Original subtitles

Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh!

Well, how can you know what's going on

in the movie with your eyes covered?

It's too scary, Danny. Just describe it to me!

Okay. The lights are flickering,

faceless kids are coming through the mirror right now.

What?

It's all going to hell.

Danny, stop describing it so well!

It's worse than just watching it.

Now, wait a minute.

Isn't this movie still in the theaters?

Mmm-hmm. I stole it from the internet.

You stole it?

Yeah, that's how I get all my music and movies.

I go to this really cool site.

It's called videodump. AlQaeda. Biz.

You steal music too? Of course, Danny.

Don't you support the artist?

What about the A and R guy

who took a chance on him with the label brass?

Don't you think of him? No.

That's against the law!

It's not against the law if everybody does it!

It's like how I pretend to be in the armed forces

so I can board a plane early.

I never break the law. Okay?

We go dancing... Mmm-hmm.

...I make sure the club has a valid cabaret license!

Oh, look! The final Hunger Games downloaded.

Oh, God. I'm gonna be so sad when these are over

and I can't steal them anymore.

Wait a minute. What's going on here?

You... You clicked a virus!

This is a run of the mill computer-destroying virus.

All you need to do is get a whole new computer

and then tell the FBI that yours was stolen.

Oh, my God, the camera turned on!

Get out of my house!

Ripped By mstoll

Ma, tell Mindy about that

water aerobics class you signed up for.

Danny! You keep calling it water aerobics.

That's just so un-cool.

It's called Synchronized Seniors Aqua Disco.

I'm not signing up for that!

I don't wanna get too muscular.

I have a dancer's body.

Annette, do you have a bathing suit?

I could lend you a bikini, but I only have bottoms,

'cause I like to go au naturel.

Okay, we got it. We got it.

No, I'm gonna wear Richie's soccer shorts

and my Garfield T-shirt.

Danny's worried I'll get ogled at.

The instructor's Cuban! It's cultural!

A baggy T-shirt and shorts?

If you wear that to the pool,

you're gonna get straight up bullied.

Oh, come on. Who's gonna bully her?

Look at this sweet face.

I would.

Okay, I'm taking you shopping on Monday.

We're getting you a new swimsuit.

Wow. My two favorite girls

going shopping together.

I love it.

We're finally gonna get some

one-on-one time, Mindy.

Just you and me.

I'm gonna tell you all the things

I walked in on Danny

doing over the years!

Masturbating?

- Okay. - God, Dot.

What? Come on, Dot. That's gross, all right?

Well, we had a night of crazy sex

and now it's time for the punishment.

So, where we going to brunch?

Actually, I hate brunch.

But if you're like, the first brunch guy

in the history of the world,

we can go get some.

Shut up. I just thought, you know,

we should do what you wanna do today

so, you wanna go to spin class?

Or you want me to meet your friend's new baby?

Who is this monster you're describing?

I'm not one of those sample sale

mani-pedi princesses.

I just wanna chill out and have fun.

You like, mastered life.

I know.

I'm like the Matthew McConaughey

of the romance novel world.

So, on your ideal Sunday, what would you do?

I would drink a bunch of hard lemmys

and make outlandish football bets.

Wait.

Wait, I'm sorry. Did I say the wrong thing?

We can do whatever you wanna do.

You want me to put together some shelves?

You wanna go visit your sister?

No. Calm down,

I'm just gonna make a run to the liquor store.

Your mission while I'm gone

is to melt cheese on something.

I believe in you, Peter.

Okay.

Guys, I have an announcement.

What? That you're rich? We know!

Tamra, can we please go back to the days

before you found my paystub in the trash?

I'm trying to tell everybody here

that your friend Abby is my perfect woman.

Oh. Sorry, go on, Dr. P.

Dating Abby is like dating a ride that won't stop.

She's amazing.

All she does is write two hours' worth of sexy stories

during the day and then she's just hanging,

day drinking, night smoking.

And she's not one of these uptight Manhattan chicks

that's trying to get me to change

or make me wear pants when I leave the house,

or obsess with the new blow dry bar down the block.

Blow dry bar? How basic do you think I am?

This is from the tousle bar.

It cost $100.

What? Yeah, more than this guy's rent.

Yeah!

Pete, don't screw this up!

A low-maintenance girl that likes to hang,

no drama, not a lot of pampering?

Oh, like you're not pampered.

Why don't I give Morgan

one your 9,000 moisturizers?

Why don't you give them to Morgan? Uh, I don't need any.

I'm always wet.

I've actually found it very gratifying dating a serious woman

who challenges me to be my best self.

Oh.

You know, I tried dating a woman like that,

but she left me for you.

So I think I'll stay on the track that I'm on, huh?

Yep, good plan, lots of luck with it.

Yeah, you like that plan? Oh!

Huh? Hey!

I got a million black BICs in this mug!

Oh, no!

Mindy, I'm coming out! Okay.

Ta-da!

It's good, huh?

Annette, that looks like something that Rihanna

would wear to hedonism.

Oh, that sounds good.

No. No.

I think that those straps are just not age-appropriate.

What? You sound just like Danny.

Whatever happened to taking a risk? Hmm?

So, was Danny always a crazy psycho about rules?

Ugh, Danny was always such an angel.

I used to listen in on his confessions.

So boring!

Of course, there were the impure thoughts

and on and on about big, milky-white breasts.

Okay, he hates those now.

He likes small ethnic breasts now.

Yeah. Well, I'm glad he's with someone

who pushes his buttons.

Like I do. When he was little,

every April Fool's Day, I used to pretend I died.

How did you get naked so fast?

And this. And that. And that.

And one more thing. Okay.

This is for a swim class.

Well, I gotta eat, don't I?

Would you like to open a store credit card?

I shouldn't. My credit is bad.

You get a fun email on your birthday.

My social is 6-3-7-7-0...

You know what? It's just gonna get declined.

I'm gonna give you my boyfriend's social.

7-4-3-9-7-4...

Uh-oh. Look out, here comes Shopaholics Anonymous!

I bet you two did some damage, right?

Yeah. There was some damage done. Hmm.

Can I speak to you privately in my office? Sure.

Danny, don't think I forgot my little Blue Angel!

Oh, Ma! A bomber jacket? Yes!

I always wanted one of those.

I used to play Top Gun wearing a garbage bag,

pretending it was one of those.

Ma, that's way too much.

It wasn't that much.

It's a little snug.

Maybe you can exchange it for one

that's a few sizes larger

and I could borrow it a little bit?

Nah. You should take it off.

Okay. Okay.

Danny, you deserve it.

You work so hard

and you've got such a thoughtful girlfriend.

We really connected!

Oh. What do you think, Ma?

Oh. It's perfect!

Requesting permission to fly by your office, Mindy.

What?

It's from the movie Top Gun.

Okay. I have not seen it.

I have seen the porn parody.

Okay. Well, did you wanna talk to me in private or what?

Oh. Yeah, oh, that's what you meant.

Um, yeah.

I was just gonna say that

your mom's keeping her body real tight.

Ah, that's so nice!

Really? It's kind of a weird thing to say.

No, she's right.

Excuse me?

Oh, my God,

are you Abby? I am.

I have an idea for a romance novel

that I would like to sell you.

Oh, that sounds great.

It's basically Twilight. Mmm-hmm.

But here's the twist. I'm the girl.

I think it's a really good idea. Yes.

I think you should write it though.

Oh, my God, thank you for saying that.

My boyfriend says I'm a, quote,

"Shockingly bad writer."

Oh. You're cool.

Yeah, doy. She's cool.

We've only been chillin', grillin', blazin', lazin', rollin'.

Oh, which reminds me,

you remember that 24-hour dance party

that I was telling you about, the Electric Insanity Ball?

I just read an article that they should

shut that thing down. It sounds great!

The Electric Insanity Ball?

That's only the coolest party in town.

Well. Well, Tamra got us all tickets, so...

That is so awesome. Ah, sucks.

I'm on call! You can't party when you're on call.

Had I known that, I never would've become a doctor.

You cannot be on call.

I'm gonna cover for you. You have to go to this party.

That's wonderful, thank you. Mmm-hmm.

You're gonna have to probably keep covering for him

for a while though, because after tomorrow night

he's gonna be fried for like a week.

Okay.

I once had fries for a week.

Yeah.

Welcome to the danger zone.

Did you take the highway?

I have wonderful news, Mrs. Randall.

Jeremy, I need your opinion on etiquette.

You're two months pregnant. Goodbye.

Sit down. Thank you.

You chose wisely,

coming to the most well-mannered person in the office.

Oh, it was based more on who was back from lunch.

I'll take it. How can I help?

Do you know that bomber jacket that Danny is wearing?

I hate it, too. Aren't we dreadful?

No! No, no. It was shoplifted! By Danny's mom!

No!

And I wanted to tell him right away,

but he just loves it so much. I should tell him, right?

Wrong! There is no advantage

to shining light on familial scandal.

In Britain, we have an expression.

Keep Calm and Don't Mention Uncle Susan in the Attic.

My God.

That might just be my family.

It's gone! I don't know where it is!

It's a symbol of my love for you!

I know. But you...

Oh, my God.

Did you buy Tamra an engagement ring?

Oh, no, I'm out of town for the wedding, whenever it is.

No. No, it was a charm bracelet from the drug store!

But it's three months' salary down the drain.

My God, we pay you so little.

Hello! I'm on a poster for a poverty campaign.

Don't freak out, Tamra. I lose my stuff all the time,

you just have to retrace your steps.

Whenever I can't find my phone,

it's usually in the freezer next to my ice cream bars.

Okay, the last time I remember having it,

is when I took it off to show Dr. C's mom.

Hold up. You showed it to Annette?

Yeah, she was like, "That's fierce as hell. No shade."

I could be paraphrasing.

Mindy! What a surprise! Come on in.

Dot and I are watching Passion of the Christ.

What they did to that man.

Poor Mel.

I actually can't stay.

I need to talk to you about something.

One of our nurses lost her new bracelet.

Which nurse?

She's tall, very pretty, mid-20s, she's black...

You could have just said Tamra.

Is it possible that you, I don't know,

like tried it on and then forgot to give it back to her?

Are you accusing me of stealing?

What? Stealing?

No! No, no, no, no, no.

How dare you?

Can you two keep it down? This is my favorite part!

Judas is getting his coins!

My house, Dot!

Yeah, Dot! Just shut up!

We're in the middle of something.

Please, I will not tell a soul, but if...

What?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. DOT: Great, I missed the coins.

Tamra, you found your bracelet? Where was it?

I forgot I tried it on my ankle for a while.

Always the last place you look.

It was the first place I looked.

Oh, hey, baby. Hey.

Um, I have an idea for tonight.

You know what I think we should do? Just completely unplug.

Like, don't use technology, don't use our cell phones.

Just you and me. Ah, I like that.

Yeah? Lt'd be good for me to get away

from my healthy recipe sites for a night.

That's great. Hold on a sec.

Wow, eight missed calls from Ma.

Ah, she probably just butt dials you.

Don't worry about it. Hello?

God. Huh?

Mindy did what?

Ma, please calm down!

Mindy doesn't understand social mores!

She's from Boston! Ma?

Ma?

Great, she hung up.

This is the worst thing you've ever done.

And I'm including when you thought that cab driver

was the guy from Captain Phillips.

You didn't see him. He was very gaunt.

He looked nothing like the guy from Captain Phillips.

I think it was just a little bit too much

too soon for me and your mom.

But she's going to get over this eventually.

Oh. And until then, whenever she comes over,

I'm just gonna sit in the closet,

read an Archie comic and stay there until she leaves.

And you can just slide a plate of food under the door.

No, no. That's not what's gonna happen, okay?

Tonight, you and me are going over to Ma's house for dinner.

Great. So she forgave me? What's the big deal?

You don't understand.

You're dealing with Catholics now. Okay?

This is a guilt dinner.

Which means she's gonna torture you.

Get ready to repent, Lahiri.

Now go home and put on something black and modest.

Okay, okay, okay.

Now, the only thing that I have that's black

is my Catwoman costume.

Are you kidding me? You know what?

I will just zip it up all the way to the top.

And definitely underwear.

Yeah, uh, yeah.

Oh, hey, Pete. Hey, buddy.

I got bad news for you.

Mindy can't cover for you tonight.

She's got a dinner date with my Ma.

First thing on the menu, crow.

For dessert, humble pie.

Appetizers. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Mindy's gotta cover for me.

Abby's taking me to an all-night dance party.

And if I'm on call, I have to be sober.

And I'm not talking take the SAT's sober.

I'm talking like, sober sober.

Why do you need to be drunk to dance?

Doesn't that make your moves less precise?

Actually, no. It has the opposite effect on me.

I guess I could hang out with Abby not messed up.

But, we've never done that before.

Yeah, but if it's a real thing,

you're gonna have to do it eventually, right?

Yeah, I see your point.

Why are you looking at me like that?

You look a lot like Mindy in that outfit.

Keep your eyes up here, man.

You look good!

Shut up!

Peter, what's wrong?

It doesn't look like you're having fun.

No, I think the granola bar I ate hasn't kicked in yet.

Oh, yeah, you're dancing like an undercover cop.

Morgan! What are you on?

Nothing.

Hey, you can't have just like, one beer?

I'm on call. I gotta stay sober.

You know? I have to be on my A-Game.

Oh, you wanna... You wanna be on some A-Game?

Because I think the bouncer is selling some.

No, actually, I just got a text.

I have to go to the hospital for a delivery.

Oh, you want me to go with you?

No. No, you stay. Have a good time.

Come back later. And bring the baby!

Dr. P, can I have your underwear

if you're gonna leave? Mine's all soaking wet.

No, yeah. I think I'm just gonna go with all my clothes.

It's not urine, it's sweat.

Let's all bow our heads.

Dear Lord,

please help us find it in our hearts

to forgive the most terrible of crimes,

the wrongful accusations

leveraged against the innocent elderly.

You gotta be kidding me with this?

O Lord whose wrath knows no bounds,

please spare Mindy the pestilence,

boils and famine you are surely considering right now.

Although a little famine

wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

And please watch over Dot,

Richie, Danny and the stray cats. Amen.

Amen. Great one, Ma.

That was a beautiful and kind of pointed prayer.

Annette, I just want to say to you again

how sorry I am for everything that happened.

It's fine. Water under the bridge.

Really? Let's just move forward

- and enjoy this roast chicken together. - Great.

Oh, and just so that Mindy knows

that I paid for the chicken,

I had the receipt framed for her. Dot?

Okay, that is enough! Put that away, Dot.

Mom.

The reason that I thought

you stole the bracelet, Annette,

is because I saw you

steal the jacket that Danny's wearing.

Mindy. Please, stop.

I will not stop, Danny.

I saw it with my two eyes.

And I have perfect vision

because I'm so young. Ask her!

What was the question again?

Ask her if she stole it.

Ma. Did you steal the jacket?

Yes. Yes, yes!

I walked out of the store with the jacket.

What?

Thank you. Thank you.

It's just that my mind,

sometimes it just gets foggy

when I don't take my fish oil.

But as soon as I realized it,

I went right back in there and I paid for it.

Well, there you go. What? When?

When you were busy pumping quarters

into the massage chair and groaning.

I didn't wanna tell you, Danny,

because I'm already such a burden.

Ma, you're not a burden, okay?

No, no, no, no, no.

You're my beating heart, Ma!

Oh, no.

I don't see how you come back from this!

Sayonara!

There, okay. Yeah.

Oh. Ooh.

Yeah, your... Yeah, it's my watch.

Your watch is caught. It's really stuck. Ow!

Ah!

Maybe they forgot to take off the tag?

You're a shoplifter?

Mom, I'm questioning my entire childhood right now.

Christmas presents, my baseball gear,

did you steal those too?

No! No, of course not.

I just started doing it last year,

here and there.

I... Maybe I've just been bored lately.

Could it be the danger?

Maybe it's a sexual thing.

No. No, no, no. No. No.

It's... How could it be that? It's not... No.

Don't say that. It's not a sexual thing.

That's disgusting.

Ma, look, tomorrow

you're going to the store

and you're gonna return the jacket

and you're gonna apologize.

I'd rather not, if it's all the same to you.

It's not all the same to me, Ma!

I'm sorry. You're going.

We're all going. Except Dot!

Oh, like this trip would appeal to me in any way.

Annette, I can only imagine

that the embarrassment you feel right now

is equal to the triumph that I feel. Okay, baby.

And if that's the case...

I'm really sorry I doubted you,

but if you don't shut up right now,

my mom's gonna hit you over the head with a rolling pin.

Okay. Well, you know what, then? I'll just go get my purse.

To just make sure that all the money's still in there.

Okay, Ma!

Ma! Ma! Ma, calm down.

Here he is, the man of the hour.

Look at that.

We'd like to return this jacket.

Sure, can I see your receipt?

Uh. I wish I had one.

But unfortunately,

there was never a receipt for this item.

She's a good woman, my mom. Single mom.

Let me tell you, when my dad left...

The jacket has ink all over it.

This was clearly stolen.

Yes, and you know what? She is very sorry.

And we are going to ground her for a week.

Yes, we are. Miss, you know,

when you're over 60 in this country,

you are invisible.

I took that jacket to make a political statement.

Shh, no, no, shut up. Shut up. All right,

we're just gonna pay for the jacket and be on our way.

If you want, you could take a picture of her,

that will really scare her. Great idea.

I'm sorry, but this jacket cost over $500,

it could be a felony charge.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to call Gary.

Gary?

Did you hear her? I'm going to jail!

Yeah, and I'm gonna have to break you out.

I don't know how to dig tunnels!

Mindy can dig! Okay, listen up! Listen up.

We are not doing this. We are making a run for it.

What? Are you crazy? We're not gonna run for it.

We're gonna sit here and face the music.

Snap out of it.

Danny, we're not letting your mom get arrested

because it's the letter of the law? This is family!

When our son gets arrested in the Hamptons

for having a bar fight, I'm gonna drive his ass to Mexico

in the back of a chicken truck! What are you gonna do?

Run.

Uh. I'm sorry!

Tell Gary I'll send him a check!

Hey, Peter! What's shakin'?

Some hard core epiphanies, actually.

Hey, what happened to you last night?

You know, I just, I went home,

I took a shower, I did the dishes,

kind of just went to bed early.

Bummer. Actually, it was pretty great.

Look, Abby, I think we need to talk.

Oh, no.

You don't have to cross around and...

You're gonna sit, aren't ya? Don't do the...

Yeah.

Peter, I've written enough overwrought break up scenes,

so I know how this goes.

- Abby... - I think you're great.

Whoa.

I just... I'm learning that I, uh...

I think I need someone who wants me

to put pants on before I leave the house,

and maybe someone who likes brunch.

Well, I can't help you there.

It was fun though, right?

Oh, yeah. It was fun.

Well, if you ever wanna get baked

and go to a Renaissance Fair, then, I'm your milady.

Well, that sounds m'nice.

All right. I'll see ya.

Bye, Abby. Bye.

Hey Peter! What's shakin'?

Hmm?

Was I just in here?

I'm sorry. I'm so high. That's hilarious.

You remember we broke up, right?

Danny,

guess who paid for her first song ever!

Is that's why you were locked in the bathroom for an hour?

Mmm-hmm. That and other reasons.

Hey, you know, thanks for helping Ma out.

And I gotta admit,

running out of the store like that,

I... I kind of got a tingle.

Oh, my God, Danny. Are you Breaking Bad?

Relax, I'm, I'm still all about the rules.

I'm just saying, you know, the number one rule

should be Family First.

I like that. Yeah?

I think that you are becoming a bad boy.

And I like it. You like it.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah?

Do you like when I wear stolen merchandise?

Ooh. Do you like that?

Mmm-hmm.

How about this?

Whoa.

I got a real need.

The need to squeeze.

Mmm.

You're really gonna like the song I downloaded then.

Oh!

Um, I'm gonna go

do paperwork in the bedroom.

Hey, Goose. It's Maverick.

You wanna have some sex tonight?

Don't call me Goose!

Ripped By mstoll