

Yeah. Just like you.

And now we're doing great.

Well, if you can get
yourself pregnant,

then that's good enough
for us. We're in!

Really?

I mean, uh, great!
My first patient.

To think Dr. Castellano
shooting blanks just like me.

Yep. His sperm's no good either.

Now, of course I will have to
pay for this in installments,

but if it's good enough for the
Puerto Rican guy at the couch store,

it's good enough for you, I assume.
Okay, time to go.

Thank you.
Bye!

Our first patient!

Hey. Come here. Come here.
Wow. First...

Ow! My ear! My ear!
Over here. Over here.

Come on! How could you tell Cousin Lou
that Dr. C has issues with infertility?

When I signed on to to be a
partner at this practice...

Okay, you are not a partner.

You are a handyman and you're
not even good at that.

Oh, my God!
Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Stop. Stop.
Get off of me.

For the last time, you cannot jump
into my arms when you are surprised.

Okay, look, I can't be party to any
kind of deception around here.

Okay, yes. I let a white lie
go a little too far. Yeah.

But Danny never needs to know.

Okay. You have to come clean
and be mature because...

Oh, my God!

I am so glad we are
getting rid of Dr. Bergdahl.

That guy better not ask me to
write him a recommendation.

I mean, I will but...

Wait a minute.
What the hell is that?

It's Dr. B!

Oh, my God.
Is he dead?

All his clothes
are hanging in the backseat.

He's grumpy all the time
and he smells bad.

Dude is living out of his car.

That's why his hoarding
the bagels. He's broke.

And thanks to us, Dr.
Reed's going to fire him.

Gosh, I've never felt
this guilty before.

And I'm the one who told de Blasio
not to care what the po-po thinks.

We need...
Whoa.

Really?

Can you believe the turnout
at this party? Oh, yeah.

There's more people here
than were at my trial.

I placed an ad
for the clinic on Goop.

My God, that's a great idea!

It cost 10 grand.
Would've paid 20.

What? Relax. Don't worry.
We'll expense it.

I pay for the expenses.

You and I are the only two
people that work here.

You gotta take this up
with business affairs.

I'm business affairs!

I'm going to get you
some lobster. Chill out.

You got lobster?
Eh...

Okay.

Hey, Dan. Hey.
Hey.

Hey, look, man, I always knew
that we were close friends,

but I always used to think
that all we had in common

were good looks
and brain smarts.

You're Lou, right?
Yeah. Hey, look man.

We can do anything
that regular guys can do.

Yeah, I never thought
I couldn't.

That's the spirit, chief.

Hey, you know what? You and me gonna
grab a couple of motorcycles,

file off the serial numbers,
head down to Baja,

see what kind of trouble
we can get into.

A couple of masculine
guys like us, right?

Uh... Maybe you should leave
that sort of thing for Morgan.

No, no, no. He wouldn't
understand our situation.

You and I, we're cousins now.

Cousin Dan.

Hey, Cousin Dan.

This is so exciting. When I heard your
story, I had to come see for myself.

A pregnant Indian-American woman
starting her own business,

I'm hoping that they do a
documentary series about me.

I mean, it's so brave that your boyfriend
is so public about his problem.

Most men would be mortified.
Yeah.

Go. Go. Go. Go.

Hey.
Hey. There you are.

When we told you
to fire Dr. Bergdahl,

you weren't dumb enough to
listen to us, were you?

Yeah. You cannot
fire Dr. B.

You insisted that I fire
him, so I fired him.

Oh! Damn it!

You really stepped in it now. Do you
know the guy is living in his car?

Yeah. Just goes to show you,
hot guys have problems, too.

What are you talking about?
He is living in squalor.

He's a total "Beverly."

I didn't want to get rid
of him in the first place,

but if you want
to hire him back,

please, go hire him back.
Yes! Go.

Can we hire anyone, or just him?

Just him! Just him.
Okay.

Everybody, excuse me. I'm sorry...
I'm sorry to interrupt the night.

Just gather around just a minute.
Grab a glass.

It's a really, really
important night

and I just want
to say a few words

about an honest, hardworking woman.
Sorry. Excuse me.

Hey. You don't need
to do this.

In fact, I think we should go.

This party is lame as hell.

Hey, babe. No, no, no.
No, no, no.

I want to take this opportunity

to congratulate the mother
of my child, Mindy Lahiri.

How she pulled this off all on
her own, I can't even conceive.

Oh, no. That was then.
You can now.

She didn't need me. This all started
with this guy in San Francisco.

Actually,
he was a friend of mine.

Oh, God.
Very cool.

She came back. Boom. The seed was planted.
Okay, that's good.

Thank you very much, honey.
Those were such great words.

Why don't you go wait in the
elevator and grab our coats?

Okay. Well, I'm not... I'm
not actually done talking.

I just want to say
a few more things.

I'm honored
to sit on the sidelines

and I'll sit on the sidelines
as she grows and grows

and I watch her
and she's growing.

You're a good man. I would
like to make a toast.

Just pop this out here.

Watch out, guys. This
thing's going to pop.

Aw.

You gotta be kidding me.

That's funny. I just popped the
cork and nothing came out.

Don't worry.
Happens to the best of us.

To Mindy Lahiri.

- Salud.
- Mindy.

You want me to say anything else?
No, no. That's great. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Thank you. Go to the
corner. Don't talk to anybody again.

I want to encourage everyone here
to, you know, keep to themselves

and maybe not talk about things
like who impregnated who

or who is infertile
and who isn't.

Mindy said I what?

Oh, God.

Everything works fine.
Better than fine, okay?

I got her pregnant
all by myself.

You know what? It was a
total accident. Danny.

Everything I know about your
reproductive health is a lie.

Okay, that's a little
dramatic, Lou.

I took a drama class at the Y.

Does everybody here
want to hear the story

of how it happened
with me and Mindy?

I'll tell you how it happened.

It was a beautifully
romantic night.

He made me a gorgeous
candlelit dinner

and then holding my hand,
he took my virginity,

and that's how I became
pregnant with this little guy.

No, it was New Year's Eve.
Times Square.

Mindy and I are there
and I'm feeling good

'cause I just estimated
my tax returns.

She's got the 2015 glasses
on and she looks hot. Wow.

The next thing you know, we're knocking
boots under the Lion King billboard.

I guess we were a little "Hakuna
Matata" about protection.

I should have
been more "Matata."

Unbelievable.

I'm gonna get a slice.

You know what?
You're a real scumbag

and that's coming from me.

Let's get out of here.

Well...

No, no, no, no.

We're too late.

That's how grandma looked when she
swallowed her tongue. We gotta save him.

Ah!

- What the hell?
- Oh, my God.

I didn't do it.
I didn't do it.

What are you doing?

You get me fired,
you break my window,

and then you wake me up
from a good dream?

I got hit by a city snowplow

and I was living off
the settlement money, man.

It was like a dream come true.

Look, Dr. Bergdahl, we're
not here to antagonize you.

We actually got you rehired.

Also, we've decided
to be our most Oprah-selves

and we're going to give you all
of our fundraiser money. What?

Come on. You're actually
going to give me $250,000?

Oh, no way. It's $187, but the
gesture's just as generous.

Also, all the money's pledged
so if you really want it,

you'll probably have to call and follow up
with people. It's... It's very nice of you

but I can't accept it.

Hey, why don't
you stay at Dr. L's?

She has an apartment
she doesn't even use.

Hey, can I ask you
a random question?

Why would a successful doctor
need to sleep in a car?

I'm kind of on the outs
with my wife, Alice.

That's why I'm not
staying at my place

and, yes, I could probably
go get a place of my own,

but I feel like that would
kind of be admitting

that my marital problems
are more than just temporary.

So, that's it.
That's all my dirt.

You got it all.
So I hope you're happy.

My turn. Pretty sure
my grandmother's my mom.

No. I don't need
to hear this, really.

But I do want to apologize to
you, Tonya, and you too, Mervin,

and especially you, Madison.

Well, it's about time
you learned our names.

No.

Adrian's coming.

Hey, Mindy. I've been
thinking, and I've decided

I'm going to give all my
patients the hard sell

to go to your
fertility practice.

Really?

Is it because
in your short time here,

I've become kind of
a mentor to you?

What? No.

It's because you have an
apartment you never use.

So you let me crash there,
I give you patients.

Ooh, horse-trading.

We're like two fat-cat politicians
smoking cigars in a political cartoon.

You know, I do have a sash
that says "Wall Street."

Yeah, do we have a deal?

Yeah, we have a deal.

You can stay at my apartment
as long as you want.

And you can use
whatever you like.

You know, TV, my shower,
my stereo, my shower.

I get it. I get it.

There's a spy cam in the shower.
Don't worry.

Oh, I'll put on a show.

Hey, I made
your favorite dessert.

Cut up apple. I don't
like apples anymore.

My friends all know that.

Okay, that's obviously not true. I saw
you eating an apple earlier today.

Look, I'm sorry.

How could you spread lies
about my guy?

My guy's the best.

Sweetheart, I am really,
really sorry.

To think that I spoke ill of an organ
that has brought so much happiness

to me and other women...
Too many women.

Oh, God. Why did I
go down this path?

You know, I...

It's just this new practice
makes me nervous.

I mean, we're both
always really busy,

but I could always
see you at work

and now I can't count
on that anymore.

Well, if you want to see more
of me, I have some good news.

What?

I think I'm ready to move in.

You are?

That's fantastic.

That's fantastic.

Do you really want to move in

or is this just an excuse
not to clean your place?

Uh, it's a little bit of both.
Okay.

But I found a perfect tenant.

He stinks real bad and
he doesn't pay rent.

Bergdahl.
Mmm-hmm.

Now, what do you think about us
having a housewarming party,

even though I'm just moving
into my boyfriend's apartment?

Absolutely not.

We have to rethink
the decor in here.

I was thinking Arabian Nights.

No, no.
Too political.

Okay. Moulin Rouge?
No.

Romeo + Juliet?
Nope.

Great Gatsby? Okay,
enough with Baz Luhrmann.

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