All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S03E02 - Annette Castellano Is My Nemesis (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda).eng

Oh, Danny, I just remembered
the dream I had last night.

Please don't tell me. No,
you're gonna like this one.

So, I was in the jungle and
this guy wanted me so badly.

He was like Tarzan. Why
would I like this dream?

You know, now that I think about
it, I think you might not like it.

All right.
It's me!

Ma? ANNETTE: Don't get up,
it's only your mother.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was in the city,

and I thought I'd drop off
some old magazines.

Okay, Ma, I've told you a hundred times
I don't want your old TV Guides.

Oh, are you the King of Siam? You too good
for an inside look at the fall lineup?

Hello, Mrs. Castellano. It's such
an honor to meet you. I'm Mindy.

All right, well, this has
been a lot of fun, Ma, but...

Oh, of course. It's
very nice to meet you.

Would you remind me, how long
have you been with Danny?

A couple of months, actually.
Oh, well, I'm glad he has you,

because his last girl, she
wasn't very good. Oh, I know.

No, she was lazy and always
listening to that cucaracha music.

Ugh.
Yeah. Yeah.

Which girlfriend was that? Would you
consider coming out to Staten Island?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
She is a busy girl, Ma.

This Mindy is... What?
No, I would love to.

Oh, could you do Wednesdays?

Every Wednesday?

Sure. What's your rate, hon? My rate.
That's a great question.

I think I'm an eight.
You know, uh, 10 in Chicago,

but a four in Los Angeles.
Okay, that's great.

Uh, Ma, enough of the jibber-jab,
I gotta get to work.

Good to see ya. All right,
all right, all right!

This one has been in a hurry since the
day he was born. Don't I know it.

Yeah.
He came out two months early.

He was only three inches tall.

Oh! Yeah, okay, goodbye, Ma!
Good to see you.

Okay, goodbye, Danny. Good to
meet you, Mrs. Castellano.

Your mother loves me. She
thinks you're my cleaning lady.

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Why didn't you tell your mother
that I wasn't the cleaning lady?

Do I look Dominican to you?
Do not answer that.

I didn't want to get into
a whole thing. I mean...

I never mentioned you before.

Don't gasp. You've never
mentioned me to your mother?

Danny, I have told
everyone about us.

I even showed my waxer
that beautiful poem you wrote.

Brown Orchid? That was for your eyes only.
It was beautiful and it was erotic.

Okay, look. I wanted to.
I wanted to tell her.

I wanted to say, "Ma, this is Mindy."
But she's... She's very difficult.

Are you insane? I'm difficult.

I mean, you get me a present
every day otherwise I freak out.

Yeah. No, I know.
What was your plan?

You were just gonna
keep us apart forever?

What were you gonna do
on our wedding day?

Ah, you'd be fine.
You'd be all covered up

in your religious garb.
She wouldn't even see you.

What religion do you think I am?
Orthodox-something,

I don't know.
You're unbelievable, Danny.

Okay, look. I guess I was
hoping that things just

resolved themselves before
I had to introduce you.

What does that mean?
Well, you know, that...

You know, natural forces
would just...

Just make things resolved.

Were you trying to run out the
clock until your mother died?

Look, my mother wasn't like other mothers.
She's, she's tough.

She had to be. She raised
two boys all by herself.

She cleaned hotel rooms
just to make ends meet.

What does "ends meet" anyway?
People are always talking about it.

Is that like the last
fatty part of a rump roast?

It sounds delicious.
I'd love to try it.

Okay, look, the point is I don't
think you guys would get along.

She's hated all
my ex-girlfriends.

Yeah, but, Danny, I'm not like your
ex-girlfriends, okay? Moms love me.

And you know why? Because I
have a foolproof, four-point,

mom-catching plan. It works on
even the prickliest of moms.

Step one.
Okay, okay, fine.

You can meet her. I just. I can't listen to
one of your cuckoo plans before 10:00 a.m.

Oh!

Morning.

Hey! What are you...
Why is the door open?

Relax. I'm just peeing.
Why are you sitting down?

Oh, Tamra makes me sit down
when I pee now.

Because when I stand I splash everywhere.
Oh, for God's sake, man.

No, she's right. I mean, when I'm done it
looks like Singin' in the Rain in there.

Ladies, huh? That's
what they do to ya.

They ruin your life, they make you
wash your sheets, they kiss Jeremies.

Okay, are you talking about Dr.
Reed kissing your girlfriend

or is this directly applicable
to this situation?

No, the latter, dude.
What latter?

Look, Tamra has you whipped
like a frat pledge.

Which, you know, they say is cool and
you think those guys are your friends,

and then... You know what? I'm
not going to sit down to pee.

Don't. I'm gonna stand up when I
have to pee because I'm a man.

Yeah. I'm never sitting
on a toilet ever again.

You shouldn't have to. Starting now.
My legs are asleep.

Okay.
Help. Help.

Sir?
No, no, no.

Danny, I am so happy I finally
get to see your office.

It's nice, Daniel.

Welcome to Shulman
and Associates.

I'm sure your son's
told you all about me.

Shulman. Very New York-y.

And, Ma, this is Mindy.
That's the woman who...

I'm, I'm...

Uh, you know...
You see, these days,

Mindy's my girlfriend. Yes.
Yeah.

Yeah.
Mindy.

That's Mindy. I'm so sorry about
yesterday's misunderstanding.

Yeah, well, it happens
all the time.

One Thanksgiving, a little boy thought
I was the Dora the Explorer balloon.

Well, this is great, right? This is fun.
Everyone met each other.

That's, that's nice. Okay, time to go.
Let's, let's...

All right. But what are you
planning on doing in the city?

I know this great frozen yogurt
place nearby. I, myself, can't go.

I've been banned for sample fraud.
Well, we're going shopping.

Richie is buying me a new outfit
for my birthday tomorrow.

Yeah, he always takes
time off for his Ma.

Well, to be honest, it's not taking
time off if you don't have a job.

He's got a job.

He plays tennis

and he makes that web-series

about how to be gay on a budget.

Yeah, no, no. I'm sorry, no.
It's... It's a great series.

I loved it. I mean, I loved the first one.
That was like eight months ago,

but it was great.
Hey, look...

Here you go, okay?

Take this for Ma's outfit
and get a haircut.

You look like Mowgli from The Jungle Book.
What's The Jungle Book?

So do you have big plans
for your mother's birthday?

Oh, yeah. We're all going
to brunch tomorrow.

Oh!

It's not a big thing.
Yeah, it's a big thing.

My boys'll be there,
and my best friend, Dot.

We're going to this place
where Kelly Ripa always goes.

I miss Regis. I do
not like the new guy.

You should come, Mindy. Oh, I
would love to come, thank you.

Uh, but the reservation
is at 1:00.

1:00 p. M?
Mmm-hmm.

At the same time that my C-section is
scheduled, which I told you about.

I forgot that you told me that.

But there'll be other opportunities
to get to know each other.

We'll figure something out. I know
we'll figure something out someday.

- Anyway, this was fun.
- Where are we going?

Let's, uh, let's just go for a walk.
I'm sorry. Mmm.

Happy Birthday, Ma.
Bon appétit.

Uh! Madonna mia,
I forgot my cheaters.

Danny, could you
read me the whole menu?

I forgot my hearing aid,
so make it loud.

Okay.

"Appetizers,
deviled eggs, $10."

Hello! "Macaroni
and Cheese Balls."

Guess who's making
a brunch cameo?

I got Peter to cover my
C-section so I could join you.

Happy Birthday!
Oh. How nice.

How nice.

Okay.

What are you doing here?
Danny, your mom invited me.

I thought she wanted me to come.

No, no. She was just
saying that.

I told you she's hates all my girlfriends.
She hates them. Okay,

even if your mom isn't
crazy about me, she will be

by the time this brunch is over.

Danny, my mom-catching
plan always works.

Listen, it's not gonna work
on Ma, okay? She's tricky.

You go in there, you're being nice
to her, you say one wrong thing

and blammo-blammo,
you're dead to her.

Danny?
Whoa! What are you doing?

Why are you ripping
off my dress?

I thought it was a little trench.
This is obviously a dress.

Okay, I'm nervous. Okay.
Don't be. I got this.

Step one,
compliment her.

Mrs. Castellano, I love your new blazer.
Thank you.

It's from the Janet
Reno Collection.

Step two,
find common ground.

All you need is one TVshow
that you both watch.

- Real Housewives? Basketball Wives?
- No. No.

Army Wives? Sister Wives?
No. No.

Wife Swap?
I only watch Castle.

Excuse me.

Oh. He writes murder
mysteries and he solves them.

That is a great idea for a show.

You know, Mrs. Castellano, I love how Beckett
is always giving Castle a hard time.

Me too! Call me Annette.
Okay.

Step three, come bearing gifts
and don't forget about Mom's friend.

Step four, and this is
the most important step of all,

agree with everything
she says. Everything.

This restaurant is freezing.
I know. Antarctica much?

I wouldn't mind them if they
didn't have so many parades.

I know. I hate that
ethnic group, too.

Enough with this Michael
Fassbender and his penis.

I know. Put some clothes on,
you ugly perv.

I think our waiter has an attitude.
Ugh.

Yeah, he's worse than the guy
who replaced Regis.

I like this one, Danny.

Dr. Prentice, your
Tamra advice worked.

She totally gets it and I am now
allowed to pee standing up again.

There it is. Congratulations, huh?
Thank you.

Happy Bro-Mitzvah. Mazel-brov.
Thanks.

Hey, so, do you want
to adopt all my dogs?

'Cause Tamra just found out
she's allergic to them

so I have to get rid
of all of them.

Oh, dude, you can't get rid of these dogs.
They're your whole identity.

Look, it's not Tamra's fault
she's allergic to dogs.

Chief, she's allergic to dogs
the way I'm allergic to latex.

She's lying to get
what she wants.

You know, adult-onset allergy
is a real thing.

She also recently found out she's
allergic to all metal that's not gold.

Mmm-hmm. And she's
allergic to all seafood

that's not very expensive lobster.
She's a woman.

All women have thicker
folds in their brains

making them more
manipulative by nature.

I don't know what medical journal
you're reading that from.

Is your dog's fur silky? Could it
be mistaken for longhaired mink?

Yeah, it could. You could brush it
out, I think. Oh, you know what?

No, I don't think any of them could.
Thanks though.

Actually, a couple of them could.
The guy on the left. Ehh.

I, I gotta be honest with you.
It could very easily double...

She's gonna kill those dogs and
make them into a jacket. Beverly?

Annette, I don't know what
you could've wished for.

You already have the greatest sons in the
whole world. That's very sweet, dear,

but I wished that the mean waitress
at our favorite diner would die.

Well, I can't kill Helen
for you, Ma, but I did get you

a little something
for your birthday.

Happy Birthday.
Oh, thank you.

It's a new stove.

Brushed chrome, digital read-out, state
of the art. I had it installed today, Ma.

No, no. Danny,
this is too much.

You gotta return this. I'd
feel guilty cooking on this.

What with Jesus looking down
at me from the crucifix

above the microwave.
I couldn't.

Your old stove was leaking
gas, Ma. The bird died.

The gas helped me sleep.

But the guy installed it today.
The guy? Who's this guy?

It's just, uh... Now he knows
the layout of your house.

That is how elder rape occurs.

All right. Thank you, Danny.
This is a very nice gift.

You're welcome, Ma. Hey, Ma,
I got you something, too.

Oh!
Oh!

Oh, Richie!
I love bears.

You got this yourself?
At the airport.

I got you a snow globe, too, but I kept it.
You okay with the bear?

This is perfect!
And from Hudson News.

La-dee-da.

And at least the bear doesn't
know the layout of your house.

It doesn't matter if someone
knows the layout of your house.

Yeah. Sorry. Dot,
you're absolutely right.

I think it'd be unsafe to know the layout
of someone's house. I'm so sorry, Ma.

Look, Danny,
I love your gift, too.

It was very thoughtful. It was
Sure, sure.

Way too much. Like it
made everything awkward.

Step four, agree
with everything she says.

Everything.

I don't think it was too much.

No, I actually thought
it was an amazing gift

and if Danny was my son
I would be so proud.

I mean, he planned
this incredible brunch

and he does so many other things for you.
And he's always talking about you.

- What do you mean, "so many other things"?
- Oh, boy.

Nothing. So Danny told
ya he pays all my bills?

No.
No, no.

Did he tell you
about my QVC dolls?

The thousands I spend on my
phone game Coffee Crunch?

Well, I am sorry. I told
you I had to keep... Yes.

...buying coffee hammers
so I could beat level 44.

I told you that!
It's an impossible level!

Of course it is. Ma?
Ma? Please calm down.

Mindy didn't mean anything by it.
Nothing.

I'm sorry we're such a burden to you,
Danny, and that you felt it necessary

to broadcast our private
family business to her.

I do not like you.
Ma, that's not...

Ma?
I think, I think it was...

I think it was like an A minus.

Oh, Ma. MINDY:
Okay, that's a bit much.

Can you just please
call your mother, okay?

She's probably over it by now.
No.

Italian people don't
get over things.

They let their anger fester and
ferment, growing stronger over time.

That's why our wine's so good.
Well, I'm sorry, Danny.

I should have never forced you
to introduce me to your mother.

God, so this is what it feels like
to be wrong. I don't like it.

It was a valiant effort. But Ma
and girlfriends, they don't mix.

Yeah, but I didn't want to be just
another one of your girlfriends, Danny.

I wanted to be different. You are
different. You're very different.

My old girlfriends,
they loved to work out.

And they never stole change
from my coin jar.

Ah, you know what? I think the
whole thing will blow over

in about five or 10 years.

Annette
can't come to the phone because

I've gone back to work
cleaning hotel rooms

so as not to burden my son.

Beverly, I'm going to Staten
Island. Cancel my 1:00.

Scheduling's not my job.
I'm in charge of pencils.

This cake is terrible.
It's a dog treat.

I know.

I'm just... I'm not sure she's
ready to be a dog owner.

I mean, what would you do
to make sure that

she got the proper exercise?

Take it on little walks.
Damn it. She's right.

Sophie's been wanting a dog for a long time.
Ever since her mother left, actually.

Well, you more than anyone understands the
importance of keeping a family together.

And I can assume that you'll
take all 40 dogs. Uh, no.

- Okay, I...
- Hey, baby!

Hey, baby.

You can do this.
Excuse me for a minute.

I don't love you anymore.
In fact, I hate you.

Your name is not Nicole.
Your name is Anonymous.

Goodbye forever.

Huh! Huh! Huh!

Get this mangy mutt...
Hold on. Hold on.

Do you remember when we
watched America's Got Talent?

I can't, I can't. I'm sorry.
I'm not ready to give...

Remember when we saw Tron 2?
Wait, um... Doctor? Dr. P?

Hold on. Make sure she doesn't
take any dogs. Dr. P!

Tamra!

You have broken a good,
if not weird, man's spirit.

I have had enough of
this BS dog allergy.

Can't breathe!

Why are you trying
to kill me, Dr. P?

Oh, no. I was. I thought you
Help me!

Okay.
Help me.

Okay, okay, okay. Not the croissants.
Help me!

First things first,
you need to relax!

Okay, I'm going to cut a hole
Help!

Tamra! She was like
this when I found her.

EpiPen!

Mrs. Castellano, I know you are angry with
me but you cannot take this out on...

Danny.

Mrs. Castellano? Mrs...

- Oh, my God.
- I'm fine. Fine.

Just trying to lift a comforter
and I popped my hip.

Oh! Ow!
Okay, I'm going to help.

No, no. Don't, all right? It always finds
its way back in. Just leave me be.

Okay, just let me help you. No!
No, I don't want your help.

Just get away from me.

All right, I will get away from you.
Good.

I know when I am not wanted, and I'm
respectful of you, and a good person.

Okay, see? I'm gonna
pop your hip back in!

Oh, no! Ah! Your hand
is on my pubis!

Just lie there.
It'll be over soon!

Ahhh! Elder rape!

Hey, Bev, you seen Mindy?

She said she was going
to Staten Island.

Why did you go back to cleaning hotels?
You're not even good at it.

Look? I found this pizza
slice on the floor.

I didn't want Daniel to resent me.
Yeah, right.

You wanted Daniel
to feel guilty.

But guess what? He feels
guilty enough as it is.

Every time we take a shower together
he makes a donation to the Vatican.

Ugh! Hey, you are not
doing this anymore.

You're gonna to go back to
letting Danny take care of you.

Fine. Jeez. I still have
to finish today's shift.

Oh! Okay, bozo, just sit down.
I will do it.

Great. Fresh linens are on the cart.
Watch out, the bed's Pube City.

God. You know,

your son is a really great guy.

Every night when I fall asleep on
the sofa, he carries me to bed.

Well, he tries to. Then he
just drags me by the leg.

You think I don't know
my son is great?

Of course I do.
He's my son.

Then why are you so hard
on him all the time?

You know, my parents send me an email
every day and the subject heading

is Mindy's Compliment Corner. Well, now
that's a different kind of problem.

Look, I treat Daniel
the way I do because

he can handle it.
He's tough.

He doesn't need someone
to take care of him.

Well, I think everyone needs to get
taken care of sometime, even Danny.

Maybe that's why he
likes you so much.

He finally found a strong,
immigrant woman

tough enough
to take care of him.

I don't know if I would
describe myself that way.

You know all of Danny's
old girlfriends?

They were little wisps of women,

fragile, always agreeing
with everything I said.

Thin, lithe bodies
with these giant...

That is enough. Everyone knows I
got the biggest cans in town.

Hey, look, if you're a good little
worker, we can split the tip.

I am keeping the entire tip.

Just because you have your own
backwards-ass issues with women

does not give you the right
to burn down our paradise.

I'm sorry. You put this innocent
man through hell, Dr. P.

This whole week has been
a real mind-screw. Yeah.

Listen, I shouldn't have
doubted you, Tamra.

I'm sorry. I just haven't been
feeling very trusting lately,

especially towards women.

Oh, yeah. You shouldn't trust us.
We're manipulative by nature

because our brains have thicker folds.
I know.

Hey, look at me
right now. I love you.

I know you do. You saved my life.
I know.

You don't have to get rid of your dogs.
Are you serious?

Yeah. I'll just take allergy medicine
and never come to your house again.

I hate it there. His grandma's
kisses are hella wet. That is true.

Hey, everyone.
How's it going?

The Dog Fair has been canceled.

Hit the road, scum.
Keep walking, brother.

Keep walking, brother.
Get her out.

Get her out.
These are my dogs.

Oh, I love you.
I was kidding.

It was a joke. I would never leave you.

Get out of here.

Scram.

Get...

Dr. P, I think you
should take Nicole.

Oh, no. I can't have a dog. I get crazy
jealous when I see them lick their own junk.

Hey, look. I think it would be good for you to
have a strong female influence in your life.

And maybe you should
forgive your girlfriend.

She is pretty cute.
Yeah.

She has hemorrhoids real bad.
That's... Nope!

You've got to apply the salve to her B,
every six hours. It's really expensive.

Thank you. I was never
gonna leave you.

I missed you guys so much.

Hey, Danny, are you making
sausage and meatballs?

It's okay if you're not. I just want to
mentally prepare for disappointment.

I'm making both.
Oh, thank God.

I gotta tell you, Danny,
this new stove...

I like how quiet the fan is.

Thanks, Ma.

Hey, psst.
Yeah?

That was a real nice moment.
Just keep cutting and be quiet.

I'll keep cutting
but I will not be quiet.

Huh. Danny Castellano's
childhood bedroom.

But where are all the posters
of the hot chicks?

There's just these weird ones
with men with mustaches.

Danny, what's a Thurman Munson?

The heart and soul of
the Bronx Bombers is what.

Well, that's the opposite
of helpful. Yeah?

I'll show you helpful.
Get over there.

Listen, thanks for
taking care of Ma.

Sorry she bit you.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry I bit her.

She's kind of crazy, but I'm glad I
could help. And you're such a good son.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

I brought you some...
Oh, Ma!

Were you arousing my son
in my own house?

A boy's bedroom should never
have an erection in it.

We weren't doing anything!

Like fun. I bought
Danny those pants

and he's tearing right
through 'em.

Okay, can we not do this
in front of Bernard King?

Who is Bernard King?

Who is Bernard King?

Who is Bernard King?

He scored 30 points a game
for the Knicks in 1984.

I was barely alive then.

You people are so old.
Okay.

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