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1
00:00:01,640 --> 00:00:03,941
New York City is the best city
in the world,
2
00:00:03,942 --> 00:00:07,111
because even when your coworkers
are having an incredibly boring
3
00:00:07,112 --> 00:00:08,962
conversation about street mimes...
4
00:00:08,963 --> 00:00:10,236
Mimes don't even talk.
5
00:00:10,237 --> 00:00:15,120
You can happen upon
an interesting stranger on the subway.
6
00:00:17,660 --> 00:00:19,297
You done eye-banging that guy?
7
00:00:19,331 --> 00:00:20,934
What?
No, I wasn't.
8
00:00:20,935 --> 00:00:22,437
I haven't seen you smile this much
9
00:00:22,438 --> 00:00:24,676
since you found out you were
younger than Katie Holmes.
10
00:00:24,677 --> 00:00:26,113
That old bag.
11
00:00:26,114 --> 00:00:27,984
Speaking of age, aren't you
dating that Detective?
12
00:00:28,018 --> 00:00:30,824
Yeah, nice girls don't make eyes
at strange men on the subway.
13
00:00:30,825 --> 00:00:32,261
So you admit I'm a nice girl.
14
00:00:32,262 --> 00:00:33,898
No, but you should know
what nice girls do,
15
00:00:33,899 --> 00:00:35,636
so you can try to be more like them.
Okay.
16
00:00:35,637 --> 00:00:37,608
How would you feel
if all the guys in here
17
00:00:37,609 --> 00:00:41,517
- were eye-banging you?
- I'd love it.
18
00:00:41,551 --> 00:00:44,691
- Journalism's so important.- That's not journalism.
19
00:00:44,726 --> 00:00:46,997
Oh, my God, guys,
look at this "was it you?"
20
00:00:47,031 --> 00:00:51,174
"I was the tall, brown-haired guy
reading Salinger on the downtown 1."
21
00:00:51,175 --> 00:00:52,477
That's our train.
Wait a minute.
22
00:00:52,478 --> 00:00:55,985
"And you were the pretty Indian girl
with the voice of a cartoon mouse..."
23
00:00:55,986 --> 00:00:57,556
Me, obviously.
24
00:00:57,557 --> 00:01:01,531
"Sitting next to a frowning guy
complaining about street performers."
25
00:01:01,532 --> 00:01:03,069
Wow. We're in this.
26
00:01:03,104 --> 00:01:05,107
"I smiled at you.
You smiled back.
27
00:01:05,108 --> 00:01:07,212
My name is Andy,"
and then he put his email.
28
00:01:07,213 --> 00:01:08,883
Don't click on that.
You'll get a virus.
29
00:01:08,884 --> 00:01:11,757
Danny, this is incredible.
This is why I moved to New York City.
30
00:01:11,791 --> 00:01:13,795
Last week we were just
strangers on the subway,
31
00:01:13,796 --> 00:01:15,800
and he was reading
his Salinger, and now look.
32
00:01:15,801 --> 00:01:17,270
I had a thing with Salinger.
33
00:01:17,271 --> 00:01:20,410
He based the prostitute
in catcher in the rye on me.
34
00:01:20,445 --> 00:01:23,084
Meeting a guy from a newspaper ad...
You're gonna end up in the Post.
35
00:01:23,085 --> 00:01:25,222
"O.B. slayed by S.O.B."
36
00:01:25,223 --> 00:01:26,224
That's awesome.
Mm.
37
00:01:26,225 --> 00:01:27,561
I'm gonna email him right now.
38
00:01:27,562 --> 00:01:28,564
No, no, no, no, no.
You're not. You're not.
39
00:01:28,565 --> 00:01:30,501
You're not gonna email this guy.
40
00:01:30,502 --> 00:01:32,941
Okay, promise me you're not
gonna do anything about this.
41
00:01:32,942 --> 00:01:35,613
It's dangerous. Promise me.
Okay, okay, I promise.
42
00:01:48,145 --> 00:01:51,151
"Dear Andy,
"my name is Mindy Lahiri.
43
00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:52,856
"I think you might be talking
about me.
44
00:01:52,857 --> 00:01:54,894
"I'm attaching a picture.
45
00:01:54,895 --> 00:01:56,698
"If you're a serial killer,
I am not interested.
46
00:01:56,732 --> 00:02:00,240
"If you're a serial killer
who only murders serial killers,
47
00:02:00,241 --> 00:02:01,476
I'm very interested."
48
00:02:16,113 --> 00:02:18,049
Are you sure you don't
want to go to breakfast?
49
00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:21,157
I have an arrangement with this diner.
They let me eat for free,
50
00:02:21,158 --> 00:02:22,861
and I don't bust them
on their health-code violations.
51
00:02:22,895 --> 00:02:24,499
Wait. Then why would you
want to eat there?
52
00:02:24,533 --> 00:02:26,469
It's good.
Okay.
53
00:02:26,504 --> 00:02:27,773
I can't.
I have to go to work.
54
00:02:27,807 --> 00:02:30,146
Hate to see you leave,
but I love to look at that butt.
55
00:02:30,180 --> 00:02:32,083
No, that's not how that phrase go...
It is.
56
00:02:32,084 --> 00:02:33,888
That's how it goes.
Okay. All right.
57
00:02:33,922 --> 00:02:36,193
Bye.
Bye.
58
00:02:39,569 --> 00:02:42,174
"Dear Mindy,
to answer your question,
59
00:02:42,175 --> 00:02:44,313
"the view from my apartment
is of a Cuban coffee shop
60
00:02:44,314 --> 00:02:46,050
"that I go to almost every morning.
61
00:02:46,085 --> 00:02:48,222
"I go there because
I was starting to feel unwelcome
62
00:02:48,223 --> 00:02:49,525
at my old coffee place."
63
00:02:49,526 --> 00:02:51,964
What to order, hmm...
Seriously?
64
00:02:51,965 --> 00:02:55,600
Let's see, espresso,
macchiato, latte...
65
00:02:55,601 --> 00:02:59,178
"Plus, last time I was there,
someone threw a banana at my head.
66
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,250
Why, oh, why..."
67
00:03:00,251 --> 00:03:01,689
"Must people
throw things at me?"
68
00:03:01,690 --> 00:03:03,455
Guys, I am always saying that.
69
00:03:03,456 --> 00:03:07,359
Mindy, you have a boyfriend.
You're being emotionally unfaithful.
70
00:03:07,394 --> 00:03:10,366
I just don't like the idea of you
emailing some rando on the Internet.
71
00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:12,205
It's not safe.
I think that...
72
00:03:12,239 --> 00:03:13,775
Wait, this is your email address?
73
00:03:13,776 --> 00:03:16,248
I thought it was
mindysecondaccount@hotmail...
74
00:03:16,282 --> 00:03:18,353
Mindy, these are
the perils of online dating.
75
00:03:18,354 --> 00:03:21,126
Need I remind you all, I was
once catfished by a man with...
76
00:03:21,161 --> 00:03:23,064
No torso.
77
00:03:23,065 --> 00:03:25,971
All right, everyone back off.
Mindy's a smart person.
78
00:03:25,972 --> 00:03:28,911
- We should trust her judgment on this.
- Thank you. Danny's correct.
79
00:03:28,912 --> 00:03:31,251
I am a hot, smart woman
with an ass that doesn't quit.
80
00:03:31,285 --> 00:03:33,422
So why doesn't everyone just
trust me for once in your life?
81
00:03:33,423 --> 00:03:34,424
Trust me.
82
00:03:34,425 --> 00:03:36,898
I'm gonna find that real email.
83
00:03:41,711 --> 00:03:44,616
"Dear Mindy,
I know I'm breaking our tacit rule
84
00:03:44,651 --> 00:03:47,188
"by emailing you twice
in one day, but here's why...
85
00:03:47,223 --> 00:03:50,597
"I can't stop thinking about you.
86
00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:51,700
I think we should meet in person."
87
00:03:51,734 --> 00:03:53,805
Oh, my God.
88
00:03:53,839 --> 00:03:56,411
"Please let me know
if you're interested.
89
00:03:56,412 --> 00:03:58,850
"Oh, how I hope that you are.
90
00:03:58,851 --> 00:04:01,356
"If this correspondence
has even the slightest chance
91
00:04:01,357 --> 00:04:03,328
"of changing our lives forever,
92
00:04:03,329 --> 00:04:06,201
don't you think we owe it
to ourselves to explore it?"
93
00:04:06,202 --> 00:04:07,571
"I do.
94
00:04:07,572 --> 00:04:09,776
"I have a good feeling
about you, Mindy Lahiri.
95
00:04:09,777 --> 00:04:12,683
Sincerely, Andy."
96
00:04:17,032 --> 00:04:19,735
"Dear Andy,
my name is Morgan Tookers.
97
00:04:19,736 --> 00:04:21,807
"It has come to my attention
that you've struck up
98
00:04:21,808 --> 00:04:23,377
"a 'romantical' email correspondence
99
00:04:23,378 --> 00:04:24,580
"with Mindy Lahiri.
100
00:04:24,615 --> 00:04:25,950
"She is my best friend.
101
00:04:25,951 --> 00:04:28,022
"If you hurt her, I will end you.
102
00:04:28,056 --> 00:04:30,729
"Sent from my smartphone,
which I have...
103
00:04:30,730 --> 00:04:32,566
Case, charger, everything."
104
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,784
Dr. C?
105
00:04:39,785 --> 00:04:43,091
"Hey, Andy. I'm a little worried
how I came off in that.
106
00:04:43,126 --> 00:04:45,230
"I mean, I don't really
have a smartphone.
107
00:04:45,264 --> 00:04:46,935
Love, Morgan."
108
00:04:51,446 --> 00:04:53,283
You're gonna meet
this Internet weirdo?
109
00:04:53,284 --> 00:04:54,954
You can't until you talk to Charlie.
110
00:04:54,988 --> 00:04:57,326
Peter, why are you wearing that?
111
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:58,595
It's the same weight as Henry,
112
00:04:58,630 --> 00:04:59,799
my girlfriend's baby.
113
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,536
I want to get used
to carrying him around.
114
00:05:01,537 --> 00:05:03,474
I tried it
with a rotisserie chicken...
115
00:05:03,475 --> 00:05:04,777
Ate the whole thing immediately.
116
00:05:04,812 --> 00:05:08,152
I think that Lauren,
if she is even real,
117
00:05:08,153 --> 00:05:09,990
is going to be very scared
off by all of this.
118
00:05:10,024 --> 00:05:12,896
She will not be scared off,
because we are open and honest
119
00:05:12,897 --> 00:05:14,468
with each other about everything.
120
00:05:14,469 --> 00:05:16,005
She knows I'm an HPV carrier.
121
00:05:16,006 --> 00:05:18,243
She knows I've never
given a woman an orgasm.
122
00:05:18,244 --> 00:05:19,646
Oh, God, yuck.
Okay.
123
00:05:19,681 --> 00:05:21,551
I think honesty is super important.
124
00:05:21,552 --> 00:05:22,854
Don't you, Dr. C?
125
00:05:22,888 --> 00:05:24,090
Yeah, sure.
126
00:05:24,125 --> 00:05:25,193
Mm-hmm.
127
00:05:25,228 --> 00:05:26,730
I will tell Charlie tonight.
128
00:05:26,765 --> 00:05:28,735
I'm having dinner with him anyway.
129
00:05:28,736 --> 00:05:32,912
Thank you.
Shh. It's okay.
130
00:05:35,452 --> 00:05:37,891
"Dear Mindy, how about dinner tonight?
131
00:05:37,925 --> 00:05:40,263
Love, Andy."
132
00:05:40,264 --> 00:05:41,366
"Love."
133
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,571
"I can meet you tonight,
but not for dinner."
134
00:05:43,605 --> 00:05:45,776
Oh, really?
135
00:05:45,811 --> 00:05:48,182
"Why? What are you doing
during dinnertime?
136
00:05:48,183 --> 00:05:49,318
Do you have a boyfriend?"
137
00:05:49,353 --> 00:05:50,387
Okay.
138
00:05:50,421 --> 00:05:51,857
"I don't have a boyfriend.
139
00:05:51,858 --> 00:05:53,227
"I am seeing someone tonight,
140
00:05:53,261 --> 00:05:55,065
but we could meet for a drink after."
141
00:05:55,100 --> 00:05:56,335
Yes.
142
00:05:56,370 --> 00:05:57,371
Hey, Dr. Castellano.
143
00:05:57,372 --> 00:05:58,807
What's up?
144
00:05:58,842 --> 00:06:00,946
Or should I say,
"Dr. Andy make believe"?
145
00:06:00,980 --> 00:06:03,218
How'd you find out?
146
00:06:03,219 --> 00:06:04,822
How did you find out?
147
00:06:04,857 --> 00:06:06,659
Because I'm smarter
than you may have "thoughten."
148
00:06:06,694 --> 00:06:08,231
No, keep your voice down.
Why?
149
00:06:08,232 --> 00:06:09,533
Okay, I'll be honest with you, Morgan.
150
00:06:09,534 --> 00:06:11,538
I'm gonna be honest with you, okay?
Okay.
151
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,510
Mindy and I dated in secret,
and I broke up with her,
152
00:06:13,511 --> 00:06:14,646
and I've regretted it ever since.
153
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:15,948
Dr. L?
Yeah.
154
00:06:15,983 --> 00:06:17,653
From work?
155
00:06:17,687 --> 00:06:19,490
The Indian doctor
whose ass won't quit?
156
00:06:19,491 --> 00:06:20,527
Yes! Yes!
157
00:06:20,561 --> 00:06:21,662
I'm sorry, wait, wait, wait.
158
00:06:21,663 --> 00:06:22,664
You dated her?
159
00:06:22,666 --> 00:06:24,169
Okay, look, I tried to get her back,
160
00:06:24,170 --> 00:06:25,572
and she just wouldn't have it.
161
00:06:25,606 --> 00:06:27,444
So what I did is I created this guy
162
00:06:27,445 --> 00:06:28,579
that she would like,
163
00:06:28,580 --> 00:06:30,016
so maybe she would
fall in love with him
164
00:06:30,017 --> 00:06:31,861
and then realize she was
still in love with me.
165
00:06:31,888 --> 00:06:33,024
Morgan, you can't tell her.
166
00:06:33,058 --> 00:06:34,193
You got to promise me.
167
00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:36,098
Ha, why would I help you
with your love life
168
00:06:36,132 --> 00:06:37,367
when you destroyed mine?
169
00:06:37,402 --> 00:06:39,606
You know I bought Tamra a ring?
A ring?
170
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:40,775
Tone.
171
00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:42,813
A ringtone.
172
00:06:42,814 --> 00:06:45,018
It was monster mash.
It was our song.
173
00:06:45,054 --> 00:06:47,358
It's my song.
She hates it.
174
00:06:47,392 --> 00:06:49,162
Morgan, if you promise
not to tell Mindy,
175
00:06:49,163 --> 00:06:52,470
I think I can help you out with this.
176
00:06:52,505 --> 00:06:54,375
Look,
when I told you not to date Morgan,
177
00:06:54,376 --> 00:06:56,614
I was projecting on you, Tamra,
178
00:06:56,648 --> 00:07:01,909
because of my feelings for Dr. Lahiri.
179
00:07:01,910 --> 00:07:03,012
Oh!
180
00:07:03,047 --> 00:07:04,616
Then why'd you make me apologize?
181
00:07:04,650 --> 00:07:05,752
Eh, it was fun.
182
00:07:05,787 --> 00:07:06,788
It's fun.
183
00:07:06,789 --> 00:07:08,492
So you and Dr. L, huh?
Yeah.
184
00:07:08,493 --> 00:07:09,828
I guess it works.
185
00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:11,433
Y'all are both old like Katie Holmes.
Mm-hmm.
186
00:07:11,434 --> 00:07:12,969
So where are you gonna take her
when you finally meet her?
187
00:07:13,004 --> 00:07:14,206
It's perfect...
I'm taking her
188
00:07:14,207 --> 00:07:15,743
to one of those gastropub places
she likes so much.
189
00:07:15,777 --> 00:07:17,280
That's where losers like us go.
190
00:07:17,281 --> 00:07:18,483
What do you mean?
191
00:07:18,517 --> 00:07:20,788
You got to make meeting
Dr. L the perfect moment.
192
00:07:20,789 --> 00:07:22,559
She's always talking
about the empire state building.
193
00:07:22,594 --> 00:07:24,163
That's a great idea.
194
00:07:24,198 --> 00:07:26,168
What idea?
I was complaining.
195
00:07:26,169 --> 00:07:28,139
Okay, what are you wearing?
196
00:07:28,140 --> 00:07:30,177
Actually, who are you wearing?
197
00:07:30,178 --> 00:07:31,514
I'm wearing this.
Uh-uh.
198
00:07:31,548 --> 00:07:33,352
You need to dress like
one of those guys she likes,
199
00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:34,588
like Bradley Cooper.
200
00:07:34,623 --> 00:07:36,126
Who's Bradley Cooper?
201
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:39,199
So, Charlie, I wanted to talk
to you about something.
202
00:07:39,234 --> 00:07:40,669
I really like dating you.
203
00:07:40,704 --> 00:07:42,073
But you have feelings for another guy,
204
00:07:42,074 --> 00:07:43,376
someone you don't know very well,
205
00:07:43,377 --> 00:07:44,646
but you want to explore,
206
00:07:44,647 --> 00:07:46,283
and you think telling me
is the right thing to do.
207
00:07:46,317 --> 00:07:47,753
Oh, my God.
208
00:07:47,754 --> 00:07:49,558
You're, like, an amazing Detective.
209
00:07:49,592 --> 00:07:51,362
I read your phone
when you were in the bathroom.
210
00:07:51,363 --> 00:07:53,333
And you got to go easy
on the selfies, by the way.
211
00:07:53,334 --> 00:07:54,603
Oh, my God.
212
00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:56,207
Look, I-I've been around
long enough to know
213
00:07:56,241 --> 00:07:57,324
when not to get in the way.
214
00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:59,181
If you love something, set it free.
215
00:07:59,215 --> 00:08:01,186
Relax.
I don't love you.
216
00:08:01,220 --> 00:08:03,324
I like you, but you snore,
217
00:08:03,325 --> 00:08:06,064
and I'm pretty sure you took
$20 off my nightstand.
218
00:08:06,098 --> 00:08:07,784
I believe I earned that money back
219
00:08:07,785 --> 00:08:09,220
I did later that night.
220
00:08:09,255 --> 00:08:11,493
You're describing yourself
as a prostitute again.
221
00:08:11,528 --> 00:08:13,230
You got to stop that.
I know, I know.
222
00:08:13,265 --> 00:08:15,436
The point is I'm not gonna
get in the way.
223
00:08:15,437 --> 00:08:16,772
And a word of advice...
224
00:08:16,773 --> 00:08:18,644
Don't let that guy from work
get in the way either.
225
00:08:18,645 --> 00:08:20,247
Morgan... he's a huge time-suck.
You're right.
226
00:08:20,282 --> 00:08:21,417
No, not him.
227
00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:23,856
The rich kid from Staten island,
little one.
228
00:08:23,890 --> 00:08:25,059
Yeah, Danny.
229
00:08:25,094 --> 00:08:26,429
Right.
That's good advice.
230
00:08:26,464 --> 00:08:28,901
Thank you for understanding.
231
00:08:28,902 --> 00:08:29,903
My advice to you...
232
00:08:29,905 --> 00:08:32,811
Nah, I'm good.
233
00:08:36,354 --> 00:08:37,555
You're killing me, Bradley Cooper.
234
00:08:37,556 --> 00:08:39,627
What is this, a 20-piece suit?
235
00:08:43,037 --> 00:08:45,676
Oh, hello. Who's ready for their
hot date tonight with Andy?
236
00:08:45,677 --> 00:08:47,647
Hey, um, I need your help.
237
00:08:47,648 --> 00:08:49,251
I actually was trying
to spit out some gum,
238
00:08:49,252 --> 00:08:50,654
and I spat it right in my hair.
239
00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:51,891
I need you to cut it out for me.
240
00:08:51,925 --> 00:08:53,929
Uh, no, I can't do that right now.
241
00:08:53,930 --> 00:08:55,165
I'm really busy.
242
00:08:55,199 --> 00:08:56,535
What do you mean you're busy?
Doing what?
243
00:08:56,569 --> 00:08:57,738
I'm busy.
244
00:08:57,739 --> 00:08:59,408
I'm very, very, very busy right now.
245
00:08:59,443 --> 00:09:00,611
What are you talking about?
You're never busy.
246
00:09:00,646 --> 00:09:02,215
I'm buzzing up.
You're what?
247
00:09:02,249 --> 00:09:03,652
I'm actually downstairs.
I'm gonna come up.
248
00:09:03,686 --> 00:09:05,857
I'm being intimate with myself.
249
00:09:05,891 --> 00:09:07,260
You're masturbating?
250
00:09:07,295 --> 00:09:09,065
Julianna Margulies is on TV right now.
251
00:09:09,066 --> 00:09:10,235
I'm watching the good wife.
252
00:09:10,269 --> 00:09:11,571
You're helping me.
I'm coming up.
253
00:09:11,605 --> 00:09:12,741
Don't do this right now, Mindy.
Don't...
254
00:09:12,742 --> 00:09:13,744
Bye.
Okay, bye.
255
00:09:21,897 --> 00:09:24,469
Screw you, Bradley Cooper.
256
00:09:24,504 --> 00:09:25,505
Ahh.
257
00:09:25,506 --> 00:09:26,875
No.
I didn't do anything.
258
00:09:26,876 --> 00:09:28,178
Okay.
Keep still.
259
00:09:28,179 --> 00:09:29,848
Ow.
That didn't hurt.
260
00:09:29,883 --> 00:09:31,318
Ow.
Okay, here you go.
261
00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:32,688
Wow.
Stop chewing gum.
262
00:09:32,689 --> 00:09:33,758
You're not ten years old.
263
00:09:33,759 --> 00:09:35,195
Or carry scissors around with you.
264
00:09:35,229 --> 00:09:37,032
Thank you, Danny.
Okay, let's do it.
265
00:09:37,067 --> 00:09:38,402
Time to go.
266
00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:40,174
It's a quarter of, and, you know,
267
00:09:40,175 --> 00:09:41,677
I'm getting real tired,
268
00:09:41,678 --> 00:09:43,549
and I'm getting anxious to do
my nighttime rituals, so...
269
00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:45,219
Well, then start your rituals, jeez.
270
00:09:45,220 --> 00:09:46,221
I'm not leaving.
271
00:09:46,255 --> 00:09:47,725
I can't be early to see Andy.
272
00:09:47,726 --> 00:09:49,563
He's gonna think I'm a loser.
What?
273
00:09:49,597 --> 00:09:51,868
Well, you better get
out there and go meet him.
274
00:09:51,902 --> 00:09:53,899
You move like a glacier.
275
00:09:53,907 --> 00:09:55,343
First of all,
stop calling me a glacier.
276
00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:57,048
We both know I'm tiny.
277
00:09:57,082 --> 00:09:58,585
Besides, glaciers don't move.
278
00:09:58,586 --> 00:09:59,821
Global warming's a hoax.
279
00:09:59,856 --> 00:10:00,923
Sorry about that.
280
00:10:00,924 --> 00:10:02,193
You know what, Danny?
281
00:10:02,228 --> 00:10:04,833
I hate to admit it,
but you were right.
282
00:10:04,868 --> 00:10:05,969
Right about what?
283
00:10:05,970 --> 00:10:07,239
I'm right about a lot of things.
284
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,408
About us.
285
00:10:08,443 --> 00:10:11,682
You were right about us
not being together.
286
00:10:11,717 --> 00:10:13,220
I mean, at first it was tough.
287
00:10:13,221 --> 00:10:16,443
It was really tough.
But I remembered something that you said.
288
00:10:16,477 --> 00:10:19,083
You said that guys
don't break up with girls
289
00:10:19,084 --> 00:10:20,553
they secretly want to be with.
290
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:24,462
And then I knew for certain
that you didn't want me.
291
00:10:24,496 --> 00:10:26,567
And then it was...
It was fine, though,
292
00:10:26,601 --> 00:10:27,970
because I learned in time
293
00:10:27,971 --> 00:10:30,209
that, you know, you weren't
right for me either.
294
00:10:30,244 --> 00:10:33,952
We are who we are,
and that won't change.
295
00:10:33,986 --> 00:10:36,925
Hey, you drowning?
296
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:38,964
No, I-I'm here.
297
00:10:38,965 --> 00:10:40,501
Okay, I left a huge mess.
298
00:10:40,502 --> 00:10:42,306
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Thank you.
299
00:11:17,259 --> 00:11:18,828
Hey, bets, where's Mindy?
It's 10:00.
300
00:11:18,863 --> 00:11:20,132
Oh, you didn't hear?
301
00:11:20,133 --> 00:11:21,835
She got stood up
at the empire state building
302
00:11:21,836 --> 00:11:23,599
last night, and she caught
a really bad cold.
303
00:11:23,608 --> 00:11:24,608
What?
304
00:11:24,610 --> 00:11:26,146
Andy stood her up?
305
00:11:26,181 --> 00:11:27,884
Why would he do that?
306
00:11:27,918 --> 00:11:29,154
I just checked
the forecast for last night
307
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:32,194
and saw that it was freezing
with a chance of rain.
308
00:11:32,228 --> 00:11:33,831
How would you like that,
Dr. Castellano,
309
00:11:33,865 --> 00:11:37,574
to be stood up in freezing
and a chance of rain?
310
00:11:37,608 --> 00:11:41,683
I know, I mean, maybe
this guy had a good reason, I...
311
00:11:41,718 --> 00:11:45,125
Danny, don't come near me.
I'm sick and disgusting.
312
00:11:45,159 --> 00:11:46,696
You know, when a Castellano gets sick,
313
00:11:46,697 --> 00:11:48,667
which almost never happens,
314
00:11:48,668 --> 00:11:51,240
the only thing that makes us
feel better is two things...
315
00:11:51,241 --> 00:11:52,944
A bowl of chicken noodle zuppa
316
00:11:52,978 --> 00:11:54,615
and, my friend,
317
00:11:54,649 --> 00:11:56,252
the Guinness Book
of World Records.
318
00:11:56,286 --> 00:11:57,555
Whoa.
319
00:11:57,556 --> 00:11:59,627
Oh, from 1983.
320
00:11:59,661 --> 00:12:01,832
Yeah.
There's an inscription.
321
00:12:01,867 --> 00:12:04,773
"Dear Daniel, congrats
on your dance recital"...
322
00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:06,978
Okay, let's read that later.
323
00:12:06,979 --> 00:12:08,816
Okay.
Mindy...
324
00:12:08,850 --> 00:12:11,656
I need to talk to you
about something...
325
00:12:12,793 --> 00:12:13,995
About Andy.
326
00:12:14,029 --> 00:12:15,465
I know.
You don't have to say it.
327
00:12:15,466 --> 00:12:17,637
It was so stupid that I went.
328
00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:19,007
I just thought it would be cool.
329
00:12:19,008 --> 00:12:20,277
I'm the lamest lame-o.
330
00:12:20,311 --> 00:12:21,447
No, no, no, you're not lame.
331
00:12:21,448 --> 00:12:23,117
Look, let me just...
Let me just finish...
332
00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:25,355
No, let me finish.
You're gonna want to hear what I have to say.
333
00:12:25,390 --> 00:12:26,659
Okay, but I should've just
stayed at your place last night
334
00:12:26,660 --> 00:12:27,694
and hung out with you.
335
00:12:27,695 --> 00:12:29,332
That would've been so much more fun.
336
00:12:29,366 --> 00:12:31,136
Do you think you can stay now?
337
00:12:31,170 --> 00:12:32,539
Please, Danny!
338
00:12:32,574 --> 00:12:33,576
Please!
339
00:12:33,577 --> 00:12:35,279
We can do any boring thing you want.
340
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:36,583
We can read encyclopedias.
341
00:12:36,617 --> 00:12:38,086
You can talk about Walter Cronkite.
342
00:12:38,121 --> 00:12:39,858
We can watch c-span.
343
00:12:39,892 --> 00:12:41,093
Okay, I'll stay.
344
00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:42,230
You will?
But you're sick.
345
00:12:42,231 --> 00:12:44,000
Let's watch whatever
you want to watch.
346
00:12:44,001 --> 00:12:47,475
How about this?
When Harry met Sally.
347
00:12:47,476 --> 00:12:49,781
I'll order whatever
gave her an orgasm.
348
00:12:49,816 --> 00:12:52,755
You paraphrased one of the most
famous lines pretty well.
349
00:12:52,790 --> 00:12:54,459
That was impressive.
Oh, thanks.
350
00:12:54,460 --> 00:12:55,962
This is so much fun.
351
00:12:55,997 --> 00:12:57,734
Okay, you know
who directed this, right?
352
00:12:57,768 --> 00:12:59,271
Meathead.
353
00:12:59,305 --> 00:13:00,674
Hmm, I always thought
354
00:13:00,675 --> 00:13:02,044
that Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal
355
00:13:02,045 --> 00:13:03,079
directed this together.
356
00:13:03,114 --> 00:13:04,483
That's not how movies work.
357
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:06,454
God, you know so much about film.
358
00:13:06,489 --> 00:13:08,560
It's really cool.
Thanks.
359
00:13:11,836 --> 00:13:14,508
Sometimes it's
hard to do the right thing,
360
00:13:14,509 --> 00:13:17,782
especially when you really,
really don't want to.
361
00:13:17,783 --> 00:13:20,388
But maybe it's okay.
362
00:13:20,423 --> 00:13:23,229
Anyone can say, "I'm sorry,
Mindy, for catfishing you
363
00:13:23,230 --> 00:13:25,200
with the man of your dreams."
364
00:13:25,201 --> 00:13:27,239
It takes a real man
to march around Manhattan
365
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:31,515
visiting every place
Meg Ryan ever laugh-cried.
366
00:13:31,516 --> 00:13:33,988
And I get to see New York
through her eyes.
367
00:13:33,989 --> 00:13:36,828
And, man, was it white.
368
00:13:36,829 --> 00:13:39,100
But it wasn't so bad.
It was kind of nice.
369
00:13:39,101 --> 00:13:42,742
And I got to show her
a little bit of my New York.
370
00:13:42,743 --> 00:13:45,215
And I think she liked it.
371
00:13:45,216 --> 00:13:48,723
Until one day,
Andy was a distant memory.
372
00:13:50,395 --> 00:13:52,132
Danny, I can't wait to die.
373
00:13:52,133 --> 00:13:54,571
My funeral is going
to be off the chain.
374
00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:56,241
There's gonna be a signature cocktail.
375
00:13:56,242 --> 00:13:57,912
My ashes will be around the rim.
376
00:13:57,947 --> 00:13:59,416
Ashes? You're not getting cremated.
377
00:13:59,417 --> 00:14:02,824
St. Peter doesn't want a pile
of dust in the pearly gates,
378
00:14:02,825 --> 00:14:04,094
and I'm gonna have to vouch for you.
379
00:14:04,095 --> 00:14:05,096
Hmm.
380
00:14:05,097 --> 00:14:06,733
But I will.
381
00:14:06,767 --> 00:14:07,803
You will?
382
00:14:07,837 --> 00:14:09,373
Yeah.
383
00:14:09,374 --> 00:14:12,447
You know, I'm gonna be real
connected up there, trust me.
384
00:14:12,481 --> 00:14:14,051
Do you want to go get breakfast
385
00:14:14,052 --> 00:14:15,455
and be late for work?
386
00:14:15,489 --> 00:14:17,392
Yeah.
387
00:14:19,766 --> 00:14:20,767
Oh, my God.
388
00:14:20,801 --> 00:14:22,739
It's him.
Oh, no.
389
00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:25,979
God, you son of a bitch!
I waited for hours for you!
390
00:14:25,980 --> 00:14:27,316
I looked like such an idiot!
391
00:14:27,350 --> 00:14:28,552
Why you hit me?
392
00:14:28,587 --> 00:14:30,391
I left my country to escape this.
393
00:14:30,425 --> 00:14:32,061
You wish you were a refugee!
394
00:14:32,062 --> 00:14:33,331
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, no.
395
00:14:33,332 --> 00:14:34,501
That's not Andy, okay?
396
00:14:34,502 --> 00:14:35,736
What?
What are you talking about?
397
00:14:35,737 --> 00:14:38,310
Then who's Andy?
398
00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:39,546
Me.
399
00:14:39,547 --> 00:14:41,350
What?
400
00:14:41,351 --> 00:14:43,055
Come on, Mindy, just listen to me!
401
00:14:43,056 --> 00:14:45,226
You created a fake person
for me to fall in love with?
402
00:14:45,261 --> 00:14:46,362
Mindy.
403
00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:47,765
I mean, Danny, who did
I mail my underwear to?
404
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,102
I can't believe you!
405
00:14:49,103 --> 00:14:50,772
Damn it, Mindy, just listen to me.
406
00:14:50,773 --> 00:14:52,109
Go to hell!
407
00:14:54,383 --> 00:14:56,587
Get out, rapist!
I could've been naked.
408
00:14:56,622 --> 00:14:58,424
I need to explain something to you.
409
00:14:58,459 --> 00:14:59,595
Explain what...
410
00:14:59,629 --> 00:15:01,264
That I slapped
some grad student from Europe?
411
00:15:01,265 --> 00:15:02,534
He's gonna go back
to his country and say,
412
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:04,439
"in America, hot girls can
just do whatever they want."
413
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:05,743
That's a bad message, Danny.
414
00:15:05,744 --> 00:15:07,413
What were you even trying to do?
415
00:15:07,414 --> 00:15:09,117
I thought I was being romantic, okay?
416
00:15:09,118 --> 00:15:11,088
You'd get to the top
of the empire state building
417
00:15:11,089 --> 00:15:13,127
and see it was me,
and everything would be okay.
418
00:15:13,128 --> 00:15:16,502
That is the stupidest thing
I have ever heard.
419
00:15:16,536 --> 00:15:17,738
You're a liar.
420
00:15:17,739 --> 00:15:20,511
You/Andy made me break up
with Charlie.
421
00:15:20,546 --> 00:15:21,547
Okay.
422
00:15:21,548 --> 00:15:22,717
And then he stood me up
423
00:15:22,718 --> 00:15:24,955
at my favorite place
in the entire world.
424
00:15:24,956 --> 00:15:26,225
I didn't want to tell you
425
00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:28,229
because I knew...
I knew this would happen.
426
00:15:28,230 --> 00:15:30,903
I knew it would push you away.
427
00:15:30,904 --> 00:15:32,139
I love you.
428
00:15:33,544 --> 00:15:35,146
Mindy, I love you.
429
00:15:35,147 --> 00:15:36,717
I want to be with you.
Look at me.
430
00:15:36,718 --> 00:15:38,855
I want to be with you.
I don't believe you.
431
00:15:38,889 --> 00:15:40,493
Yes, you do.
I don't believe you.
432
00:15:40,494 --> 00:15:43,901
Why? Because you love me
until you don't, okay?
433
00:15:45,238 --> 00:15:46,574
I'm not gonna do that again.
434
00:15:46,575 --> 00:15:48,379
I want something real, Danny.
435
00:15:48,380 --> 00:15:51,085
This is real.
436
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,522
It's real.
437
00:15:52,523 --> 00:15:54,894
I can prove it to you.
438
00:15:54,895 --> 00:15:56,197
Tonight, 8:00,
439
00:15:56,198 --> 00:15:57,801
meet me on the top
of the empire state building.
440
00:15:57,802 --> 00:15:58,871
I don't care if you say no.
441
00:15:58,872 --> 00:16:00,106
I will wait all night for you.
442
00:16:00,107 --> 00:16:01,911
Please, please, please,
443
00:16:01,912 --> 00:16:04,150
just give me another chance.
444
00:16:04,151 --> 00:16:05,820
I can't go.
Why?
445
00:16:05,821 --> 00:16:07,425
Because I have plans.
446
00:16:07,459 --> 00:16:09,095
To do what?
447
00:16:09,096 --> 00:16:12,102
To not be the stupidest person
in the world.
448
00:16:24,836 --> 00:16:26,973
Dr. L?
Mm-hmm?
449
00:16:26,974 --> 00:16:28,645
Can you close your eyes?
I think I have something
450
00:16:28,646 --> 00:16:30,248
that's gonna make you feel
a little bit better.
451
00:16:30,283 --> 00:16:32,822
Please let it be beer.
I've had the worst day.
452
00:16:32,856 --> 00:16:34,091
Open 'em!
453
00:16:34,125 --> 00:16:36,262
My coworkers?
This sucks.
454
00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:38,201
Danny pretending
to be another man to woo you
455
00:16:38,202 --> 00:16:40,741
was ill-advised and illegal, actually.
456
00:16:40,742 --> 00:16:42,177
If you could just sign this waiver
457
00:16:42,178 --> 00:16:44,014
saying you're not gonna
sue the practice,
458
00:16:44,049 --> 00:16:45,051
it would really help me out.
459
00:16:45,052 --> 00:16:46,053
Constantly signing waivers.
460
00:16:46,054 --> 00:16:47,289
Perfect.
Thank you.
461
00:16:47,290 --> 00:16:49,963
Oh, and, uh, yeah, he loves you.
462
00:16:49,997 --> 00:16:52,135
He does not love me.
He loves to ruin my life.
463
00:16:52,169 --> 00:16:54,173
No, come on, you have to go meet him.
464
00:16:54,174 --> 00:16:55,676
He's in love with you.
465
00:16:55,711 --> 00:16:57,615
He laughs at all of your jokes,
and let's be honest,
466
00:16:57,649 --> 00:16:59,051
comedy is not your strong suit.
467
00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:00,154
I'm hilarious.
468
00:17:00,188 --> 00:17:03,161
You're being so stupid.
Come here.
469
00:17:03,196 --> 00:17:04,364
I'm being stupid?
Ow!
470
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:05,801
My hair!
This is for your own good.
471
00:17:05,835 --> 00:17:07,137
It's the only way she's gonna learn.
472
00:17:07,172 --> 00:17:08,474
Tough love.
Everyone out.
473
00:17:08,508 --> 00:17:09,543
I'm gonna need another form.
474
00:17:09,578 --> 00:17:10,746
Ow!
475
00:17:10,747 --> 00:17:12,016
I don't like that you make me do this.
476
00:17:12,017 --> 00:17:13,252
I have, like, three hairs left.
477
00:17:13,253 --> 00:17:14,455
Why do you do this?
478
00:17:14,456 --> 00:17:15,992
I was in here
rooting around Danny's desk
479
00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:17,696
trying to find some stamps to steal,
480
00:17:17,697 --> 00:17:19,668
when I found this.
481
00:17:19,702 --> 00:17:22,541
Great, Peter, a picture
of Danny and his brother,
482
00:17:22,576 --> 00:17:23,911
a picture of some old hot guy,
483
00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:25,248
Mardi Gras beads,
484
00:17:25,282 --> 00:17:26,618
and some trashy skank's earrings.
485
00:17:26,652 --> 00:17:27,652
Wait.
486
00:17:27,654 --> 00:17:29,290
Oh, my God, Peter.
487
00:17:29,291 --> 00:17:31,128
These are my earrings.
488
00:17:31,163 --> 00:17:32,532
Yeah, you're that trashy skank.
489
00:17:32,533 --> 00:17:34,637
One time I came in here, and he
was staring at those things.
490
00:17:34,638 --> 00:17:37,744
So either he's thinking
about becoming a woman,
491
00:17:37,778 --> 00:17:39,062
or he's obviously in love with you.
492
00:17:39,082 --> 00:17:41,286
Okay. All right.
I'm gonna go.
493
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,324
Thank you, Peter.
494
00:17:46,132 --> 00:17:47,836
The elevators are temporarily down.
495
00:17:47,870 --> 00:17:49,005
Can you wait?
496
00:17:49,039 --> 00:17:50,341
I absolutely cannot wait.
497
00:17:50,376 --> 00:17:52,079
I'm meeting maybe the love of my life.
498
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:55,187
All right, well, you would have
to take the stairs 104 floors.
499
00:17:55,221 --> 00:17:56,557
I can talk to him tomorrow.
500
00:17:56,558 --> 00:17:58,060
Didn't you say he was
the love of your life?
501
00:17:58,061 --> 00:18:00,232
Oh, God.
Damn it, Danny!
502
00:18:00,233 --> 00:18:02,911
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
503
00:18:06,682 --> 00:18:08,925
Huh, I guess they're working already.
504
00:18:08,954 --> 00:18:10,857
Well, I think we earned
our sangria tonight.
505
00:18:10,858 --> 00:18:12,094
By the way, I don't have any money,
506
00:18:12,095 --> 00:18:13,397
so I'm just gonna eat the fruit.
507
00:18:13,398 --> 00:18:14,734
We?
Me earned the sangria.
508
00:18:14,735 --> 00:18:15,970
What the nips?
509
00:18:19,613 --> 00:18:21,550
Why aren't you
at the emperor's state building?
510
00:18:21,584 --> 00:18:23,087
I went.
I stayed for an hour.
511
00:18:23,088 --> 00:18:24,423
She was a no-show.
512
00:18:24,458 --> 00:18:26,803
Dude, she's on her way
to meet you there right now.
513
00:18:26,831 --> 00:18:27,971
Wait.
She went?
514
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,002
Yes, Danny!
Yes!
515
00:18:29,003 --> 00:18:30,170
And now she's gonna
516
00:18:30,205 --> 00:18:32,309
get stood up there by you
for a second time.
517
00:18:32,310 --> 00:18:33,312
But don't go.
518
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:34,715
Go back in, have another slice.
519
00:18:34,750 --> 00:18:37,288
Hell, get a whole pie.
520
00:18:37,289 --> 00:18:38,591
Which way's the empire state building?
521
00:18:38,625 --> 00:18:39,827
That way!
522
00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:41,097
Aren't you from here?
523
00:18:47,681 --> 00:18:49,317
♪ I get up in the evening ♪
524
00:18:49,318 --> 00:18:51,121
Excuse me.
Sorry.
525
00:18:51,156 --> 00:18:53,828
♪ And I ain't got nothing to say ♪
526
00:18:53,829 --> 00:18:57,403
♪ I come home in the morning ♪
527
00:18:57,404 --> 00:18:59,609
♪ I go to bed ♪ whoa!
528
00:18:59,610 --> 00:19:00,878
Man, what are you doing?
Be careful!
529
00:19:00,913 --> 00:19:02,248
Just open up your door...
530
00:19:05,123 --> 00:19:07,427
Hey, are you all right?
531
00:19:07,428 --> 00:19:09,232
You stepped out right in front of that car.
No, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.
532
00:19:09,266 --> 00:19:10,969
Okay, show's over, guys.
533
00:19:10,970 --> 00:19:12,439
Show's over.
534
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:13,440
♪ Can't start a fire ♪
535
00:19:15,314 --> 00:19:19,088
♪ You can't start a fire
without a spark ♪
536
00:19:19,089 --> 00:19:21,595
♪ This gun's for hire ♪
537
00:19:21,629 --> 00:19:23,198
How you doing?
538
00:19:23,233 --> 00:19:24,769
♪ Even if we're just
dancing in the dark ♪
539
00:19:34,093 --> 00:19:35,562
Mindy!
540
00:19:37,735 --> 00:19:39,872
Mindy!
541
00:19:43,315 --> 00:19:45,486
Mindy!
542
00:19:58,418 --> 00:20:00,923
I'm sorry, Mindy.
543
00:20:17,965 --> 00:20:22,074
♪ Who's gonna tell you when ♪
544
00:20:22,075 --> 00:20:25,182
♪ It's too late? ♪
545
00:20:29,393 --> 00:20:33,434
♪ Who's gonna tell you things ♪
546
00:20:33,435 --> 00:20:37,779
♪ Aren't so great? ♪
547
00:20:39,484 --> 00:20:40,586
Hey.
548
00:20:40,587 --> 00:20:41,788
My heart is racing.
549
00:20:41,789 --> 00:20:43,125
So is mine.
I thought I lost you.
550
00:20:43,126 --> 00:20:44,228
Shut up, shut up.
551
00:20:44,229 --> 00:20:46,065
Why did you make me come
to this stupid place?
552
00:20:46,066 --> 00:20:48,237
Because you love it.
553
00:20:48,238 --> 00:20:49,640
And I love you.
554
00:20:49,674 --> 00:20:50,810
Me?
555
00:20:50,811 --> 00:20:51,980
I want to go all-in.
556
00:20:51,981 --> 00:20:54,185
Really?
557
00:20:54,186 --> 00:20:55,789
In public, with all these people?
558
00:20:55,790 --> 00:20:56,790
All right.
559
00:20:56,791 --> 00:20:58,094
No, no, like all-in, like gambling.
560
00:20:58,095 --> 00:20:59,130
Okay, I'm... okay.
561
00:20:59,131 --> 00:21:00,767
Okay.
562
00:21:00,768 --> 00:21:02,070
I like that.
563
00:21:02,071 --> 00:21:03,440
Yeah?
564
00:21:03,441 --> 00:21:04,677
Let's get something to eat.
565
00:21:04,711 --> 00:21:07,016
Our first date...
You're paying.
566
00:21:07,017 --> 00:21:08,453
Yeah, I got to get used to it
567
00:21:08,454 --> 00:21:09,756
since I'm gonna be the breadwinner,
568
00:21:09,757 --> 00:21:11,026
and you're gonna be
the stay-at-home mom.
569
00:21:11,027 --> 00:21:12,361
I'm not quitting my job.
570
00:21:12,362 --> 00:21:13,598
And if we have kids,
we're gonna get, like,
571
00:21:13,599 --> 00:21:14,935
a million nannies
to take care of them...
572
00:21:14,936 --> 00:21:16,171
All ugly, you perv.
573
00:21:16,172 --> 00:21:17,608
One kid, one child,
574
00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:19,646
one maximum, and it's gonna be a boy.
575
00:21:19,647 --> 00:21:21,550
What?
We're having nine girls.
576
00:21:21,551 --> 00:21:23,055
No, we are not having nine girls.
577
00:21:23,089 --> 00:21:24,959
Yes, we are.
Named after all the muses.
578
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:27,932
Calliope...
579
00:21:27,933 --> 00:21:29,437
♪ Nothing's wrong ♪
580
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:37,054
♪ Who's gonna drive you home ♪
581
00:21:37,055 --> 00:21:40,596
♪ Tonight? ♪
582
00:21:42,168 --> 00:21:44,038
You know, I'm serious
about having nine daughters.
583
00:21:44,039 --> 00:21:46,310
Here we go.
One boy... Anthony Francis.
584
00:21:46,311 --> 00:21:47,580
Anthony Francis?
585
00:21:47,581 --> 00:21:49,247
What is he, gonna become the pope?
What?
42284
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