Original subtitles

Hello, darling.

It's me, that chick who puts the suck in success.

And tonight's flick is none other than the 1959 medical documentary, Attack of

the Giant Leashes.

And if I've ever shown you a movie that sucks, it's this one.

You know, when I first saw tonight's flick, I thought it was Attack of the

Leashes. And I was like, oh, that's dumb.

I mean, who would be afraid of a giant leash?

Well, except maybe a giant dog.

But then I actually read the title.

And then I read the synopsis, and then I got bored, and then I got a headache,

and then I went to sleep.

But seriously, I have a quota of films with the word giant in the title that

obligated to show, and Lord knows I love me a giant bloodsucker. Oh,

bloodsuckers. That's what I call my fans.

Speaking of which, here's a letter all the way from the Holy Land.

Oh, yeah, here it is. Oh!

Shalom Elvira. My name is Itzhak, pronounced Itzhak.

Pretty. I wish you could come to my country so I could show you my big

See attached picture.

Sorry, Itzhak, but I left my magnifying glass at home.

No, really, I do have the most adoring fans in all the world.

Oh, here's another one.

Elvira, oh, I love you. You are the most talented, beautiful, funny, charming,

and smartest person on television.

Love, Mom.

Ah, okay, one more.

What's this?

Hmm, IRS.

Uh, International Reading Society?

Reading? Ew!

Oh, man, enough of the junk mail. Okay, darling.

Get out salt and shake it till it burns.

It's Attack of the Giant Leeches here on movie.

Sounds like a squid.

Hold it a second, Lamb.

Liz!

You hear me, girl?

What do you want now?

I want you to rinse and spit.

You got to play that thing so loud.

Come out like this, girl.

Oh, don't bother me.

Please.

Someday I'm going to give that she -cat the weapon she's been asking for.

Sure you will, Dave. Bring the law down to her.

Let her know who wears the pants around here.

I'll be back in a minute.

Any weapons done back there, I'll lay you a jug.

He'll be doing it.

Come on now, Lamb, and tell us about that thing you killed out there at the

swamp, will you? Yeah, Lamb, let's hear the rest of that. Like I was saying, I

put five slugs into that critter before it went under.

Don't call this thing I ever seen.

Had regular arms on it like a man.

It was sort of different looking.

Had suckers on them.

Like one of them, uh... Like one of them octopus's things.

Oh, it was...

Is this an episode of Hee Haw?

Damn you sure that critter wasn't pink.

Oh, I told you before it was sort of gray looking.

You can laugh if you want.

But that thing weren't nothing nature put out there.

Oh, sir.

And it weren't no freak gator either.

I've been poaching this country for 40 years and I ain't never seen nothing

it. Too bad you didn't bring it back.

Steve Benton probably paid a fair bounty for whatever it was.

Bounty?

I wouldn't touch that critter for all the money ever made.

And if you seen it, you wouldn't either.

You better take it easy on this stuff. You look kind of peaked.

I'm going to clean my otter lines out before morning.

Lem, I think that critter's a...

A ghost of one of those otters you've been poaching all these years coming

to haunt you.

Well, if that's so, you fellas will see it right quick yourselves.

Look, it's not like I want to be mean or anything like that, Liz, baby.

I got a reputation around here.

These folks have no respect for a man who lets his woman boss him.

Well, next thing you know, they'll be laughing at me. And they'll be telling

the rest of the... Won't you please listen to me, Liz, baby?

Liz?

Stop looking at me like that.

I'll look at you any way I want, you're my wife.

How did he score that piece of tail?

Don't touch me.

Who do you think you're talking to?

Don't touch me. You're my wife. I'll touch you any time I feel like it.

Where you going?

Where you going?

She's going out.

I'm going out.

Maybe I'll be back.

Maybe I won't.

Liz, baby, I didn't mean nothing.

There was a young one in that last trap that had to kill it. Oh, poor thing.

Told you he shouldn't have come along.

I can understand hunting an animal, but making it suffer in those traps is

horrible.

These poachers know the swamps like the back of their hands.

But I'll catch one of them in the axe some night and put him away for six

months.

In the meantime, I'll have to be satisfied confiscating their trap lines.

If you lose enough traps, it won't pay them to keep trying.

Be careful, darling.

These people aren't like other folks.

They'll try and get back at you.

Let them try.

Steve, you're a stranger here.

They've lived this way for generations.

One man isn't going to change them overnight.

You're a real worrywart.

I'm serious, Steve.

They can be dangerous.

Okay, I'll be careful.

You just stop worrying.

Steve, I love you.

I love you so much.

What was that?

That was a scream.

Get in that truck and lock it up.

Listen, Benton, the coroner ruled that Sawyer died of a misadventure. Now, as

far as this office is concerned, that's the end of it. But, Sheriff, I can't see

why the... Look, if Lem was killed by anything human, I wouldn't need you to

tell me my job.

But I'm not about to go tromping through the swamp looking for an overgrown

gator.

Sawyer wasn't killed by an alligator.

Is that so?

Did you hear that, Morton?

Game warden Benton says it wasn't a gator that killed Lem.

Well, then, what was it? You know so much. Go on, tell me. What killed him?

Doc Grayson said the wounds were the kind of squid or a large octopus might

cause.

Oh, sure. And did Grayson explain how a saltwater creature happened to be 30

miles inland living in clear water?

Stranger things have happened. I know... Look here, Benton.

You work for the state.

Now, why don't you keep your nose out of county business? Is that clear enough

for you?

Oh, go soak your fat head.

What was that you said? I said go soak your fat head.

Oh, that boy's looking for bad trouble.

And he's sure going to get it.

You can bet on that.

So you see, the octopi uses its suction discs to hold its prey.

Now, in itself, the disc will not inflict a wound.

Same is true of the squid.

Now, both creatures have a parrot -like beak as their primary offensive and

defensive weapon.

Well, maybe the sheriff was right, Dad.

Could be a freak or a malformed alligator.

No.

No, I'm afraid it wasn't.

Well, where does that leave us, Doc?

I wish I knew.

You know, I'm beginning to think Lem was telling the truth in Walker's store.

He did see something that night.

Something that had intelligence enough to seek him out and destroy him later.

But Sawyer claims to have killed the thing he saw, put a half a dozen rifle

bullets into it.

I've seen that old .44 -40 used. Nothing could live after being hit with those

slugs.

Well, conceding the possibility of one such creature, we must also concede the

possibility of others.

Well, there's one sure way of finding out.

Go in and search every backwater channel and wet spot in the swamp.

If it's there, I'll find it.

There is quiet around here.

Did you hear something?

Yes.

Well, whatever it was, it's not here anymore.

Do you want some coffee?

Yeah, thanks, hon.

An army could hide in here and never be noticed.

One did.

The Seminoles under Osceola in the 1830s.

Took the U .S. Army two years to round them up.

I remember reading about Osceola in high school.

Two years.

I've only been out of two days and I feel worn out.

Well, you might as well keep on looking around.

Here's another letter from that International Reading Society.

Guy, take a hint already.

Last book I read was the Reader's Digest version of the clip notes on sex and

the single ghoul. And even then I only looked at the pictures.

God, I'm sorry, was there a movie playing?

Oh yeah, right. Uh, Giant Leeches. Okay, stick around. And I do mean stick.

The Giant Leeches will be back when Movie Macabre returns.

Right.

I tell you, you know, I just can't get enough love from my fans. I mean, all

these letters, each one wanting to meet me or hug me or shake my hand or tie me

down, pour ginger ale on my foot while wearing reinforced toe pantyhose.

I'll keep this one for later.

What? What? Oh, my God. Who are you? Are you dead?

Oh, no.

Is my time up?

God, I told you guys I don't want any book -of -the -month club prescriptions

anymore.

What?

Internal review news service.

Oh, service.

Well, what are you going to do for me?

Oh, this letter is hereby informing you of a substantial sum of

delinquent back taxes.

paying my front taxes.

You are hereby subjected to an audit to determine the final amount.

No!

Oh, my God. I know. Holy water.

Okay.

Begone, foul creature!

The power of Christ compels you!

Oh, no. I have made an enemy today.

Um, you guys just get back to the giant leeches while I deal with a giant leech

of my own.

Well, I guess we might as well give up today.

Well, you won't get any argument from me.

I'm asking you for the last time, Dave Walker.

You asking me, you dirty old man?

I ain't dirty, Liz, baby.

Liz, baby.

Liz, honey.

Can't you think of anything else to say, stupid?

I gotta get this order over to Miss Chauvet. She's one of my better

Can't keep her waiting.

I love you, Liz, baby.

Have some trouble, dear?

You know women, Cal.

Got to get their hair down every now and then.

You sure don't know an awful lot about females.

I got to hand it to you.

I can't stand here at John, Cal.

Got to get this order over to Miss Chauvin.

What's she letting her hair down about this time?

Well, ever since Lynn got herself killed, she wants me to sell out and

town.

Don't you let her bamboozle you, Dave.

Keep her right here in the store.

After all, place wouldn't be the same without you around.

Thanks, Cal.

I better get going.

See you when I get back.

Yeah, I'll be around.

It's Cal, honey.

You want something, Cal?

A leech on a hot tin can?

I... Oh, I'm dead.

Me too.

Come on over here.

That seems kind of silly, knocking ourselves out looking for something we

even sure exists.

What do you mean?

You know, we've covered miles of back channel and haven't come across anything

to support your father's theory of an alien creature.

Not so much as a mud print we couldn't identify.

I know.

You're not going to give up, are you, Steve?

Well, I can't waste any more time on a wild goose chase.

Don't you mean wild leech chase? With all respect to your father's ideas.

Dad seems so sure.

Wow, this girl's got leech bait written all over her.

I reckon I never met a woman like you before.

You really like me, Cal?

You're kidding.

No, I didn't hurt you now, did I?

You're so strong.

I like a man that's strong.

You sure picked a doozy then, man, Dave.

I don't think he's got a muscle in him.

Just a big piece of flab.

Oh, honey, I didn't mean anything against you.

Just that I can't see a real woman like you tying in with a tub of lard like

him.

You wouldn't understand, Cal.

You know, I've wanted to tell you.

He just wouldn't understand.

He'd try me.

Come on, you tell old Carol about it.

You wouldn't think better of me?

Crazy.

He'd tell me you killed your pa and your ma and your whole family.

I'd fight to protect you.

My first husband was a no -good bum.

Couldn't keep a job more than a week.

He used to get lashed up, come home, beat up on me.

He must have been a prize pig.

One night he tried to hold up a gas station.

He was so drunk he couldn't even run.

They caught him less than a mile away.

Got sent up.

I got a divorce.

It's rough.

After three years working in a lousy beaner, I was ready for the first guy to

say a nice word to me.

It was Dave.

That's it.

I wish it had been me.

I'd know how to take care of a woman like you, Liz.

Maybe it ain't too late, pal.

It's too late for the both of you.

Get up.

Come on, get up.

Now, look, Dave, I know what you're thinking, but... I got double large shot

this here thing.

You got two seconds before I pull the trigger.

No point getting riled, Dave.

It wasn't my fault.

She's been pestering me for months to take her out.

Sure, Cal.

I understand.

Get her up so I can get a better look at the lion, little tramp.

Come on, get up.

Come on, get up. No, Cal, no.

No, he'll kill me. He'll kill me.

Jump him.

Your husband wants to take a look at you.

You walk all the way, Dave?

One more step and I'll blow your plum in two.

Get over there.

Now, David, aim as bad as you think.

Shut up. No, you shut up. What are you going to do?

You'll find out soon enough.

Dave, you put down that gun before I get mad and make you eat it.

You go ahead and try it, Cal.

Go right ahead and try it.

Move. Move.

You keep moving like a food shark.

Keep going.

Dave, please, you've got to listen.

It wasn't my fault, honest.

She kept playing up to me every time you turned your back. It wasn't my fault.

You call yourself a man?

You and your muscles.

Shut up, you tramp.

If it wasn't you, I wouldn't be in this fix.

And my old friend Dave wouldn't be doing this thing to me.

It's all your fault.

Get going.

But... But Dave, Dave, we've been friends a long time, Dave.

You wouldn't kill an old friend, Dave.

If you don't move, I'll kill you where you stand.

But Dave!

from a woman, Cal?

Those are the giant leeches?

They look like turds. I mean, this whole movie is a giant turd, if you ask me.

Speaking of things that get flushed down the toilet, like my credit, I'm trying

to put together some receipts for my audit. I mean, I just know that evil

man from the tax board is lurking around the edge of frame.

Wow, this film reminds me... of one of the great American plays by the great

American playwright, Tennessee Will -I -Am.

Why, it's so warm in here, and I'm just so parched. I wish somebody would bring

me a delicious, refreshing mint tulip to quench my thirst.

Well, why, poor kitty, eaten by a giant legion all, it's gals like us who get it

in the end.

Oh, some of us like it that way.

But here I am, just laying around in the heat, waiting for my gentleman caller.

Why, here he is now.

Why, hello, darling.

Yes, hello. Is this Miss, uh, Dark, Mistress of the... Oh, may I

tell her who's calling?

Uh, yes. This is Mr.

Robert Ferguson with the U .S.

census gear in.

Um, uh, look, um, Bob, I am not nor have I ever been a member of El Caca, and,

uh, it's been months since I dated Osama, yeah.

I mean, I like him a little dirty, but damn, that guy just will not bathe. I

mean, I should have found him by now because he is so spanky.

I'm calling because you've failed to turn in your census form.

Oh, yeah, that, uh, well, it didn't make a whole lot of census to me.

All I know is that there are three kinds of people in this world. Those that can

count and those that can't.

Well, then by law, I am required to examine you or in.

Oh, all right. Just let me brush my teeth.

No, that will not be necessary.

How long have you been residing in this dress?

Oh, I've been in this same old dress for years. Why? And how many occupants?

Uh, one.

Two. And do you sleep in a nightie, a negligee, a t -shirt and sweatpants,

or in the bus?

If you answer in the bus, you're eligible for a tax rebate.

I am so totally uninsured. I know it's you, breather. Yes, it's little old me,

that guy with the face who leaves grease on your pillowcase, the breather.

You're no senseless taker. You're a senseless faker. I was just... Poling

leg?

Get it?

Poling.

Oh, God. First the IRS, now the senseless census.

Everyone wants a piece of me.

Well, I must say, I am quite a piece.

There ain't nothing down here, Sheriff.

Well, I'm getting tired of this.

Come on in, boys.

Well, if there was any bodies out there, we'd have found them.

I want some straight answers, Walter.

And don't give me any more of that crud about monsters, either.

Where'd you hide them after you killed them?

I told you the truth, Sheriff.

I didn't kill them.

I just wanted to scare them good.

I loved my Liz.

I wouldn't do anything to hurt her.

I loved her.

Sure.

You loved her.

That's why you chased her through the swamp with a shotgun.

Come on, Walker.

Where'd you hide the bodies?

Won't you believe me?

It was some monsters. They...

Take him out of here before I lose my temper.

County pay a reward if someone finds a body,

Sheriff?

Fifty dollars.

Yeah.

You know, I never thought that of old Dave.

Of course, everybody knowed that Carol and Liz had a hankering for each other.

Everybody but old Dave.

Stern fools.

Grappling out there in the middle of the water.

If them bodies are still in there, you can bet some old bull gators got them

stuffed in his cave under the bank, letting them ripen up for a few days.

Yeah, well...

What we need now is some long cypress poles to go in there and pole them gator

caves.

I'm sorry, Doc. I can't do it.

I'll have to do it myself.

Wouldn't want to have to arrest you, Doc, but I will if I find you near the

preserve with any explosives.

Steve.

I'm sorry, Nan. That's the way it's got to be.

Steve's right, Nan.

It's his job to protect wildlife.

What about human life?

Three people have been killed in that game preserve.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Nan, try to understand. If I could be sure something in the swamp was

responsible for those deaths, I wouldn't hesitate a minute.

We've been together the last three days.

We didn't see a trace of anything unusual.

Not so much as a suggestion of any form of life unknown to us.

Steve, shot and killed those people.

All right, I'll admit Sawyer's death left a lot of questions unanswered.

But you can bet your bottom dollar the other two died from Dave Walker's

shotgun. Do you really believe that?

Figure it out, Nan.

Walker admitted chasing his wife and Cal into the swamps after he found them

together.

He shot them and he tried to place the blame on Sawyer's DTs.

If Sawyer had told of seeing a purple giraffe with polka dot tails, Walker

have claimed they did it.

There's one argument against that, Steve.

Dave Walker wasn't the kind of a man to hang himself, not even with two murder

charges against him.

I talked with Dave less than an hour before he killed himself.

That man was in a state of shock.

I've seen frightened men before, terrified men.

But I've never seen anything to compare with the horror and the fear in Walker's

eyes.

Well, he realized what he'd done. He killed two people, one his wife.

Oh, look, Dark Nan and I were all over that swamp.

Why didn't these monsters attack us? I've been thinking about that.

They're probably night creatures.

They can't stand the light and they stay down near the bottom during the day.

A small charge would stun them, bring them to the surface.

Can't buy it, Doc.

You're pig -headed, Steve Benton.

Stubborn and pig -headed.

You just don't understand, do you?

Right over there in them reeds.

Just can't figure old Dave out.

If he was caught like Cal, what would you do?

I hadn't thought of that.

Right over there in them reeds.

It's where that big one used to be.

Yeah.

Oh, it's a great catfish in that hole.

Boy, this is sure a hot one.

Right unseasonable.

Sure is funny.

Huh?

Ain't you noticed anything?

About what? We've been prodding around here all morning.

Ain't run across a single gator.

By rights, this pool should be crawling with them.

Sure funny.

Yeah, that is funny.

I don't like the looks of things.

Let's call it a day.

Well, now wait a minute. We ain't pulled the gate of holes around the bend yet.

You do what you want to do, boy.

Just get me on dry land, and right quick.

All right. Now, ain't no use getting all head up. Let's go.

You got to quit drinking that moonshine.

That's why you're so wrinkled and ugly.

We out here.

Wild goose chasing.

Thank you.

We've been calling, but there's been no answer.

Oh, I just got back. What seems to be the trouble?

Haven't you heard?

Old Sam Peters and Porky Reed have disappeared.

Come on inside.

You know, Covis, nothing would please him more than to have all the swamp

disappear.

Swamp trash, he calls them.

I know.

They have about as much regard for him as he has for them.

When they're worried enough to go to him, you know something's wrong.

Mrs. Reed said the men went searching for Cal and Mrs. Walker's bodies, and

never returned.

Cobra says he'll get up a search party if they don't show up in a couple of

days.

Doc, you and Nan take your car and get as many volunteers as you can.

Tell them to meet me at the old wagon road.

I'll call Doak Evans and have him bring his dogs.

Either they're lost or they've had an accident.

I hope to heaven you're right.

Well, they picked up the scent anyway.

Dad, do you think they'll find them?

Only the good Lord can answer that.

Well, at least we know they got this far.

Uh, and we know this because... Why don't you just encircle the lake?

Keep your eyes open.

Let's move out.

more tonight, might as well start back.

I reckon ain't no use hurrying now, Mr. Benton.

Reed and old Sam was alive.

They let us know in with a holler or something.

Yeah, it kind of looks that way.

You fellas notice anything about this lake? I mean the gators.

What about them? They ain't. A piece of water this size usually has maybe 50, 60

biggins around.

A whole lot of little ones.

It's real unnatural.

Well, maybe our torches scared them away.

Nothing scares gators.

Nothing.

Animal or human.

Well, we might as well get out of here.

Taxes, taxes, taxes.

Everywhere I turn, there's more taxes.

These bloodsuckers. They'll tax the pennies on my eyes.

I just don't understand why I've never seen anyone from the IRS before now.

They're probably night creatures.

They can't stand the light and they stay down near the bottom during the day.

Oh, yeah, that explains it.

You know, I just don't want to have any further contact with them.

Ah!

Hello, darling.

It's me, your penniless auntie, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.

While you've been watching the attack of the giant leeches, I've been trying to

avoid my own giant leech, that creepy little guy from the IRS.

He's been trying to tap into my coin purse for whatever it's got left.

I've been dodging this creepy rat bastard all night, but he just always

to turn up when I least expect him. He's been under my couch, behind my stairs,

in my box.

He's relentless.

I mean, I just don't know what to do.

I think I'm going to pay my taxes.

I will write a large check that includes all interest accrued. I will declare my

ass at... What? What is going on?

Why, that underhanded, sneaky, conniving little monster.

Well, if he thinks I'm just going to roll over and take it, he doesn't know

he's dealing with, do he?

Oh, on second thought, maybe he do.

But I am not going to take this lying down.

I'm taking on the IRS.

Okay, so while I focus on my strategy, you enjoy the rest of Attack of the

Leeches, my little, um, um, uh, dependent.

I think I did.

Mmm, never an egg.

You got something in mind, Steve?

I keep thinking what Evan said about the gators.

Nothing scares them, animal or human.

And yet something made them leave. Maybe a... Maybe a mineral contamination.

Guess I better run some water samples.

Come on, you two. Drink your coffee.

And supposing there is no contamination?

Well, then I'll send over to Eastport for a diving rig and go down to look for

this monster of yours. No, Steve, don't even joke like that.

I'm not joking, man. I had some training with an aqualung while I was in the

Navy. But, Steve... Look, there are two bodies we know for sure down there.

Maybe four.

They've got to be brought up.

Wait a minute.

There are no alligators in that part of the swamp, right?

So? No sign of any fish or snakes?

No. What are you getting at, Doc?

Well, there goes your argument about setting off a dynamite charge

You'd bring the bodies to the surface.

Get it out of your mind, Doc. I'm not using any explosives as long as there's

another way.

Why must you be such a... Stubborn pighead?

Exactly.

I'll tell you why.

Number one, there's bound to be some Aquarian life in that section, even if

bigger forms have abandoned it.

Explosion underwater would destroy every living thing and wreck what nature took

years to build up.

Number two, I'm paid to prevent the useless slaughter of wildlife.

Number three, I'd have to get authorization.

And to get that authorization, I'd have to come up with a heck of a good reason.

Satisfied?

Finish up, Dad. I want to go home.

Uh, Steve, uh, how long will it take to get this diving equipment from Eastport?

A couple of days. Why?

Oh, nothing.

Take care of yourself, Steve.

Well, here's hoping.

Dad, can't you throw the dynamite in from here?

No, I want to get it out into the middle, in the deepest part.

Go any minute.

I just can't figure it out.

Walker's wife. Why didn't her body come to the surface?

I don't know.

I think I'd better walk over to the coroner's office.

What's the matter, Mr. Benton?

Do you feel awkward about arresting my father in his own home?

I warned him I'd arrest him if he used dynamite.

It's nice of you.

Well, the autopsy should be over by now.

Oh, Steve.

I thought you'd be here.

I don't like to have to do this, Doctor.

Do we have time for a cup of coffee first?

Sure.

Mind, honey?

No, I'll make some sandwiches.

One thing is certain. For all the good it'll do now.

Dave Walker didn't shoot Cal.

I'd just come from the autopsies.

Hoover's tried to keep me out.

I told him I'd raise a stink they'd smell all the way to the Capitol if he

Well, what killed them, Doc?

Not drowning.

And Cal wasn't shot either.

Every drop of blood was drained out of their bodies.

And they had wounds on their throats.

Suction wounds.

Like a...

like a gigantic leech might make.

And there's something even more incredible.

Now, Cal was supposed to have been killed several days ago.

Sam and Reed had been missing a matter of 48 hours.

All three of them, as far as we know, were in that lake a minimum of two days.

Now, I'd stake my reputation as a doctor that Cal hadn't been dead more than two

or three hours when we found him, and the other two less than that.

First stage rigor mortis started in during the autopsy.

But how could that be, Doc? It's impossible.

The coroner will confirm it.

Whatever killed him is still in that lake.

And it's going to take more than dynamite to get it out.

Cutting from the cartons would have killed a full -grown whale.

That explains how Cal and the others lived after they were supposed to be

drowned.

What do you mean?

Well, this whole region is riddled by caves and caverns cut out by the ocean

thousands of years ago.

If there are caves above the water, then there must be caves under the water.

Go on.

Mike and I had a chance to fool around with some frogman equipment captured

the Italian Navy.

We sort of prowled through a sunken transport off Salerno.

When the ship went down, it trapped some air inside the hull.

We'd go down, come up inside the officer's lounge, take off her face mask

sort of sample some of the bottles floating around.

We drive the guys crazy trying to figure out how we were getting the stuff.

You mean you think that there's an alpaca or a cave underneath the lake?

gotta be. How else could those people have lived down there?

Not only that, it explains how whatever it is down there lived through the

concussions. Steve.

Liz Walker.

She might still be down there.

Alive.

of arms on that guy. They did not make guys like that in 1959.

He must be gay. Say, I've been playing fish.

Not this time, Mike.

If you ask me, they ought to have their heads examined.

Giant leeches.

I'm willing to bet a month's pay they don't come up with nothing more than

excuses.

He's crazy.

Him, the doc, and his brat, too.

Just wait till I get on the phone to the Capitol.

I'll guarantee somebody will wish they'd kept their nose out of other people's

business. I'll guarantee that.

Let's go, Mother.

Steve.

Be careful, please.

Don't worry, Mike will be ready if anything goes wrong. Don't worry about

Now, if you were going after Barracuda, you might have a tiny bit to worry

about.

Ready, Mike?

Oh, please don't wait.

Please.

Not exactly inviting, is it?

That sure isn't.

Hold her steady, Mike.

It'll stop anything up to a tiger shark.

But you got a hit, and this is don't count.

Now, if anything goes wrong, just yank on the line, and I'll be down in a

I'm sorry, that looks nothing like a leech.

me to go down and finish it off for you, Steve?

Uh, wait, what did he say?

You sure you don't want me to go down and finish it off for you, Steve? Damn,

knew it. I think I heard it pretty bad.

Careful now, anything hurts ten times as dangerous.

He's wounded it! He's gonna finish it off!

Does he have to go under again?

He's got to make sure, honey.

Where could it have come from?

I wish I knew.

We'll have to make some tests.

Maybe the proximity of Cape Canaveral's got something to do with it.

The rocket station?

Well, they use atomic energy in their first stages of launching.

Not all of them have been successful.

You think that if some animal life was close by, not close enough to be killed,

but close enough to feel the effects of a radioactive energy that... A mutation.

A type of gigantism of some common animal.

Whatever it is, I hope he's able to bring it up.

Okay, darling, don't move a muscle. And leeches are just one big giant muscle.

Oh, and speaking of muscles, did you catch the arms on Steve?

Mmm, I wish I was a giant leech.

Oh, anyway, we'll be right back with the climax of Attack of the Giant Leeches.

as well as my battle with the IRS right after this.

Welcome back, darling.

You know, I have been sucking the life out of my audience with the 1959

underwater attention drain attack of the giant leeches.

And I've been dealing with my own bloodsuckers at the IRS who want to take

everything, including the clothes, off my back.

You see, it looks like I was supposed to be paying something called taxes on

what I make from showing crappy movies.

I mean, I don't know what they're thinking, but if my math adds up, Uncle

owes me about $20.

But I do owe my Uncle Irving $40, but that's a whole other story.

Anyway, I have an idea on just how much wiggle room I have to get out of this.

Oh, my deal with the IRS, not my clothes.

Duh!

What could have done that?

Look at her face.

Three years. I never saw nothing like that.

Yeah, well, tell them you haven't been watching me because that's all I show.

There was no sign of them this time.

They must be licking their wounds.

You sure you used enough stuff to do the job, Mike? I used 100 sticks of 40%. I

ought to blow the bottom right out.

All right, let her go.

Oh, no.

I've done enough of your dirty work.

Help yourself.

Well, you don't know. Uh -huh. You think I make money doing this show? You think

I'm rolling in the cash, in the greens, Benjamins, fan scars, luxury items

that's categorized by Section 22 on Form E? Well, I have news for you.

I'm certified.

Mm -hmm. All right. I'm classified.

I'm rectified, notarized, and colorized as a non -profit organization.

Mm -hmm. Can I get a witness?

Oh, thank you.

Mr. Taxman. We're still friends, right?

And I'm sorry I called you a giant leech and everything.

You know that leeches are hermaphrodites, right?

Tell me about it, sister.

Whoa. Color me shocked.

Well, okay, darling. Until next time.

Unpleasant dreams.