Original subtitles

Hello, darlings. It's me, the number one candidate for special elections,

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. And you know how I've been looking for ways to

pocket a few extra bucks lately?

Well, it finally dawned on me, mainly because I usually go to sleep at dawn,

that the wealthiest people in America are the politicians.

I mean, all you've got to do is tickle a lobbyist every now and then, and

kablam, you get a big old endorsement.

Endorsement, that's politician for money.

So here's me throwing my ring into the hat.

See? Ring. Ha.

I'm publicly announcing my candidacy. Now I'm officially in the running.

I wish I knew what I was running for.

Lord knows I know what I'm running from.

But I figured they usually have two boobs in office anyway, so why not mine?

At this point in my career, it's time that I stand on a platform, since I'm

usually lying down on one. But that's a whole other story, one that I'm sure my

opponent will drag out and use against me.

Well, if he thinks I'm going to be intimidated by a little mudslinger, he

know who he dealing with, do he? Why, I have made my career rolling around in

the mud. And a little red meat never hurt anyone.

Well, except vegans.

So, if you couldn't tell, tonight's movie also has a bit of a political bent

it. Kind of like what we've heard about that former president.

It's The Werewolf of Washington. As in D .C., you see.

It stars the legendary Dean Stockwell as the Speaker of the House.

And let me tell you, when this guy gets into a debate, the fur really flies.

Really, there's fur.

Boy, this movie is almost as fun to watch as C -SPAN, except with a lot less

and violence.

So, sit back, you little constituent, and prepare to pull your lever as we

for the werewolf of Washington on Movie Macaw.

happen in America.

That it could happen now.

That it could ever happen to me.

Jack Whittier is my name.

Maybe you remember my byline.

I was the youngest member of the Washington Press Corps.

Its fastest rising star.

One of the best and brightest, as we used to say.

Before so much blood passed under those pretty Potomac bridges.

I was... having an affair with the president's daughter, and I wanted out.

Without hurting her feelings or, frankly, my career.

So I had my paper reassigned me to our bureau in Budapest.

Somehow, the president heard...

i was banished for being too pro -administration and he offered me a job

i couldn't refuse

which is where the

terrible events that were to destroy my career and my life begin

it's silver i found it in a

little shop

I didn't think there were such things left.

What's it for?

You mean you don't know?

Honest to God, Giselle, I'll have you in Washington within six weeks. I'll get

you a visa.

I'll get you a job.

I don't want a job.

A job with who?

The FBI?

Stop it, Giselle. Now, will you come on?

Hey, fella.

What do you think you're doing? You trying to get somebody killed? You ran

right into the tree.

What are you doing? I'm just standing here right in the middle of the road.

Will you say something? What's the matter? Can't you speak English?

Giselle, will you get back in the car? I've got to make it to the airport.

I'm sorry, sir.

I just, I lost my temper.

But my car won't start and I have to catch a plane. It's very important.

Do you know, is there a gas station around or someone that could help me?

It won't stop.

Hey, mister!

I really need help!

How do you say help?

Shaggy!

Shaggy? Scooby?

Why, if it weren't for you meddling kids.

Now, please, the only reason I'm asking you is because my car crashed because of

him. Now, could you just give me a little help, please?

I'm dying to hear this one.

We can't leave, got that?

I told you my car is stuck.

Listen. It's because of him. It's all his fault.

What are you afraid of? You don't have to go anywhere.

Just wait for when he hears it, Al. Leave the headlights on, okay?

There,

there. Over there? Yes, over there. All right, fine. Is it far?

Yes, it is far. How far?

Not too much. Oh, good. I can walk. No, not tonight.

Come in. Do you know what time the departure schedule of the train is?

Moon.

Moon. Come in.

Not tonight.

Come in.

I'm in a hurry. Come in.

What are you afraid of?

She's out.

And so it must have been a wolf.

He could find no corpse.

Oh, come on.

I killed a man and I killed him with this thing.

You said it was an accident, my boy. It was an accident.

But are you going to just take my word for it? Aren't you going to detain me?

The inspector has offered us his car and the driver.

What's going on here? This country is crawling with... Bureaucrats? Where are

they? Why aren't they here questioning us?

Jack, they are willing to let go of us. Let's go.

What are you trying to cover up?

Is the White House behind this? What house?

The White House.

It's easy.

You don't even know what are you saying.

What did she say?

She says you are feverish because of the bomb.

I'm afraid I must ask you to leave the area at once.

I tell you again, no one has been reported missing. No corpse has been

If you continue to make a nuisance of yourself, I shall have you lock it up.

How come you speak English?

Huh?

That was your son that I killed, wasn't it?

Yes,

that was her son.

And you don't even care that I killed him?

She says you didn't kill him. You released

him.

He needed to die.

Long to rest.

Because of the communists? Secret police?

The dark.

The pentagram.

Because of the sign of the pentagram.

Ah, the pentagon is behind all of this.

The pentagram.

The mark of the beast.

Beast. Oh, that's just a bunch of insanity.

Whoever is bitten by a werewolf and leaves becomes a

werewolf himself.

Ah, bull.

Find out who she's working for.

The wolf bit you, didn't he?

Yes, dammit.

Jeez,

if we couldn't give him a necklace, at least make sure it fits.

And remember, a werewolf can only be killed with a silver bullet or a stick

with a silver handle.

I'll see you guys next time.

Jack? The president wants to see you.

He's in my bedroom. Senator Bond does not represent the people of Maryland.

Hello there, Mr.

President. You know, I was just telling the Attorney General here, that Senator

Bond, oh, he makes me so sick.

I just can't stand it. This is country.

I'm sure your husband doesn't even feel that strongly about it. Thank you, Mr.

President. Jack, you see the kind of problems we have here?

Judge, I want you to meet Jack Whittier, the new assistant press secretary. How

do you do?

Mrs. Captree.

Oh, is he the Jewish young man that you hired to muggle me?

I'm afraid they couldn't find him.

Well, you look smart.

I'm going to excuse myself now. You sleep tight now, Mr. President.

Oh, Marian.

Hello, Jack.

My, that Marian's such a lovely girl.

Did the Washington Times really send you to Siberia? And the truth to them, Mr.

Whittier? It was hungry.

What?

I'm good. Come on, Margie. I think it's time we left for home. Oh, no, Elliot,

honey. Well, why don't you run along like you always do?

I'm sure this nice young man will see me home, won't you, honey?

Ah, Washington.

A sex scandal just waiting to happen.

Sounds like I'll fit right in.

My God.

This country coming to.

Ah, you've seen one stimulus package, you've seen them all.

Careful, Jack. That old broad with the yellow choppers is setting you up to be

stain on our little black dress.

We'll be right back with more Werewolf of Washington on Movie Macabre right

after this.

Hello, darling. It's me, that favorite femme fatale of the Founding Fathers,

Elvira, Patriot of the Dart.

And as we're watching this American masterpiece of democratic filmmaking, I

decided I needed a campaign promise or two to help me win my district.

And if I would have known they wouldn't district, I wouldn't have tried to get

away with it.

I am determined to promise a thing or two in turn to all you faithful voters

helped me get to the Capitol.

And speaking of interns, I'm now accepting applications for bright, eager

men who are looking to rally behind me.

Behind the cause, I mean.

I think your father's a cross between you. Abraham Lincoln and Jesus Christ.

I'm engaged to be married, Jack.

To the psychiatrist guy?

Mrs. Captry, any time you're ready. Oh, I'm starting to look more for the road.

You know, any time you have people marching in the streets, you're just

to a revolution.

You know what my husband says?

Well, my husband says many times that he actually prefers some of the Russian

communists to get the liberal columnists in this country.

The matter was my hand.

Oh, yes.

Oh, my goodness, my land, Jack.

You're just some terrible fool, aren't you?

Marilyn and I are leaving. I thought I'd come over and say good evening to you.

Come on.

Why don't you come in and talk to me sometime, Jack?

We'll have a talk.

All right, sure.

Now, where were we?

Where were we?

We were saying something about the...

I watched the damn thing myself. They didn't even have a station break.

And this prejudiced...

critic as the commentator they put on right after the president's address

capturing.

Well, I have the network's word. They're going to bury this guy someplace.

What do you mean?

Give him an axe. Drop it.

You're kidding.

No. The president is fed up with this guy's facial expressions and gestures.

We've got some friends there.

It's the other networks I'm worried about.

Not this fine station, right? They're going to read tomorrow night.

We are going to war against the networks,

Jack.

We're going to win back the minds and hearts of the American people.

And we have got to have Captree on that court to win the fight or we're in

trouble.

Hell, you understand.

Hey, look, Jack, there's a line in there of trouble with something about the

views of a small group. How does small strike you? That's a little soft.

What would you call your compatriots of the press if you wanted to be a little

more flashy?

Let's see.

Well, at their worst, a coterie of impudent snobs.

No, I mean really, I just... That's good.

Oh, that's great.

We'll use it.

You're kidding.

No, it's just what we want.

Look, the man told me to give you a draft of the speech and listen to your

suggestions on it.

Now I know why.

I want you to spice it up a bit, huh?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, I wouldn't use that line that I just suggested.

Why not?

That is exactly what we want.

And not now.

Yeah.

My God.

This country coming to.

Mrs. Captree was just found dead.

Guts ripped open.

I've had a Grammy and Kirstie stuff working out for you.

You see, there's only one way I know of to get rid of a werewolf, and that's to

shoot it.

From a helicopter.

Now, I know what you're all thinking.

What's the difference between me and a pit bull?

Well, I'm here to tell you not much.

We both need to be kept on a short leash, we both enjoy a big bowl of

and we both squat when we pee, but I wear lipstick.

Now, don't you go nowhere, because we're coming back, and so to the movie

macabre thingamajiggy and such.

Here too, for, and you know, also.

Hey, look, I can see Transylvania from here.

Okay, let's see.

Yeah, all I need is a catchphrase to get my base all riled up.

Oh, let's see, something like, you know, like a chant at rallies.

Like, chill, baby, chill.

Yeah, it's not like I live in Alaska anymore, that's for sure.

Thrill, baby, thrill.

Oh, no, the kids might be watching.

Shrill, baby, shrill.

Oh, no, that gets too close to home.

Oh, no, okay. Kill, baby, kill. That's a good one. That's a good one. Oh, hi.

You know, as I put together all these talking points, and I'm sure to get

about, I need to prepare for that crazy gotcha journalism that the media elite

is so keen on doing to a smoking hot candidate with little or no actual

experience. Yeah, you know, I have read most of the magazines. I mean, I've read

all of the magazines, and they all say the same thing.

But I don't care, because I am a maverick. It's all here in my new book,

Morgue. Now available wherever fine books are being burned.

Have you been?

I guess I asked that last night.

Yeah, I guess you did.

Gee, I haven't been in the White House in a long time.

Well, not everyone gets to see all of the White House, Jack.

It's really awful about Mr. Castery, isn't it?

And those shoes they've found, it's weird.

Shoes?

Uh, Chisinau? Uh, Marion?

The President's waiting for me, I...

Hasn't Judge Captree asked that his nomination be withdrawn because of this

horrible tragedy?

Well, I've asked him not to make that request.

Frankly, I don't want his name withdrawn.

The current permissive trends continue in this country.

I'm worried about national anarchy.

Andrea, you and I, we don't see eye to eye about those things.

Never asked for your support, and I...

I've never received it.

But if your paper could change its position, it would swing

the nomination for him.

I'll think about it, Mr. President.

Good.

I'm sorry to have kept you here so late.

Oh, by the way, I've asked the FCC to... act as quickly as possible upon that

application, no matter what position you take.

After all, I do owe you a favor.

If you hadn't banished Jack here to Budapest, I wouldn't have a new system

secretary.

Good evening, darling.

Mr. President, we didn't banish Jack.

I begged him to stay here, didn't I, Jack?

He requested the transfer for personal reasons.

And he's welcome to come back anytime.

Thank you.

Jack?

I'm sorry.

I have to go, Mr. President.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I'll leave with Jack. No, Jack. I mean, I'll stay here with you, Mr. President.

Well, I'll think it over, Mr. President.

I may surprise you.

Thank you, Andrea. Good night. Good night.

Good night, Jack.

Good night.

Jack!

Jack!

Jack, I think I could be your friend, Jack.

If you could just accept that.

I'd like to be.

You don't look well, Jack.

Jag. Don't wait for me there, Marion.

Wait for me in your room.

Go away now!

Says it's a werewolf. A weird wolf.

A werewolf.

Werewolf.

Can you imagine what happened if the press gets a hold of that? I think the

did themself.

He looks like he could sever a jugular. Well, I don't think the kid did it.

No, maybe he did do it.

His obvious hatred of female authority figures, the expression he keeps using,

mother. It fits the pattern of the climes.

Prominent middle -aged women found near national monuments.

I don't think the kid did it. You're the whiz kid. You keep it from the press.

Hi, how are you?

Good.

Could you just tell me exactly what you saw?

Look, we just saw this figure running away.

Figure running away. Was it a man or a woman? Was it light or dark?

Was it light or dark? It was too dark to tell.

I think it was dark, wasn't it?

This figure was dark. Oh, right, it was dark. It was very dark. Debbie, Debbie,

just be cool.

A black man.

No, it was a werewolf, you racist pig.

Just one minute, boy. Don't point your finger at me. Who are you talking to?

talking to you. Take it easy.

Look, we didn't do anything.

Take it easy. Now, could you kids tell me something more detail about this

running figure?

It was hairy.

It walked funny.

Uh -huh.

The Panthers.

How do you know it's the Panthers?

I know it.

Book them. Book them? Wait a minute. What for?

Narcotics. Oh, no.

Wait a minute. Listen.

Where are you kids staying?

The Chevrolet Hilton.

The what?

Big bus on the mall.

I'm just trying to help you.

We're going to assign an FBI agent to keep you under surveillance or else

going to have to lock you up.

Oh. Wow, man.

Thank you.

Well, sir, do you have any leads? I mean, this is the second murder of a

national figure in two days.

Are you sure you have enough manpower to trap the killer? I mean, your boys seem

to be busy with the networks.

Let me tell you something.

None of this would have happened if you people didn't support the very elements

in our society that did this. Easy, man, easy. Don't let them get to you.

How do you know that we support the elements when you don't have one single

lead? We do have a suspect, and an indictment is imminent.

Sir, I must insist that you stop talking to these people.

Does imminent mean today, tomorrow, or indefinitely, sir?

Imminent means tomorrow morning, 9 o 'clock. I'm sorry, sir. And won't you

bleeding hearts be surprised?

He doesn't have one indictment. He's too busy investigating us.

You see?

See?

Jack!

Don't you think you astronauts have anything this convenient on the land?

No, sir.

I guess not.

I understand that the three of you are cooped up on one of these for... How

is that?

It's about two weeks altogether.

Two weeks, oh.

Would you mind if I... No, no, no, you go right ahead.

Oh, this one doesn't seem to work.

Oh, let me give you a hand.

That's all right, sir. I'll use this one. No, no, no.

That's not the point.

So I'll just... Okay.

The president's on his knees in the men's room.

He's going to be out in 60 minutes.

I'll just reach down under and get the latch for you.

Sir, I'll do it. Just a second.

No, no, no.

Just go about your business.

I'll get the...

Janet had a look into that.

You know, it's odd.

We kept one of you fellas up on the moon, but when it comes to fixing a

latch like that, we're just all thumbs.

Okay, there's a Remington I want to show you out here that Blackwoods gave to me

with a mink and sheep.

I don't want to forget this.

Jack, I can only give you a minute, but I'd like you to stay and see the

senator.

Mr.

President, I'm not feeling very well.

Do you think you might want to find someone to replace me?

Me right now?

Sure, go ahead.

Take a nap, Jack.

No, I mean generally.

Come on, Jack, you're doing a fine job.

You're indispensable to me. I need you now more than ever.

It's about those shoes, sir.

Shoes?

What shoes?

Jack, would you please stop scratching the palms of your hands? It's just not

manly.

It's about the murders, sir.

I don't believe that the Panthers did them.

Well, there hasn't been a murder since we put a guard on that black boy.

But the moon hasn't risen yet. Put a guard on me.

Damn that mob out there.

Now look, Jack.

What is the meaning of this?

That speech you wrote last night was just great.

The networks, they don't know what it is.

And it's all because of you. I want to assign you full time to writing speeches

for the vice president.

Mr. President, I think...

Oh Jack We all get Disturbed at some time or another over some damn little

thing, but I won't hear of you leaving the team And you've had a chat with

commander Sam

It's just not manly, Jack.

Joan, good to see you.

Come in, come in.

I'm a murderer.

I killed someone last night.

Dr. Salmon, do you believe that a man can change into an animal?

An animal?

Have you ever heard of the mark of the beast?

What? There's a curse on me.

I was bitten by a wolf.

And it wasn't a wolf.

Only it wasn't a wolf.

It was a werewolf.

And now when the full moon rises, I change into an animal with only one

the desire to kill. Oh, Jack, you're really a werewolf.

Well, what about my blackout?

And my scar?

And my finger?

And what about those shoes?

I think you're in trouble, Jack, but not the kind of trouble you think you are.

What about my seeing the sign of a pentagram?

Well, sometimes we see our conflicts in terms of political symbols.

What's politics got to do with this? Well, what does the Pentagon have to do

with it? The Pentagon?

The five -pointed star.

Would you come to the bathroom with me?

Later, sir.

Please.

Come with me to the bathroom.

Later. Later, please.

I'm going to show you something.

but they're not very hard to explain.

Now, you feel guilty because you were with both of these women when they were

killed. And you don't think that in itself is strange?

And you have the feeling that you could have done something to stop it, coupled

with guilt feelings for having murderous... Oh, boy, Larry Craig's got

on this men's room. ...having murderous wishes towards these women for evil

reasons, for both of which you want to be punished. Will you look at this?

I saw this in the palm of each of my victims.

Jack, I want to help you.

Well, then lock me up. Come over to the hospital tomorrow and we'll talk about

it. But someone's going to die tonight!

You two faggots, shut up! Jack, I cannot help you unless you really want me to

help you.

Now remember what I told you.

Oh, bathroom humor.

Cheap bathroom humor.

And for once, it ain't my doing.

First, they took us into the executive john to catch the president taking

matters into his own hands. And by that, I mean fixing the stall door.

Then we had to watch the awkward moment of Jack trying to lure the slightly deaf

naval scientist into the men's room where he could show him his new tattoo.

What does the Pentagon have to do with it? The Pentagon.

Gentlemen. The five -pointed star.

It's not manly, Jack. It's just not manly.

Well, darling, don't flush yet. There's more toity humor to come right here on

Movie Macaw.

Welcome back, darling. I've been working on my campaign promises, you know, and

I was told I should try to keep all of my initiatives bipartisan.

I was like, really?

I haven't even been bipartisan since college.

I mean, they asked me about Roe versus Wade, and I'm thinking, gee, I guess it

all really depends on how deep the river is.

but I decided to speak about something close to my heart, or at least my chest.

Global warming.

I herefore promise to personally volunteer to keep everyone abreast of my

on warming the globes. Why, it's not just people like me that benefit when

reach out and touch someone, but everyone, from boys to men to even you

get involved.

It's time to lend a hand or two and embrace the huge challenge on both the

and the left side of the issue.

So I believe everyone in America should make warming the globes their number one

priority.

Thank you very much.

Jack Whittier on the line for Cliff Mapes.

Cliff?

Jack, fine.

Little favor.

Look, who would I talk to over there to find out if someone from Budapest is a

red dart?

Maybe Chinese.

G -I -S -E -L -L -E?

Frenick, F -R -E -N -N -I -K.

French -Romanian, about 30.

Correspondent for the Budapest House Organ.

Jack Whittier.

Dr. Salmon? Yes, I did.

Now he has me thinking that whatever was bothering me was all in my mind.

No.

That's just between me and my analyst.

together, beginning to think that while I was in Budapest, I was

brainwashed.

Yeah,

to cover up some political activities here.

Assassinations.

I just hope your Secret Service man never publishes it.

No, maybe you better not.

Please.

Let me go.

Ah, man, that was a nice lamp.

Dog's eye view.

Hey, we're going for a walk.

Good idea. Let's go.

Oh, no, ma 'am. Without you. We want to make it. You know what I mean, don't

you? Make it. Do it.

Capital steps.

No, man, we really want to take a walk.

Could you, uh, stay behind, you know, like, uh, under the paper?

No, seriously, I want to make a phone call to Mr. Ross.

Murphy. Randy Murphy.

I'm gonna go call Sally, okay?

Yeah, man.

Information? Yeah.

Randy Murphy.

He's somewhere in Georgetown, I think.

Yeah.

Right. Thank you.

Hello, Mrs. Murphy.

This is the werewolf of wine.

Know just what you want.

I'll be in, Debbie.

No, no, I left a message. I'll be back later.

Yeah,

well, you ready to go?

Well, come on, let's go.

Ladies and gentlemen, before I answer your questions, I would like to make a

brief announcement.

I have called this conference because of the mass hysteria and our tragedy

surrounding a case that we're all very much aware of.

Aware of. Aware of.

Today, I'm pleased to announce the indictment of... Secondly...

the anarchist must be punished.

And thirdly, we must have Captree on the Supreme Court.

If he so threatens the people, they will stop at nothing.

Questions?

Mr. President.

Sir,

is it true that the same black man you're holding for murder was himself

brutally attacked last night?

I didn't point at you. I was pointing at her.

Here.

Oh, he's silly. Mr. President, the Vice President made a speech last night. I

was wondering if you would comment on it.

I'm glad you asked that question.

I would like to make one thing perfectly clear.

The Vice President does

not clear his speeches with me.

Is the conference over?

No.

I just had to leave.

You know, I tried calling you last night after you hung up.

Where were you?

Did you?

Oh,

for Pete's sake, it's got to be another one of them robocalls. I swear, if I get

one more of these calls... Hello?

Hello,

Elvirus.

Oh, my God, that doesn't sound like a robocall. Breather, is that you?

Yes! Hey, I've got a really, really good joke for you.

Oh, no, not again. In the midst of my plan of my political career?

It's okay. It's a political joke.

Oh, topical humor.

Uh, I probably shouldn't, but hey, I mean, he is a voter.

Okay, what is it?

What did the Republican say to the gas station attendant?

I don't know, breather. What did the Republican say to the gas station

attendant? Siller, buster!

Breather, that was terrible.

The bomb dropped out of that joke so bad you're sending me into a depression.

Hey, Elvira, if you get elected, can I be in your cabinet?

In my cabinet?

Yeah, you know, on the top shelf, behind your cup, watching you through the

crack.

Ew, okay, that is it. Consider yourself vetoed.

More movie macabre coming up right after this.

A good idea can come from anywhere. So when Breather called me, I thought to

myself, Elvira, you should reach out and personally call potential swing voters.

Lord knows I love those swingers.

So, here goes.

Let's see if I've got what it takes to convince someone under I yell for the

job.

Jack Whittier.

Oh, hello, Jack.

I'm Elvira, the candidate for the Black and Blue Party.

Hi, Angel.

I'm running on...

Oh, hi yourself there, mister.

I'm the candidate that you want to date.

Why, I've triggered more hanging chads than Al Gore.

And let me tell you, them chads were hung.

So have you heard from my opponent, Dr. Salmon?

Dr. Salmon? Yes, I did.

Really?

Does he have you thinking I'm some kind of cheap bluesy with no ideas who does

her best campaigning on her back?

Now he has me thinking that whatever was bothering me was...

All in my mind.

Oh, changing his tactics, eh?

Well, it's not in your mind. Your problems are real, and I am the only one

can fix them.

Now, tell me about your issues, and I'll make them my issues.

Oh, that's just between me and my analyst.

Look, bub, I didn't say I want you to tell me about your rotten childhood and

your horrible mother.

You want to smoke here?

Whoa, you move fast.

Uh, no, I'm sorry. You must be confusing me with Dr. Salmon. I don't make house

calls.

Well, wait a minute.

It's not like there's a whole lot of work to do tonight. I just finished up

movie and painted a few signs.

Guess I can spare a few hours to talk to a loyal voter one -on -one.

I just hope your Secret Service man ever publishes a book.

Yeah, tell me about it.

None of my Secret Service was very secret anyway.

So look, Jack, here's the thing.

I appreciate that you had a crappy childhood, joined a club, but I really

want to hear about all your problems, okay? So just tell me one big one so I

get to work on it, because, I mean, I'll come over if you think it'll help me

get elected.

Okay,

I'll be right there, right after the movie's over.

I mean, I know how it is when you men are home alone all night.

Oops.

Too late.

Where did you go to school?

University of Chicago, sir. Did you play any ball there?

Just four -wall handball, sir. They didn't have varsity sports. That's

There's nothing wrong with four -wall handball. Here, I want you to take a

I want you to bowl a few frames for me. Go on, take a ball and get over in the

alley over there.

Just pick it up and step over there. That's it.

All right, Jack. I want you to watch this.

Watch me, Jack.

Yes. Watch me.

There you go.

I tell you, you take a shot. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Your turn. Go ahead.

Take a shot.

This morning's vote for Senate. Let me have the man I want in the Supreme

Do you think I don't care about that?

Do you?

Take a position, person.

Go on. Get up the line. That's it.

Now, I can assure you that after the top amount of time for testing and soul

-searching, I'll strike out at my enemy.

Swiftly and boldly.

Maybe even tonight.

Hey, boy.

Jack. Pull the ball. Pull the ball.

No, no, not like that.

Look, get down.

Bend your knees.

Bend your knees. Bend your knees. Bend your knees. Yes. Sit down there. Sit

there.

Get the ball back there.

Get your knees down there. When you get the ball back there, just let it go.

You think I run from the battle.

Sure, commit.

Jack, will you throw the ball? Throw the ball down there.

Yes, sir.

Over to you.

Shoot now, I do.

Amy, out of sheer recklessness, I'd missed the target completely.

Oh, son, there's only a few of us left in the boat now.

We've got to stick together and strengthen one another.

I believe in you, Jack.

I want you to believe in me.

I promise to stand by you in this crisis, Jack, if you promise me that

stand by yourself.

Jack, you'll throw the ball for Christ's sake.

I can't, sir. Oh, sure you can. No, I can't. I've been trying to tell you.

what kind of a man are you anyway? I've been trying to tell you, sir.

The first thing happens, my fingers start to swell before the moon rises.

And now my finger is stuck in a ball. I can't get it off.

It's just not manly, Jack.

I can't go.

Nothing wrong with that ball Pilots load up their planes with bombs

fly them anywhere you want drop them anywhere they want

Without any authorization.

There's some damn incorrigible.

And then it drops in our lap.

And we don't even hear about it until we read it in the paper.

The entire country is talking about

sex murders and Walsh and Weird Wolf.

This is just what the paper's been waiting for.

Did you see this article in this morning's Times?

Articles like that are appearing in every newspaper in every city in the

country.

The networks, they can't even control their own people anymore.

That circus of hippies outside the White House is getting bigger and bigger and

bigger.

Congress is threatening you with impeachment proceedings.

I am afraid of complete civil disorder.

My recommendation is that we declare martial law, put a curfew on the whole

city, and bring the army in on this.

The army?

I think we should hold off on that.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

I'd like to come directly to the point.

I would like to be able to announce the withdrawal of... all troops, totally

and immediately in Southeast Asia.

Frankly, I'm afraid of the reaction from the lunatic right.

General DeRocha, or excuse me, Admiral DeRocha, you are a politically

astute tactician, well aware of the tensions on the home front.

What can I do to keep down casualties here and abroad while I speed up truth?

through withdrawals. Sir, if we can make just one last quick thrust into his

sanctuaries, covered by a reactive protracted reconnaissance, an active

radiative reconnaissance.

Radiative? What did I miss?

Try to stay awake over there, Harry.

Yes, sir. A protective reactive reconnaissance, an active... Okay, let's

Sir, don't you think we should notify Congress?

Notify Congress?

What do you think, Jack?

Jack?

Now, God damn it, let's... Well, let's just ignore them.

Gentlemen, our credibility is at stake throughout the world.

No, I will not be found wanting in this nuclear age.

About our plan to recognize red China

Jack, what the hell time is it?

I get one, Jack!

Jack!

Gentlemen, would you please excuse the boy? He hasn't been feeling too well

recently.

Thank you.

Wait! Wait!

What is your name?

What?

What is your name? You have a name!

What is your name?

Okay, this movie just got really weird.

What is your name?

Everyone saw that, right? Dean Stockwell just licked a...

Are

you real?

Are you really real?

Is this for real?

Yeah, that's what I want to know. Because right about now, this movie is

bad antacid trip. After all, I would never take any kind of illegal

That's why one of my campaign promises would be to legalize marijuana.

Whoa, just imagine how much cooler this movie would be.

Stick around. There's more of this nightmare when we return to The Werewolf

Washington here on Movie Macaw.

Welcome back, my fellow... Americans.

As we tally the results from my runoff, ooh, I thought I fixed that problem.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who rocked my vote.

You know what I always say, if this vote's a -rockin', don't come a

couldn't have done it without all of you little people.

I am gonna give each one of you a puppy.

Whoa. You know, I've kissed a lot of babies on this campaign trail, but I

licked it.

Gosh, I hope that doesn't cost me Ohio.

I called earlier about some silver bullets.

No, I want them. With powder. And tonight.

All right, $500.

I don't care.

No, they don't have to be ballistically perfect.

Well, can you make one by tonight?

All right, then send me one.

Bullets won't stop it. Maybe we can get it with a tank or a flamethrower. I

don't want him destroyed under any circumstances.

Don't you realize how important it is to our programs?

You must issue the order that he be taken alive.

It's damn interesting, Dr.

Kiss, about the programs.

Just what in the hell are our scientific programs?

I haven't any more time for this.

I have my own work to tend to.

Well, that is pretty much the law.

Word leaks out there's a werewolf running around and we can't kill it.

Well, just don't let it.

Only you and I have seen this.

Just keep all the people off the streets tonight and we'll handle it.

I don't know about that. I mean, I'm up to my neck in this Asian policy stuff

and then two students out in Ohio.

I respect this myth, sir.

that that is your problem.

Oh, uh... Dr.

Kiss?

Dr. Kiss?

Dr. Kiss, what do you think of my Southeast Asian housing?

Dr. Kiss?

the publisher, the black kid, the guard at Pentagon last night.

And this is the same shape as the scar on my shoulder with just one knife to

fill in the shape of the five -pointed star.

Another murder tonight at Watergate, my apartment.

And there's no doubt about it, the shoes we found at the Pentagon are his.

And the shirt.

And the shirt.

If I can just catch a plane tomorrow, I'll have a full month to find that old

gypsy woman before the full moon rises again.

And, Doctor, I know you can find a way to tell the President so that there

be a search for me tonight or an investigation.

But you have to lock me up tonight.

All right.

I'm convinced.

We'll lock you up.

We can't let the press know about this.

We can't let anybody know about it.

Yeah. There's no doubt the press would seize on your personal tragedy to

discredit the president.

Well, frankly, I don't even want him to know. He's got enough on his mind

already.

Jack.

I'm sorry about this.

Could you tell Marion?

All right, I'll tell her.

I didn't think I might be able to get some rest tonight knowing I'm chained

Let's go.

What's that?

It's a time -lapse camera, Jack.

Presumably it'll go on during the transformation.

If you are what you say you are, we owe it to science to make a record of it.

Oh, and the president wants a copy for his new library.

Oh, Captain Salmon, would you turn on the television for me? I'd like to watch

the president's address tonight.

I have to leave soon, Jack, but I'll be back after the address is over.

I can't believe I have to go through another night of this agony.

Captain Salmon, you see that cane?

The cane right by the television set?

Pick it up!

Pick it up!

Hit me with it!

Hit me with it! On the head!

Kill me!

I'm just a violent beast and I'm better off dead.

I'm better off dead. Jack, I'm better off dead. Jack, kill me, will you? Pull

yourself together, Jack.

There's nothing to whimper about.

I guess this station will do. He's going to be on all the stations.

All right, Jack.

I'll be back after the address.

God. Who did this to you, Jack?

No one did anything to me, Marion.

Will you get out of here?

Are you insane?

Who did this to you?

Marion, will you leave my chains alone?

Did you do this to yourself?

Just leave them alone, Marion. God damn it. Will you get out of here?

Out! Out!

Will you please stop barking at me?

Now, please, stop that nonsense.

It's not nonsense, Marion.

Please, will you leave before anything happens to you?

No, I'm not going to leave. Of course not.

In fact, I'm spending the night here. What?

So that you can see this is all in your mind.

Oh, Marion, get the hell out of here!

Don't worry. I'll leave your chains on.

What's that?

Marion, just next to the TV, there's a gun there. You see it?

All right, it's loaded.

Now, if anything happens to me, if I change, that's the only thing that can

keep me from killing someone else.

Oh, Jack, stop it.

Marion, if you insist on staying here, you can at least do that for me. Keep it

with you at all times.

Now, you can do that for me, can't you, Marion?

You can at least do that.

Don't answer it.

Daddy.

President.

Hi, Jack. I know I gave you a few days off, but it's just that the press

secretary is ill and I need you there.

I guess it's my most important address ever.

I'm announcing an arms limitation agreement with the Chinese foreign

and I just don't want the public to think that it's a cover for the curfew

imposing upon Washington tonight.

I don't want to sound like a little boy who cried wolf.

You know what I mean, Jack?

What?

Jack, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to insist.

I've already sent a chopper over there to pick you up.

Chopper.

I read a report of it in one of the Hanoi papers.

It sounded like a case of mass hysteria.

Well, it sounds like an amusing report.

Jack, would you look into that?

Jack?

Jack?

I haven't read any of those.

We will introduce you to the nation. And then I will come on next.

Mr.

Prime Minister, we are going to introduce you first to the nation.

I don't understand what you're saying.

How do you say that in Chinese?

You'll be the grabber. You'll get the people.

Then that'll raise a certain amount of speculation, Mr. Prime Minister. And

I'll come on, and that'll give the people what they've been waiting for. Do

understand? I come on. I come on. Mr. Prime Minister, you're not listening.

Mr. Prime Minister.

Do you understand, Mr. Prime Minister?

I don't understand at all. Then I come on, and then I'll... I'm not talking

about this. I'm talking about this. Hey, this is not the thing I want. I don't

want him here.

What?

Just leave Jack out of this. Will you just talk to me for a moment? What I'm

talking about, Mr. Prime Minister... Let's talk about this first. I don't

to see him here. Mr. Prime Minister, would you please pay attention here just

moment? Now, Jack.

Jack, will you pay attention, too?

God damn it!

Is this a joke?

Or is it war?

There's no joke, Mr. Prime Minister. There's no war, of course.

Jack, will you please just help me out here a little bit, will you?

I don't understand what you said, Jack.

But I don't know what you're talking about.

I'll get it then. Jack, Jack, would you just pay a little attention over here,

Jack? No, Jack!

This is hijack!

Hijack! No, no, no hijack, Mr. Prime Minister. No, no hijack.

You'll go before the nation.

We

have

to land, sir. Land, land.

Jack, how do you say land?

Jack, will you please try to pay some attention over here?

Mr. President, after we announce you...

Jack, you're right.

It is you.

Where are you?

Now,

boy.

Down, Jack.

Don't shoot. Don't shoot.

Don't shoot.

Don't harm the dog. Now, Jack.

Now, Jack, this is your present.

Now,

sit, boy.

Sit.

I just want to make one thing perfectly clear.

I said... she's... she's solely...

solely... I said...

she's solely...

It was Whittier.

Oh, Jack!

Al. Jack, I didn't know!

Get Marion out of here.

I don't want the past to know she's here.

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Now, if this gets out, what gets out, General?

He's changed back.

Who's to say any of us saw what we saw?

An autopsy. We'll have an autopsy? No, no, no, no. My mind is playing tricks on

me. Listen, we'll give him a hero's burial.

He came between a sniper's bullet

and the president's daughter.

Let's trace this gun, find out who the owner is. No, no, bury it, bury it, bury

it with last year's nerve gas.

The president's going to be all right. He just has a little bite on the neck.

Thank God.

Hal!

Tell Marion her father's going to be all never mind.

You guys won't have Jack Whittier to kick around anymore.

Yes, we can!

Yes, I can!

Yes, I did!

Yes, I will!

I scored seven years ago with four fathers, but one was incontinent and in

desperation. I could not conceive that my libido was dedicated to the pursuit

happiness. And I can tell you that all men are not created equal, especially

the plumber.

So in order to form a more perfect union, I have established just us and

the blessings of my posterior for myself and we, the people.

It is with a great and heavy heart that I would like to say, read my lips, I am

not a crook.

I said thanks, but no thanks to that bridge to nowhere.

I asked not what my country could do for me. I asked myself if I was better off

than I was four years ago.

The only thing we have to fear is four more years.

We smoked them out of their holes, but I did not inhale.

And despite that giant sucking sound, I took that initiative and created the

internet. But above all, I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Thank you, red state.

Thank you, blue state.

Thank you, I don't know what to do state.

Mission accomplished.

Today is the day that will live in infamy.

Tonight's vote was a vote for peace, a vote for freedom, and a vote for the two

great... Objects of the American dream. The unpleasant American dream.

That's right, darling.

Here comes the big kiss -off. Until next time.