Original subtitles

Gary: Troy, did you unplug my monitor?

Troy: I'm sorry. I did it -- with my foot.

I'm sorry. Oh! Oh!

Ow! God!

Oh!

Thank you, Percy.

[ Percy squeaks ]

Oh, holy shit.

This is really nice.

[ Glass shatters ] Look at this.

[ Fetuses cooing ]

Giddyap, horsy. Come on!

Hey, guys. Gary!

Look what I got!

It's noisy paper.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ] [ Wrap popping ]

[ Laughter in distance ]

[ Popping continues ]

Whoo! Gary!

Some of us are trying to work, and the sound is insane!

So, please, take it away from them.

You want me to take away the only pleasure

they've ever had in their never-lived lives?

Yeah -- No, I will not do it.

-Yay! -Whoo-hoo!

Then I will, 'cause I have authority

over anything that's over negative six months old, okay?!

Fully formed people are trying to work.

Take your hands off our bubble wrap!

Aagh!

It's fine.

Oh. Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just put the gun down.

I don't know how you got it.

Okay, I understand that he's a doodie-head --

Aah!

[ Grunts ]

I got shot!

♪♪

So, apparently, that blob of hamburger meat

got this gun at a gun show down here.

Since when do we have gun shows? They don't like to be

called hamburger meat, Claude. They're accidents.

Why don't you just hit the undo button on them?

They have souls, too, Claude. They have nowhere to go.

They were never born, so they were never baptized.

Nobody wants 'em. Yeah, I don't want them,

especially next to my cube.

I mean, the world is better off without them.

There's actually a really interesting passage

in "Freakonomics" that you should -- Yeah, hold that.

Hey, Gary, buddy. How you doing?

I hustled down as soon as I heard.

[ Groans ] It's been three months.

You have my thoughts and prayers.

Heard you got shot in the dick.

I got shot in the hip. I understand.

It's embarrassing to say you got shot in the dick,

so you're saying "hip."

It's okay, but you might want to change

the dressing on your "hip,"

because it's bleeding into your dick.

I've been degraded enough. Hey, listen.

I just wanted to tell you, I am taking steps

to ensure that something like this never happens again.

Hell is going to be a safer place for all eternity.

Stay strong -- Gary strong!

We're making bracelets for you. You are?

No, I hate you, you [bleep] piece of shit.

Satan: All right. Keep it moving.

Single file. One gun apiece.

Remember, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun

is a good guy with a gun -- That's it.

So, everybody just gets a gun, even the presidential assassins?

Yes. Even the school shooters?

Yes, absolutely. The undiagnosed schizophrenics?

The terrorists? Definitely. All those guys.

Idi Amin and the Nazis? Yes, of course.

And Harpo or Zeppo or whoever the [bleep] this is?

Yeah. The skinheads?

This guy gets a gun.

This guy. This man!

He's a wizard.

Hey, Troy. Hey, how you doing.

No, no, no. What?

Not these dicks.

Oh, definitely these dicks. No.

Do you have the guns to make the bullets go fast,

like -- like pap, pap, pap, pap?!

Of course I do! It's an AR-15 with a bump stock.

Knock yourself out.

How are they even gonna shoot that thing?

Their fingers are stuck together.

They can't even pull the trigger.

My brain has hemispheres.

Who are you to tell me I don't get to have a gun?!

One gun for Gary Bunda.

Make it loaded.

You, of all people,

you haven't learned one lesson about guns?

Give me a goddamn gun!

'Cause if I had a gun that day when Rainbow Pie shot me,

I would have shot that gun out of his hands,

and I wouldn't be here right now like this.

♪♪

This is so wrong. No one's forcing you.

If you don't want a gun, you don't have to have one.

I don't need a gun.

I'm just saying, what is to prevent

some lunatic just from coming--

whoa! Shane, knock it off!

[ Gunfire ]

All right, everybody grab a gun, protect yourselves.

Hurry up.

[ Gunfire ]

[ Martial music plays ]

♪♪

Diiiiiie!

♪♪

Come on, come on, come on, come on!

♪♪

Perfect.

I will shot you in the -- in the --

in the dick, Rainbow Pie.

Diarrhea's a pretty bold roast today.

[ Door creaks ]

Well, looky here, Dr. Ashby. We meet again!

We -- We don't know each other, sir.

Not so big without your vacuum tube, are you?

Please, I'm merely an obstetrician.

I'm down here for fondling my patients,

that's all.

And I'm a Cabbage Patch Kid.

Ah, ah, ah! Hands where I can see 'em, Ashby.

In nine weeks, we develop a conscience.

So, you're looking at my head circumference

and wondering...

"Is he eight weeks, or is he nine?"

[ Pistol cocks ]

Well, do you feel lucky, punk?!

See ya, Claude.

Ow! Agh! Ow.

I told you,

less face and less groin, yet you keep going there.

And I tell you, I'll do what I want to do.

Well, you see this?

You're gonna do less face and less groin,

and you're gonna do it now.

I'll do as much face

and as much groin as I want to.

Dizzay, give me my gun.

You don't tell me what to [bleep] do, Eddie.

Yeah. You tell 'em, Dizzay.

And you don't tell me what to do, either.

You don't tell me what to do! Don't point your gun at me.

Don't tell me what to do! Put the gun in my hand

and let me point it at Troy.

Would you just give him his gun?

He has a right to protect himself.

Claude: If we're gonna be giving guns to everybody,

don't you think we should have some safety training?

[ All grumbling ] I need one of those laser dots.

Hey, man, is that my pen? No.

I'm talking about mandatory background checks,

mental health exams.

It's just common sense gun control, guys.

Seriously, man, it's got my teeth marks on it.

It's not your pen, Ben.

Satan, think about it, these guys are all idiots.

Do you want them running around with -- Ahem.

Um, you know what, Ben,

um, yeah, why don't you just take that pen.

Thank you. See that?

It was Ben's pen after all.

And to your point, Gary has made us a video

about gun safety that I'd like you all to see.

Gary, you want to come up?

Can you help me, Dizzay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, buddy.

It's okay to clap...

if you want to clap.

Got it?

Yeah, I think I -- Oh, oh, oh...

Come on, buddy.

All right.

Take one step.

There you go.

[ Groans ]

[ Music plays ]

♪ A rifle in the wrong hands ♪

♪ Can cause a killing spree ♪

♪ But a gun in the hand of a righteous man ♪

♪ Is what made our country free ♪

♪ What if Kennedy had a gun? ♪

♪ The other guy wouldn't have too much fun ♪

♪ It damn sure would have been a different story ♪

♪ Of the sixth floor of the book depository ♪

♪ If Kennedy had a gun ♪

Light 'em up, gents!

Bap, bap, bap, bap! No one's offended?

♪ Maybe we'd be in a better place ♪

♪ If everyone in the human race could only have a gun ♪

♪ Starts with me and Gandhi and Sharon Tate ♪

♪ And Malcolm X, John Lennon ♪ I can't be a part of this.

♪ Abe Lincoln, Tupac, Dian Fossey ♪

♪ Biggie Smalls, Pancho Villa ♪

What are you doing?

I'm looking for my bubble wrap that you stole!

There are ways to solve conflict without guns.

You stole my bubble wrap!

I have to stand my ground.

I understand that. It's not your fault if...

If only the rules here

were like they were in Australia, you know?

What's, uh... Australia?

It's a place, Windstorm -- a beautiful place.

They used to have a ton of guns, but then they banned them.

And the shootings stopped. Let me show you.

[ Laughs ]

That's a funny baby horse inside a mama horse.

No, that's a kangaroo and its joey.

Joey?

But she won't throw joey away.

No, Windstorm, never.

They keep their joeys close, like we are right now.

You see, look at us.

When you talk and create a dialogue,

you connect

and surprising things can happen.

Hey...

I've got a surprise for you.

Close your eyes and no peeking, all right, Windstorm?

♪♪

Surprise! [ Wrap popping ]

[ Screams ]

Argh!

Claude? H-Hey, Claude?

Claude?

Claude!

Claude, wake up.

Rainbow Pie. It's Windstorm,

but I can see how you would make that mistake!

Well, you're a bad guy with a gun.

And I'm a good guy with a gun.

Don't shoot, Gary. I'm a good guy with gun, too!

♪♪

Aaaaaaaaaah!

[ Screams ]

You killed Windstorm, you son of a bitch!

Say hello to your little friend.

I'm talking about me --

Rainbow Pie!

[ Screams ]

♪♪

[ Distorted ] My dick!

My balls!

My dick and balls!

♪♪

No!

Wha--

[ Thunder rumbles ]

♪♪

[ Popping ]

[ Growling ]

Morning, ladies. No, no, no, no, no.

Don't try to speak.

Some maniac shot you in the larynx.

So what you're gonna do is, you're gonna blow

into those little straws,

and it will point to words on the monitor.

[ Blows ]

Automated voice: Poop.

Poop. You've gotta go poop.

Poop. Poop. Okay, you can just go right in your diaper.

Dog booty. Dog booty.

Listen, I know you have a lot to express in your heart.

Dog booty. But the monitor has a very limited vocabulary.

Dog booty.

Poop. Satan is great.

I know you guys are impaired,

but you're still a very important part of our team.

Poop. Poop. So come on, let's go.

Dog booty. There we go.

Oh. Okay, guys, guys, guys. Don't panic. [ Both groaning ]

I'm not gonna make you do the stairs.

No, I had, uh... I had a ramp put in.

[ Both grunting ]

Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop.

Because of the coffee table!

Poop, poop, poop, poop!