Original subtitles

New York City is a great place to be engaged...

Miss?

Oh, I'm sorry, did you want this cab?

-Why, thank you. -Sure.

and it's an even better place to be enraged.

Oh, you're so busy!

You're so busy!

Ah.

-Boy, do I have news. -So do I.

I didn't want to say anything until we were all together, but...

Harry and I made up, and he asked me to marry him.

- Oh, wow! -Oh, my God, congratulations!

Sweetie, that's great.

Look at that ring!

I know, he had it made based on the one

that Richard Burton gave Elizabeth Taylor.

Well, it is fabulous.

Even more fabulous than your first one.

So, Carrie, what was your news?

Oh, Berger broke up with me on a Post-it.

-On a Post-it? -Uh-huh, uh-huh! Yep.

Read it and weep, my friends.

"I'm sorry, I can't, don't hate me."

The motherfucker's concise.

First of all, I thought you were gonna break up with him.

Yeah, I was.

And I should have, but he said that he wanted

to try to "work things out,"

AKA, leave in the middle of the night.

A Post-it, that's infuriating.

I remember when breaking up over the phone was considered bad form.

I once was broken up with by a guy's doorman.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Hobbes, Jonathan won't be coming down...

ever."

I miss having a doorman.

So, are you gonna call him?

No. I'm not going to dignify his behavior with a response.

I am not even going to leave him one of those

angry answering machine messages,

"Hi, it's me, you're a dick!"

Hmm.

But it sure felt good saying it right now, even to you.

Well, that's what we're here for.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm sorry, too.

That relationship was a complete waste of time.

Oh, it's never a complete waste of time.

I mean, even in the worst relationship, you always learn something.

You might not want to say that to a woman

carrying a loaded Post-it.

But, Carrie, everything happens for a reason.

Even if you don't know what it is yet.

That's such bullshit.

It's not! Look at me.

If I had never married Trey, then I never would have gotten divorced,

and I never would have met my divorce lawyer, Harry,

and I wouldn't be engaged now.

Uh-huh.

Paper covers rock.

Maybe everything does happen for a reason.

If Berger hadn't left me in the most horrible way

anyone could ever imagine,

I wouldn't have the afternoon free to walk you to your hair appointment.

Mm-hmm. We're all being protected by the universe.

When it comes to men,

I think you may have had it right all along.

Keep it light, don't get too involved.

Don't get too hurt.

Exactly. If you're never someone's girlfriend,

you could never be someone's ex-girlfriend.

You know what?

I'm gonna spend as much time mourning this relationship

as he spent ending it.

Okay, I'm over it.

Hey. Let's go somewhere fantastic tonight and have a fantastic time.

What could we do that would be fantastic?

I know. I'm taking you to Bed.

I'm not that off men.

No, Bed, it's a new club opening tonight.

We'll all go.

I think I have the invitation.

Listen to me being all hurt.

Look how many men have broken up with you, and you're fine.

Ooh!

Come to Be... Come to Bed. Wow.

People say everything happens for a reason.

These people are usually women.

And these women are usually sorting through a break-up.

It seems that men can get out of a relationship

without even a goodbye,

but apparently women have to either get married

or learn something.

Why are we in such a rush to move from confused to Confucius?

Do we search for "lessons" to lessen the pain?

Meanwhile, Samantha was at home dressing a man for a change.

I called some designers and I told them that the Absolut Hunk

was going to do TRL on MTV and they jumped ASAP.

Gucci, YSL, D&G. Take your pick.

You know, I'm not really comfortable wearing labels.

If it's okay with you,

I thought I'd just wear some jeans and this.

Mm. That'll work too.

You are going to be the fantasy of every adolescent girl

and sexually confused boy in America.

-Mmm...

How'd I get hooked up with such an amazing girlfriend?

And that was a label Samantha wasn't comfortable wearing.

Okay, you should get ready. The car will be here any minute.

You sure you can't come?

Oh, I can't, I promised Carrie and the girls.

But I will catch the replay tonight.

Should I hook up with you later?

No, go out with the MTV crowd and have fun.

You're the Absolut Hunk, work it!

And as your publicist, let me just say,

calling someone your girlfriend isn't a good idea right now.

-Someone or you? - Either way.

So when anyone asks if you have a girlfriend,

you should say you're still looking and haven't found anyone special yet.

That's what you want?

That's what I want.

Samantha.

But I do insist you top off that tank with some Dior sunglasses.

It's MTV,

if you're not wearing something the kids can't afford,

how will they know to look up to you?

There. Much better.

That night, as Charlotte was deciding what to wear,

she noticed that everything went with her new engagement ring,

except her old wedding dress.

Meanwhile, in another closet...

I don't think I can go. I'm not feeling so hot.

-Are you sick? - No, I mean literally.

Openings of hot new clubs are for hot childless people.

I'm not even one of the hot mommies at mommy and me.

Miranda, I don't want to have to resort to this,

but if I have to, I will play the Post-it card.

Just explain to me why I have to leave my house to go to Bed.

Because this can't be "the day that I was broken up with by a Post-it."

This has to be the day that something else happened.

How about "the day your friend discovered

all her clothes are covered in spit-up?"

You are going, no excuses.

Okay, okay.

And speaking of no excuses, there they were, her skinny jeans.

The jeans every woman keeps in the vain hope

that someday she'll fit into them again.

Oh, my God, Tony! What are you doing here?

No, you did not come to this club.

Ladies, this is a miracle.

I am in my skinny jeans.

I haven't fit into these since 1985, and that is only because I had mono.

Miranda, I've never noticed before, but you've got one hot ass.

-Really? - Yeah, and you look good.

How did you do it?

Well, I got pregnant, became a single mother,

and stopped having any time to eat.

Oh, that's a diet I won't be trying.

I can't believe I am in my skinny jeans! I am never taking them off.

Charlotte, can I wear these to your wedding?

-I'm kidding. -Oh, no, it's just...

I just feel kind of silly that I made such a big fuss

about my ring earlier.

Oh, honey, a diamond that big deserves a parade.

But this is the second time around.

I already did the showing of the ring,

I already did the big wedding, you were there.

-It was lovely. -Lovely.

So this time I've decided that it should just be

really small and tasteful.

-So, no denim? -Right.

And I don't want to disappoint you,

I've decided not to have bridesmaids.

-Whoo-hoo!

Hallelujah!

Okay, let's go to Bed.

Since people often go to bars to try to get someone into bed,

it was only a matter of time 'til someone

cut out the middle man and put the beds in bars.

Now this is my kind of place.

And I thought they were being ironic.

If I had know it was gonna be like this, I would have brought my bite guard.

Um, bed for four please.

All the beds are booked right now.

Oh, damn, that always happens to me.

We're on the VIP list, Samantha Jones.

Perfect. I'll be right back.

I have to find a bathroom.

-I need to pee. -Oh, really?

Or do you just want to stare at your ass in the mirror?

Well, that too.

Shake it, sister!

-Whoo!

We're ready. Follow me.

Oh, that was fast.

What could I say, I know how to work it in Bed.

Oh...

And I didn't even have to buy you dinner.

I'm sorry, someone pushed me.

You want me to have them killed?

-Would you? -Just say when.

-When. -Okay, I'm bluffing.

Yeah, I knew you were all talk.

Yeah. I'm Peter.

Oh... Miranda.

Well, thank you for letting me crash.

Why don't you hang out?

It's not that often I have such a beautiful woman in bed with me.

Oh, okay.

But move over, that's my side.

All the men in here seem kind of old.

That's because you're dating Smith.

Who's basically a zygote.

I am not dating him. I'm fucking him.

And now, I'm looking for someone else to fuck.

Well, I think you may have come to the right place.

This place is awesome!

Oh, no. That's Berger's friend.

-Oh! -Where?

In the next bed.

Oh, God, I hate New York.

Is there no other club opening tonight?

What should I do?

Ignore them.

No, I can't.

It'll get back to Berger that I acted childish.

Just go over there and say hi.

Act like Berger's the last thing on your mind.

Right. I'll take the high road.

I'll be calm and classy and just say hello.

Billy, hi!

Hey, Carrie.

-Hi, how are you? -Fuckin' great.

Chris, Andrew, this is Berger's girlfriend, Carrie.

Is Berger with you?

Um...

This is kind of uncomfortable

but, uh, we broke up this morning.

Oh. Man, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I knew you guys had all kinds of problems.

Yeah...

and he was bad in bed.

Well, you look great, Billy.

You know that angry message I didn't want to leave on Berger's machine?

I just left it on his friend.

What happened?

I took the lowest possible road.

I told him Berger was bad in bed, which isn't even true.

Two times! Don't you forget anything?

Why did you say that?

I don't... It just came out.

Well, it's understandable.

You're suffering from Post-it traumatic stress syndrome.

I need to find a way to erase that message.

Go back over there and explain.

Just tell them you're hurt and that you didn't mean it.

Oh, great, now I have to admit that I'm hurt?

First, a little nerve Clicquot.

Hey.

Uh, that thing I said before?

Terrible and not true.

He was fine in bed.

Great, in fact.

Fireworks. Rockets.

I don't even know why I said that.

I'm...

hurt, okay?

Sure.

Break-ups are tough.

Yes. Under normal circumstances they are tough.

And in this case... tougher.

Look, I don't want to drag you into this, but, uh...

Berger broke up with me on a Post-it.

Yeah, I know as Berger's friend, you can't have a normal reaction.

But just so you know, the normal reaction has been...

Not that I'm going around telling everyone.

Just some girlfriends.

I'm trying to understand why someone would do that.

Well, maybe he was afraid.

Interesting, how so?

Women can get really angry.

Well, I assure you, I would have been very understanding.

Right.

Excuse me?

You all say that, but then you just freak and get all psycho-bitch.

Really?

So now it's our fault?

All we're saying is there really is no good way

to break up with someone, is there?

Well, it's funny you should mention that, Billy,

because actually there is.

You can have the guts and the courtesy to tell a woman to her face

that you no longer want to see her.

Call me crazy, but I think that you can make a point

of ending your relationship in a manner that does not include

an e-mail, a doorman or a missing person's report.

I think you could all get over your fear of looking like the bad guy

and actually have the uncomfortable "break-up" conversation,

because here's what,

avoiding that is what makes you the bad guy.

-And just so you know, Allan... -Andrew.

Uh-huh. Most women aren't angry, irrational psychos.

We just want an ending to a relationship that...

that is thoughtful and decent

and honors what we had together.

So my point, Billy, is this,

there is a good way to break up with someone.

And it doesn't include a Post-it!

Um, okay.

Much better.

You think? We have to get out of here immediately.

So, what...

You have a boyfriend?

Me? No.

Right.

I don't.

Come on. How is that possible?

I have no idea.

Well, neither do I.

You're hot.

Hi. Sorry, we're leaving.

I just learned you should never go to bed angry.

Oh! Well...

Oh.

Well, it was really great meeting you.

It was good to meet you.

I'll see ya.

And thanks.

For what?

Okay, so I'm angry.

So those guys will tell Berger that I'm angry.

I can live with that.

Come on, bro, give me a hit.

- Pass that back. -Ooh...

- You think that'll last? - You got it, man...

Do you smell that?

-Pot. -Oh.

Let's get high!

I'd get high.

Wait, are you serious?

Yes! That's exactly what my mind needs, cloudiness.

I'm still too lucid on the facts of the day and night.

Hey, when was the last time you smoked pot?

I think I was wearing these jeans.

-I'm not smoking pot. -Post-it.

How would we even get any?

I'd call my dealer, but he's at the Cape.

Oh, damn those dealers and their summer houses.

I'll ask those guys.

Excuse me, fellas?

- I got it... -Excuse me?

Hey...

Um...

My friends and I were wondering if you knew...

I like her in those jeans.

Is it safe to buy pot from strangers?

They're not strangers, they're our new friends with pot.

-Okay, thank you.

Okay.

They're going around the corner to Drown the Hound,

there's a guy there who deals.

And I get the one with the glasses.

My, when she scores, she scores.

-All right.

- There you go. - Thanks a lot, Tommy.

Mmm. Drown the Hound.

And I thought they were being ironic.

- I see our guys. -Yeah, go get our...

If that last place was called Bed,

then this should be called "Smell."

Well, hold your nose.

I promised Smith I'd watch him on TRL

and this dump has a TV.

What's this all over the floor?

Peanut shells.

-Why? -I don't know.

Do peanut shells have to happen for a reason?

What can I get ya?

Here's a 20.

I assume in a place like this

that covers three drinks and a channel change.

Does the bride need another Jell-O shot?

No, I can't...

- Yes!

-Drinks! -One more.

Look at them.

-So happy.

Here comes the bride

Hey, sweetie, what's wrong?

I just... I wish I'd never been married before.

But, if you hadn't married Trey, you wouldn't have met Harry--

I know, it's just, I hate that this is my second ring

and that this is my second marriage.

And I hate that I finally found the love of my life

and I can't celebrate it in a big, big way.

You can do whatever you want.

No, I can't. It's...

It's inappropriate.

Excuse me?

Hi, would you take a picture of me and my girlfriends?

She's getting married.

-Sure. -Thank you.

You know, she got engaged last night.

Oh! That's great!

Congratulations!

No, no, it's my second--

She's getting married to a wonderful man.

And look at this rock.

- Oh, wow! - It's gorgeous!

-It's beautiful! -Thank you.

You have to be in the picture!

No, that's okay.

Come on.

Give me the camera.

All right. Everyone say, "bride!"

Bride!

So when are you getting married?

-What's the dress like? -Where's the reception?

And finally, Charlotte's inner judge

was silenced by some very loud bachelorettes.

Sorry, I guess he's not here tonight.

Oh, well, you can't cry over spilt pot.

I could buy you a drink.

I said I was buying her a drink, dude.

You have a girlfriend.

Gentlemen, please!

That's the secret of the skinny jeans.

It's not so much a state of behind as a state of mind.

Hey, what's up? I'm La La.

Now, you've seen him naked on a billboard right here in Times Square,

and now he's on TRL, wearing clothes,

damn, but it's still all good.

He is the absolute hottest, the absolute awesome,

the Absolut Hunk.

Give it up for Smith Jerrod.

Hey!

Man, we have a lot of fans in the house.

Let's get right to some questions.

Hi, I'm Amber.

Hey, what's up, Amber?

Nice, relaxed, sexy, yet modest.

One, what is it like to be the Absolut Hunk?

I have to say it's been a real trip, but I've met some really awesome people.

You're hot enough to be on TV.

-Take that to the dart board. - And two,

do you have a girlfriend?

-No, I'm still looking.

Really, you're not dating anyone?

I am dating, but I'm not seeing anyone special.

And even though Samantha had designed it herself,

she realized "no one special" was another label she didn't care for.

I changed my mind.

Kiss me.

And to prove that Smith was no one special to her,

she kissed someone even less special.

Unfortunately, he was someone special to a somewhat drunk person.

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

What happened?

She kissed Frankie!

Oh! Who the fuck do you think you are, huh?

Fucking city girls,

you think you're such hot shit that you can go around

kissing other girls' boyfriends?

I'm gonna kick your ass.

I'm gonna slap the shit outta you.

-Ah! -Oh, my God!

-Relax! -Oh, yeah? You fuckin' relax!

If I ever fucking see you again,

I'm gonna put my shoe so far up your ass you're gonna taste leather!

Okay, I get it.

Angry women can be scary.

Very few women can pull off anger in a tube top.

Ugh...

This night is turning into a total bust.

Not total.

Oh, my God, I love you!

Where did you get that?

Well, apparently, $20 will buy you three drinks...

Uh-huh.

A channel change, and a joint.

All right.

Fucking men.

Yeah.

-Men are bullshit. -Mmm...

That's what I'm talking about.

Being someone's girlfriend...

Mm-mmm.

No good can come of it.

That's what I'm saying.

Wow.

-This is strong weed. Mmm... -Mmm.

Oh.

It's Smith.

-Hello? -[Smith] Hi, did you see me?

Yes, we saw it.

- How did I do? -Perfect, just like we planned.

-Can you hear me?

I'm not getting any reception here. Let me--

- Hel-- -Are you there?

As I contemplated the fact that my relationship had gone to pot,

literally,

I realized no high or low,

would make this day any day other

than "the day I got broken up with by a Post-it."

- Police.

Stay right where you are.

That's the way it goes.

-We have to take her downtown. - Officer, please.

I'm a lawyer and a mother.

This woman is my friend, and she's an extremely law-abiding citizen.

Who just broke the law.

Yes, but in her defense, she has had a very, very bad day.

-Her boyfriend just broke up with her. -On a Post-it.

Come on. That didn't happen.

"I'm sorry, I can't, don't hate me."

Wow. Brutal.

Tell you what, I'll write you up for smoking in a bar.

Oh, come on. Can't you just let her off?

I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me.

Oh, hear that?

It's midnight.

The official end to what will now be known as

"the day I got arrested for smoking a doobie."

I said doobie. This is gr...

You didn't get arrested.

See? Your Post-it was your get-out-of-jail-free card,

so if you never met Berger, then you--

Stop, you're killing my buzz.

I have to say, I'm starting to agree with Charlotte's way of thinking.

If I hadn't accidentally gotten pregnant by Steve,

I never would have had Brady...

-Aw! -I'm not finished.

And had no time to eat,

so I never would have fit into my skinny jeans

and realized this city is full of cute men!

Now that's my kind of thinking.

Carrie, don't bogart the split.

Okay, I know what I learned from my Berger relationship.

Wait a minute, I just had it.

What?

You know what?

I changed my mind.

You don't think everything happens for a reason?

No, no, not about that, about the wedding.

I really want you guys to be my bridesmaids.

You don't have to wear the matching dresses, I promise.

-All right. - I'll eat to that!

-Can I get that in writing?

Oh. I think I've had enough. My jeans just popped.

I might never find the lesson in why Berger and I split,

but at least, for the moment, there was a banana split.