All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S03E15 - Dinner at the Castellanos (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda).eng

Yeah, this one is positive,

which makes 30 positives.

But there was that one negative.

The negative
was a popsicle stick.

Do you even bother
telling your boyfriend

if there's only like a 96%
chance you could be pregnant?

100% chance!
It was a popsicle stick!

I saw you eat the popsicle and then
draw this little minus sign on it,

and then pee on it
for some reason.

It's because I have
crazy pregnancy brain, Neepa.

Oh, God.

I am really pregnant.
Uh-huh.

I have to tell Danny.

Hey. Hey, daddy, I mean Danny.
Damn it.

I can't hear you
right now, this baby's crying.

Remind me not to have kids
until I'm old and deaf.

Larry King's got the right idea.

Mmm-hmm, totally.

I love Larry King.

The thing about telling your
Justice Scalia-level Catholic boyfriend

that you're pregnant is that no
time ever feels like the right one.

Hey, Danny,
do you have a second to...

Whoa, you look hot as hell.
Okay, all right.

Relax. Father Francis is doing
his big sermon on shame today.

If he even suspects
that I'm talking to a girl,

he'll sit me
with the masturbators.

Oh, God. Anything you want
me to confess for you?

- Nope. Have a good time at church.
- Bye.

And then it hit me.
I'll come visit him,

plan a romantic weekend getaway

where after a day of pretending
to enjoy reading and fresh air,

I'll tell him
that we're having a little...

Son of a bitch.

Cindy!

It's Mindy.

Ripped By mstoll

Great to see you again, Alan,
Little Danny.

Why are you guys in town?

Oh, are you house-sitting for us
while we go away? That's great.

If you're gonna do some laundry,
maybe throw some of mine in there,

but I need you to look at the tags because
my clothes are on the fancier side.

We're not house-sitting.

She got suspended
from school for a week.

Little Danny?
But she's so cute.

I slapped my teacher
in her dumb face.

And then she slapped
the principal,

who happens to be, get this, an
Indonesian transgender woman.

So she gets rewarded with a
free trip to New York City?

When I was suspended
for stalking my teacher,

I was locked in my room
for five days.

Yeah, sure, I escaped. 'Cause I mean, nothing
was gonna keep me away from Mr. Sherman.

This is no vacation.

I warned her, I said,
"You mess up,

"you're gonna have
to deal with Big Danny."

Me, she don't listen to.
You, she respects.

Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah.

This thing with Little Danny
is serious.

And I don't think
we can go away this weekend.

No, Danny, we have to go away.

I have to tell you something.

I know everything's been weird

since you said you were
moving to Frisco,

but everything's great between us.
Right now, my family needs me.

Okay. I get it.

Okay? It's probably for the
best we're not going anyway.

Don't want to start
another forest fire.

Another forest fire?
Yeah.

Don't worry about it.
It's done.

This is it, Dad.
This is where I work.

Who are these people?
Let me guess.

Your old scout leader and a
little girl robot you built.

Morgan, this is my dad
and my baby sis.

Your dad, huh? So this is who we have
to thank for a lifetime of grouchiness.

No, no, no, no, we're...

If you hurt this boy again,
I will hurt you. Morgan.

You son of a bitch.

Morgan, stop.
Morgan, stop.

Welcome. Hello.

Little girl, I like your glasses.
You know, I had a pair of glasses.

Want to hear a great story?
I'm at the Salvation Army,

they're about to throw them
out, I grab them, I say,

"No way, Jose." Now, I wear
them three days a week.

All right, hey, Little D, check
this out, the kitchen over there,

bottomless toaster pastries.

Oh, there's a bottom, and it
is covered in rat droppings.

You want to take a look?

Come on.
Okay.

Hey, look at this, Pop.

It's my office. She's okay, yeah.
It's fine.

Danny Castellano.
Thank you.

Annette?
Mindy, hi,

I'm sorry to bother you on
your romantic weekend getaway

but I looked online and I'm
a little confused, because

that place you're staying,
it only has one bed per room.

You know what,
we ended up not going.

Did you break up with Danny?

Did Danny break up with you?
No, no.

We didn't go because of some last
minute, out-of-town visitors.

Okay, then, I guess I'll...
It was Alan and Little Danny!

Damn it,
you're a good detective.

Danny's father's in town?

After walking out on me,
he's back?

I knew I shouldn't have told
you, but it's not my fault.

I have ADHDTV.
You're mad, huh?

Mindy, no, I'm not still
mad at Alan.

It's water under the bridge.
In fact,

why don't you all come
to dinner tonight?

This isn't one of those dinners
where you guilt everyone, is it?

No. Guilt dinners
are only for you.

And they may need to stop
because it's getting expensive.

I personally would hate to see the man who
abandoned me with two small children,

but if you're cool with it,
then fine.

See you at 7:00.
Bring dessert.

Oh, I shouldn't bring dessert. I'll
just eat it in the car...

Hello?

Hello?

You told Ma we'd bring Dad and
Little Danny to dinner tonight?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Why didn't you just invite a lion?
There'd be less carnage.

I spoke to your mom
on the phone.

She seemed
really chill about it.

I think that that Wine of the Day club
I got her is really working. Sit down.

I'm sorry, Danny,
but she seemed really sincere,

like when she tells me
she hates my makeup.

Fine. It's okay, it's just...
Please don't come.

This is something
only family should see,

like when Ma cooks eggs
in her bra.

I'm sorry, you don't think
of me as family?

You don't want me
to come to dinner?

I wouldn't wish
that on my worst enemy, babe.

I gotta go,

make sure Ma
doesn't poison the gravy.

Hey Peter,
how's Texas treating you?

It's so great! The other day I saw Henry
and Lauren for about an hour or two,

and then they saw me
and I ran away.

You know what, it's only
stalking if it doesn't work.

You make her love you.

Roger that, hoss.
So, how's Danny?

Did he make you quit your job when
he found out you were pregnant?

Actually, Peter,
I haven't told him yet.

I mean, he didn't even invite me
to his family dinner tonight.

What? That's crazy. Who's more family
than you? You're carrying his child.

Wasn't the whole point in tricking
him into getting you pregnant?

For the last time, I did not trick
him into getting pregnant, Peter!

Now what do I do?

You go to that dinner!

Family doesn't wait
to be invited.

It's like HPV. It just
shows up and never leaves.

You're right, Peter!

I gotta be the human
equivalent of HPV. Good.

All right, I'm gonna go back
to my brisket.

I've actually had two heart
attacks since I've been here.

You need to eat
some fiber, dude.

Stop, stop, stop the car.
Stop!

What are you doing? You can't
just run through the street.

This isn't Calcutta. I flew
40,000 miles from San Francisco

because we need time together.

If there's gonna be a Castellano
family dinner tonight,

I need to come with you.
Okay, get in the car.

Thank you.

Can I run upstairs and make a mixed tape?
Your music sucks.

No, get in the car.
No NPR, please.

Hey guys.

Hey, cool it
with the pies, okay?

Ma's making a special
Italian seafood feast.

No one's excused until she can
comb her hair with the bones.

Sorry, Danny, I just, I've
been craving these apple pies

and they're only available in the
doctors' lounge vending machine.

They're from the '80s, before natural
ingredients completely ruined snacks.

She's passed out.
Unbelievable.

You're like the dog whisperer,
Cesar Chavez, only for kids.

How do you think your mom's
gonna react tonight?

She gonna take off her earrings?

Whenever my mom was about
to let my dad have it,

she'd take her earrings off.

Now, most people think
black women invented that.

Nope. Ma.

Either way, I think tonight's gonna
be a really warm family affair.

Okay, everybody, be cool.
No freaking out.

I feel like you're freaking out.
No, I'm not.

Let me get in here. Why did
you get back over there?

Hello.

Mindy, Danny, welcome.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, the soup
kitchen is just down the road.

Nettie, it's me, Alan, your ex.

Oh, my goodness, Alan.

It's so wonderful to see you
after all these years

you've spent baking
in the desert sun.

Well, well, well, look what clumped
up at the bottom of the drain.

Hello, Dorothy. Thirty
years you've been gone.

This woman was shattered.

You leave me
to pick up the pieces.

That's why
I don't have a husband.

Now, Dot,
that's ancient history.

I've never been happier.

In fact, my cheeks actually
hurt from smiling so much.

"Ow."

Come on in.
Dot will take your coats.

Come in.
Sit anywhere.

Danielle, it's so good
to finally meet you,

you're just gorgeous!

Could you ask first?

I have stranger issues.

Of course, that's a
very normal request.

My apologies.

Don't have to ask me
'cause I love hugs.

Oh, man, I would never leave
you hanging for a hug, Mom.

This is a wonderful event.

The house smells beautiful,
looks beautiful, and you...

I don't know what you're doing.

I'm like, "Va-va-va-voink," right?
Back off.

Thank you for inviting me,
you look very beautiful.

Yes, yes, yes, I found

happiness in life on my own,

my hair turned blonde,
like a princess.

You got brown hair on Facebook.

Yeah, well,
those photos were taken

before I met
my wonderful boyfriend,

Dr. Robert Ledreau.
Robbie?

Hello.
Oh, you must be Alan.

Put her there. Ain't
gonna shake your pinky.

No, of course not.
Champagne anyone?

$17.99 a bottle.

But that's nothing
on a doctor's salary.

No, thank you.
I'm sober six weeks.

I only drink beer.
Okay.

Well, why doesn't
Dr. Ledreau tell the boys

all about his decorated
military service,

while the girls
go set the table.

Mmm-hmm, 'cause in this family,
you gots to do your chores.

Stop saying
stupid stuff and come help.

Hey, squirt, I'm kinda up to
my nuts in plates right now,

you want to help
with the knives?

My counselor actually says I'm not
supposed to be around sharp objects.

They might trigger
my emotional problems.

Oh, you poor thing.

Why don't you just go
rest until dinner?

Go lie down in Danny's
bed and watch TV.

Danny!

I need your help. It's time to
prepare II sangue delle anguille.

Really? Do we need
that for the feast?

I mean, everyone just eats the calamari
and the fish-a-sticks, anyway.

I'll do it.

I love family traditions.

In my family,
after Thanksgiving,

I make everyone gather around
while I do a fashion show.

I don't know, I mean, are you
sure you can handle this?

Yeah! II sangria del linguini?
It sounds delicious.

No, no II sangue delle anguille.

The blood of the eels.

Whatever happens, don't fall in.

Look what I found!

Oh, wow.
Eh?

Your old trains?
Yeah.

Ma never let us touch those.

She'd always turn on
the gas in the oven and say,

"I'll blow us all
to bits before I let something

"of your father's
bring you happiness."

Well, I got news for you.

They're yours now.

Mine?
Is that HO Gauge?

HO Gauge?
That's a toy.

This is O Gauge,
a man's model train.

Oh, look at that.

I did it, I did it! I killed them!
In the pot.

In the pot.
There you go.

Whoa!
That is a new record.

You sure you're not a Castellano?
Really?

Me?

A Castellano?

Oh, God, it moved!
It's a reflex.

It might happen
when we're eating.

They don't make them
like they used to, Pop.

Danny, what I'm gonna say may not mean
so much coming from a mope like me,

but I got to tell you,
you did great raising Richie

and yourself
after I flew the coop.

Well, thanks, Dad.
That does mean a lot.

I mean, look, you know, it was
hard, but it made me who I am.

I'm a lousy father

and Little Danny's mom
is always off selling

turkey legs at these renaissance fairs.
She's never home.

Well, you know, when I didn't
know what to do with Richie,

I would sneak out
to the electronics store

and I'd watch Growing Pains
on the TV display.

I learned a lot
from Alan Thicke, a lot.

What I'm trying to say is,
Little Danny deserves better.

And I know in my heart

that you would be a great
father to your little sister,

and I'm hoping that maybe you
could take her in for a while.

You want me to take her in?
She deserves better.

You're right.
I would make a great dad.

Little Danny can stay with me
for as long as she needs to.

What?

How could you let your little
sister move in with you

without discussing
it with me first?

We spent three weeks debating
whether or not we would have

a scented candle
in your bathroom.

Which, to your credit,
saved our relationship.

You didn't discuss moving
to San Francisco with me.

You just did it. And you
stole all my good underwear.

I love them!
They fit me like a thong!

Besides, San Francisco
is not the same

as raising a 12-year-old girl, Danny.
Yeah. You're right.

Little Danny is family. I'm sorry, blood
is thicker than your Napa Chardonnay.

You're getting played.

Girls her age always have "problems."

When I was 11,
I hated that boys would tease me

because I would
read all the time

and my parents wouldn't
let me wear makeup.

I was embarrassed and I wanted
to move to Lake Buena Vista

and audition for
The All New Mickey Mouse Club,

and my mom wasn't like, "Sure,
great plan, Mindy. Go do that."

She hit me with an encyclopedia.

And now I'm perfect.

Well, I don't know if you're... Oh, sorry.
Am I interrupting something?

Yes.
Yeah, kind of.

Well, it's time for dinner and
Annette wants everyone to wash up.

Okay.
Specifically you, Mindy.

Make me!

Dear Lord, thank you for
this bounty of the sea.

And thank you, Lord,
for bringing us Alan.

Oh, boy. Here it comes,
Tropical Storm Annette.

Though we've had
our differences,

he seems to have
genuinely changed and

to have raised
a beautiful daughter.

Amen.

Okay, my turn.

Rot in hell, you son of a bitch.
Okay, let's eat!

Mangia pesce!

Hey, kiddo.

So, Danny, why do you want
to leave SoCal?

Have you seen the mayor of Los Angeles?
He's hot as hell.

I'm in a very
dark place right now.

You know, when I was your age,
I was also in a dark place.

It was because
I hated gym class.

My thighs would rub together and the
sound was like a squeaking balloon.

I hate gym, too.

So, what I ended up doing was
drawing a pentagram on my forehead

and then they let me go
watch TV with the nurse.

No way, that worked?
Yeah, it worked.

It worked real good.

You know why?
Why?

'Cause I was a good
little faker like you!

Excuse me? I was
cyber-bullied for being tall

and now I have
emotional problems.

Yeah, and I got out of chorus because
of my uncontrollable farting.

Whatever.
Give me that phone.

Give it back. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, what's going on here?

Your little sister has learned
the age-old tactic

of acting like a psycho to get
what she wants.

I know that because I invented that.
Okay, Mindy, stop it.

I'm not gonna stop until your little
sister tells us what she wants

and if not, I hope she has a lot
of underwater minutes. Okay, fine!

I slapped my teacher because
I hate living in the desert,

and I hate that my dad's
2,000 years old

and he yells at the newspaper,

and I hate that my TV
only gets 50 channels!

It's not fair!

So, I guess what we have

is a normal teenager acting out,

making a lot of drama
to get what she wants.

I hate you!
You're a bitch!

- Ow!
- Oh!

Oh, my God.
You do not slap a slapper.

Oh!

Okay, that's it.
That's it.

No, I'm talking to you.

What?
Get up.

Oh, don't step to me. I just
murdered a bunch of eels tonight.

Okay, let's go.

What are you doing?
She slapped me first!

That's no excuse! Ethnic people
slap each other all the time.

It's like half
of reality television!

Also, let's not forget, I was right.
Little Danny was lying.

Okay, I don't think that's gonna
be the takeaway from the dinner.

Okay, well, if I am so horrible,
maybe I should just go.

Yeah, just out in the
night, into the cold,

armed with nothing but my
pepper spray and my gun.

You know what,
maybe that's a good idea.

I mean, look, this is a family matter
and we gotta figure it out, so...

Okay, everybody,
Mindy had to leave.

So, let's just enjoy
this nice fish meal

and talk about something
more pleasant.

Son,

I know that Little Danny
has said some things,

but I still feel
that our agreement

is gonna provide her with the
best situation for her to thrive.

Wait a minute, what agreement?

Danny said that I could come
live with him in New York.

You said that Little Danny
could come live with you?

And Mindy slapped her?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Where you going?

Ma?

Ma?

Hi, how much
to go to San Francisco?

Mindy, wait.

Oh, God.
Hold on one second, sir.

Okay, you caught me.

I took your candlestick,
I was just borrowing it.

What the hell?

No, listen, when Richie was 15,

I wouldn't let him go live
with Brett Easton Ellis,

so he threatened to throw himself
off the Empire State Building.

I said, "Good, here's 10 bucks.

"Enjoy the view,
bring me back a T-shirt."

Annette, as much as I love hearing
the origin stories of gay men,

I gotta go. I'm sorry
for ruining your dinner.

No, Mindy, you didn't ruin it.

You weren't exactly Grace Kelly,

but when a kid's a brat,
you take 'em down.

Now, please, come back inside.

You don't even have your coat.

Annette, I can't. Once I start
slapping people, I can't stop.

And I'm so mad Danny
didn't have my back in there.

And I'm the one that's just like
sitting here sweating, so hot.

How can you be hot?
It's 20 degrees out!

Uh, I'm from Boston. This is
like topless weather for me.

Wait a minute,
you weren't drinking.

And when you hugged me
you were bigger than usual.

My breasts
have always been huge.

Mindy, are you pregnant?

Uh, I don't think so, ma'am.

You're sweating because our
hot little Castellano babies

are like an angry furnace
in your stomach.

They are?
Yes.

It feels like I've swallowed
a space heater. It's agony.

Oh, honey.

Oh, this is the best part.

It's gonna be so awful for you.

But I'm thrilled.

I'm gonna be a grandma!
Oh, my God.

Listen, I gotta go nail
some stugots to the cross

and I do not want
my grandson to see this.

I'm gonna be a grandma.
Should I just stand here?

'Cause that was the only cab
I could find and

I have like a negative seven
on Uber.

You know, Robert, I never would've
pictured Annette with a lady doctor.

Her taste used to run more
towards motorcycle bad boys.

Robert served in Vietnam,

while you cut your pinkie toe
off for the draft board.

It was a lawnmower accident.

Everybody shut up!

All I wanted
was a nice, classy dinner

to show off that I finally
have things pretty good.

But I guess I forgot
that even after 30 years,

garbage still stinks.
The garbage is you.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

You miserable SOB.

You left your son
to raise your other son

and now you're trying to make
him raise your daughter, too!

Ma, relax. It's the best
thing for the family.

I haven't even
gotten to you yet.

Do you have Stockholm syndrome?

You just love raising your
brothers and your sisters,

and now you kicked
your girlfriend

and your unborn child
out of the house?

What? What are you
talking about?

You don't know?

Castellano men. Shoot first,
ask questions never.

She's pregnant!

It's Mindy, leave a message.

Mindy, where are you?
I need to see you.

Mindy?

Mindy?

Min?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Why didn't you tell me?

I tried to tell you, it just...

There never seemed
to be a good time.

And I know you're mad,

but it's okay, Danny, I can
raise this baby by myself.

My little brother and I, we had
a parakeet when I was little

and it died after three months,

but they were three good months,

and I loved that parakeet and...

We're a family.

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