Original subtitles

MTV I'm going down south, I'm gonna have myself time Friendly faces everywhere,

humble folks without temptation I'm going down south, I'm gonna leave my

to hide And we're parking day or night, people spouting hot endeavors And on the

path, I'm gonna see if I can't unwind

Come on down south out there and meet some friends of mine.

He's gone too far this time, dude. The stuff he's saying about Jews is out of

control. Bro, you just got to ignore him. Bro, it's pretty hard to ignore him

when he's saying it all on a podcast.

He actually said that all women are whores and the only thing we're good at

murdering babies.

Look, guys, just leave it alone. Don't give him any more attention.

That's easy for you to say, dude. Yeah, you are one of the multitudes of groups

he's spewing his stupid shit about.

Hey, guys, who are you talking about?

Clyde.

Clyde? Yeah, in his stupid debating podcast.

Hey, here he comes.

Whatever, guys. Prove me wrong.

Prove me wrong.

You don't know a thing about the Jewish people.

Yeah, and shut up about girls' bodies.

Well, that sounds like a very female and Jew thing to say. If you guys don't

like it, why don't you come debate me on my podcast?

We're not indulging your stupid podcast.

Yeah, screw you, fat ass.

What? What?

Now, as your counselor, I want to try and understand why you're doing all

bad things you're doing.

You know, the other students are very upset at this podcast, and what makes

think you've got to say all this stuff, Clyde?

Hey, I'm just trying to make my nut, man.

Your nut?

Yeah, you know, kids have it tough these days. We got Xbox subscriptions, PS5,

Steam subscriptions, Netflix, HBO, you want to order DoorDash. My nut's about

bucks a week.

So, you know, as a kid, if you could do a podcast, say some really divisive

shit, then you could make your nut.

Well, Clyde, there's more important things than a nut, okay?

Like what?

Well, like being nice, okay?

Making people smile.

Helping people out, that's why I became a counselor.

Yes?

Mr. Mackey, I need you to pack your stuff.

You've been fired, bud.

What? Government's doing away with needless spending in schools.

Get your things. Last paycheck's up front.

What are you talking about?

Hey, wait a minute.

PC Principal.

Power Christian Principal, yes?

I've worked here for 26 years.

We appreciate your service to this school, but the government's cutting

unnecessary expenses.

Well, what's more important than a school counselor?

Schools have one counselor now.

And he is the greatest counselor that ever lived.

Thanks for everything. Now pack your shit.

But what about my nut?

Welcome to the channel of truth, guys.

You can't trust Jews, white people are the underprivileged, and women belong at

home. I'd like to welcome our first guest to the debate, Eric Cartman.

What the hell do you think you're doing, Clyde? We're here speaking the truth

about the Jews of the underprivileged white class. That's my stick!

Knock it off, Clyde! You stole my idea!

I don't know about stealing ideas, but I do know about some amazing supplement

powders that are an absolute steal.

Supplement powder? Demand supplement powder can really help you bulk up and

the... Are you fucking serious?

People are sponsoring you for ripping me off? And it's really just the best way

to get ripped quick, so be sure to get some, and also be sure to hashtag

Clyde's Authority.

What?

So after losing my job, I realized I really better get a handle on how much I

spend a month.

Yes, Mr.

Mackey. Looking over your portfolio here, it appears you've got about an $8

a month nut.

$8 ,000 a month?

I had no idea my nut was that big.

Now, we could get you a debt consolidation loan, cancel your

downgrade your phone subscription, do a second mortgage on your house, and your

nut's still $8 ,000.

A month.

But I don't have anything, okay?

I can't find a job. Nobody's hiring counselors anymore. What am I supposed

do? Well, there are other career opportunities.

Have you considered a job with the ICE?

Help your country round up undocumented immigrants?

Us? I'm a counselor.

I help people. I would never work for us.

I understand you have to have your principles.

It's just they are offering new recruits about a $100 ,000 salary.

Say what now?

Are you looking for a new career?

Why not join the ICE?

We have jobs available now with a full $50 ,000 signing bonus.

Signing bonus?

We don't ask for experience to show up. We don't care if you've read a book or

grown up. If you're crazy or fat and lazy, we don't care at all.

I'm proud to work for the ICE.

Amen.

And now,

watch as Clyde Donovan totally destroys these woke liberal students.

Welcome to the channel, guys. Looks like a lot of whiny babies have a problem

with what I say, so prove me wrong.

Hey, hey, Clyde.

Um, well, you said nothing good ever came from the Jews, but if that's true,

are bagels so yummy?

Yeah. Well, you've obviously been taught by the Jews to have a problem with this

school and with America, so let me ask you this. What is your definition of a

woman? What is my what?

What is a woman is a very simple question.

Well, a woman is a lady friend who, you know, gives you kisses.

You see, you can't answer the question, but something is male or it is female.

Both science and scripture agree to that, and that's just the truth. Next.

Another whole student totally destroyed.

Did you call the girls' soccer team a Marxist indoctrination factory?

That is correct.

We actually beat the boys four to nothing, you know. You can whine about

American oppression all you want, but you're using an iPhone made by the free

market to complain about a system that gave it to you. Girls have it way easy

America, and that's just the truth.

Women have it good in America, just like black people do. Black people have

everything handed to them.

Motherfucker!

of people stealing my shtick. If anyone around here is going to be a master

debater, it's me.

So let's go. Who wants to debate the master debater? Let's go. You right

That's the stupidest haircut I've ever seen.

You are wrong.

Leviticus 3 .17 says it shall be a perpetual statute for your generations

throughout all your dwellings. So you can shut up, baby. You just hate America

and you love abortions.

Mr. Matthew?

Oh, yes, right here.

Have a seat, sir.

What makes you want to work for Immigration Enforcement?

Uh, well, you see, I got a nut.

All right, you're hired. Take this to the next station for your physical and

orientation video.

Well, that's it?

Now watch an orientation video featuring the director of Homeland Security.

Welcome to the team, recruits. I'm Kristi Noem, head of Homeland Security.

Well, she seems nice, okay? Very pretty.

A few years ago, I had to put my puppy down by shooting it in the face. Because

sometimes doing what's important means doing what's hard.

Now we'll ask the same determination of you.

Because detaining and questioning people is never easy.

Oh, God!

As the face of Homeland Security, I'll be leading the way.

And together we'll make sure everyone is in this country legally.

So let's get out there and get them, recruits. Together we can make it

We hope you enjoyed the presentation. Please step through to the vehicles for

your first raid.

Keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.

Lock and load, recruits. Prepare to raid.

Okay. Watch as Eric Cartman shuts down these woke liberal students.

Oh my God, what makes you think you have the right to say what I do with my

body? Let me ask you something. If a pregnant woman is killed and the baby

too, why is the killer charged with a double homicide?

Well, because people have different beliefs.

It's not about belief. It's about truth.

Science confirms life begins at conception.

So yes, Jeremiah 1 .5 says, before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. But

it's just morality that demands we protect the most vulnerable. So let me

you, when do you think life begins?

Eric, are you all right in there?

Yeah, I'm fine, Mom. I'm just in here master debating.

Well, Eric, that's enough. Let's get out of the bathroom.

I can't, Mom. I'm master debating to these young college girls.

That's very naughty, Eric. Stop it.

Mom, I finally got sponsored by a protein powder, so I gotta master debate

couple more hours.

Leviticus 9, 1 through 8. Leave me alone.

recruits, this is it. We're heading to a location that might be filled with

illegals. Let's take these bad hombres down.

for questioning.

Cooperate and nothing battle. Holy shit!

Look, I'm really sorry about this. It's just I got a

monthly nut, you know?

I gotta make my nut.

You did a good job in there, soldier.

Okay, thank you, Captain.

I know it's tough doing what's hard.

But we could use more men of our beauty.

Whoa! What the fuck?

Your Botox, Miss Nom?

Oh, yeah. Fix me up. Fix me up.

Another day doing what's tough.

Yes. Yes.

Yeah, but a body growing inside a woman's body is not her body. It's a

completely separate thing.

Eric, what are you doing?

I'm sorry, Mom.

You told me to go to sleep, but I started master debating again.

This is really getting to be a problem, Eric.

Mom, you don't understand.

I'm getting really good at this. I have my arguments down rock solid. These

young college girls are totally unprepared, so I can just destroy them

edit out all the ones that actually argue back well. It just feels so good.

understand it feels good, but that doesn't mean you do it all the time.

I'm sorry, Mommy.

Put the computer away and leave those poor college girls alone.

Okay, I won't master debate anymore tonight.

Look, look, you can call it reproductive rights, but be honest. If the baby

could speak, it would fight for its right to live. Eric Cartman! I got it,

Tom, another protest today as thousands turned out in downtown Denver to voice

their outrage against the ICE.

This is just out of control.

A lot of the people being targeted in these raids are kind...

Hardworking, deeply faithful people who care for their families. I have no doubt

that there are many, many Latinos in heaven.

Oh, this is bad.

Okay.

Detain the brown one. If it's brown, it goes down. Jesus, look out!

There's another one flying over here. Catch him! Catch him!

I just need to ask you some questions, okay? Make sure you're legal.

How did you get into heaven?

I don't...

I was really nice to people, and I helped various charities.

Look, I'm really sorry about this, but I'm just trying to make my night.

Mackie, I need a word.

Yes, Captain?

You did another great job out there, Mackie. I like your style.

Oh, thank you.

President's handing out bonuses to recruits that stand out, and I'm going

recommend you for the next... Oh!

Grab it!

No more brownies in heaven.

Hello and welcome to the third annual Charlie Kirk Award for Young Master

Debaters.

More and more young people today are learning to fight for America through

master debation.

We're here to honor the recent efforts of a brave young man who has been

furiously master debating for the past several days and has won himself not

this trophy, but also an all -expenses -paid vacation to a beautiful five -star

resort.

He has proven himself the true champion.

Please welcome the best young master debater of our time, Clyde Donovan.

Light!

No! That's my trip to a five -star resort! Come on, Eric, let's go.

Thanks, everyone.

The Civil Rights Act was a huge mistake, and, uh, I don't know, lesbians are an

abomination of God.

You all stole my stick!

Okay,

we

got some of your pay stubs in.

Let's see how that nut's looking.

Well, seems you got some bonuses for rounding up the most Mexicans.

Shh! We don't round up Mexicans, okay? We just detain foreigners who might be

illegal. Okay.

Well, after taxes and with your bonuses, it looks like you've got about 10 grand

a month to spend.

Oh, I do?

Yes, and your nut's up to about 12 grand a month.

What? But my nut was only 8 grand a week ago.

Right, but you got a good paying job.

You see, as you make more money, your nut actually gets bigger.

How is that possible?

It's all right if you can just get a few more bonuses. We can refinance the

house, divide that by the number of Mexicans you detain, and of course

any Costa Ricans you might incur to the... Hey!

Nobody move!

Here he is over here.

Come on, Mackie. Need to talk to you outside.

Talk to me? About what?

What's this all about?

Congratulations, recruit.

I talked to the president about your accomplishments, and he says he wants to

help you with your nut.

Really? He does?

That's right. We have orders to get you on a plane. The president wants to thank

you personally.

Congratulations. He's invited you to Mar -a -Lago.

Mar -a -Lago?

Whoa, wow.

is here from Immigration and Customs Involvement. I know, stupid. Let's go.

Hey, buddy. Welcome to Moronago.

Oh, thank you, Mr. President.

What is his fantasy, boss?

Will you get out of here?

Listen, buddy.

I want to offer you an incredible opportunity.

How would you like to make more money than you ever thought possible?

Well, I do have a pretty huge nut.

Now, that's the kind of talk I like.

Mar -a -Lago is for everyone that's got a nut.

I'm giving you a promotion.

You'll have access to all that Mar -a -Lago has to offer.

I want to make you the new face of Homeland Security.

But, Mr. President, I thought Chrissy Noem was the face of Homeland Security.

but her face freaks me out. So what do you say?

Well, I do need a high -paying job.

Excellent. Now let's take care of that nut for you.

Hey, Satan.

Meet the new face of Homeland Security.

Whoa! Oh, my God!

I just want to go. This place is gross.

Would you like me to apply the baby oil to Satan's asshole, boss?

Okay, look, I think there's been a misunderstanding.

I'm going to take a little break here.

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

Backpack.

Backpack. Oh, God, Dora the Explorer, excuse me.

What?

Not right now, sir. I've kind of had enough.

What are you doing here?

Young man?

Just trying to make my nut, sir.

Didn't really want all this.

Oh, well, young man, uh...

I kind

of know what you're going through, okay?

I know we all have a lot of pressures and we all want nice things, okay,

But if you're doing something you don't really believe in, just to make your

nut, you're going to find that you just get sadder and your nut just gets

bigger.

Okay?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

But who are you?

I'm a goddamn counselor, that's what I am.

This place isn't right for either of us. There's got to be someone that can help

get us out.

All right, got him!

Trying to replace me as the face of Homeland Security, huh?

Hey, relax, guy.

Who could replace a face like that?

Think I can't handle myself because I'm a lady with good looks?

You two, come on!

We got it! We got it!

Another job well done!