Original subtitles

Subtitles by ProTheus_LB

I'm so sorry, this is the story of Charlotte and Brandon,

they love my TV show.

Oatmeal, exercise, well, sort of.

They both hate sleeping alone.

Beer and hairy nipples.

The good news is they are a perfect match.

The bad news is, they have never met.

And Charlotte is with Steven while Brandon is with Ashley.

Oh, um.

Well, I can't marry you

because I'm marrying someone else in May.

You don't even have a boyfriend.

Well, actually I do.

We've been together since high school, for 14 years.

It's just that he's been living very far away

and now, he's moving back so we can be together.

14 years?

Sounds like commitment issues.

No, it's just that he was waiting

until we were both ready.

Why am I defending myself to a first grader?

Well, when it all falls apart, you know where to find me.

Look, Lance, we've done all the graphics

for your packaging and prints ads at very reasonable rates.

We've created the signature look for Be Yourself Cosmetics.

Now, it's great that your nephew's a whiz at Photoshop

but believe me, there's just so much...

Screw you, Lance!

And your oxymoronically named product

and your muttonheaded fucktard nephew!

Christ, are you off your meds?

That's our biggest account!

He's an asshole, Brandon, asshole.

Bro, I went to RISD with Seth MacFarlane,

I don't need that shit!

That asshole was paying off my student loans.

Yeah, and our bills.

Shit!

You think you can get him back on the phone?

I'm still here you broke bitches.

For you.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

You're a pretty decent drawer.

Thank you.

You know, I've been called the Vermeer of napkin art.

Who?

Did I leave my amethyst necklace at your place?

Yeah, yeah, think I saw it in the bathroom.

Okay, remind me to get that from you.

So, my boss gave us free tickets

to the Charger's game Sunday.

Wanna go?

The 405 on a Sunday?

Okay, I'll drive.

Yeah, you know I'm not really into drunk crowds

and football, or people.

Of course.

What's that mean?

You know, I have dated guys with commitment issues.

Lot's of them.

Pretty standard stuff, but you,

I can't even get you to commit to a football game.

Well, I don't like football.

It's not that, it's everything.

You won't go to Coachella.

You won't move in together

because that would be moving too fast.

You won't even book that cruise next summer

because a lot can happen in six months!

Those tickets are non-refundable.

And you're a cheapskate!

Which is why I thought you'd like the free tickets

in the first place!

I'm not cheap, my money's tied up.

And I can't go to the game

because I wanna start training for that Rwanda charity ride.

You know, where people are dying.

Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

Ashley, Ashley.

Okay, you're right.

I'm sorry.

Let's do it Ashley, you and me, Coachella next year.

Ugh!

Oh, my god.

You have to see this house.

It has an entertainment room that would be so perfect

for you to have your buddies over

so you can watch your football matches, and then...

It's games, it's not matches.

Uhm, anyway, there's a chef's kitchen,

newly remodeled bathrooms,

there's a study that would make a perfect nursery.

I think maybe we should hold off on the house.

Why?

I just got here, you know, starting a new job.

There's a lot to figure out.

You don't have to figure us out, right?

You do?

Now, Charlotte, just wait a minute.

No, no, no no, no, I am not waiting.

I waited through college, through med school

and through your residency.

That was the plan.

I know, I know, and you've been so great

through all of that.

Is there someone else?

Is it that Nurse Newcombe?

No, no way.

Well, then what is it?

It's just, you,

so predictable.

Wha, wha, wha, what the heck does that mean?

Up every morning at 6:00 a. m. , the same Honey Nut Oatmeal,

you're off to work, back home, then in bed at 10 o'clock.

You don't follow sports.

Sex, missionary position with the lights off.

There's no surprises.

I'm bored out of my mind.

Well, I didn't know it was so horrible for you.

Well that explains the engagement ring,

the promise ring and the pre-promise ring.

14 years, Steven!

In hindsight, I probably should have done this sooner.

Did you bring me up here so I wouldn't make a scene?

Because I am gonna make a scene.

I'm gonna tell everybody in town.

I'm gonna announce it in church...

Charlotte,

- would you please just... - I'm gonna put posters up...

Hey, calm down and hydrate, please.

Don't you tell me to hydrate, you jackass!

Steven, are you okay?

Fuck no!

We find the defendant, Charlotte Wells,

guilty of criminal assault and battery.

If you complete community service,

anger management classes and probation,

the felony charge will be expunged.

Sentence is 30 days in jail.

Don't tell me how to live my life.

Yes sir, motherfucker.

Goddamn fucking shit.

I gotta do me, fuck all y'all if you can't appreciate!

Step off!

Who do you think you are, Princess Elsa?

It's not goddamn Arendelle.

Skinny ass bitch!

Ash?

Ashley?

Oh, yeah

Give it baby

That's what I'm talking about, baby

Ow, ow, hot, hot, hot.

I'm on fire.

Oh, yeah.

Somebody's earning their lunch money.

Oh, yeah.

Jesus, Brandon, what can I say?

She's a treacherous whore, you're better off without her.

You're gonna give yourself a heart attack.

What've you gone,

a mile and a half?

Shit, you're in terrible shape.

I bought this bike so that I could get fit

and do the Rwanda ride.

You ever seen me on it?

No.

The whore's right, Dan.

I can't commit to anything, especially women.

Which explains why I've had 50 girlfriends

in the past 10 years.

I can get 'em but I can't keep 'em.

I want a lasting love, Dan.

I wanna be married.

You have had a run of lousy luck with women.

Luck has nothing to do with it, it's me.

It has to be me.

I have to change, Dan.

Come on champ, you stink, let's go get a shower.

Welcome home, girl.

Oh my god!

Ow!

- Oh, my god. - Ow, ow, ow, ow ow ow!

I'm so sorry.

Carly, I'm so sorry, it's my prison reflexes.

Fuck that hurt!

Oh my god, you are so strong.

Is it sick that I envy you?

You're an ass kicker now.

You look great, you've lost weight.

Man, I wanna go to jail.

Oh yeah, everybody should, and it's so simple.

All you have to do is spend half your life

in a disastrous relationship and commit a felony.

Okay, none of which was your fault.

It was all my fault.

Look, okay, I read online that the average woman

will have four serious relationship before she gets

married. So, at the rate you're going,

you're not gonna get married till like you're 84.

You need to get right back on the horse.

How?

I have nothing to offer.

Men just want some spontaneous,

unpredictable sexual deviant.

Girl, you're giving men too much credit.

They're simple beasts.

All's they crave is sex, sports, beer, food

and sometimes a little anal.

Really?

Really.

Really?

Really.

Okay, if that's what men want,

then that is what I'm gonna give them.

Except that last part, not gonna happen.

SCHWEITZER POLIZEI FRAU: Yeah, yeah,

we've all seen the makeover sequence

so I won't bore you with it.

Kapernick, Manning, Brees, cradle the balls!

Work the shaft!

Yes!

You are now an expert on men.

All right, this is all the shit that he gave you

over the last 14 years.

Throw away, sell online and,

whatever the fuck this is.

Yeah, he got it at an Infectious Diseases Conference

in Shanghai.

I kinda like it.

It's going.

Yeah, this is disgusting.

Hmm.

Wow, so you're a graphic designer,

you must be really artistic.

Well, I have been called the Vermeer of napkin art.

Wait, what are you watching?

Oh, it's this, this silly show

about this Swiss police woman who is...

Schweizer Polizei Frau?

You know it?

Ja!

I binge-watched all seven seasons in like six days.

Yeah, I'm on season four.

Oh, there's great ones coming up.

We talked last night for four hours.

I think he's a really nice guy.

Oh.

Do you think I should tell him about Steven?

If you never wanna hear from him again.

Dating one guy your whole life might come off a little...

- Sad? - Freakish.

Like you were raised on a polygamist compound.

Don't show him the woman you were,

show him the woman you're going to be.

You mean lie?

Hell yes, lie.

Don't tell her you have 56K in student loans.

Tell her you have a 10 inch schlong

and you're the heir to Walmart fortune.

It's the internet.

If you're not lying, your not trying.

Hey, hey!

My last boyfriend? Uh...

Let's see, I was with him for 14 months.

Wow, so brief.

Well, how long do your relationships only last for?

Uh, you know, two,

three years.

So, you haven't been with that many women.

A handful.

You know, for me, it's more about quality than quantity.

My biggest fault?

Sometimes, I give too much, you know,

whether it's work or relationships.

I'm all in, kind of a warp speed ahead kinda guy.

And sometimes, I'm so spontaneous and unpredictable

that people find it exhausting.

But I'm working on that.

I mean maybe 'cause I'm country

but there's nothing like a cold brewski, right?

Hell yeah.

Steelers baby!

Big Ben is my boy.

The San Diego Super Chargers!

Well, you're looking at the two-time

salsa dancing champion of West Virginia.

Look, I'm not saying I'm Lance Armstrong or anything,

I'm kinda on the level just below him,

but cycling is my passion.

God, you're food looks amazing,

where did you learn to cook?

Oh please, look at you,

making your own pasta from scratch?

You have beautiful eyes.

You have a very sexy smile.

Salut.

Saluts.

Oh, oh, god!

Hey.

Ah, no, no!

No, it's not what you think.

I just, I didn't have time to get dressed before...

Me too.

I want you.

Come to LA.

I'll pay for the ticket.

Look, I want to so bad, but I looked into tickets,

they are $700.

Or we could split it,

if it feels like I coming on too strong.

This is gonna be so amazing!

Oh my god, I can't believe I'm here.

I can't believe you're here.

Oh, I love your car.

Thanks.

So that's the Getty Villa, right there.

J. Paul Getty was the world's richest man

but he had a pay phone for all his house guests.

Oh god, what a cheapskate.

I hate that!

Yeah.

Me too.

Hey, isn't that, that restaurant

where all the celebrities hang out?

Yeah.

Have you ever been there?

Sure.

Oh, I bet it's amazing.

It's gettin' kinda chilly, huh.

- Yeah. - Wanna head back?

Sure.

Or, we could jump in the water.

Yeah, right.

No, I'm serious.

Come on, Charlotte, you just ate five course meal,

you're not going for a swim.

No, come on, let's do it.

I've never even been in the ocean before

and it would just be like absolutely...

Hey, hey, listen to me.

We're not jumping off the pier.

Oh, my god.

Okay, you are completely insane!

Really?

Yes, you're crazy.

And you are the most exciting guy I've ever met.

Really?

Yeah.

All right, Carly, let's see what you got me.

How does...

I don't even...

I'm not using that.

I've seen thicker dental floss.

You are one sexy bitch, Charlotte.

And you've had sex with a thousand men.

With a hundred men.

23, eight, eight.

You're gonna go in there and be just a super sexy lady.

God, I look like my mom with these things.

Ow!

Oh, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.

So you like it rough?

Huh, oh no, I was just...

'Cause I can be really rough.

Oh yeah, no, I'm rough, I'm like super rough.

Like this kinda rough?

Ah!

Oh!

Goin' for the sexy proctologist, yeah, no I dig that.

Yeah?

Is that all you got?

You're in luck 'cause his two friends

just decided to join the party.

What're you thinking?

I was just thinking, uhm

I was just wondering,

if it's too soon to tell him that um,

he's just the kind of man I've always wanted to be with.

Confident and uhm,

unhesitating,

sure of what he wants.

Extremely handsome.

Well.

And um,

it's gonna break my heart to get back on that plane.

Well, that's funny actually,

because I was thinking that she is

the most exciting

and spontaneous person

I've met in my entire life.

Not to mention gorgeous, bombshell, knockout

and blonde too, the most blonde person.

And I was actually wondering

if it's too soon to give her this.

And to tell her that I love her.

I know this is moving insanely fast

but she's not like the women here.

Is that a heel mark?

She's sexy and smart

and we just have this, this connection!

What did you get on my upholstery?

Oh, that's just saltwater.

Is that what the kids are calling it?

You desecrated the Stang!

Dude, I'll get it washed and waxed.

Are you listening to what I'm saying, I'm in love.

I can clearly see that you're excited

and I'm very happy for you, really I am.

Okay yes.

You might wanna keep this for your scrap book.

Oh, yes.

That's her neck.

Just smell that.

- No. - Just smell.

- It's just a neck. - It's not. .

- It's a neutral zone. - This is not appropriate.

Oh god, that's good.

And, did you do the things that we talked about?

We did things no one talks about.

Ooh, and how did that go?

He gave me this.

Oh, my god.

And he told me that he loves me.

Oh, my god!

I know, and I told him I love him too

which I know seems like crazy and rushed

but it was just so magical.

That no good mother.

You know, good for him.

Good for him, he deserves to be happy.

Char...

I know what you're gonna say and I'm gonna be fine

because I'm happy and he's happy.

- Charlotte! - And everybody's happy.

Charlotte!

It's gonna be,

oh my god!

Asshole!

No, you cannot cause an avalanche just by yodeling.

No, I am telling you, it is completely possible.

You can't.

And even if you could,

you can't make it fall right on a fleeing bank robber.

Schweizer Polizei Frau can.

Yeah well.

Hey, I made something at work today, you mind taking a look?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, is that me?

Lookin' good.

Oh, thank you, it's beautiful.

It would be the most unpredictable thing ever.

It would be the ultimate commitment.

Geronimo!

We want a divorce.

Between the two of ya?

Yep.

Well, I'll be, usually,

I represent only one party's interests.

We have the same interest.

An immediate divorce.

Well then, I reckon we oughta discuss

dividin' property, assets...

We don't have any.

How long you two been hitched?

BRANDON AND CHARLOTTE: 10 days.

10 days?

Oh!

Thank you so much, Carly.

Thanks, Carly, it's awesome!

Oh, and that is from us.

Oh.

Thank you.

Aw, thank you very much, that's so sweet, Jerry and Judy.

Thanks, Mom, thanks, Dad, that's uh.

No, the people of Tibet thank you.

It's such a noble gesture in your name.

Though it has none of the bourgeoisie cache

of a shiny kitchen appliance.

Anyway, speaking of exotic places,

have you guys finally decided

where you're gonna take your honeymoon?

Not yet, I'm start teaching really soon

and we have to find a bigger apartment or maybe a house.

Oh.

So we have to put that on hold.

No, no, no, you must do something special, Brandon.

Sri Lanka is lovely.

As far as exploited, underdeveloped

island nations go.

It's really the sad teardrop of the Indian subcontinent.

But the beaches are beautiful.

Well, that sounds fun, right, honey?

Oh yeah, it's just a shame about all the tsunamis.

I'll tell you what though, for special,

there's some really great spots

right within driving distance.

I mean, San Diego, Santa Barbara, Pismo.

Oh, what about you?

Where'd you two go on your honeymoon?

Jail.

He's not kidding.

After we exchanged our vows,

we went off to a No Nukes rally,

she acted up and the po-po picked us up

and threw us both in the slammer.

So you spent your whole honeymoon in jail?

We had only known each other 10 days

so every minute we spent together was like a honeymoon.

And we actually managed to slip a little connubial bliss in

right under the man's nose.

So we were in adjacent cells, right,

and right after all of the other inmates went to sleep,

my beautiful bride, she backed her tight little rump

right up against the bars,

I dropped trou and we made the sweetest, sweetest love.

Oh, oh, Christ, I need a drink!

Being an only child and losing both my parents,

I definitely want a big family, like three or four kids.

You know, they say, it costs over a quarter million

to raise a child and that's before college.

You can't put a price tag on happiness.

True but I was an only child and I have to say,

I was very happy.

Oh come on, Brandon.

You use to always want a younger brother.

And a matter of fact, Brandon was an accident.

We thought long and hard

about whether or not we should keep him.

You were gonna put him up for adoption?

Oh god no, I wouldn't have the heart for that.

We were gonna abort him.

Jesus.

But we were in Burma,

we couldn't find anyone to perform the procedure.

Thank god.

I think we made the right decision.

I do too.

Most of the time.

Oh, Jerry.

Hey, you know, we better get going,

we got a flight to catch, we gotta get to Buenos Aries.

Oh, leaving so soon?

We're gonna the Antarctica,

we're gonna scuttle some Japanese whale killers.

If it were up to me,

I'd have those boats sunk in the ocean

and have any remaining survivors fed to the sharks.

I hear you, I respect your feelings.

Now, get you things we gotta go, we gonna be late.

Charlotte, it's been so lovely meeting you.

Likewise.

Carly, till next time.

Okay, let's go.

She gets so blood thirsty when it comes to the Japanese.

Those are some weird fucking people.

Okay, I don't know, they're unique.

It's kinda refreshing.

You need to be thankful

that their DNA skipped a generation.

But isn't, Brandon's pretty amazing, right?

You did good, girl.

And he can't freak if he finds out that you're a jail bird.

'Cause with parents like that,

he was probably conceived in the joint.

Why would you tell Charlotte the Stang is yours?

You're the one who told me to lie.

When you're trying to lure her to the honey pot!

You can't keep it going now that you're married.

It's insane.

Just let me break it to her slowly, okay?

Can you go along with it for a couple weeks?

Come on man, you have another car.

Please, I'll owe you.

With what?

You don't have any money.

Which you also told me not to tell her about.

And now she's talking about honeymoons and houses and kids.

Well, you screwed up, man, you took my advice.

Okay, okay, okay okay, you can take the Stang

for a couple more weeks but, but

if I see you drive it more than twice,

I will bring down your house of cards.

Understood, thanks.

I'll see you at dinner.

No, this is yours now, you have to take care of it!

Oh!

Our first dinner party as a married couple.

Yeah.

What are you making?

Well, I thought maybe you could make your homemade pasta.

I remember on our honeymoon, we went to a movie in Maui

and Dan was playing with his wedding ring,

it fell off and rolled down the floor.

Ting, ting, ting, ting.

We had to wait till the movie was over

and then search through all this popcorn

and crud and found it in a puddle of Pepsi.

She was really mad.

And then the next week, he does it again!

And she punched me right in the dick.

You're lucky I didn't divorce you.

It turned out he done it intentionally.

Well yeah, so I had tied it to a string

and I was pulling it along and she kept going after it.

That was really.

Oh god, weren't you furious?

Yes.

But then I realized that this is who Dan is

and that's why I love him.

That's why she loves me.

He's a lovable jackass.

My ass is very jacked.

Moving on!

Brandon, what is your biggest regret?

My choice of best friends.

I was just being honest.

I'm just being honest.

I guess maybe not visiting my grandpa enough

before he died.

He was living in this nursing home

like a mile from our house and,

I don't know, I guess I was too busy

being a teenager or something.

Anyway, I hope he forgave me.

Of course he did.

He knew you loved him.

Okay, I gonna say what we're all thinking.

Four-way.

Hey!

Hey, how come you never wear that necklace I gave you?

Don't you like it?

I love it.

I absolutely love it.

And you know what else I love?

That pretty little ass of yours.

You remember the three amigos?

Arriba!

Whoo!

Schweitzer Polizei Frau.

What are you working on?

Welfare application.

You?

Suicide note.

Touche.

You know, screw it!

I guess I'm gonna call that slimy prick Matthew

and see if he'll throw us a bone.

Oh man, that's gonna suck.

You just know he's gonna make you feel like a pathetic,

shit-eating failure.

I'll call for you.

I'm just so glad I found it.

I had to go to 10 different stores to find it,

and it cost $1, 200.

Oh, at that price,

I think I would have just come clean.

Yeah, I wanted to but he spent so much money on it,

and, I don't know, he picked it out himself

which I think is very sweet, so.

So, you must be looking forward

to getting back to work, huh?

Yes, I'm so excited to be back in the classroom with kids.

It's gonna be nice to have income coming in, too.

Speaking of which, I was thinking

that we could start planning our honeymoon.

You know, maybe go on my spring break.

What do you think about Aruba?

Yeah, that's fine.

But what about Catalina Island, huh?

It's 26 miles across the sea, it is beautiful.

It's, uh, I mean, it's where Natalie Wood drowned.

Sounds romantic.

Hey, you know what?

I think we have to have a couple drinks tonight.

- Yeah? - To celebrate

your last couple of days of leisure.

What do you say?

I like that.

Let me do that.

All right, get out there, make me proud,

show me some of those tricks.

Achtung, ladies and gentlemen,

he's about to shame, bruise and soil himself.

Fuck!

Oh my god, Barndon, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, no, I meant to do that.

Oh god.

Hey Brandon.

I brought you a little somethin' for the newlyweds.

Oh Mel, thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Shots.

To all your lucky students.

To my sweet husband and all my bros and hoes.

Yeah!

Excuse me ladies and gentlemen,

can I get Charlotte Conroy on the dance floor?

What?

Did he say my name?

I guess.

What did you tell him?

Yeah, everyone, put your hands together right here,

Miss Charlotte, the dancing machine, Conroy,

salsa champion, world champion in the house tonight!

That's you.

What did you tell him?

I may have exaggerated a little.

I know you didn't wanna show off at the wedding

but now I get to see your stuff!

Yeah!

SCHWEITZER POLIZEI FRAU: And that is all

the salsa Charlotte knows,

but tragically, she dances on.

Well look who's here.

The asshole who almost smothered me to death.

Ashley?

You would still hang out here, you cheap bastard.

I'm just kidding.

I come here too.

Ashley, I am...

You, are not still mad at me, are you?

Okay, Charlotte, thank you, thank you very much.

Very interesting dance.

Hey, honey.

Who's your friend?

Ashley.

Charlotte, Charlotte Conroy.

Who's that, your sister?

No, his wife.

I'm sorry, you're married?

Since when?

Four days ago.

We used to date until he went all fainting goat on,

what the fuck?

That's my necklace!

Oh shit.

What the hell, Brandon?

Brandon?

Yeah, I left it at his place.

He never gave it back to me.

Is that true?

Told ya.

This isn't your necklace.

The hell it isn't.

Okay.

No, I think your necklace

I ground up in the garbage disposal.

Bullshit!

Listen, I was freaked out

because I found out my ex-fiance was getting married.

Ex-fiance?

Okay, like you have the right to speak,

you gave this skank's necklace!

Oh my god, this is hilarious.

You wanna know what I think?

You're not gonna do anything?

Stop!

Look at it this way, most women our age

have a lot of wear and tear on 'em

but you got her from the original owner.

She's in mint condition.

Anyway, you really trumped her on that necklace debacle.

What were you thinking?

I don't know, man.

Never the twain shall meet?

Okay, once, when Rita and I were married

for maybe two months, she asked me if this dress

she was wearing made her butt look big.

I told her, yes, but I like big butts.

You know, I'm a black man.

It nearly ruined us.

But it didn't.

It took some work and that's what you gotta do, man.

You gotta make some grand gesture, all right?

Something repentant and sweet.

Maybe a little pathetic thrown in there

and with any luck, it will all be forgotten about.

In a few years.

Come on.

God, it was so humiliating.

So you both screwed up.

You each take a gimme and move on.

I just got an email from him.

Oh my gosh, it's so sweet!

He just sent me the cutest apology.

See?

He's a peach.

Do something nice for him tonight, like really nice.

Did you get that link I sent you?

Oh, that site was nasty.

Exactly.

Not in the bedroom.

Lower.

This is ridiculous.

They've been making this racket for hours.

What the hell are they trying to prove?

Dan, maybe you should come to bed.

Yeah, yeah, in a minute.

Oh my god.

Oh, that was incredible.

Okay, I gotta pee.

I'm sure it's nothing serious.

You haven't had problems down their before, have you?

Never.

Brandon Conroy.

Hello Mr. Conroy.

Hi.

I'm Dr. Sahni.

Oh, yeah, I normally see Dr. Kurtzman?

Oh, he retired five or six months ago.

This is my first week.

Welcome.

So, what's the problem?

It's like someone took a sand blaster to my boom stick.

Let's have a look.

Oh my god.

This looks like something I saw

in my tropical disease seminar.

How long's it been like this?

Just since this morning.

And before that, was your penis normal

or has it always been disfigured?

Normal, it's normal.

Do you work with toxic chemicals?

No.

Have you recently spent time in the African bush?

No.

Have you had sex with any prostitutes from that region?

No!

Any exposure to monkey feces?

Monkey feces?

So, no interspecies intercourse?

Oh, for fuck, no!

Mr. Conroy, I'm going to need the names

of your sexual partners.

Get Dr. Palmer down here right away to look at Mr. Conroy.

We have a possible miasmic STD of unknown origin.

Is it that serious?

He's had sex with 21 women in the last four years.

Go, go, go.

I've never seen anything like this before.

It looks like a mix of genital herpes,

syphilis and a gun shot wound.

Maybe it's a mutant hybrid?

You ask him about money feces?

I did, and negative.

Sterile swab.

Whoa.

What's up with the swab?

I'm gonna insert this into your urethra, get a culture,

run a test and see if we can figure out

what's goin' on with you, okay?

'Kay.

Hmm.

Oh god.

There we go.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

I'm so sorry.

It's okay, we got another one.

No that's good.

I'm sure that's fine.

Come on, the three second rule, right?

It's okay, let's try this again, shall we?

Please no.

Hey.

Oh sweetie, thank god you're here.

How you doing, honey?

They don't know what I have.

Oh, I'm sure everything will be okay

once they figure out which one of your 21 sluts

gave you the disease!

Whatever happened to quality over quantity?

The numbers don't matter, I always wore condoms.

Except with you.

Oh please!

I only slept with one man for 14 years.

But who did he sleep with, huh?

You're so full of shit!

I'm his wife!

Oh yes, I imagined so.

I'm Dr. Dietz, now let's see

what all this excitement's about.

You already checked for monkey feces, right?

I did.

Mr. Conroy, you have cystitis.

Oh god.

Shit.

Commonly known as honeymoon disease

from too much intense sexual activity.

You just need to give the little fellow a rest.

Avoid sex for four or five days.

Only touch it when absolutely necessary

and you'll be right as rain in no time.

Oh, thank god.

Oh, thank you.

You can put that down.

I'm sorry.

So, let me get this straight,

they swabbed your schlong twice, yet they didn't have to?

Yeah.

Oh boy, that is marriage in a nutshell, ain't it?

Mrs. Halvorsen, I was just getting ready for tomorrow.

I'm afraid there's a problem.

We just received your background check.

You were arrested for a felony.

But I received a deferred adjudication.

I wasn't convicted.

I was still able to teach in West Virginia.

Obviously we hold a higher standard here

at Van Nuys Christian.

I'm an excellent teacher, I've been teaching for...

I'm sorry.

Maybe if you hadn't been dishonest,

but we're going to have to terminate your contract.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lie,

I was just trying to make a good impression.

Don't apologize to me.

Apologize to Jesus.

You're still upset about what happened yesterday,

aren't you?

Yeah, I mean no.

Look, we've both make mistakes and,

I don't think we should judge each other

for things that happened before we met.

Yeah, no, I completely agree.

The past is the past and we should just be looking forward

to the road ahead together.

At least it's all out in the open now.

Look, I wanna tell you,

I need to tell you

that I agree 100%.

Good.

Oh, this is one of my favorite episodes.

Have you seen this one?

No.

Oh, this is classic.

Ah, I won a Golden Heidi

for that episode.

I'll be right back.

Hey, packed your lunch for you.

Oh my god, where did you find this?

I made it.

Knock 'em dead, honey.

I feel like such a scam artist.

I'm not built for this kind of deception.

Okay well, why don't you just find another job real quick

and then tell Brandon you got a better offer?

Finding one's not the problem.

I got an interview at 12, I just, I mean what's the point?

They'll just vet me too.

No one's gonna let a low down ex-con near their children.

Hmm.

Oh, I got it!

Okay, your middle name is Lauren, right?

So why don't you spell it L-A-U-R-A-N instead of E-N

and then your record won't come up.

Would that really work?

I don't know.

What have you got to lose?

You know what?

Nothing, you're right.

You're absolutely right.

Thank you so much, you're a total genius.

My car won't start.

Okay, why don't you just call Brandon real quick

and then ask him...

I can't call Brandon

and ask him to take me to a job interview

when I'm supposed to be in a job that I already have!

Goodbye!

Shit.

Shit.

Hey, Charlotte.

Hey, Dan.

Bye, Dan.

Bye.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Goddammit!

Eight years teaching first grade.

Volunteer for the Red Cross.

Girl Scout camp summer leader.

Oh, you went to UWV!

Yeah.

Proud Mountaineer here!

You too?

Teal pride.

Oh, is Professor Vassic still there?

Oh yes, I loved him, he was amazing.

Well, then I know you have an excellent education.

Actually Mrs. Newton,

there's something I need to tell you.

Hey, Brandon.

Hey, bro.

Look, there's no easy way to say this, man.

A senior project manager over at Plan C

is moving to London,

so Matthew called and offered me the job.

What can I say, man?

I'm a weasel.

I'm a weasel and I'm a sellout.

Well, thanks.

No bullshit, I fought for you.

I swear, man.

Look, I'm old.

I got alimony payments up the wang.

You can still use the office, if you want.

Nah, it's your garage and all.

Yeah, and so, I just wanted to be completely up front.

I appreciate your candor, Charlotte.

And I'd like to think we're a little more forgiving

than the Christians over at Van Nuys Christian School.

So, I'll get back to you.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Hi, I need to report a stolen, or a missing car.

I don't know where is,

I don't know the license plate number.

Look, it's a Mustang, it's really old.

There can't be that many of them.

Look, I was really hoping you can help me find this car

before my husband finds out that it's missing.

Oh, my god.

Call Brandon Conroy.

Yeah.

No, stop, stop!

No, please stop, stop!

Hey!

Charlotte, are you okay?

Charlotte!

Charlotte, Charlotte!

Dan.

Dan, something horrible has happened.

What?

Brandon's Mustang was stolen!

No, not the Mustang!

Yeah, he is gonna be furious.

Did you call the police?

Yes and when I didn't know the license plate number,

they just laughed at me.

Do you happen to know the number?

Yes, I do.

Why does he have that stupid car anyways?

But I thought you loved it.

Yeah, I mean it's fun to cruise around in sometimes

but I mean come on, it's ridiculous.

It's just some loud, gas guzzling,

middle-aged-mobile for men with tiny dicks.

Come with me.

Charlotte Conroy, I need to see her!

Oh my god, they brought it back.

No, I had a GPS tracker on it.

Oh my god, oh my god, Dan, thank you, thank you so much.

You totally saved my life!

Wait, why do you have a...

It's mine, it's mine, Charlotte.

It's always been mine.

It wasn't stolen, I just took it back.

But the car belongs to Brandon.

No, it doesn't.

He borrowed it from me.

I guess he was trying to impress you.

Why would that impress me?

I don't know, maybe because it makes him look cool

and a little less broke.

Brandon is broke?

I shouldn't say anything, I'm so sorry.

He's worse than broke.

He's in debt, calamitous, crushing debt!

You know what, you know, I'm glad I'm saying something,

this is for his own good.

I feel better.

Charlotte no longer works here.

What?

We had to let her go.

She has a felony for assault and battery.

It's shocking that someone so well-mannered

could be so vicious.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, what was up with that phone call today?

Oh, sorry, someone almost backed into my car.

Oh.

But you're okay now?

Oh yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

That's good.

So how was work?

Good day with all the kids?

Yeah, great.

How about you?

Make lots of money?

Yeah.

That's good.

By the way, your Aunt Sallie Mae wrote.

She'd like her $56,000 back.

Why are you going through my mail?

Well, don't you mean our mail, dear?

We're married and we share everything.

Including a butt-load of debt.

Huh, you wanna share?

Okay, let's share.

Tell me all about the felony you committed, darling.

What?

You know, the thing you lost your job over.

You don't understand.

No, I think I do.

Assault and battery.

It's right there in the title.

Pretty self-explanatory.

It was my ex-fiance.

Oh, well that should help me sleep at night.

It was an accident!

And you know what, I wasn't convicted.

And at least I paid my debt to society, unlike you.

Student loans aren't a crime.

They are if you don't pay them!

Whoa, please don't stab me with your shiv.

They'll send you back to the joint, sweetheart.

At least there, you know who people are.

Then why don't you call the warden

and get your old bunk back.

I have let a lot of shit slide.

Like what?

You don't know the first thing about cooking.

Philip Seymour Hoffman

is not the quarterback of the San Diego Chargers

and you, sir, are no Lance Armstrong.

Three words.

Salsa, dancing, champion.

Oh, and how long did you think

that you could pretend that stupid car was yours?

Goddamn, Dan!

And the worst part,

the worst part is that you make made me look like a idiot

in front of Dan and Rita.

Like the only friends that I have in this miserable place.

Hey, you make me look like an idiot too.

I didn't know who I married.

Are you this sweet adorable school teacher

or a deranged grifter come to ruin my life?

Well, if you really feel that way,

then maybe, maybe, maybe we should both admit

that we made a mistake and then just split ways!

You know what, maybe we should!

Yeah?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Fine!

Fine!

Fine!

How long you two been hitched?

BRANDON AND CHARLOTTE: 10 days.

10 days?

Are you celebrities of some sort?

No.

Peculiar.

So, how do we get this thing started?

First of all, let me be clear,

I'm actin' as a neutral third party

helpin' to negotiate a fair settlement.

There's nothing to negotiate.

We're in complete divorce agreement.

That's the only thing we're in agreement on.

Fair enough, I'll draw up the contract

and y'all can come back next Thursday and sign it.

Thursday?

Why not today?

Don't you have some generic forms lyin' around,

like divorcezoom. com?

Generic forms?

Every divorce is unique.

Regardless of race, religion or sexual preference.

Now how would you like to handle my fee?

We'll split it.

You got that much or do you need to get another loan?

You're sure Thursday's the best you can do?

So, where you staying?

What?

It's my apartment.

I gave up my job, my home and best friend for you.

I'm not leaving the apartment and I'm not paying you rent.

Well, you'd better start cooking or cleaning or,

doing something.

Asshole!

And your car sucks!

I'm so sorry Char.

Men are such turds.

So, then you wanna subtract the top number

from the other one you got right there.

Okay.

You go it!

Awesome, good job!

Have a great day in your work.

Love you.

No, I haven't done much

any animated porn but I am a fast learner

and I love animation,

and porn, so win-win.

Okay, well please keep me in mind.

Thank you.

Surprise!

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday, son!

Wow, I didn't expect...

How's the Antarctica?

Amazing!

Your mother was the hero.

She devised a scheme to foul the prop on the Nisshin Maru.

And your father was shot in the balls

by one of the Japanese deckhands.

With a rubber bullet.

It swelled up like coconuts.

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Lookin' good boy.

So good to see you.

Yeah, so good.

Hey, what'd you tell them?

About what?

About us, about the divorce.

When?

They haven't stopped talking since they got here.

Oh, thank god.

You're gonna have to tell them.

Well, not tonight, it's my birthday.

Plus it's humiliating.

They're marriage has lasted 32 years

and ours lasted about as long as a Hobbit movie.

Happy birthday, son.

My charitable works continue, I see.

What's this?

Two tickets to Tahiti for an all inclusive stay at Brando.

It's a luxury eco-resort.

I could have been a contender.

Because my boy and his beautiful bride

deserve the absolute best honeymoon the money can buy.

Speaking of honeymoons,

you know your father and I are undergoing

a bit of a second one right now.

Let's just say, we're experiencing a refreshed sense

of sexual energy.

Exploring our aging bodies.

So many delicious new cavities to explore.

Well, it's a very thoughtful gift

and I thank you very much.

It's thoughtful, isn't it, Charlotte?

Yeah, yeah, thank you so much.

Okay, let's have a photo.

Hold up your present.

This isn't the Middle East peace talks.

How about a kiss?

Lovely.

I'm sensing a little bit of disharmony.

I'm sorry, I'm just feeling a bit...

Yeah, I know, is it Brandon?

You know, because he's a sweet boy

but he can also be a massive pain in the ass.

Trust me, I know.

It's not just him.

It's just that we,

you know, we both weren't as honest as we should have been.

Ah.

Well, I remember when Jerry and I met.

He thought I was a democrat and a virgin.

The truth is, I was in love with Reagan

and I'd slept with half the boys in the neighborhood.

So, you?

Well, I told him what I thought he wanted to hear

which was not the truth, I...

You...

Lied, yes, guilty as charged.

But when I met him, I knew he was special.

So all of this nonsense just came babbling out of me.

And how did you?

I eventually found the courage

to tell him what was in my head and in my heart.

And that's been the glue of our relationship

from that day forward.

You sure you don't want some of this?

It's Peruvian hog's breath.

They grow it above three line.

Sweet.

Nah, I'm good, thanks, Dad.

I'm not really in the mood.

Why so glum, Sunny Jim?

I don't know, Dad.

Marriage is hard.

You have a keen grasp of the obvious.

I think mine was just a bad idea from the start.

Brandon, not a day goes by that I don't ask myself,

did I do the right thing marrying that woman?

That's not very romantic, Dad.

It is when the answer is always yes.

Oh, my god.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Sweetie, what's wrong?

Are you okay?

Yeah, Mom, I know, I'm fine.

I just have a headache, that's all.

I think I have something for that.

Well, you've always got somethin' for somethin'.

Great, why do you have a DEA property room

around your waist?

SCHWEITZER POLIZEI FRAU: Oh, I would love

to make this bust.

Window Pane acid, peyote, shrooms, mescaline, ecstasy,

hashish and Viagra.

It's our mobile first aid kit.

Recently replenished in Tierra del Fuego.

You know, they have a very enlightened attitude

towards psychotropics.

Here it is.

Ginger root.

Yeah, Dad, don't you have any Advil?

Advil.

That's fuckin' poison.

Ow, shit!

Ow, god.

What?

Good morning, Charlotte,

this is Bonnie Newton from the Culver City Charter School.

Is this a good time?

Yeah, yeah, definitely, hi.

Good, well, we're having a gathering

this afternoon with some of the board.

I thought it might help your cause if you attended

and demonstrated to everyone what a solid,

upstanding, young woman you are.

Yeah, I would love to, thank you.

Well, we West Virginia gals

have to stick together.

I'll email you the details.

Okay, great.

Oh, and bring that charming

and supportive husband of yours.

Yeah, of course, thank you, yeah.

I'll will see you there, thanks.

Bye.

First, you want me to tell my parents

we're getting divorced and now, you want me to go

to a garden party and pretend we're happily married?

Brandon, just please.

If I get this job, then I'll have enough money

and I can move out.

Okay.

That makes sense.

So nice to see you again.

Oh, Charlotte.

Hi.

So glad you could make it, dear.

Thank you for having us.

You're welcome.

Mrs. Newton, this is my husband Brandon.

Very nice to meet you.

And this is our host and head of the board,

Dr. Glenn Wooster and his mother,

- Lilian Cavendish Wooster. - Nice to meet you.

You know, Charlotte has been teaching first grade

for over eight years.

You don't find it challenging

to be around children all day?

Oh, god no, I just love kids so much.

They're so honest and entertaining.

I have this one student, Emily,

every day, anywhere she went,

she always had her two Barbie dolls at her side.

And on her birthday, I asked her what she wanted

and she told me, she want more Barbies.

And so I asked Emily, I was like,

well, you already have Barbies, why do you need more?

And he said, because my Barbies smoke and drink

way too much.

Excuse me.

Sure.

So I just, I don't know.

They are so much fun and you never know

what they're gonna say or do next.

Brandon, I bear good tidings.

I just got you a full-time gig working with me

over here at Plan C, as promised, buddy.

Now, please go find a toilet,

lest you shit yourself with joy

when I tell you how much you're getting paid.

Okay, bye.

It was so great to meet you.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Hey.

Hey.

Got you a beer.

Thanks.

You know, I really don't like beer.

Really?

Yeah.

Neither do I.

SCHWEITZER POLIZEI FRAU: At last the truth.

American beers taste like shizer.

Mr. Wooster, I don't know what the philosophy

of your school is but my wife and I

are big supporters of constructivism.

Yes, you know, we really like the notion

that the teacher are facilitating the students

to interact among themselves.

Instead of merely lecturing at them

as they sit and becoming passive listeners.

And having the students realize

that everyone has something to contribute.

Everyone has a value.

You must have read our website.

No, we have a son who attended a school

that was based on constructivism.

And we could not be happier with the way he turned out.

Cheers.

I think you made a very good impression.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome, keep it up.

And by the way, your in-laws are fabulous.

Yeah, they're something.

Oh, my daughter's here!

She's visiting from Morgantown.

Hi, honey.

Hey, Mom.

Hi, sweetie.

Charlotte Conroy, I'd like to introduce you to my daughter,

Anais, and her husband, Steven.

Hi, there.

Steven.

So predictable.

Sex, missionary position.

Asshole!

Pleasure to meet you.

Purse is in the dishwasher.

Mother, this is wonderful.

So lovely what you put together here.

Grilled shrimp?

I guess it must have taken you a very long time

to ride back from Rwanda.

Ah!

Sorry, will you excuse me.

Hey, honey, look at that.

Let's go for a walk.

Hey, you feelin' okay?

Do you wanna play doctor?

Okay, Charlotte, what is going on here?

I forgot to feed my cat.

Oh, boy!

Charlotte, talk to me.

Charlotte, hey.

Brandon.

What the hell are you two doing here?

We came to help Charlotte.

This is very important to her.

We know.

We know everything.

That's why we come here,

we don't want you to make a terrible mistake

and throw away your soul partner before the cosmos...

Wait a second.

Wait a minute.

Are you two high?

Brandon!

Of course we are.

Oh my god.

You don't think that we would turn up

to something like this straight.

We've been fighting these people our entire lives

with their bourgeoisie pretentiousness.

And anal bleaching.

Would you folks care for some conflict-free

Ugandan artichoke confit on lardo brushed crostini?

No.

I'm so sorry.

Mrs. Conroy.

How's the new bride?

Couldn't be better.

Do I sense trouble in paradise?

Not now, Steven.

Charlotte, this isn't you.

What?

What do you mean?

I am so sorry.

I hurt you very badly and your life has taken an ugly turn,

I apologize.

You obviously married the first guy you met after me.

Where was it?

A dating website?

Singles bar?

Old Navy?

No, eBay.

Good god.

You bought a husband online?

No, we met online, and then fell in love and got married.

And not after 14 years, Steven.

Not all the changes are bad.

The clothes.

The hair.

Do you think about me, Charlotte?

'Cause I think about you.

Of course, I think about you.

We spent half our lives together.

The whale song.

The whale song, the mating cry of the humpback.

Let's get you into the house, mother,

and you can take a nice little nap.

How dare you?

Let's go, mother.

Oh, I miss your father so much!

Steven?

Yes.

You're such an asshole.

Is that all it took?

You want me now that I'm with someone else?

There's more to it than that, Charlotte.

Oh yeah, really, like what?

And you'd really better be quick

because my husband is right outside that door.

And your wife, that poor woman.

I mean, you don't even understand.

Anais, she is so spontaneous and unpredictable.

One minute, we're snowboarding in Telluride,

the next we are making love in a Mexican agave field.

I miss your predictability.

I miss the quiet, boring times, the unimaginative sex,

all of it.

I never appreciated it until it was gone.

Well, it's not coming back.

Ever.

Hey, hey, I just got a new job in DC.

Let's leave these two horrible,

disgusting mistakes behind and get back to our old lives.

My husband is not a mistake.

Yes, we rushed into marriage

and things haven't been perfect

and after 10 ridiculous days,

things are just blowing up in our faces, but

there have been moments, in between all the lies

and the bullshit where I've loved him more

than anybody in my entire life.

Including you.

So it's over.

Perfect.

No, Steven.

Hey, I dare you to kiss me one more time

and tell me you don't love me.

Ow!

Oh, fuck.

Sorry, Steven.

But as we say in the yard, I gotta do me.

So fuck all y'all if you can't appreciate it!

Huh!

Mr. Wooster, I wanna apologize for earlier.

My wife threw her back out

and I was giving her an adjustment.

Anyway, we really love the school

and we'd like to make a small donation.

I don't see how that's gonna make any difference.

This is very generous.

Thank you very much.

I'm gonna find Mrs. Newton and tell her the good news.

Wasn't that check for Brandon?

Our son's not very good with money anyway

so it doesn't matter.

And an investment in her future.

Is an investment in their future.

Did you mean what you said in there?

Yes.

No, maybe.

I don't know.

Hey.

Hey.

Wow, looks like you could use a little first aid,

my friend.

All hail, all hail the chosen one.

Who said that?

It is I my lord,

Pegaverneius Candoe of the Nexus Space and Guild.

I have traveled nearly 12 parsecs to find you.

Okay.

You are the rightful heir

to the throne of Nargathus.

The star child as foretold in our prophesies.

A magnificent creature of unlimited wisdom

and breath taking physical perfection.

Yeah.

I get that.

The great epiphany is at hand.

Reveal your magnificence to the members

of the Culver City Charter School Board,

and then the world.

Let them kowtow at your feet.

Worship you.

Tremble at you your unlimited power.

I must tell you how delighted we all are

about the substantial donation from your in-laws.

Well, they are very surprisingly generous people.

Well, I can tell you,

there's a lot we can do with those funds.

Loyal subjects!

I am your unicorn king!

By the powers vested in me through the flames of Asinoff,

I command you, kneel, kneel before your unicorn king.

That guys I fucking crazy.

The time in neigh, the season is in bloom,

I call upon you subjects to step forth

and harvest this royal seed.

Steven, what the hell are you doing?

Fair Anais, Steven is no more.

Your milk has soured.

Oh, Momma!

Look upon me as I raise the imperial scepter.

Mommy, that man is nasty.

Prepare to receive me!

Bam!

That has to hurt.

And, as I was saying,

could you come in on Monday?

Oh, we would be honored to have a young woman

of your character at Culver City Charter.

I'd love to!

Thank you so much.

Oh my god, thank you.

Thank you.

What in the world got into Steven?

I don't know.

Any ideas?

Food poisoning perhaps?

I think the artichoke confit looked a little sketchy.

Since there's no dispute over assets or property,

just sign and it's done.

You'll never have to see one another again.

That line right there, the one with your name next to it.

I know.

On second thought, I want the Chinese rocket statue.

Alrighty.

If you agree, Mr. Conroy, we're done here.

No.

No, I can't part with that.

Well, what if y'all shared joint custody?

Each of you take it for a week or two at a time?

No, that won't work.

Can you just buy a second statue?

That way, y'all can each have your own.

No.

No, it's one of a kind.

Well bless your hearts.

I don't mean to be rude

but I've gotta be gettin' out to Malibu.

I'm havin' lunch at Gerard's.

Try the lobster, it's delicious.

And not cheap.

Can we please get this thing goin'?

Hey, don't rush our divorce, man.

Yeah.

You know, maybe we should get lunch, too.

Yeah, I mean, we shouldn't do this on an empty stomach.

Right.

Now, hold on a second.

What about your signatures?

Damn it to hell.

The wheels are comin' off the wagon.

This divorce is fallin' apart.

- I blame her. - It's his fault.

This ends now.

I'm getting out of here and you're not stopping me!

An so concludes our story.

Poor Charlotte and Brandon,

their journey has taught them nothing.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

Did I slap you too hard?

Nein baby, it was just right.

I see you understand sign language.

Subtitles by explosiveskull