Original subtitles

Take that!

And that!

And now a final steak driver to finish you off!

Joke on it, Charlie.

Oh, why, hello there, my corpse -like couch potato.

It's Elvira, the she -demon with glass ass and one hell of an ass assortment of

terrible horror flicks for your viewing displeasure.

right here on Movie Macabre. You know, I've just been killing some time with my

favorite video game, Elvira Vampire Hunter Hunter, while I wait for the

to deliver tonight's feature presentation.

I just love Death Flicks. So convenient.

Hmm, I guess it's true what they say.

He does ring twice.

Hmm, water bill, electric bill, formaldehyde bill.

Here it is.

A red envelope is one of my favorite things, even if it isn't soaked in

Oh, wow, what's this?

U .S. Citizenship and Immigration Services?

Oh, no!

The feds have finally got up with me!

Dear Mr. Stark, a review of your tax return has been flagged as suspicious

forwarded to our Bureau for further investigation.

Damn it!

I knew I shouldn't have written off that wood chipper as a work expense.

We found no valid work visa on file. Your case has been assigned to an agent

review.

Oh my God, you've got to be kidding me.

Why, I am as American as the Salem witch trials.

Outsourcing. Sushi.

Isn't there like a statutory of eliminations on this kind of thing? I

have been hosting crappy horror movies on TV since before movies and TV were

even invented.

Why, I remember when it was just me, a bullhorn, and a shadow puppet.

Well, I guess I better take care of this before I'm stuck on the next boat to

Trampsylvania. In the meantime, try to enjoy tonight's feature presentation,

Manster. When a reporter is injected with an experimental serum by a crazed

Japanese scientist, he sprouts a second head and begins terrorizing the streets

of Tokyo.

Hmm, I think I dated that guy once.

Thank you.

Did he come back?

He's down in the lab now.

I locked the door.

You'd better take this with you.

I thought he'd come back.

He's like an animal now.

He comes back to where he was fed the last time.

But he never should have gotten out in the first place.

He visited a house in a village last night.

It's not easy to keep a thing like that from attracting too much attention.

I'm afraid there's only one thing to do with Kenji now.

Kenji!

Kenji!

Be quiet, Emiko. Someone's mom smoked her in pregnancy.

I was careless with Kenji and look what happened.

You don't understand me anymore, do you?

I'm sorry, Emiko.

changed even more, haven't you?

Back, Kenji.

Back.

I don't suppose you understand me now any more than she does.

You were my brother.

You're an experiment that didn't work out.

Right, kind of like the Jay Leno show.

Sorry, Kenji.

Seems silly to ask if this is Dr. Robert Suzuki's place. It's the only place

around here.

I'm afraid you can't see the doctor now.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

I've come all the way from Tokyo and halfway up the mountainside in a taxi

say from the Ark and then by making like a mountain goat to the last few hundred

yards. Now, where's the good doctor?

Are you the man from World Press?

That's right.

Larry Stanford, the brilliant and highly underpaid foreign correspondent.

Tell you the truth from what my boss says, I don't think there's much of a

here, but if there is, I want to get it.

Perhaps the doctor can give you a few minutes.

I'll tell if you're here.

Please come in.

Mr. Stanford, I'm sorry I kept you waiting.

I'd have forgotten about your appointment.

As a matter of fact, your chief, Mr.

Matthews, more or less pushed me into it over the phone.

I'm not sure my work is ready for publicity yet.

Well, from what the boss said, I gather you're working on the secrets of

evolution or something like that.

Sounds great, but will it sell newspapers?

Well, I'm a theoretical scientist.

Most of my work is done on paper.

Have you got anything ready for publication yet, Doc?

Not yet.

I can only tell you this.

Look into the sky at night, and you will see a star maybe one billion light

years away.

The light that you see started from that star even before this world existed.

That's my work, the principles of existence.

But sometimes it frightens me.

Good. Then maybe we've got a story. One more good one before I leave Japan.

Oh? Are you leaving? Yeah, after this assignment.

This globetrotting is getting me down.

Besides, I have a wife in New York that I haven't seen for a long time. Far too

long. How old are you, Mr. Stanford?

35. Yeah, right.

And I'm 29.

Personal questions sometimes.

It's the scientist in me.

I'm interested in the way people develop.

The glandular type and so on. May I ask a few more questions?

Well, I'm supposed to be the interviewer, but if you want to, go

You look like a strong man.

Have you ever had any major illnesses?

Well, it sounds like the army all over again.

Nothing worse than chicken pox.

And this time you've been separated from your wife.

Have you been... That's to say... Have you had any other kind of

companionship? Well, I've been a good boy, if that's what you mean, Doc. But

maybe we are getting just a little personal.

I'm sorry.

You want to hear about my work, don't you?

All right.

Could you use a little refreshment while we're talking?

As long as it's daytime size.

Cut. I'll look a version of it.

I thought it tasted different.

Well, Doc, what's the story?

Well, Mr. Stanford, are you familiar with the lady thinking about cosmic rays

and evolution?

Vaguely. The rays come out of space, and every thousand years or so, they cause

a mutation.

Call some animal to give birth to a slightly different species. Is that

That'll do.

Now you can understand what I mean when I tell you that I have a theory as to

the cause of this change in species, this mutation.

I believe it can be done.

Not with radiation, Mr. Stanford, but chemically.

I've tried a few experiments with plants and fungus.

You got any samples?

Unfortunately, nothing I can show. Only theoretical records.

But I don't think they make sense to you. Well, it sounds great in scientific

circles, Doc, but it's not exactly what I'd call front page stuff.

Hey, you know, kind of stuffy in here.

It's the heat from the mountain. I use it sometimes for experiments.

Will you excuse me, Mr. Stanford?

I'll go down to the lab and bring you up some photos of my fungus experiments.

They might prove interesting to you. I'd appreciate that.

Hello, darling. You're back with me, that gal in the dress who always says

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. And I'm... You're an experiment that didn't work

out. How rude!

Yeah, well, some of my old boyfriends would tell you otherwise.

Well, we're sure off to a horrifying beginning, aren't we?

I mean, did you get a load of that monster suit?

God, you could practically see the zipper on that thing.

Boy, I bet that wacky mad scientist friend murdered his mutant brother

he had to return the gorilla suit to Mount Fuji costume rentals to avoid a

fee.

Okay, darling, we're going to take a quick break, but there's more furry

and thrills ahead.

And if you'd like to see a load of hot Japanese chicks who don't know how to

no, raise your hand.

Ew, I said raise your hand.

Okay, more movie macabre after this.

Welcome back, darling. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark here. And if you're just

tuning in, Uncle Sam is cracking down on undocumented horror movie hostesses.

And I am at the top of the list.

So, I've been researching my options.

Let's see. Oh yeah, here we are.

Who wants a green card? A guide for the aspiring citizen.

So, you want to make a life for yourself in the U .S.? Here are some avenues of

exploration.

One, enter the green card lottery.

Yeah, forget that. I have worse luck than a black cat in a mirror repair

Two, marry an American.

Nah, I always swore I wouldn't get hitched until they legalized same -state

marriage.

Three, make a plea for political asylum.

That's it. All I need to do is make a case that I would be persecuted if I get

kicked out of the country.

And considering what my stand -up was like when I left the old country, that

shouldn't be too hard to do.

This might be hard to believe, but I wasn't always a universally beloved hot,

sexy TV star.

No, once upon a time, I was a social outcast, a misfit, a freak of nature,

there to be gawked at and prodded like some sideshow attraction.

Well, okay, I wasn't that bad, but does this know what I'm talking about? I

guess I better get started right now on my appeal.

In the meantime, here's part two of The Master, which could easily be the last

movie I ever host.

Boy, I never thought it would end this way.

Wild, socky bombs and geisha orgy.

Ah, who am I kidding? That's exactly how I thought it would end.

Roll it, Takashi.

Robin, are you sure what you're doing is absolutely right?

Right?

Don't you see him?

He's perfect for it. Besides, I've changed the enzyme.

It's got to work this time.

A physical and a psychological change. We'll keep records on every move he

makes. That's not what I mean.

Do you have the right to do this to him?

After all, the others were different. They volunteered.

But Tara, he's exactly the type I need. This is for science, for human

knowledge. What happens to one man doesn't make any difference.

You didn't seem to care for the others, Tara. I forgot how to care about anybody

a long time ago. You ought to know that.

Good. Keep it that way

Oh, hello, Doc.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to be rude. I just couldn't keep my eyes open.

I feel that way myself many times up here.

I seem to have collected myself a kink in the neck, too.

These are the pictures I thought you might be interested in.

Well, I'll take those back to Tokyo with me if you don't mind, Doc. Oh, by all

means. How about along for the road?

Not a bad idea.

Might wake me up.

I'll be coming down to Tokyo very shortly.

We must get together there.

I could use a little vacation from my work.

Sure, that'd be fine.

Here's the morning report for you. Thanks.

I'm forced to agree with you, Larry.

Not much to this Dr. Suzuki report.

I understand he's independently wealthy, one of these wealthy crackpots. Oh,

he's not such a bad guy.

He served lousy whiskey, though, gave me a hangover on two of them.

As a matter of fact, he phoned up this morning, said he was coming to Tokyo.

Wants to take me out on some fancy dinner or something.

Keisha party?

Who knows?

Anyway, I'm just filling in time till I head for New York and Linda.

This globetrotting almost broke us up.

By the way, Larry, you're going to be here a few days.

I've got a report here on some smuggling going on down in Hong Kong.

I wonder if you could hop a plane and go down there. Uh -uh. No dicey. You

pulled this one more story routine on me once too often. This time I'm going

home. I'll tell you what you can do with that report.

What's that?

Make a paper airplane out of it and sail it out the window.

Matthews? Oh, yes. Just a moment. Larry, it's for you.

New York.

I can't imagine who it might be.

Okay, I'll take it over here. And how about some privacy?

Put that call through here.

Oh, darling, it's wonderful to hear your voice.

What?

How everything's all right.

He just wanted to hear you.

When are you coming home, Daddy?

Just a few more days, darling.

Lots of paperwork and stuff. You know how it is.

After that, no more traveling.

We can make a real start all over again.

Huh?

I love you too, darling. But how do you know you love me? I might not be the

same person. I'm sure you're the same, darling.

I haven't changed either.

I've been thinking about you all the time.

a picture of you in my mind.

It's a nice picture, but it's not the same as the real thing.

Well, it won't be long now, darling.

I'll be thinking of you all the time.

We're going to some kind of a party tonight. I'll pretend you're along.

Oh, well, have a good time, Larry.

Were those guys in Kill Bill?

As they say in Japan, hanpai.

As we say in America, bottoms up.

You know, Doc, I don't know which I like better, Japanese sake or Japanese

geisha. What's the difference?

Plenty of both here.

No, seriously, Doc. I've never had time before to do this sort of thing.

You have no idea how stuffy these political interviews and press

be. With so little time left, please, let me be your host and...

Let me show you things you have never seen before in Japan.

I've been working rather hard myself lately.

Larry, I like you.

And I'd like to show you more of Japan.

Whoa, down boy.

This guy puts the gay in geisha.

It's an old American custom called smooch.

And tell her she smooches good.

Oh, I don't... Now, wait a minute. I haven't finished yet. Tell her she

good. And tell her I'd like to give her some advanced lessons. I don't have to

tell her anything, Larry.

I think she understands you very well.

Maybe, but let's find out.

Hey, listen, girl.

I think you're all very beautiful.

Very beautiful.

All right, guys. Thanks for your time.

A week overdue in New York, and I've been like this for three days. Let's

the sermon and get it over with. You know me better than that, Larry.

Your wife called again.

So she called. So what?

Look, it's really none of my business, but you were supposed to be home by now.

Listen to me, Ian.

I've been working very hard for a good many years, and now I'm supposed to go

back and change myself to a desk in the New York office.

Okay, if that's the way it's got to be, it's got to be. But before I go, I'm

going to do some of the things I never had a chance to do before.

This guy Suzuki just came into my life in time.

Well, that reminds me, I got a train to catch. He's taking me to a hot springs

hotel. And Linda?

You already said it, Ian.

It's none of your business.

A little second before a bath. Good for me.

The bath's ready now.

Larry, you're about to experience one of my country's greatest treasures, hot

mineral water from deep in the earth.

It has wonderful effects and sometimes strange effects.

Well, I've had hot baths before, but never in such fancy surroundings.

You know, Mark, it's amazing what I never got to see and do in this country

the time I've been here.

I didn't realize what fun I was missing.

Still, I'll have to leave sometime.

Yes, I know.

Oh, uh...

I have another surprise for you. Oh, what's that?

Do you remember my assistant, Tara? You met her at the lab.

She happens to be here at the hotel.

I think you'll find her especially interesting.

Why especially?

Her talent.

She is, first of all, an exceptionally beautiful woman.

She's been to nearly any country you can name.

She's intelligent, affectionate, and... How shall I say it?

Not unwilling to have a little attention now and then.

Sounds too good to be true.

Tell me, when do I meet this lovely mythical creature again?

Why not now?

I'm sure you two remember each other.

Well, hello again.

Say, I guess we must have your bath here.

You go ahead. We'll wait.

Why wait?

I can see you're not familiar with Japanese customs, Mr. Stanford.

You mean everybody together, same bath?

Well, there it is.

Cecil, remember something.

I promised to make a phone call to Tokyo.

Very important.

I wonder if you two will excuse me.

With pleasure.

Well?

Follow me.

Well, now I've seen everything.

Or I'm about to.

There are two baths, Mr. Stanford.

One for you and one for me. I see.

What's this, the Wall of Jericho?

We operate on the honors system here.

You mean this is the Japanese equivalent of a bundling bar?

Well, it keeps us apart, but not too far apart.

The doctor tells me these are mineral baths and good for me. Hope you're

How do you like it, Mr. Stanford?

My name is Larry. I think it's great.

Having a wonderful time.

Wish you were here.

Well, I'm not very far.

Tell me more about yourself.

Well, not very much to tell.

I've worked pretty hard all my life, and now I'm just starting to enjoy myself.

How about you? Where are you from? You speak English beautifully.

I speak many languages.

Is the water hot enough for you?

These flowers should be as hot as you can take it.

That way you get the benefit of the minerals in the water.

Might as well be getting some sort of benefit right now.

Is anything the matter, Larry?

Yeah, I've had enough. I'm getting out.

Oh, gosh, that is one way to unleash your inner manster, isn't it?

Of course, dating a brute like him always gets a little complicated. Am I

ladies? I mean, the late -night howling, the clogged shower drain, explaining to

the neighbors why all their goats have been decapitated.

You know, it's almost enough to make you swear off man -beasts forever.

Still, a girl has needs.

And what this girl needs is to figure out what I'm going to do about my

deportation.

Well, let's take a short break for a few words from our sponsors.

Hopefully I'll still live here when you get back.

I have got this whole deportation dilemma all figured out. I'm going

the top and sending an appeal to the president.

Okay, yeah, I know what you're thinking. The White House must get thousands of

letters every day.

But I have a secret weapon.

Well, actually, I have two secret weapons. But besides those, I'm going to

stamp with a picture of the American flag on it.

Once they get a load of what a patriot I am, all my visa worries will be over. I

mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Who knows?

Uh, yeah, thanks for the support, Larry.

But unless we saw him, he had just begun to experience the change.

No, silly, not menopause.

Although, come to think of it, he is having a lot of hot flashes and mood

swings. I feel that way myself many times up here.

Ooh, maybe catching.

You gotta watch out. If you suddenly find yourself experiencing a creepy

tingling feeling, you may be undergoing manster pause.

You better make an appointment with your grown ecologist.

Ah, the only known cure is a heavy dose of horror -moans.

Horror -moans!

Well, back in the flat with more A Movie Macabre.

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

It's a great little song in a great little country.

Hey, now I'm going to show you where I live. Can you make some martini?

What is that?

That's a musical martini.

Hello, Larry.

What's good, Larry?

Well, this is quite a surprise.

I think I'd better go. I think you'd better stay.

We've all got some things to talk about.

Anybody mind if I pick myself a drink?

Now, Ian, there's a name for a guy who'll pull a trick like this.

Ian had nothing to do with it.

I dragged him here. I flew in today, Larry. I couldn't stand it any longer.

Ian wouldn't tell me a thing.

It wasn't hard to guess that you'd found company.

Sorry, Larry.

Yeah, sure.

All right, let's not draw this one out. Let's make it front page, top banner

line now.

So you found out, so what?

Darling, I... I came here so that I could see you.

So you could see me.

I don't want things to go on this way, Larry.

You've got to make a choice right now.

The girlfriend or me.

Tara, I don't think we're wanted here. Let's go someplace and finish the

evening.

Good night, Mrs. Sampson.

Larry, I'll wait here till midnight, then I'm leaving.

The choice is yours.

I made my choice.

Oh, Ian.

Ian, what am I going to do?

What am I going to do?

Wait. That's all you can do.

I want to fight Ian, but he's changed.

He's so different.

I still hope.

Look, I'll wait here till midnight.

I can talk to him alone.

If he's not back, I'll go to the hotel.

And then?

And then I...

I've lost the battle.

What else can I do?

You want me to stay here for a while? No.

No, please go.

I've got to work this out for myself.

Good luck, Linda.

How about that?

You know, Tara, I figured you'd live in a place like this.

It fits you.

It's beautiful.

Larry, why did you come with me tonight?

Why did you make that choice?

I'll tell you the truth, Tara.

It's you I want.

I feel comfortable with you.

Something strange has been happening to me lately. I can't explain it.

You're the only one that seems to understand.

Don't ever leave me.

No, Larry. Not this way.

What do you mean, not this way?

When I belong to a man no one else does.

If it can't be that way, then I don't want him.

You're thinking about Linda?

Yes.

She's not going to give up so easily, Larry.

I know how a woman thinks.

If I'm not mistaken, she's waiting for you at your apartment right now. She

she'd leave if I didn't come back. That won't happen.

You must go and tell her it's finished.

It would be bad that way.

You wait for me here?

I'll wait for you to come back.

If you come back.

Go, Linda. Go home.

Harry, what's the matter? What is it?

Can I help you? Nothing's the matter. I don't need any help.

I just want you to leave.

I know I shouldn't have stayed here, but I couldn't give up that easily.

Give up what? What we never had?

You've been here all this time, you know. I've asked you to join me overseas

more than once.

Larry, what sort of a life is that?

Living in hotels?

Places not even on the map?

Picking up and moving every time there's a new war or revolution?

You married me.

You knew I was a foreign correspondent?

Yes, I know, but I figured one day you could settle down.

Settle down, that's a good way to put it.

Settle down like mud in a pool.

Bridge on Wednesdays, cocktail Thursdays, PDA Fridays. But you know

give you this kind of stuff, Linda.

Go home and find someone else.

Larry, what's happened to you? I don't know, Linda. I just want you to let me

alone, that's all. Just leave me alone. Go away. I won't let you alone, Larry.

I'm fighting for something that belongs to you and me.

I don't know how it happened, but it won't last.

This woman, she's got you all mixed up so you can't think straight.

I don't know how it started. Maybe a weak moment. You think I'm weak?

You think I covered all those wars and revolutions because I was weak?

Or maybe it's because I never put you in your place before, never slapped you

down when you needed it. Harry, what's gotten into you? Nothing's gotten into

me. I just became a real self for once, that's all.

Nobody's going to tie me down anymore. Nobody's going to tell me what to do.

Wacom Tim.

I heard you singing.

I don't know why I came in. I was just passing by.

I guess you don't know what I'm talking about.

Maybe that's just as well.

Makes it easier to talk.

Gotta talk to someone.

Gotta get it out of me.

Gotta get it out of me.

I thought you weren't coming back.

You were a long time.

I told you.

After Linda left, I went out for a walk.

Where did you go?

I don't know.

Fix me another drink, will you?

It was... It was like a dream.

Sort of a nightmare.

Only I don't know where the dream stopped and the real thing began.

I came to a temple. I remember that.

Then, I was walking, just walking.

Does your hand hurt?

Those prayer beads, where did you get them?

I don't know. Picked them up someplace.

I can't remember.

I have a feeling I don't want to remember. I want to forget.

That's something I can do.

Help you forget.

I like everything about this place.

But the music.

Well, maybe I'm getting a little senile.

You're as young as you ever were, Ian.

And as kind.

It's sweet of you to bring me here.

You know, I was getting a bit lonely.

It's an understatement. I was getting ready to scream.

Didn't I ask you here because I want to talk to you about Larry?

What the devil's gotten into him lately?

I don't know.

So maybe it's what you just said.

The devil's gotten into him.

He used to be a good reporter, Linda. All reliable.

Now when I want him, I can hardly find him. And when I do, I can't seem to

through to him.

You say hello, and he starts an argument.

I've never seen anyone change so quickly.

Yeah.

He doesn't seem the same person.

What are you going to do?

You can't stay here in Tokyo forever and watch Larry go to pieces like this.

I don't know exactly what I'm going to do, Ian.

But I'm sure of one thing.

I still love Larry, and I'm not going to run away.

Guess I'll just have to stick around for a while and hope.

Wow, murder, mayhem, and hairy palms.

This is turning out to be my kind of movie after all.

You know, it's not often you find a horror flick with real character growth.

Speaking of which, what the heck is growing out of Larry's neck?

Okay, let's go to tape for an instant replay.

Ew! Can't tell if it's supposed to be an ingrown hair or a shoulder fetus.

Guys, either the makeup department slapped some silly putty on him and

a night, or that is the ugliest damn mole I've ever seen.

Well, I guess we'll find out after this break.

Don't go away, darling. I have a feeling things are going to start to get really

exciting.

Well, hello again, darling.

Elvira here in full -on crisis mode.

Turns out my plea to the president for leniency has fallen on deaf ears.

And here I thought those radar dishes could pick up anything.

And what am I going to do?

What am I going to do?

Oh, please, honey.

So your husband's coming home with a raging case of soft -shell crabs.

I am the one with the real problem here.

Everything I've worked on so hard for all these years is in jeopardy. My

designer dungeon, my walk -in shoe crypt, my unicorn ivory collection.

All those... Government agents will just confiscate everything I own and then

just throw me out on the street with nothing but this slutty dress on my

But come to think of it, it's how I got my start in show business.

Nope, there's got to be a way around this.

Hmm, I know. I should call my lawyers, Dewey, Scroom, and Howe. They'll be able

to help me.

Well, darling, while I give him a call, why don't you check back in on Larry the

Manster? That guy is the horniest thing to hit Tokyo since Gene Simmons on the

Kiss Rocks Japan tour.

God, I wonder how many little... fatherless mansions he left behind.

Well, I knew if I kept looking, I'd find you.

All right, you found me. Now what?

We've got a pretty big story to cover this morning.

What's the matter with your hand?

I burned it.

When are you coming back to work, Larry?

Seems to me I got some vacation due.

Yes, you have, but you're still being carried in my books. I think I have a

right to know what your plans are.

Plans?

Who has any plans?

Ian, do me a favor. If you're not drinking, leave me alone, will you?

I was about to.

I've got an officer to take care of, you know.

But I have a suggestion.

How about tonight?

You and I used to go on some pretty good binges together.

Not tonight.

Look, Larry.

Confession's good for the soul and all that.

Are you sure there isn't something you'd like to tell me? You're pressing your

luck, Ian. All right, Larry.

All right.

Whenever what's eating you stops eating, you've got a job waiting.

But remember this. It can't wait forever.

Where'd you get those?

Get what?

Those.

Oh, I don't know. Picked them up somewhere.

They're Buddhist prayer beads.

You don't say.

Well, I just thought it odd you had them. They're common around here, but...

I've never seen you with anything like that before.

There must be a lot of things you've never seen, Ian.

Yes.

The Buddhist prayer beads.

As a matter of fact, I talked to quite a few Buddhists recently. I found out one

very good thing about them. What's that?

They mind their own business.

There's a definite cycle.

That proves another theory of mine.

Yeah, mine too. I blame Katherine Heigl's movies. Going through the

metamorphosis.

This is his old self here at the bottom of each curve.

And this is his new self.

Actually a different species of man at the top.

But notice how the wheels are rising.

Before long, he'll be entirely on the top.

Entirely a new being.

Robert, I don't like it. That's your privilege.

Not everyone's interested in mutation.

That's not what I mean.

I don't like what I'm doing.

I know you had to keep him in Tokyo, and at first I didn't care.

Any emotion I ever had was killed in me a long time ago.

But maybe I've just a little left, and I don't like watching it happen to him.

Are you falling in love with him, Tara?

I don't think I'm able to fall in love.

You don't have any illusions about us, do you? You know where you found me.

And you know what happens to me if I have to go back there.

That's the only reason I stayed with you, Robert. Can I make it any clearer

that?

Look at her, Tara.

Take another look at Emiko.

You knew her, Tara.

When she was... Oh, what shall we say?

When she was an ordinary woman.

Not a bad -looking woman.

Remember?

Can you hear me, Emiko?

Can you understand what I'm saying?

You think I'm heartless, don't you, Tara?

You like to pretend to be a woman without a soul.

But these things really bother you, don't they?

I think you forget that Emiko was my first human experiment.

That she begged me to try the enzyme out on her.

And when I wouldn't, she took it herself.

And you forget that my brother Kenji volunteered after I gave him full

I know all that.

Is that supposed to excuse you?

I don't have to make excuses to anyone, Tara.

I'm just trying to remind you of something.

Your very good friend Larry Stanford is going to change completely.

Nothing can stop them now.

I might be able to separate his new self, but I'm not going to take that

Do you know what that means, Tara?

It means when he changes, he'll be an alien thing, a species that's never

this earth before.

Do you think they'll ever think like that, Liv?

Do you think anybody will?

Think it over, Tara.

Ask yourself if you can afford to fall in love with a monster like... Megimiko,

the woman who used to be my wife.

Oh, hi again.

Sorry I missed that scintillating plot exposition, but I'm on hold for an

important phone call with my lawyer.

You know, did you ever wonder why whenever a repressed... creep gets

it's always the same.

Blah, blah, blah.

Miserable childhood. Girls were mean to me. Now the world must pay.

Man, I have heard it a billion times on my blind dates with everyone from

Frankenstein to Glenn Beck.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, really?

Oh, you will?

Fantastic. Okay.

My lawyer's going to pick up in a sec. So sit tight through this teeny tiny

break, and I'll be back with more of Elvira's American -made movie macabre.

Oh, they're finally bringing me through to my lawyers right now.

Hi.

Yeah, hi there.

This is Elvira, and I've got a really nasty immigration problem here, and I...

Yeah, I need to get some help before they toss me out of my... Hi.

But... Look, hey, don't tell me to calm down, okay? I need answers here, not

solutions.

Oh, God.

How dare you speak to me like that? And in Japanese, no less.

Oh, hi. Hi there, darling. I'm just wrapping up a friendly business call

lawyer.

So listen, you little weasel. Either fix this freaking fiasco or you're fired.

Ambulance chaser.

Great! Now I'll probably get a bill in the mail for $500 and I'm no closer to

solving my problem than I was before.

Well... I guess I better just hit the books. I mean, if I could just pass the

test, all my immigration problems would be U .S. history.

It's got to be easy. I mean, what was I freaking out about anyway?

All righty, let's see.

America was discovered in what year?

Let's see now.

Okay, Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1972?

Ah, 1492.

I should have known.

I mean, they didn't even have mirror balls back then.

Ah, jeez, I am just totally hopeless when it comes to book smarts.

Now, if they tested you on useful things, like how to get out of a

ticket with your hands cuffed behind your back, I would graduate at the top

my class.

Well, while I study up, why don't you get back to the master, where things are

about to go from mildly bizarre to really freaky.

Excited?

Don't be.

Come in.

Hello, Larry.

I'm glad we found you in. Any reason why you wouldn't? Put out the sputtering

fuse, will you?

Are you going to ask us in?

All right, come in. You know where the drinks are.

This is my friend, Dr. Jensen, Larry.

I happened to be with him tonight and asked him to come along.

Hope you don't mind.

Why should I?

Hi, Doc.

How do you do?

Larry? I think you can guess why I want to talk to you.

I think you know your behavior lately has not been exactly like your old self.

Don't blow your cork. I've got a couple of questions I mean to ask whether

they're my business or not.

All right, go ahead and ask them.

First question.

Do you remember when I saw you in a bar after that old Buddhist priest was

murdered? You had a string of Buddhist prayer beads with you, and you never did

say why.

I suppose this is far -fetched, but I couldn't help feeling there was a

connection.

Now, tell me the truth, Larry.

Did you accidentally see the murder or something like that? Did it set you off,

put you in that rotten mood?

Yeah, I'll tell you the truth, Ian. I don't know what you're talking about.

right.

Second question.

Do you realize that your behavior lately has had every aspect of a man flipping

his lid?

What are you trying to say, Ian?

Larry, Dr.

Jensen is a psychiatrist, the best in Tokyo.

That's why I brought him.

I'd like you to let him talk to you.

The world press will pick up the bill.

So you're a witch, Doctor, eh?

Well, some people do call us that.

I can see right now that your case would be most interesting.

Here's my card. What about an appointment tomorrow morning, say, 10 o

Get out of here, both of you. Doc, you go and rattle your bones somewhere else.

I don't look after my own problems. No, we do not. You can get out of here.

Get up. Clear out, gang.

Larry's in one of his moods again.

No! No!

Lasik.

This is Dr. Jensen.

5,

show me 132.

Please send police here immediately. This is urgent.

What kind of shampoo does the manster use?

Head and shoulders.

All

right,

fellas, go on back to the office and write this up. I'll see you in about a

an hour.

I'm afraid I've got a personal interest in this one, Superintendent.

I knew Dr. Jensen very well.

Mr. Matthews, I'm going to ask a favor.

I wish you wouldn't print this story just yet. Not print it now. Wait a

Dr. Jensen was internationally known.

This is news.

Mr. Matthews, there's a killer loose in Tokyo.

The worst known in 30 years.

And I've got to stop him. Now, so far we've reported every murder he's

committed. This time I want to throw him off guard.

Perhaps he'll wonder why it wasn't reported.

Perhaps he'll come back. When you say don't print this story, you're asking

quite a bit.

I have responsibility to my readers, you know. You also have one to your friend,

Dr. Jensen.

Believe me, Mr. Matthews, I'm determined to catch this murderer.

I have to answer to my own superiors, and if I don't catch him, I'll be

to resign.

Well, hold off for the time being. But you can't keep a thing like this quiet

for long.

Tomorrow, there'll be a press conference in my office at 5 o 'clock. I'll try to

have something more definite for you by then.

All right. And perhaps by that time, I'll have something for you.

Larry? Larry, are you here?

You must be the cleaning woman. Come inside.

Tell us all.

Gentlemen,

the killings have been at these places.

Usually we get a pattern from something like this. But not this time.

He seems to strike blindly, without reason.

That's a very impressive map, Superintendent.

But just exactly what are you doing about these murders?

Well, we've doubled the police on duty, and every officer carries extra arms.

And we've deployed our men so that reinforcements are always nearby.

I'd like to know, sir, when do you expect to catch the killer?

I'm sorry, I don't know.

If we could find a pattern, I might be able to estimate.

But this killer, well, he doesn't even seem to be human.

Any more questions, gentlemen?

Is that all you've got for us?

That's all I have right now.

Well, thanks, Superintendent.

The next time you call us in, I hope you've got more of a story.

Well, Mr.

Matthews, I suppose you're not satisfied either.

Superintendent, I've come to a decision.

Not an easy one.

But I'm thinking of your men out there and all the others who may shortly find

themselves victims.

Yes?

I'm afraid I have something very important to tell you.

Thank you.

GAH!

Yes, it does look bad.

But still, you can never tell about evidence.

It can be very deceiving.

This

time

one of my policemen.

Are you sure it was the same killer? No doubt.

He got away again. I just can't believe it was Larry.

Well, whether we're sure of it or not, Mr.

Matthews, the time has come to take some precautions.

Pick up Larry?

Yes, if we can find him.

Well, he's bound to return to his apartment sooner or later.

I suppose you can put a stake out on it.

I'm going to handle this personally, and I'd like you to come along.

Larry?

Yabana, sweep the court.

Okanamono, study tape.

No!

Stop throwing the furniture around. You're spoiling the feng shui.

Wow, talk about a splitting headache.

No.

I don't mean the two -headed monster terrorizing Tokyo.

That joke's too cheap even for me.

I mean this endless nightmare they call American immigration.

I spent all that time studying for the citizenship test, and it turns out the

government's not even accepting any more of my kind until next year.

Won't anyone take pity on me?

I forgot how to care about anybody a long time ago.

Oh, gee, thanks. That really warms the cockles of my heart.

Can we say cockles on TV?

Well, if we don't come up with a solution soon, I am going to be

the next movie macabre in the old country. And with the time difference,

means the Mistress of the Dark would have to start work at noon.

Now I am really scared. I'm really scared.

Will somebody please hold me?

No, no, not you. No, sorry. No.

Oh, maybe you.

Good news, darling. During our last break, a certain senator, who owes me a

favor, intervened on my behalf.

Sadly, I don't qualify for citizenship.

Turns out you need a birth certificate that's not chiseled on a stone tablet.

But I don't have to worry about being deported anymore.

The senator had me listed on the National Register of Historic Places.

That's right. These babies are officially a landmark.

Move over, Grand Teton. There's a new pair in town.

Finally, I can charge admission to see them.

And I get off on federal holidays.

I mean, I get federal holidays off.

Now it's time for tonight's final indignity, the ending to this bizarro

So stick around, and maybe you'll get another peek at my national treasures.

What happened? He got away. I think I know where he's going, to Tara's. Follow

me. Right.

Well, it's fortunate she wasn't here.

But I wonder where she went to.

He's going to try and get her. Still looking for that pattern,

No, I'm afraid I'm just trusting to luck now.

Superintendent. Yes. When you find him, will you... Will you remember that

something's happened to him?

Something he can't control. I know, Larry.

Are you asking me not to shoot to kill?

Yes, I am.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Stanford.

I can't promise anything right now.

He's been sighted at the shipyard.

Nolan, we better wait here.

Well, between this and heat treatment, there's a chance.

I'm not sure, but there's bound to be some sort of change.

If he comes back?

He'll be here.

Kenji came back, remember?

At the risk of being over -poetic.

Let me put it this way.

He was conceived in the mountain.

He'll return to the mountain.

You shouldn't have done it, Robert. You shouldn't have started the whole thing.

I suppose I'm just beginning to realize that.

Still, look what I've given to science.

It's all in this notebook, the whole case history, except for one detail, the

formula for the enzyme.

I don't want this experiment repeated, ever.

I don't know what your plans are, but don't destroy him. Not the way you

destroyed Kenji, promise me that.

You did fall in love with Larry Stanford, didn't you?

Tara, some of us aren't meant to know love.

Not as ordinary people do.

I haven't had very good luck myself in that respect.

But you've got to try with Larry. You've got to try to bring him back. I tried

with Kenji. And I kept trying with Emiko even when I knew it was hopeless.

I'm afraid that was a mistake.

But with this new injection and heat, lots of heat, it may work.

He might separate completely, spurt into two human beings.

But, Tara, what will they be?

I'm leaving you, Robin.

You can't leave me, Tara.

We've gone through this before.

Do you want to go back to where I found you? Yes, I'll go back to that if

necessary. Don't talk like a child.

Haven't I treated you well?

Bought you anything you wanted?

What else do you want? The illusion of respectability?

All right, if that's what you want, I'll marry you. That can be arranged now.

You may need this, Robin.

Police department.

Inspector Aida, please.

Can you understand me, Emiko?

Emiko, try hard.

Try this time. You used to be my wife.

And before that, you were my sweetheart.

Remember?

We went to America.

We went to the university together.

We had wonderful plans, didn't we?

We were going to be great scientists.

Like Pierre and Marie Curie.

But it didn't work out that way, did it, Emiko?

I'm sorry.

I don't know why.

Maybe I offended the gods.

I didn't used to believe in gods.

Forgive me.

But did you give him my message?

I see.

I see.

Don't be afraid.

You know me.

Give me your hand.

Give me your hand.

I guess there's nothing else we can

do now except wait.

I'll wait.

I'll wait as long as I have to. It may be quite a while.

I'll have to make a formal arrest when he's well enough. I have no choice.

I understand, Superintendent.

It's going to pose quite a legal problem.

Who really did all these things?

It wasn't Larry.

It couldn't have been Larry.

It must have been something, someone else.

Why did it have to happen? Why?

I don't know, Linda.

He was an average sort of guy.

the image of us all.

How can I say this?

There was good in Larry and there was evil.

The evil part broke through, took hold.

Call it an accident or call it a warning.

A warning?

I'm a reporter, not a mystic, Linda.

But there are things beyond us, things perhaps we're not meant to understand.

If what's happened has made this all clear, well then, perhaps it makes sense

after all.

Have faith, Linda.

Have faith in the good that's still in Larry and in all men.

That ending felt a little abrupt.

Jeez, so many unanswered questions.

Like, what were Larry and the monster doing behind that tree?

Hmm, maybe it's better if we don't know.

Well, at least we found out how to get rid of an ugly blackhead.

Enough with the rim shots already!

Thanks for sticking with me tonight, boils and ghouls. Remember, we've got

another schlock fest, I mean, horror classic coming up next week.

Until then,

unpleasant

dreams.