Original subtitles

wakey-wakey frosted flakey hey brought

you a special present

storytime chicken nugget rise and shine

here we go your eyes full hearts can't

lose

welcome back and rest me I did I'm a big

fan of bears I'm not wearing pants

when's the last time you saw a bear

wearing pants what what the foot that's

easy now hey the only f-bomb we're using

around here

it's a Fred Savage now I want you to

take a deep breath listen to me very

carefully Frederick you're in a pg-13

version of Deadpool - which means we

only get to one and a glass of white

wine

are you bleeping yourself you bet your

voice in little time that seems weird

that you would do that yourself

and stop that sorry did you reconstruct

the bedroom set from The Princess Bride

inconceivable oh god yeah let me say

that felt real good

why am I here well the reason that

you're voluntarily here is so I could

read you the story of Deadpool -

filtered through the prison of childlike

innocence I'm and nobody does childlike

innocence like you Fred nobody I need

you almost as much as you need I don't

need you at all me to untie you once

we're done

hey easy sugar mouth

this thing's gonna wreck lithium-ion

batteries hey you are gonna love this

story I promise you it's got fencing

fighting revenge Giants monsters true

love and miracles now once upon a time

there was a boy named Deadpool who

starred in a surprisingly popular movie

which in an industry dominated by the

exploitation of existing brands demanded

an immediate sequel and believe it or

not Deadpool 2 is a family film true

story and every good family film starts

with a vicious murder Bambi The Lion

King saw seven really anything from

Disney and this family film is no

different anyway you know I get paid to

take out bad guys right well this guy he

was one of the worst of them

a panic room

really can you come out I really have to

go its my anniversary opened over I hear

people say I just don't have enough

confidence

listen confidence is not something you

have is something you create and you can

create it at any moment in time a sense

of confidence is nothing but a sense of

whoa actually that may that may have

been me well mission accomplished well

that George W sweat away can't stay in a

panic room forever you're living the

dreams DP it has been quite the run

dopinder and who'd have thought no

talked about in the same sentence as

Jesus and it Passion of the Christ then

me at least domestically we beat them

overseas where there's no such thing as

religion I do want to live the dream is

pool boy taxing is not as sexy as it

looks I want to fill my pockets what's

your poison little R it's a grip can't

maintain focus without buying shoes

online never experienced that last one

talk to me goose I was going to say soul

I want to fill my soul I want to belong

to something like you pulsar defender

you never cease to surprise me the

depths of your heart is extraordinary

we all need a sense of belonging we all

need a genuine sense of Halm a place I

want to become a contract killer I'm

sorry what did you say remember when i

kidnap Bund who and threatened him with

great violence he killed him and then

remember the movie interview with the

vampire I water when Tom Cruise for 10

year old Kirsten Dunst blood for the

first time and she looked up at his

smooth handsome face and said I want

some more oh cool picture me a 10 year

old Kirsten Dunst I'll never not makes

you that but I can't wait to never speak

of this as soon as possible

we're here go to my Tom Cruise and

you're my Kristen Dunst Kristen Kirsten

sorry I'm late

there's a bunch of handi-capable

children stuck in a tree nope you're

right I was rounding up all the gluten

in the world and launching in space

where it can't not hurt us ever again

try again diarrhea we can't be sure till

I get the suit off but all signs point

to yes kiss me like you miss me red

welcome here

all right aren't you gonna say it say

what you know thing what part you know

we say the thing yeah oh you want to say

that from the now is this a kissing but

I'm not gonna say that why because I

don't think that's gross anymore I'm not

12 and I think it kisses a very sweet

loving gesture between two people

unlike taping someone to a bed and

kidnapping I did not kidnap you all

right I like to call it unsolicited

location enhancement whatever yeah ball

gag I'm just saying that if you're gonna

force me to sit here and listen to this

crap I'm gonna have thoughts okay I'm

gonna open about things all right I'm an

actor I'm a director I know I love

modern family so much the point is you

need to anchor the story in

believability and I just don't believe

that she'd be kissing you I mean she's

gorgeous and you're like you know if

rocky Dennis had a baby with lava hey

zip it all right we already pay someone

to say stuff like that to me okay and

you're wrong because she would kiss me

she loves my insides trust me we all saw

the first movie you know I didn't I kind

of prefer Marvel movies we are marvel

yeah but you're you know Marvel license

myfox it's like if the Beatles were

produced by Nickelback it's music but it

sucks let's check in the nose for blood

there uh-huh

I love Nickelback you get your dirty

mitts off Chad Kroeger and the joke's on

you because Fox is being bought by

Disney Mouse ears puts the joke on you

you ears closed mouth open you were

nicer as a kid now where was I right

wait swept Vanessa into his finally

toned arms and she kissed him with an

expression that could mean only one

thing true love I wanna shower and get

out of this suit in that order do you

want your surprise do I look like a

patient burn victim

happy Anniversary baby

skeeball token our first date

yep that's a genuine high-grade lead

open yours well that's that's just the

most beautiful thing that if I don't

know what this is my IUD a bomb

no dick for brains my birth control

device what you mean your baby factory's

open for business

oh my god oh my god boy or a little girl

definitely one of the other Oh and I

want our kid to have only one name like

cher or Todd you got to put a baby in

the first cowboy sighs you know that's

what's important show that betters boss

let's do that

can you see me does this song sound

familiar to you

named Conor that's a boy

May if it's a girl so weird family was

always in the F word to me pile of shit

father took off and bailed me I mean I

sound like I have a lot of strong role

models to draw off of for Todd Hey look

at me you are not your father

besides there will never ever but our

child be named Todd but here's the thing

in the how it always works in Star Wars

men are destined to become their father

not a consensual sex with their sister I

think you missed big big chunks in that

movie no pretty sure Luke nailed her

baby that's Empire the point is kids

they give us a chance to be better than

we are I don't know he used to be a lot

smarter than I look yeah

I'm gonna go make dessert then let's

make a super baby

what about crystal but with a cake it's

too stripper Kevin with a K no -

strawberry - Earl he's gonna go straight

in jail pearl get down

baby baby okay huh thank God I did not

use the cream cheese spread

wait we know you frigid Vanessa Oh

fridge die I know what that means it's a

comic book trope in which the wife or

the girlfriend of the hero dies in order

to further said hero's motivation or

story

well that sounds misogynistic yeah he

reduces the woman to a plot device

existing in the film for no other reason

than just serve as a source of pain for

the hero Oh like Mufasa in the Lion King

yeah that's right like Mufasa from Lion

King you got it

she's just me or does do you want to go

the snowman from frozen Sun suspiciously

like Papa can you hear me from Yentl

Papa can you hear me

wait you've been here for three days

okay go home take a shower you smell

like Rush Limbaugh us couch cushions

after shark we I love frozen I loved her

I loved her like an ocean lost water the

notion is worth more importantly I like

to I really like to you know George

black was right I'm never gonna dance

again oh god he's dead too

nice we still have Bowie mr. Paul David

boy is still with us we do you still

have Bowie I'm sorry

shot after shot it's not gonna change

the fact that I think you're are you

pissing are you urinating right now

you're making the face that you make

when you nearly see pissing I'm honored

there you go dope in here you want to be

a contract killer you got into the mop

before you handle it good

although I don't quite understand how

they are all similar well they both have

handles now leave me go home wait I

don't have a home

I'm fine you know what fine stands for

Wade effed up insecure needy and

emotional according to the kubler-ross

according to the kubler-ross model

denial is just one of the five stages of

bird Jesus Christ but there were

speaking lines for you the hell you

doing here don't you have a knock

I thought you saw me with your ears

lucky I didn't shoot you in the wall the

refrigerator I heard the news sweetie

I'm very sorry I am what am I gonna do

I'll probably something terrible knowing

you it was my fault

I did this and all I want to do is grab

her and see her and tell her that I'm

sorry and I can't

she's caught I look shit you need to

just keep living thank you

Matthew McConaughey your words are a

treasure listen to the pain it's both

history teacher and fortune teller pain

teaches us who we are we'd sometimes

it's so bad we feel like we're dying but

we can't really live til we died a

little kill brushes Anka you bet your

pigtail sweetie what's your name captain

delicious pants

no no no no no come on hey there's like

a hundred benches around here

go find enough beat it it's a free

country you're right it is a free but

hey I wanted to say I loved your working

up I'm sorry I'm sorry

Oh what you don't like up there's got to

be some way to die

I just need to die harder trademark box

yes yes that's just something here I

can't guy can't I can't get to you your

heart's not in the right place

wait hold on what what your heart's not

in the right place

what does that move what do you mean

with a heart in the right place what is

it turns out I can dial it I just can't

stay dead

I'm terribly sorry for a lost wait

you're broken I know that voice hearts

you'll be asleep for three days I took

early but you're pressing me no kidding

why can't I finally die take your mask

off wait we must talk you need fresh

done Oh what's training you can be next

men you're wasting your time shiny Jesus

I'm not x-man material understatement of

the year wait Yukio Yukio wait what in

the fudgesicle is this she's my

girlfriend you and Tom whoa whoa pump

the hate breaks Fox and Friends I'm just

surprised anyone would date you

especially pinkie pie from My Little

Pony I like this guy give him a chance

it's great seeing you like this yeah

now some ground rules well under our

roof rule number one no killing anyone

ever no matter how bad a rule to label

everything in the future wait wait wait

don't try to chase me all these elderly

white men on the walls should have

brought my rape whistle what am I

supposed to do around here anyway sit in

a share circle talk about my feelings

and how would I do that

exactly because where the hell is

everyone it's always just you we

megasonic teenage longest name ever I

said no touching you think the studio

would throw us a bone one that doesn't

end up in my mouth

the first movie made more money than the

guy who invented pants

you can't just dust off one of the

famous x-men how about that putz with

the giant pigeon wings what do those do

anyway huh carry me three feet off the

ground to snatch up the nearest muffin

crumb

no no no I am NOT x-men material at all

first off I'm not even a virgin

second immoral interesting a

self-defeating mess they found you in

but this is what the friends do they

show up nothing convenient or easy went

hard and you always make it hard you I'm

sticking my neck out bringing you away

killed Vanessa got away oh Jesus Christ

so you're gonna kiss me for a second

there please no I wouldn't be able to

stop you if you did wait

whoever they are we track them down and

bring them to justice it was me and the

asshole got away I killed every last one

of him except me couldn't kill me

we were gonna start a family we were

yeah we were gonna be a family

wait vanessa is gone she's not coming

back this may not be family you want but

it's family you need you have a good

heart

it belongs here but it can grow what did

you say

I think I'm in the right place

whoa cable you got cable if I didn't

know any better I'd say that you're

getting into this you know cable the

biological son of Cyclops in Madeline

Pryor Jean Grey's clone half-brother to

Rachel summers and Nate gray raised as

the Ascari son and genetic template for

strife from a possible alternate

timeline having been taken as an infant

to the future and in fact it with a

techno-organic virus I hope you have

given this deeply nuanced and richly

layered backstory it's do ya we're

covering the time-travel stuff not

working out at all masking tape it is no

friend to chilled aluminum color-coded

efficient environmentally friendly who's

he talking to

why's he dressed like a registered sex

offender can we focus for a moment

ladies please we need to talk about next

month's meal plan obviously everyone

hated the ceviche I read the suggestion

box yeah it's on I'm gonna stop you

right there I see through this weak Act

you may have fooled Colossus with this

nice guy shit

but not me don't be me Birkhoff NCW no

no no no let her go let her go it's okay

she has a right to be skeptical look at

me I'm an easy target you know

historically mischief has been my

mistress so I understand you know but

I'd like to think that you guys have

really rubbed off

I like to think that I've rubbed off

around you too lot and for the first

time in a long while I like me I accept

your apology

I never apologized I was talking to your

heart see you're not the lost cause your

thoughts I'm proud you're everything I

knew you can be thank you Colossus just

trying to be the world's best x-man

sorry ex person hmm something wrong with

the soap it's fine I just filled it give

it a few more pumps there now excuse me

it's dust bunny season and I'm hunting

wabbits wait wait wait wait I just it's

just taking cerebro for a spin here

looking deep into the future oh this

thing that's not helping the waters yes

we have me a mission we do you do you

guys be safe out there no I know you to

join me to join I'm sorry what you are

ready that's a terrible idea and it's

gonna end bad we have the x-gen teen 5 I

remarry whether whi team use live here

at a breaking news situation at the

Essex

mutant rehabilitation a mutant boy is

appearing to have some sort of an

incident and why these time - there are

two police

it appears as if the x-men are arriving

with better what appears to be a trainee

everyone calm down

dated metaphor for racism in the 60s so

respect at ease officer what are you

doing my job you're the one who said I

was ready and I frankly disagreed with

you but here we are trying to overcome

our differences like Beyonce says please

please stop cheating on me hey this is

the fifth incident this kid needs to be

in the ice box not here

Russell belongs in our care not in

prison I assure you we have everything

under control not getting a real under

control vibe here Marty it is Glenn

isn't it Daniel I'll ask the questions

Miguel let me talk to the kid you stay

here with your weird secret sex lips

adorable I don't know why I packed the

hollow-point first day some nervous did

you just say hollow points yeah probably

shoulda brought a super soaker yeah hi

there

stay back or Justin Bieber dies ah

that's the beaver he called you Justin

Bieber

wait okay let's not do whatever that is

okay let's just talk great so it's

Russell right fire first fire fist ooh

that's a great name where does it burn

just the fist or all the way up to the

elbow

all the way up to the elbow gum quietly

or dead it will be trouble you stole

that from Robocop Robocop just stand

down you're embarrassing me look fire

that does it put your hands behind your

knees and get down on your head now

everything in the refrigerator don't

know Escalades rules are meant to be

broken that's the exact opposite of what

they're meant for come on fine I'll

start from the beginning

my name is Deadpool and I'm an x-men

trainee shut it look I get it all right

you're scared alone you got no family

what I didn't have a family either you

live in this dump well guess what I just

live in a shithole just like it but you

know something make matters worse it's

your confusing time in your life right

now your body is going through some

fiery changes too far I went too far

that was that perv essence school kid or

don't I didn't I'm an x-man

get used to this x-man shit trainee come

down squirt it's over we got you what's

that do

power damn knee collar shuts down all

mutant abilities we can't get it off

unless you've got a grenade huh

could he use one of those in the first

act thank you that was absolutely

thrilling true heroism in action we are

in your debt we can take it from here

take me to the icebox place anyways

better than here believe me son you do

not want to go to the icebox let's get

you inside young man no no wait wait

wait you just you guys stay there

those guys hurt you

who baldie locks Jared Kushner possible

I'll screw it four or five moments I'm

sorry four or five moments

that's all it takes to be a hero

people think you wake up a hero brush

your teeth a hero make love to a soap

dispenser a hero but no being a hero

takes only a few moments few moments

doing the ugly stuff no one else will do

he was abused you can tell you could

always tell rules you are not judge

Julie your executioner forget your rules

I fight for what's right but sometimes

you gotta fight dirty you let me down

for the last time

Wonderlic gang LPN

is there like a sorting hat

there's more of an East Coast hufflepuff

I've made a critical error on my Airbnb

reservation this is not what the website

looked like at

I love the decor though that no idea

hopeless was a color

hard left douchebag please after you and

the disgusting minority off the streets

will sleep all the night let's get a

baby Oh

nighty night you're annoying

but I'm gonna tell you what the big lie

is toilet paper toilet paper is plenty

fine appetizer but then Huggies natural

care wet wipes that's your main course

they're soft they're moist they're for

babies finally one more pass with toilet

paper maybe clear out that excess

moisture maybe treat yourself to a blow

and go if you can get you a hairdryer

just about 30 seconds until you get here

what what years it kind of dummy

question is that you're a long way from

your superpowers yeah

I wanted to be superior always wanted a

real super suit what happened I mean

what's the last time you saw a plus-size

superhero never the industry

discriminate forget superheroes the

first thing I want to do when I get out

of here burn their headmaster alive and

then take a selfie with a smaller angle

he says president is informative what

did he do to you

thanks for evil your abilities I know

how seductive they are tomorrow you find

the biggest con here and we'll make him

out with how's that that is the biggest

guy in here fun fact about the ice box

no one's ever seen it they keep a

monster in the basement right next to a

huge steaming bowl of foreshadowing look

I can't protect you with this collar on

my superpower is just unbridled cancer

me a bow and arrow

basically Hawkeye if you'll excuse me

I've got to murrs to go Vanessa's

weights I'll start by making us a shake

good listening I saw that God's been in

session in the old prison wallet if you

know what I'm saying prison wallet I

really hope I don't know what you're

saying

and to update you on the story reported

earlier after a lengthy standoff outside

the Essex House for mutant

rehabilitation two mutants were arrested

and transported to the night injuring

repair mode

don't don't do that don't what where are

you winking at me

I got your back oh my god

just sick I got a petite you just leave

me a lot kid great hello to our new fish

it's nice to see some fresh faces alone

yeah I've got some light catalog work

but really modeling is just a stepping

stone to acting I'm just talking to have

oh we met can't place your mustache back

Tom Cass white wave Wilson what's your

superpower cultural appropriation you're

supposed to be the toughest Khan in here

you don't look like much to me first

rule of the yard find the biggest guy

and make him your

last thing I need is more hepatitis Oh

slippery - this table needs a wipe down

you get a wipe down on the table can I

think you pick their own side zip it

we're not friends

take a seat ship die

I hate so much fine you wanna take a

seat ship do this let me die in peace

oh you make a great team oh man why'd

you say that make this dude we friends

partners we're not partners we're

friends doesn't end with us riding into

the sunset it ends with me dying of

cancer and you winning the icebox award

for most pinchable cheeks there's only

one person in this world did I care

about and she's gone

you know you want to survive

stop trying to shank the biggest guys in

here and make friends with them make

friends with someone anyone but me maybe

even black Tim black Evan I don't know

all I remember is he was

african-american

system malfunction seven

searching sound zero for located

that was our cell and I to piss off a

grumpy old guy with a Winter Soldier

yet

hello Russell

hello superpowers

why

no that's got some zip oh go back even I

can't show me talked but kind of

spineless shit stick tries to kill a 14

year old boy you might want to start

talking cuz I got a long history of

firing at times like this names table

from the future just walk away oh so

you're from the future I have a question

then

is not step still a thing

pussies they're so dark DJ no from the

DC universe is that a fanny pack

something to remember you by he goes

with me everywhere like a memory here

daddy why are you protecting the - he's

just some kid with an are you my mother

complex I don't give it to him about him

it's this one do

in every film is a moment when the hero

hits rock bottom in Cool Runnings it was

when John Kennedy's prized bobsled broke

in Human Centipede it was when those

people signed on to be in that movie but

in this film well you're looking at it

Rock meet bottom

yes hey

yes that's can you let me in please

please

you're not giving you a lot of direction

here I'm at the end of my rope and I

joined the x-men to prison

to the kid

kids give us a chance to be better than

we used to be the kid that's exactly

what she meant your heart needs to be in

the right place I'm not gonna abandon

this kid he's never had anyone ever I

need to be selfless yeah but what does

that mean it means I must save Russell

maybe I couldn't save Vanessa but maybe

I can save a robust teenager from New

Zealand yeah but what I mean is a good

word selfless I literally don't know

what that means

Jesus Christ okay look according to my

guy okay those muties are being

transferred to a Supermax 80 miles away

great I'll pick them off along the way

hold your testicles there buddy okay

we're talking about an armored convoy

and no vicious super soldier from the

future who's dead set on turning your

skull into an ashtray no we need to do

we need to build a team read them tough

morally flexible and young enough to

carry this franchise 10 to 12 you need

at oceans 14 mother of all team on with

three sheep with the original director

the party is an instrument of death no

no Peter I could be of great use what's

your superpower

got it that's adorable

all right I'll put out a call for

resumes but we're not paying medical or

dental it's time to get back on LinkedIn

hello I know you're in there must be

hard being the biggest guy in here

lonely at the top oh you're moving us

tomorrow maybe I can get you out of here

I can't make the whole world outage we

need a secret code

it's positioned all terrific meets

bedlam cool named superpowers I can

distort electrical fields including the

one inside your brain causing anxiety

confusion pain so basically you're Dave

Matthews we can use him I'm a zeitgeist

cool I like to say you have the power to

put your finger on the pulse of society

no you know I Spit a city Bowman oh do

you want me to demonstrate no thank you

yeah listen we've all eaten in RVs but

Vanisher haha nice right he's not here

is he

he may be running late my name's rusty

but I go by shatter star that's good

yeah yeah rusty is toughy terrible so

where you from the planet mojo world so

your let me you're an alien I guess how

does that help us I'm basically better

than you at everything just once I'm

gonna find a planet of people that are

worse than me at everything

whole budget functional idiots I'm gonna

go there I'm gonna be there Superman

isn't that Canada

you shut your goddamn trash mouth meet

Domino what's your shtick I'm lucky

that's not a superpower yeah it is no it

isn't yes it is no it isn't yeah I

didn't know it is yes it is no it isn't

yeah really isn't no it isn't yes it is

I'm not in your head looks like I'm in

an 11 year olds bedroom if you're so

lucky then what are you doing here with

us oh well I don't know yet what's that

supposed to mean there's a reason why

I'm here no no one I know everything

usually just kind of works out for me

you're hired

you're hired oh lucky me she's great and

last but not least

Peter why you can catfished here or any

powers you want to tell us about any uh

no I don't have a um I just saw the ad

no superpowers at all

I have both type 1 & 2 diabetes ow

oh that's all the div' right yeah you

got them all if you find a type 3 let us

know yeah you're in fulfilling work

convoy 17 departed the icebox remember

he's telling makes people soft I was

born into war bred into it okay what's

the most pain you never felt restraints

are pretty good a list we're gonna work

down together

number one I'm gonna bend something

something that was not meant to been

yeah I'm gonna stop you right there cuz

I'm not gonna make it to two I won't

even make it to one I don't do well with

paint you know I stub my toe I'm I'm

done for the day I cried when they

cancelled felicity yeah I don't want you

to hurt me and I'll tell you anything

anything you want to know except for

where they are Russell's in a convoy

heading southbound on Kure dug-in

Parkway the monsters with him and we

must intercept the convoy grab the boy

not inappropriately he would I would

mess with Deadpool either because he's

built a team he's unstoppable he'll stab

you with it watch out for this guy

cables very short 511 not like in the

comics and if we succeed we all go home

early so if you go after than cable I

warn you there's a wind advisory in

effect

I don't know much about this cable fella

but I guarantee he hasn't killed as many

people as melanoma has we're getting

close as a former x-man trainee Thank

You bedlam

I was always appalled by the blatant

sexism in the group's name x-men men the

point is our group will be

forward-thinking gender neutral from now

on we'll be known as x-force

hang the laundry out of 1300 feet

intercept the convoy grab the boy green

on the carnage baby give me on the

ground

watch me go I just I just want to say

how proud I am of this team you know you

guys look amazing banasur I have no

doubt you look amazing too and this is

the family that I've always dreamed of

having an egg garnished good sentai wins

Gary my name's Peter I realized that

you're new to this but relax you've been

chosen by a higher power did he just

call himself god I think you did jump

out of the plane because the light

breeze you're in the shit down mustache

I'm only yelling to impress the other

guys I've never let anything happen to

you sugar bear word

boy 12 o'clock

holy Bobby what them gorgeous sons of

bitches

shouter star okay you got this well I

guess we found something you're not

better at maybe the wind can't blow

really wait was that Benjamin Button

Brad Pitt how do you Brad Pitt you're

here aren't ya yeah I didn't agree to oh

hey Brad he's still locked in my storm

cellar along with Celine Dion and Matt

Damon like Shawshank down there Matt

Damon's in this shit just you go down

there first thing and just punch him as

hard as you can be you want to establish

dominance or that guy will own you and

quit burning our s words I've always

wanted to fight Matt Damon sorry what

did you say what did I say

I thought you said Damon I did I want to

Damon wonder what I want to know and

then if I'm doing a good job I want all

my friends and family to come watch me

tell me more about that

well I feel like if we each other you

know in private kind of work out our

moves then we cut sell some tickets and

we get an arena you know and then we've

each other in the arena we get outfits

you know like cool outfits and we

colored everyone's cheering and betting

on who's gonna throw the hardest and

then when it's all done this would be a

champion and it'll be like I think I'll

win because I'm like a real wait no

lay off Matt Damon you've been too hard

and I'm gonna say no I got a little more

left in me and I'm gonna I mean I'm

gonna

why are you buzzing that cuz I feel like

you're making it sound like I'm saying

something I'm not saying what are you

saying I'm saying I want to fight Matt

Damon oh you should've said so Matt

Damon Oh see crazy why did he ask about

me no okay all right we could do this

before

sugarbear you got this buddy never

underestimate a man with a mustache just

ask anyone in Brooklyn superhero you

where did the rest of the team land good

news and bad news bad news is the whole

team is dead the good news is I don't

think anyone's gonna miss shadow star he

was a bit of a prick

oh but Paul Peter Peter

I miss him most the hull team only the

main ones we're still good you are so

down even after all this time I still

can't talk about it and who knew these

winds would be so strong

everyone everyone on the helicopter and

everyone not on the helicopter

they're headed into the tunnel on that

kids only hope so sit tight drop it in

that's a negative sole survivor luck is

not a superpower seriously I don't get

it

what is shoot luck lasers out

it's just hard to picture and certainly

not very cinematic

I need the luck what kind of Kathy

German diet sodas will intrigue with

that little drop

once again it all falls on my shoulders

it's why I'm cursed to be a solo act

wander the earth I'm sorry what did you

say amen

how in the name of Satan are you in

already okay six

where I can't see him Russell Russell

Connor

you can play that

got it Showtime mama

ouch

hang in there come

give me that my skeeball I guess dubstep

never dies you killed blacktop

somebody knows could I take give me your

best shot what I'd really

oh those were like super fast here we go

knock-knock

that's my boy

Oh

I'll be first to admit this did not go

according to plan

I'll also be the first to admit that

that plan was written in crayon looks

like Russell found a new friend

turns out Domino's a bit of a badass and

maybe possibly mildly lucky but cable

leash that guys in the mood mood that is

about to get significantly worse

but something is so terribly terribly

wrong oh man that hurts

Russell Russ where are you

Russell Russell you okay

oh thank god my god juggernaut I thought

that was you

I should have worn my white pants you

probably get this a lot but I am a huge

fan on JT x-men one of these three Thor

411 x-men unlimited 12 you know it is

always been a dream of mine to see my

face reflected in your helmet is you

charged at me with murderous intent I

don't mean right now I'm gonna rip you

in half now

Oh Donna vessel I have a mission to get

my revenge I'm going to burn that hit

Massa remind you're not the revenge type

take it from a friend friend you City

yourself I'm not your friend

find someone stronger so I did Russell I

couldn't protect you back then but I can

now what do you want me to say huh I

care about you cuz I care about you

Russell

what's juggernaut got that I don't have

don't you say legs I know you're gonna

say legs legs still hurts then you're

out loud what is that that's what is

that's not a real rope you get back here

young man Dobbs Dobbs get me out of here

please use my arms as backpack straps I

think we may have found your cosmic

reason for being here I'm pretty sure

this isn't it

no child is hopeless don't give up under

God how could he just walk away

it was the calmness in his eyes he

should have heard it whose family really

is an F word oh my legs mama please

they hurt have growing pains wouldn't

know why is your hands so tiny again

it's not my hand Oh Mary mother Joseph

that was nice for me wait huh where

wouldn't you cover that up

a warrior has nothing to be ashamed of

how would you do I mean look at you

you're just straight just fall went into

poo it's toddler style yes sir

hold on hold on what if the top half of

Deadpool is growing baby legs does that

mean the bottom half is growing a baby

head well I don't see why that matters I

think it matters a lot I mean if you

want us to buy the regeneration thing

you got to address it are there two dead

tools now and if so what's the other one

doing and is he like you you just yet

have the same personality as you or the

same memories and if he does then is he

gonna re-enter the plot later cuz he

should you're really freaking me out

right now and if that one got cut in

half then it'd be three dead tools I

mean you could see what all falls apart

and quite frankly why I prefer Marvel we

are marvel ha-ha-hilarious your Fox

described it I wouldn't ask me to do

that it's like um there we go it's like

he's a muppet from the waist down but

this time you can see them up it's twig

no no no DP not again

this is happened before mhm whoa Dobin

you're either vomit or job the

indecision is killing me but couldn't

God take my hair oh wow cool your pits

they're growing back I'm talking about

your face I've never seen you without

your mask before Jesus Christ looks like

an avocado your legs though

they're cute you want to buy our pair of

pants I'm glad everybody dropped by you

must be wondering why I didn't call you

here I'll tell you why I'm here

The Time Traveller's wife's husband beat

me within an inch of my life he was

torturing me but all I told him was

everything he wanted to know so I'm here

to help us gear up so we can go out for

him without me no I'm doing this alone

the juggernaut will kill you all fair

enough

I don't care what you kid did to me I

let in cable get to him I just need a

couple of hours to get some legs under

me what will you do the first order of

business is to get me in front of cable

so I can pull all the blood out of his

body and fashion his bones into holiday

jewelry then I'm gonna take his skin and

stretch it out over a homemade mating

drum he's standing right behind you

isn't he

what in the ass is this apartment listed

on tinder grinder you're much taller in

the comics is that really necessary

what can we help you with

I'm here to proposition you oh boy he's

really teeing it up isn't who gets to

make the first joke

I think we shall do it at the same time

good car 4:45 performance wait wait wait

wait wait I want to do mine over give us

the line again I need your help and

trust me I'm even less happy about this

than you are but you and wheeze the

juggernaut I can't bring him down alone

so you're we are well we're no longer

accepting applications for x-force

unfortunately we don't have a lot of

time your friends about to make his

first kill no offense but if you know so

much why not travel back to when he was

a baby

kill him then here's a device to slide

through time the longer I travel the

harder it is to control I got two

charges one to get me here wanted to get

me home ah that's just lazy writing oh

yeah I get it I see what you did there

what jokes about lazy writing to cover

up actual lazy writing why don't you

just write better why don't you just

shut up your boys gonna kill the

headmaster of the orphanage tonight

after that he gets a real taste for him

like a ten-year-old kirsten dunst

so he keeps going and going

until one day he kills the wrong people

my people relax

retrieve do something for my utility

daddy it's a god damn fanny pack and you

know it you sick son of a bitch the

difference is night and day you remind

me of my wife I'm sorry I'm citing he

said that while making heavy eye contact

and applying lip balm

she always traveled she was funny

filtered her pain through the prism of

humor something I could never master it

was my fault she died

it was my job to stop people like him

I came close a few times

I wasn't too happy about that he was

trying to hurt me knew exactly by my

head I came into my home and took the

only thing that made it home sound

familiar

I'm sorry no I'm really sorry that isn't

Russell it doesn't have to be he knew

and I knew yeah he's got anger issues

maybe a small learning disability splash

of diabetes but nothing that can't be

fixed nothing to go back and stop the

people that took your girl would you of

course I would but I wouldn't kill it

cannot asking you to kill a kid I'll

kill the kid I'm asking you to save a

hundreds of other kids Russell's gonna

burn down that orphanage and I can

imagine your dead girlfriend would want

you to do the right thing wouldn't she

so what's he gonna be handsome give me a

chance to save him what you said once he

kills someone he gets a taste for it if

we can get to him before that happens

promise you give me a chance to put him

on a different path define chance I

don't know how long does it take to save

someone's soul that's 90 30 seconds that

what no best I can do take it or leave

it

he's doing it look at the little fella

he's doing him there he goes

you go little fella go on you're doing a

beautiful hairless Twitter leg baby boy

sister 30 seconds

the deal

I have no idea what's happened and that

is why you never eat a raw starfish it's

just common sense where the hell are we

going you said it yourself

nothing can stop the juggernaut meet

back up I will bathe can you turn off

the music you'll do no such thing

why don't you just say it in Indian

accent I'm sorry apology accepted

this is Sai to you I do not like let me

guess some of your best friends in the

future are Indian once again intolerance

rears its ugly head I am so sorry

it gets better I'm not a racist moron

precisely little racist would say I'm

with the old white guy on this one

that's a twist so what exactly do you do

in the future anyway huh some kind of

soldier yeah something like that

that was a soldier Special Forces I bet

50 years from now we're bestest buddies

50 years from now you're very dead your

entire generation failed this planet

into a coma boom

spoiler alert planets there's a spoiler

I should have finished cards you just an

annoying balloon dressed up as a sex toy

well I Got News for you my heart is in

the right place Russell's not gonna kill

anyone because of me he's gonna know

what real love looks like cuz he you

always know what a grown man with baby

balls looks like I'm a grower not a

shower

god I wish it's where a bus record post

ringing get out the good thing cables

not driving or you'd be in the back

I made mistakes I want to take him back

you trusted me I took that trust and

turned it into a toilet stall in an

airport bathroom one in Minneapolis you

know the one

but even you know I was once an x-man

trainee you're still using my Belle

Crowe labels oh they do stick better

than tape please don't say whatever it

is you're here to say make it quick

right quick it's this kid just like you

I let him down and just like me he's

never had anyone sacrifice anything for

him because the entire world wrote him

off a long time ago

look he's teamed up with a juggernaut

mm-hmm juggernaut who's like my favorite

Marvel character ever been hi Yukio that

was really nice of you to say hi so I'm

saying hi back you guys make a super

cute couple

yeah where was I oh yeah you should

never meet your heroes because honestly

he causes nothing but problems

look you can stop the juggernaut I know

you you know what would happen to me if

I helped you I would be disgraced you

were a criminal a fugitive but worst of

all you broke my heart

wait you know what your hearts in the

wrong place big guy like doing the right

thing it's sometimes messy and screwed

up and not particularly convenient so

stay here in chateau de virgin while we

go get our game on

so you wear that helmet because your

brother tries to read your mind yeah but

he's in a wheelchair so even steven

someone's coming

it's Russell sir and he's not alone sure

the children

they or not replace us watch my back I

got the old man amen time to make the

chimichangas thirty Seconds but finally

no I'm here I was raised in this place

look not raised those tortured Wow

it's your cosmic reason for being here

shall we it's gonna be fine Hey we need

to ask you what's with the dirty

disgusting hobo bear it's not dirt it's

the blood of my dead daughter

are you bare god It's Me Margaret

get me some they say laughter heals

anything except of course that you

should just cue the music

welcome home this we missed Russell you

don't need to do this let's talk why are

you dressed like the Unabomber that's

why I comes too far gone zip it ya know

so we have a deal and you forgot hey I'm

gonna stop that cab driver right up your

tailpipe you should probably head back

to the car

it works best when you pull the trigger

now under the shove the red guide up the

old guy

hey big guy real low

you you you came for me I'm not giving

up on you and you are not giving up on

that boy who says that rules aren't

meant to be broken

it's time to fight dirty time is sweeter

like Johnny hey they put someone your

own size such a you thing to say go get

a bagger big CGI fight coming up he's

doing break

awesome great bunch of arms pedophiles

and nursing shoes I said who are you hi

my hair

why are you annoying little

only bits bodies execute pedophiles

together need a bus to get you out here

horses

it's time to join up with such power

what's all quick

wait yes I killed anyone yet what more

do you need to steal he's just a kid

with tick tock meters running

I'm gonna make a necklace out of your

teeth

that's how we do it in Mother Russia

they say well it was the hardest to

reach oh no you're doing amazing he dies

tonight Wade you can't stop me even runs

like a pervert I got on my predator lost

his laptop one bullet left in that gun I

got this let's talk does that that go

this way that piece of shit he deserves

to die for what he did to you he hurt

you badly well look if you kill him he

wins you become everything he says you

are but worse and just a kid you won't

hurt anyone isn't too late don't do it

I never should've left you here I never

left you that print

I can't trust

stop me white I got one more idea it's

just a really bad one even for me wait

what are you doing this is for all the

marbles kid you're gonna kill someone

today listen on to wicked and it's

tomorrow so you gotta hang on to

Oh tell me they got that in slow motion

oh that's not good

no sir

you sacrifice yourself for me yeah but

it was the best thing I ever did yeah I

told you I care about you you're a good

kid Russell hey bear it worked because

of you no wait because of you stop stop

stop stop

just just let it happen

okay I guess I guess my heart was

finally in the right place oh so messed

up sorry I'm so sorry oh we have a ton

of Eva's happened for a while yeah

please just don't leave me I don't want

to die without an audience we are not

going anywhere

Oh No economy is watching you papa

Hey

before I go oh sorry I got a bit more in

me

Domino yeah what you to have my

adventuretime watch turns out then I'm

the lucky one

thank you hey Sabrina the Teenage Witch

it has been a pleasure how do you heal

you

chrome bone I haven't always been the

best friend you but you've always been

that to me so thank you you saved me

have for it for me just once

come on let's do it together it's no big

deal here we go one two three fuck fuck

Wow

enjoy hell swamp mouth and you Gable God

you get back to your family she's

telling Wayne says huh and promise me

promise me one thing you start judging

people not by the color of their skin

but by the content of their character

Jesus our dog look

family is not an F word all right that's

one out there for you just keep looking

okay

guys for a second there we made a pretty

good team oh can you see it

do you see that beautiful bright light

there it is

well that's the Sun don't stare directly

into that save a few friend words

do you want to build this okay

talk it away

I don't know what I'm to say I'll say it

anyway today is another day to find you

shying away I'll be coming for your love

okay

sorry I'm late there's a bunch of

handi-capable children it was tough now

II know but I did have to help me yeah

he's got a terrible that's just awful

tried to tell him this is heaven

okay slowly learning that the life is

okay and say after me that's no better

to be safe than sorry

let's do so much

what is it what's wrong it's not time

what do you mean it's not segment I'm

here I made it

no no no no I'm staying I'm not going

anywhere without you it's okay there's a

time for us that's just not now they

need you who you ask word

why you'll find out hey I'll be coming

for you anyway kiss me like you miss me

right come here

hold the mustard are you crying no yes

you want I'm not

you got emotion juice coming out of your

eye holes that's not me I'm not crying I

think it's this dusty soundstage or

bedroom it's a dusty bedroom thank you

that's normal you know caught off guard

oh there is more I would love to read it

to you Fred Savage

once again we picked up the love of his

life he's approached ibly shredded arms

I'll be waiting it's pretty awesome up

here I can have anything I want

can everyday the International Women's

Day it is heaven time to make the

chimichangas hey you need ask you what's

with the creepy dirty hobo bearers my

daughter's teddy bear her name is hope

well somebody swiped right Oh tell me

they got that in slow motion

ah you sacrificed yourself for me yeah

what Steve hey huh

genuine high-grade led you time sliding

son-of-a-bitch you did this for me wait

you can't go back you needs to last your

fuel what about your girl your wife well

my family's safe I didn't do it for you

I'm gonna stick around for a while make

sure world doesn't shit itself into

oblivion oh you did it for me I didn't

fine

alright let's flip a coin okay heads did

it for me tails you did it for me I'm

not even gonna look because you did it

for me we must get the cool little

forget it it's no use these collars

don't just come off wait I have an idea

oh no no no no no let's not do that

please I'd rather die of cancer let's

just oh gosh they do say the pen is

grosser than the sword oh we need a code

try a 7 settle down captain lucky it's

not gonna be one number god that lazy

right here put that back in your prison

wallet I don't know how to thank you but

I do know how to hug you know yes there

we go forget it

come on harvested pelvis let's go Tommy

Tommy there we go

kids call this tummy is there a knife in

my lower extremities a knife in your leg

yeah I don't need to go for Yentl Jen

like that never happened

let's go home Russell

your souls are beyond redemption

let's see your soul / no no no more

we're better than that we're better than

him

no more senseless violence no more

bloodshed let karma take care of I'm

gonna miss him you seem great I bet you

do Brown we should leave before the

budget now wakes up you guys come with

us no we'll get the kids back to the

mansion besides we're x-men no your ex

people you're exhausting let's see what

you did there buns are door's always

open

that's kind but I'm not ready to date

again let alone two women huh baby by

Yukio what do you get when you take

eight feet of chrome 1 pinch of courage

a cup of good luck a dab of racism a

splash of diabetes and a wheelbarrow

full of stage 4 cancer

answer a family see I didn't lie what

kind of film this was there's anything

you take away today other than the need

to Google what the heck is dubstep it's

that we all need to belong to someone

baby I just don't know what to do

okay Oh

after credit scenes I love after credit

scene II feel so private you know cuz

it's just you and everyone's leopard but

you know something you stayed

something so small generates enough

energy to reverse 200

just fix it 11 or I'll take it to the

Genius Bar Cape was gonna kill you when

he finds out never heard of him

why do you think I'm helping him the

Lord works in mysterious ways

Donna a good day baby bar ukyo that was

probably a bad idea

I hope you sharpen the cream cheese

spreader I'll be right back

we're definitely naming our kids walk

away just walk away but we're x4 we're

not X force is just a marketing tool

designed by Fox executives to keep josh

brolin employed it doesn't exist all

right well this has been pretty scary

and I need to feed my cat

go home sugar bear go home okay will you

give Domino my email

who's that you striker found you figured

out how to shut you up

hey it's me don't scratch just clean it

up the time lines welcome to the big

leagues kid

you're welcome Canada

you have to turn back

what's left to say expressing working

anymore everyone shouting what's the

left to do with these broken pieces

watching all these streets go

can you use these tears to put out the

fire in my soul

cuz I need you

the end just in time because I've lost

almost all feeling in my legs whoo

nobody feel fine can I go as you wish

come on take it slow take it slow baby

step I give you my legs I give you my

legs you've been asleep for three days

buddy three days three days so long