Original subtitles

That was good.

Ton dog. big dog. bad dog.

Who's the best dog?

That's my dog.

Who's the best dog?

That's my dog.

It's a big. bad dog.

Number one dog. Dog at the top.

Slow down. Fido. We need to talk.

- Yeah? - Vince.

yöu see the Vitagirl numbers? yöu hit that demographic dead on.

Yeah. looking good.

- Talk about what? - Us.

We're 24 hours away from fast-food fame...

...or oblivion. Will yöu sign off on that copy?

No.

No? What do yöu mean. no?

Nelson, we've been killing ourselves with this--

- What? - Meet yöu in 20.

Nelson!

I remember growing up.

- Summertime. . . -I'm starving!

-...baseball. . . -Ready for the game?

- yöu bet. - Ga get 'em!

...and Dr. Diggity Dogs-.

Us. Isn't there some kind of limit on the "us" talks?

One. okay. Two. if necessary.

Three. cruel and unusual.

Great dog. big dog.

Forgot about my parents, didn't yöu?

I can't make it. I'm sorry.

Nelson. this is their third trip to the city.

yöu could make an effort.

This is important to me.

This account is very important to me.

It's Dr. Diggity, practically an American institution.

American institution.

Dr. Diggity. Amer--

No.

yöu know. there are people who don't work 24 hours a day.

They stop. relax...

...have lives.

I have a life, Angelica. And I'm late for it.

I'm not sure Hike the lag line.

It needs to be deadpan.

- I want to play with it. - If it ain't broke. don't fix it.

That rule applies to mediocrity.

- We want perfection. - We want a check.

yöu worry too much.

Worrying about losing keeps yöu winning.

Cong rats.

Nelson. yöu got the Ad Age for the Pelican spot.

Give that to me.

Look. it says "team." I'm "team."

Gad!

- Morning. Mr. Moss. - Thanks.

- Vince. Beatrice. I'll have the--

Edgar Price is coming out of retirement.

Says he's tired of being ripped off, might as well rip himself off.

Edgar Price. huh?

Was the best.

Remember that Mercedes ad?

The car. floating in outer space. comes right at yöu.

Genius.

Check this out.

What?

Balance.

How's my dream team? Got it locked up?

Sure. chief. Just finessing--

No. no. it's all locked up.

- It's minor details. - Minor.

See that?

Make it happen.

Red! Blood red!

I can't read this. ls English her second language?

yöu'll love these frames. I ran with yöur idea.

It's still yöur idea. just better. Client will love it.

Ethnic.

Give me a bonfire. three-quarter.

- More cleavage. more dogs. - There's three girls.

- Let's make this night. - Night?

What's this. porno?

yöu said yöu wanted edge.

- I don't feel it. - There yöu are.

- Blood red. - Forget yöur 1:00 at the DMV?

reschedule .

I don't have time.

Wait till the presentation's over.

If yöu don't renew today. they'll suspend yöur license.

yöu get pulled over. they can throw yöu in jail.

Bet yöu don't have time for that either.

Nobody beats the DMV. Not even yöu.

Bye-bye.

I got it.

- I don't feel it. - Not feeling it. Blood red.

Blood red! Let's go. let's bleed!

Thanks.

All right. there will be no talking. eating or drinking...

...during the test.

If yöur personal hygiene becomes a distraction...

...yöu'll be asked to leave.

Sorry.

If yöu need to use the bathroom. raise yöur hand.

Would yöu pass me the Colombo. please?

Yeah. the salami.

Thanks.

yöu cannot take the test with yöu to the bathroom.

If yöu do not come back from the bathroom...

...yöu cannot pass the test.

yöu may begin.

Falling rocks?

Oh. Christ!

HEY -

Number nine...

...true or false?

Oh.

I'm not there yet.

Sorry.

- But when I do mine-- - Excuse me.

Bring yöur test papers forward. please.

Me?

yöu.

With the scarf, yes.

I wasn't cheating.

Why would I cheat on a DMV test?

yöu may retake the test in 30 days.

That's a joke. right?

Thirty days?

That's a whole month.

Great.

Fine.

Guess I'm going.

Walking.

Hey...

...good luck.

Shane and Dunne.

- Nelson Moss for Vince. -one moment.

- Did Ruben tweak the music? - Na, he said it's fine.

Shit.

Cut him.

Get Johnson McDonald. Give him the sample. Tell him--

- yöu've lost yöur mind. - No. beg him for 10 tomorrow.

- That's crazy! -How did 'R go?

Did yöu get yöur license?

- Vince. - What?

What do yöu think about this? "Barking mad for Dr. Diggity."

- That sucks. - Congratulations.

yöu can read.

- Call yöu back. -No, 00--

Can I help yöu?

Can yöu help me?

Yeah.

That's yöur van. isn't it?

Is this yöur car?

Wow.

- Nice. - yöu can't drive. right.

No.

This is the way that yöu...

Right.

Shit.

How much do yöu make a month?

Doesn't look like much.

I'll cover yöur expenses.

Here. call my secretary.

We'll work it out.

Is this quest for redemption from remorse?

Or are yöu scared my sitting on yöur car will cause a dent?

The dent.

That's what I thought.

What are yöu doing?

Buying redemption.

Redemption's not for sale today.

Sorry.

Okay -

Guess I'm going to hell.

Get off the car.

Okay -

Bye .

Yeah. here we go.

I'm gonna get it.

Get it.

Okay -

What is it?

It's a hot dog.

It's a hot dog.

It's a hot hot dog.

It's a hot dog.

It's a hot dog.

Yeah?

Mr. Moss. it's Manny from downstairs.

We have a bit of a situation. There's a lady here...

...who's saying strange, personal things about yöu.

yöu can't talk to him!

- Move over. -yöu can't talk to him.

I can talk to him. Look, I'm going to.

How are yöu, big spender?

Remember me? I'm downstairs. yöu want to come down here?

I can't stop thinking about yöu.

- Did he hear me? -Yeah.

- yöu sure? - I think he hear yöu.

Hello .7

Yeah.

Okay. I'll--

- What? - I'll see yöu in five.

Okay. I'm dawn here.

Okay?

Then my wife. she says to me:

"yöu can fix nothing."

So then she leaves me for plumber.

- No. - Yeah. plumber.

Look at that, Manny.

My very own Prince Charming.

I don't think I've ever met such a royal asshole in my entire life.

So does yöur mom know yöu treat women like hookers...

...or did she raise yöu to believe...

...that being nice means patronizing the whole world?

Uh-oh. I smell trouble.

- Can I talk to yöu? - Yeah.

Bye, Manny.

- How did yöu find me? - I'm smart.

So. I need a ride.

Is this a joke?

Well. yöu're the reason I can't drive.

So the least yöu can do is schlep me somewhere.

It'll be painless. Where's yöur car?

Been a ball. but some of us have to work.

Please don't make me throw a tantrum.

Would yöu like to get naked with us? We have a tub full of fudge!

Ignore her.

- It'll be fun! - Ignore her.

- He's cute! - What are yöu doing?

yöu know what?

yöu're a flasher. A flasher!

- It has to stop. - Mr. and Mrs. Johnson.

- Don't walk away! - I'll call the police.

- He keeps flashing! - Medication.

Are yöu nuts?

I live here.

Do yöu have any shame?

Well. I just want a ride.

Please?

Oh. by the way...

...I'm Sara Deever.

Nice to meet yöu.

yöu want to get in the right lane.

- Put yöur indicator-- - I know how to drive.

Okay -

yöu want to take the 80 to Oakland.

- Oakland? - Yeah.

- yöu said this would be quick. - I also said it would be painless.

This is really nice of yöu to do this for me.

And I'm sorry if I went too far. but I did need this ride.

So I really appreciate it. Thanks.

Right here.

What do yöu plan to do with that?

Commit a heinous crime. What else?

yöu'll wait for me. right? Right?

Of course yöu will.

What am I doing?

What am I doing?

Go! Go!

Go. go. go!

Oh. my God!

That was so great!

Feel like Bonnie and Clyde?

No. I don't.

- Why not? - They got shot.

- Don't open it. I don't want to know. - Just relax.

They're just my little furry friends. Say. "Hi. Nelson."

Somebody was gonna do nasty little experiments on yöur brains.

But I wouldn't have it.

What do yöu do. by the way?

I'm in advertising.

Advertising.

So yöu enjoy it?

People tend to enjoy what they're really good at.

Besides yöur job. what else makes yöu miserable?

I mean. what do yöu do for fun?

I didn't think so.

No hobbies?

No diversions? No kinky obsessions?

For one quick second there. I thought yöu--

Just get in the car.

Want to come up for cocoa?

As titillating as the evening's been. I'm afraid not.

Okay -

How about I make yöu a deal?

Come up for one cup. and I'll never ask yöu for another ride.

No. thanks.

Okay -

Thanks.

I'll see yöu tomorrow then.

Whoa. whoa. whoa!

Hold on.

Hold on.

8:00 is good for yöu. right?

yöu. me. Manny. the doorman. that whole thing?

Come in.

There yöu guys go.

I can help yöu.

See. I have a gift.

A special ability to help men with problems.

I don't have problems.

Now. see that, usually. Is the first sign.

Of what?

Denial.

Denial?

First of all. I think yöu work too much.

Really? And what do yöu know about work?

Plenty.

yöu admitted yöu do nothing else and it doesn't make yöu happy.

I admitted nothing. I was silent.

No special interests. no pets.

yöu hate dogs.

Busted.

Actually I do have a pet. a fish.

A fish?

Doesn't count. Cold-blooded. Sorry.

No. yöu are a walking case study.

Look at yöu.

yöu're a workaholic at such an advanced stage...

...that yöur intimacy skills have withered away to almost nothing.

Left untreated...

...yöu could become emotionally extinct.

Out of sheer perverse curiosity...

...how does a lunatic like yöu help a guy like me?

yöu live in a box.

I could lift the lid...

...let some light in.

Wow. that's deep.

I feel almost cured just hearing it.

Well...

...if yöu want my help...

...it'll require a commitment on yöur part.

yöu have to live with me here for a month.

No more. no less...

...and no work allowed.

yöu don't even know me...

...and yöu're inviting me to move in?

And how's my girlfriend supposed to feel about that?

Girlfriend?

yöu don't have a girlfriend.

I mean. it's something yöu feel.

There's something intimate a woman leaves on a man that yöu don't have.

Her name's Angelica.

Well. I feel sorry for Angelica.

Great.

I'll relay that to her when I leave. Which is...right about now.

October's almost over.

We can start midnight...

...first of November.

If yöu're brave enough to commit. I'll devote myself entirely to yöu.

Brave enough. but not stupid enough.

Now listen up. moonbeam.

Here's how it works.

No more harassment. No more rides.

No more extortion.

Next time yöu come into my building...

...I really will call the cops.

This is yöur image, Mr. Leach.

We polled yöur primary demographic.

Know what 89 percent said?

"Boring."

"Safe. "

We need to drop a bomb.

yöu don't want hot dogs "safe."

What's in a hot dog?

Don't tell me. I don't want to know.

They're dangerous.

What are we selling here?

We're selling temptation. desire...

...animal instincts...

...gluttony. sin.

We want to show man as he really is.

A savage.

He needs fire. He needs food.

He hunts and gathers.

What does he get?

He gets a hot dog.

We're pagans.

We love our rituals.

Our team hits a home run. we're screaming.

What do we want?

We want a hot dog.

Let's go to yöur preteen demographic.

Kids. the little angels.

They're not. They're monsters.

We give them a tuna sandwich. they don't want a tuna sandwich.

They want a hot dog!

We need women.

We've got the mothers...

...we want their daughters.

Let's ask that age-old question:

"What does a woman really want?"

yöu know.

I know.

She wants a hot dog.

We're hot-blooded. We need sex!

We need a sinful. dangerous food!

What is it?

It's a hot dog!

It's a hot dog!

It's a hot dog!

It's a hot dog.

"Dr. Diggity. It's a hot dog."

No.

No?

What do yöu mean?

It's not for us.

yöu don't understand our company.

I don't understand?

What did yöu ask us for?

Edge.

This is edge.

We're going with Baker Bohanon.

I think yöu're making a mistake.

I've seen yöur sales. yöu're in big trouble.

Oh. no. We are America's favorite hot dog. son.

Were. Were.

yöu're a dinosaur.

yöu're flat-lining.

yöu're dead meat.

And yöu just went too far. yöu little punk.

So I'll tell yöu what I really think of yöur campaign.

This is cheap. tasteless crap.

Really?

That's funny. because so is yöur product.

Stop it.

I make a wholesome hot dog. yöu prick.

It's mystery meat.

- Come on. Nelson! -It's toxic waste in a tube!

yöu're killing me!

yöu're killing us! yöu're killing all of us!

Mr. Leach! Hey. buddy!

What the hell happened in there?

I know.

Can yöu believe that asshole?

Baker Bohanon.

I've always said yöu're brilliant. A machine.

But I knew one day yöu'd snap. and we'd all burn.

What are yöu talking about. burn?

yöu know what was at stake? How many millions yöu lost?

yöu just dragged my agency's name through the gutter.

Hold on a second.

Gutter?

I'm the best thing this agency's got.

And that rabid dog routine makes yöu the best?

I don't think so. It makes yöu a wreck!

It makes yöu a liability.

yöu need a vacation. Now.

Screw vacation.

Give me another account. Come on.

Nelson. did yöu hear me?

Take a vacation.

Short or permanent, yöur choice.

Are yöu threatening me?

That's hilarious.

I'm two Clio's ahead of the game, Ray.

yöu can't afford to lose me.

yöu're fired.

Say that again.

I don't think I heard yöu.

yöu're fired!

God. am I...

...glad to see yöu.

yöu've got to be kidding me.

Mr. Moss?

Are yöu doing okay?

I'm fine.

yöu have a deliv--

yöu have delivery.

- Leave it! - I do not think yöu want me do that.

It's from the crazy lady from the other night.

She tell me I have to deliver in the flesh.

I said. leave it!

Okay -

yöu've got to be kidding me.

Hey!

Do me a favor. Stay out of my life.

Good bye.

Is that Ernie?

It's Ernie!

I missed yöu so much! Hi.

Did yöu rethink my offer?

I don't feel like playing the Deever Mad Hatter game.

What is this?

- What happened? - Nothing.

- Can I look at it? - Why?

Because I'm a vampire.

Because it's bleeding.

And maybe... Maybe I can help yöu.

What are yöu after? What do yöu want from me?

yöu should come with me.

Why are yöu sending me dogs?

So. what did yöu do today?

What did I do today?

I got fired.

They took the company car...

...and my girlfriend left me.

Perfect.

Define "perfect."

Well...

...it's the first of November.

Our month to be together.

yöu're actually serious about this.

Oh. yeah. Very.

yöu think I'm just gonna drop everything?

I don't want to bust yöur bubble. but it sounds like yöu already have.

Live here...

...and let yöu mess with my head for a whole month?

I don't know if I would put it that way...

...but yeah. I think yöu should.

I'm sorry. I can't stand watches.

So this...

...whatever yöu call it--

-Help. -"Help".

What are yöu doing?

Taking yöur shirt off.

Why?

So yöu can clean up.

Why?

Because yöu smell like puppy pee.

Just for the night.

Whoa. Hey.

Okay -

What?

Slow. yöu know.

Yeah.

Gentle.

Look at me.

This is not very comfortable.

Wait. what are yöu doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Wait. just go slow.

Just--

What's wrong? What's wrong?

- Where are yöu going? - To hell with this!

But. wait--

Please wait!

Will yöu just wait a second?

I have no words to describe how positively wacked yöu are.

- What are yöu so pissed off about? - This has been the day from hell.

I don't need yöu telling me what to do in the sack!

- I didn't mean to. I just-- - Just what?

Making sure yöur game was going according to plan?

- It's not a game. - Really?

Then just what is it exactly?

I'm trying to help yöu.

I don't need help.

It doesn't get much sweeter than this.

What I'm offering is a win-win situation.

Yeah? And what do yöu get out of it?

I get to help yöu.

I don't understand yöu. This whole thing--

yöu don't need to understand me.

yöu just need to let it happen.

Please. don't go.

Why not?

Because I know yöu don't want to.

Have yöu ever considered a career in sales?

No.

Well. yöu should.

yöu're relentless.

Nelson...

...would yöu like to be my November?

Yes.

- What's yöur name? - Raquel.

That's a beautiful name.

Could yöu put an extra shot of chocolate in my mocha?

Chocolate's an aphrodisiac. Did yöu know that?

yöu look great in that smock. Yeah.

- Vince. - Where are yöu? I've been calling--

- Edgar Price. - Edgar Price?

- Edgar Price. - Edgar Price. What. what. what?

- Can yöu get us a meeting? -yöu and me?

yöu and me. Edgar Price's new company.

- Game? - That's brilliant. That's genius.

I'll do that. They stuck me with that loser. John Heedley.

- Can't go on like this. Mince?

- Call me with news. Absolutely.

Hey!

- Stop what yöu're doing. right now. - Why?

Because it's the same boring thing yöu do every day of yöur life.

And yöu can't do that with me.

What's wrong with yöur TV?

Good morning.

It doesn't work.

Of course it doesn't. It's a planter.

Right.

- Where are my clothes? - I gave them away.

yöu what?

I gave them away.

Oh. but...

...look at this.

Oh. yeah. baby!

Freedom. No more suits.

I got yöu those.

Sara. this is not helpful. Give me my shirt and pants back.

What? It's clothes.

It's just gonna cover yöur body. What do yöu care?

Hey. do yöu like cheese?

Hey there. Ernie. Hi!

Ernie. are yöu sad? Do yöu miss yöur brother?

yöu'll stay with me until we find yöu some decent parents.

Hey. by the way. when do I get to meet yöur parents?

My parents are dead.

I'm sorry.

Sara. I'm not amused. I want my clothes back. Now.

I told yöu. I gave them away.

I promise. I'll never lie to yöu.

So...

...would yöu like vegan sausage. vegan bacon...

That's all we got now. Huh?

I make it with a lot of vegan butter so it gets nice and black and crispy.

But if yöu don't like it that way. I won't make it that way. okay?

Hey, hey.

Three hours sleep last night.

Tried valerian root, melatonin. the Shopping Channel.

yöu know what did the trick?

- What? - Jimmy Cagney.

Public Enemy. Violence as a tranquilizer.

How twisted is that?

yöu're looking very sexy today.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Wow.

I do believe that is my favorite sweatshirt I see.

yöu must be November.

I must be November?

That's Nelson.

Hey. Nelson. How are yöu?

- I'm Chaz. - Hey.

yöu know what?

Keep the sweatshirt. It looks better on yöu.

Is this some kind of a communal-culty- squeaky-Charlie type of deal?

That's very good. He's really funny.

Much cooler than October. A lot of good he was.

L gotta go-

- I love yöu. baby. - I love yöu.

- yöu sure yöu don't want any food? - And get fat like yöu?

- See yöu around, Nelson. - See yöu.

I think I'll pull myself out of monthly rotation while I'm ahead.

What? Nelson.

- Who the hell was that, yöur pimp? - Chaz?

Chaz lives downstairs. We look after each other.

I think Chaz can take care of himself.

He just needs a good night's sleep.

- Hi. sweetheart. how are yöu? - Hey. guys. Nelson...

- Sorry. -It's okay.

I was trying to introduce yöu. That's Al and Osiris.

They own that bookstore.

They used to be friends with Jack Kerouac.

I don't care. I don't read.

Sara. can yöu spare 15 bucks?

Bruce. I gave yöu those clothes. Why are yöu so greedy?

That's my shirt! Those are my pants!

- Doesn't it feel good to give? - No!

- yöu November? - Where am I?

yöu have to meet.

Nelson. this is Abner. Abner. Nelson.

Abner's gonna set a world record one day.

- What's today's project? - Standing on one leg. Want to time me?

I have to break the record of 300 hours.

- No. - Loser.

Get a life.

Good one.

yöu let a 10-year-old wind yöu up?

Forget him. What about yöu?

yöu sleep with half the city. get the whole neighborhood involved.

- yöu'd prefer if I was a virgin? - Considering the alternative. yes.

I'm yöurs.

All yöurs.

Look. Sara. yöu're great.

yöu're a very sexy. smart. Interesting. somewhat unusual woman.

But we-- I always think it's best to clarify issues.

yöu are the most egotistical man I've ever met.

I am talking about a month.

The truth is. I don't have a month. Time is money.

Okay. Let's just-- How long do yöu think...

...yöu could put this big. lucrative career of yöurs on hold? Just. just--

God. what am I talking about?! yöu are unemployed!

yöu don't have a job! yöu got fired, Nelson.

yöu have nothing to go back to.

This project of yöurs feels like an excuse to get laid.

Sara. I'm sorry. I...

Sara. I didn't mean to-- I didn't think yöu'd--

I don't understand why yöu're doing this. is all.

I told yöu.

I have my reasons.

Still friends?

Only if yöu give me what I want.

What?

Time.

- All I can do is a day. - I'll take it.

Okay -

I'll take it.

Always a thrill to explore new career possibilities.

How much do yöu charge?

- I don't do this for the money. - Why do yöu do it?

I like it. yöu can take them off the leashes.

Come on. Oh. yes. yöu're so excited. I know.

Yeah. yöu go raise some hell.

Don't tell yöur mom. okay? yöu can let them go. yöu know. Nelson.

Come on!

Yippee.

Come on. Let's go. Come on!

Get off me!

So when was the last time yöu spent a whole day outside?

When my parents dragged me to Alcatraz for the day at the age of 9.

Wow.

- Now yöu tell me something. - Anything.

What was so enlightening about what we did today?

Why is letting some dogs go wild a better way to live than my way?

Granted. it was mildly amusing. but my third eye didn't open.

Well. these things take time.

And yöu don't have time.

No. seriously. It's a question of values.

Why is doing something fundamentally trivial better...

...than living a responsible life?

Boring as that might seem to yöu.

And who made yöu the expert. the doctor, the guru?

Why do yöu have all the answers?

Well. I used to own this company called Sublime Pets.

No. I really did.

And then I quit. It wasn't fun anymore. yöu know.

Before or after yöu toured as a standup comedian?

I never did that.

Well. this...

This would be really good for yöu.

Sharpen yöur instincts.

No. no.

Not those kind of instincts.

So the object of the game-- Get yöur hands off me.

I run around. yöu lose track of me. Then yöu--

No. no peeking. Hands off.

Count to 10...

...then come find me.

One. two. three“ I'm gonna get yöu.

Four. five. six-- I know where yöu are.

Seven. eight. nine. ten.

Oh. Nelson. that was terrible.

yöu didn't even get close.

This is funny?

I'm sorry. Are yöu okay?

Sara. yöu're not going to be upset when I leave tonight?

I told yöu one day.

Yeah. of course.

Mitch was my October.

He was so shy.

I think he was the shyest man I've ever met.

So...

...we focused on strengthening his confidence.

And was the patient cured?

Oh. yeah.

My treatment was so effective...

...that we had to terminate the month early.

And what about September?

No. No September.

What?

yöu didn't think I was weird about it. did yöu?

And yöu and all these guys...?

Does it matter that much to yöu?

Why a month?

It's long enough to be meaningful and short enough to stay out of trouble.

It was delicious.

Thanks.

It's getting late.

Don't worry about this. I'll clean it up.

What are yöu gonna do when yöu go home?

I don't know.

I don't usually map out my evenings.

yöu're gonna go home.

Tum on yöur TV.

Get bored.

Turn on yöur computer.

Go through yöur work. Get bored.

Surf the net.

Get bored.

And think of me.

Ernie.

Try to be wrong once in a while.

It'll do my ego good.

- I don't see why we didn't take a cab. - Because I make the rules, Nelson.

Rules yöu must submit to. utterly and completely.

If yöu want to be a dominatrix that bad...

...why don't we buy yöu the leather and get it over with?

I think I'm strangely aroused.

That's Abner.

Hi.

Is that yöu?

He's got a face. It's a good one too.

- Did yöu wait long? - No.

Good.

What is that? yöu didn't.

- yöu did not bring that! - What can I say?

- Yeah? Just call me genius, I don't mind.

- What up, Vince? -"What up"?

yöu. me. Edgar Price. November 17th. Friday. That's what up.

I'm yöur Rainmaker.

- yöu're a genius. - It's about time yöu said so.

I heard about Angelica. I'm sorry.

As much as I knew, she wasn't right for yöu.

- So do I smell new female friend? - What makes yöu say that?

yöu don't return my calls.

There's estrogen in the air. Don't insult me.

Come on. who is she?

- yöu wouldn't know her. - But would I despise her?

That's the question. On a scale of 9 to 10. is she a 9 or a 10?

Listen. I gotta run. Great news on the Edgar Price thing.

Go launch it. okay?

Oh. that's really cool. Not.

What is it. Pokemon’s dinghy?

All right. let's do this. All boats in the water.

- Except for this kid's. - That's not a kid. that's a girl.

- Maybe I should forget about it. - Just ignore them. Abner.

Abner?

Abner?

Hang in there. Ab.

All boats in the water.

Let's do this.

Say yöur prayers. Abner!

Go. Abner!

Go. Abner!

Go. Abner!

Excuse me.

- yöu want to make a hundred bucks? - Sure.

Come on. Abner! Come on!

Hey. my boat's all--

What's going on?

Straight. Straight!

Come on. yöu can do it!

I guess I'm winning.

- That little creep is cheating. - No. I'm not. My boat's just better.

Go. Abner!

I guess I won.

That was fun. Next time can we do it with cars?

- Sure. - No.

- Bye. - See yöu. Abner.

- Good night. - Good night.

yöu know. that was really nice what yöu did today.

Thanks.

- But it's not gonna help him. - What do yöu mean?

He's gonna have a lot of obstacles...

...and he has to learn to deal with them.

Those kids were laughing at him. yöu ever been laughed at?

Okay. cheating is bad. I guess.

yöu're a father figure now.

Get out of here. The kid just met me.

When yöu don't know yöur dad. yöu're not picky.

Look at that, Nelson. That's life.

It's just happening around us all the time.

I think that's so beautiful.

Tell me yöur secret dream.

I'm not much on that kind of thing.

Oh. come on. Everybody's got one.

One they only tell after a couple of drinks. Tell me.

My father sold door-to-door.

Vacuum cleaners. life insurance.

For a while he even sold plastic food.

We were kind of the joke of the neighborhood.

And believe me. the neighborhood was a pretty grim joke itself.

- Where'd yöu grow up? - Right here.

I still own the house. but I never go there.

Anyway...

...every night after dinner. he would...

...shut himself in the TV room...

...and listen to 45s:

Bobby Darin. Perry Como. Tony Bennett.

For a year or so...

...I desperately wanted to be a singer.

yöu thought it would make him happy?

No.

I thought those guys...

...were everything he wasn't.

Successful. proud...

...in control.

I'd like to hear yöu sing.

That will never happen.

Come on. One day.

One day yöu'll sing for me. right?

What are we doing?

The movie starts in 10 minutes. Should we skip it?

I'll get yöu a cappuccino. I can find a cappuccino. Relax.

I hope that I can eat all of this.

Oh. my God!

Somebody went domestic on me. Okay. Well. okay.

I get it. It all makes sense. Mystery woman. unveiled.

What kind of Bohemian backwater is this?

Do they read poetry here?

Sara. Vince. Vince. Sara.

- Hey. - Very nice to meet yöu.

- I gotta go. - Was it something I said?

Vince. the movie.

Oh. that's my good friend. um...

What. yöu can't remember her name?

She doesn't care as long as I remember to pick up the check. right?

That's incredible.

I mean that is. I think. the most astute observation...

...of female behavior I've ever heard.

She's funny. yöu're funny. That's funny.

This is my very good friend Nelson. and his very good friend...

- Tell me. - Sara.

- Hi. Lexy. - Hi. nice to meet yöu.

Lexy. Sara. Sara. Lexy.

We should all go out sometime. get drunk and nasty.

Quick order: one cappuccino to go.

Quick answer: no quick orders.

We love this place. We'll be back every day.

I gotta go take care of Lexy. Remember the 17th: yöu, me and God.

Sara. very nice to meet yöu. It was an honor.

Very entertaining.

God! Wow.

We're going to be late. and it's yöur fault.

He's actually a good guy. deep down.

Somewhere.

Yeah.

I just mean the glibness...

...kind of wears yöu out after a while.

Do yöu trust him?

Like friends do. yöu know.

- Do yöu think he'll be there for yöu? - When?

Like a scary situation or something.

yöu may have noticed...

...I don't put myself in scary situations.

Hey. yöu know what? Why don't we go see that house yöu grew up in?

Want to do that?

That's not too scary. is it?

It's just a house.

I tried so hard not to come back here.

Sorry.

Ouch.

Sara?

I know I don't know a lot of things. but I do know how to slow dance.

yöu're terrible.

Here. let me show yöu.

I looked up yöur Web site the other night.

yöu sister's pretty. Looks a lot like yöu.

But it's not my Web site anymore. It's not my anything anymore.

Why'd yöu quit?

It started out small and then it got big.

That's generally considered a good thing in business.

Yeah. well. everything got big.

Egos. lives. desires.

I didn't like the big me.

I wasn't very happy.

yöu want to know the most amazing part of it all?

What?

I got out before it got really big.

Can yöu imagine that?

No. I can't imagine yöu with millions and millions of dollars.

Did yöu change the beans?

It's hazelnut. yöu don't like it?

Honestly? Tastes like camel piss. Let's stick to the classics.

Excuse me, privacy. Heard of it?

Very impressive set of pecs yöu got. yöu work out. then?

Me. haven't got time.

yöur pecs on the other hand. darling. are edible.

Now don't forget. dinner's at 8.

It's dressy. because we're gonna eat and we're going dancing.

We'll see if "Last of the Mohicans" here has rhythm.

Doesn't he know how to make his own coffee?

- yöu ready to go? - Yeah.

Okay. good. Because I told Chaz Cherry we'd be on time.

We're calling everyone by first and last names now?

I don't want to see Chaz Cherry. I want to get naked with Sara Deever.

yöu look beautiful.

Thank yöu. Nelson Moss.

Come on. yöu won't be bored. I promise.

Chaz Cherry is a great cook.

- We're here. - Oh. hallelujah!

- And we're hungry. - Too late.

I sold yöur dinner to the homeless.

Nelson. look at yöu. Didn't recognize yöu with yöur clothes on.

Nelson. yöu've met Chaz. This is Cherry.

Oh. watch the nails.

Thanks very much.

Wow.

Very Pink Flamingos.

Oh. my God! Sweetheart. he says I look like Divine.

Oh. that's awful.

- yöu could lose a few pounds. - Stop.

- yöu stop. - Bitch.

Brandy this is Nelson. Nelson. this is Brandy.

- Hi. - Oh. he is handsome.

Put it back in yöur pants. Grab a drink, Nelson.

yöu all right? yöu seem a little bit uncomfortable.

Come here. Let me loosen yöu up.

Just one top.

- Is it the music. maybe? - No. it's great.

Because we got some Michael Bolton if yöu prefer.

Alabama.

Or is it the decor?

NO. it's...

yöu're in dresses.

This isn't a dress. This is a sequined sensation.

Cheers.

That's not a dress.

God. let's eat. Come on.

Starved.

I am hungry.

- There. yöu want those? - Thanks very much.

God. they're absolutely beautiful. Brandy. take care of them.

Very nice.

A little loving From the oven

- Couscous for everyone. - Wow. did yöu make that?

Excuse me. what did yöu just say?

Making. buying. It's all a very thin line.

Oh. my God.

I don't believe it!

yöu know what's a thin line? yöur outfit.

It's a thin line between late Cher and early Howard Keel.

Eat up. Where we're going. yöu go before 10...

...yöu get a good place to dance and boys get in free.

Bring yöur dancing shoes?

Can yöu dance shirtless? It happens there.

Are yöur nipples pierced? yöu have a "Mom" tattoo on yöur ass?

yöu're not exactly a Muscle Mary. but I think yöu'll cut it.

yöu're smearing it.

I'll see what lover-boy's doing. yöu can talk about me now.

We will.

A lot.

yöu want an Advil?

How'd yöu know?

The couscous.

- I'll be right back. - Thanks.

Oh. God. I love this one. It's brilliant.

I mean. the tartan's for shit.

What's wrong with the tartan?

It's a Scottish thing.

I mean. from concept to execution. It's just sublime.

- There yöu go. sweetie. - Thank yöu.

yöur home base for everything. From fast searches to shopping.

Get whatever yöu want--

Just an ad.

Now. don't be modest. I know yöu won a Gold Pencil for this.

How do yöu know that?

Well. I've got a day job as well. yöu know.

What do yöu do?

I work in the dreaded world of advertising.

Oh. really?

Oh. really.

What firm?

Baker Bohanon.

Oh. my God. yöu're Chaz Watley!

Oh. look. Baby's famous.

Don't even go there.

yöu've been that Chaz Watley...

...all this time?

Did yöu get the Dr. Diggity account?

Oh. my God. Nelson. just let it go.

Cherry doesn't care about things like that.

Oh. really?

"Cherry doesn't care about things like that"?

I bet Chaz cares about things like that.

Or do yöu two not talk to each other?

I know Nelson cares about things like that.

She should've told me.

This is--

This is awkward. If I'd known who yöu were. I wouldn't have--

What? yöu would've worn a dress?

I don't think so.

yöu would've been especially nice to me?

- Yeah. something like that. - Thanks very much.

He's not here right now.

I said. he's not here right now.

Why are yöu calling here?

How long have yöu been doing this? How long have yöu been calling here?

I asked--

I can't-- I can't talk.

I can't talk right now.

I said. I can't talk to yöu right now.

Is everything okay?

Ten guesses who that was.

Shit.

- So. how long has it been going on? -It's not what yöu think.

yöu've talked to her behind my back?

Do yöu really want to talk about this now?

No. I'm sorry.

Guys. I don't think I'm gonna go dancing tonight. I feel so tired.

Come on. sweetheart.

What was that all about?

She gets migraines.

yöu know...

...terrible headaches.

No. the phone call.

Who was that?

Her sister.

It's a long story. and I am not going to tell it.

Hey. I'm sorry about what happened down there.

That's okay. gives me a boost to know that yöu're not perfect.

Feeling better?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Chaz told me it was yöur sister on the phone.

Why does it upset yöu so much?

Remember talking about getting naked?

"Naked with Sara Deever." I think it's a good time for that.

Don't dodge me. talk to me.

Come get naked with me.

What happened?

That's not fair.

yöu expect me to be so honest...

...so forthcoming.

I do.

Because it's yöur month. Nelson.

Not mine.

Come on. yöu don't want to hear about stupid family stuff.

Don't be mad.

Please.

Please.

yöu're not feeling well. are yöu?

Maybe tomorrow we'll get naked.

And tonight...

...we'll wear PJs.

Every woman I know spends $200 on a haircut.

yöu use a vacuum cleaner.

Quit trying to change the subject.

yöu made a commitment. Nelson. Our time isn't over.

It's one meeting.

Why is going to some powwow with this sicko guy. Vince. such a big deal?

Because it's probably the chance of a lifetime. that's why.

If it's a whole lifetime, why not just postpone it for one more week?

Sara. when Edgar Price says he'll meet yöu...

...yöu don't say: "Wait. how about next month?"

yöu say. "Thank yöu. I'll be there."

He's one of the greats.

Where's my phone?

I hate it.

Nelson!

Nelson!

Damn it.

We can take anything and just sell it. make it work.

Exactly. I mean. we've done very well with Telecomputer.

Actually. I'm sure yöu're aware of--

No. I wasn't.

We just won the Ad Age award for that spot.

I think that was last year's spot.

So we have a symbiosis. the two of us. as a team--

We know a lot of guys who do this for the awards. Mr. Price.

- Not to say we don't get the awards-- - But still...

...we're not about the acclaim.

Hand holding. dinners...

-...sending prostitutes to the client. - Prostitutes?

- Who sends prostitutes? - Who doesn't?

We're about the work.

If the work is great. It speaks for itself.

That's all I need to know.

But are yöu married. any kids?

No. we've avoided the family thing for quite some time.

- Most of our lives. - Good.

Because if yöu're worried about quality of life or paternity leave...

...or any of that other New Age crap...

...as much as I like yöu. we can stop right here.

I want to be yöur full-time commitment.

I can do that.

- We still had two weeks to go. - What's two weeks?

yöu're kicking him out anyway. Good shot.

Thanks.

yöu know what? I should've locked him in there.

I should've tied him to the bed.

What. do yöu mean yöu didn't?

It wouldn't have stopped him.

yöu can't force people to do what they don't want to.

That's the whole point of this thing. isn't it?

Besides. I know guys like Nelson.

yöu may have bitten off more than yöu can chew this time.

That's what I like about him.

It's also what scares the hell out of me.

Just so yöu know. we've got a couple of great clients in our hip pockets.

Plus. some leads on some new accounts. So we come to yöu fully loaded.

yöu're not selling me a car. Holland.

Frankly. I'm not impressed with yöu. But yöur reputation precedes yöu.

And if I have to take him to get yöu. I will.

So here's my offer.

It's good as long as we're at this table.

Oh, my"!

I'm so sorry! Excuse me.

- That's okay. - Stop it.

yöu know. sweetie...

...we are what we do in this world. and yöu're a waitress.

All that requires is that yöu bring food and drink...

...to and from the table without making a mess.

That's it.

So when yöu screw up something as incredibly simple as that...

...it doesn't say a whole hell of a lot about yöu, does it?

I'm-- I'm sorry.

If yöu gave a penny for her thoughts. yöu'd get change.

They ought to fire her.

I always say a bad hire strengthens the competition's hand.

A good general feeds off his enemy.

Actually. Sun Tzu said that last line.

In The Art of War.

yöu're right, Nelson.

yöu're very smart.

Take a look, buddy.

Not interested.

yöu don't like my offer?

It's not the offer I don't like.

It's yöu.

Nelson. wait-- Nelson!

- yöu know what? This isn't-- - I hope yöu can afford this.

Shit.

Oh. Jesus Christ...

What's wrong with yöu? yöu just shit in God's face.

If he's yöur god. yöu're in trouble. He's not for me.

He's not for yöu? He is yöu.

- yöu're cloned from the same DNA. - I'm not. If I am. shoot me.

Where's the gun? It's my career too!

yöu just blew it in there. What is going on. man?

I know what it is. It's the girl.

The new mystery woman. What's her name?

Don't ignore me. What's her name?

- Sara. - Don't yöu see what's happening?

She has got yöur balls in a jar.

I'm yöur friend. I wouldn't lie.

- yöu blew it in there. - I'm sorry I cost yöu yöur job--

I don't need yöur pity. Nelson. yöu blew it!

yöu're a loser. Nelson.

Loser!

Fine. I don't need yöu, Nelson.

Have yöu ever heard of Phalaenopsis sanderiana?

It reminded me of yöu.

- yöu got the job, didn't yöu? - Best offer anyone ever made me.

So when do yöu start?

We had a little problem agreeing on that.

He suggested immediately.

I suggested...

...never.

- Never? - Never.

- Come on. let's keep Ernie. - Nope.

I found a home. He's gotta go.

But yöu love this little monster.

Soon I'll love another little monster.

Cold. heartless woman.

What about vegan turkey stuffed with tofu and cranberries?

Ordering sounds better.

We're not ordering Thanksgiving dinner.

It's the one time in life it's good to be "trad."

In that case. are yöu inviting yöur family?

No.

Holiday fights are a little too traditional for my taste.

What do yöu fight about?

Everything.

Religion. money. sex.

Sara's decisions. Sara's unconventional ways.

Sara's lifestyle.

- They think I'm a freak. - yöu are a freak.

Anyway. boring subject.

I'm sure they miss yöu.

I know they do.

yöu know. there's a good tradition called "making up."

yöu could try it.

Yeah.

Someday I'll have to do that.

Mind walking him down?

Sure.

Thanks.

Come on. boy.

Say goodbye to Sara.

Bye .

Hey. come on- PUPPY-

- Thanks. - Yeah. Sure.

See yöu. Ernie.

HEY -

Why can't she keep one for a change?

I guess she helps more this way.

I've been thinking.

Oh. yeah?

If yöu want to adopt me, yöu can.

I mean. Father Sunday is on Monday. It would be good timing.

I don't quite know what to say.

I'll tell yöu what...

...I can't adopt yöu...

...but I'll come with yöu to Father Sunday.

- Promise? - Promise.

Wait till my mom hears!

Sara!

I have an announcement to make.

What's wrong?

- Are yöu okay? - Yeah. I'm fine.

What do yöu keep in there?

- Nothing. -"Nothing" doesn't require a lock.

What's wrong?

So...

-...what's the big announcement? - Don't do the dodge.

Am I okay?

No. I'm not okay.

I miss Ernie.

And I've got a migraine.

So...

...what's yöur big announcement?

Marry me.

What?

Will yöu marry me?

Sara. I stood on the street...

...and I realized...

...this is it.

Life will never be better...

...or sweeter than this.

I'm happy.-

I'm in love.

Marry me.

That's incredibly sweet.

- But yöu don't understand. - Yes. I do. It all makes sense.

I want yöu.

I want this life.

Marry me.

Marry me. Sara.

- I can't. - Why not?

Because of me.

What about yöu?

For God's sake. Sara. Please. just--

Just tell me what's wrong.

Tell me the truth.

I can't.

Sara?

Jesus.

I'm fine.

No. I'm fine.

- I'm fine. - What the hell is going on?

No. Nelson.

No. Nelson. no!

No.

Is this what yöu wanted to see?

This is it!

Is this enough truth for yöu?

Does this make yöu happy?

Goddamn yöu! yöu just couldn't leave it alone!

Sara. stop.

yöu just couldn't leave it-- God. just leave it alone.

It's non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

It's a type of cancer.

yöu shouldn't have to find out like this. I'm sorry.

She's gonna be asleep for hours.

yöu want to go for a walk. have a chat or something?

- Yeah. - Yeah. okay.

yöu said she stopped her treatments a year ago?

What about the pills?

It just gets her through the day. She stopped trying to beat it.

She did it all for a year. Nothing worked.

Look. I'm no doctor. but when yöu're unchecked. wouldn't that“?

Yeah.

It's spread everywhere.

How could she get involved with me and not tell me she was sick?

I mean. what was she thinking?

She was thinking yöu'd be the same as all the others.

She'd dump yöu after a month.

yöu've got to understand something.

She's completely powerless.

With these rules, yöu know...

...they give her the illusion and dignity of control.

It's kept her alive.

The rift with her family. that's what it's about?

These rules.

Yeah.

Her family couldn't handle it. They wouldn't let go.

They kept trying to run her disease.

So she took off.

And came here?

She told me if she couldn't live a normal life...

...she was determined to live an abnormal one the best way she could.

I don't get it.

She loves life more than anyone I've ever met.

How can she just give up?

yöu listening to anything I'm telling yöu?

She's not giving up.

She's making the most of the time she's got left.

Don't mess with that.

I'm sorry.

I didn't want yöu to see any of this.

I wanted yöu...

...to know me loving life, yöu know?

Come here.

Will yöu do something for me?

Anything.

Will yöu get me out of here?

Take me home.

Okay -

Jesus.

They're here.

Hey. darling.

Hey. sweetie.

yöu're sick? yöu look fabulous.

Oh. this is just a lie.

yöu look great.

- Want a nice. warm bath? - Come on. sweetie.

- We'll run yöu a bath. - What's on the menu tonight?

- We have lovely appetizers. - Nice codeine.

Codeine? What else? Donnatal. that's yöur favorite.

Come on. girl. Let's get yöu in here.

Okay -

Nice and easy.

Sara. I know doctors I could call.

No doctors.

I'm gonna be fine, Nelson. But yöu can't be here.

I don't want yöu here. yöu can't see this.

Please. go.

Okay. okay. he's going.

I can't stand by and do nothing. just watch her...

Die?

That's why she wants yöu to go.

Go on.

Hey. Abner.

Today's not gonna be a great play day.

I know. It's gonna be Father Sunday.

Did yöu forget?

Oh. God. I'm sorry. Ab. I can't.

But yöu promised.

I guess I don't have a dad.

I mean. I do. but I don't know who he is.

So I brought Nelson.

We do stuff. and it's fun. because he makes me feel smart.

I guess I feel like...

...if I got into trouble. he'd take care of me.

Kind of like a best friend. just bigger.

Thank yöu. Abner.

I guess I'll see yöu tomorrow.

I don't know. I probably won't be here tomorrow.

How come?

I gotta do some thinking. make a tough decision.

Sara thinks yöu don't respect her choices? Something like that?

I don't know. yöu always see that stuff on TV.

I think yöu're the coolest kid I've ever met.

- I'll see yöu. - See yöu.

Take care.

Shit.

yöu all right?

- Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine. - Good.

I was planning on serving the pumpkin on the floor. so this is...

This is really good.

Oh. God. Chaz.

Please tell me we're gonna have fun.

Thanksgiving's fun. right? It's fun.

It'll be a riot.

Come here.

Give us a cuddle.

I need some fun.

yöu know. he asked me to marry him.

He's not the first.

No. but it was the first time I wanted to say yes.

So why didn't yöu?

Because. Chaz. I let the whole thing go too far.

Oh. yeah? Too far for who?

Both of us.

Anyway...

No need to talk about it. He's gone.

Well. yöu did kick him out. He'll be back if yöu let him.

I don't want him to come back.

Right.

yöu know. it's okay to break yöur own rules, Sara.

yöu fell in love.

That's great.

It may not follow yöur master plan. but yöu can't control everything.

Okay. just stop it.

I really don't need this right now. Chaz.

Jesus!

There's no rule that gives me the right to put him through all of this.

This hell.

I don't...

-it'll just hurt him in the end. -It'll hurt. whatever yöu do.

We all will.

But...

...if I've learned anything...

...it's that yöu should have those who love yöu near...

...as long as yöu possibly can.

Yeah.

Toast! Toast.

Happy we-stole-yöur-land- and-killed-yöur-people day.

- Oh. Al. - That's a good one, Al.

Here's to yöu.

- Here yöu go. babe. - Here's to yöu.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas. Sara.

I think it's Thanksgiving. isn't it?

Not for yöu.

yöu shouldn't have to wait.

Does anyone else have a sudden desire for Chinese food?

- Right on! - Yeah.

It's good to see yöu, Nelson.

Do yöu know how the Chinese celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving?

Ciao, Santa.

I thought yöu'd never get here.

Come on. let's go.

For yöu. my sweet Sara...

...I bring yöu 12 gifts of Christmas.

One:

The famous Colombo log. The salami that started it all.

Two:

A kaleidoscope of a coiffeur. for the barking-mad pet crusader.

Number three:

A bullwhip for the dizzy dominatrix.

So yöu can rule yöur world in style and whip me into shape.

Four:

I present...

...Sara. a custom-made fragrance capturing...

...that special something...

...a woman leaves OH a man.

- Nelson. this is... - Only the beginning.

Five:

Why is Harriet so Hairy?

The definitive guide to understanding our transvestite friends.

Six:

Tiny bubbles, for those leisurely soaks we love so much.

Number seven:

A hundred mini train tokens...

...for the many. many...

...great rides of yöur life.

Number eight:

A collection of music to swoon by.

Which. by the way. happens to go very nicely with gift number nine:

Dance classes.

Mildred's Academy of Dance. guaranteed to get yöu off my toes...

...in a week.

- yöu sure? - I'm positive.

Number 10:

For the gentle lady who hates doing dishes.

A dishwasher!

Nelson. this is too much.

It's not enough.

Number 11:

Live. and in yöur apartment. back by popular demand...

...I give yöu...

...Ernie!

Hi. baby!

I missed yöu.

And if this last gift doesn't prove how much I love yöu, nothing will.

Every month is November. Sara.

And I love yöu every day.

Nelson. there's--

This is our month. and it never has to end.

I surrender all attempts to control life...

...yöurs or mine.

I live for one thing:

To love yöu.

To make yöu happy.

To live firmly and joyöusly in the moment.

November is all I know.

And all I ever want to know.

What are yöu doing?

Where are yöu going?

Out.

This will give yöu time to get yöur stuff together.

So yöu can go.

Our month is over.

Sara. I'm not leaving.

Sara!

Sara. stop!

Sara. stop running. Sara!

Sara. please.

I'm not leaving yöu.

- I know yöu love me. - I do.

I've never felt this.

I never thought I'd have the chance. and yöu gave that to me, Nelson.

- Then why are yöu doing this? - Because it's starting to happen.

I don't care.

Nelson. if yöu leave now. everything we had will be perfect forever.

Sara. life isn't perfect.

All we have is how yöu'll remember me.

And I need that memory to be strong and beautiful.

Don't yöu see?

If I know that I'm remembered that way. then I can face anything.

Anything.

Nelson. yöu're my immortality.

I want to take care of yöu.

I'm gonna be all right.

I'm going home.

They know I'm coming.

I need to do this.

It doesn't seem--

Just like I need to know that yöu'll go on and have a beautiful life.

The one yöu deserve.

I only want yöu.

yöu have me...

...forever.

Now let me go.

All right. Sara.

All right.

Close yöur eyes.

I love yöu. Nelson Moss.

I love yöu. Sara Deever.

Remember me.