Original subtitles

ZOEY: They say bad things come in threes,

and, sadly, I had become living proof of that.

Enduring a betrayal from my best friend and boyfriend...

You knew they were hooking up, and you kept it from me?

Not my secret to share.

♪ I'm too busy ♪

...a cheating scandal with my chemistry final...

♪ Wishing for some luck ♪

...which led to a financial crisis with my dad.

I'm cutting you off, Zoey.

...that hit harder than when the Internet

made Blockbuster its bitch.

Thankfully, I had resolved my first two issues.

♪ They say I gotta wait ♪

♪ Wait it out, wait it out ♪

And even though my dad had cut off my credit cards...

Declined?

...I wasn't worried.

It's only a matter of time before my dad rolls over

and basically begs for my forgiveness.

In fact, I bet that there is a guilt gift

waiting on my doorstep.

- [Clang] - Eh?

What is he doing to my baby?!

[Singsong voice] Hi, sir. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Um, I-I-I know that this is faculty parking,

but everyone knows that Professor Diaz

never uses this spot since she's in rehab

for scratcher tickets.

Look, the owner of the car requested the tow.

Mm, fun fact...

I am actually the owner of the car.

Well, then, I'm just doing what you told me to...

- Oh? - ...Andre Johnson.

[Breathes deeply]

Dad?!

You know what?

I bet he is taking this car away

to replace it with a more expensive, newer one.

That's how a good guilt gift works, right?

- [Engine starts] - Right?

No!

Oh, God! Remember me!

♪♪

[Sighs]

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ Learn something new every day ♪

♪ I don't know, so I'm-a feel my way ♪

♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪

♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

- ♪ I'm grown ♪ - ♪ You can tell me ♪

♪ My heart beating so loud ♪

♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

Repo'ing my car?

Low blow, Andre Johnson. Low. Blow.

I mean, I knew this man had a petty bone,

but this is another level.

Like "Blac Chyna having a whole-ass revenge baby"

type level.

But it's okay because your girl

has some other tricks up her sleeve.

Okay.

♪♪

♪♪

All right. Well, then, time for Plan B.

♪♪

I feel so unloved.

Is this how my other siblings feel?

[Groans]

Cut off? So, what does this mean?

Do you have to, like, drop out of school?

No. My mom said they'll still cover tuition,

housing, books,

but everything else...

my clothing, my groceries,

my Japanese soda subscription box...

- I'm completely on my own. - Mm.

Girl, please.

You're over here whining when your parents

are still covering your basic needs?

Yeah, we literally have to run for our lives

to support ourselves.

We're in a four-year version of "The Hunger Games."

But what should I do?

TOGETHER: Get. A. Job. Bitch.

Um, [chuckles] okay. I already have one.

Does no one here remember the Zoey Johnson Styling Experience?

TOGETHER: Get. A. Real. Job. Bitch.

Who said you could clap with us?

I just kind of went for it.

It's fun.

♪♪

Look, there's a million different things you could do.

Like this one.

You could be a tutor.

"Sophomore seeking help with chemistry."

Oh, you put this one up.

I'm just gonna put ya back where I found ya.

Hang in there, little buddy. Okay.

What about dog walking?

I can't walk dogs in Givenchy.

Then change your shoes and fix your life.

Yeah, Zoey,

stop acting like you're too good for all of this.

Everybody has a hustle.

Doug works at the bookstore,

Aaron's got his whole R.A. thing...

I mean, even Vivek works in the Cal U branch

of the Sinaloa Cartel, but don't tell anyone.

Uh, right, allow me to reintroduce myself.

I'm Zoey Johnson.

I interned for Teen Vogue.

We had an espresso machine.

Every day I'd get a double-small, bone-dry cap

with extra foam and extra hot.

Which was served to me...

- ...by another intern. - Mm-hmm.

Any of this would be taking a step backwards.

I can't even look at her right now.

Can you please just guide my hand

to her face?

Okay, all I'm asking for is a job that vibes

with all of this. Look.

How about what vibes

with all of this?

It's gonna take a whole lot more than twenty grand

to loot this temple.

Um, for twenty grand,

I'd go up there right now and get those eggs my damn self.

You know that thing is made mostly of butter.

I'd ballpark six hundo cals.

What did I tell you about counting my calories?

I just care about you, man.

- Stop. - Oh. Brava!

Brava! Brava!

- Dicks. Absolute dicks. The both of you. - Hit me up, right? Come on.

- No, I will not. Thank you. - You know what?

Yes, we had sex.

That's nice.

How's your little brunch going?

It's good.

I wish he'd eat better.

Could you get off my meal plan?

You'll have to excuse them, Ana.

They're, uh, incredibly stupid,

and also going through very long, dusty, dry spells.

Isn't that right, boys?

Anti-facts. I. Am. Good.

Facts. I. Am. Horny.

Ew.

I'm all right to admit I'm in a dry spell.

But I will end it, and when I do,

I'm gonna strut right over there

- and do the "Shield Challenge." - The what?

Your lover doesn't know about the "Shield Challenge"?

Well, she does now.

Bro, communication is key, guys.

I mean, you know, if you're gonna make it.

What the idiots are talking about

is that it's a time-honored Cal U tradition

for, you know, two people, if they have feelings,

uh, to beautifully consummate...

Until you tear it up under the Titan Shield,

you're not considered a real Titan.

- Essentially, yeah. - [Laughing] Wait. What?

I-I think it's juvenile and stupid.

Right. So stupid that you took our boy Marcus to Benihana

once he smashed under the Shield.

Coffee. We need coffee.

You want coffee? Let's...

Wait. Are you a "real Titan"?

Uh... not yet.

Yo, you hear that?

We're goin' to Benihana, my G!

- Unh! - Yeah!

♪ Freedom ♪

Even though my dad had cut me off

and Jazz was trying to "Handmaid's Tale" my fertility,

I still landed on my feet...

or should I say my YSL heels?

♪ Oh, I'm feeling like ♪

So, Luca used some of his connections to call in a favor

and got me a job at a high-end boutique,

which means your girl gets to work with clothes,

clothes get to work with me, and not to jump the gun, but...

[Singsong voice] ...career starter!

♪ A superstar ♪

♪ Oh, I'm feeling like ♪

WOMAN: Maybe not her eyes, but she totally did...

...something to her...

You white girls do not know how to snack.

Like, do you come out the womb eating pumpkin-flavored crap?

You know, you don't need to eat my snacks

that I bought with my money.

They just taste better when other people buy them.

- [Door opens] - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, my God. - Wow.

That's what you wore on your first day?

You must've killed it.

And those feet.

Well, you know, I wish my boss appreciated

all the effort I put in as much as you guys.

Unfortunately, she couldn't see past her envy

and told me to go home... forever.

What?

Yeah, I got fired.

Oh.

♪♪

You got fired?!

Zoey, you were there for, like, four hours.

I've heard worse. Our cousin Speedy got fired

after forty-five minutes at Pep Boys.

Mm-hmm. Got caught in the bathroom huffin' Bondo

and drinking windshield-wiper fluid.

I can't with Cousin Speedy right now.

- R.I.P. - All right, guys.

As much as I appreciate the deep dive

on your family's work/death history,

I think we need to let Zoey speak.

- Okay. Mm-hmm. - The floor of shame is yours.

Well, there's not much to tell...

other than I got fired for...

not folding.

Oh.

Zoey, what are you doing?

Look, I styled the mannequin!

Why?

I hired you to fold.

Already did it.

Great. Fold them again.

Uh, but it's already folded,

and this mannequin was sitting here,

screaming for my help.

I styled that mannequin.

Mm.

Well, the funny story

about this [chuckling] very mannequin

is that it was sitting here, screaming, "Hey! Help me.

I've been styled too good!"

So... A-plus on that.

Listen, I hired you to fold. So fold.

And when you're done, shake out the folded T-shirts

and fold them again.

Am I being clear?

Very. [Chuckles nervously]

♪♪

Oh.

Wow. Even Cousin Speedy respected authority.

The shirts are already folded!

And I just don't see the point of folding and unfolding.

I want to advise and style

and earn commission and just be fabulous!

Yeah, but, Zoey, it sounds like you were hired to fold...

...and then shut up, and then fold some more.

[Whimpers]

You know what? It's all for the best

because I learned that I am better at boutique shopping

than boutique working.

And it's fine because I will find something even more dope.

Zoey, honey, listen to me.

Egg harvesting is hella dope.

Why are you so obsessed with selling my eggs?

Why are you so obsessed with keeping your eggs?

♪♪

Aww.

Look at all the Shield lovers

who have carved their initials in here.

Ooh! [Breathes sharply]

What is that smell?

Ugh.

Look, it's just a stupid tradition.

Like, if it makes you uncomfortable,

- we don't have to... - No. No, no.

Torres women do not back down from a challenge.

But, I mean, if you wanna punk out...

Me? Pssh. What?

I would go right now, broad daylight,

butt-naked, no problem.

- No, please don't. - You sure?

Yeah, no, we... we have a plan.

- Let's stick to it. - Okay.

Under the cover of night, so...

you bring a blanket, and I will bring...

the sanitizer.

- Good. - Lots of sanitizer.

[Chuckling] Yeah.

♪♪

Okay.

[Sniffs]

Why would I do that?

♪ Looked to the sky ♪

Since high-end retail was clearly threatened by me,

it was time to find a gig that really appreciated

what Zoey Johnson had to offer.

After scouring the Internet and finding nothing

but entry-level, minimum-wage weekend jobs,

I finally found something that would fit my vibe.

ZOEY: So, yeah, it's not the most conventional job,

but I'm getting paid twenty-five dollars an hour

to be living, breathing art.

I'm practically napping in a five-star hotel,

which, T.B.H., is something I'd totally do for free.

I'm pretty much robbing them.

[Chuckles]

♪ I could have done you the same ♪

♪ Disgusted by everything you became ♪

♪ Now I'm looking decapitated ♪

♪ You sent me your salutations ♪

♪ I never could value favorites ♪

♪ That's not in my calculations ♪

[Gasps]

♪♪

[Whispering] It's Zoey.

Um, hey, I'm gonna go put our names down

at the oyster bar.

All right. Uh,

I'm gonna go find management

and make a complaint about Box Girl

- because that is bullshit. - [Scoffs] Yeah, it is.

So, is there, like... like, a secret hatch

that you just... tsh... drop out of, or how does that...

Oh, whatever. Can we rewind for a second?

Are you, like, on a date right now?

With our professor?

I mean, first of all, hey!

And, second of all...

Look, it's not just a date, okay?

We're kind of seeing each other.

And she's not even our professor anymore, so...

But she's still a faculty member.

Okay, look, can we not talk about this right now?

'Cause Paige is gonna start

- wondering where I am... - "Paige"? Wow.

Are... Are you kidding? You're on a first-name basis?

Mm-hmm. Yes, I am,

because it would be really weird

to call her "Professor Hewson" on a date.

And what does she call you? Right?

Like... "Nomi"?

God, please, please don't be weird about this.

Please don't be weird about this.

But it is a little weird!

- It's a little bit weird? - Mm-hmm.

Is it a little bit weirder

than you being paid to sit in a box, like human veal,

dressed like an anime character?

Well, [scoffs] okay.

I guess since it's "real talk" time, I'll say it.

What you're doing feels wrong.

No, actually, it... it feels very wrong.

Yeah, there she is!

There's Judgmental Zoey.

If it doesn't fit in your little world view

of what you think is okay, you crap all over it.

Well, if I'm so wrong, then why is this some secret?

I'm not doing this right now.

Why? 'Cause you're doing our professor?

♪♪

It's kind of funny, isn't it?

Hmm?

It's actually the perfect job for you:

doing nothing while looking down on everybody else.

♪♪

♪♪

Here's the weird thing about human aquariums...

Turns out you have a lot of time

to think while you're inside one.

And what I realized is that I'd been acting pretty gross

and stuck-up to my girls about this whole work thing.

And as much as I thought Nomi was making some wrong decisions

in her personal life,

she was right about one thing...

I was capable of more than sitting in a box

and looking pretty.

[Sighs] Dude, it's so cold.

Is it?

Your teeth are chattering.

No, this is arousal.

This is what happens when I get aroused.

- Oh, okay. - Yeah.

Um, I'm gonna do some recon, get the blanket down,

blood flowing, mood going.

All right.

Hold on. Okay.

[Grunting]

How is it?

Uh, it's good, you know.

Um, I mean, well, it's not much better.

Okay, is the blanket down? Because I'm coming in.

Ana, hold up. Please.

Okay. All right. What's up?

- [Groans] - What? Is something dead in there?!

Yeah, romance.

What are we doing?

What are you talking about? We're becoming real Titans.

Yeah, but why?

- Because it's fun? - Is it?

Well, no. So far, it's not.

I don't know. I just don't think that we...

we should or that we have to.

Do you not want to do it?

Or do you just not want to do it with me?

What? No. I want to do it a lot,

uh, with you everywhere.

It's just, this place is a little...

I don't know... beneath us.

Beneath you, anyway.

I'm sorry, but that is the nicest thing

anyone has ever said to me...

about public sex.

Right.

So, you want to get out of here?

- Yeah. - All right.

You wanna get something to eat, then?

Huh? No, I thought we could still,

you know, do nasty stuff.

Just wanna do it in a warm bed

that doesn't smell like bad decisions, you know?

Oh, then we're definitely just going to my room, then.

What does that mean?

♪♪

[Sighs] So, I tried the job board again,

and, as tempting as selling my eggs is,

I needed to sell something that wouldn't lead

to a possible knock on my door in eighteen years.

Hey. Got you something.

Most of these are used.

Oh, no, I can promise you they've never been used.

- Okay. - [Cash register beeping]

Here's, uh, $38 for your troubles.

What?! No! No, this is so not cool.

What can I buy with this? A carton of milk?

I need more money.

We're hiring.

Ew.

I was trying to give you the hook-up,

but I see you're on your little bougie tip, so... yeah.

I'm sorry. I... That came off the wrong way.

I didn't mean it like that.

You did.

Look, I'm not just here to be stacking books.

I'm studying the ins and outs of running a business.

Okay, but I'm not trying to run a bookstore.

I'm trying to run the fashion world,

and... I don't know... this just doesn't seem like

the path to fashion greatness.

Zoey, you're taking a shortcut to the end game,

but you're skipping your opening move.

Okay, not true.

I got a job at a great boutique,

and, legit, all they wanted me to do

was fold and refold already-folded shirts.

Great. Then you should have folded the shit

out of the T-shirts.

But I saw the opportunity to do something better.

But that wasn't your job.

Maybe if you would've done your job and worked hard,

they would've noticed,

and you would have got an opportunity

to do something doper.

Building blocks to greatness...

patience and work ethic, B.

♪♪

Do they sell those here?

I got thirty-eight dollars.

Mm.

Yeah, beds are better.

Hot take on beds: They are dope.

- [Sighs] - For sure.

Um, so, any regrets about last night?

None.

I mean, it would have been cool

to etch our initials on the Shield's wall of fame, but...

- Yeah. - ...it's okay.

- I'll get over it. - [Chuckles]

[Chloe x Halle's "Who Knew" plays]

[Marker rattles]

What are you doing?

[Marker scratching]

There.

Now we have our own wall of fame.

There you go.

Dude, did you just write on my lamp?

Yeah. It's, uh, the lamp of fame now.

"Double A."

[Gasps]

That could be our nickname.

You know, like Kim-ye or Bey-Z.

- Aww. - Mm-hmm.

- All good couples have one. - Mm-hmm.

♪ Who would have thought that I could feel this way? ♪

♪ This way about you ♪

♪ Da-da-da, da-da, da-da ♪

I realized I'd spent so long trying to find the right job

to fit my vibe, but what I should have been doing

was finding the right attitude to fit the job.

- Excuse me? - Yeah?

Do you know where I can find a copy

of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"?

That would be in fiction.

But we also have the Blu-ray up front

if you're anything like me and lukewarm on reading.

[Gasps] Oh!

We have a sale on the "Keeping it Tight-ans" tank tops.

If you were to cut the collar

and, like, knot the extra fabric in the back,

it'd look so cute on you.

Thanks!

Yeah. Over there.

♪ But I get light when you're talking to me ♪

It wasn't the glam job I was hoping for,

but it was the job I needed.

Maybe taking an entry-level job seriously and excelling at it

- was my path to greatness. - [Camera shutter clicks]

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ You would say things, wouldn't listen ♪

♪ But I listen now ♪

♪ You would call me, started falling ♪

♪ 'Cause it's different now ♪

♪ You would say things, I would listen ♪

♪ I would listen ♪

Ever heard of the "Cal U Shield Challenge"?

You're not a Titan 'til you've taken it!

Nah. Hard pass.

Hey, Queen. You interested in becoming a Cal U legend?

- With you? - It's fine.

Just let history forget about you.

♪♪

Are you trying to smash in there?

Are you offering?

Are you on the basketball team?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

♪♪

We goin' to Benihana!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com