Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[applause and cheers]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[emcee] Please welcome Ryan Hamilton.

[louder applause and cheers]

Thank you. Wow!

Thank you very much, thank you very much!

Thank you, thank you!

This is so nice. Thank you very much.

Where do you want to begin? Should we start with my face?

Should we? I always look like this.

I look really happy all the time and I don't feel like this.

I really don't. I feel...

I feel OK and I look crazy happy.

And I don't even buy it.

I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and I go,

"Well, that is inaccurate."

Uh... I don't know...

I don't know what you want me to do? I just walk around, people go,

"Look at that chipper fella."

And I go, "I'm OK. I'm fine. I'm fine."

I think I could sell ice cream in the 50's, maybe.

I think that's the kind of look that I have.

-[laughter, applause] -[chuckles]

Yeah. No, I think I can really move some ice cream, you know.

I can't go places like this. I can't just show up at a funeral.

You know, uh...

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

It's very inappropriate, very inappropriate.

I can't ask a girl out, you know.

"What're you doing tomorrow?"

I don't want to drop a bomb on you right away like this but I'm single.

-Now, uh... -[cat call from audience]

Yeah, well, I'm trying not to be single,

which sounds desperate, doesn't it? I mean, you shouldn't say that out loud.

It's true, but there's no woman in earshot of that statement going,

"That's the one."

Dibs on that smiley, desperate fella over there, you know.

But it is real. I mean, part of your single life's great,

you got freedom, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, right?

Maybe somebody wanders into your life, maybe not, you don't care.

It's a great place to be. Do you know that place?

I'm not there, anymore.

Here's where I am.

I sit at home alone, wondering, "Is this healthy?"

That's where I'm at right now.

Maybe it's not healthy, you know.

Freedom is great but I don't pop up alone in bed in the middle of the night going,

"I can do whatever I want."

I'm not rolling around in bed going,

"Look at the freedom. I have so much freedom.

Freedom..."

I'm not bravehearting in bed at 3:00 a.m. Do you understand?

I'm not watching infomercials and eating a lean cuisine

because I'm living life on my terms.

You're the only people I've talked to today.

This is it. This is all I do. I just do this, then I go home

and think of things to tell strangers tomorrow.

It's a weird way to live...

life.

Sometimes my phone will ring at 4 o'clock in the afternoon

and I have to warm my voice up.

Have you ever had that terrifying moment?

You're like, "The world needs me.

♪ La-la-la ♪"

"Hello, how are you?

No, I've been up for hours but I'm laying down. I'm laying down."

Thank you for being here. It's so nice to be in New York City.

[loud applause and cheers]

[whistling]

Yeah... I do love this city.

I'm from Idaho.

Nobody's disputing that.

I look like where I'm from.

Don't I? I mean...

You don't look at me right away and go, "That guy is from Idaho."

But when I say it loud, everybody thinks,

"That makes sense to me. I think that guy...

is legit from Idaho."

New Yorkers have no clue, you know.

"Where are you from?" "Idaho."

"Why?"

That's what it feels like, "Why?"

I don't know, that's where I done been borned, that's why.

That's where God done birth me.

Then they'll try to connect. They go, "I know it."

"You know it? Congratulations. It's a state in your country.

You should know it."

Then they go, "No, I know it."

This is what you tell me, "It's in the Midwest."

No, it isn't.

I know there are people in here right now going,

"He doesn't know what he's talking about."

That's how New Yorkers are. I'm from there.

I'm telling you, you're wrong.

And you're still, like, "He doesn't get it."

You have created geography that does not exist.

If you are a New Yorker, it's New York, LA...and the Midwest.

That's all there is, in your heads, just...

Yeah.

It's just one big red state.

Everything past Jersey is corn cob pipes and coveralls.

In a New Yorker's fantasy Idaho, everybody I put down my banjo,

so I can harvest all the 'taters in my backyard, you know.

I'm just waiting for the dinner bell to ring,

so I can go in and watch some Hee Haw with my ma.

I could be from Narnia,

I'd get the same response from New Yorkers.

They have no clue.

I'm from a town of 1,000 people.

You say that out loud in New York City and the feeling that comes back is,

"Can we send money?"

Yeah. I'm from a small refugee camp in Idaho.

Anything is helpful. Anything.

There's a little attitude in this city. We can be honest about that, right?

New Yorkers say stuff, like, "I could never live anywhere else..."

[groans]

Come on.

I think you could pull it together. I really do.

I think if you really focused,

you could learn how to grocery shop in Milwaukee, you know.

This is the only place you can live? This is the only place I've been

where people just walk around openly weeping.

-That's the only place... -[laughter]

...you feel comfy.

Every other street corner there's a shattered man and nobody cares.

That's where I feel most at home.

"I could never live..."

[exaggerated babbling]

New Yorkers think they are going to wander into any other town and be, like,

"I'm the mayor now."

-"Oh, really?" -[laughter]

"Yeah, I took a look around the city

and I'm the mayor."

"Why is that?" "I'm from New York City."

"I had no idea. Here's the key. Please.

Everyone, our savior's here. We have so many questions."

Then they always come back with this, "But Ryan, Ryan...

if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere."

No.

That's not true.

Frank Sinatra put that in one song and everybody went "that's a fact."

It's not true. I've never heard a more blanket statement

with zero evidence behind it in my life.

It's, like, one New Yorker said that and every other New Yorker went...

Mm-hmm.

You know what he said, "We can do anything, anywhere."

I'm from a town of 1000 people in Idaho

and I don't think New Yorkers could make it there.

"What happened?" "I don't know, we wandered off

looking for gluten-free cupcakes and, uh...

Where are they? They are always right here.

They are always right here."

[applause]

Three days later we found a body.

Uh...

turns out he couldn't make it here.

Maybe New York City is the easiest place to make it.

Have you ever thought of that?

I mean, sure, you get lost but you pop up out of the subway

and go, "The streets have numbers and I see six delis,

I think I'm gonna make it.

I made it."

What do you mean, "You made it?" What do you mean?

Like, there are people who came to this country

and this city with nothing and made it.

But I don't feel like those are the people who are saying those words.

What do you mean, "You made it"? It feels like your father's paying your rent

and you got a job tweeting for a startup is what it feels like.

[laughter]

Look it, half of the room shut down right there. Hey!

-Hey! Hey! -[laughter, applause]

"Wait a minute, I'm a social media director

and I'm a writer, and I had to live in the Village.

It's the only place I feel inspired.

I had to ask my father. It's the bravest thing I've ever done."

[laughter]

Look...

it's a strange time to be from anywhere in our country.

People keep going, "I don't know who all these Trump voters are."

I'm from a town of 1000 people in Idaho.

I know who they are.

I know who they are, you know.

And I'm not a political comedian, but it's, like, I am now, a little bit, uh...

How can you not be, a little bit?

I haven't had a conversation in a very long time

that hasn't ended with, "Well, it's going to be interesting."

Gonna be real interesting.

I will never forget election day.

Did you go to an election viewing party? Those turned around quick, didn't they?

Have you even been to a party that became not a party in the middle?

Halfway through everybody went,

"I guess I'll go watch this alone in the dark. I don't know."

I think even people who voted for Trump looked at that and went,

-"That doesn't look right." -[laughter]

But the next day, that was the strangest day of all, wasn't it?

The next day that was--

You went home, you slept for four fitful hours,

then you woke up wide-eyed,

and you walked over to your window, you looked outside, and you went,

"Looks okay, I guess.

I guess I'm gonna go out there."

And then you left your home and that was the strangest feeling

on the strangest day, wasn't it?

Just walking outside, like, "Here we go.

All right.

Out into the new normal. Okay, just walking around."

-You know, just... -[applause and cheers]

-[whooping] -Wha...

Making eye contact with people, like,

"I don't know. I'm going to work, I guess. I don't know.

Are you going to work? We're all going to work."

And I'm not trying to be divisive.

I grew up how you thought I would grow up.

Really. My grandfather gave me a shotgun for my 12th birthday.

He said "Try and be careful", you know.

And I did, I grew up quick.

I could drive at 14,

legally anywhere, alone.

I'm doing things that New Yorkers don't do until their late 30's.

-[laughter] -I mean...

[emphatic applause]

We were all driving around tractors with guns in the eighth grade.

It was like Mad Max meets Lord of the Flies,

or something crazy.

I didn't know what to do when I first showed up here.

I'd just get in line for things. That's what it felt like.

I'd just wake up in the morning and go, "Let's go get in some lines,

get into the hustle and bustle of the city, you know."

One day, I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful people

on the way to the Statue of Liberty,

and what I realized is that all these boat tour companies

have actually managed to just, kind of, recreate the immigrant experience.

Uh...

I don't even think they are aware of what they're doing.

But ten minutes in, all I could think was,

"Get me to America. I don't wanna be here anymore.

I gotta get off this boat and get a job and feed my family, you know."

I have true empathy for any immigrant. I really do.

I mean-- Well, I moved from rural Idaho to Hell's Kitchen, Manhattan.

Now, uh...

you may not call me an immigrant, but... I will.

[laughter]

And I know that is brazen, teetering on ignorance.

But, hear me out.

I don't have a community, do you understand? It's just me.

You won't find another. Go ahead.

There's no little... There's no little side street in the East Village

where you get the best baked potato in town, you know.

It's just me, walking around, looking for my family.

It's just different worlds.

I don't even know what to tell my family when I call home.

My mom will go, "How was your day?"

"Well, I saw a guy smoking crack on the train."

Then my mom will go, "Oh, we had a moose in the yard."

[laughter]

I did see a guy smoking crack on the train.

People don't believe me but I know it was crack.

I know it.

Even New Yorker's, like, "You didn't see it."

I know it was crack.

Do you know how I know?

Because it wasn't marijuana

and I don't know what the other options are.

[laughter]

-[applause] -So...

It's kind of like, you go ahead and tell me what that was, you know.

This guy wandered onto the train and he didn't look great.

You know how sometimes you see somebody and you go, "I wonder what his story is."

Well, he told us.

[laughter]

I mean, really more in actions than words,

I would say.

He sat down and pulled out, what I would call an "apparatus",

and he started to barbeque it right there.

He's got a three-inch flame.

There's smoke floating around.

It's a scene.

By the way, it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to see this.

I've never seen anything like this.

One guys goes,

"Hey, you can't do that in here."

Yeah, I think he knows.

Uh... he seems like a bit of an out of the box thinker.

This fella, he...

he might be bending a rule or two here and there.

What are you talking about? "You can't do that in here?"

He said it like he expected him to go,

"Oh geez, I'm sorry. Am I on a train again?

For crying out loud, I never do this.

This is very unlike me.

Are those children? I am mortified."

There's another guy, five seats down from him,

on the same side of the train, who doesn't break his forward gaze,

he's got this peripheral vision going on, like,

"Something's going down. and I will not acknowledge it."

And he takes his hat off and waves it in front of his face

in a motion that says

"I'm on my way to a job interview. I cannot get high on crack,

right now.

What kind of a city is this?

I'm just trying not to get high on crack."

[laughter]

"What happened?"

"I accidentally got high on crack.

I mean, you know how it is."

The train comes to a stop

and I decided to get off because I'm not much of a partier.

[laughter]

And there are four people who want to get onto the train

and I have this thought, "I need to present a small

public service announcement."

Then the doors open up like a little show.

Do you know that moment?

We're just, like, "Guess who's from 34 Street?"

You know, and then...

with my $1,000 Idaho face,

like I solved a Hardy Boys mystery,

I go,

"Somebody's smokin' crack in there."

[laughter]

Three people walked to the next car,

one guy wandered in and went, "Which guy?"

I don't smoke or drink, or any-- I've never had fun.

I, uh... I don't drink at all.

I've never drank and people don't like you when you say that.

I... People...

Like, if you drank and then you stop drinking,

people go, "OK,"

but if you never drank, the attitude's more, like,

"You are an alien and I'd rather not have you in my life."

[laughter]

It's very difficult to be social.

You don't want me around. Like, some nights it's OK,

but a lot of nights I get this feeling back from the group, like,

"We all got together and we realized you're going to remember most of this.

We'd rather you went home, if you don't mind.

We don't want take a little black box with us on this disaster

that's about to occur."

Now what you don't think about is it goes both ways.

Your drinking affects my life. Do you ever think about that?

It's true because I'm a good listener.

And so I listen and I listen and I listen and I'm fine with that, really.

What I'm not OK with is the next day.

Do you know what happens the next day?

I end up alone in a park, waiting for a picnic...

that doesn't exist.

There is no picnic. Picnic into the wind.

It's just me on a blanket with baby carrots and cheese cubes,

waiting for someone with a five digit phone number to try and call.

Now...

you don't get that kind of detail on a joke unless you've actually lived it,

is what I want you to know.

I never get offered drugs.

I know I have that look about me, but, uh...

I was standing on the street corner.

There's this guy on the other side of the street

and he gives me one these head nods, you know?

Where I'm from that means,

"How's your crop doing?"

[laughter]

[applause]

And I'm a friendly guy so I gave him one back.

I said, "My crops are fine."

He walked over and flashed me this hand full of these little white pills

and he said, "Hey man, you want some of the good stuff?"

I didn't know what to say. It kinda caught me off guard, right?

Here's what Idaho boy was thinking, "Don't be rude."

[laughter]

That's what went through my head. "Don't be rude to a drug dealer."

I felt like I was turning down dessert after Grandma baked me a pie, you know.

"Oh no, thanks, I just had a big batch of ecstasy for lunch. I'm fine."

You know, people don't think you can become well-rounded

when you're from a small town but I really think that you can

because you have to do everything. Do you know what I mean?

Like, if you're not in the high school musical in a town of a 1000 people,

it doesn't exist.

You have to be in it, and I'm not talking about students.

This is everybody has to be involved.

[laughter]

And sports is really king.

I don't know if I need to tell you this but I'm not much of an athlete, you know.

But you have to do it.

It's, like, "I don't wanna." "Get in there!" "I don't wanna!"

"Get in there! You're going to get injured and also going to be in Mary Poppins.

That's just how your life's gonna turn out."

We have a big parade every year on the 4th of July.

It's the biggest event in my town every year, there are 500 people in the parade

and 500 people who are watching the parade.

We have exactly enough people to have a parade.

If someone stayed home, they're kind of ruining the parade, you know.

What I love about the parade is after it's over nobody leaves,

nobody has anywhere to go.

There's only one suitable street in my town for a parade.

When the parade gets out of town, it doesn't know what to do either.

And there's this moment of confusion, then it flips around, and it comes back.

And everybody just watches the other side of the parade again.

I like it better the second time, you know.

I like sports but I can't talk sports with you.

I don't have a team, which kind of blows East Coaster's minds.

It's, like, "Who's your team?"

"I don't know. Denver. It's a day-and-a-half's journey."

[laughter]

I just-- People get too wrapped up into sports, you know.

Do you ever watch a game with someone and just go,

"Where are your meds in case this goes south, you know?"

It's too much.

One of my friends... he needed the Cavs to win in this NBA series

-or he wouldn't be OK. -[man] Yeah!

-Yeah. Well... -[laughter]

They win and he's elated.

But it feels inflated, I'm waiting for a crash.

And then...

he says, "I'm gonna tell you a secret.

I prayed that they would win.

I prayed for every player, by name, that they'd each be able to achieve

their potential." Now...

Look, there's nothing wrong with that. But here's what I thought.

"You're on your third divorce.

You have a couple of addictions that I know about.

We both know that eviction notice is looming.

Now, that's OK. That's called life.

I'm your friend. We get through everything, that's life.

But here's what I'm surprised about.

I'm surprised about the things you have decided to pray for."

I mean, I think...

I think even God is going, "OK, if that's what you want.

You know, I haven't heard from you in a while so I'm gonna give it you.

But I want you to know, I'm looking at LeBron and I'm looking at you,

and I just feel I could do some things for you, you know?

And... I also want you to know that LeBron hasn't said a word about you.

Not even a..."

[laughter]

But the athleticism, I can't help but be inspired.

Every time the Olympics roll around, I have this thought,

"One year I'm gonna pull it together," you know,

which is ludicrous.

But I'm having these thoughts and I realized I think there is a place for...

me in the Olympics.

Now...

that's a bold statement but...

all these athletes are competing at such elite levels

and competing with other elite athletes

and winning by the very narrowest of margins, right?

It's very difficult to have perspective.

[laughter]

What we need is a control group.

Let's insert an average human into each one of these events.

-[laughter] -Yeah!

Of course.

Can you imagine? Can you imagine?

"Michael Phelps hoarding medals one after another

has yet again won this race.

But this race is not over

because here comes Tim from Human Resources."

[laughter]

"What would you call that stroke? Is that a mix between breast and back?

Or what is that exactly?"

Turns out Tim's treading water at the moment.

Tim needed a bit of a breather.

"I also read that on a dare, Tim agreed to eat nothing but chili

for three days,

leading up to these Olympic games.

I'm not a doctor but those might be cramps.

Those may be the first Olympic cramps."

"Did you notice that Tim decided to wear board shorts for this event?

It's gotta create some drag.

But hopefully those flippers that the officials seem to be overlooking,

will make up the difference.

Let's hope so for Tim's sake in these Olympic games."

-[laughter, cheers] -I-- Well...

I'm relatively healthy, I think,

although I recently tried to cancel my gym membership.

Have you ever heard a lazier statement in your life than "I tried to cancel"?

You can't get out of a gym membership. It's impossible.

You gotta call a guy, he's got an unlisted number in a basement.

It's like, "I'd like to cancel my gym membership."

"Sure, solve this riddle."

[laughter]

I've walked off street gangs easier than canceling gym memberships.

He said, "If you really wanna cancel,

there are two ways,"

like I was on a quest.

There aren't two ways. There's just one way,

I tell you and then you do it. That's it, that's the only way.

We're actually halfway done right now.

If you would just meet me in the middle,

we could close the case on this one.

He said, "The first way is you can come in and cancel in person."

Nope, it's not that one.

You wanna have a meeting? What's that conversation going to be?

"As you can see, I spent $2,600 on four workouts. Now..."

[laughter]

"...from where I'm standing,

the grounds for cancellation are pretty solid, you know.

I've been crunching some numbers over here and I'm on a quarterly workout plan

and it's feeling a little financially irresponsible.

So...

if you could please just let me out."

I don't even use my gym. I wander in every three months and I go,

"I don't know how to do this."

My entire workout, the whole thing,

is based on whatever machine is open.

That's how I do it.

I walk around like a lost toddler for three and a half minutes,

then I go, "I guess I'm going to do neck today."

-I don't know. -[laughter]

Just gonna bang out a few on the scoliosis machine.

People are like, "What's wrong with that guy?"

"I don't know. He does this, like, every seven weeks or so."

"Should I sign another waiver?"

I do three sets of neck, both sides, and...

then I go home. That's the whole thing.

And it cost, I don't know, $750.

Does that seem like a fair exchange to anyone?

People are, like, "Your neck looks great." "Well, yeah, that's all I do, you know."

I eat two pints of ice cream a week and I do three sets of neck, both sides.

He said, "If you don't want to come in and cancel in person, there's a second way."

Oh, I'm on pins and needles over here.

Do tell, I can't wait to hear about the second way

to cancel my gym membership.

Here's what he said, "You can write a letter."

He didn't laugh after he said that.

Write a letter?

I got upset, you know why?

Because I didn't sign this contract during the Civil War.

[laughter]

We don't write letters anymore. I don't even know how.

I was at home, Googling, "How do you write a letter?"

[old-timey voice] "Dear My Gym,

I feel the time has come

for us to part ways.

Although your neck machine has proven challenging,

I fear the cost has become exorbitant.

Furthermore,

we spoke on the phone on Tuesday

and this letter rings redundant, sir.

Please let me out.

Sincerely, Private Ryan T. Hamilton."

[resounding applause]

[cheers]

If someone asked you to write a letter in this modern age, they're bullying you.

That's how I felt, I felt bullied. You know why?

I had to buy 50 envelopes in order to write...

one letter. I don't even have letter writing stuff.

I was wandering around my apartment going, "Maybe I can make an envelope,"

or something like that, you know, maybe.

Maybe I can cull together some of these raw materials

and somehow fashion an envelope, but no.

I have 49 envelopes left. It's a lifetime's worth of envelopes.

My children's children will have envelopes.

They'll be telling stories about how their grandfather

"walked to the CVS in a full-on rage.

And brought back this now tattered box of envelopes,

so that we could also cancel our gym memberships.

By the way, he had to walk by his gym in order to purchase them.

He could have gone in and had a meeting but he was in too deep.

The letters were written and the story will be told."

I don't have grandkids. I don't have kids. I don't have anyone.

-Now... -[laughter]

It's not completely true.

I recently became an uncle.

-Uh, I just... -[man] Yeah! Whoo!

Well, I just thought it was time.

I just thought I'm ready to take on this responsibility, you know.

I don't know if there's ever going to be a right time.

I don't know if I'm ever going to feel completely ready, so I just did it.

And... my life is so full.

I feed myself and I visit this kid occasionally.

I love my nephew very much, but babies scare me.

Is that a legitimate thing to say?

Who else just stares at you all day, every day, just...

I don't care how old you are, that is socially unacceptable behavior.

Do you ever look into a baby's eyes? They will pierce your soul.

Like, "what do you know, baby?"

[laughter]

People always say "It's different if it's yours. It's different."

Well, what if it isn't?

I'm just gonna base this decision on your Yelp review?

I don't know.

And all my friends have kids, you know?

"Do you want to hold the baby?

Come on, hold the baby."

I didn't even wanna see your baby.

It's just the most awkward ten minutes of my life.

I'm trying not to make eye contact the whole time.

"It's different if I'm yours. It's different."

[laughter]

I went to Disney World alone.

That is funny but it's hard to laugh at.

Now, uh...

You're not supposed to go to Disney World alone.

It was an accident. I didn't mean to.

I had a big gig at a Disney resort

at 3 o'clock in the afternoon for 3,000 stay-at-home mothers.

They were unhinged.

[laughter]

I'm not supposed to be done with work during the day.

I didn't know what to do.

I went to Disney World alone and there's only one way to play it,

and that's lost.

Just walking around, like, "Where's my group? I thought I had a group.

[laughter]

Has anyone seen a group with one missing?

No? I guess, I'll just make the most of it."

It became less of an amusement park and more of like a reflection park.

You know what I mean? Just a place to kind of ponder,

"How can I prevent this from ever happening again?"

Hey, I don't know if you've ever been sad on a roller coaster,

-but, uh... -[laughter]

...it's not impossible. You can do it.

They make you ride alone. Did you know that?

If you show up to Disney World alone, they make you ride alone.

I think it's in some manual somewhere.

"If some freak shows up alone,

don't let him ruin another patron's Magic Kingdom experience."

And they make you declare that you are alone. Did you know that?

You wait in line for an hour and they go, "How many are in your group?

"Ten.

But I lost my group."

"Are you alone, sir?"

-"Well, I'm not with anyone." -[laughter]

"How far do you wanna take this?"

And they go, "Go stand over here."

Everybody else is in lines and then a car rolls up,

and two people get out and they go, "That's all for you."

I said, "What about the hundreds of people waiting in line?

They said, "We don't wanna inconvenience them with your presence.

So, just go ahead. Spread out."

Then what they do is they take a picture of that.

-So... yeah. -[laughter]

[applause]

So that you can remember forever the saddest photobomb

from the happiest place on earth.

Just six people, with their arms in the air,

and one guy in the back, like, "I don't know, I'm kind of indifferent.

I think this is healthy for my back."

We take pictures of anybody, just strangers, you know.

You are on the Internet. "I don't wanna be on the Internet."

Well, you shouldn't be standing around then. You know, like...

This is kind of on you. You shouldn't be standing around on planet Earth

if you don't wanna be on the Internet.

We just-- everything-- just walking around, like, "Got it. Got it.

Hello. Got it."

Why? Do you ever go through the photos in your phone? They're not that great.

They're really not.

It's, like, "Why are there 12 pictures of pancakes in a row?"

"Uh, I don't know.

Just putting together a little pancake exhibition, you know.

I'm an artist." It's gonna change things.

What's an attorney if every thing's recorded, you know?

Really. Eventually, it'll be a guy who just wheels in a screen and everyone goes,

-"Well, looks like you did it." -[laughter]

"You know, thanks for coming in. Watch your Twitter feed for your sentence.

That's how we do it now."

I mean, I guess that's a benefit, but I...

I don't know how people feel anymore. Do you have that inside of you?

Like, we have all this ability as human beings to communicate

with nuance and there's expression, and subtlety, there's back-and-forth,

and we just send out a smiley face and go,

-"I hope that covers it." You know? -[laughter]

There's a lot going in here but...

"salsa dancing girl." Uh...

[laughter]

I think I made my point.

"Are you ready?" "No, I thought we were going bowling

and I feel a little under-dressed for Flamenco dancing."

These little things, they pack way too much weight, you know.

A period in the wrong place, it can just ruin my day, really.

"You wanna go to dinner?" "No. Period."

[groans] I get it, I get it, we're not going to dinner,

but can I say your period is unnecessary

and hurting my feelings.

I don't need it in my life.

There's enough finality, and no, I don't need it, you know?"

We've ruined exclamation points. People send four, six.

"Where are we going? Ahh!!!!"

Just send one, it's not a scale, you know.

But if I send one I feel like the other end is going,

"Is this sarcasm? What is this?"

This is how we meet people.

People always tell me, "you should meet somebody on the Internet."

But they do with this attitude, like,

"I would never, but I think that's a good idea for you."

-[laughter] -Do you know people like that?

There are people in here right now, on their second or third Internet date

just both looking straight ahead going, "Please drop this topic."

They don't even want to admit it to each other

but that's just how people meet and it's OK.

I know these solid couples who meet on the Internet.

You ask 'em, "How did you meet?" This is what happens.

The women go, "We met on the Internet."

And then the men go, "Please stop telling people that."

Now I think... I think it's because the attitude is a little different.

When a woman gets on the Internet to find someone,

correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel, like, the attitude is,

"I'm just exploring my options."

When a man gets on the Internet to meet someone,

do you know what the attitude is?

"I have depleted all my options.

There is nowhere else to go.

Let's search the universe because that's all that's left.

It's just a Hail Mary pass into the ether.

Is anybody open? Anybody? Somebody catch that, please.

I'm not dating anymore, I'm data mining.

I'm just swimming through ones and zeros, just..."

All my friends now are on these, uh,

location-based dating apps. Do you know what I'm talking about?

When I say all my friends are on these location-based dating apps,

what I mean is, I'm on all these location-based dating apps.

[laughter]

We have all these devices constantly broadcasting our location, right?

So here's what dating has become in the modern world.

"Who's right here, right now?"

It's like we're hunting fugitives on the run or something, you know.

"Set a ten-mile perimeter, close all the roads.

She's got a five-mile head start. Move it! Move it!"

It's, like, "Who are you interested in?" "Everyone in a 100-yard radius.

Basically, I'm just not really into long distance relationships."

"But what's your type?" "Just people near me.

Just in the general area."

There's just this... nothing romantic about it.

It's real people with feelings and emotions

but just through your life so quickly. How is this healthy, just--

"No. No. No."

Just a stream of human sorrow one after another, like,

"Not good enough. Do you know who I am?"

[laughter]

"Maybe."

I signed up.

-Uh... -[laughter]

...it changed my life.

I went from feeling pretty good about myself

to feeling like a leper, alone in a room, typing.

That's what it felt like, just, "Oh, look, she likes the outdoors too."

I can't believe how many people like the outdoors online.

It really blows my mind.

There are a lot of hypocrites on the Internet at home

with carpal tunnel syndrome typing about their love for hiking.

Am I wrong?

Maybe I'm being harsh. I don't know...

I tried speed dating.

If one rejection a week isn't enough for you,

you should give this a go,

because 30 an hour is a real rush. It really is.

It feels like...

[applause]

It feels like emotional whack-a-mole to me.

It's just, like, "Stay down."

[laughter]

I believe in romance.

But I have to admit I'm not good at it.

I go too big, too early.

Do you know that guy?

There are a dozen men in here right now going, "Sing it, brother."

[laughter]

The too big, too early guy!

Date two, you are on a horse drawn carriage ride just both going,

"Well maybe a salad would have been appropriate, you know."

We got this horse involved, just like, clip-clop, clip-clop.

"What's your last name?"

"Clip-clop, clip-clop."

Putting too much pressure on this conversation, you know.

Those horse drawn carriage rides, they're all over Manhattan,

I feel sorry for the horse, don't you?

I was walking down the street with a friend of mine,

who happened to be out of work, and we saw one of these horse drawn carriage rides

and I said to him, "I feel sorry for the horse."

Do you know what he came back with? "I bet he's happy to just have a job."

-That's what he told me. -[laughter]

That's the point you're at in your life, jealous of the animals who are working?

-[laughter] -He's got an attitude, like,

"These horse are coming over here, stealing all our jobs."

It's time to tune-up your resume, I'm afraid.

You're a horse and you live in Manhattan? I have so many questions for you.

Where do you go home to at night, you know?

In my head he's got a fourth floor stable walk-up in Chinatown.

He's gotta clump up the stairs at 3:00 AM and kicks open the door and he goes,

"I gotta get out of this city.

They told me if I can make it in Kentucky, I could make it here."

[laughter]

[applause]

I went on a hot air balloon ride with a girl.

I thought that would be...

romantic.

It's terrifying. It's not romantic.

There are all these obstacles.

You have to get up at 5 o'clock in the morning

Did you know that? Hot air balloons, they don't even work during the day.

I didn't know that.

We were finished at 7:00 AM with our romantic experience.

Where do you go from there? "Do you wanna hit Denny's? Is that what we should do?"

"Do you wanna take a 12-hour nap and I'll pick you up?"

Those are all the options.

It looks peaceful and serene from the ground.

I got up there and I realized, this is panic inducing is what it is.

I have a death grip on a wicker basket in the sky.

It's made of wicker! Why are we flying around in wicker?

I don't trust wicker on the ground, you know.

Have you ever sat on anything wicker? This is the whole thing.

You just sit down and go, "It's breaking, I can hear it breaking."

"Did you know your furniture's made of weeds? Did you know that?"

It's a tiny wicker basket in the sky

By the way, everyone, attached to a flame thrower.

-Is that a good idea? -[laughter]

Who approved that? It's a deathtrap.

Where's the FAA?

I gotta take off my shoes to board a flight,

but I can fly around on patio furniture...

[laughter]

...attached to a campfire? That's OK?

[applause]

And the basket is so small. If you saw this basket in your kitchen,

this is what would go through your head: "Bananas."

[laughter]

"We'll put some fruit in there or something."

You'd never look at it and go, "We gotta fly around in that, you know?

We gotta get some people up in the sky

in that tiny wicker basket."

And there's a man in there with us. There's another person.

I've never been in any romantic scenario ever and thought,

"If we had a stranger in the corner, that'd really make this moment.

If there was just someone three feet away, who didn't wanna be there."

[laughter]

[applause]

He's as far away as he can possibly be

and I can hear him breathing.

It's weird.

I don't like the guy. He calls himself a pilot.

I don't know everything, but that feels a little generous.

You don't even know where we are going, do you?

Let's make a deal, you tell me where we are going

and I will call you Captain.

I asked him, "Where are we going?" Do you know what he said?

"I've got up or down. What do you want?"

What do I want? Down is what I want.

I'm terrified of your flaming deathtrap in the sky.

It's the only form of transportation

once you land, someone has to come pick you up,

and take you back to where you started.

Then you can get where you wanna go. It doesn't work.

Someone invented it and said, "We can fly." "Where?"

"We're working on that, you know?

And you're actually being a little picky, frankly."

It's impractical, you know. No one's ever said, "I gotta run to the store."

"Take the balloon."

[laughter]

"It's just sitting out there. No one ever uses the dumb thing."

Did you know they crash every time? Did you know that?

There's no landing in a hot air balloon. It's only crashing.

In your head it kinda floats down gently to the earth.

But that's not reality. No.

Reality involves an angle and velocity, and it attacks the earth

like a wicker shovel with just an enormous sail

just drug across the earth.

If you happen to survive, you roll out and dust yourself off,

and go, "Happy Anniversary."

[laughter]

"Do you wanna get some eggs? It's 7 o'clock in the morning.

Captain Crash said he knows a joint."

Someone told me

that the hot air balloon became popular during the Civil War.

You remember back when we used to write letters?

[laughter]

He said because they'd use it to spy on each other's armies.

I don't know if that's true.

But I cannot come up with a scenario where that is even possible.

How?

"They are right in front of you.

No, I think they can hear me too, I guess. I don't know."

[laughter]

"They can definitely see me, that's for sure.

This thing has 12 colors. Where did you get this?

It says RE/MAX on the side.

OK, they are shooting at me now, so..."

Comedy is pretty tough.

Sometimes people don't like eight minutes of straight hot air balloon material...

[laughter]

...and, uh, that puts me in real tight spot, you know.

It just happens to be a subgenre category of comedy

-that I'm very passionate about. -[laughter]

One time someone complained...

to a comedy club manager.

He came to me and said, "Will you go talk to these people?"

Then he said, "I can't wait to watch."

And he was laughing maniacally.

I go out and there's this couple.

Everything about them was stand-offish, very cold.

They don't care for me. It's apparent right away, which is fine.

You don't have to love me, right? But this is what they said,

"We are hot air balloonists."

[audience gasps]

Yeah. They were for real.

They were personally, deeply offended

by the stance I had taken on hot air balloons.

[laughter]

This is the state of things. This is the sensitivity level?

Look, If I can't talk about hot air ballooning, I'm quitting comedy.

I can't think of a more benign topic, you know.

And I didn't wanna laugh at them but they did call themselves balloonists.

I feel that gives me a little leverage.

And they looked at me and said, "You don't understand our hobby.

It's recreational. And it's fun. And it's safe.

And you don't get it."

I don't remember what I said to them. I do remember the first thought I had.

"I have finally become the edgy,

boundary-pushing comedian..."

[laughter]

[applause]

[chuckles]

...that I have always wanted to be."

I'm out here talking about the topics that no one else will talk about.

Sure, I'm pushing some buttons.

You know what I mean? I'm walking a line.

But I'm not gonna stand up here and apologize for it.

If there are hot air balloonists here tonight,

you can leave. I don't care.

[laughter]

I don't care about money. Do you believe me?

I'd like to not care about money but I'm sick of thinking about money.

Do you get to that point in your life? I don't wanna look at my bank account.

You ever not looked at your bank account for six months? You ever do that?

You go, "I know what's going in there. I have seen this cycle before."

I'm gonna let that simmer for a while. See what happens on the other end.

Around month seven, you start giving out your card,

"You can try and swipe that. Sure."

I was thinking about getting Lasik surgery for my eyes.

I wear contacts and I was watching some ads.

I saw an ad, a $150 per eye.

That seems low.

[laughter]

I'm not into bargain surgery, you know?

I don't need to coupon clip for a laser in my eye.

Here's the other thing, a $150 per eye? Who's not getting the whole package?

Are you telling me a lot of people are walking into the Lasik place,

walking out like Popeye until the paycheck comes in.

"I could only afford to fix one.

Could you move over to my right a little bit, please?

I'm just waiting on a check to clear."

[laughter]

It would be tough having vision in only one eye.

Someone told me, they got one eye surgically corrected

for long distance vision and kept the other eye for near-sighted vision.

What kind of personal torture did you create for yourself?

"I'm reading, I'm reading-- I'm driving.

I'm driving. I'm driving-- I'm reading again.

I'm reading. I'm driving. I'm cooking, flight simulator.

Crossword puzzle, Frisbee."

[laughter]

I will do this as long as you will.

I recently went skydiving.

Yeah. The first time you go, there are two methods.

You can go tandem or static line,

which means you have a line attached to your chest

and they just kinda kick you out of the plane.

Then the line pulls the chute for you,

you just float down alone, and hope you don't land on a freeway.

-Or, uh... -[laughter]

You know, behind enemy lines, something like that.

That sounded scary so I went with another person on my back,

which is also a unique situation in life.

I wasn't sure if he was on my back, I was on his front,

like some sort of adult baby carrier.

Sitting there, like...

"Where we goin'? I need a nap.

Support my neck. My neck!

I'm a baby. It's different if I'm yours."

[laughter]

-[applause] -This...

This guy, he gave himself a title. He called himself "tandem master."

I already know who the boss is.

Your title's unnecessary.

I'm gonna call you Roy like your name tag says.

[laughter]

And we're gonna jump out of an airplane.

As we were flying up, he'd try and keep me calm. He had this method.

He'd reach his arm around and show me his altimeter.

Then he would lean up and would whisper in my ear,

and he would go "8,000 feet.

Look how beautiful it is."

And I said,

"The only thing making me nervous is all this whispering."

[laughter]

There were other people on the plane, these solo jumpers.

I'm just talking to them. I'm relatively calm.

Everything's fine. One of these guys gets up,

he just lifts open a door on the side of the plane.

In my head I think, "I know there's a door on the side of the plane,

but I didn't know it was a scenario where a guy goes,

"All right, there's the outside of the airplane. It's totally available.'"

Then he goes, "See ya," and then he left.

He left an airplane like he was going to get milk or something, you know.

It really messes with your head when someone just kind of casually

saunters out of an airplane, right? Like, your brain starts going,

"That man's gonna die," and then it goes, "So are you, stupid."

[laughter]

Five seconds later, I have my feet out the door.

Tandem master says... [whispers] "You remember everything I told you?"

I said, "I don't know who you are anymore.

I don't wanna be here."

All you have to do is keep your body in this arch shape, right?

I know this because I went through 20 minutes of training

watching a VHS tape alone in a shed.

That's how I learned how to skydive.

Just sitting alone in a shed thinking,

"I'm really glad I signed that waiver. That was a good idea."

And they know you'll panic, right?

So they give you these simplified words

to help you to remember how to keep your body in this arch shape.

These are the words that they gave me,

"Belly button. Banana."

Now it means,

lead with your belly button,

go in a banana.

But it's just...

Can you just treat me like a peer, you know,

for one day?

So I'm in banana formation

and I'm falling to the earth with another person on my back.

Two seconds in, my contacts are ripped out of my face.

-Now... -[laughter]

[chuckles] I have never had a thought in my life, like,

"Maybe one day there's going to be a force of wind on my face

that's gonna tear things out of my eyes. So, you know, just be ready."

And when it happens, it happens very quickly.

It's like, "There they go. Okay, they're gone, so..."

Let's reevaluate because I can't see.

Now I'm wearing goggles but the goggles are too big

and stuff's coming through the goggles.

But since I'm wearing goggles, I can see my contacts.

They are just sitting inside.

They are kind of staring back at me.

Here's what going through my head as I'm falling to the earth,

"Those are going to be dry.

Those are never going back in my face."

I felt like they were accusing me, like, "What did you get us into?"

"I'm so sorry, I don't wanna be here either."

"Who's that guy peering over your shoulder?"

"He's all we've got."

"Belly button. Banana."

[laughter]

-And then... -[applause]

-[cheers] -[whooping]

He pulls our chute, we are floating down. He leans up and whispers,

"Look how beautiful it is."

And I said, "I can't see anything.

And I might have wet our pants."

Then we landed and I just ran away. I didn't know what to do.

[laughter]

I was scared, I wanted to be alone.

I didn't have pants and I couldn't see very well but I ran.

And I ran a long time and I ran hard.

And then I realized he was right there with me. I mean...

you can't really outrun a guy strapped to your back like that.

It's very difficult but he was great. He was shouting out directions and...

We've stayed in touch all these years. He's become a dear, dear friend.

Every once in a while, he sends me a postcard,

and I staple one to the back and return it.

It's just a fun tradition.

-[man whoops] -[chuckles]

This girl came up to me after a show the other day about, uh...

eight years ago.

[laughter]

She said we went to third grade together. I didn't even recognize her.

And then she said "I think we should pick up where we left off."

And I pulled her hair and ran away.

[laughter]

-[applause] -She...

Childhood is very funny. We boil our lives down to our childhood

and often we have a lot of shared experiences.

Every time I see a little kid on a bike now, it takes me right back.

That was a big part of my childhood, riding around my bike in my little town.

Every time I see a kid now, he's always got a helmet and pads on,

which is strange to me because when I was a kid,

the only bike safety I worried about is if the kid riding on the handle bars

had a good grip. That's all I cared about. Do you remember riding with it?

The driver can't see a thing, right?

"That's a curve, you idiot! Turn! We're gonna die."

Next thing you know, you are laid out on the street,

take a handle bar right in the gut. Do you remember that pain?

[holding back tears] "Someone help me get my mom.

I can't breathe. I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die."

Your brother's laid out on the street next to you.

"This is our Vietnam, brother."

[laughter]

Don't you think it's weird, as adults, we never get the wind knocked out of us,

but as kids, I don't know, four times a week, maybe, I mean...

If I got the wind knocked out of me today,

I'm 99% sure I'm calling 911.

"911."

[ragged breathing] "I can't breathe, I don't know, I...

[babbles] ...and now I'm gonna die, I'm gonna--"

[low groan]

[wheezing]

[gulps, clears throat]

[high-pitched moan]

[normal voice] No, I'm still here.

[laughter]

Listen, you're not gonna believe this but it just went away.

No, I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna go do some laundry.

Thanks a lot. You can go ahead and cancel that.

Kids don't care, you know. A kid could be laying on the ground turning colors,

"He's purple. What should we do?" "Give him a minute, he'll be fine."

He just fell off the fence post the wrong way.

He's, like... [ragged breathing] "I'm OK. This happens all the time.

This happened to me on Tuesday.

You go ahead. Go on.

Mississippi one."

[laughter]

Mississippi two.

Mississippi-- Get my mom. Get my mom."

[laughter]

Do you remember the handle bars after the accident? Do you remember--

They would never work right after--

Every time you try and take a corner, you'd be like, "Nothing happened, right?"

Just riding around with your alignment out or something.

"Check it out, I'm a Picasso and I'm going to die."

Then you have to fix it.

Remember the technique? Only one way.

You gotta get off the bike, come around,

and you just clamp down on the front tire. Just a...

[makes squealing sounds]

Kids are so tough.

I was way up on the top of this pine tree with my kid brother once and he fell out.

He must have hit every branch on the way down.

It looked like that great big Plinko game on The Price is Right.

You know, just bam, bam, bam, boom.

Smacks the dirt, gets up and yells, "Not it," and runs away.

-[laughter] -You guys have been so great.

I really appreciate you comin' out. Thank you very much.

-Good night, everybody. -[cheers]

[whistling]

[applause, cheers continue]