Original subtitles

It's pretty amazing that in the most romantic city in the world,

I just happen to have found the most romantic boyfriend in the world.

And every date is full of surprises!

Damn it! How can something as disgusting as an apple

make something as delicious as apple pie?

Mindy, I have something really important to ask you.

Oh, my God. It's happening.

Would you like some more apple pie?

That's even better than what I thought you were gonna ask!

Come here. Mmm... Yeah. I knew you'd like it.

Hey. Hey.

Oh, my God. Danny. I love it.

Yeah? Mmm.

Did you also happen to remember my nose hair trimmer?

I love you. I love you.

I'll be out in 20. Okay.

But, perhaps most surprising, not all surprises are equally romantic.

- Oh. - Oh.

Oh, my God, Danny, this is heaven!

Wait, Danny. Danny! That doesn't go there. Oh, my God. Danny!

I slipped.

Ripped By mstoll

Why is it so hard to believe me?

Because slipping is like, "Whoa-whoa-whoa, what happened?"

Not, "Whoa-whoa-whoa... Oh, yeah!"

Okay. You're twisting my sounds. Besides, you weren't where I was.

Okay? You didn't see how it all went down.

Danny, this is not Benghazi! Well, sure feels like it!

I never thought I'd sympathize with Hillary about anything.

Who is Hillary? Sometimes I feel like you're just making these people up!

Okay. So you're innocent? You had no intent?

Of course no intent!

I'm Catholic! Even if I think about that...

They promote you to cardinal. Hey! Hey!

That is all over. It's over. Pope Frank is on the case. He...

Morgan, uh... We're just in the middle of a conversation right now.

Okay, then these cobwebs can just clean themselves.

Get out of here. We're having a private conversation.

Thank you. Thank you. Can we please just go talk about this in your office? Please?

I don't know, Danny. Because my office only has one entrance.

And I don't think that's enough for you anymore.

What?

I was just walking to the subway and this scout was like,

"Girl, you should model." And I'm like, "I already have a job."

That's so weird, the same thing happened to me.

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

Dr. Reed, if you think you're about to sit over here and eat breakfast with us,

and share our weekend stories, you got another think coming.

You're not still mad at me for dating Lauren, are you?

You mean stealing Lauren? Sorry,

I'm hash tag Team Peter. Uh-huh. The whole office is hash tag Team Peter.

And we got merch, we got a website,

we have a mascot. It's... I'm glad to see hash tag Team Peter is assembled.

Oh, God. I am furious.

Last night I graduated from nurse practitioner school, none of you came.

It was sad as hell.

Morgan bought an extra wheel of brie just for you, Dr. L!

Oh, that's so nice. It really set me back.

Can I still have it? All that's left is the crust.

Put it in my office. Morgan, I'm sorry I didn't go.

It's just that Danny and I had a date last night.

You've changed. You always promised me you'd never be one of those girls

who ditches their best friend the minute they get a boyfriend.

I would never promise that.

All I've wanted in my life is to abandon all my friends for a boyfriend.

Calm down, sorry. Morgan? I'm sorry that I could not attend.

But in my defense, I thought that he was gonna be there.

Well, I didn't come 'cause I thought he was gonna be there.

Me too. That's my excuse too.

I'm really caught up in their beef.

You just said it was 'cause of your boyfriend.

No, it's... It's because of their emotional issues that I didn't go.

I felt uncomfortable. Great, and now the whole office hates me.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

I think it's because my heart has been ripped out through my ears

and there is blood spurting all over innocent Tamra.

That's not even scientifically sound and you know it!

Do you know what? It's fine, be Team Peter.

I don't need friends. I spent all of form three locked in a cupboard.

Excuse me.

Peter, you know a lot about skeevy guy stuff, right?

I do follow the Internet chat rooms until the government shuts them down.

Perfect, you're my most perverted friend.

Be honest with me. Have you ever been with a girl in bed...

And then... Accidentally slipped?

No. Danny's lying. What? Danny? I'm not talking about Danny.

No man in the history of time has ever been in bed

and quote, unquote, slipped and not been lying.

How do you know that? What's the most valuable thing in the world to you?

The thing that you treasure above all else?

My signed photo of Kris Jenner.

Do you ever not know exactly where that is or exactly what it's doing?

No, that thing's locked behind a plate glass in my...

That son of a...

Hey, Danny. Hey.

Hey. Wow.

Is that smile I see?

I thought I saw the last of those!

Well, I've been thinking about it.

And I really want to believe you.

Then believe me, just believe me.

I believe you all the time. I believe that you floss.

I believe that your gym is closed for a multi-year remodel.

That's sweet. Yeah.

You're sweet. Thanks.

Which is why I will believe you. Great.

If you swear to God that it was an accident.

Ah... Let's leave God out of this.

He doesn't know about us. I told him you were my assistant.

Okay, I'm gonna level with you.

Yeah, level away, pervert.

Okay, here goes.

My eyes have gotten bad.

Really bad. And in the dark, I...

I can't see anything. It's just a big... A big jumble of parts.

Danny, why didn't you just tell me?

Well, because you're always giving me a hard time about being old and...

If you go blind, I'm gonna get so fat.

It's not a big deal. Let's just forget about it and move past it.

If I don't see ever again, I don't see.

Oh, my sweet Danny.

We're gonna go to the ophthalmologist.

We're gonna go see Colin right now.

Now?

Fantastic news, Danny. You are not going blind.

Your eyes are fine.

Colin, as a doctor, I am gonna have to tell you that you are wrong.

And as an eye doctor, I have to tell you I am right.

Okay, okay, don't phone this in, man. Come on, let's... Let's do it again.

Danny, Mindy, I am so glad I stepped away from my son's second birthday

to wade into what is clearly a relationship issue.

I'm gonna go.

Colin! Colin, I'm so sorry. Sorry, Colin.

Did you know that it was Caleb's second birthday?

Do you think I wanna hurt Caleb? I love Caleb.

Okay, fine. You know what? You're right. I did it on purpose. I did.

I knew it, you stupid sneak!

Hey, stop! Stop! I assumed you'd done it before, okay?

What? Yeah.

You're always bragging about how you're so crazy in the sack.

I just assumed you'd done it before with your long list of companions.

Is that what you think of me?

That I'm just some like, gorgeous, high-class prostitute?

Look, I've seen your cable bill, all right?

You're not pay-per-viewing boxing matches!

I am sorry, that is anime pornography.

Which is a victimless crime.

The only victims are the animators, they pay them next to nothing in Korea.

What? Doesn't matter.

I will not be slut shamed in an ophthalmologist's office. I'm gonna leave.

What are you doing? I don't want you to get any ideas!

Oh, that's ridiculous. Mindy!

Oh, cookie dough. Please solve my problems.

Oh, Mindy. Stress eating cookie dough?

Was I right about Danny? Yes.

And the worst part is, Peter,

he thought it was something I had done thousands of times,

like jaywalking or lying under oath.

Is that what he thinks of me?

Well, I mean, all of your shorts do say "porn star" across the back.

But that's the problem. Look, I know that I talk this big talk.

But really I'm a prude.

A prude that slays dudes like whoa!

But still... Mmm-hmm.

Danny's so sexually experienced. He's been with a ton of women.

And I'm worried I'm boring in bed.

Is that a big problem? No, stop it. Not at all.

It's a huge problem.

I once broke up with the girl of my dreams

because my waterbed made her seasick.

I would break up with you for having a waterbed!

Look, Danny loves you, okay?

He just expects you to know everything because...

You're old. Hot as hell.

Well, there's plenty of other stuff you could do that I've seen online.

Awful, nasty, depraved stuff...

I could teach you.

If I wanted to have a hands-on sexual education, I'd go back to computer camp!

I meant I could talk you through it. Dispense my knowledge.

I will warn you though, my course is graded on a curve.

Man, that was so cool. Yeah.

Hello darkness, my old friend

I've come to talk with you again

Again, again, again

Oh, a person. Like in the picture.

I'm actually just waiting for everybody to leave.

I didn't want to run into Peter in the elevator and start a row.

Yeah. Now, it's just me and The Great American Songbook.

Way down upon the

Hush, hush, hush, stop, stop.

Swanee River, love

Dr. Reed, would you like to get something to eat with me tomorrow night?

You would have dinner with me?

Even though I'm the office pariah?

Nothing would make me happier. Oh, I know this great place.

The waitresses wear hockey jerseys and no pants.

That's so lovely, Morgan, I'll pick the place.

But I really appreciate you inviting me.

And now that I'm a nurse practitioner, it's also my treat.

Oh.

Just have to, uh, stop at the pawn shop on the way.

I'll pay.

Welcome to Peter Prentice's banging in bed booty camp.

For tonight's demonstration, I will be playing the part of Danny,

and the part of Mindy will be played by...

If you say CeeLo Green, I will kill you.

Brian the Skeleton. Oh, I get it.

'Cause I'm so skinny, I'm like a skeleton?

Yeah.

So, we'll start with the basics.

Just a little, "Have you ever."

Ooh.

Something like this, hmm? Of course.

Have you done this? No.

No.

No.

How is it even sexual? Okay.

Yeah? No.

I call this, "The Necktie."

Okay...

Let it drop, and then it's an ascot.

Oh, my God. What is that? It's called, "The Bagpipe."

Hmm...

Don't get scared, the hip is supposed to pop out.

Stop, stop, stop! I'm just gonna do the other thing that Danny wants to do.

If that's what you want and you think is empowering for feminist reasons...

I'm gonna do it. Because Danny is an amazing boyfriend

and I don't wanna lose him. So what if he wants to go to fifth base.

Maybe I'll love it. No, you won't.

Hey, buddy. Yo.

Cool glasses. Oh, thank you.

I got 'em at the Salvation Army. Oh.

About to throw 'em out. I said, "I'll take those."

So, I got you a little something something

for graduating and becoming a nurse practitioner.

The photo of you and your dad you keep on your desk?

Hmm. That's exactly what I wanted.

Thank you. Yeah.

Look at those two little rascals staring at me.

Hey, I am so sorry that I missed your graduation party.

It was a great party. I had three large pizzas.

Went down to the dock, no one showed up. The seagulls were happy.

I think I just got wrapped up with my boyfriend

and I forgot the relationship that's most important.

That of a casual work acquaintance.

Ah! Water under the bridge.

Tell me everything. Oh.

What have you been doing? Who have you been doing?

Um. My boyfriend, that I mentioned. Duh, my best friend.

You know I've always wanted to know, now that you're a nurse practitioner.

You can prescribe medicine, right? Oh, yeah.

Now I'm just another drug dealer for Uncle Sam.

Whatever happened to preventative medicine, am I right?

That's a great observation. Thank you.

I have a lot of them, but I don't even have a pen to write them down, so...

Hey, I need you to prescribe me something.

I'm about to do something that I cannot be awake for

but I also legally can't be asleep for.

So you're using me?

I gotta tell you, I expected more from my dogs' godmother.

Morgan, come on, help me. Okay? Ow.

If you knew what I was about to go through, you would understand.

You know I can't prescribe it for myself.

Okay. Fine.

I'll write you a prescription for a very strong sedative.

I take it whenever I have to do something scary.

Like watch a scary movie or if I hear a scary story.

Or, you know, et-kuh, et-kuh, et-kuh.

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera?

You can say it both ways. All right.

Hey. What ya watching?

The History Channel is counting down Hitler's Twenty Wackiest...

Whoa!

Why aren't you wearing your grandma's bathrobe?

I love Nana's bathrobe,

but, uh...

I thought you would probably like this a little bit better.

And you're such a good boyfriend, that I thought tonight

we could do things the way you like.

Scotch? Yeah, little scotch.

Okay.

You okay? Mmm... Yuck.

You know what goes really well with scotch?

Why don't we put on some the blues?

Blues? Mmm-hmm.

Okay. Sure, I'll put on blues. You always complain

you don't relate to their ethnic struggles.

I think you've probably gotten me confused with someone else,

because I have gone on record saying how much I love the blues.

My woman has gone and left me

I love that kind of stuff. Just like real complainy, like... It's good.

I like it better than Taylor Swift.

Ah, my ears!

What? Are... Loving it.

Okay, what's going on? What?

What? I love scotch and I love the blues. No, you don't.

You don't, what are you doing?

Wait, is this because of what I said in the eye doctor?

Look, I don't think you're one of these sexually freaky-deaky people.

I don't think you are, okay? The other night, yes, I got carried away.

The Giants won. I used my pizza stone.

You were wearing those sexy stockings.

My compression socks. The point is, we don't have to do that stuff.

Is it because you've done it with so many girls

and now it's boring to you and you wanna do something even weirder?

I will not let you pee on me. No.

That's not what I'm saying at all.

What I'm saying is when I'm with you, it's enough.

Cool. That's nice.

You know, we don't need all those, for lack of a better word, fireworks.

I mean, we are very, very, very, very comfortable together.

Like an old shoe. I'm an old shoe?

Yeah, like what nurses wear. Like what Beverly would wear.

All right, I gotta get this nighttime routine going.

These chompers aren't gonna water-pick themselves.

Oh, Morgan. I'm so desperately lonely.

Sometimes I wonder if I've paid too high a price for love.

Well, I know something about that.

I mean, Tamra and I can't walk through Harlem together.

'Cause we're in a limo! What?

I'm out of money. Oh.

What the hell is he doing here?

Let me explain. Let me explain.

I invited both of you here because I want...

Are you trying to Parent Trap us? Are you the Lindsay Lohans?

I said let me explain.

But that's exactly right. That's... Oh, my God.

I would have explained it. Okay, please, enough fighting.

Everyone's sick of it. Sit down.

Sit down, the three of us are gonna be at this table.

Crack open a nice old bottle of red ketchup

and we're gonna dump it on our fries

and we're gonna chow down. And we're gonna eat.

And we're gonna get to the bottom of this.

Now, I'm gonna mediate

and I'm not gonna leave until...

Excuse me.

Dr. L's texting me.

Dr. Prentice, Dr. Reed, you're on your own.

Oh, my God. I...

Exclaim. Exclaim. Exclaim. Exclaim.

I've actually written you an apology poem.

It's called Master and a Prentice. Would you like to hear it?

I would love to...

Take that poem and shove it down your throat

and then give you the finger through your belly button.

That's it!

You know what, I didn't steal Lauren. Right? She left you.

You know why? Because you're over 30, yet you have four roommates

two pair of underpants and no toothbrush.

You were the one that got her thinking those things were bad!

Well, your face is bad!

Oh. Oh, my face!

Morgan, he's on fire. My beautiful face.

Oh, my God!

Danny, I agreed to go on vacation with Morgan, okay?

Why don't you cool it on the drinks, all right?

You're being real funny tonight.

Yeah, I feel hilarious.

Come here. Come here. I'm gonna make you laugh.

I'm gonna make you laugh all night.

Hold on a second, I'm still working my ears.

Wow. It's gonna be a two-swabber.

Huh? Huh?

What?

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Danny? Danny? Danny, something really weird is happening.

Danny. Danny! What's going on?

Nothing, I just missed you a lot.

Hey. And I'm feeling super horny.

You okay?

Oh. Mindy.

Min?

Whoa! Oh, my God. Mindy.

I'm Detective Olivia Prendergast.

Ma'am, we have reason to believe that you were roofied with intent.

By this man.

Wait a minute. I thought you were from hospital billing.

Okay. No. No, no, no. He is my boyfriend.

It's always the ones you trust.

No, no! He did not roofy me. I roofied myself.

What? Why would you do that?

Are you sure? You wanna take a minute? 'Cause I think it was this guy.

No, I'm sorry. He's innocent.

You make me sick.

It's scum like you that make me drink myself to sleep.

What are you talking about? It wasn't so bad.

What's going on here?

Okay, wait.

Now I'm gonna be in the police blotter. That's your thing!

I'm so sorry, Danny. What happened?

No, no, no, no

Oh, my God.

Whoa, whoa, Danny. Your sex put her in the hospital?

What are you packing, baby?

Wait a minute, you told Pete this?

I told him, because I was very stressed out about our situation,

he offered to help...

What happened to your eyebrows? Ask Jeremy.

It wasn't enough he took Lauren from me,

he had to take the only straight hairs on my body as well.

You got plenty on your back, you... Those are straight!

Those are straight, the ones on my back are curled.

Okay, okay. All right, all right.

You guys are being crazy dramatic.

And this is coming from the most dramatic person here.

Remember when I almost jumped off that low bridge

because I didn't agree with that American Idol result.

Clay, huh? This feud is lame and it's unprofessional.

Yeah, you guys aren't even famous enough to be in a feud.

You're just two basics having a bitch fest.

Yes. Okay, come on, guys.

Let's do it. Bury the hatchet. Come on.

What do you say, Peter? Should we forge a detente de guerre?

At work we will not fight, but outside of work we'll fight constantly.

And will you please say one sentence like a human being?

Indubitably. Damn it.

I look like Skeletor.

What's going on? Babe, please let me explain.

Babe, just let me explain the details of our vacation,

which is gonna be amazing...

Hey, I bought a soda and two came out.

Were you not gonna get me one? Yeah, no, I was.

Mindy, why do you think you're not sexually advanced enough for me?

Because you called me an "old shoe"

and you're basically like

James Caan at the Playboy Mansion!

Okay, that's it. No more lies. You want the truth about the other night?

Have I given you the impression that I don't? Okay, here's the real truth.

It didn't mean anything.

And I don't want you to be anything. I just tried something. All right?

That's it.

Because America was built on trying things.

Okay. No, no, no. This is good.

When the pioneers went out West on the wagon train,

they didn't know what they were gonna find. Bears? Scorpions?

But they just tried it out and you know what they found?

Weed. No, not weed.

Gold, the Grand Canyon. I mean, California, no thanks,

but the San Diego Zoo's nice. In America, you just go for it.

You just... You just go for it. And yeah, sometimes you pay the price.

But other times... Other times, jackpot.

Okay, I don't understand this. How this is the real truth?

Because it is. Sometimes a guy just has to try something.

Well, why didn't you tell me this before?

Because I'd never done it before.

Neither have I. You haven't?

No. Oh, well...

That's good.

See that, Big Guy? We can work with that.

Okay, you don't have to clear me with God.

I'm fine. God's obsessed with me. Hey, take it easy.

She's taken. I'm just kidding.

So, are we good? We are.

Just, if you wanna try something freaky, just run it by me first?

Yes, I promise.

Did you ever have sex in a hospital bed?

Danny, someone could walk in!

I should have just started kissing you. Asking sucks.

Damn it, you're right. Yeah.

No, no. Okay.

The moment's... Yeah, it's ruined.

Let's drink our sodas and watch Colbert.

Okay. Okay.

Morgan, Peter and I have been doing some thinking...

You're gonna share Lauren? Weekdays, weekends.

This is a good plan. No. God, no.

No, no. We just came here to say in the midst of our feud,

we did neglect to give you proper due for your new degree.

Well, we got you something. It's from the heart.

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Do you have, like, a gift receipt?

Gift receipt? I mean, you're... It's...

Your name's on it. It's monogrammed.

You know it's Tookers with an "S."

We gave it a shot, it's the thought that counts.

- I will wear it with pride. - Good.

Awesome. At home... Guys, I love it.

I love it.

Ooh, our first freaky consensual adventure.

Yeah.

Argh! Ow! You bit my tongue!

I'm so sorry, the whipped cream just tasted so delicious.

Ow, Mindy! God! Ow!

God! Mindy, get off my hand! No.

Are you kidding me? Ow! Mindy, let go. Let go of my hand!

Ow! Danny, it just tastes so good.

Ow. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

What's wrong with you? We just ate!

Ripped By mstoll