All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S03E17 - Danny Castellano Is My Nutritionist (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda).eng

It's so great to be back
in New York in the winter,

curling up in a warm bed
next to the one you love.

The only problem is, I'm pregnant
and morning sick as hell.

Oops. Sorry, Bible.

You all right?
Where were we?

Uh...

Okay, just go brush your teeth.
Okay.

And for something
called "morning sickness,"

it sure happens
all the damn time.

Hey, guys. I'm testing
out a new look.

What do you guys think?

Lady at the hat store
said the same thing.

On the positive side,

morning sickness teaches you
how to make all of New York...

You okay? ...your
personal barf bag.

Babe?

Oh, no.

Fortunately,
my constant ralphing

is only bringing Danny
and me closer together.

Hey, you looking at my little
league trophy? Uh-huh.

You know, I was the
best player on the team

and we had some Dominicans.
Cool.

Did you barf in it?
Yeah.

Oh.
I'm sorry, Danny.

It's only a second-place
trophy though, right?

I hate to see you like this.

You know, Castellano babies

always cause morning sickness.

We have a saying in my family,

"First, they make you puke then they
wreak havoc on your birth canal."

Hi.
Hey, buddy.

Dr. L, everyone knows
about your condition.

All right, Morgan.
Let's wrap this up.

Ta-Da!

Is that a bedazzled barf bucket?

Wow! Morgan,
it's so beautiful.

This is the nicest gift
anyone's given me

since Danny took me
to Bruno Mars.

Oh, Bruno Mars and I,
hat brothers.

Oh, God.

Stop talking about that stupid hat!
All right.

Ripped By mstoll

Morning, sweetheart.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing here?

Get away from the microwave.
What?

I don't want you using
the microwave that much

when you're pregnant,

the rays and the waves.

Didn't you read the
parenting book I gave you,

Panic Womb?
Relax.

I'm not using the microwave.
Just getting some coffee.

Don't. Don't.
Don't sip the coffee!

What's wrong with you?
That's even worse!

Right here. A Brave New Dad
says that

coffee can stunt
a baby's growth.

I'll read it to you.

Chapter 14... Don't. Don't do that.
It's boring.

I mean, you should
read these, too.

Look, I don't have time to read all
of your boring parenting books.

You don't have time because you're
always reading the baby name books.

Oh! By the way, what do you
think of the name Femonique?

Warmer, but no.

Look, Min, I need you ready

for when this
baby comes. Okay?

I made you a delicious breakfast.
Close your eyes.

Ooh! Now we're talking.

Okay. Open 'em up.

Oh, God!
What?

What the hell is that?
It's oatmeal.

I'm expected to eat this?
It's steel-cut.

It is 9 a.m. On a Sunday. Hmm.

I need eggs.
I need waffles.

I need four kinds of pig's meat.

I don't need no
bowl of oatmeals.

With your morning sickness,
no way!

You gotta eat healthy.
Start now.

I have been eating
for two my entire life

and now I actually
have an excuse.

I'm not going to waste it
on steel-cut oats. Okay.

Look, pregnancy is hard enough as it is.
You're right.

I am also starting my own fertility clinic.
Yes, you are.

I had to completely put
my modeling career on hold.

What? I need these
simple pleasures.

By the way, you should talk.

Don't you think I know about your
little cigarette smoking habit?

No. When I heard
about the baby,

I quit smoking. Cold turkey.
That reminds me...

Cold turkey.

For protein.
I'm going to kill you.

Good morning. As you're
no doubt aware,

the practice is once again
facing a moment of crisis.

I know! The homeless guy sleeping
in our courtyard is back.

I keep finding
his trash out there.

I'm buying
a B.B. Gun.

You can use my gun.
It's in the fridge.

With Peter having left
and Mindy branching out

to start her
own fertility practice,

we're busier than ever,
which is great,

but we do need to hire
a new doctor immediately.

You know who we need?
Someone modern and cool

who can relate to me and everyone
else in Generation Hunger Games.

I'm sorry, did
you say "modern and cool"?

Psst! Hello,
Dr. C?

Oh, no. Don't look.

Okay, we're looking to hire a
doctor, not an aspiring R&B singer.

Sir, I just want one donut
on each of my fingers.

It's not that hard to...
I'll just do it myself.

Mindy? Mindy Lahiri?
Dr. Phillips?

Wow. I haven't seen you
since med school graduation!

You were always
my favorite professor.

Oh, that's nice.
You look great!

Thank you. Your acne
really cleared up!

It actually migrated
to my butt, but thank you!

Oh, I actually saw the inside of your
apartment in Architectural Digest.

They always have it
in my psychic's waiting room

and there it was.

Yes, since I've retired I have
plenty of time to decorate.

But can I confess something?

I had the "hots" for you, too.

Yes. I got all
your letters.

Since I've retired
I'm a little bored.

Wait, I may be getting
kind of a good idea.

Our practice is looking
for a new doctor.

And if you're bored,
I might be the answer.

Interesting.

Ron's busy with his hedge fund

and the twins still
aren't talking to me.

Well, this is perfect.
I'm going to call you in.

You're going to meet the other guys.
Great.

It's so good to run into you.
Good to see you.

Bye, Dr. Phillips. I love you!
Bye-bye.

Beverly! Beverly,
I found our girl!

So you can tell Dr. Reed's parade
of melvins that they are dismissed.

The melvins have already camped
out in the conference room.

Oh, my God.
It's very inconvenient.

That's where I lock myself
when I need to be racist.

I don't think you should be...
Hey, what's the hold up here?

I came all the way from the
suburbs to meet for this job!

Sorry, sir. But the suburbs
aren't that far.

The suburbs of Philadelphia!

I need to be back there at 5:00 for
my daughter's cheer competition.

Brenda says I have
to bring the juice.

I'm going to handle
this one for you, boss.

You're really annoying the
lady and you gotta leave.

Look, I came all this
way, I'm interviewing.

So take this and go get
me a cup of coffee.

The button hurt my cheek!

You didn't really
take care of that, did you?

Sir, I'm sorry,
the position has been filled

by someone who
would fit in better

with our kind of trendy,
cosmopolitan office atmosphere.

Someone like, from
the mind of Shonda Rhimes.

Who's Shonda Rhimes?

- Oh, my God.
- Wow.

"Who's Shonda Rhimes?"

Scandal. Grey's Anatomy.

How to Get Away With Murder.
Private Practice.

Crossroads, the movie.

You know what? Your loss!
I'm board certified,

highly recommended,
I got a nice loud voice!

All right, everybody, let's go.
The job's been filled.

Anybody who wants
a ride to Philly?

We're splitting gas
"Fif-Fif."

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, keep on walking.
Move it, shorty.

Wait, wait, where are
my doctors going?

Chill, Jeremy.
I sent them all home,

because I found
the perfect doctor.

Suzanne Phillips, bitches.

Suzanne Phillips?
Well, she's amazing,

but isn't she rich and retired?

She might have been retired
but guess who got to her?

Me. Mindy Lahiri.

I got charm and elegance
like a polished debutante.

You forgot
your barf bucket.

Oh, God. Yeah, I'm
going to need this.

I can feel it coming up.
Go, go, go, go.

Hey.
Nothing! Nothing! Ah!

Knock much? I could
have been watching porn.

Did you forget about
our checkup with Pete?

I was just eating
my banana, my favorite food.

Yeah? Let's go.
Yeah.

Hey-hey. How are
my favorite Milf and Dilf?

What's up, Pete? Hey, Peter!
How's Texas?

It's good! I think you'd
really like it here, Mindy.

Everyone spits.
Cool.

Pete, how's it going with Lauren?
Things going good?

We went on a date.

It wasn't really
a date actually.

Full disclosure. I
rear-ended her with my car

when I was following
behind her too closely.

But now we are having
lunch one time T.B.D.

Aw! Peter!

But enough about me.
Let's talk pregnancy.

Mindy, how are you feeling?
I'm okay.

I wish I still had my period
to blame my behavior on.

And Mussolini over here is
trying to make me eat better.

Italy's most organized leader?

Yeah, I'll take that, Pete.

You know, Mindy, I'm
looking over your chart

and due to your age and weight,

you fall into a special
category of pregnancy.

What kind of special category?

Like Hot-Ethnic-Power-Moms?

Shh.
Sort of.

Technically, you qualify as a
geriatric obese pregnancy.

How dare you?
Stop. Stop. No. Don't.

Mindy?
Go to hell, Peter.

As your doctor, I'm officially putting
Danny in charge of your diet.

Okay.

Lahiri, hand over the candy.

Look at this.

Happy?
All the candy.

You gotta be kidding me?

Dr. Phillips,
your career is legendary.

You already
get on with this one,

which historically has been one of
the biggest hurdles to working here.

That's enough. I'm a dream.
But I do have to ask...

Are you really looking
for this much work,

you know, at this stage
of your career?

How much work is involved?
It's not too bad.

I mean, last week, I only slept on
the floor of my office four times.

I take Sunday mornings
off for church.

Guys, you are not
selling us well.

Dr. Phillips,
this is the sexiest

and coolest office
in all of Manhattan. Okay.

I'm doing this guy plus
I'm always touching everyone.

Okay, okay. Stop it. What are you doing?
If you see anything you like...

This job's for you

if you show up, say goodbye
to your social life,

and work to the bone.

I... I see you're
all very busy.

And, obviously, I need to
discuss this with my husband.

Of course.

But it's been a pleasure.

Milady, I'll escort you out.
I have your gift bag.

I put a coffee mug in there.
That's my purse.

And may I say, you are the most beautiful
woman I have ever seen in my life.

Okay, Morgan. Stop. Stop.
That's not appropriate.

Thank you.

There we go.
I'll get the door for you.

Thank you.

Ow! Didn't trip.
I was stretching.

Yes!

Okay.
There you go.

Why is this steak white?
What's with this green crud?

Where's my dessert? Oh,
yeah, I forgot. Sorry.

I printed out these really
funny Yogi Berra quotes.

If you're still hungry,
just read those,

that will definitely
take your mind off things.

Hey, guys! We're gonna party
like it's my birthday!

'Cause it is!
Oh, my God.

It's my favorite
kind of cake, gigantic.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Sit down.
Willpower. Willpower.

If you can give up smoking,
then I can do this. Yeah.

I can eat this white steak
you brought me.

Chicken.

Delicious. Mmm.

I am so proud of you.

May this lunch be the beginning

of a lifetime of healthy eating.

A lifetime?

What do you mean a lifetime?

Oh.

No, no, no, no.

Mindy, have you heard
from Dr. Phillips yet?

I'm nervous.
We don't have a backup!

What are you eating?
Is this a joke?

There's a birthday cake here?

Yeah, yeah. You know what?
Screw this.

I will have some cake.
Happy Birthday!

- Happy Birthday.
- Oh, my God.

Dr. L, I was going to take
a selfie with the cake.

It's a great cake.

Mindy, I found this half
a banana in my gym bag.

Hey, sweetheart. I just
left for two seconds.

They were forcing me to.
You are a damn liar!

I got a baby in there
and he's cooking

and he needs some
healthy chicken.

You know what? You have
no willpower, Mindy.

No willpower.

You ruined my birthday.

I need to take the rest of the week off.
Oh, Tamra.

Hey, Pepe!

Oh, yeah.

My snacks are pretty gross
but Danny's right,

I have to eat healthier for
the health of my own litter.

Wanna try some?
Maybe you'll like it.

I've seen you
eat out of the garbage

and you've seen me
eat out of the garbage.

It's green beans or something.

Pepe! Just
try it, Pepe.

It's not that bad.

Oh, my God. Tamra!
I found the bum.

Hey! You! Get a job!

Danny? Danny,
are you smoking?

You're chain smoking?

I can't believe you, Danny.

Smoking is literally the stupidest
and most harmful thing you can do,

and this is coming from
a woman who considered

eating cheese from a
mouse trap this morning.

Yeah, and not to mention the rubbish
that Doris is going to have to clean up

and all the lies
we now have to live with.

The lies, Danny!
Doris, Danny!

I'm sorry.
It calms me down.

I tried painting but I kept
painting my own tombstone

and my teacher said I was
bumming everyone out.

All this time you
were giving me crap

about my prenatal diet
when you were doing this?

This? Oh, I think that
makes you a hypocrite

or a "hypocryte,"

I've only ever seen
the word written.

Hypocrite.

Let's not fight. It's a beautiful night.
The moon's out.

You look gorgeous, babe. Okay.

Get over here.
Give me a kiss.

- Ow!
- Oh!

Tamra! You just shot me!

I thought you were the bum!

There's no way you could
have thought I was the bum!

You don't dress that great.
You could have been the bum.

For the last time!
We don't shoot anybody.

You deserve getting shot.

Ow! Shoot him again, Tamra!

- No! No!
- Don't!

No, no, no!
Do it, Tamra!

Listen up, everyone. I
have an announcement to make.

I'm sorry I let you down, okay?

I'm going to quit smoking
once and for all.

That's it.
It's over.

"We must be the change
we wish to see in this world."

Gandhi said that. First of
all, John Mayer said that.

Gandhi said,
"The British are coming!"

And that's how he got
independence for India.

Okay. I don't doubt
you think that's true.

Speaking of extraordinary
Indian people,

Mindy, I believe if you
put your mind to it,

you can have a fit pregnancy.

Oh, do you?
Yes, I do.

Well, I will start eating
better when you quit smoking.

Great. Well, you can start right now.
It's 8:30 in the morning!

Stop eating cheese puffs!

Guess what, dude? You're
nothing but a drug addict.

Okay. Come on.
I'm not a drug addict.

All I know is somebody needs to
reimburse me for my B.B. Gun!

Danny, as an act of contrition,

you can pick up the rest of Peter's
deliveries for the rest of the month.

Mindy, you gotta concentrate
on finding a replacement

for the disaster
that was Dr. Phillips.

And before you say it,
Dr. Dre is not a real doctor.

Okay. He has
an M.D. In hip-hop

that is neither here nor there.

Fine, I will do it

because on some level this
staffing issue is my fault.

On every level, it's your fault.

I am sorry that I have some
standards for the people

that I want to work with!
Standards?

We're replacing Peter! The guy talked
like Chewbacca 30% of the time.

Pretty good, my Yoda is.

Not as good as Jeremy's C-3PO.
Check this out.

I'm not doing
a C-3PO impression!

This is how I talk. That's
pretty good, right?

Danny, stop smoking.

Mindy, start staffing.

Everyone else, get back to work.
All right.

Hello? Hello? Read 'em
and weep, Lahiri.

"Classic Mailboxes of Suffolk County.
A Wall Calendar."

No. I haven't had
a cigarette in two weeks,

which means I quit, sweetheart.

So, you can say
goodbye to this garbage.

You quit smoking?
Yep.

How? Are you
using the patch?

That's cheating, Danny.
No.

Nicotine patches are for the weak.
I quit the old-fashioned way.

Self-discipline, prayer,

and putting a picture
of the Boston Red Sox logo

on the pack of my smokes.

When I am stressed I need to eat
trans fats and corn syrups.

But that's fine,
because in this country

we celebrate the
extremely overweight

and the terrifyingly slim.

This in-between thing I was doing?
That was the problem.

I need to just go for it!
And I need to get huge.

You know why you
have morning sickness?

Because you eat terribly

and you refuse
to modify your lifestyle

even though you're
pregnant with our baby.

It's our baby, Mindy.
Come on.

I do not want to be the only
parent in this relationship.

I don't want that.

Congratulations on
giving up smoking.

That's a really hard thing
to do and I'm proud of you.

Well, thank you very much.

I wish I could fix myself
as easily as you can

but I can't.

But now I'm pregnant.
I sweat constantly.

I need to carry
a barf pail around.

My nipples are like nine shades
darker than they used to be.

Look, it's okay.
No, it's not okay.

It's not okay.

I'm an OB/GYN,

I'm supposed to be telling
my patients what to do

and the truth is that...

I have no idea.

Babe? You okay?
Babe? Mindy?

Oh, here's where
I left my jacket.

You know I've been walking
around in my daughter's

cheerleading windbreaker
for the last two weeks!

See? No, you know what? A
decent person would have called

about a mysterious men's coat.

But I guess you,
Dr. Lahiri,

are just a little too inconsiderate
to think about any...

I'm so sorry.

It's all over you.
No, no. It's fine.

Get it all out.

I'm usually so elegant.
You're going to be all right.

You're going to be fine.
Here have a seat.

Okay. Here
you go, champ.

Let me save you some time.

It's garden-variety
morning sickness

exacerbated by
poor food choices.

I disagree.

Judging by the contents
of her stomach,

which appear to be sour
candy worms, Mac-n-Cheese,

and what looks like
the acetate strip

that holds
a cheesecake in place,

I'd say Dr. Lahiri
has a steel stomach.

Oh, my God! My angel.
No, no. Okay.

This should be me. This
should be my windbreaker

that's covered in puke. Easy.
She's going to be fine. Listen.

I'm going to be sick again.
Okay. Oh, man.

It is my medical opinion that

Dr. Lahiri does not have
diet-triggered morning sickness.

She has stress-triggered
morning sickness.

Oh, well, that's
a really cool diagnosis.

I think we know how to treat Dr.
L's morning sickness.

Excuse me, please.
Unbelievable.

All right. Hey there old girl.
It's time for a steam.

I'm going to put you
in that hot pipe room.

I'm going to wrap you
in blankets

and I'm going to
turn up the heat.

The last thing a nauseous
pregnant woman needs

is to sit still in
a hot, windowless room.

Excuse me.

Look here, cowboy.

We do it my way or we
don't do it at all. Fine.

I think we should do
what Dr. Bergdahl said.

You sure about that?

I made a bunch of goulash.
No, I'm not interested.

Let's get you out of
these clothes.

Wait, Dr. Bergdahl?

Thank you.
Yeah.

Unfortunately, I think
your windbreaker's finished.

So, what do you think is stressing out Dr.
Lahiri so much?

She doesn't pay her taxes.

I think she had a hit and run thing
in the Hamptons. I don't know.

It was misleading of me to ask
that in the form of a question.

What I meant to say is I think
you're stressing her out.

Me? Okay.
That's ridiculous.

I'm her rock. Literally!

She sits on me
to think sometimes.

Oh.

Looks like you're trying
to kick something, too.

What's your drug of choice, huh?

Is it smack? Booze?

Anorexia?
Oh, come on.

I'm super excited for March.
All right.

It'll be a great month.
Whatever, man.

All I'm saying is
when that baby comes

all bets are off.

You haven't slept in three days.

You got this creature
screaming at you.

It won't tell you what it wants.

Maybe you ate a little
baby poop by accident.

You're going to backslide.

You're going to go
back to that vice.

And you are definitely going to
want her to cut you some slack.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait. Adrian?

What if I asked you
to work here?

Danny! Can't you see
I'm having my supper?

You gotta run this stuff by me.

Yeah, well,
I just trust the guy.

I don't know.
And so does Mindy.

But he looks like the guy who can't
sleep in a cold medicine commercial.

I suppose
we are out of options.

Dr. Bergdahl, would you like to
join the practice on a trial basis?

Oh, yeah. I'm out of options,
too, so you got a deal.

Hi. So I just walked
Dr. Lahiri home.

And this fedora, which some of you
called, "the crime of the century,"

caught most of her barf.

So, I'll be in my office
accepting all apologies.

No.

Morgan, I'd like you
to meet our new doctor.

Dr. Bergdahl.

Yeah, you're pretty
insightful for a giraffe.

Mr. Neck's a good listener, right?
What?

No. I wasn't just talking
to your stuffed animal.

That's ridiculous.
Okay.

Besides, he claims
to know Brown Bear,

which... How would
they have met?

You know why I think you have
so much trouble with willpower?

I don't know, because I'm
Hindu and on some level

I feel like I'll have
another shot at all this?

No, no, because
it's really, really hard.

The only reason
I'm good at it is because

my entire religious education

is based on
one man's self-sacrifice.

I mean, why do you
think I wear this?

So people don't think
you're Jewish?

No, please be quiet.

I think I'm hard
on you sometimes because...

I'm worried

when the little guy comes that

I'm not going to know
what the hell I'm doing.

And I need you, Mindy.

I need you to be around.

Are you serious?
Yeah.

Danny, I only get upset
with you about your smoking

because I need you around!

I can't do this by myself.

Yeah?
Yeah.

I was so scared when I found
out that I was pregnant.

But I thought the kid will be
fine because you're the dad.

Really?

Come here.

One second.
One second.

Get it all out.

I'm good. Take your pants off.

Ripped By mstoll