Original subtitles

Man: He was dug up from a grave last...

-Oh, this is him. -Can I help you?

Yeah, can I get two ball clamps, please.

Two ball clamps.

It's the only one I got. Go easy on it.

Hey, Ben, how many balls you think Eddie's got?

We need a pair of ball clamps.

Yeah, he's not Charlie Chaplin.

How many of you jackoffs does it take to work one clamp?

-Where's this coming from? -Whoo!

Wow.

No, Troy is working with me, all right.

We are working, man.

We don't sit at a desk all day.

What do you want from me? You guys check 'em out,

you don't check 'em back in.

You don't work on the floor, you don't know what it's like.

People walk into the lava, it melts the clamps.

I cut off a pair of dick and balls,

clamps go into a canyon.

I don't have the hours in the day...

to go looking for these clamps, okay?

I'm not some ball boy in Wimbledon.

-I got some binder clips. -Oh, my God.

Binder clips?

And I got a rock.

You can shove this up his ass.

This is amateur hour.

Look, until Satan orders more clamps,

you're gonna have to do with the clips.

All right, you know what?

We'll take the -- we'll take the rocks, too.

Give us the rocks. Okay, here's a big one.

-Ow! -Man.

You don't have to throw 'em!

Let's go. We can shove these up his ass.

-You guys have a nice day. -Yeah.

Have a nice day up your ass, Ben.

♪♪

Ow! Ah! Yeow!

Ooh.

Why is Satan tormenting us all the time?

Because it's hell.

Yeah, but I mean, he got kicked out of heaven

for being, like, a proud angel,

so how does that translate into snapping ball clamps

onto child molesters and to tax cheats?

I think it would be so much cooler

if he made hell better than heaven.

That would be a bigger [bleep] to God

than him being a bitch all the time.

What the hell is going on here?!

Oh! Ow! Yeow!

Hey, hey, stop, stop, stop.

Eddie, you in any pain over there?

Wah-wah. Yeah, what is this?

We put a bunch of rocks up his asshole,

but the thing is is that his asshole is just...

like this, and it's like a volcano top.

Yeah, we've been having to improvise.

We've been using, like, office supplies and stuff.

We're completely out of ball clamps.

Why don't you just go buy more?

I don't think we knew we could...

How would we... Where would we do that?

Suffer-Con.

It's a convention of the latest tortures.

This weekend in San Diablo.

-San Diablo! -Whoo!

And, Eddie, come on down.

You go with 'em. Oh.

I want you to try the clamps on your balls,

make sure they're painful.

Have fun. Bon voyage!

All: Road trip!

Those aren't the rocks we put in there.

What in the hell are you supposed to be dressed up as?

I'm cosplay.

I'm a steampunk Satan.

I don't think this is that kind of convention, Gary.

Come on. I'm not the only person in costume.

You got Poison Ivy over there.

[ Screaming ]

Hey, guys, come over here, check out these fidget spinners.

Come on. Today's ADHD Millennials have trouble

focusing on the torture you're trying to impose on 'em.

Let the razor-tipped fidget spinners do all the work.

Oh, there she goes now. You ever see a spin like that?

Just imagine what that can do, huh?

Oh, man! Can I take it for a test drive?

Absolutely, absolutely. But you got to be careful.

They're self-aware, but they're not very smart.

There she goes. Look at that.

Look at -- -I'm finally free of the chain!

Whip Drone: We're free! We're free!

Fidget Spinner: Who's the son of a bitch who enslaved us?

-It's him! -He did it!

No, no, no, we're just from out of town, visiting!

Liar! Everyone, attack!

-Oh, God! -Attack, attack!

Don't forget, we have reservations at 7:20 tonight!

See ya then.

See ya soon!

Woman: Milk, honey.

Mother Nature's elixir.

An organic torture as old as civilization itself.

Ask your milk and honey representative about the Boats.

Milk and honey.

You're probably asking yourself what the hell is that.

I'm sitting here asking myself what the hell is that?

Is there pee in it?

Everything I drink has got pee in it.

Here, try this.

I promise, there's no pee in it.

Is it gonna fuse my mouth shut? No.

Are there a bunch of pubes at the bottom of this?

No!

Drink it.

Oh.

Mmm, oh! That's good.

Better than ball clamps, right? Yeah, it's m--

How did you know that I was looking for ball clamps?

Every schmo in this entire hall wants ball clamps.

I mean, what is this, 1973?

I want to sell my boats to a firebrand, an influencer.

I guess I am an influencer.

Every time Satan rapes me, he tells me that I asked for it.

You see that?

Have dinner with me tonight, hmm?

It's no pressure.

Right, just dinner, you and me.

So this is like a date?

It's like a date.

Troy: Look, I don't know where Gary is,

so why don't you just show us your clamps.

I got heated clamps.

I got electric clamps.

This guy's a smart clamp.

It shoots a picture of the testicle

and posts it on social media.

That's one dick pic you don't want.

Eddie... drop your pants.

Geez! Without so much as a how do ya do?

Ow! Ooh! Ow. Oy!

I'm supposed to meet those guys over there.

Look, don't waste your time with Jerry.

No? Oh.

Hmm. Jealous girlfriend?

No, Eddie's balls are trending.

Let me show you my boats...

up in my room.

Your room?

Oh, relax, Gary. What could go wrong?

It's a sales meeting.

♪♪

♪♪

Do you like the boat?

I love the boat.

Captain. Are you my captain?

I'm the captain now. Are you the captain now?

Are you my captain now?

I'm the captain now. You love these boats?

I love the boat!

Do you want to buy a boat?

I am not allowed to buy a boat.

[ Music stops ]

I could buy one boat.

♪♪

Ow!

Let's test-drive this little beauty.

A number four. Ah.

Oh.

These are last year refurbished.

You don't want this garbage!

Oh, no, that's a little wah-wah.

Doesn't really bother me.

I think he's lying. That's the one we want.

We'll take 10,000 of those.

Oh! 10,000 number fours.

Guys, I can't give these away.

I'm offended.

You heard of the Carolina Reaper?

Hottest pepper in the world.

We've created a sauce...

that oozes onto this serrated edge --

Jerry, forget about the Carolina Reaper.

We want the number fours.

Fine.

10,000 number fours.

I guess it's something. Let me run your card.

Gary's got the card.

Ugh.

Excuse me.

Oh. Where the hell have you been?

The land of milk and honey.

And I tell you what, it is bountiful, my friend.

Hey, is this the agent with the purchasing power?

Is that Satan's card? Oh.

You smell like a fat beehive.

What kind of weird shit were you doing last night?

Lots. There's only 20 cents on here!

You can't even buy one refurbished number four

for 20 cents. I bought one boat.

-Oh. -Oh, is this her?

No, this is no one!

Because she's gone! Chill out, chill out.

Don't worry, all right. She's not gonna screw me.

I got her number. I'm an influencer, right?

[ Line rings ]

This is Sophia.

Hey, Sophia, there's been a big of a mix-up.

Thank you for calling the Land of Milk and Honey,

leading distributor of the Boats.

Para español --

Her personal cellphone is a 1-800-number?

You got played, jackass!

Satan's gonna tear us apart again!

He could be cool with it.

Just tell people to start grabbing their balls, right,

and yell, "Oh, ow, these new clamps are really hurting me."

"Ow, these new clamps are really hurting me."

No, you got to sell it, Eddie. Okay.

Hey, how many boats did you buy anyway?

Just one.

Really? Because the packing slip I just signed

says I got a thousand of them.

How am I torturing people with canoes, Gary?

She wasn't exactly clear on how they work.

Well, fortunately, she included some instructions.

How was San Diablo? Oh, good.

Nice. Hot.

Force-feed milk and honey until belly is fully distended.

Smear your remaining honey mixture on his face, genitals,

and don't forget the anus...

as to attract egg-laying insects,

which will eat and breed within the exposed flesh,

making it increasingly gangrenous.

Delirium will set in after a few days due to septic shock.

Jesus. That's what this does? That sounds good, right?

All right, well, let's get him the hell out of here. That's what we're doing here?

Super Mario Brothers, you're funny.

[ Laughs ]

Stop it.

Quit playing pranks with me, man!

Can't you see, I'm not in a laughing mood!

[ Laughs ]

Fidget Spinner: Gary, since you freed us,

I will do the same for you.

Oh! You're free!

Thank you so much, my friends.

Lay back down. God damn!

Why are you like God's lackey?

You rebelled from heaven, and then God said,

"Someone needs to go

and make hell and punish all the sinners,"

and you were like, "Yes, massa."

No, you are wrong... Gary.

This is all by choice.

So you choose to live by a lake of diarrhea.

If you wanted to really get back at God,

you should make hell better than heaven.

Satan: Today is a new day.

Ladies and gentlemen, from this day forward,

there will be no more fire, lava, and sulfur.

[ Cheering ]

No more whips and ball clamps and suffering!

Oh, yeah!

And it's all because this one little demon

had the courage to show me the light.

Gary!

-Hey, Gary! -Gary, Gary, Gary!

Whoo!

♪ Paradise ♪

♪ Look at this paradise ♪

♪ Feeling the island breeze on a hammock built for two ♪

♪ I'll rub some lotion on your back ♪

♪ And on my balls, oh, doo-bee-doo ♪

Just open your legs. Open your legs!

We're doing the boat torture,

but he doesn't really seem to be suffering.

Sophia: Are insects eating him?

And is his belly fully distended?

Yes, except he seems to really

enjoy septic shock hallucinations.

Stop, stop! We're gonna tip!

In that case, you may want to add an additional torture.

Have you tried ball clamps?

If I needed ball clamps, lady,

why the hell did I buy your boats?

You know what? No, thank you very much.

I'm gonna be contesting these charges with the bank.

Stop splashing your shit up on me, man!

Troy. She says to use a ball clamp.

We don't have any ball clamps, sir!

Yeah, well, whose fault is that?

Just use your fingernails on his nut sack.

♪ Sipping a coconut down here in paradise ♪

♪ Just me and you ♪