Original subtitles

Shinier than the Emmy, and a third less filling than the Golden Globes.

And speaking of Globes, without further ado, because we've used all the ado

already, please welcome your host, a nine -time Elvie nominee, but always a

loser, Elvira, Mistress of the... Ow! Ow!

Thank you, thank you. Oh, yes, it's so good to be here.

Thank you. Ladies and Dobermans, it is my great honor to be the one...

honoring these achievements in cinema this evening, we have reached deep into

the annals of movie history and pulled out something that has truly made an

impact. Ew.

It is the 1962 saga of pre -hysterical proportions, Eegah!

Sorry.

The 1962 pre -hysterical movie, Eegah!

starring the gigantic presence in film Richard Kyle.

Kyle? Keel? Oh, whatever.

Yes, that's right. The actor most famous for his role as Jaws in the James Bond

films actually began his work in the Stone Age as a caveman just trying to

his rocks off.

Eegah!

Watch this. I hear he knows how to make your bed rock.

Oh, gosh. Okay. This film is almost a musical as well.

which qualifies it for dozens of other awards, none of them prestigious.

But the music of Arch Hall Jr.

really brings the heart of these characters to life upon the screen.

Okay, it's very clear that the person writing this never saw this junk. So

just present the first award of the evening. The winner of the Best

Statue Award goes to... Aww.

the statue couldn't be here to accept the award tonight so instead i'll just

start the show

Hi, Roxy.

What are you doing in town?

I thought I was supposed to meet you up at the club.

Well, you still are.

I just bought myself a new swimming suit tonight.

Oh? Yes.

See?

That?

I'll get off work in ten minutes.

Follow me out, then.

Follow you?

Listen, I can change clothes and beat you out there.

No, literally.

He'll beat you out there. He's got the eyes of a serial killer.

That's my girl. Her father's Robert I. Miller.

Writes all those adventure books.

You ought to see her swim.

Hey!

Gee.

I sure am sorry, sir.

I guess I was thinking about having dinner with my girl.

She lives up at the club.

Why would you tell a complete stranger where your girlfriend lives?

No.

It's me, Tom!

Oh, Tommy!

What's the matter? What happened?

Is he gone?

Who? Is he?

I don't see anybody.

Just take it easy and tell me what happened.

I saw a giant!

He doesn't believe me.

You didn't really expect anyone to, did you, Miss Millet?

Why not? It's the truth.

Honey, a prehistoric monster is a rather large order to swallow.

Dad, I didn't say he was a monster.

He was a giant.

You know, a caveman.

Club and all, eh? Yes.

What my daughter saw, she saw.

Now let's just let it go at that.

Okay.

But if you see her giant again, let me know in time to take some pictures.

She will.

Dad, you don't believe me either.

Roxy, of course I believe you.

I believe you saw something.

Well, I saw a giant. What happened to what my daughter saw she saw?

How about it, Tom? What did you see?

Like I told you, Mr. Miller, I wasn't there until afterwards.

Tommy Nelson, I know what I saw.

Sure, Roxy, but I mean giants.

There were giants?

The Bible says so.

Yes, it does, in the book of Genesis.

Something about in those days, giants walked the earth.

Well, then, maybe we can get some flashlights and go out and take a look

ourselves.

Huh? No, this thing can wait until morning. Now, you kids go and take your

before the pool closes.

In the morning now.

It's a promise.

Dad still doesn't believe me. Sure he does.

And neither do you.

I swear on my Elvis Presley LP.

How big did you say he was? Oh, bigger than anybody you ever saw.

I bet you were scared, huh?

A little.

But I had the funniest feeling he wouldn't hurt me.

Yeah?

In fact, I thought he was kind of cute.

Oh!

Couldn't you have imagined the whole thing?

No.

Now, let's be realistic about this.

You said yourself that you fainted.

Isn't it possible that you dreamed this whole idea? No, Dad, I didn't. There was

a giant.

Now, I don't want to call this story of yours a lot of foolishness, and I

haven't so far, have I?

No. But if there were a giant, if anyone at all had been here... Mr. Miller,

come here!

What'd you find?

No, it sure looks like a footprint, though. Well, let me see.

Look, there's the heel, and there's the toe.

Look at the size of that.

It must have been made by... Say it.

A giant.

I'll find the big boy himself for you if you feel like that.

He left the road right here.

Watch out for snakes.

Better

go

back to the car.

No! He's my giant.

Holy cow, he was standing right here watching us.

And then he turned and took off for...

Do you suppose that's where he lives?

It's possible.

That would account for his never having been seen before.

It's too bad we didn't bring the doom buggy. Go after him. What for?

I ought to get some pictures.

Maybe even to bring him back.

A lot of people aren't going to believe this giant jazz.

No, we're not sending about this, you understand?

Why not?

After the way everyone laughed at me.

Your turn will come.

I'm going up on Shadow Mountain with a camera.

Are you gonna write a book about the giant, Mr. Miller?

That's the idea, Tom.

I'll take you up there. My dune buggy's all ready to go.

No, thanks.

It is. I just gave it to work.

There's no offense, Tom.

But I'd like to take this trip in something a little bit safer.

Oh, yeah, that thing's a hell of a lot safer.

I'll see you in about two days at the most.

Well, please take care of yourself.

Now, my credit cards are in the desk drawer. You make sure you leave them

This thing's supposed to be safer than my dune buggy?

Yeah, like I said that.

Too bad we're not giving out the award for the most obvious pop -up. I'd have

that one in the bag.

You know, I could have been somebody. I could have been a contender.

Or was that a first -time offender?

I don't know.

Stick around, there's more Eegah and the Elvie Awards right after this.

Welcome back, my long -suffering suck -ups. You know, it's hard to continually

find great movies to show here on Movie Macabre.

That's why I don't show any.

But once in a while we find a rare gem, a long -forgotten spectacle that is

quite the, you know, spectacle.

And we just have to honor it as much as we can. So our next Elvie Award in the

category for Best Performance of a Director of Photography goes to...

This guy.

Let me know in time to take some pictures.

What a stunning performance.

I'm still stunned.

I mean, that guy is so creep -tastic, he makes a caveman look like Paul Newman.

And don't you forget, I want you to meet me at the mouth of Deep Canyon tomorrow

at 4.

Whoa, I haven't seen a beard like that since Katie Holmes.

Allegedly!

No! No,

no. Oh, no.

No, no.

I love you.

Who the hell is Vicki? I thought his girl's name was Roxy.

No, I do.

My whole life has changed.

Though the first day we met was my last day.

Is that slide from the 20s? Because it looks old in the 60s.

I just called.

Do you know where Deep Canyon is?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure. I've been there lots of times. Why?

Don't worry, Mr. Kruger. I'll take care of it.

Yes.

Thanks for calling.

Goodbye.

What's up?

That was Mr.

Kruger from the airport.

The helicopter blew a gasket or something. He won't be able to pick Dad

At Deep Canyon?

Yes.

No problem. We'll get to doing buggy and we'll quiz right out there. We'll be

right back with more of the LV Awards on Movie Macabre.

We now return to the LV Awards on Movie Macabre.

There you are, Deep Canyon.

I don't see Dad anyplace.

Maybe we're early.

It's past 4 .30.

easy on that water. Well, I don't want it to dry out before Dad gets here.

And don't you eat anymore.

Okay.

It's nine o 'clock.

What do you suppose happened?

Oh, nothing happened.

He's not coming on a bus, you know.

Can't expect him to be right on the dot.

I know, but he should have made it before dark.

Don't worry about it.

He'll see the campfire and come walking in on us any minute now. That's what you

said, two hours ago.

Well, he will.

Well, if you believe that, what's the idea of the bedroll?

Look, I carry all this junk in the buggy anyway, so you might as well get some

use out of it. I'm not sleepy.

So, just lie down and take a rest for a while. I'll keep the fire going.

Hey, what are you doing with that?

I always carry a gun in the desert.

There's coyotes around the camp.

Put it away. We're not playing cowboy.

You know, there's mountain lions around here, too.

Well, they won't come near a fire, I know that much. And I'm not going to

you take a shot at something that turns out to be dead.

Okay, okay. I'll put it away in one condition. That's you crawl in and get

rest. Okay.

Valerie? What the heck happened to Vicki? And Roxy's right there.

This guy's a whore.

He likes it when he sings about other girls.

Now who's Valerie?

Well, now wouldn't you like to know?

suppose dad found the giant?

Or the giant found him?

Nah.

Giant probably just went up in the mountain.

Your dad wasn't going that far. I guess not.

Oh, it's my transistor.

Something's wrong with it. No kidding.

Yeah, sometimes a bump starts it off and you gotta... Hit it again to stop it.

Oh, I must have bumped it again.

You must have.

Hey.

Have you been at this?

We were saving for Dad.

What? The stew.

I didn't touch it.

Well, I sure didn't. And look at...

What'd you do that for?

Listen, if he comes back for that club, we'd want to be anywhere around here.

Yeah, well, I got news for you. The audience doesn't want to be anywhere

here either.

So, who knew this was going to be a musical?

You know, I bet Arch Hall Jr.

did. Want to know how I know?

The actor playing Roxy's dad, though credited as William Waters, is actually

Arch Hall Sr., and he also wrote and directed this shiny little example of

nepotism.

Well, I guess it's true. If you can't catch a break, make one.

Speaking of breaks, we'll be right back after this one.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you just missed so much fun stuff during the break.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Oh, man, I just hate it when live award shows do that, don't you? Like, you

know, like something totally awesome just happened during the commercial,

well, you just weren't in on the joke.

So, on to our next weiner, I mean winner, of the night.

In the category of most whiny actor, the nominees are Arch Hall, Jr.

as Tom.

Yeah, sometimes a bump starts it off and you gotta hit it again to stop it.

Marilyn Manning as Roxy.

Well, they won't come near a fire, I know that much. And I'm not gonna have

take a shot if something turns out to be dead.

Or Richard Kyle as Eegah.

And the LV goes to Marilyn Manning as Roxy.

This is whizzing? Yeah, sister, this whole movie is whizzing all over my

Well, he could have dropped it. Well, then why didn't he pick it up?

Well, it's broken. It's no good to him.

Oh, well, it's also insured.

Let's not kid ourselves.

Let's not jump... Boy, these guys really commit to their characters.

Let's see if the buggy can get through.

No, you better stay here.

No.

There's no use in both of us going. We've got to come back to the buggy

Well, then we'll come back. I'm not going to sit here doing nothing. Oh,

Look, you stay here with the buggy.

Nope. And drive it up to meet me when I give you the signal.

That'll save us both a trip. Come on.

Well, okay.

Ah, the gun. Toss it.

Give me a blast in that horn if you see anything.

Don't worry about that.

Um, did any of you out there hope he'd just shoot her?

I'm just saying.

Roxy.

Roxy.

Roxy?

Roxy! Dad!

Oh, Dad!

Oh. Oh, are you hurt?

I think my collarbone's broken.

Here, let me help you.

How did you get here?

Well, we came looking for you, and we're both so worried that we didn't know

what to do.

No, no.

No. No, no. No, no.

She's mine.

She's mine.

He understands you.

Oh, we've got a beautiful friendship going.

Take it easy.

Dad.

Don't do anything to scare him.

Me scare him?

Smile.

Smile.

He likes your perfume.

Smell all you want. Go ahead.

What became of the others?

What others?

Keep smiling.

You didn't come out here alone, did you? No.

Tom's with me.

I mean, he's out there someplace. Hold still. He's just curious.

Hold still.

Looking for lice, I believe.

Careful, honey. Take it easy.

He won't hurt you. He hurt you?

No. I did that myself when I fell on the camera.

Dad, I think you better break this up before I scream.

Tell him you're hungry.

I'm not.

Think of the alternative.

is relative.

They're dead.

Yes, apparently for some time.

Come on, Dad. Let's make a run for it. That won't work. The entrance is

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

But we'll think of something.

He's telling his family all about you.

He told them about me last night.

Think how lonely he must be.

I know whatever he is, he's a human being.

upset him. Okay.

Telling them he has guests for dinner.

How do you do?

Well,

that one looked like a very important ancestor.

Shake hands with him, Roxy.

I'm not having any trouble.

How are you feeling today?

Oh, that's fine.

Oh, look, he's showing her his bone.

Um, is that kosher?

If I had a nickel every time a Neanderthal offered to show me his

have a quarter by now.

Well, looks like Eegah is part of a long lineage of Hollywood families.

The Arquettes, the Baldwins, the Barrymores, the Douglases, the Bridges,

the Eegahs.

Lock high, them.

The heritage continues right after this.

Welcome back, darling. It's me, the squawk and the frock, sifting through

schlock, who still manages to rock.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. And speaking of rock, we've dug up the

remains of one of the worst movies ever made, Eegah.

And as we excavate this fossil, we are honoring it with the most coveted award

in Hollywood, the Elvie.

The next award for the category of Best Actor in a Nonverbal Role goes to

Richard Kyle as Eegah.

Richard would like to thank all the little people for this award.

Next to him, everyone's little... Let's get back to more of the salacious from

the Cretaceous when Iga continues.

A little coyote just sitting there. Just makes you want to just shoot him.

I can't eat any more of this.

Fake it.

That's what I've been doing. Now I'm getting sick.

Eegah.

Is that his name?

It might be. That's the word he says most of the time.

Eegah.

You're a gentleman, huh?

Thank you.

Well, here it is.

Let's see what you mean.

We'll be right back with more of the Elvie Awards on Movie Macabre.

We now return to the Elvie Awards on Movie Macabre.

If Egon makes me drink any more of this sulfur water, I'll die.

We've got to keep him busy. I know.

And it's not so bad, as a matter of fact. A little bitter.

But it seems to have a certain quality that's good for you.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the sulfur in these walls isn't what's...

Kept these giants alive all these years.

You mean these giants have always been here?

Where have you seen those before?

In that cave in France.

Exactly. Sure.

Same style, same everything.

Definitely prehistoric.

Yes, I'd say that he and his tribe have always been here.

Are there others?

No, he's the last one.

How can you be sure?

I took a good look at his family.

From the condition of the shrouds, I'd say the last one died 50 or 100 years

ago.

Two horny toads just doing it. Now we know what just happened.

Go see if the rock's in place.

It's gone. Now's our chance.

It's there.

What are we going to do?

What can I do?

Help me back.

I've got to sit down.

No, no.

Don't touch it.

It's got to be tied up or something, doesn't it?

There's some aspirin in my beer bag.

I don't see it. He brought it here. Must be around someplace.

Keep looking. You've probably hid it somewhere.

Give me the whole damn bottle.

Drink a lot of water. It'll give you strength.

It won't knit bones, honey.

It's got to be tied up with something, doesn't it? Oh, it feels pretty good

Liar. That's no way to talk to your father. I'd trouble you if I spoiled

You sure did.

Nothing. I'll just sit here.

How about if I washed your face?

Or gave you a shave?

It'll make you feel better. You've got all your junk here.

Aw, dead rabbits and flowers.

Gosh, I can't remember the last time a guy gave me dead rabbits and flowers.

Look, before he has a chance to block the entrance, I'll get his attention.

And leave you?

Do as I tell you. Not this time, Dad.

You were lucky last night. He's had time to think about you. I'm not going to

leave you to get your head bashed in.

My father didn't raise me that way.

on something else.

Make a production out of it. Tame, hum, whistle.

Come on.

from my sex appeal.

You're running out of whiskers.

Now I suppose he wants the shade.

Did that lizard just call for Roxy?

I'm gonna hit you with my perth!

says homo sapiens shouldn't have the right to marry just because they're all

hands doesn't mean they don't have a heart oh wow look at her mouth might

been saying no but her eyes were saying yes yes yes wise queen stick around

there's more reluctant sex when we return hello darling and welcome back to

movie macabre and the 38th annual lv awards tonight we're honoring a giant

story for all time

Oh, not King Kong.

The other giant love story, Eegah.

So to get you all up to speed, Roxy's cruising down Route 66, and out of

nowhere, the big old caveman club and all jumps into the road and gets her

all twisted.

She tells her boring blonde boy toy and her doctor daddy, who then go out to the

Bronson Caves looking for the big guy, and oh, does he find him.

Both daddy and Roxy get kidnapped by Eegah and are forced to sit down to a

prehistoric seder, at which point Eegah decides that Roxy was good enough to

settle down with.

See, Roxy was just into finding out if it was true what they say about Cro

-Magnon men. You know, about the size of their clubs.

But her heart still belongs to Tom.

Tom, who's wandering around the desert looking for Vicky or Valerie or any

girl he'd like to sing about except Roxy.

So, darling, let's get back to the rebel.

See you in a few.

Get out the van.

The dune buggy, just down the canyon. I can do it. Go on.

Uh, excuse me, the bag totally does not go with that outfit.

Tom! Cool it, Rafi. Everything's all right.

Dad! He's okay. He's waiting for us.

Hi, kid.

Dad!

Run, kids, run!

I rigged it so nobody could steal it. Out here?

Get in!

That way.

Everybody okay?

Honey? Just fine, Dad.

Wowee, there he is.

So long, High Pockets.

So long, High Pockets. Is that all you got for the guy that abducted your girl

and nearly raped her, ruining her for all men?

Well, we'll be back with more hateful backtalk.

we've come to the last word of the night.

And this one is the big one. The one you've all been waiting for. The one

that'll let you know it's almost over.

The nominee for best line of Tom's dialogue are... You ought to see her

Yeah, sometimes a bump starts it off and you gotta hit it again to stop it.

And... So long, high pockets.

Hey, who wrote this crap?

His dad?

Oh yeah, right, he did.

Okay. The best line of Tom's dialogue goes to, sometimes a bump sets it off

I have to hit it to stop it.

What? I can remember at least three occasions where I said the exact same

Awesome work, Tom. And here's your coveted LV.

Wow -dee -wow -wow.

Whoa, I wouldn't get too excited if I were you.

Hold on, second thought. Maybe you should, because with a singing voice

yours, this is probably the only award you're ever going to see.

And now. back to the exciting conclusion of EGOT.

And by exciting, I mean conclusion.

He's just wandering the desert trying to find himself.

Now, baby, I just had one. That's all. Just one, baby. That's all.

I've just had one.

One bottle.

Hey, baby.

You've had enough.

No, I've had enough. Enough of this movie. Enough?

You do me a great injustice.

The key I've had enough

Roxy!

I'm ready, Dad.

Well, I'm not.

You're going to have to help me.

I can't manage the time.

Here, I'll do it.

Does it have to be this one?

Young lady, that happens to be one of my favorite ties.

But the color.

You gave it to me four years ago.

Why,

it's lovely.

Are you sure you're feeling well enough to go out tonight?

Honey, we've got to go out.

Well, it's not anything special. It's just a party. Your whole gang will be

there. Yeah.

You can't avoid them forever.

No. Will some of them laugh a little?

Well, if I know Agnes Henderson, she'll laugh a lot.

What'll happen to him?

I don't know.

But I'm certain we're doing the right thing.

If we were to reveal that a giant actually exists, there'd be a whole army

there tracking him down like an animal.

No, they wouldn't. We wouldn't let them.

Honey, he's from another age, another eon.

Come in.

Hello, Mr. Miller. Hello, Tom.

Howdy, wow, wow!

You sure look swell, Roxy.

Thank you.

I'll only be a minute.

Is something wrong, Mr. Miller?

We're just talking about our little adventure.

Oh, I see.

You do?

Well, sure.

A girl like Roxy don't get over a thing like that right away.

Doesn't? That's what I say.

She's got to get her mind off it.

And this hop tonight will help.

Hop? Yeah, my combo's going to be there. Man, they swing.

So I understand.

I'm ready.

Well, let's split then.

Uh, Mr. Miller, I got my dad's wheels tonight.

Really? Do they fit on your car?

You're funny, Mr. Miller.

Real funny.

You're funny, Tom. Real funny.

I think he meant with a phone.

Hey, wait a minute, friend.

What is this, a masquerade?

That is Miller's giant dog.

Oh, come on, you can talk plainer than that. Look out, Mr. Cushman, he's real.

What did he say?

He's real.

Of course, he's real.

We now return to the LV Awards on Movie Macabre.

Now, do you need an arm and a sling for a broken collarbone?

I

don't

blame you in the least.

Oh, you do.

Like nobody lives there, Diggs.

No, I don't. I agree with you 100%. But perhaps we should be a little more

discreet about it. What on earth are you talking about?

Getting as far away as possible from that music. It's a good idea, but we're

guests here.

No, the music's wonderful.

I could listen to Tom sing by the hour.

And you have.

I just wanted some fresh air, that's all.

Is it, honey?

No.

Dad, I've got the funniest feeling.

What is it?

I can't describe it. But I just know something's happened to him.

Him? Iga.

The giant.

Or whatever he is.

Something's happened to him.

Roxy, look at me.

I love you very much.

You're more like your mother every day.

Every living thing was her personal concern, and she worried about them.

That's just it, Dad.

But you see, worry isn't a feeling that I have.

I don't know what it is.

He's a creature.

Well, you just have to look at him to see that.

He even tried to kill us.

But yet... You can't get him out of your body.

Once you go eager, you can never go bigger.

If I can hold on to you that long, then it'll be up to somebody else.

Maybe him, huh?

Hey!

Where you been?

I was belting out a tune just for you in there. I look up and you're gone.

We can hear every word, Tom. I said here, not understand.

You're funny, Mr. Miller.

Really funny.

Come on, Roxy, let's dance.

Wait a minute.

What's the matter?

I thought I heard sirens. Oh, that's Dino's sax. It leaks.

If I didn't know they were dancing, I'd swear this was a fight. What?

I say it looks like a fight.

My boy is a good dancer.

I'm going to dick you.

Knock it off. She's my girl.

Remember, I love you.

Where did he come from? Is he real?

Who is he?

Yes, he was real.

It says so in the book of Genesis.

There were giants in the earth in those days.

Chapter 4, verse 32.

Now this movie is a big black spot on film history.

Ladies and gentlemen, and the other way around, thank you so much for spending

the night with me.

Just leave the money on the dresser.

Well, we managed to pass out six awards for the same film, and I almost managed

to make it through without passing out.

We managed to get an hour of sparkling entertainment and stretch it out to

almost two hours.

And we saw stars, mainly because we were drunk.

We heard music, also mainly because we were drunk.

Then we swooned to the love story of a Neanderthal and his mate.

I wish I were still drunk for that.

I can't thank you enough for spending your time with us, even though I realize

that no matter how many times I say thank you, it will never make up for you

losing those two hours of your life.

But on the upside, Ego walks away with six coveted Elvie Awards and a place in

movie history.

And I just walk away.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot.

Unpleasent green.

They bring in the day and the winds have made you shiver.

They dance and they sing till the wild ones ring and the noise goes down to the

river.

You see, nobody lives on the Brownsville Road.

They grin and they rave of the cold, cold rain, and they do their razzle

Their neck bones click as they swing their kicks. I rock on to the

Jazz.