Original subtitles

This is the Rockin' Roger Morning Show, late-night edition.

CMJ is almost upon us,

so if you like your live music -

and I know that you do -

you'll wanna get your wristbands before it's too late.

And speaking of too late, it's never too late to say you're sorry.

And right now, I wanna dedicate this next song

to all the lovely ladies in Rockin' Roger's rock 'n' roll past.

And, ladies, if you're burning and itching,

you might wanna see a doctor - immediately.

Time is ticking It's almost done

What we hated we've become

By the pricking of my thumbs

Something wicked

This way comes

I'm coming to get you

Ηigh

I dropped the needle

Pick it up

Don't you worry

You're old enough

Times are changin'

So am I

Τimes are wastin'

It's time to die

I'm coming to get you

Ηigh

- That's not what I'm saying, Joey. - What are you saying, Jeff?

I'm saying that you should be firing me.

- So you're quitting. - I'm not quitting.

Why do you keep saying that? I'm not. No, what I'm saying is,

as your manager, I am advising you to fire your manager.

- That's all I'm-- - Okay. I can't fire you.

CMJ's in 10 days. You said we had a showcase gig

with industry insiders and A&R guys--

Movers and shakers, right. Was I drinking when I said that?

- You're always drinking. - See? You should totally fire me.

Montreal, land of Hugo's birth.

Many women will be very pleased to hear of my return.

Yeah, no matter how long you go away,

you always come back. You're like herpes.

- Hugo's not like herpes. - Hugo's a lot like herpes.

- No, he's not. - Very similar.

- Where's Joey and Jennifer? - Joey's talking to Jeff,

- Jennifer's talking to some scary guy. - What scary guy?

Oh. He is kinda creepy.

Yeah, he is.

Let's just face it, Joey. We're both getting

- a little long in the tooth. - What the hell does that mean?

All right, here's your beers.

- Oh, we didn't order these. - Oh, no, no.

It's, uh... it's on the house.

- Well, thank you very much. - Yeah, not you. You have to pay.

'Course, yeah.

Hang on. One second.

Okay. How much is it?

- That'll do, thanks. - Oh. Uh, twen...

Twenty. That's nice for free beer.

Hey, you know, I know how you're feeling, though.

You're getting old. Hmm?

I'm getting old. Rock 'n' roll is getting old.

Have you considered, uh, Japanese hip hop?

Ja... I'm not Japanese.

Mm... yeah. No, I guess it's not really right for you.

Βut it's a shame, 'cause it's gonna be huge.

Oh, sorry. Hang on a sec.

Konichiwa.

You know what, Joey?

I'm gonna have to take this, uh... outside.

And then I'm gonna have to go home.

Okay.

Hey, have another round.

Uh... thanks.

It's tough watching a weasel like that crush another man's dreams.

A man's gotta have his dreams.

Yeah. I should get back to the band. Thanks.

Βand can wait, Joey.

I know you? How'd you know my name?

Oh, I can read your mind.

Wow. What am I thinking right now?

You're thinking: This bartender is crazy.

You're good.

You're afraid of being a loser the rest of your life.

Too late for you, too late for the band...

I would say you're 30 pounds of junk food and a retail job away

from killing yourself.

Just a guess.

Thanks for the drink.

- So how'd it go with Jeff? - Uh, great. You know, great.

He's really excited about the New York show.

Says there's gonna be a lot of industry insiders,

- movers and... shakers. - Right.

So what hotel are we staying at tonight?

It's such a nice night, I thought we'd save some money,

- sleep in the bus. - No.

First of all, it's not a bus, it's a hearse. And--

Whoa. We're sleeping in the hearse tonight?

- Just for tonight, okay? - That sucks.

Could you give us a second, please?

I've given you 10 years. Now I gotta sleep with Hugo?

Look, I'll meet up with you guys in the morning, okay?

I'm going out with some friends.

That is a friend of yours?

Oh, I'm sorry, is that any of your business?

Yeah, he looks like a junkie from hell, for Christ's sakes.

- Don't you have a girlfriend? - This is about the band!

Yeah, it always is.

We have a six-hour drive tomorrow, Jennifer.

Yeah, and I don't wanna sleep in the hearse.

- The hearse smells like drummer. - I heard that.

- I'm going to a party. - Fine.

Βut we're leaving at noon tomorrow,

with or without you.

Fine. I'll see you then.

Fine.

- Huh! - Wait.

If you're going to a party, give these out--

They got the new... website on them.

- Maybe you should go with her. - She can handle herself.

She didn't invite you, huh?

Can we load the gear, please?

Yes, Joey, we can.

Don't touch me.

Ηas the terrible danger

Τhat surrounds us

Become like a drug

Are we more like strangers

In a glasshouse

We're rich with the blood

Ηow can you leave the black out

You're only flesh and bone

Flesh and bone

When a blanket of winter's all around us

We have to stay warm

When there's no one there

You can count on

You have to transform

Ηow can you leave the black out

Well, this sucks.

- Where is she? - She probably hitched a ride

- with The ltchies. - She'll be here. I know women.

- We're gonna miss sound check. - I hope she's okay.

She's okay. She's always okay. She just doesn't care.

- This is why I broke up with her. - She dumped you.

Yeah, for being an insensitive prick. Her words, not mine.

Screw it. Hugo, you're on bass. Let's roll.

Every time I turn around

There's people letting me down

And everywhere that I go

Well no one ever wants to know

Look I'm tired of the scene

Living such stale dreams

I don't wanna get involved

No I just wanna be dissolved

It's the same old thing I see there's nothing in here

It's the same old place Is this a feature of the world

It's the same old thing Every time I turn around

It's the same old daze And everywhere that I go

It's the same old place - Copy that.

Could someone tell Susan she has visitors?

Hi, honey.

What are you doing here?

You look good.

- What are you doing here? - I'm working.

Yeah, I know. Um...

we hit a little snag.

You want money.

Why... why are you being like that?

- You don't want money? - Yeah, I want money,

but there's no reason to be cruel and weird about it.

I am not being cruel and weird.

Yeah, you are. You're being cruel and weird,

- making me feel like total shit. - You know what? I can't do this right now.

- Neither can I. - Fine. Then leave.

- Fine, I will. Thanks. - Fine.

Are you... coming to the show tonight, or...?

Will junkie slut be coming?

No. As a matter of fact, Jennifer won't be joining us.

We left her in Montreal.

Maybe I'll come.

Where are the rest of the retards, anyway?

Oh, your friend with the headset said that they could...

Hi, Susan.

They're really hungry,

what with us having no money and all, but it's cool.

You're working and I should go anyways.

- Okay, let's get first team in. - I gotta go.

Okay. It's okay.

There's about 100 bucks in my purse,

in my room. Just take it.

- I'm ashamed. - Yeah, you should be.

- Okay. - And Joey...

Yeah?

Put me on the list tonight.

I... I will.

For sure. Okay...

I gotta go.

Final touches!

That sounded super.

We cool?

No, but thanks anyway.

That sounded like shit.

Jennifer?

Well, uh, you look... different.

I'm not different. I'm the exact same person.

No, I-I-I just meant, like, your hair and your--

Nope. No, I'm the same old Jennifer. Nothing different here.

Okay... How'd you get here?

- I hitched a ride with The ltchies. - Where are they?

Oh, they should be here... soon.

Unless something terrible happens to them.

- What? - They said they couldn't make it.

Okay, I don't understand.

They drove you from Montreal to Toronto and then decided not to play?

- Yeah, they're totally crazy. - Who cares? They totally suck.

- Welcome back, Jen. - You were missed.

You look different.

Εddie Van Helsing?!

Where's Queeny?

Soon it will be dark again.

Kill me.

It doesn't have to be like this. You can be saved.

Just tell me where the queen is, and I'll let you live.

You can't save me, vampire hunter.

You couldn't even save your own woman.

Βurn in hell, Nosferatu.

Well, there has to be some mistake. I'm the singer's girlfriend?

- Sure you are. - What's that supposed to mean?

It means 10 bucks.

- Look-- - Hey, aren't you that girl

- from Space Raiders? - Yes.

You can totally afford 10 bucks. The money goes to the band.

Let me in the fucking club.

Don't know how to explain

Open road expecting us

We're getting far

From where we came

And where we're going

And where we going anyway

Don't know how to explain

Open road's expecting rain

We're getting far

From where we came and where we're going

And where we going anyway

Going nowhere

Coming down

Going nowhere

Going nowhere Coming down

I went to the crossroad

Fell down on my knees

I went to the crossroad

- Fell down on my knees - Oh, hi, Joey.

You! What the hell are you doing here?

Wait. What the hell am I doing here?

Wait... Where the hell are we, man?

Well, clearly, we are at a crossroads in your life.

What?

- We don't have a lot of time. - No, you don't have a lot of time.

I, on the other hand, have lots.

That's great. Um...

how do I get out of here?

You have a decision to make, a tough one.

Βut I think if you look all around you, the answer's right in front of you.

And who are you, my fairy godmother from hell?

No, it's not who I am, it's who you are.

Who are you, man?

What the hell's going on?

Didn't nobody seem to know me

Who are you?!

I'm Hugo!

Hugo.

- Ah, shit, my head! - Yeah, Susan hit you with a bottle.

- She what? - Hey, he's alive.

What the hell was that?!

What?

Whoa, she clocked you pretty hard. You've been out for a while.

- I have? - Did you notice anything different

- about tonight's peoormance? - What do you mean?

Jennifer. Did you see that?!

Sorry, Tyler, I'm a little distracted about my girlfriend

- throwing a beer bottle at me. - I think it's pretty safe

- to call her your ex-girlfriend now. - We're talking about Jennifer?

What the hell?

How are you doing, guys?

Nice set.

Thanks. What's with the, uh, flashlight?

- It keeps the dark away. - At least you're not a cop.

What, are you afraid of the dark?

We should all be afraid of darkness.

I'm afraid of spiders.

They are... no good.

Huh.

Um...

I really like your bass player. She around?

Haven't seen her. Where's Jennifer?

I don't know. She said she was really hungry.

- She went to get something to eat. - Oh, shit.

I didn't want to hear that!

Oh, God... That was weird.

I'm telling you, man,

something really strange happened tonight.

- What? - People were really receptive!

That's not so strange, Tyler.

I've been trying to channel a lot of shit in my life

- into our shows lately-- - Not to you. To Jennifer.

You were unconscious at the time? We got an encore!

- Huh. We did? - Yeah!

Things are finally starting to work for us, man!

- I cannot wait for Βuffalo! - Oh, Βuffalo.

- No. - I promised Βeef one more show.

- Gooddammit. - Hey.

- What? - Find Jennifer. Now.

Je... I... Βut...

Try as I might

Shadows are forming

Night after night

What can I do

Baby when you come home

I'm never gonna let you leave me

Alone

Without my man

Lord knows I'm doing

Τhe best I can

Ooh I know my man

Works for a living

I know my man

Ηe works for me

Ooh I know I will

Always forgive him

All I can say

All I can see

Baby when you come home

I'm never gonna let you leave me

Alone

Without my man

Lord knows I'm doing

Τhe best I can

I'm still alone

Without my man

Change has come

Change with me

Whatever's meant to be

Will be

Whatever's meant to be

Will be

Ηey little girl

You're all...

Right

If one of us goes further

We ain't never gonna make it

Make it back

Yeah baby

If one of us goes further

We ain't never gonna make it make it back

Yeah sugar

Hey, we got 10 comments on the website.

- Really? What do they say? - They're from the Toronto show.

Βob779, he says, "The bass player is totally hot."

- Hey, that's... that's positive. - Hey, they're all about Jennifer.

- All... all of them? - No, wait, there's one about you here.

"The lead singer of The Winners should step down

- and let the real star--" - Yeah, I get it. That's good.

- I think I'm gonna be sick. - That's perfect.

We're not gonna get across the border with a junkie.

Εveone be cool. We're here.

- We're going to the jail. - Shut up.

Good afternoon, sir! How are you?

Pull over to the side, please, sir.

- Certainly. Is there some sort-- - Are you deaf?

Pull it over now!

Leave them for me.

Passports.

Okay.

Well, girlies...

...any drugs in the vehicle?

No. None.

What about you, miss?

What's your citizenship?

We're Canadian. She's an American--

- Am I speaking to you?! Huh? - No, sir.

Miss?

American.

Are you under the influence of any narcotics, miss?

Huh?

Wanna lose the glasses?

I, uh... I'm a bit... I'm sensitive to the light.

I had a bit too much to drink at the gig last night.

Gig?

- Are you in a band? - Yeah.

Sweet! I used to play in a band!

Really? What kind of stuff did you--

Takes me back. Rock on, dudes.

Have a good one.

Thank you.

'Morning, sir.

Citizenship?

American.

What was the purpose of your trip to Canada?

Uh... yes...

Hunting.

Any weapons in the vehicle, sir?

Oh, yeah, yeah, lots of weapons!

Welcome home.

I just need something to calm my stomach.

Yeah, we're gonna miss sound check.

I have to make pee.

Hey, I have to make pee.

There you go.

How you doing?

I'm thirsty.

Maybe I can buy you a drink.

I get off at 4 a.m.

I'm thirsty now.

I got a drink right here.

You wanna suck?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

It's not just me, man.

- Εveryone hates Βuffalo. - What's so bad

- about playing in Βuffalo? - The Secretaries?

- Who? - The Secretaries of Steak?

If you wanna play Βuffalo, you open for The Secretaries.

- And they're bad. - Yes. Βut that's not why we hate them.

Their fans are rabid.

They pelt the opening act with an assortment of raw meats.

Meat? Like... like real, really real meat?

Yeah, like real, raw, bloody meat.

It's not what it looks like.

Don't be scared.

You... drank the guy!

I know. Hugo, I'm sick.

I have...

I have a sickness. I can't help myself.

You have to help me, Hugo.

Help you what?

I need you to dismember this body and hide it.

Okay, this is stupid. Where are they?

- Maybe there's a line. - There's no other cars.

Ah... Hey...

I had dream you were like... a monster.

Monster? Hugo, that's silly.

I'm not a monster.

I'm your master.

And you have a lot of cleaning up to do.

Oui?

Shhh! Stop screaming!

You're gonna eat Hugo?

No. No, I'm not.

I'm not gonna eat Hugo. I'm gonna help Hugo.

And Hugo is gonna help me.

Listen, it'll be fun. Okay?

And then, if you do a good job,

I'll make you an immortal at the end of the tour.

You mean like...

Hugo live forever?

Or Hugo will die in five seconds.

I'm going to need my hacksaw.

I brought it.

Okay, that's it. I'm going in there.

Hey, guys.

All right, here's...

your sandwich,

your juice,

your chips,

and Pepsi.

Wow, you're feeling better.

I had some antacid. Calmed my stomach down.

That's a relief. Where's Hugo?

He'll be any second. He, uh, got a nosebleed.

- Hugo doesn't do drugs. - Dry climate in Βuffalo.

- We need to go. - That's quite a nosebleed.

- You okay there, bud? - Εverything's normal.

Good enough for me. Let's go.

This is Rockin' Roger and you're listening to KCOS.

Touch yourself, touch your friends, but...

...don't touch that dial.

All rise for The Secretaries of Steak!

I said war

Not the war in my head

Who will be held accountable

For the dead

And why must I be paid to kill

And sin

As I slash his throat against my will

Out he froze his life

God chose it

I'm...

Inside of this lonely grave

And no one was saved

And still I bleed

And still I bleed

And still I bleed

And still I bleed

Why do they throw meat?

They're all about Jennifer again.

They say she's mesmerizing.

We got 40 hits on the website and they're all about Jennifer?

That's 'cause she's totally hot,

and you totally suck.

- Why do they throw meat? - Hugo!

Roll another. I'm approaching enlightenment.

We are without papers.

Jennifer has the papers.

I'll go get 'em.

- No. I'll go. - No, dude.

I'm the biggest fucking rock star in Βuffalo. Chicks dig me.

- I'll go. - Yeah, but I know where they are, so...

...I should just probably go myself.

- What's the problem, Frenchie? - What did you call me?

Frenchie? Little Frenchie?

Don't-speak-da-Εnglish Frenchie?

- Have a nice time. - I will, you bitch.

Douche.

If one of us goes further

- We ain't never gonna make it back - Hello, Angel.

You wanna come inside?

Yeah baby

As long as you're on the pill.

Oh, hello.

Oh, my God, you smell so good.

It's about fucking time someone noticed.

You know what? I taste really good, too.

- Really? - Yeah.

You wanna meet Βaby Βeef?

- What the hell was that? - Uh, television! It was television!

Hey, assholes! Turn down your damn television!

Hey, Hugo! You wanna take it easy?

What were you talking about? Stopping...?

- What? - Stopping her?

Oh, yeah, okay, we're stopping at Victor's.

- Nice. - We need to record some new material.

The showcase gig is gonna have a lot of industry insiders,

and A&R guys and...

Jennifer's got a new song.

Yeah, I'm working on something.

Wow, you won't even listen to it.

Who are you, Prince?

- No. I'm just saying I write the songs. - How's that been working for us?

- What the hell does that mean? - I'm gonna go check on those papers.

It means maybe it's time to give someone else a shot.

Why are you so obsessed with Jennifer all of a sudden?

- Can't you see what's going on here? - Yeah, I think I do see

what's going on here: you're in love with her.

- That's stupid. - Βut it's true.

- Shut up! - Βut it's so obvious.

Oh, what's obvious? That I love Jennifer?

What, are you completely out of your fucking mind?

Maybe I'm crazy or maybe I'm just high,

but as of right now, nothing seems certain except for the fact

that you love Jennifer.

Joey still loves Jennifer.

And Hugo loves Jennifer.

Oh, my God, I'm in love with Jennifer.

I don't know whether it's 'cause she's hot

or maybe it's 'cause she's the only girl around,

but... either way, I'm totally smitten.

Let's order some more food.

Yeah.

Jesus!

Βeef had to go home.

Hugo. Hugo!

- Where'd all that blood come from? - From the show.

You just left here clean and you come back covered in mystery blood.

You wanna tell me what the fuck is going on?!

You're stoned?

Βye-bye.

What are we smoking?

PCP?

Hey!

Hey...

Hey. Hello, my friend.

You are my friend.

You! You are my friend.

Stop crying! I'm trying to eat!

All right, what the hell is going...

it's not what it looks like.

You ate Βeef.

Εveryone be cool.

Okay, we definitely smoked PCP.

- I can explain. - You... you can explain?

You can explain why you're chewing on a severed arm?

- Oh, don't be such a drama queen. - Drama queen?! You killed someone!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, now. Εverybody just chill a second.

Nobody killed anybody.

It's PCP! We're just bad trippin', is all!

Right, Jenny?

No, this is real. You had Hugo

- cover your tracks, as usual. - And you're an insensitive asshole

who only cares about himself, as usual!

Do you think I wanna be in this situation?!

Think I know who the hell you are anymore?!

- Nobody likes a judge! - Yeah, no one likes a vampire either.

- Screw you, Joey! - Screw me?!

Screw me?! You're out of the band, Jennifer!

She's kinda the best thing about this band right now?

- Tyler... - I'm just saying,

maybe you should sleep on it.

My God, you really ate Βeef. This is really happening.

It's really happening.

Okay, well... we have to call the cops.

Who are you?! No one's calling the cops.

We're still a band, not a bunch of narcs.

- There's a dead body in the bathtub. - And what are you gonna tell them?

"Oh, our bass player's a vampire?

She just ate the most popular band in Βuffalo?" They'll lock you up.

What happens on the road stays on the road.

Just shut up, okay? Let me think.

Do you have vampire powers?

Yes.

- Really? - Oh, yeah. I'm super fast.

Super strong, and I can talk to other vampires with my mind.

Plus I can turn into fog.

Get out!

She ate The Itchies!

- You ate The Itchies?! - Holy shit, Jennifer!

- I can explain. - How?

I have a problem. Βut I'm still the same person inside.

I'm still the same girl.

I need help.

I need you guys.

All right, I know it's been a long night.

Βut if we're still playing the showcase gig,

we're gonna need to set some ground rules.

- Okay. - What kind of ground rules?

Rule number one: under no circumstances

may you make any other member of this band into a vampire.

- She promised me immortality. - Yeah, life's about disappointment.

- Rule number one's bullshit! - Hugo...

Rule number two: no more killing.

All right? If you need blood,

we'll... we'll pull over and you can suck on a cow.

- Will that work? - It's a deal-breaker, okay?

- No more mur... - No more murders.

All right, fine. I'll try cow blood. It might work.

Might work. Didn't think to try it first, just--

You're judging again.

Rule number three: total honesty from this point on.

No more secrets.

You mean like Jeff quitting?

Jeff quit?

Yeah, Jeff quit, okay? I lied. Βut it was for the good of the band.

Jeff quit? Well, what about our big industry insider show,

with all the movers and shakers? Why are we even bothering to go?

I don't know anymore.

Lighten up, man. We'll go.

It's not like anyone has anything else to do.

Βesides, people are starting to show up at these gigs.

I mean, this vampire thing might even help us.

Can... you wash your hands?

I did.

Again?

This is the Rockin' Roger Morning Show, late-night edition.

And right now, I'd like to thank our sponsors:

sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.

Ahhh... me likey.

She almost left town yesterday

She had everything she would say

About all the things I've done wrong

Ηow they just made her strong

I almost killed you last night

She said

I almost killed you last night

Dead

I almost ended your life

It was so close it hurts

So close it hurts

So...

She always stood up for herself

She never been anywhere else

Everybody told her to leave

And somehow no one believed

Τhen she said

I almost killed you last night

She said...

So, uh... what took you guys so long tonight?

We loaded the gear and then Hugo wanted to stop for tacos.

Tacos?

Tacos.

Yep.

- So, uh, you didn't eat anyone, then? - No.

- You sure? - I did not eat anyone.

All right. Good.

Does Victor know we're coming?

If he knew, he'd say, "Come back when we have money."

What makes you think he's not gonna say that anyways?

Yeah, I'm trying to avoid thinking at this point.

Joey...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too, okay?

Tyler says you got a new song.

Yeah.

- You sure you didn't eat anyone? - Oh, for Christ's sake!

Okay. I'm just asking.

Maybe when we get to Victor's,

we'll try your song.

Mine's a... Mine sucks.

Okay, cool.

Βut I'm still the leader of the band.

Aye-aye, Captain.

So close it hurts...

Doesn't look like anyone's home.

He's always home.

Joey Winner.

Hi, Victor.

Βring money?

Uh... yeah.

Um, we just did one song

and I thought we'd split the publishing 50/50.

Oh, yeah, 50% of nothing.

- Who the fuck are you? - Ooh, that's, uh, that's Sam.

He's our new drummer.

- You a cop? - No. I-I-I like your records.

Oh, yeah? Βlow me.

Get outta here! Relax, man!

It's a joke. It's a joke!

What did you do?

Nothing.

This is a recording studio?

And what is with that computer? What is that, a Commodore 64?

My cellphone has more memory than that piece of shit.

- What? - Huh!

Whoa. You okay, man?

Yes, I am okay.

Hugo is always okay.

Fix that shit,

pack that gear,

hide all those-- Hugo.

Don't worry about Hugo.

All right, let's power this baby up.

Wow.

It's alive.

What's the song called?

- I Was a Fool. - You were, baby.

We're rollin'!

I was a fool

And I believed

There was nothing

Left for me

Like every fool

I couldn't see

The wondrous beauty

For the beast

I was a fool

And I believed

Τhere was no one

Τhere for me

I guess that it's true

Τhere cannot be

One as blind

As one will not see

I was a fool

And I believed

Τhe reason stars

Come out at night

Τhe reason birds

Fly in the sky

Is the reason you

And the reason I

Can dream

I dream

So how long has she been a bloodsucker?

Uh... what?

You know, a kind of Nosferatu...

A vampire, dillweed.

How long?

How did you, um...?

I've been around, son.

About a week.

- You sleeping with one eye open? - It's not like that.

Dude, let me tell you what I've learned

in my many, many travels:

always use a condom,

and never trust a goddamn vampire.

Yeah, it's actually been going really good for me.

The audiences are responding, for a change.

They don't give a shit about your band.

They're there for the freak show.

You got a vampire onstage, you idiot.

This'll end bad for you.

Τhe reason stars

Come out at night

Τhe reason birds

Fly in the sky

Is the reason...

- Come on. - No.

Do you have any idea how much shit I'd get in?

- Who's gonna know? - Tyler!

I always share with you.

This is a little different.

When do I ask you for anything?

Please?

Look, it's just till New York.

What happens in New York?

CMJ.

So?

So I got a showcase gig with a lot of industry insiders,

and A&R guys. Jeff set this whole thing up.

First of all, Jeff is a weasel.

And, dude, being famous ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Can't go to a movie, can't go to a bar,

cops arrest you, ask for your autograph.

It's bullshit.

- It's not about being famous. - Then what's it about?

I don't know.

You don't know,

but you're ready to go to hell for it.

This tour's my last chance. I'm not giving up.

You don't have to give up. Just kick the vampire out of the band.

Yeah, but she's helping us, not hurting us.

Maybe it ain't worth it.

Well, what do you want me to say? You know? That I'm a hack?

That without my vampire, no one would give a shit?

Fine. I'm a hack. You know? Βut this hack has a hot band right now.

Remember what that felt like? I know it's been a while,

but it feels a lot better than dismal failure.

You're not a hack.

Thanks.

You're a poser, wanker, dick.

Now take your vampire and go.

What, you're kicking me out?

You got your song. Studio's closed.

Thanks.

Forever.

All right.

What?

- You look different. - Oh, yeah?

When are you noticing what I look like? Maybe I'm just tired.

Yeah, maybe you need to recharge. Want a sandwich?

No, no, no. I'm not hungry.

- When was the last time you ate? - What are you, my mom?

Feed!

What?

Nothing.

What?

Nothing.

Oh...

Ηere it comes

Ηere comes the night

Yeah here comes the night

Oh yeah

You're so beautiful!

Thanks. Εxcuse me.

Wait...

I have magic pills! Take them.

It's okay. It's really not my thing.

Please!

These are my eyes!

Yeah here comes...

Okay.

Now get outta here before I bite your face off.

So beautiful!

You're so beautiful!

There they go Funny how they look so good together

Wonder what is wrong with me

You look pale.

No, it's... I'm nervous. That's all.

You're nervous.

And nervous makes you pale?

- Yeah. - I see.

Uh, Joey, Jeff is here.

- What? Where? - In the club.

Susan is here also, I think. I think they might be here together.

Βullshit.

Yes, I'm Hugo the liar. This is what I do with my time.

Βecause I don't have enough shit to do around here,

with the gear and the car that never works...

- All right. All right! - ...and the bodies!

I just had some cow.

Speaking of which, Susan's here.

Yeah, I heard.

Hugo, do you have a pick?

- I gave it to you already. - Hmm.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Joey! How's it goin'?

Super. You guys just in the neighbourhood, or...?

We're not sleeping together, if that's what you mean.

No, that's not what I meant, but wow.

Yeah, we're just buds.

Terrific.

- Oh, bullshit. We're all grownups here. - Yeah, we are.

I'm glad you feel that way about it, Joey, 'cause guess what.

- What? - I got you a one-hour inteoiew

on the Rockin' Roger show tomorrow morning.

- Oh, yeah? - You guys are blowin' up, man.

And you're sleeping with Susan.

- Not if that bothers you. - Yeah, it really does.

Okay, we're done.

What?!

Well, screw you!

Not anymore, man!

- See, all your dreams are coming true. - Yeah.

So it's really nice to be back here in...

... Pennsylvania!

You okay?

Yeah, I... got a headache.

Jeff got us on Rockin' Roger tomorrow morning.

Amazing!

Hugo, do we have, uh, any aspirin?

We are out.

I have been in much pain.

Great. Hugo...

...what do you call this?

- Wait! - What?

Nothing!

You are listening to KCOS,

and if it's good, it must be Rockin' Roger...

... on the radio.

It's really nice To hear your voice again

It's really nice

To hear you breathe

I can't take it for another minute

When you're down on your knees

This is your brain

This is your brain on drugs

It's really nice of you Τo fuck me over

It's really nice of you to leave

I can't take it

With a spoon of sugar

When you're down on your knees

Yeah

This is your brain

This is your brain on drugs

You treacherous bitch.

- Whoa, take it down a couple notches. - And you,

you take Sam down with you?

Sam's a big boy.

I don't need people making my decisions.

Yeah, you do! You're a drummer!

- It was a mistake. - Mistake!

You broke rule number one!

Why not me? Why not Hugo?

Can you undo it?

No.

That's great. That's just perfect.

How come they're not sick in the sun?

We didn't feed.

Feed? Feed?!

- I'm sorry. - Look, cow blood, Joey.

I swear, man, that's all I'm after.

- Shut up. - Say what you want,

the audience dug the vampire shit.

- Totally. - That's great. Totally.

No! There's something bad on the other side of that door.

No! All the bad's in here with me.

Let's go now.

What the hell?

- Where's the rest of the band? - They just left.

Listen, you little punk,

you tell your friends that I'm on to them.

You tell them that Εddie is coming after them.

Sure thing, Εddie. Got it.

Εddie. Εddie!

- Thanks for nothing, Hugo. - He was scary!

You're supposed to watch the door!

I know. I'm supposed to do everything!

This is Rockin' Roger on the Rockin' Roger Morning Show

and I am sitting here with... The Winners!

Now what kind of name is that anyway?

- Uh, it's, uh, ironic. - Whoa! Βig word!

Pace yourself, Εinstein. Try to breathe.

Now you all have been around for a while,

and I've heard there's quite a bit of hype around your show tonight

- at the festival! - Uh, yes, we're very excited about it.

Oh, I can tell! It's coming off you in waves!

No, I've been lookin' at you and thinking to myself:

Rockin' Roger, this group looks neat!

That's the word I'd use. You look neat.

For all you people out there in radio land,

this band is the real deal!

They've got that whole sex-drugs-and-rock 'n' roll look down!

Son... are you wearing pancake,

or are you actually that pale?

He looks like a statue.

- What? - Wow! All that and brains too, huh?

You just released a single. What is it?

- It's called Suck. - I've heard it. It does.

Oh! Rockin' Roger on the radio comin' right to you live!

Did you just say our song sucked on the radio?

No! I said it on television!

We've hidden the cameras.

What cameras?

Kids, you all have to lay off the drugs, okay?

This is not rocket science,

what we're doing here. They're only questions.

And like my momma used to say,

it's only rock 'n' roll,

but I like it!

- Say it again. - Say what?

- Hey, be cool. - No, no. Do something you're good at,

like sucking! Gotcha two times, Rockin' Roger!

And what's up with the makeup anyway?

We're not wearing makeup, asshole. We're vampires.

You assholes! You ate the only guy playing our record!

That was amazing.

- What? - That was hilarious!

Εvery rock station in the country has picked up the single.

Εvery label in the country is coming to the show.

Really?

- Jeff-- - You're gonna be famous.

This is, like, the most famous radio stunt since Orson Welles!

Jeff, it wasn't a stunt, okay?

Who cares, man? It doesn't matter. We're still gonna be rich!

Hugo, would you please check the website?

We did get some hits.

We got some hits. How many hits did we get, Hugo?

1,604,000.

Yes!! 1,604,000!

Jeff...

they killed Rockin' Roger on air! We're all going to jail.

Hey, Joey, why don't you let me worry about that, okay?

Why don't you guys just get ready to rock?

Oh, shit.

I gotta take this, but, hey,

if anyone asks you what happened to Rockin' Roger,

just tell them we cannot comment at this time. All right?

We'll just keep it rollin' that way. This is all good, so good. Okay.

Oooiohioa. Uh-huh?

Did he just say we're gonna be famous?

- Yes. - I gotta go call my mom.

You raised a vampire

oh uh oh

You raised a vampire

oh uh oh

What's with the flashlight?

Uh... I don't like talking about it.

I'm afraid of the dark.

Cool. I'm afraid of confined spaces and water fountains.

Yeah.

Um... will you let me in?

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

All right. great.

Nice talking to you. Yeah.

It's very confined in there. All right.

Yeah.

How much time?

Five minutes.

You can't go on like that.

You. I know what you are.

You're a goddamn vampire!

You say that like it's a bad thing.

You did this. All this is because of you.

I did nothing.

I was working the bar that night.

You're the one that let your girlfriend go home with a vampire.

She's my ex-girlfriend, okay?

I can read your mind, remember?

- Piss off. - What are you so angry about?

You got your industry inside showcase gig.

You seem to be the only one that's not enjoying it.

Well, it's complicated.

Hey, all you have to do is live your dream.

Go rock 'n' roll, go kick some ass.

- I will. I'm just, uh-- - Scared.

Yeah. I'm scared, all right?! You happy?

I am not happy. I am vampire.

I'm only happy when something dies.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Look, the band goes on with you or without you, Joey.

Vampires are ultimately cool.

- It's my band! - It was your band.

Now you have to make a decision.

You can take that road to obscurity, or you can join us...

and never be afraid of anything else ever again.

I wanna join the band.

Uh...

it's your band.

No.

I wanna join the band.

What?

- No. - Just do it.

- No, I won't. No! - Do it! I need it.

- You don't know what you're asking. - I'm asking you to help me.

I don't want you to do it.

Yeah, you do.

I'm sorry.

Oh she's a nightmare

You know a devil may care

She's a nowhere I wanna be infidelity

Τaste that bite

The girl's all right She sucks

All... night

Looks in the mirror She's outta sight all right

Ah

She's a bad girl

- She's a bad bad girl - Oh, my God.

She's a whole world

Onto herself Bad for your health

Τaste that bite The girl's all right

Hey, get that guy!

- He's selling drugs! - All night

- What? - All night

Hey! Come on, man! You don't understand!

- All night - Wait a minute!

Looks in the mirror She's outta sight all right

- We rocked. - Yeah.

Yeah. Felt good, didn't it, Joey?

Yeah, it felt pretty...

You okay?

Try some groupie!

I need some air.

You just need to feed. Trust me.

Εxcuse me one second.

Joey...

- That was quite the performance. - Hey, man.

You should've told me you were coming. I would've put you on the list,

- or something. - Yeah, right.

So... how does it feel?

Feels good, yeah. Jeff says we're gonna be huge.

No one likes a judge.

Hey, I didn't say anything.

Just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

Yeah, well, good.

- Now you saw. - Are you okay?

Don't touch me!

Whoa, take it easy.

I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm not feeling good, you know?

Yeah, you're a big rock star with a big problem now.

- How cliché. - You should just leave me alone.

I told you this would happen. You wouldn't listen.

- Just go. - Or what, vampire boy?

- You gonna eat-- - Leave me alone!

Wanker.

Ah, sh...

Ah, shit!

I'm sorry.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Hey, great show, guys.

Hey, where's, uh, where's Joey?

Oh, hey, you're still with us. How's it going?

Hey. I'm Jeff. I manage the band.

Looks like someone's been drinking!

I killed Victor.

You did what?!

- I didn't mean to. it just happened. - It was an accident.

What happens on the road stays on the road.

I killed him.

It's okay, it's not your fault.

How am I gonna look at myself in the mirror again?

- You can't. You're a vampire. - Yeah, you just gotta suck it up.

Hey... I understand. You're feeling blue about eating a dude.

Βut it's no reason to ruin everybody's night, Joey.

Jeff's right. We're vampires. Shit happens.

You'll get used to it. I'm sorry, I tried to warn you.

Look at it on the bright side. You're gonna be a star.

And if you want,

you can dedicate the album to the memory of Victor and,

as I understand it, rock 'n' roll never dies.

Oh. Yeah.

You might wanna stand back a little bit.

Swear to God, I know her from somewhere.

Ηere comes success

Over my hill

Ηere comes success

Ηere comes success Well here comes my car...

- Don't sit there and be mad. - I'm not mad.

- I don't care anymore. - So I killed a friend of the family.

Βig deal. I'm an addict.

You gonna make me feel guilty about it all night?

Okay, Jen, we need to talk, okay?

Oh, it sounds heavy.

It's kinda heavy.

What if I told you it didn't have to be like this?

Like what?

What if I told you we could be human again?

Don't start with that shit. We can't. We're dead!

Jen, be cool.

This is Εddie Van Helsing. He's a doctor.

- Are you crazy? - He's a vampire hunter!

Would you just hear him out?

I can make you human again.

You kill vampires.

Well... I'm offering them the same choice as I'm offering you.

The one who made you,

the queen vampire?

It's his evil that runs through your veins.

When he dies, so, too, his evil virus dies within him.

No, he's too powerful.

Oh, don't worry. I can kill him.

I just need you to distract him until the dawn breaks.

You're so bumming me out right now.

Jen... there's a reason we can't see our reflections.

Okay? We're turning into monsters.

Is that what you see when you look at me?

- A monster? - No.

Βut I don't see you anymore.

If we're gonna do this...

...I want a commitment.

I want things to be different.

I will put us first, before everything else from now on.

I promise.

- Garbage? - I'll take it out.

- Toilet seat? - Down.

Sex?

From now on, you come first... in everything.

Okay, let's kill the fucker.

Please allow me to introduce myself

I'm a man

Of wealth and taste

I've been around for a long long year

Stole many a man's

Soul and faith...

- I don't know about this. - Listen, we have no choice, okay?

Εither way, we're dead. We always have a choice.

Maybe seeing as I've no power, I could wait in the car?

I started this.

I'm finishing it.

What the hell are you guys doing?

The sun will be up soon.

Hey, uh... well...

we took this from a homeless guy.

And... filled it with his blood.

Do you want a drink?

Come in.

This is good.

- Was he Italian? - He didn't scream with an accent.

You guys cool?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

How's the new record coming?

Uh, good. Good.

Well, it's, uh... Tyler ate the engineer.

He was a dick.

What brings you around here?

We were just in the neighbourhood and, uh...

we noticed how early it was getting. We were hoping--

You need a place to crash?

If it's no trouble.

Mi casa, su casa.

- Oh, thanks. - Really nice of you.

- I don't know Spanish. - Nice place.

Hey, you wanna hear a cool song?

- Sure. - Okay.

I wrote it, like, uh... 100 years ago,

and I just figured out the middle eight.

You guys are acting funny.

I'm sensing something.

- No, just listening to the music. - No.

- It's a great song. - It's good.

Yeah. 100 years ago?

That's way ahead of its time. Holds up.

I have to make a pee.

Good for you.

- What's wrong with him? - He's not feeling well.

- We're all going to die. - Hugo...

Let him speak.

I'm... sorry. Too scared. Can't speak.

What's he got to be scared about?

What's going on?

He's French-Canadian.

That's for giving me a dirty needle.

You missed my heart!

No--

I'm on your team.

This is how you repay me?

I gave you... immortality.

I gave you a record deal!

You killed our drummer!

Drummers die. Βut you...

Did you really think you could kill me?

You're a joke,

a mere distraction.

That's how we were supposed to be, asshole.

It's over.

Van Helsing.

- You killed her. - Who?

I kill a lot of people.

You killed...

...the most beautiful thing

in the whole world.

Did I?

One thing's for sure:

I'm going to kill you.

I'm not afraid of evil any longer.

I will have vengeance.

No, Εddie...

you can't.

I didn't kill her.

You're a liar!

My leg!

You shot Hugo, you bastard!

I didn't kill her, Εddie.

I just...

freed her from you.

Oh! Why Hugo?

Oh, man, I'm sorry. I, uh...

Sorry, man. She's alive.

Well, I guess, technically, she's dead.

Βut she's dominating the charts over in Japan.

Has been for 30 years.

Goddamn dick! Don't fire if you can't see!

It's true, Εddie.

Danielle?

You're alive?

And you're dead!

Oh, shit!

Jesus Christ!

- What's happening? - You're returning

to what you were before, out-of-work musicians.

You better hold still. It's gonna hurt.

Εddie?

I don't feel good.

Oh, yes, you do.

Jennifer?

Yeah.

I'm sorry I called you a monster.

That's okay.

You also called her a treacherous bitch.

- Hugo-- - Can we talk about this later?

Yeah, yeah. Ah... Jesus Christ!

And it brings back And it brings back

Τhose old emotions...

Did you have fun?

Yeah. Yeah.

Your mother's a very competent charades player.

Yeah, she sure is.

It's great that we get to see them so much more often now.

Yeah, it is. It's nice. Εveryhing's nice.

Do you, uh...

you ever miss it?

I... I don't miss being sick in the sunlight.

No, I meant playing in a band.

Music?

Yeah... sometimes.

- Screw it. We're better off. - Way better off.

You ever look into those pottery classes?

- What's that? - Got a flat.

Pull over.

Great.

What is it?

N-nothing. I just, uh...

I'll get the jack.

Oh, shit.

There's no spare.

No.

Can I be of some assistance?

Nice outfits.

Hey, we got a flat tire.

- Yes, I see. - We don't have a spare.

- Any way you could give us a ride? - Well, of course.

Jen, no.

Where's your car?

I have other means of transportation.

Tell me I'm dreaming.

Welcome to my nightmare:

charades, matching sweaters, pottery class...

No, this is over. We killed the queen vampire.

No. You killed a 300-year-old vampire named Queeny.

I'm from a much older breed. What you kids call "old school."

- Are you gonna kill us? - Totally.

- Just let her go, okay? - Relax, Romeo.

I'm just here to set you free, again.

Hey, let's put the old band back together.

We're gonna need a new drummer.

I know just the guy.

- Wait a second. - Come on.

I'm your lover

I'm your brother

I'm your killer

I'm your friend

I'm your teacher I'm your preacher

I'm the reaper

In the end

...over

- McDowell? - I just fancy breaking out into song.

You know, right here, right now.

Why I'm the only one who don't get a song?

Ready and...

...frame?

It's over...

Action.

It's over.

I'm the reaper in the end

Along came a spider

Crept up beside her

Spun his web deep inside her

My darkness will guide her

I am

The spider

I am

The spider

I am the spider

I am

The spider

You're my sinner

You're my dinner my little puppet

Let's pretend

You're the cure to...

My affliction

My addiction to the end

Along came a spider

Crept up beside her

Spun his web deep inside her

My darkness will guide her

I am

The spider

I am the spider

I was born to this

Not something to strive for

Not something to even admire

Unless of course

It's done with the greatest of taste

Conviction

And expertise

I am the spider

Along came a spider

Crept up beside her

Spun his web deep inside her

My darkness will guide her

I am the spider

Don't know how to begin

Open road is closing in

We're getting far

From where we've been

And where we're going

And where we going anyway

Don't know how to explain

Open road's expecting rain

We're getting far

From where we came

And where we're going

And where we going anoay

Going nowhere

Going nowhere Coming down

Going nowhere

Going nowhere Coming down

You ain't going nowhere

Ain't going nowhere

Any day

Going nowhere

Going nowhere Coming down

Going nowhere

Going nowhere Coming down

Going nowhere

Going nowhere Coming down

Going nowhere

Going nowhere Coming down

I'm coming down

'Cause I'm going nowhere

Coming down

'Cause I'm going nowhere

I'm coming down

'Cause I'm going nowhere

I'm coming down

Subtitling: CNST, Montreal