Original subtitles

Dating a manly guy like Danny Castellano has its advantages.

He can cook a perfect steak in 10 minutes.

The secret to a great steak is you got to massage the meat for an hour.

Vito... My butcher Vito, not my barber Vito,

he said, "Danny, you got to make sure

"it's a very sensual massage."

Dear God.

You want another?

Oh, that's hot.

Mmm.

And he's so handy, he can build anything.

Done. Why do you need another row of dresses in there?

Oh! This one is for my aspirational sizes.

Mindy, this is a doll's dress!

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

You know what else you can drill? What?

Ow! Oh, God!

But as great as a manly guy is,

sometimes you need a pinch-hitter,

a pal you take to the Rihanna book signing

when your boyfriend calls it, quote, "The reason China is winning."

You mind, uh, waiting outside while I change?

What? No, I'm coming in. I've never been here and I wanna judge your taste.

No, I don't want you to see my apartment.

Get out of the way! Take it easy! I...

I'm coming in. I'm coming in.

Oh!

You're up, black man!

5,000 bucks I hit this.

Yeah!

Face! In your face! Oh, my God. So, this is how I die.

Relax. These are my roommates.

Woo! Boys, this is Mindy.

Mindy, this is Pube, Pubeless

and Bush.

Bush is a Kennedy.

All right, I'm gonna change.

What? You're leaving me here? No, Peter. Peter!

Guys, be nice to her.

She gets freaked out easily.

So, you're a girl. That's tight.

I am. I am a litigious, gun-owning woman.

What'd you do to Nicole?

Oh! We spray painted her for Dartmouth homecoming,

but at this point, we're just leaving it for Saint Patrick's Day.

We were so drunk that day.

Yeah.

Bush even made out with his sister.

Half-sister, dude. Mmm-hmm.

- It's complicated. - Oh!

How'd you do that?

Dude! Come on. Throw that one back. It's too small.

It's enormous, but it's mine, you perv.

Peter, why do you live here?

'Cause a room opened up when Scrote's dad died

and he became the King of Kuwait?

Oh!

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Hey, Min. What do you think about this listing

for my extra apartment?

"Immaculate pet-hater's dream.

"A perfect place to take your shoes off

"and not smoke." Hmm.

Where you going? I am going to go do rounds with my interns

and then afterwards, I'm getting brunch with Peter.

You know what, though? You should come to brunch with us!

You'll have so much fun and you never hang out with friends.

I don't need friends, okay?

I have a girlfriend. That's the whole point of a relationship,

so I always have my little buddy to watch the Weather Channel with me.

And I love tracking pollen counts with you.

Yeah, last week, Vermont?

More like, "Sneezington," right?

Should we turn it on?

No. No, no. Please don't.

So, wanna come to brunch?

Ah! I can't anyway.

My contractor Ray's coming over to the second apartment.

He's gonna put the cornucopia tile on the oven backsplash.

What? Shut up.

Today's backsplash day?

Yeah. And the open house.

Yeah. I gotta go to work. Okay.

Bye. Bye.

Thank you so much for watching Henry.

I have to go find my sister

because she's following that stupid band again.

Are you sure this is okay?

Lauren, relax, Henry and I will be totally fine.

You just focus on snapping your sister

out of Kenny Chesney's evil spell.

It's so embarrassing for our family.

Thank you.

Oh, I really appreciate it. I love you.

I love you too. If you need help, call me.

I won't, but I will call you.

Okay. Okay.

Uh, hey!

Couldn't help but overhear.

You're gonna have a kid this weekend?

Yes, Henry and I are gonna be having a macho little stag party.

You know, I think Lauren's gonna be, uh, rather impressed

by what a Mrs. Mom I can be.

Uh, if you need help, I actually have been trying to dip my toe

into the babysitting pool.

Okay, I deliver babies for a living.

Or would you ask your postman if he needed help

babysitting a letter?

Yeah.

I'm gonna talk to my postman in front of my dogs.

No way.

Uh, Ray, great job with the backsplash.

I can taste the bounty from here. Yeah.

Hey, let me ask you something,

how much work would it be to combine my two apartments?

You'd just have to knock down this wall.

What are you thinking? I don't know,

a little more space down the road, for family.

Well, it'd be a couple of thousand

if you do it the legal way.

A couple of thousand.

A couple of hundred if it's just me, a sledgehammer

and a picture of my ex-wife.

Now, if you want me to make your closet a walk-in,

all I need is a circular saw, a picture of Rachel...

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Ray, you got to get over it.

Now listen up. I want you to forget

everything that you've ever learned about medicine, save this.

No matter how good of a doctor you are,

a good bedside manner will take you far.

Write that down.

Yeah, but do we have time to perform three Wayne's World sketches for every patient?

Sorry I care, Gigak. Now go.

Party on. That's a line from Wayne's World.

Okay, get out of here. Hey, Peter!

Schwing! Can we get out of here?

I had a really rough night last night.

I passed out and my roommates tried to give me a weave.

God. Okay. Peter, no offense,

but your roommates are garbage from hell.

Yeah, I know! It's getting really bad lately.

I'm trying to date a more, like, classier type of lady.

Last week, I brought home a lawyer.

She got Lyme disease.

Oh, God. Well, why don't you just find your own place?

I wish I could. No one would rent to me.

Oh, my God. Peter!

I know where you can live.

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!

Mmm. Worth it.

What are you doing? Those are for the open house.

Danny, I actually canceled the open house because good news!

I found you the perfect tenant!

It's perfect! I'll take it!

I can't have Peter living here.

What if he steals my Wi-Fi?

My Wi-Fi!

See, Danny? That was hilarious!

Big whoop. Everybody does Borat.

Nice. I like.

Was that a...

Borat! Nice. Oh.

That was good too! Thanks.

Look, Peter is our friend and we need to help him.

His roommates are bringing him down.

This sink is amazing. It looks like no one's puked in it yet.

And I intend to keep it that way.

He intends to keep it that way.

I don't know.

Look. I happen to know he'll pay practically

anything for this apartment.

Danny, I will pay double.

I will pay triple! I will pay double.

Look. I just, I really need some help finding a new, grown-up living situation.

Right now, I'm a grown-up who is living like The Situation.

The Situation is a character on a reality show that is a...

Fine, fine.

Yes. But there are rules.

No halogens. No hot plates. Use poster-putty.

No posters.

And you can't just waltz over to my place unannounced.

You got it? Deal!

Nicole, we have a home!

Who's Nicole?

My mini Pomeranian.

Hey, babe. Wow, it smells great.

Did you light one of your pot roast-scented candles?

Nope.

This is the real thing.

I never knew I could cook one of these without using actual pot.

Pete, what'd I tell you about stopping over uninvited?

No. It's okay. I invited him.

He just wanted to say thank you

for renting out your apartment to him.

Dude, I already feel like more of an adult.

Today I went out and bought curtains.

And I closed them before I...

Relaxed.

See? He said "Relaxed" instead of "Masturbate."

Wow, that was fantastic.

Pete, in my house, the chef doesn't clean up.

Okay? Mindy, hop to.

What? Ow!

Guys, I'm actually done. I'm gonna hit the hay.

I wish it was hay. I'm actually just gonna sleep

on a bunch of crumpled newspapers.

When I told my roommates I was moving out, they stabbed my waterbed.

Thanks, guys. Sounds good, Pete. Good night.

What? No, it does not sound good.

Wait, Pete. Stop! You're not gonna spend the night

on some floor of an apartment on newspaper.

You know what? You can spend the night here.

What? Here? He's gonna spend the night here?

Yes!

Okay, yeah, Pete. You can spend the night on the couch.

Okay, cool!

Ugh! Hey, which channel is Spike?

Hey, big boy. Those reading glasses are making me horny.

What? Oh, no.

We shouldn't do that 'cause Pete's right out there.

I, I really don't want him to know my noises.

I don't mind if you guys need to get freaky!

In fact, I insist.

He insists, come on.

Nobody's doing anything, Peter!

Everybody's going to bed, good night!

Okay, well, I'm all wound up. Not sleepy at all.

I'm gonna go watch TV with Peter.

Peter, stay up! We're watching TV.

Oh, yeah, get that butt out here

and watch TV with me, girl!

I'm not gonna let Chantel ruin my vacation.

Oh, this is that reality show

about the black beauty shop that's on a boat.

Can you turn it down, please?

Mindy?

Okay, why don't I sing you a British lullaby, hmm?

Go to sleep little babe

Or the Bog-man will slice

Your tongue out...

Please, I'm so tired!

Hey! Oh, my God! Stay back!

Whoa!

What are you doing here, Morgan?

Okay, I knew you would need my help,

whether or not you admitted it. All right?

And rule number one with a baby,

don't use it as a human shield.

Oh, my God.

Truth be told, Morgan, I'm doing a bit of a botch-job.

Oh, God. He's crying more than Mother when we sold Wormwood Manor to the Saudis.

I don't know what that means.

Do you know what? I give up. I give up.

Please, just, just... Just hold him. Just hold him.

It's all right... There we go. Come here.

It's okay. It's okay. There we go. Yeah.

Did he just stop crying?

He hates me. No.

Yeah, like everybody hates me. Oh, no, no, no, no.

He's just remembering how great it was

when you were holding him

and that's why he stopped crying.

You think so? Yes, I do.

Here, try it again. Come here. Come here.

Oh, here you go.

You're a liar. You're both liars.

Hey, babe, I'm home!

Seals and Crofts? Daddy likey.

Sorry we couldn't get frisky last night. Love Mindy.

P.S. Enjoy the cannolis. They, um, forgot to put filling in them.

I'll show you frisky.

Give me some of that brown butter.

- What... What? Ow! - Oh, no!

Ah! Now I can never use that shower again!

What the hell, dude? You grabbed my butt!

I was confused! You have a very womanly silhouette!

Yeah, I know. I have a beer butt and weed boobs.

Thanks for reminding me.

Your apnea mask is on.

Mouth guard!

What the hell is happening out here?

Mindy, your boyfriend groped me.

You are a beard.

Oh no, it's happening again.

Why did you let Peter use our shower?

She didn't. I had to use your shower

because my dog Nicole is asleep on the T-shirt I use as a towel.

See? Reasons, Danny!

No. I told you about stopping over uninvited, okay?

We don't need a Kramer. And if we needed one,

Morgan's more that energy.

I'm sorry, Pete. Rules are rules. You're out.

Okay, okay, let me handle this.

Sweetheart, I am so sorry that happened.

I can't imagine you walking in there

and thinking it was my beautiful body

and then happening upon him.

But, Danny, you can't kick him out of the apartment!

We're just beginning to wean him back into society, okay?

You said "ween."

God. He's a monster.

All right.

Fine, you can stay.

But from now on, you're banned from this apartment, okay?

You don't bother us and we don't bother you, got it?

Very well.

All right, what the hell.

Well, it's been the worst night of my life.

I'm leaving.

Thank you, Morgan. I won't pay you,

but, uh, you can have all the soda you can drink.

Okay, it'd be cheaper to pay me.

I just wanna say that. If you need me,

I'm gonna catch a matinee of Wagner.

Depressing, anti-Semitic, sure.

But more fun than here.

All right. Can I say something real quick?

What? You should stay.

I mean, first of all, I can teach you how to put this little pork chop to bed.

And also, you told Lauren that you would do this.

Yeah, it's a nice thought, Morgan.

But I don't think I have a paternal bone in my body.

Sorry.

Peter.

Did he just say "Peter"?

I think he said "Pita,"

as in the Middle Eastern bread.

And definitely not "Peter,"

Lauren's ex-boyfriend and our co-worker.

Morgan, put the coffee on.

You're gonna teach me how to make this stupid baby

like me or my name isn't Jeremy Matilda Reed.

Who is it?

Oh, I didn't order any food.

Hi, I'm Ray.

Uh, Danny wanted me to change the locks.

He said he was the victim of a bathroom invasion.

Hey, while you're here, I'd love it if you could take a look

at the shower and see if you can install

one of those old lady seats? I get so tired.

I can take a look. Oh!

I checked with the city and we can knock down

that wall so you guys can combine

Danny's two apartments. Hmm?

He said something about wanting to make room for family.

Family? Family?

Ray, come here. My sweet Ray.

I've been waiting for this my whole life.

A man wants me to move in with him.

Tell me your name again. I'm Mindy, Ray.

Obviously. Okay, I gotta go.

Excuse me!

Hey, neighbor! Peter, you're evicted!

What? Danny wants to combine the two apartments,

so that I can move in with him.

So you gotta go.

God, what should I do with the place once it's mine?

I was thinking, like, a "Strawberry Shortcake meets Saddam's palace" vibe.

Okay, I am being insensitive.

I'm very sorry. But I don't wanna go.

I'm doing so well living next to you and Danny.

I know, I think we fixed you.

I think you should move on.

Didn't you tell me that you bought groceries today?

Yeah, and then I left them at a strip club!

Damn it. I'm a mess!

Look, I'm so sorry, Peter.

But I'm, like, 200 years old, okay?

I got to lock this down.

I finally found a boyfriend with a perfectly proportioned penis.

Do you know how rare that is in Manhattan?

I'm gonna hold on to him until a coroner drags me away.

I'm sorry, Peter, I just need this more than you.

Very well. I think I see the writing on the wall.

And I am sorry about that, by the way.

I will be out of the apartment by the morning,

but until then it is mine.

Thank you.

And just so you know,

you're acting like a crazy spinster.

And I didn't expect that from you for another two years.

And I don't know what is going on with you and Danny,

but this is pathetic.

Be that as it may, this is how it is. I'm so sorry.

Nicole, please see this jerk to her apartment.

Nicole?

I forgot her at the strip club, too.

Morgan, explain to me again why you're shirtless.

Because a very wise woman once said to me,

"If with a baby you want to win,

"always go skin-to-skin."

You know who that woman was?

That was Doctor... It was Mindy.

I was gonna say it, but yeah...

She loves to rhyme. I like it, though.

Yeah, me too. You're up next, okay?

And if he starts suckling, just go with it.

Okay, so, um...

So I just, uh, what...

Okay, so take off your blouse.

Well, it's, it's not a blouse.

It's a men's peasant top.

All right, whatever. Just take it off.

No, I'm not going to take it off. Just take...

No, no. What are you doing?

Come on! Just humor me! No! No! Shirt to skin!

Stop it! You're trembling like a woman! Shirt to skin!

I'm gonna freak out! No, no, no, no, no.

Argh! My elbow!

He's laughing. Why's he laughing?

He likes it when you hurt yourself.

Hurt yourself again. Hurt yourself again.

No way! I bruise like a peach!

Dr. Prentice would do it.

Fine. Do it. Do it. What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do?

He loves it.

Personally, I don't. I like the dry...

You know, like Frasier, that type of humor, but...

Ah, finally. An intimate evening for three.

You, me and Dr. Dan's Winter Melon Ale.

Bon appetite, baby!

I thought you said it tasted like urine.

No, I would never say that. It's my favorite drink.

You okay, babe?

Mmm-hmm. I love the way it tastes in my mouth.

Come here. Yeah.

Oh!

What's that noise?

What the hell is Peter thinking?

Oh, my God!

There's not a single coaster being used.

How dare Peter throw a party?

How dare Peter throw a party and not invite us?

I mean, look at all these basics.

Oh! My cornucopia.

My cornucopia! Hey, put the pens down.

Peter, you son of a bitch.

Hey! Hey! Come here!

Get over here. Get off me, Mom!

What the hell is wrong with you?

My real friends are throwing me a going-away party

to protest my eviction.

Pete, what the hell is going on, man?

I checked the microwave. It's cheese city.

You got to put that top on, the protector...

What do you call it? The plastic protector shield!

Put it on! I don't know what you're talking about,

I wouldn't use anything like that

even if I wasn't having a party!

What did you say? Hey, man!

No, no, no! Let him go! You better watch yourself!

There is a big disparity between sizes.

Oh? You're like an inch taller!

Inch and a half! With hair!

Yeah, and some forehead!

Okay, this is stupid. It's like an ant fighting with Thumbelina.

Peter, you're gonna ruin this place before I even get a chance to move in!

Yeah! What do you mean move in?

Oh, you don't know what this one's thinking.

Oh! There's a conversation to be had here.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I need to go get greased up

by my real friends for my party slide.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Pete!

No sliding! It's in the lease!

I thought about everything!

I can't hear that!

What do you, uh, what do you mean moving in?

What is that? Oh, Ray told me.

You don't have to keep it a secret anymore.

I know you wanna combine the apartments

to make room for our family.

Uh, no, no, I...

I wanna expand so Ma could have a place.

Oh. You meant your mother, your family.

Yeah. Mindy, look.

I am so embarrassed.

No, no, no. Don't be embarrassed.

I'm gonna go. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold... Hold on. Mindy. Min...

Get my nips! Don't forget the nips.

I'm Peter Pan!

Whoa!

Oh, my God! Pete!

Come in.

Hey, pal, I'm glad you're feeling better.

Really? Yeah.

I want you to get healthy and strong

so I can kill you for what you did to my apartment.

Look, I only threw that party because Mindy evicted me with no warning.

Yeah. Well, I got a bone to pick with her, too.

I don't understand why she's so upset with me.

Dude! You read her diary,

you know Mindy's all in.

So, when you start talking about knocking down walls,

she's gonna think that you're all in too.

Yeah, you're right. We have been getting real close lately.

She admitted to me that she's in her thirties.

Shut up. She swears to me she's 24.

No, thirties.

Yeah, I mean, I, I know. Yeah.

Well, go. Make things right with Diane.

What? Uh, Mindy.

Sorry. I am legit concussed here.

All right, bud. Rest up, okay?

Hey, Danny? Yeah, buddy?

Thanks for coming to visit me.

None of my other friends did.

You know what, Pete?

I think you should spend a little more time at my other place.

Are you being serious?

Yeah. Even though Bush dropped a deuce

in your washing machine?

I didn't know about that.

Oh! Wherever did I leave my banana peel?

Oh, it's there.

Coccyx, forgive me.

Oh, my God!

Thank you so much. And listen.

I know I tried to bail on you seven or eight times.

Yeah, you did. But thank you for sticking with me,

and listen, I owe you way more than soda.

So, take this. Oh, no.

Come on! That's crazy. Come on, come on.

All right. All right.

Lauren's gonna be so impressed.

Oh, yeah, she's gonna want you to watch Henry all the time!

What are you talking about?

I mean, this could be your life now.

You know? You're a lucky man.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Yes.

But, but what if I don't want any of that?

What if I just wanted a girlfriend and...

And I hadn't thought any of this through?

I don't know what to tell you.

Oh, dear.

I'll see you Monday. That baby's gotta sleep.

Okay.

Bye, buddy.

Bye!

Hey.

Hey. You don't have to do that.

You told me in your culture cleaning's a man's job.

It is. I just wanted the place to look nice for when your mom moved in.

Can we talk about that?

Sure. When I was thinking about having my ma move in,

that, I'm talking down the line, in the future,

when her bones finally turn to dust.

She's gotta take the yogurt for her bones.

Promise me you'll take yogurt for your bones.

Do you wanna talk about yogurt,

or do you wanna talk about us?

Look.

I'm nervous about it.

Really, really nervous.

But if you really wanna move in,

I wanna give it a try.

No, it's okay, Danny.

Look. I just wanna be with someone

who's as excited and certain as I am about our future.

And if you're not, that's fine.

Just let me know.

Because, honestly,

I'm gonna be fine no matter what happens.

You will? Hold on. Hold on.

What if I wanna move in with you?

Well, then you should ask me some time.

When you're not really, really nervous.

That's a good woman.

You better hang on to her.

Get out of my apartment.

Do you wanna get some breakfast?

Ripped By mstoll