Original subtitles

If you had told me five years ago that I,

Daniel Castellano, would be dating Mindy Lahiri,

I would have said, "Oh, is everyone else on the planet dead?"

I was kind of a dick back then.

Oh, my! Hey! Oh!

Sure, there were ups and downs.

But we finally found each other.

Can you believe it?

Me, a man that thought

that love had forsaken him, finally...

Shut up and do me!

After years of dating losers and sociopaths,

I'm now happily dating the man of my dreams,

a devout Catholic divorcé with some pretty serious dad issues.

Which, for a single, 30-something woman, is not too shabby.

Cantaloupe? But it hasn't been easy.

I've had to move out of my comfort zone.

Thank you.

You okay? Mmm.

Mmm-hmm. No, I'm good. Okay...

And Danny has had to change, too.

Danny, please come out.

But what is a relationship if not doing things you hate

in between sex sessions.

And speaking of sex,

I've learned that Danny gets turned on by some pretty unusual music.

Ripped By mstoll

Yep?

Hey, Danny, can I have your professional opinion on something?

I need someone of your expertise.

Of course.

I was hoping you'd ask me how to be a better doctor, Pete.

Now, what can I help you with?

I heard you're good with your mouth.

What does that mean?

I heard you're, um...

I heard you're good with your mouth.

What? Mindy told me.

And as you know, I've never given a woman an orgasm.

She says you're like a thirsty camel at a desert oasis.

I don't know if she's referring to a technique or...

Where's Mindy?

She's in the staff meeting that started five minutes ago.

Better get that hot little tongue of yours in there.

What?

Hey, what the hell?

Danny, take a seat.

Thank you for coming to this important meeting.

Every year, I try to get a charity initiative going.

Every year without fail, no one wants to help me.

Okay, I don't know why you are looking at me.

I am mad charitable.

I donated two cans of soup to get into a Katy Perry Q and A.

This year, therefore, I am holding

a fundraiser for our favorite charity,

with my old college chum, Lauren.

Hi. Yeah!

That's my girlfriend! Give it a twirl, girl!

- No. No, babe. - Show everybody.

No, babe.

I so happy you're all participating in this.

Albeit against your will.

Doctors Without Molars provides much needed

orthodontic care to the Third World.

What about my world?

Our PPO wouldn't cover my colored braces,

'cause they were "medically unnecessary."

Those cute little braces you're always talking about?

Yeah. Okay. That is so unfair.

I'll tell you why that happened.

Because men control health care.

And you know what else,

if there were braces for your penis,

we would not be in this situation.

Okay, that...

How about a charity that helps girls

who wanna look bangable at work?

Braces for penises is what we would call it.

That's... This is my thing. I can't go.

I have tickets to an execution.

Mmm-hmm.

I can go, but cannot pay.

And I need someone to keep me company while I'm there.

Dr. C, you're staring right at me, the job is yours.

No, no, no. I was looking at you because you were talking.

- Nevertheless, wrap it up. - Damn it.

I'm gonna shut this down before it spirals.

I'll see you all in a couple of days.

Lauren's apartment.

Everybody get back to work. Everyone get back to work.

Good meeting, though.

What are you telling everybody about me? Everything!

You're welcome, by the way.

I moved the router up high so you wouldn't trip on the wire.

A pretty girl like you shouldn't trip on a cord

and bust that beautiful face open.

I think you have a very nice face yourself.

You should see my calves.

Who are you?

This is Cousin Lou.

You know my Cousin Lou I'm always talking about, and you're like,

"Morgan, no one cares."

This is him. That's Cousin Lou?

Yeah, Dr. Reed hired him to do IT.

You know, we get a tax credit every time we hire an ex-con.

Well, I'm just so happy to work at a place that allows

hunky drifters like yourself to get a second chance.

For hopefully committing a white collar crime?

Oh... Oh, no, no.

But don't worry.

Morgan and I went to jail for boosting cars.

Look, no more stealing cars.

Dr. C... I don't...

I stayed in jail for murder.

Richard Lewis came to entertain us.

You killed Richard Lewis? No! No.

The guy next to me was heckling him.

So I stabbed him.

He loves Richard Lewis. Yes.

Okay, guys. Want to, uh, step out and just give us a minute?

Let me say one thing. Cousin Lou is on the market.

Can you imagine if you married my cousin?

Thanksgivings at your house.

Christmas at your house.

Ramadan at your house.

Big month for you. I'm not...

I'm not... I'm also not... Well, she is Muslim.

A very devout Muslim.

I'm not. I mean, it's fine to be. I'm just not.

You're not Muslim? No.

Mmm. It's okay, you know what?

I'll think about it. I think that's a nice offer.

Okay. Look, I get it. I'm not well read,

well-traveled, and our family's trash.

Ooh, yeah.

But I'm a white man who's interested in you.

Okay, we don't eat popsicles like that here.

That's not what I heard, homeboy.

I heard you're pretty good with your mouth. Oh!

Why is everybody at work talking about how I'm good with my mouth?

Oh. Because it's true.

Wait, are you mad?

Okay, Danny,

you can just tell everyone that I'm really good with my mouth.

Eh...

How dare you?

I mean, you're okay.

You certainly thought I was okay last night.

It was better last night.

Look, I appreciate that you value my skills,

but I can't be open with you if everything I say or do,

the whole office is gonna know.

But, Danny, that's who I am.

I need to be able to come into work and say to everyone,

"Danny and I had sex on the subway last night."

And then get everyone's take on it...

But if this is gonna work out, you can't be like that anymore.

Really? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

I can do that. Sure, you could do that.

I can change the very core of me.

Okay, come on. Hey, you can do it.

Hmm.

Danny?

Can you show me that move you do called the Staten Island Handshake?

Mindy says it made her pass out.

Peter, I don't think that was me.

I think that was somebody else who told you that.

No, you said you thought you were gonna melt

into your duvet cover, remember?

Hmm, yeah. That sounds like me.

Damn it. Has anyone seen my talc?

I need it, it's humid.

Okay. Just return it, no questions asked.

This, and what about this catering company?

Mmm...

Ah!

Danny, do you have any T-shirts

that are not a boy's size medium?

If you've got it, flaunt it.

All right, well, that doesn't really help me very much.

Oh!

Guess who kept her mouth shut all day about our personal business?

Like, last night how when you climaxed, you said "Whoa, Nelly!"

I am very proud of you. Thank you.

And, as a reward,

I have some very interesting information.

Is this boring, like all the states' capitals?

No, you have to promise me you won't tell anyone.

Okay, I won't tell anyone.

Wait, is this gossip?

No, I'm not gossiping. I don't do that.

This is just me

reporting the questionable goings on of people we know.

Okay.

So, tonight... Yeah.

I'm leaving the office,

I'm ready to hit the gym,

not the boxing gym, my regular gym,

because Terry at the boxing gym,

he drives a bus on Wednesdays. Yeah.

Now, usually on Wednesdays, I like to go...

Oh, my God. You're telling this so badly!

I'll tell you about Terry later. Okay.

The point is,

I saw Lauren and Jeremy alone in the conference room,

and he was rubbing her.

He was honking her breasts?

No, he was rubbing her neck.

Whoa, Nelly.

There's something definitely going on.

Peter's not delivering in the bedroom,

and they're planning this charity thing together?

I would never let my woman plan a charity event with some guy.

I would never do it.

And I would never plan a charity event.

Danny, that was really good interpersonal chit-chat.

Thanks.

Except I do feel bad for Peter.

Because honestly, Lauren's the first girlfriend he's had who I haven't wanted to kill.

Yeah, it's tough out there.

Hey, Danny? Yeah?

Who is Diamond?

Who's Diamond what?

Uh, don't put that... Put that back.

Don't go through my stuff, Mindy.

I don't go through your stuff.

Don't go through my drawers.

Yeah, but I don't have pink thongs with "Diamond" on them.

Does this belong to your ex-girlfriend?

God, she must have been really thin.

Don't worry about her.

Just, uh, put it back and let's...

I don't even think I could fit this on my arm.

Don't put it on your arm. Just drop it.

It's okay to have things from your ex-girlfriends. You know?

I have a box of my ex-boyfriend's hair.

But I keep it for curses.

Okay, that's it.

That's the end of this. Okay?

Danny, what are you doing...

I said, that's the end of that, okay? Drop it.

Peter! Peter!

Am I being paranoid?

Last night, I found something very disturbing in the back of Danny's dresser.

Is he wearing eyelash extensions?

I knew it!

Those things are way too long.

The other day, one rubbed up against the back of my ear.

Uh, no, that's not it.

This is what I found.

You know what?

Never mind. This is not something that I need to discuss

with someone outside of my relationship.

So, I'm just gonna go back to my office.

And I'm going to spiral out about it by myself.

Good for you. Oh, wait.

Before you do that, can you look at something real quick? Okay.

I'm thinking about buying these for Lauren, what do you think?

Peter, those are huge.

Are these really expensive? Yes.

Did I have to divest myself from Pube's start-up in order to afford them?

Double yes.

But, you know, a chick like Lauren,

she comes around once in a lifetime and I think I love her.

Don't buy those earrings.

What? Don't buy those earrings, Peter. I beg of you.

Why?

I just feel like,

maybe Lauren doesn't feel the same way.

About me?

No, not about you.

Not about you.

About jewelry!

She might like a different kind of jewelry.

Okay. Like what?

Like a tiara?

Tiara, very cool.

'Cause she's my queen. I like it.

Much more expensive, much harder to find,

but, I'm in it for the long haul.

Okay, well, happy that I could help.

Hey, what's with the stripper thong?

Stripper thong? You know...

Snaps.

Oh, my God.

Damn it. I can picture Danny with any one of these.

Why are you looking at pictures of strippers?

What? How'd you know that?

I can see the reflection in your eyes.

You're such a snoop!

God, you can't be a stripper.

I mean, you've got the body, yeah.

But can you dance? I don't think so.

Okay, look, shut up. Just come in and close the door.

I tried to keep my mouth shut the entire day

and I just made everything worse.

I need to tell you this,

but you have to promise me you're not gonna tell anybody.

I found this stripper thong in the back of Danny's dresser!

And Jeremy was giving Lauren a shoulder rub in the conference room!

A shoulder rub?

I only give a shoulder rub when I'm expecting a you-know-what rub afterwards.

I know. I know... A sex rub.

I know. Sex rub.

I said... I know.

You just talked over me.

I don't wanna live in a world where a rude schlub like Peter

can lose his woman to a handsome, decent man.

I know!

And I don't wanna work in a place where Dr. C

has to hide his man's thong in his drawer.

Men's thong?

This is a men's thong. Look at the pouch.

Right here. This is where the wiener would go.

Hello!

Diamond Dan?

Oh, my God!

Danny is the stripper!

Thank you for coming to Lauren's.

I'm sure everyone's having a lovely time using their teeth tonight.

Now imagine a world where dental care is non-existent.

I can't believe I'm missing Sheena's tap recital for this.

Is everything all right, Tamra?

Nah, Dr. C. Actually, it is not.

First of all, my phone is dead, as per usual.

Secondly, I think it's messed up that Dr. Reed

and Dr. That Lady are hooking up behind Dr. Prentice's back.

How'd you know that?

Morgan told me.

He heard it from Dr. L. Everybody knows.

Okay.

Hey! Hey. I gotta talk to you!

Oh, me? Yeah. I need to talk to you!

Get in there! Okay, in there.

I gotta talk to you. Okay, after you.

Get your big ass in there now.

What the hell!

Did you tell Morgan about Jeremy and Lauren?

Did you used to be a stripper?

Uh...

Okay, we both did bad things.

Let's get back to the party, and...

No, no, no, no. I don't think so, pal.

I have spent the last day and a half thinking

that you are obsessed with an ex or worse!

It's embarrassing, okay?

I did it to pay for medical school.

Wait, I thought you worked on a deep sea fishing boat to pay for medical school.

I tried. I kept getting thrown from the boat because I was too light.

Danny, you can't just shut down

because you have a secret.

Okay, look. You know why I didn't tell you?

Because I don't trust you with my secrets.

Why do you have so many secrets, Danny?

You're an OB/GYN. You're not Batman.

What the hell, man?

You said we were gonna hang out at the party, Diamond Dan.

You're unbelievable! I told him.

You are unbelievable! Because I...

I'm out there talking to some orthodontist from Xiose.

You will not have to worry about these problems when you're a Tookers.

There's a lot of other problems, though.

Dyslexia, alcoholism,

no short-term memory,

alcoholism.

Excuse me.

Man, so much drama at this vagina clinic, huh?

I know, it's a real soap opera in here.

Speaking of that, did you hear

about Lauren and Jeremy doing it behind Peter's back?

I'm Peter.

You're Peter, too? No, I'm that Peter.

The Peter we're discussing right now?

Oh, man. Oh!

That is so embarrassing for me.

I'm so sorry. No, it's...

But seriously, everybody's talking about it. Okay.

Yeah, and nobody's talking about this amazing dental charity.

Now, that's a crime.

And I'm a criminal. Right, so I should know.

I gotta go for a second.

All right, you have a good one.

Oh! Hey, girl!

My phone is charging slow.

Is the electricity here normal electricity?

Or is it some of that low-flow eco bull?

I don't know what you're asking.

Hey. Hey.

Tamra, could, um, could we have a second alone?

Sorry, I got too many celebrity phone numbers.

I can't just be leaving my phone.

Okay. What's up?

I just, uh, I'm gonna ask you a question

and I know it's crazy.

So just humor me.

Did you have sex with Jeremy?

What? Of course not.

That's what I thought.

I mean, he gave me a backrub.

So what? That's nothing.

And then we kissed.

Oh, damn!

You kissed Jeremy? Peter, I am so sorry.

It's just Jeremy and I have been spending so much time together...

Tamra, are you recording this?

Sorry! It's just hella dramatic, though.

Please, stop! Peter!

A good smile can build confidence and self-esteem.

I myself have benefitted from a Peter?

...and teeth.

Are those teeth up for grabs?

- Yeah? - Open the door.

I hear you playing Frozen!

I hear you. I hear you.

Do you hear me?

Don't be mad. Cousin Lou took your wallet.

What? Give me that.

- Sorry. He's a thief. - I'm a thief.

Okay. Uh, Lou?

When I first started working for you dorks,

I had one mission.

To lock down that rich Indian spinster

so I'd never have to fix another printer again in my life.

I thought, "Piece of cake, Lou."

I mean, no offense, but I'm taller, I'm jacked,

I got calves that could crack walnuts.

But every time I'd start flirting with her,

she'd go on and on about how you've got such a great mouth.

You can't keep secrets, Diamond.

You gotta be open with the people you love.

I too have been harboring a secret.

Let me tell you a story.

You're already telling us a story.

Diamond, let the man speak.

Many years ago,

my cousin Morgan and I were stealing cars and the cops came.

I got caught,

but Morgan, he went free.

It was eating me up inside

that I was sitting in that jail cell rotting,

while Morgan was out there, free as a bird.

So I ratted on him and he came to jail with me.

Wait, what?

Now, aren't you happier that I finally told you the truth?

What the hell, man?

If I hadn't ratted you out,

we would have never spent two years sharing a bunky.

And now we're closer than cousins, we're best friends.

He's right.

He's right. Yeah?

Yeah. See, Diamond?

The truth will set you free.

I do not know how to play a piano.

All right, well, that was fun.

I think you guys should head out.

Take this off here. Yeah.

Why don't you guys hit the road?

We'll do it another time. Yes.

That was great. Yes, yes. Hey, remember.

The truth will set you free.

What are you doing kissing Lauren, anyway? I thought...

I thought you were gay!

I'm not gay! Why would you say that?

What do you mean, you're not gay?

Who's that old guy you were dating that took us out to dinner?

That was my father! That was your dad?

You guys have a very unreadable chemistry.

Look, I know what I did was horrible.

And yeah, you've got every right to be mad at me.

But I wanna see where things go with Lauren.

What? I like her, Peter.

And yeah, if we date, then people will raise their eyebrows.

But look at Woody and Soon Yi.

Everybody hated them at first, and now they're America's sweethearts!

So you think you can just steal my girlfriend?

You think that she would choose some fresh-off-the-boat

rando instead of me?

We'll see, won't we?

I will knock another tooth out!

You just hit me with your peas!

Careful, this tiara cost $8,000!

Can you stop filming me, please?

What, I can't film my life?

Some white slob eats fast food every day and wins an Oscar?

Come on, one of y'all throw a punch?

My phone battery's about to die.

We'll see. Yeah, we will see.

I live in that direction. I live this way.

What, are you crazy?

Your door was wide open.

What if I'd been a murderer?

Well, if you'd been a murderer,

I would have stabbed you with my knife.

Oh, God!

Oh. God, I'm so... I'm so sorry!

Great, Danny.

I probably just killed someone and I lost my best knife.

Okay. Move over, Zorro.

Zorro? Yeah.

I'm too young to understand that reference.

I don't know how we're gonna be in a relationship,

if you don't trust me.

I do trust you.

If you just shut up for a second I can prove it to you.

And you shouldn't tell your girlfriend to shut up.

It's not nice.

Okay, so I made a list.

I was once a stripper named Diamond Dan.

And I did it to pay for med school.

And the savings helped me pay off my mother's mortgage on her house.

I always told you I didn't have a middle name.

That's not true. It's Alan.

It's actually my dad's name. I just...

I just hated him so much I wanted to pretend it didn't exist.

Can I... Can I tell you one?

Sure.

I think the reason that I tell everyone about us is because...

I want it to be real.

And the more real it seems,

the less likely it is that it could all get taken away from me.

It's real.

Okay. All right.

Okay. When I was in the fourth and fifth grade,

my mother couldn't afford a backpack so...

I carried a purse to school.

Let's go inside. Okay.

Oh, my God.

Let's get out of here.

Don't go to bed yet, I wanna show you something.

I'm sleepy. I don't wanna look at your coin collection.

Whoa, Nelly!

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