Original subtitles

Hello, you insatiable insomniac, you. It is I, Elvira Mistress of the Dark, the

gal who put the sin in syndication.

And I am here with another gruesome edition of Movie Macabre.

Now, you know, back when I was starting this gig, an ageless beauty bursting out

of a tight black dress was enough to draw millions of viewers every week. Of

course, that was back when my only competition was a test pattern.

But the landscape had drastically changed.

Well, I mean...

Not this landscape.

That television landscape. There are literally hundreds of cable channels of

late -night programming for you to choose from. I mean, some are showing

sorts of soft, coarse leads at this very moment.

Wait, wait, wait. Don't touch that dial.

Why? Do TVs still have dials?

Anyway, then there's my century - I mean, decade -long rivalry with a

weekend sketch comedy show.

I'll be damned if I wouldn't drop this gig in a hot second if they asked me to

host it. I mean, what does Betty White have that I don't? Only lower.

Well, it's pretty obvious America's sweetheart sold her soul to the dude

downstairs in exchange for her big comeback.

But then so did I.

Twice. I had to refinance.

The point is I've got affiliates crawling up my... I mean, breathing down

Next, to make Movie Macabre compete with all those guys.

I mean, comedy sketches, musical acts, big -time celebrity guests.

Yeah, right, like that's going to happen on $1 .49 they give me to make this

show. But, you know, I am a pleaser.

Camille! How many freaking times do I have to tell you the mustard goes on the

bottom?

So, I put on my thinking cap and came up with a perfect solution.

Tonight, Movie Macabre is... Going somewhere I swore I would never go.

Outside. That's right. We're taking a big tour of my fair city.

There's going to be graveyard bingo, shopping at the local thrift stores, a

visit to my favorite Greek bakery.

The old lady behind the counter always holds up a crucifix and spits at me, but

the baklava is worth it.

It'll be so much fun. A day out. The crew's already waiting on location.

Just let me put on my face.

A thank you gift from my dermatologist, Dr. Lecter.

What do you think? Is it too much?

What is that?

Oh, my God.

It's my pet spider, Fangs. Hello, baby.

Yeah, there's a jar of flies in the fridge for you if you're hungry.

You know, go in there and help yourself. Yeah, that'd be good.

Fangs, what's the matter? You're acting so weird.

There's something different about him. His eyes are all bloodshot, and he's

hairier, like Jeremy Pivens or something.

Here, honey, just get in there and relax.

You okay?

Ow!

Blood on my boobs!

Note to self. Possible memoir title.

Oh, my God. This is not Fang.

Look, he's marked with a blue diamond.

Fang says a little Chanel logo.

He's fancy that way.

Okay, I'm just... Oh, whoa.

Whoa, dude. Okay, suddenly I do not feel so hot.

Okay, let's just put a pin in that field trip for now and watch a movie, okay,

until I'm getting back to abnormal.

Okay, tonight's feature is Tormented, and it's about some jazz player who

out in a lighthouse and is haunted by a woman's floating head.

Wait a minute, am I hallucinating already?

That sounds too terrible to be true.

Spider venom must be playing tricks on my mind.

Nope, that's the plot.

Enjoy!

I once loved this island.

This is where I found peace and quiet.

The peace of waves forever breaking on the shore.

The quiet of tranquil moonlight on the sea.

When the night wind rises and the fingers of the fog steal in, they say

hear voices.

They say it's the dead growing restless and calling to the living.

I never believed it until that evening by came looking for me.

But you always knew that marriage was out.

I never lied to you.

But I only thought that... Look, Vi.

Whatever you thought is your business. But it's all over. It's finished.

You should never have come here and you'll be doing yourself a favor if you

the first boat back.

I can't go back without you.

Will you come back with me, Tom?

Just tell me you changed your mind.

Nobody even knows I'm on the island. I chartered a private boat over.

I won't even go back to the club. I'll quit right now.

Vi, will you for heaven's sakes realize when a good thing is over?

A second -rate singer like me doesn't fit in the picture anymore.

I hear she's quite young and has money, too.

Fine. Please understand, I'm in love with her.

I need you, Tom.

No one will ever love you more than I do.

I'm sorry, I... I'm sorry for everything.

Good night, fine.

I still have your letter.

I've never been in a lighthouse before.

Show me the light, darling.

What about the letters, Bonnie?

Oh, I never throw anything like that away.

You never know when they might come in handy.

I wonder how she'd feel if I read them to her.

Putting in pertinent footnotes, of course.

Or maybe I ought to show them to a lawyer.

I'm sure he'd know what to do with them.

How would a lawsuit fit in with your music career, Tom?

How would the piano genius of jazz feel about that kind of publicity?

Darling, you look as if you were ready to kill me.

Now you get this straight.

I'm marrying me.

And you get this straight, Tom Stewart.

No one will ever have you but me.

It's a little late to rescue her, if that's your plan.

Sandy. What are you doing?

Sandy, look, do me a favor, will you?

Run out and play somewhere. I'm busy.

Don't you like me anymore?

Sure, I like you. I love you.

I just want to be by myself.

into that.

Nick was looking all over for you.

Sandy, please run along.

me seaweed i know what's the matter with me i'm seeing things i'm letting my

imagination run wild my conscience no why should it bother me i didn't do

anything to buy i didn't kill her it's her own fault she's dead

Killer always returns to the scene of the crime, but he usually doesn't show

much leg.

She came out here of her own accord.

She leaned against the railing. She fell.

It wasn't my fault if it gave way.

Why should I be blamed? I had nothing to do with it.

Anyway, nobody ever needs to know.

Nobody will even connect me with her.

Why should they?

Except for this watch of hers.

All right, bye.

That's the end of you.

wasn't expecting anyone.

What are you doing up here?

Looking for you.

What are you doing up here in this old White House?

Well, at least it's quiet. I wanted to think.

I guess I'm worried about that Carnegie Hall thing next month.

I wonder if I'm good enough.

Of course you're good enough.

You're the best jazz pianist in the world.

I've never loved anyone before in my life.

Nor did I.

No perfume.

It is perfume, our page.

It's cold and gloomy in here.

It gives me the creeps having that big lap staring at us.

I haven't liked it up here since the light stopped working.

Well, after going to tear it down.

Well, let's go outside to the sun's warmest.

Nothing like breathing that ocean air and terrible dialogue to get you feeling

better. You know, I'm feeling much, much better after that poisonous spider bit

me. So we can just turn this seaside suck vest off and go for our field day.

Ah! Oh, oh, oh. Oh, that is weird. I cannot feel my right foot. Oh, I must

fallen asleep or something.

I can't say that I blame your foot. This movie isn't exactly cinematic Red Bull.

Oh, wait, wait. That's weird. Okay.

Now I can't feel my cab.

Oh, my God. My whole lower half is going numb.

And believe me, that has never happened.

What the hell kind of spider was that anyway?

Well, let's take a quick commercial break and don't go anywhere.

No, I sure can't.

Oh, welcome back, everyone.

Elvira here, your fave babe from beyond the grave. And if you're just tuning in,

I am having one of those completely paralyzed from the waist down because

spider bit me nice.

Don't you just hate when that happens?

Yep, this time I am literally trapped on this couch with nothing to do but just

watch terrible horror movies.

I wonder what kind of creepy critter sunk his fangs into me anyway.

Good thing I always keep my bug Bible within reach.

Okay, let's see.

Spiders, spiders, spiders.

Oh, here, here, okay.

Here we go. Alpha Romeo, Black Widows, Broadway Disasters, blue.

Oh, here it is. Here it is. The blue chloe.

Okay, that little bugger was a blue chloe.

Blue chloe is a rare and extremely deadly spider found only in the jungles

Malaysia.

How in the hell did that make it into my dingy basement?

Oh, I know. I know. It must have hitched a ride with my special delivery from

Hemoglobin Harry's.

Ah, yeah. Is this 1 -800 -BLOOD for you?

for 10 units of AB negative.

Oh great, now what am I gonna do?

Okay, okay, don't panic, Elvira.

Maybe this is a good thing.

Maybe my DNA will mingle with the spider venom and give me superpowers.

Oh well, it was worth a shot.

Let's see, the venom first travels to the toes and then works its way up the

body through the central nervous system.

The last moments before inevitable death are accompanied by incredible shriek

-inducing, pants -sweating pain.

What? No, I am doomed.

Luckily, there is an antidote.

Hooray, I'm saved.

For the formula, send a self -addressed stamped envelope and ten food stamps to

P .O. Box 219 Bloomfield, New York.

Great, my life is in the hands of the U .S. Postal Service.

Well, darling, it's been nice knowing you.

And to add insult to injury, the last thing these eyes will ever see is

and possibly the worst movie of all time.

Or maybe not.

I don't know. I'll be dead.

They're sending me down tomorrow.

Oh, you're going to love it, Tom.

Are you supposed to see about a tie for dad?

The whole thing's over with, won't you?

It'll only be a week more.

We can't wait that long, can we?

Did you know that if you put this movie up to your ear you can hear the ocean?

on me. Just go away with me right now.

I told you that's impossible.

I don't have my mother and father to think of as well as you.

Then I'll have to go by myself.

What about the wedding?

What about it, Meg?

If you go, there won't be one.

greatest of all magic accomplishments ever performed on this island.

The secret cabinet.

As you will please notice, the cabinet is empty.

Tom, Tom, you're not paying any attention.

Don't you want to see the secret cabinet?

Oh, sure I do. I wouldn't miss it. Go ahead.

If I close the doors to the magic cabinet and say the magic word and tap

my magic wand, abracadabra, we no longer have an empty cabinet.

Filled with jelly beans.

Tom Stewart.

Fine one you are.

Oh, Sandy.

Sandy, if you hate me for the rest of your life, I deserve it. I couldn't hate

you no matter what you did.

No matter what I did?

No matter what.

Even like fighting with your sister? Meg's mad at me, you know.

She'll get over it. But if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me.

Stop your magic stuff.

In my heart,

lonely heart,

I'm to blame.

Empty Arms

some flowers.

Is something the matter, Tom?

What makes you say that?

You sound upset.

Perhaps I'd better check you another time. Oh, no.

No, Mrs. Ellis.

Oh, come here and sit down.

Thank you for the flowers. They're lovely.

Sit down right here.

Mrs. Ellis, I want to ask you something.

Sounds kind of silly, but...

Would you believe that the spirits of the dead can come back to haunt the

living? Do you believe in ghosts?

What makes you ask a thing like that?

You haven't answered, Mrs. Ellis.

Nobody believes in ghosts nowadays.

Who do you?

If anybody was to ask me seriously, I would have to say no.

Of course, a real estate agent runs into many strange things in an empty house

sometimes.

What kind of things?

Well... There was a family named Samuels. They lived in that last house

beach.

One day, their little boy took his dog and went fishing.

They never came back, and nobody knows what happened to them.

After the Samuels moved away, I signed three tenants during that first month,

but not one of them would stay more than a few days.

Yeah, yeah, I know that story, but that doesn't prove anything.

They complained about an unseen dog whining and scratching at the door. But

wasn't what made them break their lease.

It was the cold up in the boys' room.

You could feel it in your bones.

A deathly cold.

The walls were always damp and stained with seawater.

Whatever caused it, the thing came back every night.

Did you ever see it, Mrs. Ellis?

It's been many years since I've seen anything.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. I keep forgetting. Did anybody see it?

People say they found wet seaweed on the boy's bed.

Well, but you can't call wet seaweed a ghost, can you?

Tom, what's wrong?

Why do you ask that?

You're running away from something.

Well, Tom?

Well, something I...

exist myself.

If it does exist, you can't solve anything by running.

Then, on the other hand, if it doesn't exist, there's nothing to run from.

You're a very wise woman, Miss Ellis.

Thanks for talking with me.

Oh, and thanks for the flowers.

They're beautiful.

Come back soon.

Sorry, folks. I got distracted by some paint over there. It's just fascinating

watching it dry.

Could this movie be any slower?

I mean, sure, wedding plans and real estate stories give me nightmares, but

not exactly the stuff of classic horror.

And that ghost lady.

Hello. What an amateur.

Darling, look at this. You were ready to kill me.

Well, come on. You're not exactly bringing your A -game here.

Oh, boy. If I were in her ghost shoes, I would start by possessing that little

girl. I mean, we'd have her head spinning, projectile vomiting, maybe an

on her mother's dating life in hell.

Instead, we're getting spooky footprints and the smell of perfume.

God, talk about wasted opportunities.

Oh, well, maybe it'll pick up in the next act. We're going to take a teeny

-weeny little break here, but more of Bell Barber's movie Macabre when we

return.

Leave me alone.

can exist.

You're a shadow, perhaps.

Light, perhaps.

Nothing more.

But, Clyde, just in case you can hear me, I've come to tell you this.

I'm not going to pay any attention to you anymore.

I'm going to live my life right here.

I'm going to stop running.

I'm going to marry Meg, Vi.

I'm going to marry Meg.

Okay, already we heard you. You're going to marry Meg.

That's all I came to say.

It's going to be just as though you never existed.

Just in case you can hear me, bye.

Good night.

And goodbye.

Meg for me.

Tell her how sorry I am.

Okay.

You tell her I behaved like a little boy and I'm ashamed of myself.

I'll tell her.

She didn't call anything off.

She didn't?

Uh -uh.

Guess she's ready to make up.

Just like grown -ups.

Are you all ready?

Yeah, I'm all ready.

You got the ring and everything?

Mm -hmm.

You're lucky.

Can I try it on?

Sure.

What I really want is one of my own.

Well, you might be just a little bit young.

I know.

Dear little Sandy, she's just a child.

Why, do you know how old I am? I'm practically nine.

Why, in China and Borneo and India and places like that, girls already have

husbands at my age.

I'd get married tomorrow.

Someone like you.

Can't I please try the ring?

Why, just put it on your finger.

But what am I thinking? The ring.

I don't have the ring.

the ring later.

You run along now, Sandy. I've got to finish my practice.

Goodbye, Sandy. I'll see you later.

All right, bye.

I know now you've come back.

But it won't do you any good.

Because I'm going to marry Meg.

Hello,

my diabolical darling, and welcome back to Movie Macabre, otherwise known as

Survivor, Elvira Edition.

Now, if you're just tuning in, a poisonous spider has sunk its fangs into

rack, and now I'm paralyzed and going to die.

Things couldn't possibly get any worse.

My God, what's that? Oh, my God. Oh, great.

My left boob is twice the size of the right one. Oh, my God, there's supposed

be a matching set. My corpse will be totally lopsided.

Oh, my God, couldn't I suck any harder? I'm paralyzed, I'm dying, I'm

asymmetrical, and I'm completely alone.

Is that the most depressing thing you've ever heard?

Bobby?

Wait one spider -biting second here. I'm not alone.

Bobby, the camera guy is here.

Bobby, help. Help me!

Bobby! Bobby!

Oh, crap.

That spider must have gotten him, too.

He looked as stiff as a board.

Oh, everywhere.

Wait until the pharmaceutical companies find out about this one.

Diagra. Cures erectile dysfunction for life.

Side effects may include drowsiness, hallucinations, and rigor mortis.

Hey, for some guys, it could be worth it.

Oh, well, I guess it's time to get back to our feature presentation, if you can

call it that.

When we last left our hero, he was being tormented by a pesky crawling hand.

Same thing's happened to me a million times before.

Shut up. Raiding ant roach killer usually does the trick.

There's no more questions.

You know what's wrong with you? What? You've been working too hard, getting

ready for your concert.

You've had a lonely life here on the island with all your musician friends.

been getting you down.

But I think of all that once we're married.

Maybe you better tell your mother that the wedding's on again.

I never told her it was off.

You're pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?

You know, the first thing you're going to do is have a long vacation.

A whole month honeymoon in Europe.

Uh -uh.

You know how many hit records I'd have to sell to pay for that?

Dad's footing the bill.

It's his wedding present to us. He wanted to tell you himself, but he won't

here till right before the wedding.

And when we get back, I'm going to have a big party so I can get to know all

your friends.

Big party? We'll be living in a three -room apartment.

Mother and Daddy won't mind if we use their house in Bel Air.

They know that I'm getting married. It's too big for them anyway, so they'll be

turning it over to us for good one of these days.

Are you trying to spoil me?

There's nothing I'd like better.

Come on up to the house a minute. I want you to see something.

What? My wedding gown.

Isn't that supposed to be bad luck?

You're not superstitious about things like that, are you?

No.

I'm not superstitious.

My garden's full of roses this month, and it seemed about time to bring you

fresh ones, so... Hi!

Hello. Well, hello, stranger.

Where have you been keeping yourself, lady? Some beautiful gifts have arrived

and you haven't seen any of them. Hey, look at this.

But you're a dear anyway.

Champagne. It's your drink.

Look,

another one.

Oh, there's my girl.

Hi, pal.

Hi. Is everything made up with you and Meg?

Another pair.

People must think newlyweds live on lettuce by candlelight. This makes nine

pairs of candlesticks and twelve salad bowls, and more coming every time the

mail boat arrives.

Meg got her wedding gown today, and Tom, it's simply a dream.

What a bride goes through to make herself attractive for you men.

It took three fittings to get the bodice right, and three layers of mesh to make

the skirt full enough.

Well, hardly seems worth it. After all, I'm only marrying her, so you'll be my

mother -in -law.

Sandy, see if there's a window open. There's a cold draft all of a sudden.

What's that sweet smell?

Must be the fresh roses.

My roses never smelled like that.

It's a woman's perfume.

Help me make room for these, dear.

In my day, it wasn't candlesticks, it was teaspoons.

Mr. Hubbard and I received no less than 78 of them when we were married.

Maybe that's a reason for his attitude.

When he went back to the main home, he said he was going to go right to the

office and stay there until the wedding.

I'm sure you'll never treat your wife like that, will you, Tom?

Oh, will you?

He isn't here, Mother.

Where is he?

I think Mets took him to look at her dress.

What is it?

What did she find?

Seaweed.

Oh, how about that spooky seaweed?

Hey, don't laugh.

I mean, seaweed was still a big mystery in 1959.

I mean, it's a weed that comes from the sea.

I still don't really understand it.

Wow, it sucks it ended up on her wedding dress, though. But there is a lot about

this movie that sucks.

At least there's one bright spot.

It's time for a commercial break. Stick around for more hokey, haunting

happening when we return.

Welcome back, darling.

Now, tell me the truth. Did you come back for the movie or to see if I was

alive?

The good news is I didn't kick the bucket yet. The bad news is I couldn't

anything if I tried. I am completely lifeless below the neck, like Hugh

on his wedding night.

To make matters worse, I'm starving.

Hey, Camille, what about the sandwich? So you screwed up.

I totally forgot about it. It's right over there.

Drat! So close, yet so far away.

I guess it's time to whip out my secret weapon.

No, not my mace.

Telekinesis. I discovered I was born with a gift back when I was in high

Boy, did I have some fun with it at the prom.

Blamed it all on that Carrie White, too. Nice kid, but so gullible.

Anyway, you want to see something really amazing?

Feast your eyes on this.

Damn it.

Okay, wait a second. I never had telekinesis. I had that thing that young

Barrymore had.

What do you call that?

Oh, yeah, drug problem.

Oh, well, speaking of bad trips, let's see what's going on at that wacky

resort. Settle in for another thrilling dose of that overlooked horror classic.

Tom?

Yes, Miss Ellis. I'm in here.

I brought you some honey.

Don't get up. I'll just put it on the bar here.

Thank you, Mrs. Ellis.

I really brought the honey only as an excuse because I knew you were upset.

Tom, there's nothing supernatural about what happened to Meg's dress.

There must be a logical explanation.

I know, I know.

But that seaweed, it's just like that Samuel's boy.

There have been no recent deaths, Tom.

No.

Anyway, I'm sure of one thing.

I've had enough of her.

Who are you talking about?

Oh, a friend I used to have, a girl named Vi.

She came over here to the island to see me. We quarreled up in the lighthouse.

Well, at any rate, she went back to the mainland.

Are you sure that's what happened?

What do you mean, am I sure?

Well, maybe she didn't go back to the mainland.

Maybe this girl Vi is still here and is playing tricks to get even.

Now, where do you suppose a woman could hide on this island?

Who's hiding?

Never mind, Sandy.

Things will work out.

You'll see.

There are some things that grown -ups don't want children to know about,

Those are always the most interesting things.

Who is Tom looking for?

Never mind.

Daddy's looking for the lighthouse.

It's always hanging around there.

The lighthouse is a very dangerous place, Sandy.

It'll soon be torn down.

That doesn't keep people from going there.

But you mustn't go there, Sandy.

Not ever.

Run along home now.

Come on, Fitz.

Lighthouse again.

Young lady.

Why?

That's a lovely perfume you're wearing.

It's no use.

I know you're in here somewhere.

I can hear you, too.

Don't you think it's ridiculous to hide?

Come down.

There's something I want to say to you.

Very well.

If you won't...

wasn't buying you.

concern you but you wouldn't want to make an innocent person suffer would you

wish you'd speak more clearly you're trying to make

me sorry for you i suppose but i can't help thinking how foolish you are

this absurd game

those two people all the unhappiness you need to.

Time has stopped.

You don't belong here, you know.

Why don't you leave Tom and Meg alone and go back?

What are you saying?

I can't hear you.

fooling me.

Andy. How's my family?

Daddy. Daddy.

I'm so happy you made it in time.

You don't think I'd let my daughter marry without her favorite father being

around, do you?

Well, roll up your sleeves and sit you in. The party's right after tomorrow's

rehearsal. Hi, honey.

Hi.

Where's the groom?

He's not feeling well.

you go to bed, dear.

Can't you hear or something? I asked if you live here.

In the lighthouse?

No, on the island.

On the island!

Why do you want to know?

Look, kid, I really don't care.

I'm looking for a guy called Tom Stewart.

Do you know him?

What do you want him for?

He won $200 ,000 on a sweepstakes ticket, and I'm here to give him the

I don't believe you.

Look kid, do you know where he lives?

It sure is.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

What is this?

Look, I don't want nothing from you, Dad. I really don't.

She owes me a fin, that's all, and I thought it'd be nice to have.

What are you talking about? No sweat, Dad. I don't want nothing from you. She

owes me a fin, that's all.

Wow, you sure have a nice pad, Dad.

Now, look, I don't... I don't mean to be rude, but you'll either have to tell me

what you're talking about or get out of here.

Look, the blonde, the one with the... She owes me some bread, that's all.

There's nothing to get bugged about.

What she does here is your business.

I can see you dig me, Dad.

Look, I motored this chick, Vi Mason, over to the island. I got a boat.

Now, when she asked me if I'd take her, well, I say okay, but she said she

doesn't have the change. This is what she said.

Okay, so we make a deal. Five bucks over and five bucks back.

Now, look.

idea who or what you're talking about.

Look, Dad, all I want is the bread.

When she didn't show by morning, I figured I'd been had. And I know she

go back on the regular run because I asked the putt -putt, Jock, and you said

no.

Now, I'm a real square, Dad.

I didn't remember the name of the guy she said.

Today I remember. How do you like that?

Tom Stewart.

That's the name of the guy she said when we made the run.

So, enough of this jazz, Dad.

Come on.

I have to leave.

Get out.

Well, maybe I'd better wait around until the chick shows.

You'll do nothing of the... All right.

Maybe it's worth it. Five dollars just to get rid of you.

Here.

There you go.

What you do is your business, Dad. All I want is what's coming to me.

That was a twist I didn't expect. An actor who had a career after this movie.

Don't tell me you didn't recognize the blackmailer. That is a young Joe Turkle

who went on to play a memorable role in an actual horror classic.

He was Lloyd, the creepy hotel bartender in Stanley Kubrick's The Shining.

Boy, seeing him inspired me to check on the rest of the cast, who didn't fare

quite as well. For example, the little girl, she ended her days working as a

Walmart greeter in Paramus.

And he was a success story.

Hey, let's pay some bills. We'll roll a few commercials for products too cool

for daytime television. And then be right back with more of Elvira's movie,

Macabre.

How are you, Mrs. Ellis?

More, Mr. Nelson.

It's a very warm day.

I think I'll have something light.

An egg salad sandwich and a glass of iced tea with lemon.

Don't like sugar in my tea, but plenty of lemon.

Well, how about a nice hamburger or a tuna fish salad?

What's the matter with your eggs?

Oh, there's nothing the matter with them. I just don't have any.

I've been out of eggs for almost a week now.

Kramer's hen has just stopped laying.

It's a funny thing.

Nothing like this ever happened before, except once, about the time the Samuels

boy died.

They just stopped and quit lying.

Would you like a tuna fish salad?

Just the iced tea.

All right.

Hey, Dad, can I have a Coke?

All right.

The Hubbards had to send over to the mainland special to get some eggs for

party. You can't bake a cake without eggs.

Speaking of the wedding, are you still there, Sandy?

Yes, ma 'am.

Shouldn't you be at the rehearsal?

Holy cow!

Charge it, Mr. Nelson!

You know, Mr. Nelson, I wish I could have my sight back long enough to see

and Meg married.

They must be a lovely couple.

I'd give anything to see them.

They're a handsome couple, all right.

Tom Stewart's marrying a beautiful gal.

The nicest of families, too.

Say, Dad, what did you say the handle of the guy getting spliced was?

Tom Stewart.

The girl's name is Meg Hubbard.

And little Sandy will be standing here to my right, next to the bride, and then

the groom, of course, to her right, and you'll be standing here. The parents

will be in their pews.

May I help you?

Yeah, I want to speak to Tom Stewart.

Like I said, Dad, what you do is your business.

I mean, it's crazy with me if you want to marry one chick and keep another one

on the side for kicks. Wow.

But I feel sort of a responsibility, seeing as how I brought your broad over

my tug.

See what I mean? What are you driving at?

Come on, Dad, don't you know?

I gave you the money you're after. What more do you want?

Well, it seems that our deal is in line for some renegotiation. Tom, hurry!

We're waiting for you.

Yeah, go ahead back. We'll pick it up later.

Time? I've got plenty of.

I'll be Mrs. Stewart.

Isn't that right, Mr. Stewart?

I'll be right back.

Oh, please, Tom. Just one more.

Oh, I, uh... I wanted to get a drink. Yeah, I'll get it for you. Just one more

number. I want to show you off.

Sorry I started you, Tom, but candidates are the best kind.

I had my mouth open and my eyes closed.

This is going to be the worst picture ever made.

If you don't like it, I can take another.

Is it another girl?

You can tell me. I'll try not to be jealous.

Jealous?

Who could be jealous of Vi?

She's dead. She doesn't exist.

She's a perfume.

She's a footprint.

She's a hand. She's a face in a picture.

Who could be jealous of Vi? You're talking crazy, Tom.

Let me see the picture.

You're not making any sense.

anything except you and me.

Well, folks, I'm at a loss.

I mean, deadly spider venom is working its way through my system.

I've tried batting my eyes for help, looking pretty and telepathically eating

sandwich. Pretty much every trick in the book.

I guess I just have to resign myself to being stuck here on the couch.

Wait a second.

It's like a metaphor for my life.

All my hopes and dreams out there, somewhere.

All those missed opportunities.

All those roads left taken.

Just imagine how my life could have been different.

I could have gone blonde, gotten a tan, met a lifeguard.

He's a former Marine.

We get married in Waikiki.

Nine months later, twins.

No, triplets.

I lose the pregnancy weight in weeks.

Years pass.

I'm elected president of the PTA.

The principal looks like a young Alan Alda. He flirts shamelessly.

We arrange a rendezvous at a motel near the interstate. I have regrets.

We fight.

I rush from the room crying, not looking where I'm going. Oh no! Is that a

truck?

I'm hit.

It doesn't kill me, though. It just leaves me a drooling idiot.

I have a great nurse, but my husband falls in love with them.

They moved back to Waikiki.

The children are the only ones left to take care of me.

They're only six years old, and all I know how to do is feed me macaroni and

cheese.

Uncooked macaroni and cheese.

Maybe it's better to die down here after all.

Hey, who's up for more movie?

You put out the light?

What's the matter?

You don't look too happy.

I ought to be.

You're getting married tomorrow.

I sometimes wonder the way Tom's been acting lately.

Anything Tom does is all right.

Perfect in your eyes, anyhow, isn't he?

Don't worry, Sandy. I love him.

I suppose every girl has a few last -minute doubts.

Because he's always around the lighthouse?

Because he imagines things that aren't so.

Everything will be all right.

It's late.

I wonder who it could be.

A boy and a girl, probably. You wouldn't understand.

I would, too.

They used to go there to knit.

Not anymore.

Everybody says it's too cold and damp and smelly.

Does Tom go there with anybody?

Or does anybody meet him there?

Now who's imagining things?

You're right.

Guys, that's probably only a reflection of the moonlight on a loose pane of

glass.

I'm over here.

Bye. Bye.

Hey,

look. I had it on the shelf.

We must use the same decorator.

What do you want?

I want you to stop.

I want to save you from your own mistake.

My only mistake was in knowing you.

And the only way you could correct it was for me to die, wasn't it?

It's not my fault you're dead.

Isn't it? I couldn't have saved you.

Couldn't you?

Maybe you can make yourself believe that, but not me.

I was there, remember?

You had to shut me up so you could marry me.

You got away with that, all right, but now what are you going to do?

I'll never let you marry Meg.

You belong to me, Tom.

You belong to a ghost.

That's the trouble with making one first slip.

You have to go from bad to worse to keep it quiet.

What would you do if Meg gets wise to you?

Stop her the same way you stopped me?

I didn't kill you, Bonnie.

I never killed anybody and I never will.

And once I'm married...

I'm going to live a very happy, very normal life with Meg and with our

And there's really nothing you can do about it.

Isn't there?

You may have noticed I've found my voice now.

I pick things up fast.

I'm going to use it to tell the world about you.

I told you, Tom, no one will ever have you but me. Stop it, Brian.

Are you going to talk to me or not?

Let's get this thing over with.

Just what is it you want?

Like I said, Dad, all I wanted was coming to me.

You know, the way it looks to me, we should be sort of partners. I help you,

you help me.

I bring your playgirl over to the island, and I figure it's worth some

service to you to sort of buy something from me.

Like a silent service, catch?

The word you're reaching for is blackmail.

That's not it at all, Dad. We should be sort of pals.

I done you a favor, now you can do me one.

In other words, if I don't pay you blackmail, you go to my fiance and

life of sin. Is that it?

Well, you're saying it rather crude, Dad, but you're getting the idea.

But it won't do you any good.

I'm not going to pay you one lousy cent. In the first place, I don't know a girl

named Vi. And even if I did, it wouldn't do you any good.

Because unfortunately, I'm not sharing my cottage with anyone.

If it'll make you feel better, you can look for yourself. That's not necessary,

Dad, not at all. You see, I already have.

Well, then you know she's not here. Well, yes and no.

You see, when you were so eager to come up with that five spot, I figured you

were, well, anxious to keep everything so quiet -like.

Now, when I find out you're getting spliced with another chick, well, the

story's even getting better to read.

Now, here comes the part I like the best.

I do a little snooping when you're not around.

What do you think?

You still with me, Dad?

Go on.

You see, that's the punchline.

That's the gimmick.

And she isn't anyplace else on the island. And she never left the island.

Now, what do you suppose could have happened to her, huh?

You tell me.

You're a comedian.

You're the one that has the rest of the answers.

You know something?

Everything you've just said is all bluff.

You don't know a damn thing.

That's not friendly, Dad. Not friendly at all. In fact, I thought you'd take a

wrong outlook.

He'll bleed you of every penny, Tom.

has to say about this.

Well, folks, you've almost made it to the end of this stinker of a ghost

Hopefully you can wipe it from your memory forever.

One good blow is all it takes.

Yeah, if you say so, lady.

Next up, the big finale.

I hear haunted wedding bells.

So be sure to stick around for more Movie Macaw.

You know, according to that book, I was supposed to have bitten the dust 30

minutes ago.

Yet here I am, still breathing.

Still completely incapable of moving.

You know, I'm beginning to think it wasn't that spider that's been wreaking

havoc on my central nervous system, but something else entirely.

Something awful.

Something poisonous.

Something no living thing should ever have to be subjected to.

But what could that noxious foreign substance be?

the movie equivalent of toxic mold.

Get rid of the mold, get rid of the symptom.

Unfortunately, I'm contractually obligated to show the whole thing. I

only thing I fear more than death is lawyers.

So just stick with me to the end, I beg you.

I can't face the rest of this torment alone.

What is it?

Stop whatever you're doing and come here at once.

All right.

Oh, Sandy, we have to be at the church in 20 minutes and you're not even

yet. Never mind that now. Make Sander him.

Come and hold it while I pack it up.

You'll make a lovely wife, Meg.

Meg, do you really love him a whole lot?

Whatever makes you ask a thing like that?

Last night you said you weren't sure.

Well, I'm sure now.

Oh, you'll remember to take the bouquet when I hand it to you, won't you?

I'll remember.

Suppose he's done something awful bad.

The way I feel now, I'd marry him no matter what.

Oh, don't forget, you stand close behind me, but not too close.

Here, that's done.

And you, young lady, get in here down this instant.

Mrs. Hubbard loaned us her ring in place of the one you lost, so that's okay.

I've got the minister's fee here in my pocket, and everything's under control.

So snap out of it. Okay, okay, I'll be all right. And get that funereal look

your face. This is a wedding, man.

Well,

that's a pretty dress, Sandy.

You're really going to marry my sister, aren't you?

I don't feel like that.

I can't help it.

Suppose you love somebody.

Somebody who did something bad.

And only you...

Would you keep it secret?

Well, good friends generally try to stand by one another.

But what if it were something real, real bad?

Real, real bad like what?

Murder?

we are gathered together here in the sight of god and in the face of this

company to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony

which is an honorable estate instituted of god signifying unto us

the mystical union that is betwixt christ and his church which holy estate

christ adorned and beautified with his presence

and first miracle that he wrought in Cana of Galilee, and is commended to St.

Paul to be honorable among all men, and therefore is not by any to be

entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, discreetly,

advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God.

Into this holy estate, these two persons present, Come now to be joined.

If any man can show just cause why they may not lawfully be joined together, let

him now speak.

Or else, hereafter, forever, hold his peace.

I knew something would happen. I was against the marriage from the beginning.

Let me help you with your gown, dear.

Don't bother Mother Sandy over there.

Sandy, help your sister.

Where is Sandy?

I thought she came home ahead of us.

Well, she did. She's not here now.

Wish you hadn't seen it, Sandy.

I'm afraid you'll tell everybody, and I don't know what to do.

I won't tell.

How can I be sure of that?

Good friends protect each other.

Yes.

Sometimes they can't help themselves. Things leak out.

Police hear about it. Do you know what would happen if the police heard about

this?

I couldn't tell them.

No.

Nobody could help any of it except me.

I could have saved Vi. I could have put my hand out to her.

Instead, I killed her.

Sandy?

Sandy, you know I love you very much, don't you?

Thank you, Revan.

She isn't there.

I can't imagine where she could have gone.

Where's Tom?

The least he could do is be here when Meg needs him.

Can't you leave him alone?

There's a light in the lighthouse.

Sandy could be there. She talks about the place all the time.

I don't think she'd go there at night, though.

We'd better make sure.

Let's go up and look at the sea.

You're not afraid of me, are you?

I never used to be.

Come on, then.

When the moon shines, you can see the whole island from up here.

Why did you have to see it?

I've never been happier to reach the end.

And look, I was right. It was that movie that was causing my paralysis.

Look, my legs are starting to work again.

I am so happy. I'm just going to do a victory dance.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, pins and needles, pins and needles.

Thanks for sticking with me, kids.

It wasn't the best movie I've ever screened, but it wasn't the worst

That one's coming up in a couple of weeks.

On the bright side, though, the next one will be a big improvement.

See you next week for more of Elvira's Movie Macabre. Until then, unpleasant

dreams.