Original subtitles

In the past, there have been tales of titans, gorgons, gods, and demigods.

There have also been tales of demi -more, but that's another story.

Tonight's tale takes us deep into the bowels of the dark and the mistress that

resides over those bowels.

Oh!

Greetings, darling. Let it be known that tonight brings forth a classic Greek

tragedy.

Emphasis on the tragedy.

Yay! And let it be known that tonight we are doing it Greek style.

Yes, for tonight, the son of God and man, our old pal Herc, dons his Sunday

tunic and wrangles himself some captive women.

Now, you know, I'm not sure what he's going to do with them, as Herc doesn't

look like he enjoys the softer side of sears, if you catch my drift.

And if you did catch my drift... I'm sorry I had to block you for lunch.

But seriously, though, this movie is so depressing.

It's like the classic tale of Oedipus. You know, where the guy kills his dad

because he's got the hots for his mom.

Well, by the time you're done watching this flick, you're going to want to kill

your father, your cousin, your mother, and your Aunt Louise.

So, hold on to your Kalamata, Olive.

It's Hercules and the Captive Women, tonight on Movie Night.

This was ancient Greece, divided into states, each ruled by its own king.

The king of Thebes was Androcles.

The mighty Hercules and his son Hylus were loyal to this brave ruler.

Good -natured brawling was a necessity to keep the young warriors fit and

strong, for wars were always present.

Woo -hoo! Toga party!

That's enough now, boys.

Come on. We're leaving now.

Big puppy.

You dope.

History tells us of the wars.

Legends tell us of an era when the unforeseen perils of the mystical

were always lurking.

This is one of those legends.

What are you trying to say?

Where do you come from?

This blood is not from wounds, but is fallen from the heavens with flames and

poisonous serpents. Monstrous powers are now devastating Greece.

In all our cities, the people are fleeing before the deadly shadow which

bringing night without end.

Can't you see? A rain of blood and fire, death and ruin are descending upon the

cities of Greece.

From the heavens!

From the heavens!

be a sign from the heavens.

Only the prophet Tiresias can tell us what it means.

Not by menacing or by punishing, but through their life -giving power they

spoken. What have they said?

Oh, wise Tiresias, who knows?

Who can say?

Who knows? Who can say?

Who cares?

A peril from afar, unknown.

Who is threatening us? Who would dare attack the Greeks?

Evil is upon us.

Forces of unbelievable horror.

Out of the west, where few have been, through the straits from which no vessel

has returned.

Across unknown seas, beyond the straits, from which

no man has yet returned.

From beyond the straits, Teresia told us. From beyond the straits, across the

great ocean, lies the terrible danger threatening us.

And I say to you, kings of Grecian cities, that we must attack these evil

before they reach our shores.

Attack them and destroy them.

If it were my decision, I would not hesitate to join my forces with yours.

But it's the Council of Thady which governs my lands, and it's difficult for

Thady Councils to ever manage to reach an accord.

Thanks to the gods, I alone command in my kingdom. And Hercules is right.

We should attack rather than just defend ourselves. Mr. Senope.

Yes.

Shoulder acting.

Ooh,

is that Spanakopita in your skirt, or are you just happy to see me?

Oh, it's Spanakopita.

Watch, Andrew, please. Look at the outlines of grease over on the map and

the confines of my own lap. I swear by all my guards on high that no enemy will

ever pass me.

Here!

To there!

If you think I've been impressed with such a childish spectacle, you're

mistaken.

Even a king can court misfortune if he's too intriguing.

May I point out to you?

The tribute money for the last war is still waiting to be paid?

If you think to fill your corpus with my gold because we're now forced to be

allies?

No!

All right.

I must go alone with my own warriors, abandoning my kingdom to defend all of

yours. Have no fear.

I shall see to it that nobody sits upon your throne during your absence.

Your throne shall be rebuilt the day you return, Androcles.

What a waste of a fine throne.

It was carved especially for me and Tyros.

We shall sculpt one far more beautiful to celebrate your homecoming.

Mine? Ours, you mean?

Your skin is so smooth.

Do you wax your back? Not just my back.

Do you belong to the health spa known as Equinox?

Have you ever lived in San Francisco?

Do you watch gladiator movies?

I'm a little concerned. Well, if this massage has a happy ending, there'll be

nothing to worry about.

You see, my last mate left me for Thaddeus, the harp player.

And before him, my mate Thor was found in the bath with Gaius. Which Gaius do

you speak of? There are many Gaiuses at the Roman bath.

I know, and it adds to my suffering.

I cannot help it that I am hotter than the flames of Hades.

Many flock to my loins.

Women, some of the menfolk, eunuchs.

Small animals want the chicken.

A chicken?

Whatever floats your boat. Just because I have oiled muscles, wear the shortest

of skirts, and enjoy the company of sheep on occasion doesn't mean I don't

you.

Foot acting.

What do you want?

Pardon me, Diana. I've been waiting for Hercules to let me know when we can put

the sea.

Leave now if you wish.

Hercules is staying in Seeds.

What do you mean?

But what do we do?

You have to come, Hercules. You must. We can't possibly wait any longer. You

know that.

I'm being reasonable. That's why I'm not leaving Thebes.

Here I have my home, my wife, and my son. And it's time now that I enjoy them

peace. He's right. And you, Hercules, I must insist, you won't get him away from

me another time.

Very well, then.

But I've always been ready to accompany you wherever you've led, even through

the most terrible dangers, and even though I was afraid.

Well, perhaps Dinara is right.

If I had a beautiful wife and son, I would think the same way.

Goodbye now, Hercules.

I'll wait for you at the palace.

We must try my final wine of Tyro and drink to our health and to my voyage.

Do you think you'll be very mad?

Difficult to say before he wakes up. No matter, we're miles offshore.

When Papa finds out I put a sleeping powder in his wine... Hey, he's coming

around. You take over. If he finds out that I'm here on board, we're all done

for.

Wait, I'll come with you. No, you stay here.

Lovely day, isn't it?

Yes.

How long have we been at sea?

I should sum up.

And where's your fleet?

Well... And where are your warriors?

I have none.

It's because of that I brought you with us. I understand. I understand.

And is this your crew?

Right. Galley slaves and cut persons.

Fine company.

It's the best I could find.

But I thought you were the king of thieves.

Aren't you?

I fought against the soothsayers, the senators, the commanders of the army.

Aren't you always saying that democracy is... Never mind, never mind.

Anyway, I was right to smash the throne, wasn't I?

Now, how do you intend to beat the enemy?

Oh, I forgot.

You've got Timotheus.

No need for irony.

An enemy we've never seen is twice as powerful.

We now have to find out who this enemy is. From what unknown land he threatens

us. How strong he is. How great are his armies.

From where does he intend to attack us?

Hercules, what are you doing?

I'm sleepy.

I'm upset.

I'd prefer to be to hit somebody.

I cannot understand a word that man is saying.

It's all Greek to me.

Well, stick around, darling. We're still holding out for a gyro.

Well, Hercules, not the sandwich.

There's more moving macabre when we come back right after this.

Welcome back, my little plebeians. We're in the middle of the big, fat Greek

myth take, Hercules and the Captive Women.

Now, we're about a quarter of the way through this, uh...

And I'll tell you, all I'm seeing are a bunch of sweaty guys laying around on

their junk.

Junk, that's what they call their boat.

I am sure some captive women are coming right up, so just hang in there, guys.

This won't be a sausage party for long.

Oh,

it's impossible.

I hid down here in this hole six long days.

I've gotten seasick in the bargain.

I'm going up.

No, you don't. Don't you move.

We'll ask if Hercules finds you on board.

The only thing he's been asking all these days is whether you're at home

and sound.

Did you tell him I was?

Yeah, greased by the way of Brooklyn.

Nothing. Mostly sleep.

When he doesn't sleep, he fishes.

Fishes. Fishes.

Quite many fish? Nah.

Androcles is up astern and won't bother us.

Don't worry.

The land isn't that far away.

Just make certain nobody comes down here.

Don't be so slow.

Come on.

Whoa, look at all the men going into that big gaping hole.

It's like Britain is a barricade.

The water can't be far off, and the men will be back soon.

We should leave before the sun goes down.

Look yonder.

There in that direction is a mysterious country.

If we can find it with the aid of the gods, we can confront the danger that's

menacing us.

What makes you so sure the gods will help us?

Go look for the men now. I can't believe that rats in all those water bags.

Human rats with swords, maybe.

Certainly not the best of men for an enterprise like this.

Sleep well. Don't trouble yourself. I'll wake you just before we go aboard.

You're out of shot, but you stay below.

Just let me see the sky.

Nothing doing, I've told you. It's not time yet for your father to find you're

on board.

Once we pass through the strait... I've had enough. I'm coming out.

Quiet! The sailors are coming back.

Shut up, you little weasel.

Ow!

Raise

the

sails! Hey, quit yanking my chain.

This movie is the pit.

God of the air, I beg thee, cause the wind something.

Yeah, wine makes me feel better, too.

Probably the alcohol.

Passing ship is willing to repatriate you.

You think that's a good idea?

Hey, Hercules, a very good idea.

Even if they are criminals, there's no reason why they should be sent to the

death. What about us?

For us, it's different. We set out on this voyage of our own free will.

Well, at least you did.

How can the three of us navigate this ship?

Three? You mean two of you. Huh?

One shall man the sail, the other the helm.

Don't worry. I'm sure everything will work out wonderfully.

You'll get that.

There he is.

I'm going above. Are you crazy?

I'm dying.

I'd much rather face my father.

And maybe I can help Andrew. Don't be ridiculous.

Not more than a minute ago, Hercules decided to help us. He's nowhere to

There's something up ahead. Go see what it is.

You hold the tiller.

Hurry!

Oh, my God. This movie's starting to make me seasick.

Or is it just sick?

Well, blow me down and shiver me timbers.

This is exactly what I always imagined the Navy to be.

Big, hunky, sweaty guys pulling their oars down below, sharing meals, swapping

the deck, swapping spit, all while taking orders from them.

You want to know how it all turns out in the end?

Uh -uh -uh.

Don't ask.

Don't tell.

Welcome back, darling.

Tonight we're putting the fun in Phoenician.

Yep, we dug up the ancient myth of Hercules and then, like, messed it up

some nonsense about an island of captive women, those of which have yet to be

seen. Well, let's get back to the man -on -man action and hope that we

some X chromosomes soon.

But look, I mean, if you don't like it, I would keep it to myself.

You know, I mean, Herc may be all Athenian and all, but if you diss this

he'll Euripides you a new one.

Uh -huh.

Just saying.

Omnipotent Zeus.

Oh, Zeus, my father.

Hear my plea.

If Androcles is still alive, if it is this you wish to tell me, grant me

that we might meet again.

Grant it that it be in my power to save him.

Oh, Zeus, my father.

I beg you. Do not fear.

No, please. Kill me.

Kill me.

Who are you?

What god persecutes you?

Go away, stranger.

Go away.

Who has imprisoned you?

He was a man like you.

But he can be everything. A great serpent. Water.

A terrible tempest.

The air that you breathe. The earth you walk upon. Go away.

No one knows in what form he will next appear.

Who is the monster who threatens you?

Proteus.

Watch out!

Stay in yourself! It's him!

It's about him!

He gives good counsel.

Go away.

I don't want intruders on my island.

Leave here now, or you'll be dead by nightfall.

Boy, he is right. All creatures are attracted to him.

Must be the mountain's time of the month.

I'm saved. Yes, Proteus is dead.

That is his blood.

This rocky cliff, the whole island, is Proteus himself.

He nourished himself on the blood of you and other victims.

But now it is all over.

You think so?

It was my people who left me as a sacrifice to prevent him from destroying

When you killed him, you went against the will of the gods.

No.

Without the help of the gods, I would never have succeeded in slaying that

monster.

And the gods will help us again.

There's my country.

Atlantis.

Today is dedicated to Uranus.

The queen is in the temple for the sacred ceremony

And those children are dedicated to your race.

They're going to the mountain of the dead.

Shot on location at 30 Rockefeller Center.

At the mayor.

Forgive me if I interrupt the ceremony.

But the mists that protect our island have vanished as if by magic.

I saw it from the mountain.

It's now my fear Atlantis can be seen by mortal eyes.

Uranus has abandoned us!

He said Uranus.

We must sacrifice the Proteus.

Wait!

Proteus does not need human victims any longer. You dare enter here? Who are

you? Hercules of Thebes.

My father, the omnipotent Zeus, has guided me here to your land.

Let him alone.

No mortal has ever dared set foot on the sacred island of Atlantis before.

What are you doing here?

What foolhardy reason has led you to defy the ire of our gods?

I do not believe in evil gods. Such gods I have been taught to hate.

I combat gods which demand human sacrifices and slake their thirst with

blood. For this reason I have slain Proteus and saved the life of a maiden.

Who has sacrificed to his monstrous fury?

You lie!

Why this

silence?

Your daughter is alive?

And yet there is no joy in your eyes.

You have committed the most terrible of sacrileges. You have killed the son of

Uranus, Proteus. And at his death, the mists which had protected Atlantis for

centuries were dissolved.

What is Atlantis to hide which mortal man must not behold?

For what reason have you come here to Atlantis?

Hercules of Thebes?

I have brought Ismene back to her mother.

And if the gods were as angry as you say, they never would have allowed me to

come this far, nor helped me to destroy Proteus.

Perhaps you are right and we are wrong. But... If we have committed errors, we

must remedy them and give our thanks to him who has opened our eyes.

Come, my daughter.

I am happy you have returned.

I can only ask your forgiveness and render my thanks to him who has saved

It is not me you should thank, but the fate which has brought me here in search

of a friend.

Fate must have been more concerned for the well -being of his nanny than for

well -being of your friend, sending you here to our shores.

No mortal has ever landed here before. You are the first.

My friend Androcles vanished at sea during a storm.

I'm convinced he's alive, but he's in danger.

Were he here, I would not hesitate to tell you.

I would go to any lengths to help him out of gratitude to you for having saved

the life of my Goth.

But now we must celebrate your victory over Proteus.

May it signify good fortune for our land.

You shall be my guest.

You have only to ask for anything you wish, and it shall be given to you.

I swear by all the gods on high that the gods have spoken, and it is the will of

the gods that we will be back to Hercules and the captive women when

Macabre returns right after this.

God.

Oh, welcome back, darlings. We were just watching Hercules in the...

Captive Women, you know, that movie that puts the bus in history bus.

Well, this movie was shot on location in Atlantis, and much like the box office

receipts, the island sunk right after filming.

Well, this movie's kind of like the old story about the Trojans, you know, that

story about getting that little package and you think it's all nothing, but it

turns out that there's a big surprise inside.

The surprise is there's still about 40 minutes of this movie to go.

It seems as if I've awakened from a nightmare.

I can't bear to think of the terrible end I was destined for.

You are more beautiful than ever.

And I love you more than ever.

I... I well understand your feelings.

But if... But if Hercules had not saved you as he did, your fate would have

been far less terrible.

Well, what are you saying?

I look terrible.

When I offered you as a sacrifice to Proteus, it was not for the reason that

think.

Not to satisfy the lust of that accursed monster.

There was no need to sacrifice the daughter of a queen.

You are the daughter of Antonia.

You are my daughter.

If you had to die,

It was for a far more noble and fatal reason than that.

But... What reason?

Your destiny is bound to mine, Ismene.

Just as mine is bound to my kingdom.

I never told you the truth before, because death and truth have the same

for me.

Unfortunately, nothing has changed.

On the day that a daughter of mine shall survive me, it is written in the sacred

books, Atlantis shall be destroyed.

Mother, good night.

You must die.

No.

No.

I don't want to die.

Androclines! Androclines, wait!

Androclines, why didn't you...

It's not possible. What is not possible?

That man.

I saw myself. That was Androcles.

Androcles? I don't understand.

I don't understand myself.

I'm sure I saw my friend Androcles.

And yet... I don't doubt your words.

I suppose you think I've lost my mind.

Even I now seem only to have dreamed it all. No, what you have experienced is

quite normal.

Often the desire to see a loved one creates the illusion of seeing visions.

Yes, perhaps you're right.

Besides, you are weary from your long journey.

Put your mind at peace, more pleasant.

There are horsemen coming.

Won't you leave me in peace? I've been waiting for this for days. Now I want to

sleep.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! They're with him. It looks like she's a prisoner. A girl.

Put her down and fire to that stake.

We'll wait here till sunset.

Why wait till sunset?

Let's kill her now.

It's orders of Antinea.

When it's time, we'll throw her from the cliffs to the rocks below.

Don't you look at me like that.

We're merely obeying your mother.

You're better off to me.

What are you doing?

I'll save that girl. You want to see them kill her?

No, but I don't want to save her by getting killed myself.

Look out.

any others no i feared the last one good quick the girl

courage

now don't you be afraid we're here to protect you courage it's no use it's no

use why say that where could i go no matter where it's my destiny

but i die now don't be foolish we want to kill you What kind of people live

here? Unfriendly and somewhat nervous.

Fly for your lives at once.

They'll kill you, too.

They have possibly already killed the great Hercules. Hercules?

Is he far away?

Do you know him?

He's my father.

Don't worry now.

If he's here, we're all safe.

Hey, that's my pose.

Why, I gotta...

Sirk is so gay.

Have anyone ever told you that you look like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark?

I would take your question more seriously without that ridiculous scarf

head. Go on, do it. Do the hosting thing, just like her, only with smaller

breath.

Ugh. Hello, darling. Welcome back to this crap -er classic.

Now stay on movie macabre.

Screw you.

Why are you so anxious to leave?

Remain here with us.

Have you not enjoyed my company?

I must find Androcles. I shall have no peace until I discover what has happened

to him.

Perhaps your friend is dead.

Perhaps his body lies at the bottom of the sea.

I would like to stay here with you, Antonia.

But at least for now, it is not possible.

What a pity.

Tomorrow I shall place at your disposal a ship so that you may continue your

search.

There's only one thing that I ask.

You must promise me that you will return.

I shall return.

Yes, I promise you.

Androcles.

I hate you.

I loathe you.

Why did you come to Atlantis?

What do you want of us?

But what are you saying? Androcles, you must be mad.

No.

You.

You are mad.

If you think you're able to combat the force of Atlantis with the pivotal

strength of your muscles.

You may kill me if you wish.

But you'll all be destroyed.

Destroyed by the forces of our queen.

There will be no mercy for those who attempt to defy our power.

There'll be no hope of escape for you.

Androcles, listen to me. No.

You listen to me, whoever you are.

You must die.

And with you, all Greeks will perish as blood rains down and purifies the earth.

The skies will burst into flame to hail our victory, destroying the temples of

your meaningless gods.

And a great god will return to his own, Uranus, to rule over all.

What you say is blasphemy. And I thought Atlantis was such a nice place.

I'm sorry, Hercules.

I did not wish for you... But why did you lie to me?

Why didn't you tell me he was here?

You are too suspicious.

Who knows what sinister motives you attribute to my acts.

Perhaps you even believe those insane visions created out of your sick mind.

I believe in what I see and what I hear.

And you can't deny that you've lied to me.

I told you that Androcles was not in Atlantis.

I suppose you think that poor madman is your friend.

Your very best friend for whom you were willing to leave your home and sacrifice

your life.

But why didn't you tell me?

I wanted to spare you further grief.

As far as you are concerned, Androcles is dead.

Now I do not know whether it is better to have pity on him and let him go on

suffering in his madness, or whether to... No.

If you have pitied him up to now, I beg you to continue to pity him.

And to forgive me for having doubted the sincerity of your feelings.

Take him away and see that he is well treated.

Do not worry about Androcles.

Perhaps if you decide to stay here together, we can nurse him back to

That is, if you so desire.

Rufy, alert!

Here, drink this wine.

It will put your spirit at rest.

I hope that tomorrow you will have decided to remain here for as long as

wish.

Even for the rest of your life.

Spitters are quitters.

There were two strangers.

No one from here would have dared to attack us.

So, only two men managed to overcome ten of you.

Antinea, send me back with new men. I assure you this time they won't get

I beg you.

I swear it.

Such a thing won't happen again.

Yes, you're right.

It won't happen again.

No, no!

Don't put me in the acid!

No, don't kill me!

No!

I've had to imprison Androcles.

In such a state of mind, he could easily be dangerous.

Dangerous for whom?

Dangerous for Atlantis.

I am the Queen of Atlantis. It is I who decide about life and death.

Open it!

Poor Androcles.

Too fragile for the weight he had to support.

Now somebody else will sit on the throne that was destined for him.

Hercules.

Take him to the valley and let him die like the rest of the weaklings.

And then go find me Ismene and kill her.

Kill her!

He couldn't have escaped through the window. The bars are intact.

Where is he?

He can't have disappeared.

Find him if you value your life.

The soldier.

They've got Angicles. Let's go after them. You're mad. They'll kill you. I

want to follow them. See where they put him. Come on.

Here comes the boy.

Get him. Get him. Get him.

Did you hurt yourself?

It's Angles.

another customer?

Yes, there he is.

Take him down and lower him into the pit.

And feed all the rest of them while you're there.

This movie had a cast of thousands, but not a single actor.

Here I am.

May Zeus be praised.

I thought you were swallowed up by the sea along with that cursed ship.

Both of us believe that you were drowned, too.

Afterwards, when Hylas helped me free that girl... Hylas?

What is Hylas doing here?

But he was on the ship when I said so behind me.

Pilate, what are you going to do?

There are too many.

If we were helped by the men of the valley, we'd be able to finish them off

easier.

What the phallus is that saying?

You can't do that by yourself. Even if you should break through, the guards

would hear. It's better to run, hide ourselves.

If my father finds me here with a girl, he'll never let me out of the house.

I'd better do something useful before he gets hold of me.

Then we can hide somewhere.

care to put him in there.

May Zeus be praised.

He's alive.

these open sores that cover our bodies.

It's Antoneo who's done this, treating us like animals.

And every day we curse the fates who keep us alive and that monstrous queen

put us here to sleep. But why?

What is the meaning of all this? To create a new race.

Up there in the Mountain of the Dead is a miraculous rock which has the power to

change all men.

Change men?

What do you mean?

I don't know.

I only know that we are doomed.

Every year the guards of Antonia choose the children destined to be changed by

the rock and its powers.

A few resist, others don't.

Those boys that I saw?

Yes, we were like them before we were taken to the mountain many years ago.

Look at us now.

We are the few who resisted the rock and its influence. Those who succumbed have

never been seen since.

Many say that they now live in the world of the supernatural, creatures of evil,

invincible.

I'll go to the mountain. Better to attack Atlantis. No, Hercules is right.

We will never be really free until we destroy the power that rocked forever.

I will go with you.

Wait for me here and take care of Androcles.

When I return, we shall decide what to do. Yes, Father.

Come along.

Don't be sad.

Just wait.

Before long, it'll all be over.

We'll go to Greece together.

Life is different there.

And in spring, it's unbelievable.

We'll just think about all our todays and no tomorrows.

Stranger, come!

We're going to attack the city!

You're all mad.

You heard the orders from my father.

We all want to hurt you, but he can't give us orders now.

If you're afraid, stay here with your father.

But we want our revenge.

I must

try to stop them. Look after Androcles and his maiden. I've got him with my

life. Tyler!

Oh, this movie stinks.

There. There is the source of good and evil for all men.

Look. Down there is the fiery rock which holds the secret of life or death.

You don't believe me, Hercules.

You think I'm mad.

The suffering has warped my mind. Is that it?

But what if it's true?

You can't believe that a piece of rock can destroy a man as we know him.

You can't believe that a piece of rock can change bodies as well as minds.

That rock may give us life, Hercules.

But it also brings death.

With dead men who warped Hercules.

Unbelievable horror!

It was his destiny.

I'm sure he's better off where he is now.

When the light touched that man, he disappeared.

The rock can also take life.

Who are you, priest?

There's no sign of years on your face, nor the passing of time in your eyes. In

ages past, before Zeus, your father, reigned over the earth and over mankind,

another god, immense and powerful, dominated Olympus, Uranus.

Betrayed by his own sons, Uranus was struck down and thrust into the great

unknown.

Did he just say something was thrust into Uranus?

...needed that divine cleansing rain, only a few drops fell on Atlantis,

us the heirs to all the powers of Uranus.

And the blood of the god became a rock, living and vibrant, a rock that gave

light and darkness, good and evil.

Antonia, the queen of the island, was eager to make use of the rock's powers.

Hundreds of years have passed, ages of evil rituals and murders.

Now, after much searching, Antony has found the mystic secrets of Uranus and

will use them to make herself omnipotent, destroying all mankind and

You are a priest, Satan. How can you speak so of death and destruction?

I was the last high priest dedicated to Uranus.

And I still worship here at his sacred shrine.

I'll serve him forever.

Uranus was a just god.

You guys have been taking shots, right? Every time they see Uranus?

The blood of Uranus can never be destroyed by no one on this earth.

The rock of the god will only lose its power when touched by a force above and

beyond this earth on which we live.

You know the secret of this force, save it, tell me.

I can reveal to only one man the secret mysteries of the god, but he must show

me that he is stronger than the rock itself.

Take this power, Hercules, and demonstrate your strength.

Do not do this out of pride.

This you know.

It is only to cause the hearts of stone to swell up with pity, to let their eyes

fill with tears, the tears of common humanity.

Do not abandon me in this trial.

the rays of the sun can destroy the rock of Uranus. When a man can remove that

stone and a ray of sunlight shines upon the rock, then we will see the end of

the reign of Antinea, of Atlantis, and of all its inhabitants.

Thank you, Zanet, and have no fear.

I will succeed in defeating Antinea without destroying Atlantis or her

inhabitants.

With the help of my companions, I shall put an end to her reign.

Oh, I'm Z!

That's... Oh, my Zeus.

Seriously, though, this movie ain't for Sisyphuses.

Sisyphi?

Oh, well, just when we think we're done pushing that ball called tonight's movie

up the hill, here it comes, barreling back down on us. And the last thing I

tonight are balls on my head.

Oh, stick around. This movie is actually starting to get good.

Yeah, I know, but I gotta tell him something to get him back.

Aristocles, bring me more wine.

Orifice, my fan.

Androgynous, take off my sandals.

Mentholiptus, I need a cough drop.

Boy, there's nothing like having slaves, is there?

They sure don't call them the good old days for nothing.

You know, we're almost at the end of our Greek odyssey.

Emphasis on the odd.

So, sit tight and hold on to Uranus as we slide into the conclusion of Hercules

and the captive women.

Epidermis! Cucumber mask!

Epidermis?

Oh, they drank the Kool -Aid.

Where's my son?

Where's Hercules?

Have no fear.

Your son is alive.

He is safe.

Why didn't you have him killed?

Why did you spare him?

Because of you, Hercules.

Listen to me.

I could have had your son killed and with him your friend.

I could have had you killed too.

Perhaps I should have.

For that is what my people advised me.

But I did not heed their advice.

I wanted you to live.

I wanted you to live because I love you.

If you will join me in the conquest of the world, all mankind will recognize me

as their queen and adore you as their one and only God.

Love me, Hercules, and together we shall reign over men and gods.

And how do you expect to conquer the world?

One man at a time.

Back away from the creepy albino clones.

Slowly back away.

And so once again you have disobeyed me.

Yes, I know. But the slaves wanted to attack the city, and there wasn't any

to stop them.

Where are the others?

I don't know.

Timotheus got away with his mania in Androcles, but when I tried to join

was attacked.

I was hit from behind by one of the strange men with white hair.

And when I came to, I found myself here.

Maybe they use magic.

I know what this room is.

The mist that rose up.

Androcles invoking my help.

This is the room where Androcles lost his memory and consciousness.

And Antonia means to do the same thing to us.

I knew it was you all the time.

Kill me, stupid.

Oh, yeah.

Where's his mate?

Captured. And Andrew is with him.

I tried to protect them.

I threw myself on those soldiers.

I fought like a lion.

I confused them.

I must have killed at least 50. But his mate, he's a prisoner?

Yes. Where is he?

Down on that ship.

She and Andrew please her to be sacrificed.

They'll set fire to the ship and let it drift away in the winds.

We've got to get aboard that ship.

What did you say?

Start yelling.

Right now?

You heard me. Call for help. Have you lost your mind? I told you to start

yelling. Help somebody.

Help. He's a lunatic. Help.

We haven't seen the signal.

I carry the Queen's orders. Move!

Oh, my God! Finally, a captive woman!

Finally. Stay quiet, stupid.

And you, yes! Help!

In a short while, the ship will be aflame and the waves of the sea satiated

not seek other victims.

And thus they will protect the voyage of our warrior.

There's the signal. I'll set the ship afire.

Cut Timotheus loose.

Be quick.

Hercules!

What's going on? What ship is this? Where are we bound?

Don't you remember anything?

There was a shipwreck.

I fell overboard.

I called your name.

It was a bright light shining.

I don't remember anymore.

So then you don't know what you did.

What? What did I do?

You saved all of Greece.

Loose be praised, it's over.

Guy, but what happened to all the Greek orgies?

I mean, and for a movie that started in Thebes, there sure weren't many thespian

love scenes.

Ugh, this movie was just one big disappointment after another.

Well, actually, there were more than two disappointments.

But we made it. We endured rubber lizards, men in miniskirts, and some

who's horning in on my act.

Well, listen, sister, it'll be a cold day in hell before I retire my place on

this couch.

You must die.

Hmm, I hadn't thought of that.

Well, here's to me living to host another day.

Here's to my big, fat Greek urns. And here's to Uranus.

Unpleasant dream.