Original subtitles

The following program on the pubic broadcasting system is brought to you in

by a grant from the Chubby Foundation and viewers like you.

Good evening. My name is Elvira Cookie.

And welcome to Mistress Beast Theatre.

Tonight we have what critics all over the world consider the second worst film

of all time.

This stunning example of number two is none other than Manos.

The Hands of Faith.

Manos.

From the Latin word for hands.

So in essence, the title of our feature tonight is Hands, the Hands of Faith.

For decades, legends have surrounded the filming of this film, and tales of the

odd, the strange, and what you call bizarre have survived to enhance our

enjoyment of this epic.

This film...

Featured the extinguished performance of John Reynolds as Torgo, the master

servant. The rumor is that Reynolds was on the hallucinogenic mind -altering

drug hashish throughout his performance.

Now put that in your pipe and smoke it.

We hope you enjoyed tonight's highbrow performance.

And no one's brow is higher than mine. Prepare for the cult classic, Manos,

Hands of Fate.

On movie.

We're almost there, honey. Just a little while longer and your vacation starts.

I'm getting cold, Mother, and hungry.

We should be pretty close right now. The agent said it was about 12 miles from

Highway 10, and that was Highway 10 back there.

But you know we should have asked for better directions at the last gas

Listen, I've never gotten us lost before.

Ah, typical man.

Stop and ask for directions.

This is not going to end well.

Okay, Debbie, I'll put the top up.

Never mind, Mike. Debbie can come up and sit between us.

Now that's better, baby.

Why don't we sing a song to help pass the time?

Hmm?

Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream.

Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Row, row, row your

boat gently down the stream. Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream.

Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream.

I see you have a taillight problem.

No excuse.

Running late, first vacation, kid getting tired.

That's too bad.

Well, can't you give us a break, officer?

Well, all right, all right.

Sure do appreciate it. We are running kind of late.

Okay, but if you're running late, you should have started earlier.

Anyhow, no taillight.

Have it fixed.

Thank you, officer.

Thankfully, they didn't find the 10 pounds of hashish in the trunk.

Use this strength I have within It's real and not a lie

Now just hand me off that pistol.

We're almost there, Debbie. Just a few minutes more.

See the way I really love you Try We'll

have a ball

Hey, girl, do you hear what I'm saying? I don't have time to be waiting all day.

Just believe that it's not all so wrong.

There's a reason I'm singing this song.

It's not a big question to ask a thing.

Do you want to do it?

Man, like there's nothing up that road.

Now look, the sign pointed this way. Mike, let's go back to the crossroads

ask those kids we saw. Okay, okay, but I know we can't be wrong. Look, the sign

pointed this way.

Just ask somebody already.

They should have called this movie Driving Miss Crazy.

How many times do we have to chase you kids?

Oh, gee.

Holy cow, man.

You'd think we're doing something wrong.

Well, whatever it is you're not doing, go don't do it somewhere else.

Why don't you guys leave us alone?

Come on, now. No wisecracks. Just go on home.

Okay.

Get going. Get going. Right already.

I could have sworn we didn't make a wrong turn. You must have.

Where did the road go?

No need to get upset. We'll find it.

Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago.

I don't care. Let's see if we can get some directions.

Look, there's someone at the door.

Torgo, I take care of the place while the master is away.

But the child, I'm not sure the master would approve.

Or the dog.

The master doesn't like children.

We only want to know where Valley Lodge is. Which way do we go?

There is no place like that around here.

Mike, I'm scared.

It's getting dark.

Well, Targo, which way is out of here?

There is no way out of here.

It will be dark soon.

There is no way out of here.

No way out?

Yeah, he said there's no way out, Kai.

Right here, and then tomorrow we can...

I don't want to spend the night here. I don't like the looks of the place.

Well, it seems we have no alternative.

Well, how about it, Torgo? Can we spend the night here?

Well, I don't know what else we can do.

But, Mike, I don't want to stay here.

And the master wouldn't approve.

Don't worry about it. We're here now, and I'm sure the master won't throw us

out. Well, how about it, Torgo?

I don't want to stay. Let's leave.

I don't know about it I just don't know

Well, Torgo, in or out?

Patient, dear.

Very well. The master will be very disturbed.

I'll get the luggage.

Togler, we'll stay tonight, and then tomorrow... You must be... You cannot

The master would not approve.

See you're feeling better already Look at this

He looks so sinister.

Must be the master himself.

Freakishness in the arts, masquerading as originality, and enthusiasm

to be entertainment.

As we leave this aptless family in the home of the villainous Tom Selleck, we

wipe with bite and breath for your return.

My breath would bite your gin, innit?

to Mistress Peace Theater.

I am your hostess, Elvira Cookie.

Now, for those of you wandering fans of the high arts, or those of you who are

just high, we are suffering through the 1966 cinematic sacrifice,

mangoes to cans of fruit.

If you have been with us through the first act, I'm sorry.

you would have been introduced to the character Togo, portrayed by the great

thespian John Reynolds.

His enhanced performance amounts to the groundbreaking makeup effect of his

theta legs.

Seriously, I mean, they broke the ground. And his legs.

Yes, yes, rumor has it that the theta prosthetics were applied incorrectly and

he sustained permanent damage to his knees.

forcing an addiction to painkillers until his untimely, grisome, slow,

death.

That you all found in frivolity on Nanny the Handyman here on Movie Macabre.

Mike, I'm

scared. He has the

meanest look.

And that dog.

I'd hate to run up on him in the dark or even in the light, for that matter.

Why, this movie is fun for the whole family.

The Manson family.

That must be your master. Where did you say he was?

He has left this world.

But he is with us always. No matter where we go, he is with us.

What? No matter where he goes.

What does that mean?

That dog.

It's the most vicious looking animal I've ever seen.

I hope he goes where the master goes.

There is nothing to fear, madam.

The master likes you.

Nothing will happen to you. He likes you.

Likes me?

I thought you said he was dead.

Dead? No, madam, not dead the way you know it.

He is with us always.

Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always.

Mike, I don't like this.

Nothing to worry about. It's only your imagination.

I think that it's best that I show you through the bedroom now.

Oh, my God.

Mike, what was that?

Probably some animal in the desert. Nothing to be afraid of.

I'm scared, Mike.

Michael, I don't care what it is.

Chase it away.

Okay, if it'll make you relax, I'll go out and see what it is.

Stay here. Get back into the house.

the house, damn it.

My God, Mike, what happened?

He's dead.

Pepe's been killed.

Get back in the house, honey.

Mike, what kind of place is this?

My God, what kind of place is this?

I'll take care of everything, honey. Get back in the house.

Oh, Mike, what could have done it?

Honey,

it was probably some animal from the desert.

This place must be full of them.

Peppy? You went away, baby.

You went away while you were asleep.

Mike, I want to leave this place.

Now.

Okay, honey, we'll leave right away.

Where the hell is that caretaker?

Targo?

Targo?

Did you want me? We're leaving. Would you mind

putting the luggage back in the car?

As you wish.

Right now.

Fast, damn it, fast!

I'll be glad to leave. I've had all of this place I want.

Madam, it will be very dangerous to leave now.

The master wants you.

Wants me?

What kind of talk is that?

He wants you for his wife.

He loves beautiful women.

Don't you ever try that again, you beast.

The master wants you, but he can't have you. I want you.

Stop that talk this instant, you hear?

He wants you, but he can't have you.

Let me out of here.

Let me out of here now.

Do you hear now?

Forgive me, madam.

I meant no harm.

Forgive you?

Just wait till I tell my husband.

Well, that's some attitude.

I meant no harm, madam. I'll protect you.

I'll protect you.

Very well. I won't tell my husband.

Now let me out.

Hey, Maggie, the damn car won't start.

Margaret?

Damn car won't start.

Well, that really fixes things.

What are we going to do now?

I don't know, and I couldn't find anything wrong with it either.

Hey, Torgo, where's the phone?

Yes, Alexander Graham Bell, you know, telephone?

There is none, sir. The master doesn't approve of such devices.

Then where is the nearest phone?

The nearest phone is at the crossroads.

That's ten miles.

Ten miles?

Might as well be 10 ,000 miles.

Easy, honey. It won't help to get mad.

The master won't mind you staying tonight.

He has no choice. We can't leave, we can't walk out of here, and the damn car

won't start.

I'll just bring the bags back to the room.

Finister.

Sinister isn't descriptive enough.

Honey, we'll leave in the morning and soon this place will be forgotten.

Forgotten? I'll never forget.

Pepe's gone.

I just hope Debbie will understand.

She'll understand. She's my baby. She'll understand.

I hope so, darling. I sure hope so.

She's my baby. She'll understand.

Say, where is she?

Oh, my God!

But don't get wrought out. She's probably playing hide -and -seek.

Okay, Debbie, we see you. Come out, come out, wherever you are. Maybe she

slipped into one of the rooms.

Debbie?

Debbie! Debbie!

Debbie!

Debbie!

Doctor, have you seen Debbie?

No.

She's gone. Help us find her.

She couldn't have gone outside.

The door's bolted. For God's sake, don't panic. She's got to be in here.

Is there another exit to the outside?

In the kitchen.

That door's bolted, too.

Outside, Mike. She's got to be outside. All right, we'll look outside for her.

Debbie? Debbie?

Debbie? Debbie?

Mike, I'm scared.

The animals and the desert. Cut it out.

We'll find her.

Don't worry.

Debbie?

Debbie?

Now you'll be a good puppy.

Mike, it's the dog from the portrait.

Stand back, Debbie. Stand back.

Darling, baby, you could have been hurt.

But you

should never run away from us.

Debbie, don't ever run away from us.

Oh, man.

Where did you find the new dog, baby?

In a big place. In a big place?

Where, Debbie?

There was a big, dry place. It was so dark. but I wasn't afraid of the

There are all kinds of funny people in it. Where is the place, Debbie?

Over here, Gary.

Let's go.

Get in the bedroom and lock yourself in. I'm going to find Torgo. He's got some

explaining to do.

Hurry, please, hurry.

Shot entirely M .O .S. And then the entire cast was dubbed by

only two men and one woman.

The young actress playing Debbie cried when she first heard her dubbed voice.

I know, Debbie. I cried too.

Movie Macabre will return with more things to make you cry right after this.

Hello, darling.

You got me in the nick of time.

We now return to filmed in finest freak show, Manos, The Hands of Faith.

Now, in addition to this being shot MOS, mid -out sound, it was also shot mid

-out budget, mid -out tasks, mid -out costumes, and mid -out of purpose.

And one cannot help but speculum that the final product would have been in...

Definitely better. Met out film in their camera.

Director Harold Warren repeatedly told his amateur cast that all of the

would be fixed in pubs.

Unfortunately, they were not.

I apologize in advance as we now return to our presentation of many

hands that feed you.

I want her.

She's mine, mine, mine. Do you hear? I want this one. You have all the wives

need. She's mine.

pretty ones.

Let me see how good you are.

I won't need you anymore.

I have my own wife.

I won't have to come in here to dream of having one of you.

You, you're the worst.

You were his first wife.

He doesn't want you anymore, and now even I don't want you.

I'm through with all of you.

Through!

Through,

do you hear me?

Oh well, she seems pretty relaxed now.

Again? How many times do you have to be told?

How many times do we have to watch it?

Have a heart, will you?

Go chase that other couple.

What other couple?

Those idiots that went deeper in the desert.

Find them and chew on them a while. We know that this road goes nowhere.

So now get.

No smart stuff. We ain't trying to jump on you.

Just get.

O Manos, thou of primal darkness, thou who dwellest in the depths of the

universe in the black chasms of night.

Thou who bestoweth the mother's darkness upon thy faithful to live eternally in

her keeping.

Thou dost make him most blessed forever.

And thou who dost curse with eternal burning light those who transgress

thee. Holy art thou, holy art thou, holy art thou.

One oath will be done.

Thy priesthood remains steadfast. Thy priesthood remains constant. Thy

priesthood remains righteous.

Thou hast taught us, O Manos, and we have listened.

Give ear to our words, O Manos, and hear us.

Hear us, hear us, for we are faithful and thou art our God.

Arise, my wives, give ear to the words of Manos.

Arise, my wives, and hear the will of Manos.

Alive for one minute and already nagging.

Why has a child been brought here?

Why?

And a female child is that.

I have never complained about sacrificing a man.

But a child? The woman is all we want.

The others must die.

They all must die.

We do not even want the woman.

The child is a female.

She must not be destroyed.

She will grow up to be a woman.

She must be killed.

No. I am the oldest of the wives and it is my privilege to say that. Enough.

Enough of this stupid bickering.

The child must die.

If you persist in this foolishness, your youthfulness will come to an end. Say

what you will, I will have no part of this madness.

She lives.

But I say she must die. I don't know what they're doing here in the first

Togo should never have allowed them in and I won't. You have caused enough

trouble. I think perhaps your service to us is at its end now.

Silence! Silence!

And now, my wives, I shall deal with the one who is responsible for the child

being here.

Torgo. He's the one.

Get Torgo.

You are responsible for this nonsense.

We shall dispose of you later.

It's a terrible mistake.

The man, yes.

The child, no.

Maybe she's right. Maybe we should spare the child.

It is against our will that we stay here. Do not make the child die to

him. He does not need any more wives.

Yes, he has no more time for older wives.

Just the newest.

Jealousy is not part of us.

Why are you so jealous of me?

You are a troublemaker.

You deserve to die.

Die? I may die, but I do not care.

The child must live.

She is right. We will not kill the child.

But Manos would not approve.

The law of Manos exists for us only.

Manos loves women.

She will grow up to be a woman.

She may.

When the master hears of this, he will be furious.

You are all mad. Mad, the whole lot of you. The man, yes.

The child, no.

go beyond the summation of words.

This is one of them. I have no words to describe what we just witnessed.

Let us close our eyes and pretend it just didn't happen.

Repeat after me. There was no cat fight.

There were no women in togas.

They did not have red stripes painted on their panties. This movie isn't real.

Refill, please.

Mind the gap.

Memos. Aren't mine great. We'll return right after this.

Oh, my God.

Oh, this movie is so much better.

Oh, you guys.

You guys. You guys. You guys.

You guys. You guys. You guys. Oh, my.

god okay okay okay okay so um there's this guy you know and he's got these

legs and they're really weird you know but they're like kind of cool too and

they're not that weird um oh yeah and this family they're like they like come

there and their dog dies and everything and this other guy's from this painting

and he's got these hands on his dress and he's like all yeah we should kill

and but the wives are like no man We shouldn't kill his wife.

And he's like, yeah, we should kill them all. And they're like, no, no, man.

And then, oh, yeah. And then they all start fighting. It's like, whoa, dude.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Check out this light. Whoa.

Check out, oh, my hands. The hands of fate.

Whoa, dude.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. And now back to anus, the glands of taint.

I love this movie, man. I love this movie.

Hey, you got any more of those cookies?

Hey, dude.

You got any more of the cookies?

Dude.

Dude.

Master, what are you doing here?

You have failed us, Torgo.

This movie failed everyone. To the tomb.

My visits?

The women have told me.

They may not be able to say anything or move when you're there.

But they remember everything you say to them.

And everything you do to them.

But, master, you have six wives.

Why can't I have one for myself?

You are not one of us.

Therefore, you cannot have one of them.

Yes, but I have one now. This one is mine. You will never get her.

You have failed us, Torgo.

For this, you must die.

Fail you?

No. You have failed yourselves.

You'll never kill them. I'll help them.

You have failed, and you must die.

Am I dead?

Oh God, please, I'll do anything to get out of watching this.

Manos, god of primal darkness, as thou hast decreed, so have I done.

The hands of fate have doomed this man.

Thy will is done.

Michael?

Michael, where are you?

Oh, please, God, where is Michael?

Foolishness is this.

Manos must be served.

There you are.

She is the one.

She has upset all of our plans. This foolishness must stop.

There has been enough trouble.

Our purpose must be served.

There will be no further insolence.

But the child... We cannot kill a child. Yes, we can.

You have caused enough trouble.

As soon as we have disposed of Torgo, we shall take care of you.

Your power fails you.

I have no more fear.

Seize her and prepare her for sacrifice.

Well done, my wives.

The will of Manos shall be served.

It is the will of Manos that he be sacrificed.

Kill.

Kill. Kill.

Manos has decreed it.

Kill.

Margaret, open the door.

Margaret, open the door.

Enough. The ceremony is done.

I don't know either, but it sure is hilarious.

help anymore.

You're all finished.

You've said enough.

Your turn will come as soon as we have disposed of the others.

Go find the others.

Hurry, before the night slips away.

But the window, Mike.

I saw him at that window.

Okay, honey, we'll leave. We'll leave.

We've got to leave now. I can't stand it any longer. Please, Mike.

We'll hide in the desert. Someone will help.

The gods will destroy you.

Your power fails.

You cannot endure.

Neither can we.

Destroy?

The gods destroy me?

Destroy me.

I am permanent.

Manos has made me permanent.

Your power failed you.

You are losing your control.

Even Torgo defied you.

And he was destroyed even as you shall be.

Your power does not affect me anymore.

Even your other wives do not trust you.

See? I do not fear you. Even though you beat me. Beat me again. Beat.

Beat.

I

do

not fear you.

No, darling, we'll make it.

Let's go.

Nothing of that way. Let's go this way.

We've got to keep going.

They have gone.

They have left the house.

We have searched everywhere.

Find them.

They must not escape.

Find them.

No.

Enough talk. Who edited this movie? Oh, right. Nobody. It was M .O .E. Mid -Out

Editor.

Well, it's been 10 ,000 miles.

Save Debbie!

No, Maggie, we can make it. We'll rest here for a minute. We can make it.

Let's go back.

They'll never think of looking for us at the house. You know, you might have a

point there. Please, Mike, please. I can't go any farther.

Listen, we can lock ourselves in the kitchen. I have my gun.

We'll have to go back.

Okay. It might be the safest place, especially since they're out here

for us.

Gary, I'm scared. Where's my puppy?

Please, Debbie, not now!

Hello, there's a cult sacrificing people left and right, and these two numbnuts

are busy busting horny kids?

That sure sounded like shots.

We'd better check.

This hour of the night, there can't be anybody out here. This is the boondock.

Well, sound does travel a long way at night. It could be clear over in Mexico,

for that matter.

The hang of fate.

Hola. We bring you more movie macabre after this.

All right?

All right.

Welcome back to Movie Macabre's presentation of Geico, The Lowest Rate.

Let us examine the irony and juxtaposition of rational versus

thoughts.

Clearly, the symbolism resonates through the hand motif.

Five fingers, the middle one lengthily exposed.

The audience is left to interpret this message for itself.

What does the filmmaker say to the audience?

We sit in judgment.

Ew, I ain't sitting in judgment.

Oh my God, somebody give me a rag or something.

Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?

Focus. Focus.

Hey, look it. Thelma and Louise.

I bet the cops won't bust them if they start making out.

Vacations are fine, but this one should be great.

Yeah, the gang's coming up for the weekend. What a blast.

Hmm.

I am Michael.

I take care of the place while the master is away.

Forgetting you is a thing that I cannot do.

Yet I know it is very true.

I'm forgetting you.

Remembering nights together won't be again.

All our time had its happy end.

I'm forgetting you.

When I look,

this dream disappears.

I'm forgetting you.

Enough of this hoity -toity nonsense, man. I mean, this movie was the second

worst piece of crap I've ever had to sit through. I can't even imagine what the

first worst is.

You are all mad.

Yeah, you're damn right I'm mad.

I just sat through an hour and a half of this nonsense.

And I forced good, decent people to sit through it as well.

Okay, but I forced you to sit through it.

I unwittingly tricked this naive, open -minded audience into believing they

witness to high art. And all it did was make them feel high.

Which probably would have helped.

Well, I guess you're not buying the whole Elvira cookie thing.

Well, sorry, darling, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Anybody got any more of those cookies?

Okay, darling, until then, unpleasant dreams.