Original subtitles

Yeah, this one is positive,

which makes 30 positives.

But there was that one negative.

The negative was a popsicle stick.

Do you even bother telling your boyfriend

if there's only like a 96% chance you could be pregnant?

100% chance! It was a popsicle stick!

I saw you eat the popsicle and then draw this little minus sign on it,

and then pee on it for some reason.

It's because I have crazy pregnancy brain, Neepa.

Oh, God.

I am really pregnant. Uh-huh.

I have to tell Danny.

Hey. Hey, daddy, I mean Danny. Damn it.

I can't hear you right now, this baby's crying.

Remind me not to have kids until I'm old and deaf.

Larry King's got the right idea.

Mmm-hmm, totally.

I love Larry King.

The thing about telling your Justice Scalia-level Catholic boyfriend

that you're pregnant is that no time ever feels like the right one.

Hey, Danny, do you have a second to...

Whoa, you look hot as hell. Okay, all right.

Relax. Father Francis is doing his big sermon on shame today.

If he even suspects that I'm talking to a girl,

he'll sit me with the masturbators.

Oh, God. Anything you want me to confess for you?

- Nope. Have a good time at church. - Bye.

And then it hit me. I'll come visit him,

plan a romantic weekend getaway

where after a day of pretending to enjoy reading and fresh air,

I'll tell him that we're having a little...

Son of a bitch.

Cindy!

It's Mindy.

Ripped By mstoll

Great to see you again, Alan, Little Danny.

Why are you guys in town?

Oh, are you house-sitting for us while we go away? That's great.

If you're gonna do some laundry, maybe throw some of mine in there,

but I need you to look at the tags because my clothes are on the fancier side.

We're not house-sitting.

She got suspended from school for a week.

Little Danny? But she's so cute.

I slapped my teacher in her dumb face.

And then she slapped the principal,

who happens to be, get this, an Indonesian transgender woman.

So she gets rewarded with a free trip to New York City?

When I was suspended for stalking my teacher,

I was locked in my room for five days.

Yeah, sure, I escaped. 'Cause I mean, nothing was gonna keep me away from Mr. Sherman.

This is no vacation.

I warned her, I said, "You mess up,

"you're gonna have to deal with Big Danny."

Me, she don't listen to. You, she respects.

Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.

This thing with Little Danny is serious.

And I don't think we can go away this weekend.

No, Danny, we have to go away.

I have to tell you something.

I know everything's been weird

since you said you were moving to Frisco,

but everything's great between us. Right now, my family needs me.

Okay. I get it.

Okay? It's probably for the best we're not going anyway.

Don't want to start another forest fire.

Another forest fire? Yeah.

Don't worry about it. It's done.

This is it, Dad. This is where I work.

Who are these people? Let me guess.

Your old scout leader and a little girl robot you built.

Morgan, this is my dad and my baby sis.

Your dad, huh? So this is who we have to thank for a lifetime of grouchiness.

No, no, no, no, we're...

If you hurt this boy again, I will hurt you. Morgan.

You son of a bitch.

Morgan, stop. Morgan, stop.

Welcome. Hello.

Little girl, I like your glasses. You know, I had a pair of glasses.

Want to hear a great story? I'm at the Salvation Army,

they're about to throw them out, I grab them, I say,

"No way, Jose." Now, I wear them three days a week.

All right, hey, Little D, check this out, the kitchen over there,

bottomless toaster pastries.

Oh, there's a bottom, and it is covered in rat droppings.

You want to take a look?

Come on. Okay.

Hey, look at this, Pop.

It's my office. She's okay, yeah. It's fine.

Danny Castellano. Thank you.

Annette? Mindy, hi,

I'm sorry to bother you on your romantic weekend getaway

but I looked online and I'm a little confused, because

that place you're staying, it only has one bed per room.

You know what, we ended up not going.

Did you break up with Danny?

Did Danny break up with you? No, no.

We didn't go because of some last minute, out-of-town visitors.

Okay, then, I guess I'll... It was Alan and Little Danny!

Damn it, you're a good detective.

Danny's father's in town?

After walking out on me, he's back?

I knew I shouldn't have told you, but it's not my fault.

I have ADHDTV. You're mad, huh?

Mindy, no, I'm not still mad at Alan.

It's water under the bridge. In fact,

why don't you all come to dinner tonight?

This isn't one of those dinners where you guilt everyone, is it?

No. Guilt dinners are only for you.

And they may need to stop because it's getting expensive.

I personally would hate to see the man who abandoned me with two small children,

but if you're cool with it, then fine.

See you at 7:00. Bring dessert.

Oh, I shouldn't bring dessert. I'll just eat it in the car...

Hello?

Hello?

You told Ma we'd bring Dad and Little Danny to dinner tonight?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Why didn't you just invite a lion? There'd be less carnage.

I spoke to your mom on the phone.

She seemed really chill about it.

I think that that Wine of the Day club I got her is really working. Sit down.

I'm sorry, Danny, but she seemed really sincere,

like when she tells me she hates my makeup.

Fine. It's okay, it's just... Please don't come.

This is something only family should see,

like when Ma cooks eggs in her bra.

I'm sorry, you don't think of me as family?

You don't want me to come to dinner?

I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, babe.

I gotta go,

make sure Ma doesn't poison the gravy.

Hey Peter, how's Texas treating you?

It's so great! The other day I saw Henry and Lauren for about an hour or two,

and then they saw me and I ran away.

You know what, it's only stalking if it doesn't work.

You make her love you.

Roger that, hoss. So, how's Danny?

Did he make you quit your job when he found out you were pregnant?

Actually, Peter, I haven't told him yet.

I mean, he didn't even invite me to his family dinner tonight.

What? That's crazy. Who's more family than you? You're carrying his child.

Wasn't the whole point in tricking him into getting you pregnant?

For the last time, I did not trick him into getting pregnant, Peter!

Now what do I do?

You go to that dinner!

Family doesn't wait to be invited.

It's like HPV. It just shows up and never leaves.

You're right, Peter!

I gotta be the human equivalent of HPV. Good.

All right, I'm gonna go back to my brisket.

I've actually had two heart attacks since I've been here.

You need to eat some fiber, dude.

Stop, stop, stop the car. Stop!

What are you doing? You can't just run through the street.

This isn't Calcutta. I flew 40,000 miles from San Francisco

because we need time together.

If there's gonna be a Castellano family dinner tonight,

I need to come with you. Okay, get in the car.

Thank you.

Can I run upstairs and make a mixed tape? Your music sucks.

No, get in the car. No NPR, please.

Hey guys.

Hey, cool it with the pies, okay?

Ma's making a special Italian seafood feast.

No one's excused until she can comb her hair with the bones.

Sorry, Danny, I just, I've been craving these apple pies

and they're only available in the doctors' lounge vending machine.

They're from the '80s, before natural ingredients completely ruined snacks.

She's passed out. Unbelievable.

You're like the dog whisperer, Cesar Chavez, only for kids.

How do you think your mom's gonna react tonight?

She gonna take off her earrings?

Whenever my mom was about to let my dad have it,

she'd take her earrings off.

Now, most people think black women invented that.

Nope. Ma.

Either way, I think tonight's gonna be a really warm family affair.

Okay, everybody, be cool. No freaking out.

I feel like you're freaking out. No, I'm not.

Let me get in here. Why did you get back over there?

Hello.

Mindy, Danny, welcome.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, the soup kitchen is just down the road.

Nettie, it's me, Alan, your ex.

Oh, my goodness, Alan.

It's so wonderful to see you after all these years

you've spent baking in the desert sun.

Well, well, well, look what clumped up at the bottom of the drain.

Hello, Dorothy. Thirty years you've been gone.

This woman was shattered.

You leave me to pick up the pieces.

That's why I don't have a husband.

Now, Dot, that's ancient history.

I've never been happier.

In fact, my cheeks actually hurt from smiling so much.

"Ow."

Come on in. Dot will take your coats.

Come in. Sit anywhere.

Danielle, it's so good to finally meet you,

you're just gorgeous!

Could you ask first?

I have stranger issues.

Of course, that's a very normal request.

My apologies.

Don't have to ask me 'cause I love hugs.

Oh, man, I would never leave you hanging for a hug, Mom.

This is a wonderful event.

The house smells beautiful, looks beautiful, and you...

I don't know what you're doing.

I'm like, "Va-va-va-voink," right? Back off.

Thank you for inviting me, you look very beautiful.

Yes, yes, yes, I found

happiness in life on my own,

my hair turned blonde, like a princess.

You got brown hair on Facebook.

Yeah, well, those photos were taken

before I met my wonderful boyfriend,

Dr. Robert Ledreau. Robbie?

Hello. Oh, you must be Alan.

Put her there. Ain't gonna shake your pinky.

No, of course not. Champagne anyone?

$17.99 a bottle.

But that's nothing on a doctor's salary.

No, thank you. I'm sober six weeks.

I only drink beer. Okay.

Well, why doesn't Dr. Ledreau tell the boys

all about his decorated military service,

while the girls go set the table.

Mmm-hmm, 'cause in this family, you gots to do your chores.

Stop saying stupid stuff and come help.

Hey, squirt, I'm kinda up to my nuts in plates right now,

you want to help with the knives?

My counselor actually says I'm not supposed to be around sharp objects.

They might trigger my emotional problems.

Oh, you poor thing.

Why don't you just go rest until dinner?

Go lie down in Danny's bed and watch TV.

Danny!

I need your help. It's time to prepare II sangue delle anguille.

Really? Do we need that for the feast?

I mean, everyone just eats the calamari and the fish-a-sticks, anyway.

I'll do it.

I love family traditions.

In my family, after Thanksgiving,

I make everyone gather around while I do a fashion show.

I don't know, I mean, are you sure you can handle this?

Yeah! II sangria del linguini? It sounds delicious.

No, no II sangue delle anguille.

The blood of the eels.

Whatever happens, don't fall in.

Look what I found!

Oh, wow. Eh?

Your old trains? Yeah.

Ma never let us touch those.

She'd always turn on the gas in the oven and say,

"I'll blow us all to bits before I let something

"of your father's bring you happiness."

Well, I got news for you.

They're yours now.

Mine? Is that HO Gauge?

HO Gauge? That's a toy.

This is O Gauge, a man's model train.

Oh, look at that.

I did it, I did it! I killed them! In the pot.

In the pot. There you go.

Whoa! That is a new record.

You sure you're not a Castellano? Really?

Me?

A Castellano?

Oh, God, it moved! It's a reflex.

It might happen when we're eating.

They don't make them like they used to, Pop.

Danny, what I'm gonna say may not mean so much coming from a mope like me,

but I got to tell you, you did great raising Richie

and yourself after I flew the coop.

Well, thanks, Dad. That does mean a lot.

I mean, look, you know, it was hard, but it made me who I am.

I'm a lousy father

and Little Danny's mom is always off selling

turkey legs at these renaissance fairs. She's never home.

Well, you know, when I didn't know what to do with Richie,

I would sneak out to the electronics store

and I'd watch Growing Pains on the TV display.

I learned a lot from Alan Thicke, a lot.

What I'm trying to say is, Little Danny deserves better.

And I know in my heart

that you would be a great father to your little sister,

and I'm hoping that maybe you could take her in for a while.

You want me to take her in? She deserves better.

You're right. I would make a great dad.

Little Danny can stay with me for as long as she needs to.

What?

How could you let your little sister move in with you

without discussing it with me first?

We spent three weeks debating whether or not we would have

a scented candle in your bathroom.

Which, to your credit, saved our relationship.

You didn't discuss moving to San Francisco with me.

You just did it. And you stole all my good underwear.

I love them! They fit me like a thong!

Besides, San Francisco is not the same

as raising a 12-year-old girl, Danny. Yeah. You're right.

Little Danny is family. I'm sorry, blood is thicker than your Napa Chardonnay.

You're getting played.

Girls her age always have "problems."

When I was 11, I hated that boys would tease me

because I would read all the time

and my parents wouldn't let me wear makeup.

I was embarrassed and I wanted to move to Lake Buena Vista

and audition for The All New Mickey Mouse Club,

and my mom wasn't like, "Sure, great plan, Mindy. Go do that."

She hit me with an encyclopedia.

And now I'm perfect.

Well, I don't know if you're... Oh, sorry. Am I interrupting something?

Yes. Yeah, kind of.

Well, it's time for dinner and Annette wants everyone to wash up.

Okay. Specifically you, Mindy.

Make me!

Dear Lord, thank you for this bounty of the sea.

And thank you, Lord, for bringing us Alan.

Oh, boy. Here it comes, Tropical Storm Annette.

Though we've had our differences,

he seems to have genuinely changed and

to have raised a beautiful daughter.

Amen.

Okay, my turn.

Rot in hell, you son of a bitch. Okay, let's eat!

Mangia pesce!

Hey, kiddo.

So, Danny, why do you want to leave SoCal?

Have you seen the mayor of Los Angeles? He's hot as hell.

I'm in a very dark place right now.

You know, when I was your age, I was also in a dark place.

It was because I hated gym class.

My thighs would rub together and the sound was like a squeaking balloon.

I hate gym, too.

So, what I ended up doing was drawing a pentagram on my forehead

and then they let me go watch TV with the nurse.

No way, that worked? Yeah, it worked.

It worked real good.

You know why? Why?

'Cause I was a good little faker like you!

Excuse me? I was cyber-bullied for being tall

and now I have emotional problems.

Yeah, and I got out of chorus because of my uncontrollable farting.

Whatever. Give me that phone.

Give it back. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on here?

Your little sister has learned the age-old tactic

of acting like a psycho to get what she wants.

I know that because I invented that. Okay, Mindy, stop it.

I'm not gonna stop until your little sister tells us what she wants

and if not, I hope she has a lot of underwater minutes. Okay, fine!

I slapped my teacher because I hate living in the desert,

and I hate that my dad's 2,000 years old

and he yells at the newspaper,

and I hate that my TV only gets 50 channels!

It's not fair!

So, I guess what we have

is a normal teenager acting out,

making a lot of drama to get what she wants.

I hate you! You're a bitch!

- Ow! - Oh!

Oh, my God. You do not slap a slapper.

Oh!

Okay, that's it. That's it.

No, I'm talking to you.

What? Get up.

Oh, don't step to me. I just murdered a bunch of eels tonight.

Okay, let's go.

What are you doing? She slapped me first!

That's no excuse! Ethnic people slap each other all the time.

It's like half of reality television!

Also, let's not forget, I was right. Little Danny was lying.

Okay, I don't think that's gonna be the takeaway from the dinner.

Okay, well, if I am so horrible, maybe I should just go.

Yeah, just out in the night, into the cold,

armed with nothing but my pepper spray and my gun.

You know what, maybe that's a good idea.

I mean, look, this is a family matter and we gotta figure it out, so...

Okay, everybody, Mindy had to leave.

So, let's just enjoy this nice fish meal

and talk about something more pleasant.

Son,

I know that Little Danny has said some things,

but I still feel that our agreement

is gonna provide her with the best situation for her to thrive.

Wait a minute, what agreement?

Danny said that I could come live with him in New York.

You said that Little Danny could come live with you?

And Mindy slapped her?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Where you going?

Ma?

Ma?

Hi, how much to go to San Francisco?

Mindy, wait.

Oh, God. Hold on one second, sir.

Okay, you caught me.

I took your candlestick, I was just borrowing it.

What the hell?

No, listen, when Richie was 15,

I wouldn't let him go live with Brett Easton Ellis,

so he threatened to throw himself off the Empire State Building.

I said, "Good, here's 10 bucks.

"Enjoy the view, bring me back a T-shirt."

Annette, as much as I love hearing the origin stories of gay men,

I gotta go. I'm sorry for ruining your dinner.

No, Mindy, you didn't ruin it.

You weren't exactly Grace Kelly,

but when a kid's a brat, you take 'em down.

Now, please, come back inside.

You don't even have your coat.

Annette, I can't. Once I start slapping people, I can't stop.

And I'm so mad Danny didn't have my back in there.

And I'm the one that's just like sitting here sweating, so hot.

How can you be hot? It's 20 degrees out!

Uh, I'm from Boston. This is like topless weather for me.

Wait a minute, you weren't drinking.

And when you hugged me you were bigger than usual.

My breasts have always been huge.

Mindy, are you pregnant?

Uh, I don't think so, ma'am.

You're sweating because our hot little Castellano babies

are like an angry furnace in your stomach.

They are? Yes.

It feels like I've swallowed a space heater. It's agony.

Oh, honey.

Oh, this is the best part.

It's gonna be so awful for you.

But I'm thrilled.

I'm gonna be a grandma! Oh, my God.

Listen, I gotta go nail some stugots to the cross

and I do not want my grandson to see this.

I'm gonna be a grandma. Should I just stand here?

'Cause that was the only cab I could find and

I have like a negative seven on Uber.

You know, Robert, I never would've pictured Annette with a lady doctor.

Her taste used to run more towards motorcycle bad boys.

Robert served in Vietnam,

while you cut your pinkie toe off for the draft board.

It was a lawnmower accident.

Everybody shut up!

All I wanted was a nice, classy dinner

to show off that I finally have things pretty good.

But I guess I forgot that even after 30 years,

garbage still stinks. The garbage is you.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

You miserable SOB.

You left your son to raise your other son

and now you're trying to make him raise your daughter, too!

Ma, relax. It's the best thing for the family.

I haven't even gotten to you yet.

Do you have Stockholm syndrome?

You just love raising your brothers and your sisters,

and now you kicked your girlfriend

and your unborn child out of the house?

What? What are you talking about?

You don't know?

Castellano men. Shoot first, ask questions never.

She's pregnant!

It's Mindy, leave a message.

Mindy, where are you? I need to see you.

Mindy?

Mindy?

Min?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Why didn't you tell me?

I tried to tell you, it just...

There never seemed to be a good time.

And I know you're mad,

but it's okay, Danny, I can raise this baby by myself.

My little brother and I, we had a parakeet when I was little

and it died after three months,

but they were three good months,

and I loved that parakeet and...

We're a family.

Ripped By mstoll