All language subtitles for sex and the city s06e04

In New York City,

it is a statistical fact
that once every seven minutes,

-an unsuspecting woman...

-Shut the fuck up!

...dates an actor.

Let me go.
My husband will be home any minute.

For Samantha, one of the perks
of dating Jerry the actor,

was getting to stage full scale
fantasy productions.

Please. Please don't hurt me.
I'll do anything, anything.

Just shut the fuck up!

Shut the fuck up!

Oh. You are really good.

I said, shut the fuck up!

No, you shut the fuck up
and fuck me before my husband gets home.

Now! Whoo!

And then he pretended to tie my hands
behind my back

and the whole time he kept screaming,

"Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up."

I tell you,

it is so refreshing to be with someone
who likes to fuck outside the box.

And this is my friend Samantha.

The wallflower. Right.

That is incredibly offensive.

Violence against women
is very serious issue.

Oh, please. It was a fantasy.
Fantasies can't be censored.

Actually, I think the Supreme Court
is working on that right now.

All fantasies are healthy and harmless.
Don't you agree?

You know as a guy,
I've always been under the impression

that "rape" or anything in the "rape"
family is just not a good idea.

-Can I go home now?

There is no greater sound
than your friends

laughing at your new boyfriend's jokes.

Well, that's not
the only scenario we play.

Sometimes he's Senator Smith
or Principal Smith. Cellmate Smith.

Okay. Moving on. Uh, Miranda.

How was your date
with the real estate guy?

-Actually it wasn't horrible.

He was kind of cute and funny and...

Hello? Oh. Doctor Smith.

Thank you for returning my call.

Excuse me.
He thinks I may have the mumps.

Yes, I am swollen.

Now, that's hot.

So, how did the date end?

Um, he walked me home-- I'm sorry.
Are you maxed out on girl talk?

No, no, no. I'm good.

-I'll let you know.
-Okay.

So, he kissed me good night at the door.

I invited him up, he couldn't because
he had an early meeting.

We kissed again. Then he said he'd call.

Two kisses. Very promising.

You think?
Even though he didn't come up?

Definitely. It means he likes you
but he wants to take it slow.

-That's nice.
-Berger, what do you think?

You really wanna know?

Please. I would love to have
a man's opinion for a change.

All right.
I'm not gonna sugarcoat it for you.

-He's just not that into you.

-That's not true.
-Don't listen to him.

No. No. I'm intrigued. Elaborate.

Look, I'm sorry but
when a guy's really into you,

he's coming upstairs,
meeting or no meeting.

Oh, that's is ludicrous.
What about extenuating circumstances?

What about you're stressed out,
you're on deadline, you have a migraine?

Or a lot of guys are afraid
of getting their feelings hurt

and they don't wanna ruin a friendship.

Or they're freaked out
by their own feelings?

There's a lot of push-pull out there.
A lot of mixed messages.

Yeah. I have to say that's all code
for he's just not that into you.

I'm sorry, but with guys,
it's very simple.

If we're into you,
we're coming upstairs.

We're booking the next date.
There are no mixed messages.

No mixed messages? But...

I've spent my whole life
deciphering mixed messages.

I've made a whole career of it.

Wow. He's just not that into me.

-He's just not that into me.
-Oh, honey. Ignore this person.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

You are fired.

Look. If he's not into you,
the guy's obviously a weenie so...

No. No. I love it.

It is the most liberating thing
I have ever heard.

Think how much time in therapy
I could have saved

over the last 20 years
if I had known this.

I still think the real estate guy
is gonna call.

Yeah, I think you got an uncomfortable
e-mail coming your way, you know?

Something like,
"Sorry, I haven't called.

I'm in a place in the world
where they don't have phones."

I love him.

The best part of a night out
with your friends

is talking about them all the way home.

Charlotte is a trip.
Samantha's hilarious.

-They all are.
-They thought you were hilarious.

-Miranda-- How do you not love Miranda?
-I know. I love her.

And I love that you loved her.

Oh, God, she loved you. They all did.

And they are a tough crowd.

-I'm a tough crowd.
-Okay. Your choice.

Fudgesicle or Nutty-Buddy.

Oh, my God. I wanted this one!

-We're perfect!

Oh, and when you went to the men's room,
they were all--

Stop.

-What? Am I talking too much?
-No. I wanna say something

and I don't want you to say
anything back, okay? You promise?

I love you.

I love you, too.

And I am not saying it
because you said it to me, I promise.

I was gonna say it before.
I've been thinking it the whole night.

I love you.
I just wanted to say it again on my own.

Hm.

In my euphoric state,

I knew there was only one kind of person
who could tolerate me.

I'm in love too. I'm so happy for you.

It's the fastest I've ever said,
"I love you"

but I literally could not
hold it in my mouth.

And why should you?
There's no reason. You're in love.

-I'm in love.
-I love Harry so much, it hurts.

Sometimes I look at Berger
and he's so cute,

I just wanna squeeze his face off.

This Friday night is
my first official Shabbos.

So, I am cooking a big
traditional dinner for Harry.

I'm so excited to finally be a real Jew!

- Here's your brisket, lady.
-Listen. Listen. I said lean!

Just when I thought my week
couldn't get any better,

I came home to find
a little surprise from Berger.

From Berger's book to Samantha's books.

I'm sorry, Ms. Jones,

but you owe the US government
$300,000 in back taxes.

But, auditor Smith,
I don't have that kind of money.

What are you gonna do?
Take the shirt off my back?

Take the shirt off my back.

-Oh!

Ah.

This is what I call internal revenue!

In my fantasy,
Hurricane Pandora would be brilliant.

In reality...

it was.

All right, if you're still not finished,
it's all over between us.

I just finished it just this minute,
I swear.

Did you stop for meals?

Hey. It's been two days. It's 400 pages.

Yeah, well, I can't date a slow reader.

Are you done?

-Question is, are you done?
-Yes, I'm done.

And if you would shut your trap,

I could tell you...

-that I love, love, loved it!

I loved it.

Except for one huge problem.

You have your leading lady running
all over town wearing a scrunchie!

A scrunchie.

Uh, the hair thing?
What's wrong with that?

Well, nothing. Unless you're writing
about women on the island of Manhattan,

in which case uh, where do I begin?

What are you talking about?
A lot of New York women wear scrunchies.

Uh, in the bathroom maybe,
when they're washing their faces.

You're full of shit.

I see women every single day, all over
New York City wearing scrunchies.

Okay, but here's the thing.
Here's my crucial point.

No woman who works at W magazine
and lives on Perry Street

would be caught dead
at a hip downtown restaurant

wearing a scrunchie!

Man, it's a good thing I came along

because you may know the fellas
but I know the ladies.

-Great.
-Okay.

-Can I read you my favorite part?
-No. I'm done talking about the book.

We ordering in?

He completely shut down. Why?

Why did I have to get up
on my sassy horse and ruin everything?

Yeah. Sass will bite you on the ass.

And the thing that kills me
is I loved the book.

I could have gushed about it all night.

Why did I have to go straight
to the negative and just pick at it?

Because you're in a relationship.

I used to pick at Steve
about everything.

The way he held his fork,
his grammar, his dirty fingernails.

Used to?

He has a new girlfriend for that now.

Debbie!

-Do you think Debbie picks at Steve?
-Of course.

All women pick. It's in our DNA.

It's our little way of showing
that we care.

Well, I think I've made it abundantly
clear just how much I care.

Well, you have to work it out with him.

Berger has single-handedly
changed my life.

I still haven't heard
from the real estate guy.

But it's fine.

He's just not that into me.

I think right now,
Berger's just not that into me.

So, talk to him about it.

You two seem like you could laugh
your way through anything.

Yeah, it's that kind of thinking that
got me into this in the first place.

One of the signs that
a female gorilla is in love

is that she can be seen picking
nits off her male companion.

And yet in humans,

nit picking can ruin
a perfectly good evening.

Not to mention, a relationship.

Women are known to be
more verbal than men,

but, when does criticism
that's constructive become destructive?

Are there times when the ladies
should just shut the fuck up?

The next morning,
another woman was making too much noise.

What an earth is all that banging?

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Collier!

I'm a Jew now. How are you?

-I know he'll call eventually.
-Yeah.

He's just going through
a really hard time right now.

-Mm-hm.
-His boss got laid off.

Later on her lunch hour,
Miranda checked her BlackBerry.

There it was,

the uncomfortable e-mail
Berger had predicted.

- Yeah.
- Then we may get busy,

it's like, "Ah, I can't call. My God,
I'm so stressed. I can't call you."

- But he's gonna call.
-And his kitchen's being rewired.

-That's all so complicated. At least.
-Yeah that's like a two-day process.

Excuse me. I couldn't help
but overhear your conversation,

and I hope what I'm gonna say
will save you a lot of time and energy.

He's just not that into you.

So, move on. Have a great day.

Having passed on the gospel
to these New York women,

Miranda could only hope
they would spread the word,

far and wide.

-Bitch.
-Who the hell asked her?

Not me.

-I know you didn't.
-Crazy people in New York.

-He is so gonna call you.
-I know.

And as two women's fantasies
were being shattered,

another's were being brought to life.

Samantha Jones?

Detective Smith. Department of Homicide.

Afraid I'm gonna have to
ask you some questions, ma'am.

Why certainly, detective.

Am I in some kind of trouble?

-Two martinis please. Straight up.
- Yes, ma'am.

Actually, make mine a seltzer.

Oh, of course. You're working.

But you know, detective,

one little drink won't kill you.

-He'll have a martini.
-No, it's a seltzer.

Seriously, Samantha, I'm in AA.

That sobered Samantha right up.

I was totally like fucked up
for eight years in Seattle.

You know, I just realized,

I have a presentation first thing
in the morning, so...

sorry.

[Carrie] Jerry had taken the fantasy
into dangerous territory...

reality.

Two martinis.

No, dude, I said a seltzer.

Meanwhile, Charlotte was hard
at work on her fantasy role,

Martha Jewart.

Okay, the kugel's in the over.
The matzo balls are boiling.

There's three hours till Shabbos.

I think we should start
braiding the challah.

Doesn't Shabbos mean the day of rest,
i.e., ordering in?

We're wearing aprons.

Do you own aprons?

-The challah!
-Okay, okay. You don't have to "holla"!

Oh, Miranda, like this.

Oh. I don't know what I'm doing.

Why did you call me over here?

Because I didn't want to spend
the rest of the week saying,

"Guess you had to be there."

Hey. Did Harry's friend ever call you?

Yes. As a matter of fact,
I'm seeing him tonight.

You think I could get away
with this outfit?

-Definitely. The apron softens you.

Can you read me
what's next after it's braided?

Hm. Uh...

Oh.

With her high school boyfriend,
Charlotte doodled.

With Harry, she Jew-dled.

Um... I think it calls for two cups
of Mrs. Harry York Goldenblatt.

Did I miss something,
did you get married while I was at work?

No. But that's where we're headed.

You forget Charlotte Yorkenblatt.

Actually, I've been making some calls
and I was wondering

how you both felt about November.

-November for what?
-For our wedding.

Most of the synagogues
are booked through the fall.

-November works for me.
-Has Harry even proposed yet?

Miranda.

No. But he will.

Aren't you counting your
matzo balls before they rise?

Miranda, zip the lip.

Harry and I have an understanding
about our future.

We don't have to
talk about it all the time.

-It's "bereishit."
-I don't know what that means.

It's meant to be.

I would never have gone
through all this trouble

if I didn't know for sure
that we were getting married.

I'm sorry, I just don't want
to see you get hurt again.

And ever since her
reality check with Jerry,

Samantha had no interest
in seeing him again.

However, when a certain
government official called,

she was more than happy
to take a meeting.

Secret Service agent Smith.

If you're here...

who's protecting the president?

You know, I changed my mind.

I thought of something
even hotter for us to play.

Hotter than
Secret Service sluts?

-Yeah.
-Oh.

I'm me, you're you. Go.

Oh...

You know, when I told you the other
night I was in AA, you bolted.

What's up with that?

Jerry. It is Jerry, isn't it?

I'm afraid we want different things.

You want to tell me all about you

and I don't want you
to tell me all about you.

It spoils the fantasy.

-That's harsh.
-Yeah. I am harsh.

I'm also demanding, stubborn,
self-sufficient and always right.

In bed, at the office,
and everywhere else.

I already knew that.

And that's just a little bit about me.

All right. Cool.

Let me tell you
one little thing about me.

-See, this is exactly what--
-At least let me tell you my last name.

It's Jerrod.

Your parents named you Jerry Jerrod?

-No wonder you drank.
-Right?

There would still be
accountants and undercover agents

in their future, but that night,

Samantha and Jerry got off
on playing themselves.

Meanwhile, I was looking forward to
putting the scrunchie moment behind us.

Unfortunately,
it was staring us in the face.

Okay. I'm sorry to have to do this

but I do believe we are
in the presence of a scrunchie.

I also do believe,
and correct me if I'm wrong,

-that we are in New York City proper.
-Mm.

This woman does not appear to be
washing her face.

She appears to be standing on line
at a hip downtown restaurant.

So, kinda kills your
New York woman theory.

Ah. Tough break, Bradshaw.

-She's not from New York.
-What?

It doesn't matter. Did they say
how long the wait was gonna be?

Excuse me. Hi. I'm sorry to bother you.

We're just wondering
what part of New York you live in?

Who? Me?

Oh, gosh!

I am from Macon, Georgia.

But thanks, you made my whole day.

Honey, did you hear that?
These people think I live in New York.

I'm so hungry.
When they gonna let us sit down?

Downtown,
over curried lamb and chutney,

Miranda found herself
presently surprised

by Charlotte's matchmaking skills.

-Oh! That was one spicy biryani.
-I know.

I've lost all feeling in my tongue.

Listen, I know a great place
around the corner

if you wanna get coffee.

Oh, you know, I wish I could,
but I really should call it a night.

Hey. It's fine. I understand.

You're just not that into me.
And it's okay. I get it.

No No. I like you. I just...

really have to go.

Paul. Come on, you can stop lying.

-I am not lying.

Come on, be a man. Tell the truth.

I have diarrhea.

Apparently, there is
one rare exception to Berger's rule.

And it often involves curry.

After dinner, Berger ate
banana cream pie and I ate my words.

Another thing I loved was the way
you used the sister's phone calls

as little lamp posts.

I mean... land marks or, uh, miles...
mile posts. I don't know. Anyway.

I just loved how those sort of
punctuated the story.

It's just a really nice touch.

Oh, my God. The introduction, brilliant!

You're instantly on this guy's sight
even though he's a complete mess.

You know, you really just nailed him.

While I was working overtime,

Charlotte's work was
finally coming to an end.

Harry, you can come on in now.
Sorry it's so late.

What's all this?

Well, since it's our
first Shabbos together,

I wanted to make it a little special.

A little? This is phenomenal.

I just need to get the candles
and then we can say the Bracha.

Oh, come on.

Honey, please turn that off.
We're about to eat.

Mm. Smells incredible.

And you made brisket.
I cannot believe you made brisket.

-Good Shabbos.
-Good Shabbos, sweetie.

Mm. I cannot believe you made all this.

-What did I do to deserve you?
-I feel the same way.

I've been thinking about blessings
and you're such a blessing to me.

What are you--

Why is the TV on?

-It's on mute.
-Mute? Mute?

-We're having Shabbos dinner.
-It's a big game, honey.

Turn it off. I want you to turn it off
right this minute.

-But it's--
-Off, now.

Let me just watch this one pitch.

I gave up Christ for you
and you can't give up the Mets?

This is gonna be a long life
if you keep that up.

"I gave up Christ for you,
take out the trash."

"I gave up Christ for you,
pick up your socks."

Do you have any idea how hard
I worked to prepare this meal for you?

I went to Zabar's everyday this week.

I had to make 30 matzo balls just to get
four that were the right size and shape.

Not to mention the months of studying

and cramming like a maniac
to convert to Judaism.

And what have you done for me?

Set the date!

-Set the date.
-What are you talking about?

You said you couldn't marry me
unless I was Jewish and now I'm Jewish.

Set the date!

You're acting crazy.
Do you hear yourself?

Do you know how lucky
you are to have me?

Do you know how we look?

Do you know what people out there think
when they see us together, do you?

Yeah, I know what people are thinking.

I just didn't think you were
one of them.

Finally, it was Charlotte
who was on mute.

I don't need this.

I'm leaving.

To think I bought a ring.

The Mets won that night 5-4.

But Charlotte lost everything
that mattered to her.

Oh. I just remembered
another hilarious part.

And later, on the corner
of 73rd and mea culpa...

Um, you know the scene
where the dishwasher guy

is spooning up the Rice Chex
and he's putting them back in the box?

It's perfection.

-How'd you come up with that?
-That's so lame.

No, it was not. It was hysterical.

No, I'm not talking about the book.

I'm talking about
what you're doing right now.

I just wanted you to know
how much I loved your book.

Because I did.

And I'm sorry I muddied it up
with the whole scrunchie thing.

It's not that big a deal.

Okay.

I think I'm gonna call it a night.

Uh, I gotta get an early start tomorrow.

-Are you kidding?
-No. Thanks for dinner.

Call you tomorrow.

And then there are times
when a New York woman

should not shut the fuck up.

Hey.

Berger.

Berger!

You can't just pull that line on me
and walk away.

Well, this time it's true.

You're obviously still pissed
and I'm sorry

but you can't just shut down like this.

We have to be able to say
what's on our minds.

If you thought that I had made
some kind of mistake,

I would want you to tell me.

Oh? Nice hat.

Carrie.

It's fabulous and you just said
that to hurt my feelings.

Well, that's how you made me
feel the other night--

Fabulous.

-So, you can just walk away now.
-Uh, yes I can.

Well, look. I'm sorry. All right?

But what was I supposed to do
with that scrunchie comment?

Was I supposed to hop in my time machine
and go back, fix my entire book?

I don't know what your problem is,

but it doesn't have anything
to do with a scrunchie.

Yeah. It's about the fact that my book
is a big fat fucking failure.

-Wait, what?
-It's just, you know,

I already feel like shit.

You trying to pump me up all night,
not helping.

I'm sure this is all very sexy,
you probably never--

Stop.

I wanna say something
and I want you to listen.

You're a beautiful writer.

And I loved your book.

And I love you.

And I still think... you're very sexy.

And I'm not gonna let you
make a joke right now.

Then I got nothing.

Come on.

Saying I love you is easy.

What comes next, is a little scrunchier.

Harry hadn't called in two days

except to say he was sending
someone over to pick up his TV.

Just what New York needs.
Another single Jewish girl.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

Mind if I get in there and wash my face?

Not at all.

Oh, my gosh.

-Hm?
-Where'd you get that?

Well, Macon, Georgia.
Why, you wanna try it on?

-No.
-Oh, but you're gonna look

-so pretty with this scrunchie on.
-No!

You're gonna look really pretty.

No, I hate you!

How do you not love scrunchie?