Original subtitles

I think that was the best wedding I've ever been to.

The bride was older than me and she weighed more than me.

Did you notice that?

I still don't think we should've brought a gift to a second wedding, you know.

It's rewarding failure.

Okay.

Oh, no. Oh, for Pete's sake.

This is why I should have driven.

You had four drinks.

Yeah, but drunk me is safer than sober you.

Relax. I've been pulled over 100 times

and I've never once gotten a ticket.

How?

The way I get out of everything, lying and crying.

Okay, fine.

Officer, the reason we were speeding

is because we were rushing away from this devastating funeral

of a very close friend of ours who died.

And the funeral had a photo booth with prop moustaches?

You know what, just give me a ticket.

Stop it. I can't have a baby.

Calm down. Look, look, look, look, calm down.

I'll cut you a break. I'll cut you a break.

Really?

You remind me of the demented aunt that raised me.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Drive safe.

Thank you again. You're such a good guy.

And that is how it's done. You're going to hell.

After that little performance, don't you think I deserve a reward?

Oh, my God.

Whoa, Nellie.

Ma'am, you've been parked on the turnpike for 15 minutes.

Sir, what's that around your neck?

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My frat buddy, Pube, is dead.

What? He's dead to me.

Because his dad is dead

and he's got to go to the funeral,

making him unavailable to be my partner

at the Dartmouth alumni beer-pong tournament.

I could be your partner.

I'm basically a frat guy.

You know why? 'Cause I love drinking and I hate nerds.

Bop. I'm cool.

No, he's cool. It was funny 'cause, like, it's so not true.

Thank you, but there's no chicks allowed.

Plus, I need a partner that's really good

to beat last year's champion, Shonda Rhimes, class of '91.

Wait, I thought you just said that no chicks were allowed.

Yeah, but she's successful like a man.

Oh, no. We're supposed to be meeting the new department chief

at the hospital right now.

I told Jeremy if he ever wants me to go anywhere,

he has to trick me

into believing that Pharrell is doing a meet-and-greet.

Holy moly! Come on. Let's go, babe. Peter!

Now that I've described my vision for the hospital,

a little about me.

Dr. Jean Fishman, formerly of Mass General,

where I ran a very tight ship.

- But I'm not here to make friends. - Excuse me.

No, no, no. I am here to make babies.

Sorry.

I'm so glad you guys could make it.

I hope it wasn't too much trouble. Oh, relax.

We're like the first people here.

Mmm. Almost 16 minutes late.

You're lucky I don't know what practice you're from.

Oh, we work at Shulman and Associates,

established in 2003, a safe place for women.

May I continue?

Of course. It's weird I'm talking at all.

Shut up.

As I was saying...

There are certain reforms...

Ow... ...that I want to put in place immediately...

What the hell is that?

That's my... That's my phone.

I'm just going to turn it off.

Just hold this please.

Good thing it's a good song though, right?

Okay. I'm just, I'm just...

There's just too much in here.

There's just too much in here, so I think the best thing to do

is probably just let it run its course.

Please continue.

Kudos, Mindy.

You've really done it this time.

I just received the new hospital schedule

and Dr. Fishman has given us the graveyard slot

for all our procedures.

Oh, no. I can't do a C-section at 11:00 p.m. On a Sunday

with a gutful of Ma's lasagn.

We need to fix this, partners.

Ideas please. Come on. I have an idea.

A sincere apology

and a promise to do better.

I'm sorry. What are you doing here, buddy?

Oh, he's shadowing me.

It's legit. It's legit? Like how?

Look, I can't help but feel partly responsible for this.

Because it's your... Because it's your fault.

That's probably why.

- It's 100% on your shoulders. - It's your fault.

Okay, you don't all have to gang up against me, all right?

That's actually against the law. Leave her alone.

Thank you. Okay, so what are we going to do?

I think I have a pretty great idea.

I'm going to take Dr. Fishman out for a night on the town.

What? Girls love me.

We'll gab. We'll hang out at the spa.

I'll tell her she's hot. She'll tell me I'm hotter.

Boom-shacka-lacka. We're best friends.

What do you think? It's not a bad idea.

It's a good idea.

- Mindy? - Oh, God.

Have you learnt nothing?

Oh, my God. That is me.

Hey!

Dr. Fishman! I didn't say come in.

It's... It's cool.

This is a great office.

What do you want?

I brought you this apology cactus.

Because you think I'm prickly?

No. Cactuses might seem prickly,

but really, deep down,

they're little gentle creatures. Ow!

Stupid bitch!

God.

Ugh! Do you have, like, a Band-Aid?

Listen, if you think that cactus is going to get you a better schedule, forget it.

Okay. Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot

and that's a real shame.

Because you and I, we're just two cool women

trying to make our way in this

female-dominated industry.

What do you want from me?

Other than what you obviously want from me.

I don't know.

I just want to get to know you better.

You seem cool, you're new to town,

and I was named "New York's It-Girl"

by a magazine that I made at the carnival.

Hmm, well, it's true I don't know New York that well.

I've been spending every night at the Statue of Liberty

because I assume that's what people do.

What'd you have in mind?

I have no idea, because I did not think I would get this far.

But it is going to blow your mind.

It's going to be, like, 1,000 times better than this cactus.

So wear comfy clothes, don't bring any cash,

'cause I got you covered.

And, uh, yeah, it's gonna be awesome.

Love you. I mean, I will grow to love you

and you will grow to love me.

Okay, we're going to start nice and easy.

Lemons in a bucket. Oh, yeah.

It's all about touch.

Ooh! See?

Got it. Watch this, all about touch.

That was, like, a lot of touch.

Have you ever thrown anything before?

Yeah, man.

I mean, I've dropped stuff.

Peter, I know we've had our fair share of ups and downs

since I started dating Lauren,

but I could be your beer-pong partner.

I actually have amazing aim.

As a child, it was my job to put ice in Father's drink

and if I got to close,

he would swat at me.

Okay, Oliver. These stories are getting so...

Oh. Okay, you know, it's not about making it.

It's about technique.

All right, already.

Clearly, you have an affinity for throwing small objects into small glasses.

Peter, we used to be such good chums.

We did used to share a work toothbrush.

We did? Yeah, we all did.

We did? MORGAN: Okay, okay, okay. Watch this.

I sink this, you and I are partners.

Hot stuff...

So I guess we're partnered up.

Great. Another activity I'm excluded from.

Well, this is me.

Whoa! Swank.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I really had a good time, even when you tried to dance with those kids on the subway.

Yeah, they really hated it.

They hated it. Hurt my feelings actually.

We gotta do this again soon, though.

Cool.

Oh.

Hmm, a beetle.

Uh, thanks.

It means good luck.

Mindy! Amazing news.

Jean has taken us off the graveyard shift. Thank you so much.

I'm so happy that it worked out.

In other news, I think I'm gay.

What? Well, of course he's gay.

He's dating Dr. C.

Mindy, you're not gay.

You asked me to help you mail yourself to Chris Hemsworth.

Yeah, well, last night,

Dr. Fishman kissed me on the mouth.

Wait, what?

Danny, I'm so sorry. It didn't mean anything.

Did you like it? Danny Castellano!

It's okay if you did. No, you perv.

So what? So you had a gay experience.

We all have gay experiences.

Yeah, I once kissed my cousin Sheena to get invited onto Air Force Two.

Sure, and if I run across one of Richie's meat mags,

I flip through it, check out the competition.

Is that normal to do?

Yeah, you always want to make sure that you're stacking up.

All right, what did Jean say when you told her you were straight?

I didn't tell her.

And now, Jean has a case of Mindy fever

and we all know there ain't no cure for that.

Wait a minute? You didn't tell her the truth?

And she won't tell her.

Okay, I can't go back to 3:00 a.m. Deliveries.

Mindy, can't you continue being a lesbian for the good of the group?

I could just be her friend platonically until she gets sick of me.

That usually happens really fast.

Mmm-hmm. Okay, you're all over the place.

Oh, my God. That's her.

Take care of this.

That's the ringtone you gave her? Yeah.

Oh, hello, Jean.

Dinner, tonight?

Yes, yes. No, no.

Yes. No.

I can't. 'Cause I have plans to stay home and catch up on my shaving.

No, no, no, no.

Why don't you come over?

- Yes. - No, she can't.

Um, yeah, I guess you could come over.

No, you can't. I don't know.

Like, bring a bottle of wine and we could, like, curl up by the fire.

Oh, my God. Bye.

She's done this before.

Did you just say, "Curl up by the fire?"

That snowballed rather quickly.

Well, what do you think?

Do I look like a beer-pong champion?

First off, never twirl again.

Right. Secondly, I kind of like it.

You look normal.

Thank you.

I even pre-gamed as you recommended.

Very subtle Pinot Grigio.

Oh, that reminds me.

You need a whole new personality

and a nickname.

I played Ophelia in boarding school.

Barf.

Your name is Barf.

This is Sloppy Seconds.

This is Al Bundy.

This is Ted Bundy.

My friend, MLK. Hey, what's up, Lefty?

Yo, Crotch Rot. Look who's here.

- Hey, Lefty! What's happening? - How are you?

Why is your nickname Lefty?

Oh, I sprained my wrist

as a freshman when I was yanking it

and that story kind of went viral through campus, so it's like...

Hey, Lefty! Remember me?

Andrew Freeman. Class of '97.

CEO of Sploderz pornographic website.

That's right. These are the guys who put Mindy's sex tape online.

How's everything at my dream job?

Never better. In fact, the profits are allowing us

to give back through our charity that parachutes porn into North Korea.

Operation Piyong Bang.

Do you get it?

Zachary Freeman.

I don't believe we have met.

You here for the tournament? Oh, um...

My buddy doesn't. He's kind of quiet.

Hey, dudes.

Barf's the name. Beer-pong's my game.

Okay, bro. I love that. What frat? All right.

Please. Is there more than one?

Sigma Nu?

Yeah. Oh.

Yeah, that is the one.

That is the one. Me too.

Don't think I remember you, though, bro.

Oh, um...

I had to take three years off.

Sexual harassment thing.

Yeah.

I think I was at a fundraiser for your defense.

It was the Booze Cruise that capsized.

Oh, that was a great party.

Wah-hoo-wah!

Wah-hoo-wah!

Okay, okay.

All right. Lefty, Barf, great to see you guys.

Good luck in the tournament. Thanks, guys.

Thanks, man. Let's see your brews on the ice.

Yeah. Okay.

Hey, Lefty, grab me a brewski.

Gotta hit the can.

Danny, I am having trouble finding a dress that I don't look tempting in.

Hey. Woo.

Okay, you're flirting with your reflection again. Cut it out.

I don't think you should hang out with Jean tonight.

You have to face the consequences now, okay?

It's better to do that than to keep up this lie.

Look what happened with Cliff.

Danny, I hate facing consequences.

That's why I haven't opened my mail in, like, two years.

Yeah, I know you love your little white lies,

but it's one thing to hole-punch your own frequent yogurt card.

It's another thing to mess with someone's heart.

Fine, I will tell the truth.

But I am never coming clean about my looting during Sandy.

Good, now get out of that dress

and put on that ugly sweatsuit I keep throwing out.

Let's go set the record straight.

Fine.

If Lefty sinks this shot,

he'll unseat reigning champ Shonda Rhimes

and move into the finals.

Sink it, dude. Sink it for America.

For the troops! For freedom! I got it.

Oh!

Oh, yeah! What's up, Shonda?

Oh! Oh!

Am I the new mayor of Shondaland?

Great game, Lefty. You still got it.

Oh, my God, Shonda Rhimes.

I am obsessed with... Dude?

'Sup? I'm Barf.

Scandal's my jam.

Thanks. You know, writing's how I pay the bills,

but my passion is beer-pong.

Naturally.

Lefty, I heard your good news.

You're dating that brain surgeon?

Oh, uh, pfft, Lauren?

We're not actually together anymore.

But it's okay. I mean, I hardly even cry about her in the tub.

She left your hairy ass.

Didn't she, Lefty?

Oh, it happened again?

You know, this time we broke up mutually, so...

Oh, man, I called it!

Classic Lefty!

Lefty! Lefty!

Lefty! Lefty! Lefty!

Classic Lefty!

- Shonda. - Lefty! Lefty!

You know, I wrote a TV pilot about him once.

Network said it was too sad.

Hey, Jean. I need to talk to you about last night.

I'm kind of busy. Can we talk about it later?

No, no. Actually, I need to get this off of my chest.

Look, you're an amazing kisser.

You have the softness of a woman but the strength of a man.

I was actually thinking about it later in the bath and I...

The problem is I'm straight.

And I'm sorry if I led you on.

Wow.

In retrospect I could see how our nude couples massage

would have confused you.

Or when I asked you to check my breasts

to make sure that they were symmetrical.

What? But mostly, I regret that I let you kiss me.

What?

You kissed her?

Excuse me, sir. We're in the middle of something so give us a second.

Oh, excuse me. I'm a woman and that's my wife.

- All right. - Deborah!

Deb-Deb, calm down! Ladies? Ladies?

I can't believe that you have been keeping this

little butch and her girlfriend on the side.

Excuse me? I am not butch.

I'm a lipstick lesbian.

I mean, I'm a straight woman.

She's straight. What? Here's the deal. Okay?

I'm a masculine woman and this is an effeminate man.

What? The lips, the lashes,

it's a little much, I know. But he's a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man and that's my girlfriend.

Let's all just relax here, okay?

She is definitely straight.

She doesn't do all the things that straight girls do, but she's straight.

Okay, you're very well taken care of.

I'm sorry, Deborah, that this happened.

Deb-Deb, if she had mentioned you but once in our 5-hour date,

I wouldn't have let her kiss me.

God!

Deb-Deb!

I am going to redo that schedule and you will never see the sun again.

That is why telling the truth sucks.

Oh, there you are.

Would you burp me?

Can you please leave Beth and I alone?

Is this about the Lefty thing?

It's just a nickname, buddy.

Like when Father calls me "not mine." Who knows what it means?

Do you know why they call me Lefty?

Because every girl I love always leaves me.

And they always leave me for one of my friends.

Does that sound familiar to you, Dr. Reed?

Well, why did you invite me then?

Because I want to win.

I don't want to be known as just a dumped chump.

Maybe it's time you stopped the pity party

and started the Peter party.

I do love alliteration.

Okay. It's time for you to lead us to victory.

Let's go. All right, let's do it.

Oh, thank you.

I saw that burp.

It's still... I just walked through it.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Silence, please.

The cup that could make or break a dream.

If he sinks this, it's all over.

What's up! What's up!

What a mess.

Danny, this is your fault.

You were the one that told me to tell the truth.

Well, you shouldn't have lied in the first place.

That's true.

Okay, you know what? I'm going to call her.

Hello, Jean. It's Mindy.

What do you want?

I just wanted to say that I am sorry

and this is all my fault. You can punish me,

but just don't punish the others.

Don't tell me what to do.

I will punish whoever I want.

Deborah is furious.

She is so angry.

She's turned the dogs against me.

Shoo! Well, you know,

Danny's not thrilled with me either.

Don't you dare compare our situations.

My Deb-Deb is thinking about leaving me.

And it's all your fault. Oh, she is.

Okay, well, Danny is so upset as well.

Very upset.

He said he might kill himself. What?

What?

It is. It's really... He's going crazy.

He's ranting. I mean, I don't even know what I'm going to do.

So, you think that we're even, then?

You stay calm.

You keep him calm and we will be right there.

You're coming over? Oh.

Mindy?

Hey, I need to be completely honest with you right now.

I need you to lie for me.

Big time.

Why would you tell Jean that?

I would never kill myself.

In Catholicism, that's almost as bad as masturbating.

How... Danny, can't you just pretend?

Okay? It's just a little drama.

Act like I do when I find out a celebrity is younger than me.

No.

Danny, everything that I have done has made this worse.

I need your help.

I'm not doing it, okay?

I'm not doing it. I'm not like you.

I don't do drama. I can't lie.

Just tell them the truth. That's all you have to...

Please.

Go do it.

Okay. I'm coming.

Where is he?

Oh, my God. We're too late.

Oh, no, no, no.

That was me. I just threw a dirty dish out the window

'cause I didn't want to deal it.

Danny is in his bedroom. He's fine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Danny is fine?

What is going on here?

Mindy, if you made this up,

you and your entire practice will need to find a new hospital.

Oh, God.

I have to come clean to you,

but you have to promise me that you will not take this out on the people that I love.

I should have done this a long time ago.

The truth is that Danny...

Danny's over here.

Danny?

Oh, how dare you, Mindy?

Mindy Lahiri.

How dare you bring her to this house?

To our... To our house?

I see. Oh, the three of you?

Don't let me stop you, okay?

Go right in there. There's a bed right in there.

Get your biscuit. Nobody wants a biscuit.

Nobody wants it?

Every night,

I wait for her to come home

and I just cry.

I cry myself to sleep.

Why God?

Why have you done this to me?

I go to church,

and I... I take my cuff links off

and I...

I will go to the Statue of Liberty and...

I don't... I don't even understand.

I don't... Do it better. Do it...

Be a better person, he means, like be a better person.

I have Mindy fever.

You got it, too, right?

And we all know there ain't no cure for that.

You know what? I gave my virginity to this woman.

Danny! What?

It was just a kiss!

Hardly worth ending a relationship over.

- Just a kiss? - Yeah.

Ex-squeeze me? Ex-squeeze me?

I can't have a baby!

Gentlemen and Shonda Rhimes,

your 2014 Dartmouth alumni beer-pong champions,

Barf and Lefty.

Yeah!

Lefty! Lefty!

Lefty! Lefty!

All right, dudes, bros.

Now, doesn't this man deserve a better name than Lefty?

I'm begging you don't do this, man.

Okay, he has, he has so many other qualities

worthy of a nickname.

He's a doctor.

Doc.

We're at Dartmouth.

There are a lot of people that are doctors here.

No? You know, he's uncircumcised.

Turtleneck? Same thing. We're at Dartmouth.

And now, he's a straight up beer-pong champion.

So what do you say we let Lefty choose a new name?

What's your name, Lefty?

Um...

Diarrhea? Wait!

Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

Diarrhea!

Diarrhea!

Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

Danny, it's important to forgive.

I'm going to forgive Jean.

Deb-Deb.

I am. Even though she gave into Mindy's gross predatorial advances.

Okay. Yeah.

I am also going to join you on this forgiveness train. Yeah.

And I'm going to forgive Mindy

under the following conditions.

Oh. What now?

She has to help me build my Adirondack chairs.

And she also has to cook me a nice dinner every night for a month.

Okay. Now I'm suicidal.

And every once in a while she's got to wake me up with a...

Okay, in your dreams, Bozo.

Come on, that's reasonable.

Well...

Okay.

Yes. I will do the thing I hate the most to you.

That's good. That's love. That's love.

I think we should go. Thanks for stopping by, guys.

Yeah. All right.

We still have a lot to discuss.

Okay. What a great night.

- Bye, Danny. Bye-bye now.

That is how it's done.

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