Original subtitles

It's been three months since I left New York for my fellowship at Stanford.

And not to brag, but I am straight up killing this bitch.

The program. Not the patient.

Ooh! Wow!

And I'm helping people in ways I never imagined.

The in vitro was a success. Congratulations, Mom.

You're going to be a daddy. I love you.

Mmm.

Okay. I'll give you some space, so...

I've even made friends.

Yes, it's safe to say that I'm loving my life out here.

There's only one problem.

I hate California.

I mean, what's with this Alcatraz?

I'm just saying, there's no movie called Escape from Rikers.

You know why? Because you can't.

Cool. Can we please go out today, Danny?

No, let's just stay in tonight.

I'll make some pasta fazool.

And I know what kind of produce they grow out here...

Puff-puff.

So I came prepared.

Oh, my God!

Look at the saus-eege. I got into a big fight with TSA over this stuff.

Come on. You're only here for three days.

I want you to come out so you can see my groovy San Francisco lifestyle.

All right. Fine.

But I'm wearing my bicycle helmet.

Just in case there's an earthquake.

I got you one, too.

I knew that if I was going to get

the ultimate New Yorker to love San Francisco

I'd have to give him a weekend he wouldn't...

...forget about.

Danny, slow down. Stop!

And I could tell Danny was impressed.

The steep hills make everything exercise,

and there were some trees even older than him.

The surprise was somewhere in between

that big red bridge and that famous street train,

I realized that San Francisco was starting to feel like home.

And I'm gonna be sad to leave.

Okay, Danny, be honest.

Do you still think that this place is just a giant weed dispensary

between dim sum places?

You know what?

I see the appeal. Yeah?

Yeah. It's your favorite place?

Get on your bike helmet and get down!

We're all gonna die! Get down, Mindy!

Charlton Heston said we should go to higher ground!

Okay. Now. Where were we?

I'm gonna go take a shower.

It's back on again! It's back on again!

Everybody get down!

Rob, why did you ask me to meet you at this address all alone?

Okay, just because I look like Olivia Pope

does not mean that I know how to disappear a body.

What? No, no. All right, look,

how would you feel about starting a world-class fertility clinic here?

What? Really?

Yeah. Okay. Wait. All right.

Just come here. Picture it.

You come in the door and this could be your office.

This is my office?

Yeah, the whole thing. Oh, my God!

I'd have a balcony like Saddam.

Okay. Just look, after your fellowship this is the next step.

You know, it is cool that I can do stuff here that I can't do in New York.

But what about my little meatball back home?

Well, that's the best part. I thought Danny could come, too.

Really? Yeah.

You said he loved it when he came and visited San Francisco.

And he made friends with that drag queen!

I'm pretty sure he thought that was the real Tina Turner.

Oh.

"Lahiri, Castellano, and Gurgler."

Rolls right off the tongue.

All right, so what do you say?

Let me discuss it with him this weekend.

Because who knows? Maybe Danny will be chill about a huge life change.

When do you need to know by?

All right, we've got 72 hours if we want this space.

Because the city wants to come in and turn it into a place

where rescue dogs can get methadone.

Damn San Francisco. Yeah, I know.

What? Lauren's moving?

Yep. She's made up her mind.

Apparently she's going back to Texas.

Okay, which one is Texas?

Is that where Boston is?

Wait, wait, wait. So Lauren's moving?

All I know is that she broke up with me

because things got, quote, "Too complicated here."

Ah. Complicated. How about that?

Have another hug. I don't want another hug. I've had four.

Thank you, though. That's sweet.

Yeah, that can be... Yeah, you take your time.

All right, buddy. Huh, huh, huh, huh? Ow!

God, your pokes are so hard!

Okay, I saw what you and Lauren were doing. I saw you two kissing.

What else did you do? Nothing!

Topless hugging? No!

Bottomless dancing? No!

Prove it. Show me a photo of you two not doing it.

Okay. Ah, you can't!

Yes, I could. Okay. I hope you're happy with yourself.

I am not happy with myself!

Do you think I have a chance with her now that's she moving to Texas?

When am I ever gonna be in Texas?

Besides the biggest paintball tournament in the world,

but I'm gonna be playing paintball the whole time!

You're right. You're right.

Hey, thank you so much for picking me up from the airport!

It's only been a couple of weeks, but you have so many more gray hairs.

When I first saw you I thought you were Roger DeNiro.

Ma says it looks presidential. I dunno.

So what's with the surprise visit?

I still haven't fixed the headboard from last time.

Okay. Yesterday I was talking to Rob and...

Hey, Danny? Mmm?

Your neighborhood sure does look different.

Where's the Freedom Tower? Oh, no.

It's not my neighborhood, knucklehead.

See, this is why Ma should be my Amazing Race partner.

Okay, but would she eat a bucket of worms?

I would! Great, now I'm hungry.

We're in Harlem. Harlem?

Yeah. Are you taking me to the Apollo?

I can't go. Katt Williams had me banned for laughing too hard.

Hold on a second. Hold on. Okay.

Take a look at this. You see that building?

Oh, that's a really nice building.

Oh no, not the nice one, the one right next to it.

Oh.

Babe, it's ours.

What?

A brownstone in Manhattan like you always wanted.

We can finally put down some roots.

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This is it.

Wow. It's like the brothel that Don Draper was raised in.

Check this out. Okay. Living room.

Dot and Mom hang out there.

Babe, we got a backyard.

Right now it's a pet cemetery, but not the haunted kind.

They gotta disclose that.

You okay? Yeah.

It's just... Last time we talked about living together

you were pretty resistant.

Yeah. Well, since you've been away I realize how important it is that we're together.

Yeah. Together. Together. Here in New York.

Hey, uh, just a reminder, we should leave.

Human nighttime is rat daytime.

Thanks, Ray.

Is there a big rat problem?

No, it's no big deal. No, it's pretty bad.

It's a Temple of Doom type situation.

He's over the top.

Yeah, it's a little, you know, rough around the edges

but, hey, so was I when you first got your hands on me, right?

I love it.

It's everything I've ever wanted.

Guys, they're coming. I'm out of here. I got kids.

It's okay. He's so dramatic about these rats. It's not a big deal.

I mean, we're doing construction.

Oh! Okay, let's get out of here.

Guys, look who's here.

Hey, bitches! The Bicoastal Babe is back. #ltsHappening!

Who's here? Who's here? Lauren? Is it Lauren? Is it...

Oh, it's you.

"It's you"? That's very rude, Jeremy.

Look, can you not ride me, please?

If you can't tell by my loosened Windsor,

I'm going through a lot right now.

Okay, well...

Hey, girls. I'm back! Did you miss me?

You were gone? Well, of course she was gone.

She was picking up her Nobel Peace Prize.

Your head healed real nice.

She thinks you're Malala.

Damn it.

Okay. Well, great. Really great to see you.

Oh, hey! I got about 20 minutes left.

There's a sign-up sheet over by Dr. Castellano's office.

Oh!

Whoa! Oh! Ahh!

Guys, thank you for doing all my check-ups simultaneously.

I wanted to do all of my medical appointments before I went back to Palo Alto.

Oh, my God. Your ear's like a wax museum.

I saw, like, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie statues in there.

I don't need a comedy routine.

What's wrong, Peter? You seem sad.

You haven't done the hilarious joke

where you pretend to find something in there.

Well, I'm actually glad I'm getting to do this exam on you today

because you're the only one I can talk to about this.

What? Do you have a secret?

Ooh, your secret's safe-ish with me.

So Lauren's moving back to Texas today.

But between you and me things were just kind of starting up again.

Starting up how?

They kissed. I saw the whole thing!

Dude!

Um, your blood pressure is one billion over one million.

What's going on, man? You gotta eat better.

I know. I'm just so stressed.

Do you think you could get me something to eat?

You want the breakfast sandwich?

The bacon, egg, cheese, ham?

Double bacon, double egg, double cheese.

Hash browns, too? Yeah.

Okay. I am sorry that Lauren's moving to Texas, but it's her loss.

There's no guys like you there.

It's all just like oil tycoons and cowboys and football players.

Well, I mean that sounds pretty...

I don't know. How about you and Danny?

Things are going well there, huh?

Well, this is a secret.

I have this amazing opportunity

to start a fertility clinic in San Francisco.

What?

Yeah. I just love it there so much.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

That's a huge move. I know.

But so was moving to Stanford in the first place.

Believe me, Peter. Life doesn't move in steps,

it moves in huge leaps.

That's a line from Michelle Kwan's autobiography.

Michelle Kwan's not wrong.

Lauren! Lauren Neustadter? Don't board that plane!

Peter? What are you doing? How did you get back here?

I bought a $1,000 ticket to Winnipeg.

Totally worth it.

Can we go somewhere to talk, please?

But I'm Group One! I get to board early because of Henry.

This will only take a minute, I swear.

Group One, passengers with small children.

Mmm... Okay. Okay.

Lauren, you and I, I think that we...

Group Two, elderly passengers and active military.

Why not just put them in Group One

if you're gonna move it that fast.

Look, Lauren, I know you're not interested in dating anybody right now.

Yeah. But if you were just to maybe...

Now a special boarding as we welcome the New York Philharmonic.

There goes your overhead space.

Look, Lauren, I want to be with you.

Life doesn't move in small steps, it moves in leaps.

Peter, this is amazing, but I am moving to Austin.

I already bought a split-level ranch

and a book about barbecue.

Wait, wait, wait. Tell me you don't want me to go with you and I won't go.

I can't tell you that.

This is the final, final boarding for people having a moment.

Oh, come on. I gotta go.

They're gonna make me bag check Henry.

Goodbye, Peter.

Think about it.

Bye.

Oh, my God. My baby! She left him in the...

She was watching. You're fine. Bye, Peter.

Bye. Bye. I'm sorry.

Bye, Henry.

Hey, awesome boyfriend. Do you have a minute?

I wanted to run something by you.

Mindy, I told you. I'm not gonna get an earring.

No, it's actually... Guys!

I got some incredibly major news.

I am effectively quitting Shulman & Associates and moving to Texas!

And I want to thank the one person that convinced me

to keep Austin weird and follow my heart...

Mindy Lahiri!

What?

I think he's talking to you, Malala.

What? Wait a minute? Why on earth would you tell Peter to leave the practice?

I can't remember anything that I said.

It was a pap smear! I was just focusing on not farting!

Not that focused. You still farted.

You know Dr. L also told me to move to Texas.

But I was like, "No, I care about my co-workers too much."

No, no, no. I did not say that!

Oh, yeah. Because you haven't been talking to me for two months.

Tamra, I live in California.

How dare you, Peter? Chasing after Lauren?

If anybody should be dropping everything and moving to Texas it's me.

You're going to go to Texas?

Yes. Yes. I will. Really?

Actually, you know, now is... Ugh, it's a bad time.

No, no, no. Pete, why would you abandon us like this?

We changed you from an unemployable pervert to an employable pervert.

And I will never forget that and I appreciate it.

Guys, I can't talk about this anymore.

I gotta go find an apartment in Texas

on the off chance that Lauren doesn't want me to move in right away.

Pete!

Okay, people aren't leaving here willy-nilly like that, okay?

That's not what we're doing here. We have a contract.

Unless it's for something really important that you feel you must go to.

Absolutely not.

Just because you feel like doing something doesn't mean you can.

Is that what you wanted to tell me? Mmm-hmm.

Yep. That's exactly what I want to tell you.

I'm going, too.

What? Yeah.

I'm gonna go get a bubble tea.

I've never had one before, but I gotta follow my heart.

Oh, God.

No! No! Ahh! Why did I quit my job?

Oh! Oh, Gurgler!

You did it again, Gurgler. You did it again!

Look, I know my going away party for Peter is unpopular.

However, I do think that the comments on the online invite were excessively rude.

Sorry, I always speak my mind.

You look bad today.

I look like freakin' spring awakening right now.

I threaten to quit almost every week

and you never throw me a going away party,

except a couple of times.

Okay, Peter didn't do anything wrong, you guys.

I think him moving for the life he wants is kind of brave.

Or selfish.

You know what the brave thing would be?

Would be not to follow your girlfriend

and instead staying true to the condo lease agreement

you signed the year before.

Daniel.

You know what I think is brave?

Asking your boss for a raise in front of your fellow employees.

Mindy, I am so sorry.

But I just caught two of my friends doing drugs off of this picture of your parents.

Oh, my God!

Why are you in here all alone? What's going on?

Did Pube do something to you?

No. I mean he grabbed my ass, but I liked that.

Peter, I'm just sad that I can't even talk to Danny

about wanting to take this job in San Francisco.

I mean, look at how he reacted to your news.

He didn't even show up to the party. And that's just you!

Tough to hear it phrased that way,

but I understand what you're saying.

I'm sorry.

You know, part of me feels guilty for even wanting any of this.

Up until now, all I've ever wanted was to live with in Manhattan with Danny

and our 12 daughters.

We'd have a reality show called

Keeping Up With the Castellanos Plus Lahiri.

It's a long title. Yeah.

But look, Mindy, you're allowed to change what you want in life.

People do it all the time.

But you know what I would do is I would tell Danny.

Just be honest with him. He loves you. He'll understand.

Still here?

Hey, pal. Let me guess, you're skipping the party, too?

Yeah, of course I am. The gall of Peter.

Leaving us all in the lurch. Who does he think he is?

Father? Mother?

Yeah, well, you never have to worry about that from me, okay?

I never bail on responsibility.

I still go upstate to water a tree I planted at camp.

Yeah, of course, we're gonna be fine. We'll be fine.

How are we going to replace Peter?

Who's gonna insert a photo of his bottom into my slide presentations?

Or when he hands me my breakfast banana from his zipper.

He just...

What an idiot.

You know, there's a chance without Pete,

Mindy and I wouldn't be together right now.

I want to thank everybody so much for coming tonight.

I know a lot of you canceled some very important plans to be here.

Yeah, no kidding.

When I first got to New York, I was a chubby, jerky, immature loser.

I would cry all night in front of my computer.

My only solace, a hand. Maybe two.

Hear, hear! To groundin' and poundin'!

You know what I'm saying.

Oh, God.

Anyway, then something awesome happened.

Something life-changing.

A group of really cool vaginistas took me in.

Is he talking about just the doctors or also the support staff?

Your "shh" was much louder than me!

Shh!

Anyway, I never do this but I want to single someone out.

Someone who means so much to me.

Mindy Lahiri.

I don't think I'd be here today without you.

You have showed me some...

Hey, cool! Danny and Jeremy came!

Aw, hey guys, what's up? I was just... It doesn't matter.

What's going on? It's so good to see you, man.

I am so happy you guys came. Thank you.

Hey, look, you're a great friend

and you should do whatever you need to do

and Jeremy, and Mindy and I, we're gonna hold down the practice.

Now tell him you love him.

Tell him that you'll love him forever.

Yeah, I think the sentiment is covered.

No, I don't do that. Just tell him.

I get it. We got it. "Bon voyage"?

Mindy! You decided to do it?

Oh, thank God!

I sent a really gloating e-mail to my alumni magazine.

Wait, Rob, why would you do that?

Because life moves in leaps, not steps!

Haven't you read Michelle Kwan's autobiography?

We cannot do this right now, okay?

Wait a minute. Wait. Do what?

You, me and Mindy! Starting a practice in San Francisco, huh?

I'm so happy!

Oh, my God!

Dr. L, if you are going to San Francisco,

what can you offer me in terms of relocation package?

Mindy and I aren't moving to San Francisco. Is this a prank?

San Francisco's the worst.

Yeah!

Because of all the Chinese.

No, no, no.

Okay, no, San Francisco is not the worst.

It's beautiful and it's inspiring and it's made me my best self.

I'm a better leader. I'm kinder.

Boo!

Okay, shut the hell up, trash!

Okay, just leave her alone, okay?

I'm sorry San Francisco doesn't have everything New York does,

with your bedbugs, your cold, your pathetic excuse for a Chinatown.

Yeah, our dim sum's incomparable.

Okay! Wait! Fight! Fight!

Go! Go!

So youse two have been plannin' this behind my back?

Oh no, Danny,

you only talk ethnic when you're really furious.

Okay, listen, I was going to tell you. I promise.

You don't really want to do this, do you?

Maybe. Yeah. I mean, I want us to talk about it.

I bought us a house.

I know.

Good job, guy from San Francisco,

you made Danny leave my party.

He just got here!

Well, enjoy the West Coast.

I'd like to have everyone's attention.

I am also moving.

I am moving from the basement of my grandmother's house to the attic.

Hey, dude. What's up?

Hey. How'd you know which brownstone was ours?

Oh, there's a tiny rivulet of sweat running onto the street.

So you want to tell me what that wall did to you?

Hey, man. I don't understand. Why is she moving away?

She wants to get away from me?

No, dude. The girl's obsessed with you.

She has a mold of your penis as her keychain.

I think this fertility clinic is just a big opportunity for her,

for the practice, and for you.

Well, not for me. I mean, I live here.

I live in New York. This is my home.

Home is where the person you love is.

That's why I'm moving to Texas.

Now, can I please...

Yeah. Thank you.

I always wanted to try this.

Looks easy enough.

Take that!

Oh, God! Oh, no!

Get a bucket! Get a bucket!

No!

What? I'm helping you! Cover it!

I'm trying!

What's up? Hey!

Oh, God. Did you inhale these again?

I know. I just thought an apology would be funnier

if I did it in my Mickey Mouse voice.

Hey, Danny.

I'm sorry if you thought I was going to San Francisco.

I don't know what to do, Danny.

I know that you'll never move to San Francisco,

but I'm also worried that I'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life

if I don't do it.

I get it. People change.

I mean, there are so many things that I couldn't picture myself doing

or liking before I met you.

And that's why I love you.

But I can only change so much.

Anyway, you wouldn't like me if I became a different person.

You wouldn't like me.

You're right.

So what do we do?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Hey, Peter. I was gonna call you.

I feel like I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

Yeah, I'm sorry I ghosted back there.

I just... I thought it would be too hard.

You're kind of my best friend.

Oh, my God. I think you're my best friend, too!

You know, I'm also your doctor

and your lab results came back.

Oh, no.

Peter, I could have gotten it from anywhere!

I used a gas station toilet!

I wore a bathing suit that I found in the street.

No, dummy.

You're pregnant.

Exqueeze me?

Very nice, my child.

I mean it's... It's not mine. Is it?

I'm just kidding. It's Danny's.

I hope. Okay.

Tell me how it happened.

Wait, wait, wait, I want to hit record on my phone.

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