Original subtitles

Where?

Sweetheart! Where have you been? I've been waiting here this whole time.

Let's go in! No, no, no, no, no.

It's The Godfather II. The movie that raised me.

If I'm not in my seat before the trivia game,

the whole film-going experience is ruined for me. It's ruined.

Baby, what are you talking about?

The whole film-going experience is checking your phone,

people watching, and over-the-pants make out. Honk.

Hey, don't do that here.

Yeah. It was cool. All right, let's go. Come on.

Hey, uh, can we get two tickets? One adult and one child.

I'm sorry, we're sold out.

What? What?

You've been here for an hour and you didn't buy tickets?

When's it playing next? Tomorrow at noon.

Tomorrow at noon. Let's get out of here.

How would anyone wanna see this movie? Because you were late.

I've never even heard of it. Okay?

You've never heard of The Godfather?

Ripped By mstoll

Hey.

Huh, according to my genuine quartz accuracy, you're late.

What? You're late.

I'm not late. It's 9:18, which is practically 9:15, which is basically 9:00.

Danny, if anything, I'm early.

Mindy. We've been dating for seven months and you're never on time for anything.

Okay. Occasionally being late is just part of my spontaneous and fun deal, Danny.

You have to take the bad with the good.

Why can't I just take the good with the good? Like you get with me.

What are you talking about? I have to go to church with you every Sunday.

I'm not even Catholic.

Sweetheart, don't be mad. Okay.

Okay? Good morning.

Good morning.

Dr. Castellano, do you have a moment?

Dr. Fishman, yes, of course.

Oh, boy. Pardon me for the mess. I feel really...

Move that. ...embarrassed.

Just kidding. I'm a real neatnik.

Okay. You want me to call the others?

No. I'll just get 'em in here?

Actually I just wanna talk to you.

Okay. There's a new mental health seminar

that I'm starting for at-risk hospital personnel. Boom.

I think you could benefit by having an outlet for your uncomfortable feelings.

Wait a minute. My mental health is perfect. Okay?

And I do have an outlet. His name's Father Francis,

he's 97 and he only speaks Latin.

Stop it. The last time I saw you, you threatened to kill yourself

because your girlfriend kissed someone else.

How are you and Dr. Lahiri doing?

You know, I'm worried about the two of you.

Oh, no, no. The only thing you need to worry about is that I might murder her.

But other than that...

That was a joke. I was joking.

She's been late a lot recently.

You know what? Don't worry about it.

Thank you for the brochure, I'm gonna take a look at it right now.

No, don't take a look at it. Read it.

I'm gonna... Yeah, I'm gonna read it, of course.

Thank you so much, Dr. Fishman.

Hey, Dr. P, you're mad lonely, right?

Oh, yeah, why?

I wanna set you up I wanna set you up, up

Hey!

With my best friend, Abby.

Oh, cool. So what's wrong with her?

She's been looking for a strong-ass man. But is now lowering her standards

and I think you'd be perfect. We're like twins.

Twins, huh? Okay. I gotta hit the gym then.

Steal me some soap.

Yeah!

Evening.

My boyfriend, Daniel Castellano, made a reservation

for Laffaboutit, "A night of New York's best Italian-American comedy."

Uh-huh. Oh, great.

My wife's cooking's so bad, I begged the dog for his scraps.

Oh, no! Look, look. J. Lo's texting during my set?

Hey! Hey, J. Lo! Who ya texting, Ben Affleck?

Actually, sir, uh, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck broke up years ago.

Oh, well, good for her.

And I'll tell you something else, I got...

What could be more compelling than my set, huh? No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, she's fighting with her boyfriend, everybody.

Okay. And he ditched her for being chronically late.

Oh!

Maybe she should take a hike! Oh!

Take a hike! Take a hike! Take a hike! Take a hike!

You know what? Do you know what?

I will leave. But I will never hike.

Hah! Take a hike! Take a hike!

Hello, hello, hello.

Have any beautiful women of color checked in tonight?

Mmm-mmm.

Blind date, huh?

Uh, yeah. I'm a little nervous.

What's your date's name?

Abby. My name is Abby.

Oh, the Abby that I'm meeting is actually, um, like, really tall,

gorgeous and, for lack of a better word, African American.

Oh, well, I'm meeting a doctor.

Uh-huh. Uh, who looks like Meat Loaf.

Oh! Or it might have been a meatloaf, I'm not sure.

My friend Tamra wasn't really clear.

Tamra, huh?

Well, uh, what do you do?

Oh, I write historical romance novels.

Oh, that's cool. Yeah.

I love to read. Oh!

Well, uh, you should give romance novels a try. Mmm.

I mean, it's basically pornography you're allowed to read on the subway. So...

Oh, dang it. I'm getting a text.

Looks like a patient's going into labor and there's no father.

So the taxi cab driver is kinda the surrogate now. So, I feel like I should...

I'm sorry. Are you describing Look Who's Talking?

Ah, it's similar. Oh.

This is why you don't wanna date me, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, it was good to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Yeah.

Unbelievable. 9:13. Even after last night, you're still late.

I'm giving you the silent treatment, by the way.

That's why I walked right by you and didn't respond!

Hey, hey. No one silent treatments me.

Oh, good, good, everyone's in here.

I was worried we'd have a private conversation for once.

You're welcome, Dr. Q!

Is it a conversation, Danny? Because it feels a lot more like a lecture.

And not the good kind where I end up stalking the professor at the end.

All I'm saying is, you're never late for a delivery or a hospital emergency.

But, but a movie? A movie? And suddenly, it's like I asked you

to cut off your arm or throw away your own trash.

Because delivering a baby into this world is as important

as meeting my boyfriend for a stupid movie.

You and I do the same job, I get everywhere on time.

Yeah, 'cause you're a guy.

I can't just deliver a baby, throw some talc on my private parts

and be somewhere three minutes later! I gotta shower, my friend.

I gotta shave this hot body from ankles to eyebrows.

Also, I have to highlight and contour everything,

just so that you'll have sex with me. I'm basically CGI.

Right and you're forgetting the most important part, Dr. L, CPT.

Thank you, Tamra. That's right, Colored People Time.

Whoa! No, no, no, no, no.

I meant, CPT, Caramel Princess Time.

When you're as cute as we are, people wait for you.

I wanna believe you. It does sounds like a huge load of crap.

I'm not saying "no," I just need you to continue explaining.

No, this is all nonsense, okay? There's no CPT.

You're either on time or you're late.

Ooh! Maybe if you were late just once,

you would realize it wasn't a big deal.

Oh, yeah? Well, that's never gonna happen, sweetheart.

I'm never gonna be late.

Watch and learn.

Hmm.

- We need to talk to you. - Ow! Hey! Calm down!

Get on in there with your stupid messenger bag.

Take it easy! Shameful. How could you ditch Abby, man?

She's the complete package. Head, shoulders, knees, toes.

Knees and toes, she's got it all.

I'm sorry! I was just expecting someone who was more of a match physically.

A match physically? You said twins!

Who do you think you are?

What, you think Natalie Portman is sitting in her castle, like,

"Oh, I wonder if there are any schlubs out there who wear a bathing suit as underwear"?

Natalie Portman would throw up if she saw you.

You need to go apologize to Abby.

She'll be at the bookstore tomorrow. What are you gonna be doing?

Eating pretzels off the floor? Yeah, I saw it!

Fine, I'll go.

Psst! Danny, are you awake?

Hey, Danny, I think Rudy Giuliani's a clown.

Good night, sweet prince. Honk.

Hey, Min! Hey. Hey.

What's going on? You're up early. Wow. Hey.

Why don't you come upstairs, my little early bird, and get the worm?

Oh! That's a super-sexy offer, but it's 8:40.

Aren't you worried about being late to work?

8:40? What are you talking about? No. Yeah.

It's 7:40. Oh, really?

You tinkered with my digital? Why would you do that?

Why would you do that to me? Betrayal!

Oh, boo-hoo. You know what betrayal was?

When you ditched me at that comedy club.

The guy told me to take a hike. The audience loved it.

Now he wants me to go on tour with him!

Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll just tell everyone at work that you're running late!

Bye, my love. Step on it.

Open the door. Open the door. Don't take off!

Taxi! Taxi! I'm not gonna be late. I'm not.

So, I have to apologize to a girl,

which is something I've literally never done before.

Mmm-hmm. Is Danny in?

Oh, Danny. Danny is not in because... Everyone, I have an announcement.

Danny Castellano will be late today.

I made it! I made it.

Danny Castellano is on time!

8:59, I made it! In your face, Lahiri!

Honk!

Can't make me late. Take a hike! Boom!

Take another one. Boom! Boom, boom!

Take a hike, boom! Morgan, take a hike! Boom!

Boom! Michael Jackson! Ah! Boom, boom, boom!

Dr. Fishman.

Go talk in my office? Yeah, let's talk in my office.

Your emotional issues are out of control.

And I insist that you take that mental health seminar tomorrow.

Okay. As much as I don't want to, I also can't.

Saturdays, that's when I take my ma to run all her errands.

Hmm, here's the thing.

Until you complete the seminar,

you are suspended from seeing patients in my hospital.

Get into that.

I'd rather not get into that.

Well, take the course at your leisure,

whenever you find time to fit it into your busy schedule. Hmm?

It takes place in this building.

In this building? Who administers the course?

Only the most kind, dynamic, spiritual man I know.

Oh, no.

I've longed for this day, Daniel. The day I can finally fix you.

Hey, babe.

You. I can't even look at you.

Delorea hugged me on the way out and I accidentally kissed him on the ear.

Oh, God. Danny, I'm so sorry.

This can't be worse than the time that I shredded your passport for confetti, is it?

Oh, yeah. It's much worse, okay?

I'm supposed to take Ma to all her appointments on Saturday.

Without me, she won't go! A parent of divorce needs routine, Mindy.

They need routine. I know.

Well, you were just running errands and she was gonna get her hair done, right?

Yeah. I could take her. I love beauty shops.

Please. Please let me make it up to you, Danny. I feel so bad.

You literally have no other options.

Whoa. What, is the dude that wrote Harry Potter here?

No. We're here for Abby Berman.

Berman.

"Savannah unbuttoned Edmund's uniform trousers.

"Edmund LaRouge, I do believe we can take Maryland with this saber. "

This is good.

"He don't deserve a burial! He's a Yankee! ' Savannah hissed.

"Edmund shook his head, He may have been a Yankee, but he was still a man."

Yeah.

Hey, are you gonna buy that?

Abby, your book is so good!

Yeah, I know. Did you come here to tell me that?

Actually, I came here to apologize.

But I've been reading your book, and you have all these fans.

And I don't wanna apologize. I'd like to go out again!

You ditched me because you didn't like the way I looked.

I know.

Listen. You're a jerk.

Yeah. Yeah, no, you're right about that.

Paul?

Hey.

How'd you get dragged out of the blood lab for this?

I'll tell you when I figure it out.

Nowadays you fart too loud and you gotta go to counseling.

Yeah. Tell me about it, brother.

All right, everyone. Oh, Daniel. Let's get started.

Thank you, welcome and, of course, namaste.

I am overjoyed that you've decided to share your time with me today.

I didn't realize we had a choice.

Well, we always have a choice, Daniel. Does that follow?

Yeah, Danny, does that follow?

That's humorous, gentlemen.

Paul, would you care to share the choice that resulted in your attendance here today?

Yeah, I got nothing to hide.

I've been stealing blood from the hospital for my own personal use.

Wait, what?

Okay, you think that's bad, my female boss is in love with me!

Oh, Morgan. What the hell are you doing here?

Also, I'm addicted to cookies. My name's Morgan.

Daniel, are you feeling safe enough to share why you're here today?

Wait. What? No. No, I'm not feeling safe enough.

Don't lump me in with these freaks. Okay? I'm a normal. Pass.

Well, you're free to go any time. I won't stand in your way.

All right. See you later, Paul.

I am, however, going to give you an incomplete

and recommend further mental evaluation.

You gotta be kidding me.

Namaste.

Hey. Annette, do you need any help in there?

Help? How old do you think I am?

We're not that different in age, you know.

Um, you are the oldest person I know's mother, so that's obviously not true.

Okay, all right, you know, just take your time.

Ah, hello, Dot.

It's so nice that you can join us on our errands.

I could drive us if they hadn't taken my license away.

I ran over my neighbor's basset hound, big whoop.

Call me when it's a person.

Okay, well...

God, I don't know why Danny gave us an hour to get to the hair salon.

It's only five minutes away.

Oh, my goodness. Dot, will you look at us? Twins!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God. What are the chances of that happening?

Yes, that is remarkable. Oh, you look great!

Hey, we should head out. Come on.

No, no. Mindy, take a picture. Oh, yeah!

You gotta capture this and email it to me

and then print out the email and hand it to me.

Yeah. Let's do it. Okay. Ready?

One, two, three.

Cheese! Cheese!

Got it. Let's go. Come on, guys.

Oh, no. I gotta go change.

Be right back. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you were gonna change, okay.

Please look into your partner's eyes and repeat after me.

"I support you."

I support you.

No way. Brendan, he's not doing it.

Daniel, I've given you a pass so far, but your participation is now required

for the class to continue.

Fine. Whatever. I support him.

I think I'm cured.

Okay. Now, "I love and care for you."

I want to make love and care for you.

Okay, come on! Brendan, he's not helping me.

You wanna switch partners? My lady hates me.

No. Look. I love and care for you.

Thank you. I felt nothing.

Because I didn't mean it. Okay? I didn't mean it.

You're weird, okay? You're weird, Morgan. The whole thing is weird.

You wanna stop acting crazy?

Eat lean protein and exercise 10 times a week like a normal person.

Okay, I can see now that this sort of group therapy is too basic

for someone as closed-off as you.

So basic.

I'm gonna work on you now, one-on-one.

All right, you got your hair done. It's mammogram time.

Even though we are an hour late. Come on. Come on.

And I don't even know how I feel about this hairstyle that you made me get.

This is the only time you ever looked pretty.

Mindy, you're late. I can't see her.

Carolyn, I am so sorry. But you have to understand.

It took them forever to leave the house.

Then we went to the hair salon, they made me get this Dixie Carter hairstyle.

The point is, this woman needs to get a mammogram.

I promised my boyfriend. Please.

I'd love to, but I'm on my way to cardio barre.

Are you kidding me with this, Carolyn?

I picked you up off the floor of that conference after you had 1,000 margaritas.

You are not gonna play that card.

I will play that card.

Oh, my God. Fine. I'll do it.

Thank you.

Hey. How's Dr. Prentice? He never called.

Peter? Oh, God. Okay, well you dodged a bullet with that one.

What? Thank you. I'm sorry that I had to blackmail you.

Whatever. Okay.

Well, you just witnessed the classic Mindy Lahiri charm.

That's how I got my freshman year RA to kiss me, even though he was gay. So...

Well, we've just been talking, and I don't wanna go anymore.

It's too late. And I'm too tired.

Excuse me?

I heard that those mammogram machines actually give you cancer.

That's right.

I think Jenny McCarthy said that on The View.

Oh, well, there you go. Why would she say something like that if it wasn't true?

Hey, I'm gonna kill you guys. I'm serious.

You two bozos are the most inconsiderate people that I have ever met.

You're late for everything, you don't care about anybody's time but your own.

I can't believe it. I simply can't believe it. It is appalling.

No wonder Danny is such a tight-ass.

Okay, you're gonna go with me.

What are you doing? Hey, look at me.

You're gonna go in there. You're gonna take your shirt off

and you're gonna get your mammogram.

We're ready to go.

So your particular episode was the result of a fight

between you and your girlfriend who, full disclosure, class,

I've made love to on numerous occasions.

Why did that need to be said?

And the fight started simply because she was late

to which particular ethnic exploitation film?

The Godfather Part II.

Right. Well, if it's not Swedish, I'm not too familiar with it.

But, who cares? She's late and you miss the film. What's the big deal?

It's just principle. If you're late, it's disrespectful.

Yeah, I don't buy it. Why did this particular infraction

lead you to lash out?

Oh, come on, Delorea. I was just mad.

Well, what's the big deal? What's the worst that can happen?

My time is wasted, okay? I'm sitting out there in the cold.

I'm embarrassed. I feel foolish!

I don't buy it. What's the worst that could happen?

I don't know. Maybe she doesn't show up at all.

Why would she not show up?

Because it's happened before.

Keep going.

Fine, I... Maybe...

I was supposed to go see the Ghostbusters with my dad.

He told me he was gonna take me.

And maybe I just sat on my porch and I waited for him

all night long and he never showed up. And, maybe,

I walked to the theater by myself and the only tickets they had left was Amadeus.

I was supposed to see Egon and Slimer and Ray.

And instead I'm looking at F Murray Abraham's face!

No kid should have to look at that thing close up.

I mean, if you love someone, if you really love someone,

why would you keep them waiting?

Why would you keep them waiting?

Okay, I think there's more. Keep going.

No. That's it! That's bedrock!

No. Tell me about the priest. There has to be a priest.

What priest?

I think my problem is I like stealing the blood.

Okay, not now, Paul.

Okay, this is my ma. I gotta go.

Oh, the priest and the mother. We have hit pay dirt.

Save that for next session. But for now, I am proud of you.

Hope, faith...

Peter, what are you doing here?

Hello. I've written a story I'd like to read to you all.

It's called A Titanic Mistake, a Sunken Romance.

Can you guess where it takes place?

The Titanic? It's on the Titanic.

"Chapter One. Dr. Peter Prentice was an expert in medicine,

"but a novice in love. Until he met Abby."

Are you hooked?

Um, just keep reading.

"The old captain said,

"Ar! Have ya ever heard that women are like that iceberg over there?"

"The most important part is under the surface."

"Peter replied, stupidly, I say, ignore it. We'll be fine."

"Crash!"

That's not historically accurate.

Hey, I'm sorry. Were you there, John Waters?

Maybe just skip forward a little bit. I'm sorry.

"And propelled by love, and the dolphins..." Set up in chapter three.

You remember the dolphins? Mmm-hmm.

You remember when I said the dolphins? "They swam to safety." The end.

Well, that was terrible.

But I, I kinda liked it.

Yeah? Yeah.

You wanna go on another date?

Okay, sure.

Great. You know, this was kinda fun. I think I'll come back next week.

Oh, no, you can never return.

Okay, no problem. Bye, new friends.

You think you outsmarted me?

I'm not going anywhere.

Hey. Who're you talking to?

I've been locked out.

The old Castellano lock-out, huh? Yeah. I spent a lot of nights on this porch.

Hey, I need to apologize to you.

You're not some crusty, old tyrant who enjoys yelling at me.

You have to be this way because you were raised

by a bunch of thoughtless spaghetti heads...

Shh! ...who have no consideration for anyone else's time.

Don't say spaghetti heads.

I'm sorry I called them spaghetti heads.

I heard someone say it on a Nick at Nite show. Is it offensive?

Yes, it is, but I, I appreciate it.

Okay.

I... Also, I think I...

Sometimes I overreact to you being late...

Because of some stuff with my dad.

Oh.

I would like to press further for details, but I won't.

Thank you.

Anyway, I am very sorry and I will never be late again.

I mean, I'm gonna really try not to be.

Come here.

I like you on a Staten Island porch.

I would rather die.

We need to go inside.

I have to apologize to your mom, and to Dot for some reason.

Okay. I'm really liking that hair.

It's doing it for me right now. You look like my aunt.

What? What's wrong with you spaghetti heads? Stop saying spaghetti heads.

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