Original subtitles

Every girl dreams of her perfect proposal.

But when I imagined the day that Danny Castellano would propose...

I did not imagine it would look like this.

I can't believe we're having a baby.

Okay, get up. Get your stuff. Let's go.

We're going down to City Hall.

What? Why?

For our quickie shame wedding!

Quickie shame wedding?

Yeah. We say the baby was conceived today,

seven months from now, we could be like,

"Oh, wow! We had an 11-pound preemie."

Boom. We're good with God. Let's go.

Grab it. No, no.

I don't want you to propose out of shame.

It should be out of love

or at a minimum for ratings for our reality show, Danny.

And certainly not in the doctors' lounge

late at night when Morgan is sleeping

with his hands down his pants five feet away.

Okay, yeah, maybe now's not the best time.

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Hey, buddy boy. What's going on in there?

You make any new friends?

You meet the guts? The kidneys?

Hey, don't let anybody push you around, okay?

You're a Castellano. I love you.

Okay. That's very sweet. But you know what?

I actually need to pack

otherwise I'm going to miss my flight.

Hold on, sorry, I just want to go over the state capitals

with him one more time.

No. Do not make him a nerd.

Okay. I'm gonna be a dad.

Okay, are you sure you want to go back to San Francisco?

Why don't you just stay here in New York?

You can work until the little guy comes

and then quit and take care of him and make sauce.

Danny, this is not Boko Haram.

All right, I'm not going to quit my job.

I still want to start that fertility clinic with Rob.

Uh, okay, but you're... You're pregnant.

It's the 20th century.

A woman can have professional ambitions

and still have a family.

I mean, rich women.

I get it, but sometimes, family has to come first.

And your family, our family

is here in New York City.

Well, I have family in San Francisco.

Who? Your brother Rishi?

You haven't seen him once since you've been out there.

Hey, we have made several lunch plans.

And, yes, he canceled them all

but always for a good reason.

Like one time, he was working on this really dope rap.

The other time, he fell asleep. Hmm.

But it doesn't matter.

The only family that matters now

is you, me, and Little Mindy.

Now I have to get on a plane.

I'll move to San Francisco with you.

Really? Yeah.

To San Francisco?

I kind of like San Francisco. San Francisco's... It's grown on me.

I don't mind wearing a fleece to a restaurant.

It's cool. What about your Mom?

I'll fly home every Sunday, take her to church.

But that's not important.

What's important is exactly what you just said.

This. Us. The three of us.

Thank you, Danny.

I love you. I love you.

Okay. You pack your bags.

Go to San Francisco and I'm going to stay here

in New York, and I'm going to break the news to Jeremy.

He's not gonna be happy 'cause, you know,

we're leaving him in the lurch. It's not cool.

Just tell him I'm pregnant. What? No. Are you nuts?

No, no, no, no. We're not telling anyone

until your second trimester. That's how it works.

Danny, that's such a long time from now!

What if I forget?

And you, you'll tell me if she blabs, right?

We stick together.

Ah, I love this guy.

Okay. It's probably a girl.

No, no, no. It's a boy. I can hear his penis.

What? Oh, yeah. It's big.

Oh, God.

Oh, just the guy I was looking for.

Jeremy, I need to talk to you about something.

Yeah, of course. Hold those doors! Whoa!

Cliff. How's it going?

I haven't seen you in a while.

Yeah, I'm actually doing really well.

It's a good time to be a divorce attorney, I'll tell you that.

Three years after gay marriage

and those divorces are finally rolling in.

We're actually moving to nicer offices.

Oh, wonderful!

See? Everybody is moving to greener pastures.

Peter, Lauren, Mindy.

You know what the brave thing would be?

Is stay behind in your dry, brown pasture

that but for a spark might set ablaze!

Sure. Well, let me know

if you hear of anyone looking for office space.

Danny, what was it you wanted to tell me?

Uh... I wanted to...

Do you want my watch?

Do I want your watch?

Yeah.

Yes, please.

Son of a bitch.

What? Nothing. Take it.

Thanks. Hmm.

Yeah, this guy on the subway,

I asked him if he was done with his coffee

and he was sleeping, so I took it.

Wait a minute, Morgan, is that a dad penguin

protecting his baby penguin from the Arctic cold?

Well, yeah, it's the "Nature's Dads" issue

so good call, Eisenstein.

Can I borrow it?

Yeah, sure.

That is so cute.

He's just nestled up next to him.

Uh, thanks for meeting me here, Mindy.

God, I hope my credit's okay.

You know what, Rob? Whatever happens,

we're in this together.

So, unfortunately

you have been denied for your small business loan.

What? Damn it, Gurgler! I'll kill you!

What have you been doing?

Because of your credit, Miss Lahiri.

Exsqueeze me? No, no, no.

I don't think so. I have exquisite credit.

I have 25 credit cards!

It's not that. It says you were

a guarantor for an apartment that defaulted.

Oh, no, the apartment that I cosigned with my little brother.

Wait. Fine. My credit's bad. Do you accept "street-cred?"

Well, Dr. Gurgler's credit is fine.

He could take out the loan in just his name.

No, I... I'd have to assume all financial responsibility?

No. I'm a coward in every sense of the word.

One second, please.

Hey, man. I just convinced Danny to move out to California.

This is a man who thinks America ends with Nebraska.

I just... I don't want to give up on this practice already.

It's going to be so amazing.

Yeah, it is.

Okay. Fine. I'll take out the loan.

Thank you. You hear that, Little Mindy?

We're going to be A-okay.

Who's Little Mindy?

Um... Uh, it's just what I call my crotch.

Oh!

Thanks for meeting on such short notice, Mel.

I wanted to amend my will.

So, you no longer wish to leave your estate to Annette Castellano

and the Priests of Saint Anthony's Defense Fund.

No, I still want to do that.

I also want to include Mindy Lahiri to it.

Why? That woman is terrible with money.

Yeah. She opened up another credit card

last week for a free cupcake.

Yeah, well, circumstances have changed, Mel,

and I need to make sure she's taken care of.

Hey, I have some papers for you to sign.

Yeah. Excuse me, Mel.

I am starting an autograph collection.

You guys continue with what you were saying.

No, I'm good. You sure?

Yep. Get out of here. Yeah, I got to go.

Well, Danny, I can make that change

to your will in a couple of days.

Great, 'cause I need all my affairs in order this week.

I don't have much time.

Well, I hate to do it, but okay.

Come on. Get in. Get in.

Okay. All right.

Oh, God.

This better be good, Morgan.

The reason I called you all in here,

Doctor C...

Is dying.

What?

Which one's Doctor C?

Hey, Cliff? It's Mindy.

Your favorite ex-girlfriend.

Oh, wow! I'm... I'm actually surprised to hear from you.

I'm fairly certain I blocked your number.

Okay, here's the deal.

I need some pro-bono legal advice.

Who do I sue to fix my credit score?

Mindy, I don't have time for this, okay? I'm very busy, all right.

I'm trying to unload my office space.

I got movers here right now.

Oh, cool. Where are you going?

Oh, well, you know, it's a funny story actually.

Hello? Hello? Damn it, Cliff.

Rishi, it's your sister. Open this door this minute.

Hey! How you doing? Get in here, okay?

My landlord, he can't catch me outside. What?

But he can't do anything to me in here

'cause California's got mad squatter's rights, son.

That is not how squatter's rights work.

Come here. Come here. I missed you so much.

I missed you, too.

What the hell, man! Ow!

Ow! Why haven't you paid your rent?

You totally ruined my credit.

I'm sorry, woman. It's just that

I'm a rapper now and that comes with cash flow problems.

That last part's not true, okay?

I haven't gotten laid in six months.

I'm pretty lonely.

Okay, well, that rap was mad tight.

But I am mad, mad at you!

Rishi, you cannot be this little idiot

that I have to take care of anymore.

Because, spoiler alert,

there's going to be a new stupid little idiot that I have to take care of.

Yeah. I'm going to have a baby.

You're going to have... In there?

Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

It makes perfect sense. You're totally showing.

No. Not yet, not yet. Yeah!

It's months too early. Don't go down this path.

Oh, my mistake. Well, anyway, you should sit down, all right?

Oh, my gosh. Wow!

You haven't told Mom and Dad, have you?

Have I told Mom and Dad

that I am unmarried and pregnant with a white man's baby?

No. There is a world in which I never tell them.

Oh, my God. I'm going to be an uncle.

I cannot believe it. I'm going to steal his little nose

and I'm going to learn how to do magic.

I'm going to take quarters out from behind his little "errs."

What quarters, Rishi? You have no money!

I know, but I'm working on stuff.

I've been picking up some odd jobs.

Come on, Rishi. You have a degree in biology.

You can get a job...

Wait, you could be a med tech at my new practice.

Really? You think I'd be good at that?

No. But no one except your sister is ever going to hire you.

Okay. But first you're going to have to interview with my partner,

so please go put on some clothes.

Morgan, you're being dramatic.

I don't see how that is necessary.

We never use the white board.

Danny is not dying, guys.

He's the healthiest person I know.

His favorite junk food is raisins.

Well, he has been hella emo lately.

Also, he changed his will today

and he bought a gravestone!

Okay, where is everyone? I'm signing for packages out here!

Change that, Morgan. Hurry!

Change that! What are you guys doing? What's up?

Morgan, I told you, I'm not buying lunch anymore, okay?

The last time, you ordered a T-shirt from the deli.

Okay. I know you're angry

and I want you to know that I hear you and it's okay to feel like that.

Yeah, I know. Thanks.

Are you free tonight?

Nah, I have plans. But I think grandmother wants to bail.

I'm obviously not looking in your direction.

Do you want to come over to my place tonight?

There's, uh, something really important

I need to talk to you about.

- Sounds good... - I'm so sorry.

I don't know if you're talking to me or not.

It's a little confusing.

Sure, of course I can come over.

Whatever you need. Great.

Hey, guys.

I know I don't say this a lot, but...

You're great co-workers and amazing friends.

Thanks.

So, Rishi,

when Mindy said we should hire the guy who ruined her credit,

I was concerned.

Yeah, you know, I would be too.

It's just... I was going through a really emotional time

and I don't know, Dr. Gurgler,

if you've ever been through anything like that.

Well, uh, actually, I have.

I recently went through a devastating breakup.

I even had a good cry in the car on the way over here.

But, um, anyway, uh, all is forgiven.

Yeah, boy.

You're the man now, dawg! That is very sweet.

Now, Rishi, why don't you tell him

a little bit about your freelancing?

Oh, that's great. Uh, do you have a reference we could call?

Uh, yes. I do, actually.

And he'd love to talk with you.

I don't know his name,

but if he were here right now... Sorry, sorry...

What do you mean, you don't know his name?

I don't know. We just call him Big Murder.

Your boss' name is Big Murder?

Uh, listen, I've got a very pressing work matter

that requires my immediate attention so I gots to go

but I'll be right back. I'm sorry... Wait... What?

Rishi? Rishi?

All right, look, I know he's your brother, but I...

Listen, I know this has to be a business decision

but Rishi is not a charity case.

He got good grades at Stanford.

I can tell you he is a good kid.

Is he? 'Cause it looks like he's outside dealing drugs.

I cannot believe you are a drug dealer.

Whoa! All right. I am barely a drug dealer.

I just sell weed and like everything else.

You know what? I'm going to call Mom and Dad,

and they're going to kill you, and then you're going to

get reincarnated, and they're going to kill you again!

Yeah, fine. You, you call them, okay?

'Cause I'm going to call them

and I'm going to tell them you're knocked up.

Wait! No, no, no. Don't do that!

Fine. Mine is worse. But you know what?

I'm happy this happened because I almost hired

a stupid drug dealer to come and work at my practice.

Oh, hey, you might not believe this

but marijuana legalization is an issue that I'm really passionate about.

Oh! Do not try to take the high road on this one.

Mindy Junior, listen up, this rant,

it applies to you!

Marijuana is the worst.

It makes you fat and lazy.

Is that what you think America's problem is,

'cause of all the fat and lazy people?

At least cocaine has an industrious spirit.

"Oh, I want to sell stocks on Wall Street faster!"

"Oh, I need to dance more!"

You know what? You're coming with me.

We're going to go to your boss and you are going to quit.

Okay. Fine. I'll quit. All right. Just relax. We're in public.

You're illing my steez.

Talk normal! Come on.

Hey. Thanks for coming. Have a seat, man.

Look, Jeremy, I'm...

I'm not going to be at the practice anymore

because, well, I'm not going to be here.

Oh, my God. Morgan was right.

What? Don't say anything else, Danny.

I know. Yeah. You do?

Danny, I'm so sorry.

What? You're sorry. Look,

Jeremy, I'm sorry. I mean, I'm abandoning the practice.

What? The very fact that you're even thinking

about the practice at a time like this,

it's a testament to the selfless way you lived...

Live... Your life.

Well, thanks, pal.

You're taking it amazingly.

I have to ask you, aren't you afraid?

Yeah. I don't want to leave. I'm going to miss you guys.

Not to mention New York-style pizza.

You don't know. Maybe they have that there.

Nah, it's all Chinese food and tacos.

Hey, I'll tell you this much.

I'm going to come back and visit you.

Oh, my Aunt lmogen does that to warn me of things.

Cool.

How about Mindy? What did she say?

Uh, she was happy. She said it was

the best present I ever gave her. What?

Yeah. What a monster.

Eh, she's okay. Hey, you want a drink?

Uh, get you a scotch? Just a second.

Okay. Yep. Just a minute longer.

Get in. Get in. Get in. Okay. Okay. Whoo!

How'd it go? Yeah.

So Big Murder, he wouldn't let me quit,

but I think it's for the best, you know?

What? He's going to force you to be a drug dealer?

Seems that way. Yep.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. It's going to be okay.

I just came here to start a fertility clinic.

No. No. No.

What... What are you doing?

Woman, where you going?

Do not tell your father about this.

Hey! You can't kill me. I tweeted I was coming here.

Leo, I got you covered for award season.

All right. I have to go.

May I help you?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I am looking for Big Murder.

What are you? Like his math tutor?

You know I became a drug dealer to break stereotypes like that.

Wait, you're Big Murder?

They call me Big Murder because I killed it in business school.

But my friends call me Greg, and I don't know what our dynamic is yet.

Oh... Well... It is, it is bad.

How dare you, sir, menace my little brother into working for you?

Okay. The only one who gets to menace him is me.

I didn't menace him. I offered him a raise and he accepted.

20%.

What? Rishi, what the hell is wrong with you?

Look, I'm sorry, but what was I supposed to do, okay?

You're not going to hire me.

And I called up Silicon Valley to get a job

and they offered me something in H.R. What is that?

Rishi's making a smart business move.

He told me you were only going to pay him minimum wage.

Oh, boo-hoo. First of all, in San Francisco,

minimum wage is like $5 million an hour.

He's worth it.

He spearheaded our Day-After-Thanksgiving Green Friday sale.

He's one of my best guys.

Really? Yes.

Thank you, Big Murder.

I'm sorry. Are you getting validation from this guy?

What? No.

Oh, my God. You straight up love this dude.

I thought you were in this for the "dolla-dolla bill y'all,"

but really you just like the feeling of someone believing in you.

Yeah, why wouldn't I?

Everyone else thinks I'm a screw-up. I can't pay bills

and did you know that I keep my side-view mirrors

attached with straight-up derkt tape.

Rishi, I don't think you're a screw-up.

Look, I'm sorry that I'm so hard on you.

And, yeah, I know that Greg is handsome and cool

and that photo implies that he owns a boat.

I do. Wish I could get down to the marina more often.

But I'm your sister and I have your back.

And you know what?

You can still work for me.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

I can offer you a 30% raise

and you can throw a party on the H.M.S. T.H.C.

I mean, I never use it.

Ooh, that's interesting. Sis?

Counter-offer?

Okay, uh, my counter-offer is that

if you continue to be a drug dealer,

I will kill you.

Then I will kill Greg,

and I will burn this building to the ground.

Okay, well, then I will be in the car. Thanks.

I'll never forget you, Big Murder.

Get out of here. No. You're not going to keep in touch with him.

You know what? I'm onto you

with your perfect face and your awesome suit.

But I am not as stupid as my hotness would imply.

You know, Dr. Lahiri, I could offer you seven figures a year,

writing phony prescriptions.

I'm in.

I am not in.

Mmm. Good test, though.

Thank you, Greg. Great to meet you.

Goodbye.

What's going on? What, are you throwing a party?

I had my desert for the day, cup of orange juice, so...

Danny, in the light of your departure,

the office has put together a little tribute for you.

For me? Yeah!

Wow, guys, that's really nice of you. Thank you.

Morgan and I wrote a song. Ready?

I cannot do this. I'm sorry. I don't understand.

Why is this happening? You're too young and beautiful to die.

What? I'm not dying. I'm going to San Francisco.

Wait... What?

Yeah, I told you that last night.

Uh, no, no, no, you told me to my face,

"I'm dying. Take care of Mindy.

"And by 'take care of, ' I mean sexually."

Okay, I never said that.

Why would Morgan make that up? Thank you.

How can you and Mindy leave?

What's going to happen to the rest of us?

I refuse to work anywhere else!

I love being a paralegal here!

Guys, I'm so sorry for the confusion.

You know what, don't apologize to us,

apologize to the Staten Island Catholic Boys Choir!

Wait, you're not dying?

We were supposed to sing at a bank opening today!

Look, I'm sorry, kids. I'm a big booster of you guys.

You'll understand one day. I did it for a girl.

Ew! Ew, indeed, Danny.

Aren't you ashamed? Disappointing singing children like that?

You make me sick.

You know, when you were dying, we all loved you.

Now, you're my least-favorite person in the office.

You're no one to me. You know what,

I've had it with you guys, okay!

I'm moving away because Mindy's pregnant!

Ew!

Wait. For reals?

Yeah.

Are you serious? Yeah.

Oh, my Golly. Thanks.

Oh, oh! Morgan Grandmother Castellano.

That's got a good ring to it.

Hey, there you are!

I have great news.

I sorted everything out with Rishi.

He's no longer a drug dealer, so he can work at the practice now.

Are you insane? No, all right?

This is not some two-bit family business

where you can store all your unemployable relatives.

This is not Wahlburgers!

Okay. Rob, listen,

I know that hiring Rishi would be a risky business decision.

Yes.

But he's my brother, Rob.

And more than that, I want to work at a place

that gives people second chances.

At my old practice, basically everyone there was damaged goods.

Yeah, well, no wonder you wanted to leave that place.

Yeah, well, maybe I don't want to.

Wait, what are you saying?

I don't know. Maybe Mark and Donnie Wahlberg are onto something.

Maybe, when you're starting a business only three things should matter,

family, second chances,

and juicy, delicious hamburgers.

I'll pay you back for the loan but we're done.

I'm sorry, Rob. Goodbye.

Wait. Mindy! Mindy!

Mark and Donnie Wahlberg are never onto something.

I can't believe I'm leaving Stanford early,

just another pregnant teen dropout.

I mean, I just feel like such a failure.

Rob was my one shot to get my own fertility practice.

Whoa, what makes you think that, that white man is the only reason

you can have your own practice?

I mean, in terms of entitlement and personality,

you're the whitest man I know.

God, Rishi, that's like the nicest thing

that anyone has ever said to me.

But how am I supposed to do it now,

all alone, expecting a baby, come on.

Well, why not? Huh?

I'm doing this fellowship on my own and I have Neil.

Sure, it's more work than I ever had before.

But with my son,

I have a better reason to work than I ever had before.

Huh. My own practice,

but even if I wanted to, where would I even start?

Oh. Hey, Cliff.

Danny. How are you?

Good. How you doing? I'm good.

Hey, I... I heard the big news. Congratulations.

Well, I got to tell you, we're really excited.

Yeah. Yeah. And you're the father?

Yes, of course, I'm the father!

Okay. You know, Cliff, you may not know this

but Mindy and I are a great couple.

Okay. Cool. Hey, you know, she called me the other day?

She did? Wait. Why? Yeah.

I don't know. Well, that's funny.

She's calling me again right now. She is?

Yeah. Mindy? Hey.

Hey, Cliff? Hey, do you still have that office space available?

My office space? Yeah, it is. Why do you ask?

Because I want it.

You want it?

Wait... What?

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