All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S03E01 - We re a Couple Now, Haters! (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda).eng

If you had told me
five years ago that I,

Daniel Castellano,
would be dating Mindy Lahiri,

I would have said, "Oh, is
everyone else on the planet dead?"

I was kind of a dick back then.

Oh, my! Hey!
Oh!

Sure, there were
ups and downs.

But we finally found each other.

Can you believe it?

Me, a man that thought

that love had
forsaken him, finally...

Shut up and do me!

After years of dating
losers and sociopaths,

I'm now happily dating
the man of my dreams,

a devout Catholic divorcé with
some pretty serious dad issues.

Which, for a single, 30-something
woman, is not too shabby.

Cantaloupe?
But it hasn't been easy.

I've had to move out
of my comfort zone.

Thank you.

You okay?
Mmm.

Mmm-hmm. No, I'm good. Okay...

And Danny has
had to change, too.

Danny, please come out.

But what is a relationship
if not doing things you hate

in between sex sessions.

And speaking of sex,

I've learned that Danny gets turned
on by some pretty unusual music.

Ripped By mstoll

Yep?

Hey, Danny, can I have your
professional opinion on something?

I need someone
of your expertise.

Of course.

I was hoping you'd ask me how
to be a better doctor, Pete.

Now, what can I help you with?

I heard you're good
with your mouth.

What does that mean?

I heard you're, um...

I heard you're good
with your mouth.

What?
Mindy told me.

And as you know, I've never
given a woman an orgasm.

She says you're like a thirsty
camel at a desert oasis.

I don't know if she's
referring to a technique or...

Where's Mindy?

She's in the staff meeting
that started five minutes ago.

Better get that hot little
tongue of yours in there.

What?

Hey, what the hell?

Danny, take a seat.

Thank you for coming
to this important meeting.

Every year, I try to get
a charity initiative going.

Every year without fail,
no one wants to help me.

Okay, I don't know why
you are looking at me.

I am mad charitable.

I donated two cans of soup to
get into a Katy Perry Q and A.

This year, therefore,
I am holding

a fundraiser for
our favorite charity,

with my old college
chum, Lauren.

Hi.
Yeah!

That's my girlfriend!
Give it a twirl, girl!

- No. No, babe.
- Show everybody.

No, babe.

I so happy you're all
participating in this.

Albeit against your will.

Doctors Without Molars
provides much needed

orthodontic care to
the Third World.

What about my world?

Our PPO wouldn't cover
my colored braces,

'cause they were
"medically unnecessary."

Those cute little braces
you're always talking about?

Yeah.
Okay. That is so unfair.

I'll tell you why that happened.

Because men control health care.

And you know what else,

if there were braces
for your penis,

we would not be
in this situation.

Okay, that...

How about a charity
that helps girls

who wanna look bangable at work?

Braces for penises
is what we would call it.

That's... This is my thing.
I can't go.

I have tickets to an execution.

Mmm-hmm.

I can go, but cannot pay.

And I need someone to keep
me company while I'm there.

Dr. C, you're staring
right at me, the job is yours.

No, no, no. I was looking at
you because you were talking.

- Nevertheless, wrap it up.
- Damn it.

I'm gonna shut this
down before it spirals.

I'll see you all in
a couple of days.

Lauren's apartment.

Everybody get back to work.
Everyone get back to work.

Good meeting, though.

What are you telling everybody about me?
Everything!

You're welcome,
by the way.

I moved the router up high so
you wouldn't trip on the wire.

A pretty girl like you
shouldn't trip on a cord

and bust that
beautiful face open.

I think you have
a very nice face yourself.

You should see my calves.

Who are you?

This is Cousin Lou.

You know my Cousin Lou I'm always
talking about, and you're like,

"Morgan, no one cares."

This is him.
That's Cousin Lou?

Yeah, Dr. Reed
hired him to do IT.

You know, we get a tax credit
every time we hire an ex-con.

Well, I'm just so happy
to work at a place that allows

hunky drifters like yourself
to get a second chance.

For hopefully committing
a white collar crime?

Oh...
Oh, no, no.

But don't worry.

Morgan and I went to jail
for boosting cars.

Look, no more stealing cars.

Dr. C...
I don't...

I stayed in jail for murder.

Richard Lewis came
to entertain us.

You killed Richard Lewis?
No! No.

The guy next to me
was heckling him.

So I stabbed him.

He loves Richard Lewis.
Yes.

Okay, guys. Want to, uh, step
out and just give us a minute?

Let me say one thing.
Cousin Lou is on the market.

Can you imagine
if you married my cousin?

Thanksgivings at your house.

Christmas at your house.

Ramadan at your house.

Big month for you.
I'm not...

I'm not... I'm also not...
Well, she is Muslim.

A very devout Muslim.

I'm not. I mean,
it's fine to be. I'm just not.

You're not Muslim?
No.

Mmm.
It's okay, you know what?

I'll think about it.
I think that's a nice offer.

Okay. Look, I get it.
I'm not well read,

well-traveled, and
our family's trash.

Ooh, yeah.

But I'm a white man
who's interested in you.

Okay, we don't eat
popsicles like that here.

That's not what
I heard, homeboy.

I heard you're pretty
good with your mouth. Oh!

Why is everybody at work talking
about how I'm good with my mouth?

Oh. Because it's true.

Wait, are you mad?

Okay, Danny,

you can just tell everyone that
I'm really good with my mouth.

Eh...

How dare you?

I mean, you're okay.

You certainly thought
I was okay last night.

It was better last night.

Look, I appreciate that
you value my skills,

but I can't be open with you
if everything I say or do,

the whole office is gonna know.

But, Danny, that's who I am.

I need to be able to come into
work and say to everyone,

"Danny and I had sex on
the subway last night."

And then get everyone's
take on it...

But if this is gonna work out,
you can't be like that anymore.

Really?
Yeah.

Okay.
Yeah.

I can do that.
Sure, you could do that.

I can change the very
core of me.

Okay, come on.
Hey, you can do it.

Hmm.

Danny?

Can you show me that move you do
called the Staten Island Handshake?

Mindy says it made her pass out.

Peter, I don't think
that was me.

I think that was somebody
else who told you that.

No, you said you
thought you were gonna melt

into your duvet cover, remember?

Hmm, yeah.
That sounds like me.

Damn it. Has anyone
seen my talc?

I need it, it's humid.

Okay. Just return it,
no questions asked.

This, and what about this
catering company?

Mmm...

Ah!

Danny, do you have
any T-shirts

that are not a boy's
size medium?

If you've got it, flaunt it.

All right, well, that doesn't
really help me very much.

Oh!

Guess who kept her mouth shut all
day about our personal business?

Like, last night how when you
climaxed, you said "Whoa, Nelly!"

I am very proud of you.
Thank you.

And, as a reward,

I have some very
interesting information.

Is this boring, like all
the states' capitals?

No, you have to promise
me you won't tell anyone.

Okay, I won't tell anyone.

Wait, is this gossip?

No, I'm not gossiping.
I don't do that.

This is just me

reporting the questionable
goings on of people we know.

Okay.

So, tonight...
Yeah.

I'm leaving the office,

I'm ready to hit the gym,

not the boxing gym,
my regular gym,

because Terry at the boxing gym,

he drives a bus on Wednesdays.
Yeah.

Now, usually on Wednesdays,
I like to go...

Oh, my God. You're telling
this so badly!

I'll tell you about Terry later.
Okay.

The point is,

I saw Lauren and Jeremy alone
in the conference room,

and he was rubbing her.

He was honking her breasts?

No, he was rubbing her neck.

Whoa, Nelly.

There's something
definitely going on.

Peter's not delivering
in the bedroom,

and they're planning
this charity thing together?

I would never let my woman plan
a charity event with some guy.

I would never do it.

And I would never plan
a charity event.

Danny, that was really
good interpersonal chit-chat.

Thanks.

Except I do feel bad for Peter.

Because honestly, Lauren's the first girlfriend
he's had who I haven't wanted to kill.

Yeah, it's tough out there.

Hey, Danny?
Yeah?

Who is Diamond?

Who's Diamond what?

Uh, don't put that...
Put that back.

Don't go through
my stuff, Mindy.

I don't go through your stuff.

Don't go through my drawers.

Yeah, but I don't have pink
thongs with "Diamond" on them.

Does this belong
to your ex-girlfriend?

God, she must have
been really thin.

Don't worry about her.

Just, uh, put it back
and let's...

I don't even think I could
fit this on my arm.

Don't put it on your arm.
Just drop it.

It's okay to have things from
your ex-girlfriends. You know?

I have a box
of my ex-boyfriend's hair.

But I keep it for curses.

Okay, that's it.

That's the end
of this. Okay?

Danny, what are you doing...

I said, that's the end of that, okay?
Drop it.

Peter! Peter!

Am I being paranoid?

Last night, I found something very
disturbing in the back of Danny's dresser.

Is he wearing
eyelash extensions?

I knew it!

Those things are way too long.

The other day, one rubbed up
against the back of my ear.

Uh, no, that's not it.

This is what I found.

You know what?

Never mind. This is not something
that I need to discuss

with someone outside
of my relationship.

So, I'm just gonna
go back to my office.

And I'm going to spiral
out about it by myself.

Good for you. Oh, wait.

Before you do that, can you look
at something real quick? Okay.

I'm thinking about buying these
for Lauren, what do you think?

Peter, those are huge.

Are these really
expensive? Yes.

Did I have to divest myself from Pube's
start-up in order to afford them?

Double yes.

But, you know,
a chick like Lauren,

she comes around once in a
lifetime and I think I love her.

Don't buy those earrings.

What? Don't buy those earrings, Peter.
I beg of you.

Why?

I just feel like,

maybe Lauren doesn't feel
the same way.

About me?

No, not about you.

Not about you.

About jewelry!

She might like
a different kind of jewelry.

Okay. Like what?

Like a tiara?

Tiara, very cool.

'Cause she's my queen.
I like it.

Much more expensive,
much harder to find,

but, I'm in it for
the long haul.

Okay, well, happy
that I could help.

Hey, what's with
the stripper thong?

Stripper thong?
You know...

Snaps.

Oh, my God.

Damn it. I can picture
Danny with any one of these.

Why are you looking
at pictures of strippers?

What? How'd you know that?

I can see the reflection
in your eyes.

You're such a snoop!

God, you can't be a stripper.

I mean, you've got
the body, yeah.

But can you dance?
I don't think so.

Okay, look, shut up. Just
come in and close the door.

I tried to keep my
mouth shut the entire day

and I just made
everything worse.

I need to tell you this,

but you have to promise me
you're not gonna tell anybody.

I found this stripper thong in
the back of Danny's dresser!

And Jeremy was giving Lauren a
shoulder rub in the conference room!

A shoulder rub?

I only give a shoulder rub when I'm
expecting a you-know-what rub afterwards.

I know. I know...
A sex rub.

I know.
Sex rub.

I said... I know.

You just talked over me.

I don't wanna live in a world
where a rude schlub like Peter

can lose his woman
to a handsome, decent man.

I know!

And I don't wanna work
in a place where Dr. C

has to hide his
man's thong in his drawer.

Men's thong?

This is a men's thong.
Look at the pouch.

Right here. This is where
the wiener would go.

Hello!

Diamond Dan?

Oh, my God!

Danny is the stripper!

Thank you for
coming to Lauren's.

I'm sure everyone's having a lovely
time using their teeth tonight.

Now imagine a world where
dental care is non-existent.

I can't believe I'm missing
Sheena's tap recital for this.

Is everything all right, Tamra?

Nah, Dr. C.
Actually, it is not.

First of all, my phone
is dead, as per usual.

Secondly, I think it's
messed up that Dr. Reed

and Dr. That Lady are hooking up behind Dr.
Prentice's back.

How'd you know that?

Morgan told me.

He heard it from Dr. L.
Everybody knows.

Okay.

Hey! Hey.
I gotta talk to you!

Oh, me? Yeah.
I need to talk to you!

Get in there!
Okay, in there.

I gotta talk to you.
Okay, after you.

Get your big ass in there now.

What the hell!

Did you tell Morgan about
Jeremy and Lauren?

Did you used to be a stripper?

Uh...

Okay, we both did bad things.

Let's get back
to the party, and...

No, no, no, no.
I don't think so, pal.

I have spent the last
day and a half thinking

that you are obsessed
with an ex or worse!

It's embarrassing, okay?

I did it to pay
for medical school.

Wait, I thought you worked on a deep sea
fishing boat to pay for medical school.

I tried. I kept getting thrown from
the boat because I was too light.

Danny, you can't just shut down

because you have a secret.

Okay, look. You know
why I didn't tell you?

Because I don't trust
you with my secrets.

Why do you have so
many secrets, Danny?

You're an OB/GYN.
You're not Batman.

What the hell, man?

You said we were gonna hang out
at the party, Diamond Dan.

You're unbelievable!
I told him.

You are unbelievable!
Because I...

I'm out there talking to some
orthodontist from Xiose.

You will not have to worry about these
problems when you're a Tookers.

There's a lot of
other problems, though.

Dyslexia, alcoholism,

no short-term memory,

alcoholism.

Excuse me.

Man, so much drama
at this vagina clinic, huh?

I know, it's a real
soap opera in here.

Speaking of that, did you hear

about Lauren and Jeremy doing
it behind Peter's back?

I'm Peter.

You're Peter, too?
No, I'm that Peter.

The Peter we're
discussing right now?

Oh, man. Oh!

That is so embarrassing for me.

I'm so sorry.
No, it's...

But seriously, everybody's
talking about it. Okay.

Yeah, and nobody's talking about
this amazing dental charity.

Now, that's a crime.

And I'm a criminal.
Right, so I should know.

I gotta go for a second.

All right, you have a good one.

Oh! Hey, girl!

My phone is charging slow.

Is the electricity here
normal electricity?

Or is it some of
that low-flow eco bull?

I don't know what you're asking.

Hey.
Hey.

Tamra, could, um, could
we have a second alone?

Sorry, I got too many
celebrity phone numbers.

I can't just be
leaving my phone.

Okay.
What's up?

I just, uh,
I'm gonna ask you a question

and I know it's crazy.

So just humor me.

Did you have sex with Jeremy?

What? Of course not.

That's what I thought.

I mean, he gave me a backrub.

So what?
That's nothing.

And then we kissed.

Oh, damn!

You kissed Jeremy?
Peter, I am so sorry.

It's just Jeremy and I have been
spending so much time together...

Tamra, are you recording this?

Sorry! It's just hella
dramatic, though.

Please, stop! Peter!

A good smile can build
confidence and self-esteem.

I myself have benefitted from a
Peter?

...and teeth.

Are those teeth up for grabs?

- Yeah?
- Open the door.

I hear you playing Frozen!

I hear you. I hear you.

Do you hear me?

Don't be mad.
Cousin Lou took your wallet.

What? Give me that.

- Sorry. He's a thief.
- I'm a thief.

Okay. Uh, Lou?

When I first started
working for you dorks,

I had one mission.

To lock down that rich
Indian spinster

so I'd never have to fix another
printer again in my life.

I thought,
"Piece of cake, Lou."

I mean, no offense,
but I'm taller, I'm jacked,

I got calves that
could crack walnuts.

But every time I'd
start flirting with her,

she'd go on and on about how
you've got such a great mouth.

You can't keep secrets, Diamond.

You gotta be open
with the people you love.

I too have been
harboring a secret.

Let me tell you a story.

You're already telling
us a story.

Diamond, let the man speak.

Many years ago,

my cousin Morgan and I were
stealing cars and the cops came.

I got caught,

but Morgan, he went free.

It was eating me up inside

that I was sitting in
that jail cell rotting,

while Morgan was
out there, free as a bird.

So I ratted on him
and he came to jail with me.

Wait, what?

Now, aren't you happier that I
finally told you the truth?

What the hell, man?

If I hadn't ratted you out,

we would have never spent
two years sharing a bunky.

And now we're closer than
cousins, we're best friends.

He's right.

He's right.
Yeah?

Yeah.
See, Diamond?

The truth will set you free.

I do not know
how to play a piano.

All right, well, that was fun.

I think you guys
should head out.

Take this off here.
Yeah.

Why don't you guys hit the road?

We'll do it another time.
Yes.

That was great.
Yes, yes. Hey, remember.

The truth will set you free.

What are you doing kissing Lauren, anyway?
I thought...

I thought you were gay!

I'm not gay!
Why would you say that?

What do you mean,
you're not gay?

Who's that old guy you were dating
that took us out to dinner?

That was my father!
That was your dad?

You guys have a very
unreadable chemistry.

Look, I know what
I did was horrible.

And yeah, you've got
every right to be mad at me.

But I wanna see where
things go with Lauren.

What?
I like her, Peter.

And yeah, if we date, then people
will raise their eyebrows.

But look at Woody and Soon Yi.

Everybody hated them at first, and
now they're America's sweethearts!

So you think you can
just steal my girlfriend?

You think that she would
choose some fresh-off-the-boat

rando instead of me?

We'll see, won't we?

I will knock another tooth out!

You just hit me with your peas!

Careful, this tiara cost $8,000!

Can you stop filming me, please?

What, I can't film my life?

Some white slob eats fast food
every day and wins an Oscar?

Come on, one of y'all
throw a punch?

My phone battery's about to die.

We'll see.
Yeah, we will see.

I live in that direction.
I live this way.

What, are you crazy?

Your door was wide open.

What if I'd been a murderer?

Well, if you'd been a murderer,

I would have stabbed
you with my knife.

Oh, God!

Oh. God,
I'm so... I'm so sorry!

Great, Danny.

I probably just killed someone
and I lost my best knife.

Okay. Move over, Zorro.

Zorro?
Yeah.

I'm too young to understand
that reference.

I don't know how we're gonna
be in a relationship,

if you don't trust me.

I do trust you.

If you just shut up for a
second I can prove it to you.

And you shouldn't tell
your girlfriend to shut up.

It's not nice.

Okay, so I made a list.

I was once a stripper
named Diamond Dan.

And I did it to pay
for med school.

And the savings helped me pay off
my mother's mortgage on her house.

I always told you I didn't
have a middle name.

That's not true.
It's Alan.

It's actually
my dad's name. I just...

I just hated him so much I wanted
to pretend it didn't exist.

Can I...
Can I tell you one?

Sure.

I think the reason that I tell
everyone about us is because...

I want it to be real.

And the more real it seems,

the less likely it is that it
could all get taken away from me.

It's real.

Okay. All right.

Okay. When I was in the
fourth and fifth grade,

my mother couldn't
afford a backpack so...

I carried a purse to school.

Let's go inside.
Okay.

Oh, my God.

Let's get out of here.

Don't go to bed yet,
I wanna show you something.

I'm sleepy. I don't wanna
look at your coin collection.

Whoa, Nelly!

Ripped By mstoll