All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S03E09 - How to Lose a Mom in Ten Days (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda).eng

Danny, my beloved sex partner, get in here.
Welcome to your erotic bath.

I don't know. Baths?

Isn't that like marinating
in your own filth?

Danny, come on. Cosmo says
that taking a bath together

is the number nine way
to have a horny autumn.

Don't you wanna
have a horny autumn?

I don't know. I don't think it's for me.
I'm good.

Yeah. You know what? Why
would you wanna take a bath?

Only losers take baths,
like Scarface.

I'm in.

Scarface never sat on
Michelle Pfeiffer's lap.

He should've. Maybe in
Scarface Two they will.

I feel like I'm in a BabyBjorn.

I'm like a kangaroo
and you're in my pouch.

Ow! Your knee's
in my butt cheeks.

Well, you just elbowed me
in the breast.

Ow!
This is nice.

What? This sucks. I could take
a bath with Beverly like this.

This is kinda nice.
It's nice, right?

Mmm-hmm. I told you we
should take a bath together.

Daniel!
Are you in here?

It's Ma! She can't
see us like this!

Pretend I'm in the bath and
you're on the toilet watching.

What? That's so much worse!
I'm comin' in!

Duck!

You're taking a bath? Isn't that
just marinating in your own filth?

It's sexy and cool.

Well, Ellen had on these two little
British girls, you know those girls.

And they're not even that good. I
mean one of 'em doesn't do anything.

I should have had you and Richie
on when you were that age.

Ow. Okay. Ma, I'm gonna need
a little privacy right now.

I gotta clean my bathing suit area.
All right.

But remember, the bathroom
door can't block God's eyes.

Good-bye, Ma!

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

What is the matter with you?

Let me say something. I am really impressed
at how long you can hold your breath.

You're like a Navy SEAL, babe.

See ya later, Danny!
Enjoy your bath, Mindy!

You blew it.

Danny, I still have
bubble bath up my nose.

That was the worst.

Your mother has to learn
some boundaries.

I sent you a dirty
text the other day.

You know what I got back?

"You should be ashamed of
yourself. This is Annette."

Sometimes Ma goes
through my phone.

You gotta stop sending
me all those nudies.

Oh, I will never stop
sending nudies.

That's my First Amendment right.

Danny, I feel like since we've started
dating your mom's been around a lot more.

Look, whenever I'm in
a serious relationship,

you know, she gets territorial.

She still wants to know that she's
my number one girl, that's it.

She's your number one girl?

If a train was coming and you
could only save one person...

Ma. You shouldn't have been playing
on the tracks in the first place.

Look, here's the thing.
My ma and I,

we don't have a normal
mother-son relationship.

I mean, since my dad left...

I've been the only
man in her life.

That is very sad and sweet.

Okay.
I get it.

Okay.

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"Remember you're not married.
It's a sin. Love, Annette."

Oh, Dr. Ledreau, how I love
these long, comprehensive chats.

Now, the trick with aphids
is you have to...

Catch them before they hatch! Yes, you did
mention that and it's very interesting.

Oh, Mindy! Hello! Come on in.
Take a load off.

Just giving Dr. Reed here
some gardening tips.

Cool. Wait. Jeremy, you said being
outdoors was for, quote, "Peasants."

What? No, she, she must've
misheard my thick, foreign accent!

Well, I have a delivery,
but to be continued!

Yes. Fare thee well,
Dr. Ledreau. Fare thee well.

Why are you being such a kiss-up to Dr.
Ledreau? He's so boring.

But he is about to retire.

Which means...
His parking spot is free?

I don't have a car, but I don't
want anyone else to have it!

No, no, no! Dr. Ledreau is gonna have to
refer all his patients to a new practice.

So I have been buttering him up to get my
hands on that sweet patient list of his.

Don't do that, Jeremy. It's dorky.
Oh, sorry.

Can't wait till I get my greasy
mitts on that parking spot. Walla.

How is that not dorky?
I look cool.

Everyone, I have an
announcement to make.

I know that you don't like when I drag
my personal issues into the office...

That's all you ever do!
It's unprofessional.

But you all deserve to
know the truth. Tamra?

I dumped Morgan last night.

How come no one's gasping?

Hey. What happened? Did you see the
two of you in a mirror together?

Wait, wait. What?
No! What?

No. I just felt like we were better off
as friends who don't hang out or talk.

Yeah.

What are you denying?
This is a terrible thing.

Morgan?
Yes.

Why is your desk and
all your stuff in my office?

Obviously, I'm too heartbroken to
work in Phlebotomy with Tamra.

So you and I will
be office mates unless,

Dr. L, you wanna take me in? No.

Dr. C, my man?
Absolutely not.

Dr. L?
Maybe Danny does?

Dr. C?
Nope.

It's all me and you, buddy.
No, I...

It's fine. Look, we make a few adjustments.
We can... The sign.

We'll just add... Like, I have a
bumper sticker that says Oregon.

And we can use a Sharpie
and make it Morgan.

No! No, Moregon.

Okay. Can we please talk
about this in our office?

Stop saying "our" office.

You just spilled all the blood
samples. Son of a bitch!

Hey, I made a
reservation for two tonight.

In my pants.

He can't. He's putting up
my Christmas lights. You're gross.

Ugh!

Hey, Peter?
Hmm?

Did you ever date a girl and her
mom's always hanging around?

Oh yeah, it was super awkward.

And in your situation, are you
also secretly dating the mom?

Oh, my God.

And Danny won't do
anything about it

because he's this creepy,
Norman Bates-style son-husband.

So why don't you get
her a real husband?

If finding a husband was that easy,
I would not be here working.

I'd be married and in Connecticut.
Hmm.

Wine-drunk all day and working on my smug-mom
blog called "Diapers and Daydreams."

Well, you could get her a date.

You know, someone
to take her off your hands.

That's what my friends
always do with me.

But it never works because the women
they set me up with always hate me.

That's a good idea. But I don't have
any friends to set her up with.

Damn it, why is my posse
so young and fresh?

And right after that robin left my birdbath,
you will never guess who showed up.

My friend Bill.
He's also a robin.

I said, "Come on in, Bill.
The water's fine."

Oh, look.
Another person is here!

Hello, Dr. Reed.
Hi.

Dr. Ledreau.
Mmm.

I have a question for you.
Mmm-hmm.

Would you like to get set up on a
date with Dr. Castellano's mother?

Oh!
Well...

That sounds lovely!

Boy, everyone in your
practice is so darn nice.

Just me.

I'm just a little nervous. I haven't been
on a date since 1974. Has a lot changed?

Do people still do cocaine?

Here's some tips.

Do not bring up your
ex-boyfriend and start to cry.

Sounds easy, but it happens. Also, if
he makes a joke, go, "You're bad."

That sounds slutty to me.
I know. Exactly.

And most importantly, wear an outfit
that makes you feel beautiful.

You don't like what I got on?
Dot picked it.

It's a New England Aquarium
sweatshirt and tan pants. No.

It's nice. It shows
she travels!

I think I might have
something in my closet.

You're a lot smaller than me, but this
one time I had a stomach parasite

and got real skinny.

Eat your heart out
Sofia Vergara.

I feel so beautiful. I think a
date is exactly what I needed.

What did Danny say
when you told him?

What the hell is this? Why's Ma dressed
up like the tart of Staten Island?

I didn't exactly tell him.

I said it was slutty.
Okay.

This is unbelievable.

Your poor, sweet mother
seemed lonely.

So I thought I would set her
up on a date with Dr. Ledreau.

What? No. No, no, no, no.
Ma, I do not like this.

Why not?
What's the big deal?

Yeah, you're acting as mad
as that time I used

your shoehorn to get my
phone out of the toilet.

I had no way of getting my shoes on that
day! I had to walk around with flip-flops.

Stop pimping out my ma. She's
nothing but cleavage right now!

Danny, this is nothing
compared to that V-neck

that gay guy from the mall
tricked you into buying.

Oh, and I get hit on nonstop
when I wear that thing.

And I don't want that for Ma.

Would you just relax?
It's one date and I'm going.

Your date! He's here! And it looks
like he has sex on his mind!

Whee!
That's not helpful.

Bye.

If he has a heart attack it's because
he took one of those sex pills.

Just leave him, Ma.

Danny, I just want your mom
to have a boyfriend

so Valentine's Day isn't you, me and Ma kissing
at the top of the Empire State Building!

That would never happen because
Ma and I like to get Chinese food

and then we watch goofy movies.

You know what, Danny? I think that
you are a part of this problem.

What are you talking about?
Yeah, your mom is overbearing

and she's clingy and she constantly
leaves weight-loss pamphlets in my purse.

But she only does those things
because you let her.

I think you like her
being around all the time.

No, I don't. She's not
my best friend.

You know, we don't know
who this Ledreau guy is.

He could be a killer.
They never caught Zodiac!

Okay. Dr. Ledreau
is a sweet, nice man.

If anything, I'm worried
he's not gonna like her.

What? Why wouldn't he like her?
Ma's a perfect 10.

Kate Upton is a perfect 10.

Who's this Kate Uptown?

Ooh,
a message from Annette.

Oh God. Help me! Please, help!
Oh no, he was a murderer!

Sorry, Mindy, I'm at the garden center.
Some of these guys no speaka the inglés.

Anyways, had a great
date last night.

If you see Danny, tell him
I might not do Sunday dinner

because I'm going on another date.
Yes!

Also, Ellen had this
dietician on the sh... Yeah.

Oh, my God, dude. How long
are you gonna be here?

Well, normally the amount of
months I date someone,

that's how many years it
takes me to get over them.

So, seven years?

I think that I would like to help you
create an online dating profile.

What do you say, huh?

So that you can meet
the woman of your dreams.

Yeah, I already met
Markie Post one time

and her publicist said,
"Stop sending her emails."

Come here. The trick to online dating
is you want to bold-faced lie.

So, for example,
what are your interests?

Dog husbandry and spending
time with Grandmother.

I will say "Surfing."

Now, professional income?
Impoverished.

I heard, "Rather not say."

Yeah. Now, we need
to upload a photo.

Oh, my God. I got one of me
collecting bones at the dump.

Oh, it's great.
I look really good.

The trick to online dating
is finding a photo of you

surrounded by two uggos,
so you look hot by comparison.

Yep. I'm gonna go get
Dr. Reed and Dr. Castellano.

I'll be right back.
Just get Dr. Reed.

Paging, Dr. Ledreau.
Please report to Mindy!

Just kidding. Dr. Ledreau, I heard that
you had a great date with Annette.

Well, I thought we did, but
she's not returning my calls.

What? She told me that she
had another date on Sunday.

Hey, Dr. Ledreau. Fancy
joining me for a spot of breakfast?

You can tell me
facts about toast!

I'm not really in the mood.

What did you do to him?

Nothing. I was just my
normal, charming self.

Dr. Ledreau, wait. How's your
grandson doing with the trumpet?

Dr. L, you gotta
come here and see this.

Morgan, I don't want to see
your ice bucket challenge.

It's like 80 years too late.

Yeah, but I did mine
with hot water.

It doesn't matter. No, come here.
Look, look. Look.

This is my online
dating profile.

The matches came back in.
Your first match is Sarah.

Yes! I love you. I'm in.

Dude, you gotta see 'em all.
I feel like she's the one.

Your next match is Annette.
Oh, my God.

Seems a little O-L-D.

Now she picked an excellent
choice of uggos.

Oh, no! I've turned her into
the tart of Staten Island!

Mindy, Dot and I
are watching QVC.

Now, the Safari Vixen Collection,
can white women wear that too?

Hey, why are you doing
online dating?

I thought you had a good
date with Dr. Ledreau.

Oh, I did!
I love dating!

But I figured if I had such a
good time with that fuddy-duddy,

I'm gonna see what
else is out there.

Hey. There is nothing
else out there!

Take it from me. New York City is
just all hot gays and bald straights!

Says you. I've already been twixting
online with a couple of cool guys.

A plumber from the Bronx, and a
blue-eyed black fellow who's a model.

Blue-eyed black guys are not real.
They're always a catfish.

Oh, my God,
Danny's gonna kill me.

Relax, she's just having
a sexual awakening.

Like when Stella got
her groove back.

That doesn't exist. You go to the
Caribbean, you get Natalee Holloway'd.

Is that what you want, Annette?

These online guys, they're all
murderers or weirdoes.

Hey.
Hey.

Welcome to Porgan's office.

Peter and Morgan.
Oh. Very cool.

Hey, have I ever told you
the story about these glasses?

Yeah. Got them at the Salvation Army.
Salvation Army.

They were throwing them...
They were gonna throw 'em out.

And I swooped in and
said, "Not on my watch."

Hey, I need a favor.
Anything.

Will you take Danny's
mom out on a date?

Really? You take her
out on a horrible date

and then she realizes that
Dr. Ledreau isn't that bad.

Oh, you want me
to throw the date?

Women won't let... No, no, no. I
just want you to be yourself.

Wow. First, you tell Tamra she can
do better than me, and now this?

You know what, forget it. But to
have you... I'll give you 200 bucks.

She can pick me up
at 8:00.

Hey, sweetheart.
Oh, hey, babe.

These are for you.

They're so beautiful.

Wait, did you cheat on me?

What?
I'll kill you.

I'll plow through
all your friends.

Mindy, relax.
No, of course not.

I wanted to thank you. I think
you're right. I do need to

Let Ma go a little.
I'm sorry.

You don't have to apologize, Danny. I
didn't apologize when I ran out of plates

and used your
records to eat off of.

Yeah. Well, the good news is, I
think she really liked Dr. Boring.

She's got another date tonight.

And you have a date tonight with Dr.
Dan, foot masseuse of the stars.

Tell your arches
it's Judgment Day.

Hello?

Hey, Annette! I'm just calling to find
out how your date went last night.

Mindy, you were right. I don't
want to play the field anymore.

I'm too old to be
making it with randos.

Oh, I am so happy to hear that.

I just want to go on
another date with Morgan.

Wait, what?

Beverly, where's Morgan?

He's out in the courtyard
playing catch with Dr. C.

Oh, God.

You know, I'm glad we did this.

I usually come out here to smoke.
This is much healthier.

Great idea, Morgan.

You know, my dad left
when I was a kid, too.

So I didn't even
know what catch was.

Turns out it's just like fetch,
but both people are the person.

That's a good point.
You're getting so big.

I gotta lay off the Creatine.

It's like I'm watching you
become a man before my eyes.

I love ya. Maybe next Halloween
we could hang out together.

Yeah. Sure.

Maybe I'll be Barney Rubble,
you be BammBamm.

I'll take you trick or
treating, the whole thing.

Yeah. I don't really trick
or treat anymore, though.

Morgan! Morgan, I need to
talk to you right now.

Listen, I can't do this
anymore. We have to tell him.

No. You're not telling him anything.
I'm sorry.

Shut up.
Stop, stop, stop it!

Stop it!
What's going on?

Danny?
Yeah?

I'm dating your mom.
You're what?

Do not freak out, Danny.
Do not freak out, Danny.

What?
You shut up.

Shut up.
What did you just say to me?

Danny, do not freak out. I just
set them up to teach your mother

a lesson so that she
wouldn't wanna play the field.

Okay. This is all your fault, okay? You're
putting those floozy ideas into Ma's head!

This is what Morgan's gonna do.

He's gonna call Annette right now
and he's gonna end things with her.

No.
Yes.

No. You guys think I'm not good enough for
Tamra, I'm not good enough for your mom.

Well, you know who likes
me the way I am? Nettie.

"Nettie"? I... I can't
break up with her.

Danny cannot have another father
walk out on him. I'm not...

I don't wanna have another father.
I will not let that happen.

Ow.
Stop it.

Oh.
I don't want another father.

What are you doing?
I'm so proud of you.

What are you... I forgive you.
I forgive you.

Okay. Okay. That's it.
Calm down.

Danny, I'm so sorry! You know,
this is all your fault, Mindy.

Stay away from my ma!

He's got a temper like his dad.
Shut up!

"Hey, Dr. P, do you know where
Morgan is?" Tamra casually asked.

He's on a date. Some older
chick he's really into.

Ew, why? Older women
are horrible.

Didn't he see Jacqueline
Bisset's Golden Globe speech?

Why do you care?
Didn't you break up with him?

I know, Dr. P. I feel Bell
Jar as hell right now.

I'm gonna go win him back.
Yes. You know what? Yes.

Go win him back.
And while you're doing that,

I'll move his desk
back into Phlebotomy.

Cool.
Okay.

Son of a bitch
bolted it to the floor.

Hi. Sorry I'm late. A store was
selling discounted fall decorations.

I'm talking gourds.
Yeah. That's great.

Well, we're gonna put that back
in the bag right now, thank you.

But you said we needed
cool fall...

Okay. The reason we're here,
Ma. This is an intervention.

You can't just be going out
with any rando you meet online.

You can't do that, okay?
Hey!

Whoo! I ran here.

Hi.

Hi!

What the hell is he doing here?
I invited him.

Like a fun double date!

This is fun, you know.

It's so hard for a family to sit down,
you know, for a meal these days.

Mmm-hmm.
I'm gonna kill him.

Oh, cool it.
Eat an ice cube.

I have never said this in the history of my
life, but I think we should skip dinner.

Ma, you're not going out
with him anymore, okay?

Daniel, don't talk to
your mother that way.

Nope. That's it. Annette Luiga
Castellano, come on. Get up.

No. We're going outside
and we're talking.

You don't tell me what to do.
Okay, the three of us up.

You are out of line.
We're gonna talk right now.

We're gonna have a family talk.
No. Sit your ass down.

I was... I wanted to sit down anyways.
I want you to shut up.

And I want you to button
up your shirt.

What are you doing? Going
on dates, playing the field?

Come on, this isn't you.
Well, maybe I want it to be.

Mindy says that there are...
Mindy's a sex maniac, okay.

It's not her fault, it's a cultural thing.
The spices, the colors.

Why do you think those
gods have so many hands?

But you, you're a good Catholic.
Behave like one.

Maybe too good a Catholic.

The only reason I didn't date when
you and Richie were growing up

was because I felt too guilty.

What? You wanted to date
this whole time?

It's not like men
weren't interested.

Why do you think Father Frank
was always over the house?

To aid my religious education
and do crafts with me!

And there were others too.
Yeah. There was the butcher...

Oh. Okay!
Three of your gym teachers.

Mayor Dinkins.
Okay. I get it. I get it.

People were into you, Ma. Then why didn't
you go out with any of these guys?

Huh? Why didn't
you go out with them?

Because you and Richie were so
let down when your dad left.

I just couldn't bring another guy into the
house who could disappoint you again.

You're a saint, Ma.

Oh, you are. Not the BS
kind like Mother Teresa.

You, you are a real saint.

I didn't mind giving up dating.

You know why?

Why?
'Cause I had you.

My number one boy.

You should be ashamed
of yourself.

You hurt my feelings.
I know I'm not Brad Pitt

or George Clooney or Matt Damon or
Casey Affleck or James Caan's son...

Okay, please stop naming
the cast of Ocean's Eleven.

Ocean's Thirteen.

Look. I am sorry that I said Tamra could
do better than you. You're a good guy.

What if I can't do
better than Tamra?

What? Of course
you can, Morgan.

You're thoughtful and kind,

and you're the best at lifting
things of anybody at the office.

Yeah. That's
really funny and cool.

Forget about Tamra. There's many girls
who would be lucky to have you, I swear.

Uh-uh.
Ow! Ow!

You're the old lady
who stole my man?

I knew it! I see the way
you look at his body!

I look at all men like that.
I'm kind of a pervert.

I hate this. I hate
when ladies fight over me.

I am not dating Morgan!
Look at me. Look at him!

And he's not even dating Danny's mom.
He's just doing it to prove a point.

Oh, a prove-a-point date.

Okay. I went on one of those
once with Yao Ming.

Morgan, I made a mistake.
Will you take me back?

No.
What?

I'm sorry, Tam, but someone
told me that I'm a good guy.

And there's a lot of other ladies out
there that I need to experience.

Danny's mom. Maybe Dr.
Reed's got a hot mom.

I understand.
Do you?

Mmm-hmm. I understand
I have two new enemies!

Sir, can we wrap this up?

Mindy, Mindy! Annette just called
and she wants to go out again!

Oh, Dr. Ledreau,
that's such great news.

You know, I've been feeling
kinda down recently.

Actually thinking of retiring.
No! Really? No!

But now I feel so doggone
young, I could work forever!

Plus, Annette's got some
body on her, huh?

Good-bye, old girl.
End of an era.

Morgan, I'm working in here.

Sorry.

I left half a Reuben sandwich in here.
No idea where it is.

Dr. P, I can't work in
Phlebotomy anymore because...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just move your desk in here.

Thank you.

Is there anyone else that would
like to work from my office?

Yup.

Daniel, even though your mother
and I are not together anymore,

I still love you. And I want
you to know nothing happened.

But she tried.

The twins are
looking good tonight.

Mmm-hmm. And if you got me that
boob job I've been begging for

they'd always be this buoyant.

God, they look huge.

Danny, are
you in there? I brought Dot.

Hi, Danny.
We're having an erotic bath.

You want me to bring
you in some ziti?

Mmm. Ziti is
perfect bath food.

Yeah, Ma, bring in the ziti.

At least she knocked.

Ripped By mstoll