All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S03E08 - Diary of a Mad Indian Woman (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda).eng

Oh, my God. Danny, she gone. And
I think Ben Affleck did it.

What are you doing?
Scooch over.

Oh, I thought tonight, I would
sleep on this side of the bed.

What? No, ever since I was a kid,
I always sleep on the right side.

It went Richie, Ma, me.

Well, at my home, this side is
actually my side of the bed.

You can tell because of the enormous
breast dents in the mattress.

But because we never spend the night
there, I never get to sleep in it.

All right, fine. Just
turn on my noise machine.

I can't sleep without
the music of the docks.

Okay.

There it is.

Oh, for Pete's sake.
What's the matter with you?

Are you a fisherman?

Night.
Goodnight!

What the hell?

Hmm?

Oh, my meat sticks.

Yeah, I need protein.

I exert a lot of energy when I'm sleeping,
dreaming that I'm winning the Olympics.

All right,

here's what we're gonna do.

See? Now we both get to
sleep on the right side.

I like it.
It's like yin and yang.

Hmm.
Hey, I'm the white half.

Do you hear me?

Ticky-ticky!

Ticky-ticky-ticky!
Stop, don't...

Ticky-ticky-ticky.

Ow!
Oh, boy!

Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

No, Ray Rice!
I didn't mean to!

You don't kick your girlfriend!

You were tickling me!

So, wait. Why do you
already own that?

What happened to your eye?

Danny kicked me in the face.

You're making it sound
like it wasn't an accident.

Oh, was it an accident,
Danny? I don't know.

Because my brain doesn't work
'cause it's still healing

from getting kicked in the face.

I do know that this kind of
thing wouldn't happen

if you spent the night
at my place ever.

I tried spending the night
at your place.

But I was immediately
burned by the steam

shooting out of
your busted radiator.

Oh, you hate steam, but you'll watch a
four-hour documentary on Old Faithful?

Me? I'd love to go
to Dr. L's.

I mean, all I get to do is
go to her place every night

for turn-down service.

Okay. Fine. Yes, tonight
I'll stay at your place.

Really?
Yes.

Ah-ha! Victory, sucker!

Wow, come on.
She got ya.

She got me. We are going
to have the best time.

Dr. L, that woman
you made out with

called and wants to see you.

Damn it, Beverly.

Her name is Dr. Fishman, and she
is the chief of obstetrics.

Okay? She's our boss.
Fine.

Our boss you made
out with wants to see you.

Hey, Jean.

Have you seen the show Black-ish?
I think you'd like it.

Zip it and sit.
Yeah.

Your name was signed in
to do rounds

with the interns last night.

But who did I actually
find working with them?

Me?

Dr. Prentice.

Okay. So has he been forging
your name on this paperwork?

Oh, no, no, no. No, no,
he would never do that.

That was Dr. Reed.

He can actually forge all of our
signatures. It's pretty cool.

I mean, do you think I would
actually sign a petition

to raise the minimum wage?

What, so Morgan can eat caviar?
I don't think so.

You know that being affiliated
with a teaching hospital

means you actually
have to teach, right?

Yeah, but
honestly, Jean,

aren't I too young to teach?

I mean, look at me.

I think the students would
be very confused.

They'd be like,
"She's our teacher?

"She should be the star of
her own Disney show.

"I'm not gonna listen to her.
She's too hot."

The students in this
program are mostly women.

They need strong female
role models.

If you don't teach,
your practice

could lose its affiliation
with this hospital.

You remember what happened
to Tribeca Gynecology?

Or should I say, Detroit
Gynecology and Check Cashing?

Yeah. Fine.
I'll make a difference.

Good, because you don't
have a choice.

You start tonight.

Oh, tonight is not good for me,

because my boyfriend
is supposed to stay over.

Blah, blah, blah.
Don't care. Goodbye.

Okay.

Coming.

Hello, my love.
Welcome back to paradise!

Oh, God. It's like
Grey Gardens in here.

Okay.

I'll be smothered by a
collapsing tower of tchotchkes.

Okay, that's very dramatic.

And you don't
have to complain so much.

My apartment is not that
different than yours, Danny.

You have your piano,

I have a children's xylophone.

Oh! In addition to my musical instruments
to distract us, we also have sex.

Gimme.
Oh, wow.

Now wait a minute, wait a minute, wait.
Can we even do this?

I thought you had to teach residents?
Mmm. I did.

But my hot boyfriend spending
the night was my priority,

so I had someone cover for me.

A very distinguished colleague

and a woman of color.
Who?

Good evening, fine pupils.

I'm Dr. Tamra Webb.

And I am honored,
elated, nay, overjoyed

to man the helm of this exquisite
ship called your education.

Should we move into the bedroom?

Hold on.

Two secs, hold on.
Okay.

You've got Mindy. Have
you lost your damn mind?

Oh, Jean! Hi!

Why is your nurse here
performing inspirational poetry

for my interns?

Uh, no, no, no. She's the opening
act, I am the headliner.

You better get down here
and get down here now,

or the only thing you'll be
delivering are boxes.

Why? 'Cause you'll be
working at the post office.

Very elaborate burn, Jean.

Okay. I will be right there.

I'm so sorry.

Okay, I'll be back soon. Just
amuse yourself in my palace.

Make yourself at home.

Okay, go.
I'll be fine here.

"Prince George's Hottest
Diaper Looks."

Oh, that is such a good one.
Don't lose my bookmark.

I love you.
I'll be back soon.

Okay. See you in a bit.

That's crap.

What's your problem?

Body wash? Mother's
Milk Breast Cleanser?

Come on, what about some
regular shampoo?

What the hell are these balls?

You gotta be kidding me.

Come on!

Ah, Mindy's got the
same neck massager as Ma.

Ripped By mstoll

Mindy's diary?

Oh, Nelly.

Always late,
but worth the wait.

Hi, everybody.
My name is Dr. Lahiri.

I am your real teacher.

And let me assure you, this will
not be one of those situations

where I end up
learning more from you.

Dr. Lahiri.
Thomas Jamil Gigak.

You can call me TJ. It's an
honor to be working with you.

TJ was number one
in his class at Harvard Medical.

He's basically like Doogie Howser,
except, you know, of a normal age.

Peter, you're making my ear hot!

Our patient is Mary Molloy, age 39,
suffering from a torsed ovary.

Thank you, TJ.

All right, who here can tell
me what "torsed" means?

It means that her ovaries are kind...
Oh, you know what, TJ?

Actually, the way that this works is that
I call on the person and they answer.

Why waste your time when you
know that I know the answer?

I'm not afraid of wasting my time,
as you will all soon find out.

Okay, Butler, what does
"torsed" mean? Go.

I'm gonna
pick the person. Okay?

Uh...

How about you?
Tiny frightened girl.

Do you know the answer?

Excellent choice.
That's Candace Lee.

She was ranked 82 at the
University of Minnesota.

She's a golden... Okay,
you're licking my ear.

You're inside of my ear.

Candace? Would you
like to answer?

A, um, torsed ovary means
your ovary has twisted on itself?

Is that a question or an answer? Because
if it's an answer, it's correct.

Very good.
So what should we do?

We'll be performing a simple
laparoscopic surgery to uncoil it.

Boom!

October 16th, 2007.

Today was the first day of my
residency, and hallelujah!

My program's filled
with smokin' hot dudes.

There's this one guy, Danny.
He's so handsome.

His lips are plump
like boiled hotdogs.

Damn it! Now I'm hungry.

Mrs. Molloy, your ovaries
are in good hands.

One of my all
equally-qualified interns

will be assisting me
in the procedure.

But I like him. The man.

His confidence reminds me of a
young, black Burt Reynolds.

Can he do it? Yeah. Him,
or someone like him.

You know, actually, confidence
contributes to high mortality rates.

Learned that the hard way.

Oh, you know who should help
me is my intern Candace!

Are you crazy?
She's the worst one by far.

You just have to get to know her.
You will love her. Candace?

Where's Candace?

Candace, come here.

I'm gonna go get her.

Because hand-holding
is part of teaching.

What the hell?
You're embarrassing me.

Mrs. Molloy, this is Candace,
the intern I was raving about.

Are you sure this is
a good idea? Damn it, Candace.

Dear Diary.
May 11th, 2012.

Oh, my God.
I had a hot sex dream

about that jerk, Danny
Castellano, last night.

What if I get turned on
when I look at him?

Uch, that cute little tush.

Like two scrumptious empanadas.

Damn it!
Now I'm hungry again.

Way to go, Danny Junior.

All scrubbed in. Listen. Very excited and
humbled to take the lead on this one.

Wait, what? You are not
taking the lead on this one.

Damn it! I told you that Candace
was doing the surgery, not you.

Dr. Lahiri, Mrs. Molloy specifically
asked for me to perform the surgery.

Now, I just don't want to see you get in
trouble because Candace is ill-equipped.

Oh, you don't wanna see
me get in trouble?

Listen, Poindexter.
This attitude of yours,

it might have worked in whatever
enclave of entitlement you came from.

I'm from Harlem. My parents
are from the Sudan.

The what, in Africa?
Yeah.

Look, I... I'm very... I did not know that.
I'm very sorry.

This is my OR
and what I say goes.

And if you don't like it, tough.

You know what they call me around here?
They call me Sarge.

Actually, that didn't stick.
We still call you Meatball.

You better listen to Meatball!

Yeah, you better listen
to Meatball.

Now just watch and learn. I don't
wanna hear about this anymore.

Candace!

Oh, my God.

Danny kissed me on the plane.

It was the moment I had
dreamed of for years.

I was so excited I didn't even finish
watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua afterwards.

Turn-down service!
Oh! Morgan!

What'd you do?
Oh, no... This is bad.

Holy mackerel!
This is Dr. L's diary.

No kidding, Morgan!
Does she mention me?

This is serious, okay?

I'm sorry but there's
no way out of this.

I mean, unless you somehow
made a copy of the diary.

And for that you'd need someone who
could forge Dr. L's handwriting.

And the only person who could do
that is, I don't know, Dr. Reed.

But he's all the way at work.

So you are screwed.

Wait a minute.
You're right, Morgan.

Jeremy's the answer.

To what?

No, I won't do it, okay? When I
got my calligrapher's license

I swore I would only
use it for good.

You know what? Fine. You know what?
Don't help me.

I'll just tell Mindy that I read her diary.
She'll dump me,

we'll have a big messy break-up,
and all work will come to a halt

for a couple years.
I've already stopped working.

Oh! Dear God, it'll be
the Falklands all over again.

Yeah, it will be.
What are the Falklands?

What do you mean
when you say Falklands...

Hey, guys!
Whoa! Hey, babe!

Wow, so we're hanging out
in Jeremy's office, huh?

Cool. Have
I ever been in here?

Get out.
Excuse me?

We... We're having a
private men's salon!

Just stay, leave...

Okay, well, that's all very rude.
I'm sorry.

Oh, I was looking for you. I am so sorry
that I didn't make it home last night.

Did you find anything to do?

Oh, yeah he did.

No, it's fine. I didn't
find anything personal.

I just found a book lying
around and I read it.

Oh, great. Sexploitations,
that Kim Cattrall book.

Yes. So good. Page
turner, right?

He's a Samantha.
I'm a Samantha.

Aren't we all?
I know!

Quite.
What a nerd.

Come here, you.

You're such a good boyfriend.

As a reward, I think tonight we
should spend the night at your place.

You spend the night...

At my place? That
helps us out so much.

Yeah, that's perfect for...
That works.

Okay. Well,
later, haters!

All right. That's funny.
"Later, haters."

"Later, haters."
Good stuff.

God, I almost blew it.
What is wrong with us?

Now we're all in on the lie.

Jeremy, come on.
You're my only hope.

Fine, fine.
Well, I better get started.

Oh! Hello, Dr. Fishman.

I know why you're here.

You heard that my mentee Candace performed
her first successful surgery last night.

Now that I'm a teacher,
I will be taking summers off.

A student just filed a sexism
complaint against you, Mindy.

Wait, what? Was it TJ?

God, I can't believe he
called me a sexist!

Is it possible he said "sexy"?

This is serious. We cannot
have a prominent male intern

thinking that this department is being
run by mean, man-hating lesbians.

I'm not a mean lesbian.
Neither am I.

I'll have you know
that at my last hospital

I was voted the nicest lesbian.

Congratulations.

You need to fix this, and
you need to fix it, when?

Now.

Okay. I'm going.

You're not winning any nice
lesbian awards this year.

What was that? Nothing, nothing.
I said nothing.

Hey, TJ.

You're a gym rat, too? Hey, did
this treadmill just ask my weight?

Rude.

So now you're ready to give your
star intern some attention?

You wish, I'm just here for
the joy of running, like you.

In college they
used to call me FloJo.

More so because of my
period, but still...

Dr. Lahiri,
it's not gonna work, okay?

My complaint's legit. And
I am not gonna be bullied

by the oppressive
matriarchal establishment...

Okay, that is enough.

Dr. Lahiri, I worked really
hard to get here, okay?

I paid my way through school by washing
dishes and selling an app to Microsoft.

And just because you see yourself in
some girl, I'm getting passed over?

Whoa, whoa!
Slow your roll, junior.

I don't see myself in Candace.
I see myself in you.

What?
Yeah.

Top of my class, big mouth, flawless
chocolate skin, banging body...

Yeah...

You are smarter than
the other students.

And sure, they're probably gonna
become cruise ship doctors.

But you have to let them
have a chance, too.

Why?

If you're a doctor that doesn't know
how to get along with other people,

then you're a bad doctor.

Look, just apologize to Candace.

You were a real turd
to her the other day.

Okay.

But only if you apologize for
drinking all of my sports drink.

This? Oh, no, no.
I've had this for years.

- Oh...
- What? What'd you read?

The list where she ranks the races?
I know, it's chilling.

I shouldn't be reading this.
This is none of my business.

Yeah, no. It's none of your
business, but it's our business.

Read it, Dr. Reed.

Fine.

"Dear Diary,
tonight I had the most..."

... wonderful
date with Danny.

We went for a long walk
in the moonlight.

And then when we got back home,
Danny got down on one knee

and said...

Mindy Kuhel Lahiri.

Oh, my God.

Did you vote for de Blasio?

What?
Because if you did,

this is what you're gonna get.
Trash on the street.

Ugh!

Man, unbelievable!

I know it sounds crazy, but I
really thought he was gonna propose.

We've been dating for months,

and he doesn't even like
spending the night at my place.

And even though I'm built like a
15-year-old, I'm not getting any younger.

If he doesn't propose by Christmas,
I might have to move on.

Marriage?

Marriage? I mean, we've only
been dating for seven months.

I mean, that's a little bit crazy.
Right, guys?

Uh...
Uh...

I don't know if I'd
call it crazy.

Yeah. I mean, you're both
turning 50 soon.

And let's be honest, you're
something of an acquired taste.

And, what I'm saying is,
you're out of options.

That's ridiculous. My barista
puts hearts on my coffee cup.

I mean, sure, you've only
been dating for seven months,

but you've known
each other for seven years.

That is a common law marriage.
Mmm-hmm.

Like I have with
my houseman, Pao.

Don't you... What?

Oh, hello, fellow sexist!
Okay.

You know, for the world's biggest sexist
never to have a complaint filed against him,

I'd say you must have
done something pretty bad.

Okay. It doesn't matter.
It's all fixed now.

I talked to TJ and I explained
to him the importance

of encouraging quieter
students like Candace.

Huh.
Oh, there they are now.

I'm sorry about earlier, how I treated you.
It was kind of disrespectful...

Whoa!

Candace!

She really has taken after you.

Yeah. She wants me to
propose by Christmas.

I mean, it's not right. It's too much
pressure on the Lord's birthday.

I mean, you think that's
crazy, right?

Of course it's crazy!

You should break up with her.
What?

No. No, I'm not doing that.

We just went 50/50
on a unisex raincoat.

She's old, Danny.

You can practically hear the last
egg rattling around in there.

Ma, come on.

You don't string along
a girl her age.

If you know you're not gonna
propose, you gotta end it.

Her place.
What?

The diary!
I gotta go, Ma!

Where you going?
I love you.

What, now you're going?

I love you.
What? Look at the mess here.

So what if the patient is
afebrile and not tachycardic?

Dr. Lahiri?
Yes.

Uh... I think Candace probably
knows the answer to that.

Thank you, Gigak.
Candace?

I'm so sorry, I wasn't
paying attention.

What was the question?

Great. Candace is still
lame and you broke TJ.

I know, I know. Okay.
Okay, come here.

I need to talk to you
for a second.

What the hell was that?
You need to focus.

You can't get distracted by boys.
You're never gonna be the best.

Leave me alone!

If being the best means being a bossy
stressed-out spinster, then no thanks!

You had that one locked
and loaded, huh?

What's the matter with you?
I believed in you.

And I believe in nothing.
Okay?

I'm very disappointed, Candace.

This mentorship is over. Leave the
signed headshot I gave you on my desk.

Get out of here. I don't
wanna work with you.

Everyone, I'm done.
I can't do this anymore.

Okay, she's agitated and
calling it a day work-wise.

This is gonna happen a lot.
Thank you, Peter.

Tell me it's done!
Finito.

Is it done?
Finito is Italian for done.

Thank you.

Dr. Lahiri,
I am impressed.

With what? My hair? It's not even mine.
It's from a dead woman.

I'm impressed
with your teaching.

How? I tried to mentor
Candace and I made her worse.

They can't all be top of class.

I mean, for every Sanjay Gupta there's
a dozen Michael Jackson doctors.

Really? But you did
mentor someone tonight.

Just not the person you
thought you were mentoring.

Oh, my God.

All along the person
I was mentoring was me!

No, that's stupid. TJ. The person
you were mentoring was TJ.

Oh, my God. All along, the
person I was mentoring was TJ.

That's what I just said.
You are so damn wise, Jean.

You are wiser than your years.

Actually, maybe you're
as wise as your years.

How old are you?

Most real lesbians are like,
in their 40s, right?

That's something I've noticed.
Settle.

You got one thing right
but a thousand things wrong.

Don't get a big head about it.

Too late. I'll never
remember the wrong things

and I'll only remember
the right thing.

Thanks.

Thanks.

What the hell, man? There's
like, no toppings on here.

Right there. I'm just
gonna do it myself.

So sorry about that.

Hey!
Hey.

Why are you so out of breath?

Nothing. Oh, were you, uh...
I love that.

I love that you feel so at home
that you can do that here.

What? No. No, no.
I don't feel at home.

Okay? It's too early
to feel at home.

I actually get that. When I
first moved here, I hated it.

I thought it was haunted.
It turns out,

it was actually the whistle that
my nose made while I slept.

It's not that. Uh...

I don't think you realize
what a big step it is

for me to stay over
at your apartment.

Yeah, I don't. Because I practically
live at your apartment.

Danny, my clothes basically all
smell like leather and vegetables.

Look, I wanna be comfortable
here, I really do.

But I tried staying at
another girl's apartment

and I thought
it was gonna be nice,

but it turned out to be awful.

And now you're putting all this
pressure on me with these timelines.

What timeline? I just asked
if you wanna spend the night.

It's a very short timeline.

Hey, um, I'm really exhausted and
I have not slept in two days.

So, just decide. Do you wanna
stay or do you wanna go?

I'm gonna go.

Okay.

All right, goodnight.

Bye.

Open!

For the last time,
lock your door!

And keep it locked.

So you're staying?
I'm here, aren't I?

Now scooch over.
You're on my side.

Ripped By mstoll