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(BARKING)

PEGGY: Pencil!

Pencil!

PEGGY: Bye, Pencil.

Bye.

(WHIMPERING)

(CHATTERING)

So much for my amazing self-control.

Hi, Brenda. Hey.

Is this a jelly? Yes, it is.

(EXCLAIMS)

They're really good.

ROBIN: Three million in sales. Almost three million. Around.

Let's round up. Let's just say three million.

7%. 10% is 300.

5% is 150. 7% should be

225, little under that.

About 215, around there.

This is definitely under...

It should be 7%. What is this?

But what a bonus. I mean, still...

Still nothing.

I mean, I know it's a lot of money to you, but, I mean...

But you don't have my degrees.

This isn't the only place I can work.

Right.

It's not about whether it's a lot of money or not,

it's about what's fair.

Jeff, he's always pushing to get as much as he can.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Hey, Jerry. Hi, Jerry.

Hey.

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

(WHISPERING) Well, it's gotta be some kind of mistake.

I mean, everyone knows how important you are to this company.

And you're here, like, 12 hours a day, at least.

You've been their number one seller.

Well, maybe not this year, but not that long ago.

The last thing they would want is to offend you, I am positive.

Then they need to start prioritizing people over money,

because otherwise you got a guy like me,

who is the bones of this place,

walkin' around feeling very gypped.

Very, very gypped.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

May I ask who's calling?

Oh, yes, that's extension 3250. I can transfer you.

(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

(BOTH MOANING)

Sit down.

Oh, babe, I can't.

We're meetin' some vendors over at Scarantino's.

Oh, lucky!

Bye.

Bye.

Don and I had a huge fight last night.

He started complaining about my nails.

Said it looks like I've been trying to crawl my way out of a well.

Great.

Oh.

And then I wanted to get a glass of wine,

you know, to calm my nerves,

so I went to the fridge, got a bottle out,

and I don't know what I was thinking,

but I pulled the cork out with my teeth

and chipped my freakin' front tooth.

It looks fine.

That's because I ran to the bathroom

and stuck it back on with Krazy Glue.

Can you imagine the insults if he saw me with a chipped tooth?

I gotta go to a dentist.

(INHALING)

Every time I do that, I can feel wind up my tooth.

And I'm scared to touch it with my tongue,

so I'm talkin' like I got a speech impediment.

I don't know, I think he makes me insecure.

Layla, come on, you're so beautiful.

And you're sweet and funny. You're a catch.

You shouldn't feel insecure. That's crazy talk.

I just think if we were engaged, I'd mellow out.

It's just, how many times

can you keep pointin' out rings in magazines and crap like that?

Mmm-hmm.

Smoked cod tip or the chicken quesadilla?

I feel the wind again.

DON: Hey, sexy lady. What's your name?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Come here. Let me check that out.

(GIGGLING)

(PEGGY AND ROBIN CHATTERING)

DON: Hey, sexy lady.

Come here. Get you over here.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

PIER: What is this?

Oh, just a little something that I got for Benjy.

BOTH: Oh.

You didn't have to do that!

Auntie got you a present. Benjy got a little present.

He loves presents. Can I open it?

Yeah.

BRET: Well, we're hoping that the allergies are under control.

He loves it!

I just wanna... It seems neurotic, but I just...

PIER: It's fine, honey.

I just do a little sniff test now,

because we've got to check for artificial fibers

because some of them will set those allergies right off.

Here, here. I want to get a picture with it.

God, this thing drives me crazy.

I want it. Okay.

Lissie, share that with your brother.

Share that with Benjy. Lissie?

PIER: (CHUCKLING) She just does not share.

As if the whole Halloween thing wasn't nightmare enough with

Benjy's asthma attack... It was crazy.

Last week we found out

that Norali...

Norali has been doping Benjy with Benadryl.

What? That's awful.

We don't have proof.

It's so obvious. Every time I would come home,

she would say, "He slept all afternoon," or what have you,

(BABBLING)

which is weird, 'cause with me he's practically spastic.

Energetic, very energetic boy.

I mean it in a sweet way.

But, uh, one time we came back, it was at night,

and he was... He was like comatose.

Yeah. I mean, he would not wake up. You know, it was...

It was terrifying.

And she had all these, like, red stains on her shirt.

So I went upstairs and I looked in the cabinet,

and the Benadryl was out, and it was, like, almost gone.

Gone!

I just went, "Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

"This woman has been drugging my son!"

I can't believe it. That's horrible. I mean, jeez.

We were really gonna do something.

But, I mean, this woman has two young children of her own.

So what are you gonna do? We need to do something!

What, throw her in jail?

Well... Hello.

I mean, maybe in some universe, or third world country, sorry,

that's, uh, what you do for a crying baby.

But I gotta tell you what, not here.

(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(PENCIL WHIMPERING)

Do you have to go tee-tee, Pencil?

Pencil!

Pencil!

Pencil!

Pencil!

Pencil!

Come on now, I mean it! Mommy's mad!

Pencil!

Oh, just stay out there.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Pencil!

(PENCIL WHIMPERING)

Pencil!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Yeah. Hi.

Listen, I am so sorry to bother you, but my dog is missing,

and I hear him crying, and I think he might be in your yard.

Would you mind if... Yeah. Come in.

Thank you.

Just go through the patio door.

Pencil!

Pencil!

(WHIMPERING)

I think I hear him over there, yeah.

Pencil!

Pencil!

(GASPS)

Pencil.

What happened?

(CRYING)

It's okay, Pencil. It's okay.

Just hold on. We're almost there.

Ma'am, I'll take him. Okay.

Oh.

Somebody come look at this dog now!

(SIGHS)

(SOBBING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Was he sick at all?

No.

What happened?

They said it was toxic poisoning.

He got into something. Ate something.

Boy...

This might be a good time for me to...

I was gonna wait till closer to Christmas,

but I think you deserve a little boost.

I would've liked to give you more,

but since it's a percentage of what they give me...

You deserve more,

but I'm still debating what to do about that.

PEGGY: I'm just so sad.

LAYLA: No, don't cry.

(SIGHS)

Oh, I have just the thing for this.

It's nothing. Just a Xanax.

You won't even notice, but it'll help calm you down.

No, I don't... I don't want that.

I know! Let's go see a crappy movie.

Let's go find the stupidest movie we can find.

A stupid funny movie, yeah?

I know. Let's go out tonight and get drunk.

Let's just get plastered.

You need to get laid. When was the last time you got laid?

Oh, it's been a long time, huh?

(SOBBING CONTINUES)

BRET: Ooh, I think we may have a dirty diaper.

Could you change that, Maria, before dinner? Thank you.

Why is Aunt Peggy here again?

Because she needs some cheering up.

Oh, honey, could you get me one of those serving dishes up top?

Yeah. Yeah.

So, two girls from Lissie's class

were sent home today with lice.

(EXCLAIMS)

I had to spend an hour fastidiously

combing through poor Lissie's hair.

Thank God, she's clean.

Yay, Lissie!

Why does Aunt Peggy need cheering up?

You know what, sweetie?

Because she's sad, honey. Okay?

She's sad. Yeah.

Why is she sad?

Because Pencil died today.

(BRET SIGHING)

Wow, that's a lot to process.

D-E-A-T-H.

It's natural, honey.

Oh, doesn't know what that means. I'd rather

just skip that one. Okay, okay.

We are gonna get ready for dinner!

Wash our hands. We'll be back.

Okay.

Peggy...

You know what? Maybe we should go to San Francisco.

See my sister and do some shopping.

That sounds like fun.

A little girls' weekend.

WOMAN ON TV: My husband was concerned

because it was $59.95, and that wasn't in the budget.

But when I told him I could save $20, twice...

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hey. Hey.

So, what happened with your dog?

He died.

Oh, nuts! Really?

(SIGHING)

I'm so sorry.

I had a dog when I was younger,

and when she died, I was devastated.

I was just destroyed by it,

so I'm really sorry.

It's so weird.

I feel like I should do somethin' for you. Bring you some food...

I'll be okay.

Can I take you out to dinner?

I mean, not tonight, but another night when you're up for it?

Maybe Thursday?

Oh, okay. Sure.

He seemed like a real sweet little dog.

Thank you.

Take care.

Peggy, that is great!

That is exactly what you should be doing.

You little vixen! Is he hot?

Um, no.

Do not let him take you to some place gross.

Because if you guys get married,

then you'll always remember your first date,

and you do not want it to be in some stank, beefy, BO burger place.

Go Italian. Go to Scarantino's.

Ooh, I am so excited!

It might not even be a date, Layla.

I mean, he might just be being nice.

No, no! I believe in fate. Don't you?

I believe that there is somebody on this planet for us all.

Even retarded cripple people get married.

You just have to be open.

So, hey, maybe your dog died so that your love life can live,

and you could find, um, what's-his-name.

Al. Al.

You could find Al.

Yes. Maybe this is all fate. This is all for the best.

I really think so.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

So I thought we'd go to Scarantino's. You ever been there?

That's so...

Um, no, I've never been there, but it sounds great.

Here, let me give you a hand.

Oh.

(DOG BARKING)

Let me get your door.

Buckle up.

(ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

His name was Pencil.

'Cause when I got him, he was thin as a pencil and, you know, he was brown.

Sounds really cute.

Also, he did the sweetest little thing with his paw.

He would wipe it on the floor back and forth,

like he was trying to write something to me.

He had a really unique personality.

Was he a water dog?

Not really.

So, you were saying you had a dog who died when you were young?

Tessie. I loved that dog.

I had her since she was a puppy. We did everything together.

She was my right hand bitch.

Sorry. I mean in a dog way of being a bitch.

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, she died way too young. She was only six.

(SIGHS)

Yeah.

How did she die?

I shot her in Wyoming.

You want some more wine?

Wait. What do you mean?

It was an accident. A hunting accident.

Oh.

I still feel terrible.

What were you hunting?

Huntin' moose. Mooses.

They got a lot of moose up there. Don't worry about it.

You ever been hunting? No.

It can be a rush.

But, you know, accidents do happen,

and, uh, you know, a gun is a very powerful weapon.

I learned that the hard way.

That's why I never keep guns in my house.

Well, that's good. Yeah.

Just knives. That's it.

Thank you. I had a nice time.

So, you ever been married?

No. No.

I mean, I was, um...

I had boyfriends, but I never, you know.

I guess I never...

That never happened, but...

You know, I think some people just aren't as, you know...

Um...

I don't even know what I'm saying.

Just, you know, whatever, you know. What are you gonna do?

And the whole dating thing is just kind of, yuck, no, thank you, so...

Yeah, so that's basically how I feel. Just, you know...

I don't know.

Just like that, I guess. But...

So you wanna get the tour?

Um...

AL: It can be a real addiction.

You know, some people spend all kinds of money traveling the world

just to find somethin' to shoot

that's new and hard to find, you know?

Like leopards, rare birds and...

And they have tours in Africa and Asia and India.

Even endangered species.

You know, so you can get one before they're all gone.

(SIGHS)

This was a lucky shot.

Isn't it a beauty?

And those are my knives.

Can I see your garage?

My garage?

Sure. Yeah, right through here.

(AL CHUCKLES)

Was this open the other night?

What?

This garage door was open, wasn't it,

the night that Pencil got sick?

Yeah. Could be.

What are you looking for?

Do you keep antifreeze in here?

Uh, yeah, I have.

I don't know if I have any now, but...

What about rat poison?

Uh, no.

Hmm.

No?

Why? You got a rat problem?

Are you lookin' for somethin'? Can I help you?

I like you.

What are you doing? Don't do that.

What? I was just... Stay away from me.

Don't do that. No, I was just...

Come on. I gotta go.

(SNIFFING)

(CRYING)

So, how was your date?

He's not my type.

Well, what is your type? Do you have a type?

I kind of have a lot of work to do right now.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

MAN: Is this Miss Spade? Yes.

Hi, Miss Spade. I'm Newt Erdrich at the SPCA L.A.

Uh-huh.

I'm a Client Services Manager.

I work in the adoption program to place animals

to prevent them from being euthanized by the city,

and I noticed that you were very upset about losing your dog.

And my instinct is that you're a very sensitive, caring pet owner,

and that is exactly the kind of people that we're looking for.

And, well, we have a dog here who needs a home.

And this dog, um, Valentine is his name,

um, has some behavioral issues,

and I just thought that maybe you might fall in love with him.

It's a shot in the dark here,

but I'm just desperate because I don't want to see him die.

But no pressure.

This is King. He's diabetic, unfortunately.

Aren't you? Big goof.

And this is Myrtle.

Myrtle!

She came in when I was first starting at the Center.

And who's this?

That's Buttons.

Oh, my God.

And of course, this is Valentine.

Now, I've kept him in the pen

because he still isn't playing well with others.

Easy.

I brought him home because, you know, he spoke to me.

And that happens sometimes.

But I can't keep him

'cause legally you're only allowed three pets.

Mmm.

Animals are like us, they live for love.

And if you have too many of them,

then there's not enough love to go around, right?

Valentine, say hello to your new mommy.

Listen, he's been abused,

so you're really gonna have to work with him.

Mmm-hmm. But look at his eyes.

There's an old soul in there, I think.

I just love him so much already.

Well, if you need help training him,

I do that part-time on the weekends.

Oh.

And my methods are very positive.

Okay.

It's about reward, it's not about punishment.

Good boy. You like that...

(GROWLING)

Down, Valentine! Down, Valentine!

Down! Down!

(SIGHING)

Peggy.

Layla!

(SQUEALING)

Oh, Layla!

I guess all my whining paid off.

Oh, my gosh!

I totally was not prepared.

We went to go see the new Spider-Man... Superman...

No, no, no! Spider-Man. Anyway, it was cute.

So then we went to Greenstein's Deli. Not romantic.

And he's actin' all weird and nervous,

and I'm like, "What is goin' on?"

And then, bam! He just pulls it out!

And I'm not even pregnant!

It's kind of a mellow engagement.

That's what Don's callin' it.

But we'll see.

Guess what? I have some good news, too.

Oh. What, what, what?

I got another dog.

It's a shelter dog, and his name's Valentine.

Peggy, how are you ever gonna find a boyfriend,

if you keep shackin' up with dogs?

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Do you have any soy milk?

I'm sorry, I don't.

(VALENTINE BARKING) That's okay. It's okay.

It's very political.

Because on the one hand you have the city,

and they want to terminate every animal they get their hands on.

Yeah, they just have a killing routine.

Wow. And I know for a fact,

that they have paper products stored in those cages.

I could write an expose. It would explode like a bomb.

And on the other hand, you have the animal activists,

who don't wanna see even one animal die.

And we come under criticism because we work with the city,

but there are 5,000 kittens that come through the system each year.

You can't save them all, right?

Wow. That must be so much pressure for you.

And I have nightmares, you know?

I had a nightmare last night

that I was being attacked

and raped by two bull mastiffs.

Oh.

Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? Stop caring?

Oh, no. I mean, you can't stop caring.

This is your passion.

Right. You know.

Makes sense to me.

You're right.

Good boy. Eyes to me.

Eyes to me. He knows.

And big ups. Big ups.

(VALENTINE BARKING)

No, no, no.

He needs to know he can't play that part.

...and I was literally at a loss...

(BARKING)

Valentine.

That's good. That's good.

You can just sign your name there.

You know, I've always had better relationships

with animals than people.

Mmm-hmm. I can relate.

Animals aren't petty, for one.

They don't backstab you.

So what about girlfriends and that sort of thing?

Oh, I don't know. That's very complicated.

I was raised in a very

culty...

Hmm. Adults being

very... No boundaries.

Mmm-hmm.

I just used to go off by myself...

And I always had this connection with animals.

And that's why I'm a vegan.

People say, "If you couldn't kill it, you shouldn't eat it."

And I could never kill an animal.

I understand.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

I'm so excited to be eating here.

There's a couple of things that are really amazing.

The seitan Sloppy Joe. The tempeh BLT is good.

Tofu chop.

One of everything.

No, not really.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I think, um, a veggie pizza.

What?

Nothing.

(DOG PANTING)

(VALENTINE BARKING)

Do you sleep with your dogs?

Guilty.

Three dogs? Yeah, it gets crowded.

King hogs the covers. Don't you, King?

Hmm?

(CHUCKLING) Wipe that grin off your face.

(GROWLING)

You know, it's really nice to finally meet someone who just...

I don't know, I think we have a lot in common.

And you've really opened my eyes to so many different...

I think you're great. Yeah?

Yeah. Definitely.

Well, thanks.

And you know what? What?

I'm gonna be a vegan.

Really? Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

I mean, after reading all those books, how can I not? Absolutely.

Well, I think that's great.

Yeah.

It's been a while since I...

I'm just...

Well, we don't have to do anything.

Oh. Okay.

MAN: Cupcakes!

WOMAN: These are diabolical.

I just had a croissandwich.

PEGGY: They're vegan.

They're what?

There's no milk, butter, or any animal product in them.

No animal was harmed in the making of those cupcakes.

Different.

No butter. That's weird.

Hey, Susan. You gotta try this. It's a vegan cupcake.

Thank you, but I'm fine.

Oh, come on, you gotta try it. It's delicious. There.

ROBIN: You know what happened, don't you?

They put me on the green team with Greg and Paul.

Two of the oldest guys in this division.

I feel like I've been put in with the dinosaurs.

What are you so happy about?

You know what I was just thinking, Robin?

And you're probably gonna hate this.

But you should adopt a dog.

What?

You need something to come home to. A little life in your house.

Something to love. And I have the perfect dog for you.

It's a Maltese-poodle mix. And I have a picture right here.

Peggy, no. Absolutely not.

I don't want a dog. Get your head in the game here.

I don't want a dog.

What are you doing?

Don't ever bring that up again.

Listen, I can't really talk right now

'cause my boss is getting a little aggravated.

But guess what? I got another one for you.

Yes, the receptionist wants the dachshund.

Isn't that great?

No, it's fun. I feel great about it.

I know, making a difference.

Yeah. But listen, I really should go. Yeah. I'll call you later.

Okay. Bye.

Peggy. What's goin' on?

Well,

I'm volunteering for this animal shelter

and I'm trying to get all these dogs adopted.

But Robin doesn't want me to be doing it during work,

so I'm just trying to keep it quiet.

Hey, but now that you and Don have moved in together,

you two should get a dog!

I have the sweetest Maltese. No, Peggy.

You have been runnin' around here

like Mary Pippin Poppins Sunshine or something.

Have you met somebody?

What do you mean?

Come on, don't bat your eyelashes at me!

Have you met someone?

(EXCLAIMS)

Come here! Come here!

Tell me everything! Have you slept together?

No.

Well, have you kissed?

Um...

You made out?

Well, kind of.

Peggy, you really like him, don't you?

He's a really nice person.

This is so exciting! Look at you!

I am liking this a lot.

(IN A SINGSONG VOICE) Peggy's got a man. Peggy's got a man.

Babe! We don't have this one.

(CHUCKLING) No, we don't.

There's pretty dramatic stuff in that one.

She's so sensitive. But you know what?

Maybe. Why not, huh? I think so.

Do you wanna say thank you to Aunt Peggy?

Thank you, Aunt Peggy.

You're welcome, sweetie.

I'm gonna go watch it!

Okay.

I feel so sorry for her.

She has missed so much school because of the lice.

She keeps getting re-exposed

because they can't coordinate with the parents.

The kids need to get deloused on the same one day.

We've been saying this from the beginning.

There's no leadership.

It's kind of tearing the first grade class apart.

The class? The community! There's a No Nit Policy!

It's a total meltdown.

But enough about that.

You're so sweet. You always bring presents for the kids.

Yeah. You really do.

You know, I was thinking, for Christmas, maybe a dog.

Yeah... I don't think that's such a good idea.

Benjy's still a little too young.

Well, we had a dog when we were little, Pier. Little Tippy.

Yeah...

You know, even a small dog, 'cause I thought,

you know, a hypoallergenic dog, maybe a toy poodle,

but, ooh, one bite for Benjy and that's his entire finger.

We just have enough going on over here as it is.

Oh, hey, stay for dinner!

You know, Maria made pasta with spicy sausage.

(PIER EXCLAIMS)

You know what, that's okay. I'm a vegan now so...

Actually, there are so many things that I can't eat.

Is that healthy, Peggy?

Oh, yeah, it's very healthy.

Actually, most people do it for health reasons,

but I'm doing it for animal reasons.

The corporate farming in America is awful. I read a book about it.

Oh, Peggy, you can buy free range, did you not know that?

And organic.

Yeah, but it's still, you know, murder.

Well, it'll be interesting to see how long that lasts.

Yep. Vegan.

It's nice to have a word that can describe you.

I've never had that before.

Come on, Valentine!

He knows. Up!

Good boy.

(VALENTINE BARKING)

Hey, how's it going?

Hi.

So, that dog can sure bark, huh?

(VALENTINE BARKING)

Yeah.

It's good to get him accustomed to being in the park

and seeing other dogs before we take him off the leash.

But you have to watch,

because sometimes they get more aggressive when they're on the leash.

Hey, Newt.

What?

I like you.

I like you, too.

Yeah, but...

Do you know what I mean? Like in...

Peggy, um...

I'm not able to be in a relationship.

I mean, with a woman.

Or a man.

Either, really.

I don't understand. You like men?

I'm celibate, basically, anyway, so that's beside the point.

But...

I hope I haven't misled you.

(BARKING) Whoa!

Cody! Come here!

NEWT: Valentine! Get down!

Valentine! No!

Valentine!

No! Get down! Valentine!

(BARKING CONTINUES)

I'm sorry. Get him away!

I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm so sorry.

Crazy. Valentine, no! No!

Come on! What are you doing?

NEWT: You know, I really do like you.

If you wanna find someone else to train Valentine,

I totally understand.

But he really needs someone that will build on my approach.

I've always been disappointed by people.

So...

I've really only been able to count on my pets.

I know it's pathetic, but...

Hey, it's not pathetic.

But it's enough.

It was enough last month and last week,

and it'll be enough next week.

Because of you, I've really been able

to acknowledge that part of my life in a deeper way, so...

So thank you.

And this just,

you know, confirms what I already know, so...

Hey.

Peggy. Valentine.

Come on.

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

Hmm.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

LAYLA: Christmas is gonna be nuts.

Oh, and I know you're gonna be bummed,

but Don didn't go for the dog idea.

He said it just didn't fit into our lifestyle.

Sorry. So how's the guy you're seeing?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Why? What happened?

Okay.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

(SIGHS)

That was a good meeting.

I mean, I know it's the meeting that you wanted to have,

and everything's clear now.

Greg, would you get Vince and Bob in here?

I wanna do a post-mortem to make sure we're on the same page.

Okay. Vince and Bob.

Robin, hi.

First of all, I'm on my lunch break, so this is my time.

I am not on the clock.

I've been doing some research,

and I've discovered this science lab in Maryland

that's doing animal testing. It's evil.

So I am collecting signatures for PETA to protest.

You gotta be kidding.

Would you sign it, please?

No.

How do you think we've made all the medical breakthroughs

that we've made?

That's how you figure stuff out, Peggy.

You test it on animals so people can live.

What they're doing is torture.

People don't test stuff on animals for fun.

They do it for a reason, for science,

and to help save lives.

And this isn't the forum for political signature gathering, okay?

This is a business.

Not in the office!

Sorry.

I mean, come on.

(INAUDIBLE)

What are we talking, like spring, summer, fall?

Don!

What? We're not thinkin' anything, babe.

We just got engaged. Relax.

We're young. What's the rush?

It's not like we're 40, right?

Anyway, I gotta go pee.

So, Layla says you don't want to get a dog.

Doesn't fit into your lifestyle.

I'm never home.

I think you should get a dog.

Yeah? Yeah.

It teaches responsibility.

Well, maybe I don't want to be responsible.

Might keep you out of trouble.

Yeah? How's that?

I don't know. You're getting married.

You could, you know, go home and walk the dog instead of...

I don't know, going to the mall and meeting other women,

at Victoria's Secret, say?

That line was too long. I'll just go later.

Peggy, get a sorbet or something. It's Christmas.

And Don and I are paying.

I'm okay.

(ROBIN CHATTERING)

LAYLA: Peggy.

Oh, my God, you scared me.

Guess what? Don and I got to talking after lunch,

and we've come around on the whole dog thing.

So when we get back from our trip, we're gonna take one.

A small one.

Are you happy?

Um...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very much so.

See, we're nesting already.

Oh, it's great.

Okay.

(SNARLING)

Ow!

Valentine!

(GROANING)

Get out! Out!

(VALENTINE BARKING)

(WINCING)

(WOMAN CHATTERING ON TV)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(DOOR OPENING)

Hi. Hi. Oh.

Look, I have a friend over,

and we're trying to watch a DVD and your dog is...

Do you think you could get him to quiet down?

You know what? I don't know.

Well, do you think you could at least bring him inside?

He's right under my window.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have poisoned Pencil.

Who? My other dog.

The one that died in your yard

after you left out whatever it was he got into that killed him.

Look, I did not poison your dog!

Well, he was poisoned.

Toxic poisoning, that's what the vet said.

Well, that's not my problem.

Well, now it is.

What is your deal?

(BARKING CONTINUES)

(SCOFFS)

Ooh.

It's a shawl.

I like it. Thank you, Bret.

It's from me, too. Oh, thank you, Pier.

It's so pretty.

And I got something really neat for all of you.

Oh, thank you.

There's one for everybody.

That's for you. Pier, you can open Benjy's.

Benjy!

PEGGY: I found this really great place online.

It's an animal sanctuary for discarded farm animals.

So I sponsored different animals for each of you.

And they actually name the animals after you.

They named a chicken Lissie after you, Lissie.

LISSIE: They did?

PEGGY: Yeah. Isn't that neat?

She was rescued from a slaughterhouse.

And now she's a very happy chicken

because you're sponsoring her.

When do I get her? Well, you don't.

But she's living a very nice life thanks to you.

But I want her here.

Well, you could go visit her.

She's only an hour away.

That would be fun, wouldn't it? To go visit your chicken?

That'll be fun.

You named chickens after us?

Well, there's actually a pig named after you.

(LAUGHING)

PIER: A pig. That's good. That's good.

I know it seems funny, but it's a really amazing organization.

I'm sure it is.

But it's not a joke.

It's really sweet, Peggy.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Pier, stop it!

And what kind of animal is Bret? Oh, yeah.

A cow.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

BRET: Stop it!

(PHONE RINGING)

Robin Heaton's office.

Yes, may I tell him who's calling?

Mmm-hmm.

Mr. Heaton is in a meeting in another city, actually.

But I know he really admires your organization,

which is why he made the donation, obviously.

Right. Yes.

But he is a very private person,

and I don't think he wants to be on any mailing lists.

Mmm-hmm.

Yes, anything you wanna send, you can send to me, okay?

I'm his assistant, Peggy. Right.

Peggy. Peggy.

Who was that?

Um...

That was just someone, you know,

asking about...

How was your Christmas?

Fine.

Asking about what?

What did you do?

Caught up on some stuff.

Please tell me you took the day off.

Well...

You know, I should've brought you with me to my brother's.

I can't find the number for Long, Green & Tessler.

Can you bring me their file, too?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, look at the puppy! I just love you!

I just love you!

(EXCLAIMING)

So cute!

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Christmas was great. Don's family loves me.

At least that's what he said.

They kept talkin' about all the girlfriends he had in high school,

which really started to piss me off.

It's like, "Do you have to go there?"

And, evidently,

he's still in touch with some of these girlfriends.

And I am not down with that at all.

I just don't wanna come off like a paranoid nag too soon.

(WHIMPERS)

Oh!

Peggy! He just peed on me!

This is my favorite sweat suit! Dang it!

Go on.

Thank you so much for doing this. I really appreciate it.

I hate leaving him,

but my brother doesn't allow dogs in his house, so...

One of those, huh?

Well...

I think I need to alter my approach with Valentine.

Maybe more firmer.

Okay. But you won't keep him in the pen the whole time though, right?

No. No, no. It's just till he acclimates.

Good. Okay.

And, um, maybe I can take you out for dinner after as a thank you?

Oh, please, it's not necessary.

No, I know, but I would really like to.

Okay. Good. That'd be great.

Okay. Good.

Happy New Year. Thank you. Happy New Year.

I'm gonna say bye to Valentine.

Bye, Valentine. Bye, Valentine.

Be good.

(BARKS)

Thanks again.

Where are you going? Where are you going?

BRET: Okay. PIER: We're gonna be late.

Come on, we gotta go. I'm ready, I'm ready! I heard you.

We're good. We're good. We've got everything.

Is that mink?

Oh, no, it's rabbit.

Um, you know, Peggy,

when I first bought it, the woman told me that it was faux,

'cause it kind of looks faux.

Do you think I'm horrible?

It's nice.

Okay.

PIER: If she likes it, we should go. We have to go.

Okay, let's go. Bye, guys. Bye, sweet boy. I love you. I love you, honey.

I'm gonna keep my kiss right here. See you later. Bye.

Bye, Mommy. Bye, Daddy.

Bye, guys!

Oh, listen. You know, I'm gonna call you every hour.

Don't worry!

Thank you. I love you! Bye, babies!

Okay.

(DOG BARKING)

LISSIE: Where are we going?

I thought we could go visit your chicken.

Do you wanna go see Chicken Lissie?

Yeah!

Did you see Babe, Lissie?

Yeah.

Well, did you like it? Yeah.

Well, we might see Babe today. A real Babe.

Can I pet it?

I think you can.

PEGGY: At the place we're going,

they rescue pigs like Babe and chickens like yours,

and they rescue goats and cows so they don't have to be killed and eaten.

Isn't that nice?

LISSIE: If the animals didn't get eaten, what would they do?

Um, well...

Come on in.

WOMAN: Lissie is over there. Yeah, that one.

She and a few of the others here,

fell off a truck on the way to a chicken farm about a mile up the road.

They fell out of a truck?

Yeah, and it's a good thing, too,

because they would've been somebody's lunch.

Before she came here,

Lissie had never touched the ground with her feet,

or felt the sun, or even spread her wings.

Isn't that sad?

It's just...

(SIGHS)

(CLUCKING)

(CATTLE MOOING)

(MOOING)

(HORSES NEIGHING)

Goodbye! Bye!

Wow.

(EXCLAIMS)

That woman is a saint.

And this place, this place is heaven!

This is heaven.

And there is a hell just one mile up the road, Lissie,

and we need to see it.

We need to see it.

Because there's a holocaust going on there right now.

They're slaughtering chickens up there right this second.

That's a reality, Lissie.

That's a reality, and we can't ignore it.

Life isn't like Babe.

Mmm-mmm.

You know, they show movies like Babe to kids,

but then they don't tell you what happens to Babe in real life.

But you need to know.

(BENJY CRYING)

LISSIE: I don't wanna go.

I don't wanna see them hurt the chickens.

I know, and I don't either, and we're not going to.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

It's okay. It's okay. Okay.

Let's go home. We're going home now.

REPORTER: And since everybody's looking up at that ball,

let's take a look at this year's addition.

It's made of Waterford crystal.

It weighs in at about 1,070 pounds

and is six feet in diameter.

It contains 696 lights

and 90 rotating pyramid mirrors, all computer controlled,

which enables the ball to produce a state-of-the-art light show.

It's designed to dazzle the eyes

with all kinds of colorful patterns.

Kind of like a spectacular kaleidoscope effect

on the top of One Times Square.

The theme of this year's design is "Forward with Harmony."

And everybody is waiting for that ball to drop.

Think about it.

Very, very soon it's gonna be a brand new year.

It's so exciting. You can hear the energy...

Unbelievable.

PEGGY: Lissie.

Lissie? Are you awake?

Hi.

Do you wanna go see the ball drop with Aunt Peggy?

You want to? Just the big girls, right? Come on, let's go.

It's almost New Year's.

Shh! Don't wake Benjy.

(SHUSHING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING) REPORTER: It really is exciting.

And now we're down to 12 seconds.

BOTH: 10, 9, 8,

7, 6, 5,

4, 3, 2, 1!

BOTH: Happy New Year!

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(WHOOPING)

Happy New Year!

There's our big celebration party out in Hollywood,

and there's the sidewalks of New York, teeming with people.

One group of people, all of them happy, smiling, laughing.

What do you think of these?

I think they're mean.

I think they're mean, too.

You're sweet.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(GROANS)

(WATER DRIPPING)

Thank you, sis. You're the best.

I hope it wasn't too boring.

We so appreciated a night away.

Really appreciate it.

What a hot night. Amazing night.

We needed it.

Ooh.

I'll, uh, call you tomorrow, okay?

Drive safe.

Bye.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SOBBING)

Newt?

Newt.

Valentine killed Buttons.

What?

It happened so fast. We were in the back,

and he...

Oh.

Newt, I'm so sorry.

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault!

Oh, my God.

It's a mess back there! Don't go back there!

I tried to call you, but I...

I don't know.

Poor Buttons.

(CONTINUES SOBBING)

I'm so sorry.

(MUMBLING)

Newt, where's Valentine?

The city came and picked him up.

What?

I told them to put him down.

You... You what?

It was the only thing to do, and I knew you couldn't do it,

so I took it out of your hands,

so you wouldn't have to carry the burden of making that decision.

What?

You have to put a dog like that down.

You...

I thought we could save him, but we couldn't!

You...

It was a mistake. He's not even supposed to be here.

It's okay. We'll find him.

While I'm looking him up, you can walk back.

All the animals that were brought in today are in this first hall.

Down there? Yeah.

(DOGS WHIMPERING)

Ma'am,

my records indicate the dog was involved in a mauling.

He was euthanized a few hours ago.

(DOGS BARKING)

This is terrible.

He shouldn't have died.

He shouldn't have died.

(SOBBING)

MAN: Come on! Come on, boy. Come on.

(WHINING)

Come on.

Come on, boy!

(GRUNTING) Come on!

Take it easy.

Excuse me, sir. Where are you taking that dog?

I want that dog.

What?

I want to adopt this dog right now, so just give me the dog.

You want this dog? Right now? Mmm-hmm.

I want this dog. Give me the dog.

Hold on.

Stay, boy.

(WHIMPERING)

Ma'am, you're gonna have to fill out some paperwork.

Yeah, fine. I want this dog,

and I want every single dog you're gonna euthanize tonight.

That's 15 dogs.

Fifteen. That's great.

Yes.

Ma'am, you can't adopt 15 dogs. The limit is three.

Well, I work for the ASPCA L.A.

I work for Newt Erdrich. He's a client services manager.

I happen to be in the adoption program,

and I will be taking all these dogs

and placing them in adoption situations,

so I think that should be fine, then, thank you.

Get me the dogs. Great.

(DOGS BARKING)

Come on, you two with me. You two with me. In the house.

Quiet! I will be right back!

Big dogs out. Come on. No, no, big dogs out.

Out, out, out, out, out.

No! Oh, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(DOGS BARKING)

(CLATTERING)

Here's some water for you.

Oh, good boys.

No fighting!

Mommy's gotta go to work. Mommy's gotta go to work.

Okay. Be good.

(DOGS BARKING)

Oh, no. Mommy's late. Mommy's late.

You be good. Be good. Be good.

Mommy's late for work.

Peggy! Robin's been looking for you for an hour.

He seems pretty agitated.

Where is he?

He's in a meeting now with Jeff.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. PIER: Hey, Peg?

Why didn't you tell us

you took Lissie to some animal farm and indoctrinated her?

Well, she wanted to see her chicken, Pier. I thought it would be nice.

No, it's not nice. She's traumatized.

Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way.

Traumatized, Peggy!

No, I don't think she's traumatized.

She will not even eat a ham sandwich now.

Well, what's so important about eating a ham sandwich, anyway?

If she doesn't want to eat it...

Peggy, you completely betrayed our trust!

The furs.

Yeah. And Bret can't find her furs.

What?

You think I stole her furs?

Peggy, where are they?

I have no idea!

Look, I have to go right now. I'm at work.

She hung up.

Hey, Peggy, Robin's looking for you.

What happened to you? You okay?

Peggy, I know you're gonna be disappointed,

but it's not workin' out with Snowball.

He keeps peein' all over the place

and chewin' up all the furniture.

And Don, he thinks that... Don?

Layla, do you understand that

that dog will be loyal to you his whole life?

Don's not even loyal to you now.

Don wants to keep it.

It's me.

What do you mean, he's not loyal to me?

What, Peggy? Say it.

Uh, I didn't mean anything.

I gotta go. Robin's looking for me.

(SIGHS)

So, I just got a call this morning

from a woman named Jocelyn Kleinhoffer.

She works for the Animal Action something.

She wanted to thank me for my generous contribution of $200

to help prevent the clubbing of baby seals in Canada.

I trusted you with the most valuable thing I have,

and you stole from me.

I thought we were on the same team, but...

I trusted you.

So what were you thinking?

Hmm?

You're fired.

Effective immediately.

(DOGS BARKING)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

I have not slept 10 minutes in a week!

How many dogs do you have in there?

They need a home.

Well, get 'em one, so I don't have to put up with this racket.

Not now!

And do you know how much this house stinks?

You know what? You're a jerk.

I'm telling you, you deal with this or I will.

WOMAN ON TV: * I get a kick

* Though it's clear to me

* You obviously don't adore me

* I get no kick in a plane

* Flying too high with some guy in the sky

* Is my idea of nothing to do *

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Peggy, it's Newt.

I haven't heard from you. Are you still mad at me?

No, I'm not mad.

(DOGS HOWLING)

What's all that noise?

My dogs.

Oh, you got new dogs? That's great.

Where did you get 'em?

From the pound.

You sound weird, Peggy.

Is everything all right?

I was just thinking, you know, just now,

my house is full of love.

I have too much love in my life.

I've never had that before.

(CHUCKLING) Come here.

Peggy? Peggy?

(PEGGY LAUGHING)

(DOGS BARKING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(REGISTER BEEPING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Uh-huh. Well, I want them back! I don't care!

Well, what are you gonna do with them?

Well, you know what, ma'am? That is not good enough!

I want a record of every one of those dogs,

and if even one of those dogs is hurt, I am hiring a lawyer!

Who called you?

Well, you know what? You don't have to tell me who called

because my neighbor called!

Can I have your name please, ma'am?

Can I...

Don't hang up on me!

(SLAMS DOWN PHONE)

Hello!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hello!

(GRUNTS)

(INAUDIBLE)

(SIGHS)

(BAIT SPILLING)

AL: You ever been huntin'?

It can be a rush.

You gotta be real quiet, so you can hear a twig snap.

After hours of waiting, sometimes,

up comes a moose

or a Rocky Mountain elk.

And there's nothing like the feeling like

something's gonna happen.

You know, but it don't know.

It's just another moment in its life,

but you know it's its last, its last moment.

And you're gonna take it.

AL: Yeah, so then

she started to hang out with that girl Linda and Kimmy.

You know, the one with that thing in her lip.

Oh, yeah, that piercing.

And they just had her partying like crazy.

Bad news.

So she left Jamie after that

and decided she wanted to be with Dale.

But Dale was in the military.

That's why she divorced him.

Then she got with Darryl. Half Japanese, by the way.

And then they had a kid.

Al. Hmm?

I think we've been robbed.

What? What do you mean?

I think you've been robbed!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

Are you crazy!

(SHRIEKING)

Call 911! PEGGY: Let go of me!

(SIRENS WAILING)

BRET: ... can stay downstairs.

This bedroom needs to be painted for her.

You know, something soothing.

(DOOR OPENING)

Oh, um...

Hey, Lissie sweetie, it's night-night time.

(SIGHS)

PIER: The lawyer thinks because she didn't actually hurt anybody,

it's gonna be all right.

And I talked to her boss for a long time.

He says, because of their years together,

that if she gets help and pays what she stole,

he's willing to give her job back.

(SIGHS)

Peggy, what were you thinking?

I just

wanted him to know what it felt like to...

What it felt like to what?

To be hunted.

Oh, Peggy.

We love you.

And we're so worried about you.

PIER: We're gonna get you the help you need. We're here for you.

Lissie.

I'm so sorry.

Why?

You love animals, don't you, Aunt Peggy?

Mmm-hmm.

So do I.

This one's mean and this one's nice.

(LIPS SMACKING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Oh, welcome back, Peggy.

There she is.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Here, Peggy. Welcome back.

You look so pretty.

I had a talk with Jeff.

He moved us to the orange team

with Brad and Denise.

I just think that's a better fit.

Denise is great with people, Brad's good with strategy,

and I'm the numbers guy.

(DOG BARKING)

Snowball! No!

(SNAPPING FINGERS)

You'll find this amusing.

Your friend Layla couldn't find anyone to take her dog,

so I took it. I don't know what came over me.

Momentary lapse of reason.

I hate leavin' him home all day,

so I sneak him in sometimes.

I don't really like the name, but he answers to it.

Okay, Snowball. Down. There you go.

Stay over there.

Anyway.

So where were we? Oh, yeah.

The orange team.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Hey. Guess what?

We finally have a date. June 21st.

That's great, Layla.

Yeah, it took a lot of work, that's for sure.

And I want you to be a bridesmaid.

You wanna go to lunch? Don has plans.

You know what? I can't. I have a lot to catch up on.

I understand. I'll talk to you later, okay?

PEGGY: If you all didn't think I was crazy,

I'm sure you will now.

How do I explain the things I've said and done?

How do I explain the person I've become?

I know I've disappointed everyone, and I'm sorry for that.

I wish I was a more articulate person.

I believe life is magical.

It is so precious.

And there are so many kinds of life in this life.

So many things to love.

The love for a husband or a wife,

a boyfriend or girlfriend.

The love for children.

The love for yourself.

And even material things.

This is my love. It is mine.

And it fills me and it defines me.

And it compels me on.

(I LOVE MY DOG PLAYING)

* I love my dog as much as I love you

* But you may fade

* My dog will always come through

* All he asks from me is the food to give him strength

* All he ever needs is love

* And that he knows he'll get

* So, I love my dog as much as I love you

* But you may fade

* My dog will always come through

* All the pay I need comes shining through his eyes

* I don't need no cold water

* To make me realize

* That I love my dog as much as I love you

* But you may fade

* My dog will always come through *

(HUMMING)

(LOSE YOURSELF IN NATURE AND FIND PEACE PLAYING)

* Lose yourself in nature and find peace

* Lose yourself in nature and find peace

* Troubles will come, troubles will release

* Lose yourself in nature and find peace

* In love, be happy, loyal and free

* In love, be happy, loyal and free

* You may have others, you may stay with me

* In love, be happy, loyal and free

* Chickens and children know it all

* Chickens and children know it all

* We may reach great heights

* But ever will we fall

* Chickens and children know it all

* God is not full of hate

* God is not full of hate

* Some may use him to defend their fearful ways

* But God is not full of hate

* Lose yourself in nature and find peace

* Lose yourself in nature and find peace

* Troubles will come, troubles will release

* Lose yourself in nature and find peace *