Original subtitles

SEX and WILLINGLY

Screenplay:

Set Design:

Cinematography:

Editor:

Director:

SUNDAY-IN

What are you doing?

Come on. -Stay still!

Today at the Palazzo Chigi, the Italian Cabinet chaired by

Amanda Lear the fabulous superstar, and a favourite of our viewers,

who became a woman after

a herbal shampoo with the fragrance of

a shit.

which you cook with a bit of oregano,

green fava beans, and serve it with

an absorbent diaper that will leave his bottom dry thanks to the

forceful policy of President Reagan, who in a speech said

Bullshit! You're full of bullshit, dear

Bettino Craxi, Socialist Party Secretary

took the floor today at the

Crazy Horse, where twelve dancing

young men from Hamburg...

That's the most exciting thing.

Reagan, Bettino Craxi and us making love in front of them.

Now he's cool!

Look at him and we're both excommunicated.

I'm embarassed in front of the Ayatolah. Let me switch.

Oh look who it is! Oh joy!

Ai ai ai, Signora Longari.

Now we'll let him sleep and suggest something.

Look at me... there's a swarm of mosquitos...

lots of mosquitos, everywhere, more coming.

Let's go. What are you doing? -Wait a second, I'm watching.

More and more. And lice. Your body's covered in lice.

C'mon, that's really stupid. -But I believe him.

Oh yeah. Don't you see how he obeys the magician?

He's an accomplice. -I tell you he's not!

How can a woman like you believe everything anyone tells her?

I believed you. -You're a laugh.

Okay, let's see what happens.

For you folks at home,

clasp your hands and hold them in front of you like this.

Perfect! Lace your fingers together.

All together now.

What about you? You wanted proof that it's all fake.

Me? -Yes!

And now I'll count to three...

and on the count of three...

your hands will be stuck together.

One! -Hurry up magician, we've gotta go.

Two! -And? And...and?

Three!

Try! Try to break them apart! -Whoa, I'm stuck!

You see? You didn't believe me.

Will you look at this!

And now what do we do?

And now back to our viewers.

I ask you to do exactly as I tell you.

I'll count to three and on three your hands will disengage.

One! -Come on!

Two! -Let's go!

Oh God, there's a blackout. -What's that?

A blackout! When they shut down the power.

What do we do now?

What do we do? We're screwed! Like I said, now we wait.

We wait...damn TV. Only suckers watch it!

Relax. The lights will come back on and the magician will rescue us.

Let's hope. Let's hope.

That's all for now. Thank you. -Thank you Casella and goodbye.

What's this? But...but he's leaving!

Call the station!

Call the station, Linda!

The first two digits of the number

you've called have been replaced with 5..0..8.

It's Sunday and they're off work. How do we get out of this?

I've got to pee. -Then do it!

Who's going to unzip me?

Go wet yourself! Call the fire department!

Do something! -Relax eh! I'll try the intercom.

Yes. -Hang on.

Alvaro? Alvaro can you hear me?

Damn all magicians, witches, the TV and the guy who invented it!

Damn you and that damn smartass magician!

How many times do I have to turn this....freedom!

We're like Nureyev and Fracci.

You know how foolish we'll look like outside of the apartment?

We're not alone.

From this day on I'm not paying the electric bill.

I'll use candles! -Bravo!

I left the water running in the bathtub. It'll flood the building.

Who cares! -Relax people, relax.

Let's go to the TV studio!

They tied us up, they'll free us. Let's go!

To the TV station! To the TV station!

Easy Colonel, stay calm.

So did the magician arrive, yes or no?

Yes, we sent for him. Sit tight.

Was it channel 1 or 2? -Channel 1.

How'd your hands get stuck? -He said "raise your hands over your head,"

"Lace your fingers together and count 1,2,3."

To hell with you! Now I'm stuck! -Linda, I'm a magician too!

Quiet! Taking the stage the magician Casella will release you!

Easy! Easy! Quiet! Quiet!

I locked your hands and I'll release them.

I'll count to three...at the count of three your hands will release.

One...

two, three!

Ah! Finally!

So we're free? -Yes.

No more danger? -No.

You're sure? -I'm sure.

Okay, take that!

Try to predict how many times I kick your ass!

Good for nothing! I left the water running!

THE NEW MARISA

Only a few people showed up to the funeral of my poor Romolo.

What do you expect. He was dead to the world. Five years in a wheelchair.

Eh, unfortunately.

In the name of the Father, the Son... -You see, you can die at any age.

That boy was twenty.

Widows make me horny.

I don't get young people today.

I was always at home looking after him for years.

I'd go out for a second and he'd fly into a jealous rage.

You know, he'd hit me with a stick.

Pull yourself together.

You're still young with your whole life in front of you.

I'll find you a small flat downtown.

I'm well connected. You'll see...

soon you'll feel like working and living again.

Work..yes. I'll work hard. But anything else I'm done with.

You know, I like it a lot.

The flat was decorated by the architect Mangano.

It's a two bedroom. On this side is the kitchenette.

In the Tyrolean style. -It's darling.

Wall to wall carpets everywhere. Have a look at the bedroom.

It's a nice little flat. Carla, don't let this one slip away.

You know what this is? A cheerful home!

Oh, I wasn't expecting this! Look!

A round bed. -Why round?

Carla, a mirror on the ceiling! -Why is there a mirror on the ceiling?

It was put there by Signora Marisa. -And who is this Marisa?

The tenant that lived here before. She moved to Milan.

That Marisa must have had refined tastes.

You don't find it too... -No!

Over here is the bathroom. -Come, let's look.

Pink majolica.

Look!

Two bidets! And the perfumes! -It's Chanel!

Want ads?

I'd like to put an ad in next Sunday's paper.

Yes. "Typist. French translator. Working from home."

"Via del Pozzo 114."

Phone number? 447-592.

Yes? Carla de Dominicis. Thank you. Goodbye.

Who can that be?

It's so cold out! Arctic weather!

It's years since we've been this cold in Rome.

And to think, I went out without an overcoat. -But...

But where's Marisa? -She doesn't live here anymore.

That's okay. In fact I'd even say...better.

Look, you've made a mistake. -Because you're not...

No, I'm not.

Excuse me, there's been a horrible misunderstanding.

I apologize, I'm confused.

Still, I don't get it. She could have let me know.

Hurry up. -She can't just move without notice.

What's your name? -Carla.

Look, I'll give you my business card. You never know...

Marisa could have given notice.

She can't just leave like that, for Christ's sake.

Yes?

Marisa are you alone? I'll be over in 5 minutes.

Who is this? -Your little squirrel.

I'm not Marisa. Marisa's moved.

Hello?

It's midnight . The pleasure patrol is here.

Freshen up 'cause the human locomotive is coming.

Who is this?

Don't you remember me Marisa? It's Johnny your big gun!

In 15 minutes...

I'm not Marisa! There's no Marisa anymore!

What number did I dial?

Who is it? -Marisa, it's Nino Pacini.

No no enough, stop!

Marisa, I know in the mornings you like to sleep but...

I need you now! I'm trembling with desire!

The wild urge for sex! An uncontrollable...craving.

What?

A craving! An uncontrollable craving, understand?

Yes or no?

Yes, I understand. -My manhood in the morning

is like the god Priapus who wakes up

with the symbol of fertility in his tree of desire!

Mine is a telephone pole. Open up temptress, open up!

My buttons are bursting!

Marisa darling...

Excuse me, but you're not Marisa.

No. -Where is she?

What do I know! -But I just came...

I came 600 kilometers in the rain, in the fog, in the wind only to find...

she's not here?

Still...If I may?

Engineer Nino Pacilli.

The widow Carla de Dominicis. -Oh, my condolences.

Thank you. -May I come in?

Of course. -I had to climb the stairs.

How is it that with all the business in Rome

and people going up and down...

the elevators never work?

You're absolutely right Engineer, it's a disgrace.

You're from the north too? -Yes.

Bravo!

So you can't tell me where Marisa is. Where I can track her down.

How should I know, I don't even know her! I'm the new tenant.

I'm a typist. I translate French.

A beautiful language.

Too bad this has been such a distressing mishap.

I was prepared for a passionate encounter.

Marisa and I...had a lot in common. -Is that so?

Yes, yes. We shared a taste for....

for leather...

for sex...for...

Please, sit down. There's no need to be frightened.

Oh no, far from it.

You're so distinguished.

Marisa and I saw each other every 15 days...

Ideally on a Saturday. It was a ritual.

Almost like performing in a play.

Of course a play with a sexual background.

Understand? -Um, really...in what sense?

What did you do together?

Well, the whole thing was very classy.

I'd show up as a gentleman caller.

I'd present her with a box of chocolates.

Oh, thank you. -Your welcome.

We'd talk about this and that. Afterwards as though it were nothing,

I'd start...slowly, slowly...to caress her.

What are you doing, Engineer?

Well, you asked and I'm showing you.

Excuse me, yours truly must be going.

I've disturbed you enough.

No wait! What are you doing? Don't go.

I'd like to know more about those poor unfortunates

that sell themselves for a crust of bread.

No exactly a crust of bread. Marisa charged a hundred bucks.

How much? -A hundred.

Golly!

And Marissa gave herself to all of your...

let's say...fantasies? -Of course.

Like I said before, I'd...

start to caress her gently with a velvet touch.

Then suddenly...take action!

No, no, no, that's enough!! Go away!

Forgive me.

And Marisa naturally let you do it? -Yes, of course.

Hard to believe...

I should... -No, wait!

I want to know at what point a poor working girl stumbles.

I talk about something else,

as though it were a normal conversation.

while touching...and taking greater liberties.

And the poor girl let you? -Yes, she let me.

Shameful...and then, and then?

Then I slowly push her towards the bed.

How disgusting! Oh Marisa you're so dirty!

Yes, you're so dirty!

Who? Me? -You too, yes!

Oh Engineer...what are you doing? What are you doing!

Are you Marisa?

Come in dear.

The advertisment I placed in Sunday's paper,

I like to change it for another. To run every day.

Yes, it should read, "AAA. The New Marisa."

"Via del Pozzo 114,

phone number 447-592,"

"booking every hour non stop, holidays included."

RADIO-TAXI

Piazza Bainsizza 4. Piazza Bainsizza 4.

Via Cuboni 10. Via Cuboni 10.

Comfirming Mosca7 in 3 minutes. Piazza Bainsizza 4.

Sign off, sign off. Confirmed Berlino 9 in 3 minutes.

Piazza Navigatori there's no number. Sign off. Sign off.

The client at Via Bruno Buozzi doesn't answer. Wait. Wait.

Sign off, Sign off. Zagabria 100 wait til I call the client back.

Via Ripetta 231. Confirm again Lugano 4 in 3 minutes.

Via della Lungara 39. Via della Lungara 39.

They missed the car parked at Termini Station. Via della Lungara 39.

Via della Lungara 39. Via Po 2. Via Po 2.

I said Via Po 2.

Confirming Tripoli in 3 minutes. Confirming Tripoli in 3 minutes.

Via della Lungara 39.

You're disgusting.

Oh what a day!

Of course, let's keep all the lights on. Consume away!

How was your day at the office. -Very good, I was fired.

So you were fired. I always said you were a moron.

Lay off, eh!

My mother was right. You're a good for nothing moron.

How will you take me to Roccaraso skiing. Tell me that.Tell me that.

We also missed two months at Christmas.

I won't stay in Rome at Christmastime. I'm sick of it.

It makes me even sicker! Is dinner ready?

How come you got fired. Answer. Answer.

Susanna, tonight I want to be left in peace. I beg you!

How can you be so calm if you've been fired.

Inflation is galloping. We need cash.

You know how much steak costs. 2000 lire. 2000 lire.

I want to go skiing at Roccaraso. Ski boot cost 100,000 lire.

And you got fired. My mother was right.

I shouldn't have married you. I shouldn't have.

You're a worthless husband. You're a blank cartridge. In bed too.

It's been 3 years without pleasure. 3 years without pleasure.

The last time was February 1979.

You can't scare me with that gun.

You don't scare me. You don't scare me.

You can relax it's not for you. Not for you.

You're making fun of me. Go make jokes. You're a moron.

No Luca! Luca what have you done!

Oh Luca... He killed himself.

Luca killed himself!

Hello? Hello Red Cross? Ambulance to Via della Pisana 7.

Via della Pisana 7. My husband killed himself. Confirm. Confirm.

OLD FASHIONED RAZOR

Hello, shave? -What do you mean shave?

I meant do you shave? Many don't anymore.

I still do it like they used to.

I mean do you still shave by hand with the old fashion razor?

Of course like they used to. With the old razor. What did you think?

Well...you know...

For years I've been thinking about a shave with the old fashion razor.

Not the safety blades they use today.

A razor with with a sharp blade..ah! How it caresses the cheek.

I'm an old fashioned guy. A shave ought to be blissful.

Blissful, eh? It's lovely to talk of bliss.

There are those who get pleasure and those who are disappointed.

The young lady's a manicurist? -Let's say she "also" does manicures.

"Also?" -Let's just say she also does "other" things.

Stop it!

Does she shave too?

Whaddya mean "does she shave?" Is that your business?

You want your nails done? -Yes.

Fine....Luisella! Do the man's nails.

Stop shouting. I heard you.

It's nice to find an old fashioned barber shop like this.

Such a cozy place.

A cozy, cozy place. And what a cozy family!

Is the lady your wife? -This one? -Yes.

I'd rather cut my balls off.

Antonio, stop being a jerk. It won't end well I warn you.

Will you shut up or not? The client must be attended to.

Shall we attend to you or not?

Do you want us to...or not?! -Yes, yes.

Let's enjoy this shave and manicure...

in this old fashioned parlour...

Here the only thing old fashioned is him.

I'm 25 years old. -And experienced! And experienced!

Okay, calm down.

Don't worry. Relax.

And don't pay attention to her and her so-called "manicure!"

She has a habit of busting my balls!

Antonio, I told you to stop talking shit or it won't end well!

Yes, yes come on... -Stay still.

Think about it...when you work, keep your mind on the client...

and if there's a disagreement...

you'll discuss it tonight at home.

At home? -Yes.

At home? What makes you think we're having a domestic quarrel?

You want us to discuss it at home? -No.

You think we should discuss it at home?

I don't know. I'm just saying

Just try to be more...

Just try to be more...

All I wanted was an old fashioned shave!

By an old fashioned barber!. -Yes.

What the fuck else do you want, eh? -What?

What do you want?

I'm bleeding...

Oh God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

She's sucking it!

Perfect, eh?

Don't worry.

A bit of alcohol will make it better.

It's all his fault. -My fault? How is it my fault now?

What the fuck d'you want? -She said "what the fuck d'you want!"

To me? -She said fuck, eh? Fuck...

D'you want to make a scandal?

Is this how you behave in front of a client?

You're... you're a whore, understand?

'Cause you don't even know what you're doing.

This one's gone...cast aside...gone...

like her cuckold husband.

Now she can do whatever she wants. -Stop, stop! I've had enough!

Enough? I've only done half your face.

Let the other side for tomorrow. -No! We'll do it now.

Yes, now. -Now!

Straight!

Please please... -The other side!

Can we take a short break?

I want to go... -Stay there! I must finish your face!

Put your leg up and keep still!

I'm an old fashioned barber

and I'm using....a razor!

Once a whore always a whore!

I can't listen to a word you say...with your fucking...manicure!

I better go. -No way.

My train!

What train? You were standing outside

'cause this bitch is working overtime at the pensione Sorriso!

No! -Yes.

With who? -Maybe...maybe you, eh?

Oh yes? -Disgusting pig!

See what a gentleman he is? -Shhh! Stay calm!

Get back to work and the next fucking thing you say...

...I'll slit your throat.

Don't get up. Be still. And you'll see...

you'll see this is a woman I must...get rid of, see?

Stay still, stay still! -Yes, yes!

Don't mess with me!

You come to satisfy your own pleasures...

..yes, but this razor requires blood!

This is...this is...razor is a killer!

And with this razor you know what I'm gonna do?

I'll kill her!

Because this razor is thirsty for blood.

You're crazy! -You'll see how crazy!

Help! He wants to kill me! -I'll rip your guts out!

Mamma mia! Mamma mia!

Good day. -Please, come in.

Thank you.

Haircut? -No, shave. A light touch please.

Of course. With a straight razor. My specialty. -Great.

But you already shaved half.

It was done by your colleague nearby, Antonio.

Antonio? -Yes, Antonio...

who in my opinion is messing around with his manicurist, Luisella.

Who'd you say? -Luisella.

Luisella? That fucking slut?!

That slut of a wife?

I'll cut her head off! Her head! That disgusting slut!

THE "MACHO"

Come....come on.

Come to mama. Watch out for the big bad wolf.

He looks a little pale. Is he catching a cold?

No no no. C'mon. -How was his poo this morning?

Beautiful! A little yellowish. -Beautiful or yellowish?

Don't be such a worrier Pino!

Okay, it's getting late. I'll see you at home tonight.

Make sure to keep your eyes open here in the park.

There are plenty of weirdos, flashers, voyeurs...

What are those? -Peeping toms.

Nowadays the state of morality is in shreds.

Look, look! Two men kissing. How disgusting!

No, it's not two men! -Oh, good.

Better yet.

Goodbye little butterfly. -Bye.

You too. -Say bye to papa.

Say bye bye to papa, come on. Say bye to papa, he's leaving.

Excuse me but you know you rear-ended me, right?

I know.

Well, nothing happened but at least you could say "excuse me."

Excuse me. -Oh.

Eh?!!

How many times must I tell you

not to let the baby touch my copy of "The Adventurer."

Just look at the first chapter of "The Mysterious Horseman"

...it's torn and scribbled on.

Don't yell, you'll wake the baby. -Yes, the baby.

Besides being a baby...he's a vandal!

He's not to touch my "Adventurer" collection, is that clear?

I know, I know. Your "Adventurer" collection is sacred!

Sunday sure is a rough day. There's never a damn thing to do.

We ought to go to a movie. -A movie?

Oh yeah, the baby has his two hour nap.

Yes, but you go by yourself. I prefer to stay home.

Maybe I'll write a line or two to mamma. -Oh, yes?

Okay. But maybe I won't go to the movies.

Maybe I'll just go for a walk...to stretch my legs.

Remember to hide "The Adventurer" before Attila wakes up.

Bye little butterfly. -Bye.

Brady against Borden for his first goal in the Italian Championship.

He scored from a penalty kick,

for a foul by Baresi on Cabrini.

Let's take another look at the Irishman's goal.

Tell me. -I had an apertif and a lollipop.

It's already been paid. -By who?

By that man there.

Also these "Kisses" are for you. -Kisses?

Look...I thank you but I can't accept.

Why not?

Why not? It doesn't make sense... good day and thank you.

Something bad is going to happen. I feel it.

Banish the fear from your heart.

Isn't it forbidden to smoke in the cinema?

The vase, the blue vase, what happened to it?

Tell me Jack, what have you done with my blue vase?

You don't think I stole it. -It's worth at least 10 million dollars.

Here it is. But what's this inside?

It's a hand!

Yes, it's the hand of the Chinaman.

Come on, eat. Pretend they're money or buttons.

My mouth, your mouth. Whose is prettier mine or yours.

What beautiful teeth....Ahum!

Little butterfly, your turn now.

Come on. Now you eat with mama....Yumm!

In the garden of the beautiful villa on the palm lined path,

Archibald, the millionaire trader, is having a drink in the company of...

I'll get it.

Doctor Franceschi? -That's me.

Here. -For me?

Excuse me but who sent you? -I don't know!

Okay thank you. -No need.

What's with those roses? -I don't know.

And who sent them to me, you?

I didn't send these and they're not for you.

Who the hell would send you roses?

Hello? Yes, that's me. -I want you.

So? Should we settle this, yes or no? -What?

You know all too well! The flowers, the "Kisses,"

the telephone, what you did in the elevator.

You understand that I'm a married man,

I'm faithfull to my wife and that's it! Understand? Eh?

Enough! Enough...

What do you want? You...

Scoundrel. Scoundrel! How dare you?!

How dare you? Tell me! Don't you ever try that again!

Don't you dare harass me again, understand?

Understand? Never! Never again!

Signora Mirella.

~Don't you ever try that again...

"Let's run away together," said the Black Prince in a velvety voice.

What's the matter? Not feeling well? -No, I'm fine.

Can I make you a lemon water? -No, thank you.

You've been so jumpy for these last few days.

Is there a reason you're not going to the office?

No, everything's fine.

Nobody called? -You already asked and I said no.

Oh yes, sorry.

Is there another woman? -No...

Swear? -I swear!

What is it? -There's a car stopped out front.

A car? -Yes, a fancy car

parked outside on Avenue of the Americas.

Inside there's a strange guy... just sitting there.

He was there yesterday too. -Yesterday too?

Yes, but I didn't tell you because I was afraid you'd get mad.

Why?

Because I thought that guy was here to bother me.

Rita.

I think...I'm going leave for a bit.

I need to think. Yes.

To find out who I am.

Look. Look I found the pudding!

You like?, Eh? Of course you don't.

Because last time you left the mousse

and God knows how long it took me to make it.

Ah, this is the best. You know what it is? Truffle patè.

You like this,eh?

Little butterfly why aren't you listening to me?

Attention shoppers...

In the vegetable section... -What are you looking at?

...fresh fennel just arrived.

Big dummy! -Be careful!

I'm the big bad wolf! -You don't scare me!

I'll eat you! -Look out here I come!

Watch it! I'll get you!

Aren't you ashamed? At your age!

LADY JANE

Yes?

Enter! Sunday at 5, very well Countess.

Hello boss! How do I look?

Pretty good I guess. Let me see the socks.

Bravo! You're one of those guys that understands that socks

have to match the suit and not the tie.

What's the assignment? -Tonight we have a challenging job.

The honour of our organization is at stake and we need a chaperone for

Lady Jane McDonald. She's the wife of the British minister

arriving in Rome today for the European Union summit.

The husband can't join her...

but he wants her to enjoy a pleasant evening.

You know how it goes. A chic restaurant...nightclub...

and maybe the Colliseum beneath the moonlight.

But there's no moon. -It doesn't matter.

The Colliseum is pretty enough without the moon.

It's cloudy! -She'll see enough.

Remember, the lady is from a noble family.

Her husband too, besides being a minister.

Should I woo her?

No, this isn't your usual older drunk American.

She's a high class woman. And another thing...

Yes. -It seems she has a certain little problem.

A slight condition. -I hope she's not epileptic.

No, she's a bit strange, no big deal. -Trust me, boss!

Where and what time? Dark suit?

Good evening. Have you a reservation?

The name is Garbelli. -Please, come this way.

Is this your first time in Rome, Lady Jane?

Yes, I find Rome so exciting. -Exciting.

All those lovely traffic lights hidden in the trees.

Would you like to start with the paté? -Why not.

No, none for me....I can't.

You can't... -I can't eat at night.

But you eat. I'll keep you company.

No, that's absurd...I don't know at least drink something.

That's even worse.

I don't understand. Should we leave?

Alright then...tonight I'll eat.

Whatever the outcome.

I don't know...would you like paté.? Salmon? -Paté.

Paté for the lady and salmon for me. Thank you.

I was told that your husband rarely takes you out.

Do you live a quiet life in London?

Yes, very quiet. I'm...not very well.

I understand.

You were telling me...ah, how much you liked Rome.

Oh yes! All the buildings, the fountains,

and the beautiful statues of naked men.

To your health. -Cheers.

I've noticed that women love the arts much more than men.

I believe so. -Yes.

Oh! These little old tables...

What were we talking about?

Sorry.

I apologize. It's called chronic flatulence.

What? -This...my condition.

Oh! Is there a cure?

It usually happens when I eat.

Parma ham? -Uh, n..n.....

Ah no, thank you.

Step away! I'll deal with you later.

Would you care for some beans with caviar?

No! No beans. At least I don't think...

No, better not. -Just caviar?

Not that either.

Ah, the orchestra!

It's just the right music. Would you care to dance?

Oh yes. -You can take advantage of it.

No?

What the hell are you playing at?

I feel better. -I believe it!

Look, it wasn't me. -Get out!

This old song is so beautiful.

It reminds me of the sea, the beautiful summers,

childhood games.

Life is beautiful. It's marvelous.

Love is a marvelous thing!

You know you've got a real soul...delicate, like mine.

What's this? You're eyes are watering?

You're moved?

Yes...

By a marvelous woman like you. So sensitive. So helpless...

Do you know Gozzano? -Gozzano?

"Perhaps I caught a glimpse of the one I could love."

My God! Oh God, Oh help me! -Help me?

I feel another terrible one coming! Help!

Try to hold it Lady Jane. We'll head closer to that deaf guy.

Pig!

Your husband's the Minister of Defence?

No...Maybe we should sit now.

Yes?

You hear? They're playing our song.

Forgive me. -Careful.

Thank you. You're really kind and educated.

I feel good with you. -I feel the same way.

Oh God! Another one on the way. Take me out of here please.

Let's go! -Before it's too late.

Oh I'm sorry... -Good evening!

It was her!

Oh God I'm so ashamed!

That was a 10 on the Richter scale.

My husband won't sleep with me any more.

I've lost all my friends. I can't go to a concert,

I can't go anywhere. I'm desperate!

I'll just have to kill myself. -No!

No dear, you remeber the poet Gozzano,

"Perhaps I caught a glimpse of the one I could love."

What are you saying? -That I found my soul mate.

No! You too?

Yes, me too...when I'm in love!

Flatulence...the gentle breath.

I dedicate my life to you.

ARMANDA AND THE VIOLINIST

So then, angel hair pasta with homemade sauce.

Excuse me, what is this little droppings of calf?

A shovelful of rigatoni, with calf guts on the side.

No no, for me square noodles in broth. -For me the cuckoo stuffed with meat.

For me the straw and hay pasta. -Makes sense for a donkey like you!

What did you say? -I didn't say a word.

Wine? -White.

I'll choose the wine.

My darling. My enchantress, my everything.

Will you be mine? -No Giorgio.

Why not? -Don't ask me that. I can't.

I'll never be able to.

Drink this poison and shut up!

Would you give something? -No, I'm sorry no.

Thanks.

Excuse me I have to go home. I'm not feeling well.

I'll go with you Armanda.

No, no thanks. Enjoy yourselves.

Who gets the rigatoni with the poo-poo?

The poo-poo's mine.

You're the poo-poo tycoon. -Thank you.

I'll seat you two here near the toilet.

Look, I'm going to walk. Thanks anyway.

On foot? Are you crazy?

I'll take a taxi then.

Is it you? -Yes, it's me.

How did you end up like this?

And how do you have the guts to ask me this, Armanda? You!

How is this about me? How am I responsible?

Never mind. For a second it was good to see you again.

You're young, beautiful, rich, loved... and I'm poor, shabby, and alone.

with only two friends.

This...and this.

Goodbye Armanda. -Wait!

No, let me go! Leave me be!

Have you got a cigarette? -Of course.

I'm sorry, would you light it? My hand's a bit shakey.

You're very kind. Thank you.

These days I only smoke butts.

I loved you so much.

That was my tragedy.

But you rejected me...without hope.

I don't believe you loved me.

I was another trophy in your career as a playboy.

Playboy? It's your fault I'm ruined!

In what way? -After you walked out

it was never the same.

The next morning I lost everything in the stock market.

I wanted to make it back.

I started gambling...roulette, baccarat...

chemin de fer, rouge et noir, the horses...nothing.

I lost whatever I had left.

Fortunately...I knew a bit about music.

I found this abandoned violin... left on a bus by a musician.

I took it and like this I survive.

Like this...like a derelict.

Like a robot...with a broken spring.

Goodbye love. -No wait!

No. I'll can't take handouts from you. -It's not money.

Armanda. Via dei Girasoli 34.

RING THE BELL

Come dear, I'll open it.

Hello. -Come in.

I wouldn't want to dirty anything. -Don't worry. Let me take that.

Thank you.

My husband's in Paris. The servants are on holiday.

A beautiful house. My complments. -Would you like to drink something?

Yes, gladly. -I'm happy you're here.

Me too.

Why did you ask me to come here? What do you want?

Is this a cruel joke? -No, what are you saying?

It's been a while since we loved each other. .

I didn't want you to think it's because I thought you were insincere.

But now...that you're no longer rich, no longer a celebrated ladies man...

Well then...now I can.

Yes. Now I can.

Now you can? -Yes, I can.

You can. -I can.

My love! -No, wait a moment.

I know you'd like...to clean up a bit.

Why?

My love...everything that I dared not hope for,

that I dared not believe possible, it's all come true...

like being in a dream with my eyes open. My love...

now I realize that I never loved anyone but you,

that I've never desired anyone but you.

That I can't imagine anyone else in my life,

who could hold my heart so tenderly.

Still...you say you're broke but this chain is solid gold.

The only thing remaining of my mother.

I'd rather die than sell it.

Mamma!

Now I'll take it off because

it might get in the way of our...

love...

Good evening. What can I get you ugly people?

What's good?

Angel hair pasta, rigatoni with calf guts.

strozzapreti, buffalo balls... -I want to try the angel hair with guts.

I'll have the sirloin. -I'll have the sirloin too.

Coming through! Coming through!

Giovanardi! Look over here Giovanardi!

Good people. No...don't shoot from that side. Smile darling.

Giorgio Giovanardi. Excuse me but I can't miss this.

Excuse me Giovanardi. I'm Mirella from Novella 2000.

How is it that the most celebrated jet setting playboy

has returned to Italy after being absent for so many years?

Let's say it was homesickness.

I had some unfinished business here.

Now everything is in order and all accounts have been settled.

I imagine something to do with a woman.

Well...Noblesse oblige, let's say yes.

But we don't have to announce it, even if she doesn't understand Italian.

The billion dollar model Pamela Stanton, my future wife,

I've promised to be faithful forever. -Give her a kiss!

A kiss? -Yes.

Bravo! Give her another. C'mon, c'mon a good one now.

My darling playboy.

I'm returning your mamma's medallion that you left in my bed yesterday.

Yes, in my bed.

But this is my gift!

I don't know... -But I know! It's your gift.

He forgot it in my bed.

Oh yes, it is yours.

Beauty, beauty! -Please, take me home!

Pamela!

Give us a smile! C'mon beautiful!

THE ADVENTURE

May I?

You just give it a push forward and then pull.

Thank you. That's very kind..

I...just wanted to help you.

Can I help you, Ma'am? -Thank you.

You're a walking disaster! -I'm sorry.

Leave it. I'll do it. -No, I'll help you.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.

I hope not.

String beans! I eat them too. -I'm glad.

I'm..I'm...

Leave it, I'll finish up before you cause another disaster.

No look, I only want to make myself useful.

You suffered shell shock, right?

If tomorrow at 7:25 I hear that damned scream again,

then clearly I'm suffering from some kind of hallucination.

Why dont' you spend a week on the Cote d'Azure.

It would do you good.

And Colonel Mulden? Who'll take care of him?

The devil with Colonel Mulden! -Don't say that. I owe him a lot.

Have you talked to him? -No, he's very sick.

I see.

Do you remember when Marta left Villa Paradiso?

About two months ago.

And how many times have you heard that scream?

Three...no four.

Were you there when Annette died? -No, it must have been terrible.

She hung on and fought against death like a crazy person.

And now that she's dead she's come back to torment me.

She plays tricks. With the hands of the clock. She's evil...evil I say!

Jennifer...will you play for me before you go?

Me play? Are you kidding? -But tonight I heard you playing.

It wasn't me.You understand now? It's her!

Who? -Annette...Annette hates me!

She'd take the food from my mouth,

the clothes off my back, the soul from my body.

You saw her hands. With those hands she strangled her mother.

Stop pestering the lady! -What do you want?

Leave me alone!

What's it to you?

Where d'you think you are?

Mind your fucking business! -I'll give you a smack.

What'll you give me? What? -Boor!

The gentleman's right, you were bothering me.

You..you know this guy? -Of course I know him.

We live in a country full of savages. -It's crazy!

Would you escort me? -Of course.

Hold on...-You'll have to continue on your own. Jerk!

Jerk! -Peasant!

Stupid peasant! -Asshole!

I thank you. -Don't mention it.

If you hadn't stopped that pig, who knows what might've happened.

Look at this...he tore my bra.

He squeezed me so tight that... it still hurts.

I must go now. My husband's home and the children are waiting.

You're married? -Oh yes, I have 2 children that I adore.

I wanted to ask if we could have a drink together, a cup of tea.

Look, I really can't, sorry. -Ma'am! Ma'am?

I've had a rough life. From an early age I've had terrible hardships.

How so?

By the age of 13 I was already like this.

I mean up here...and all the rest.

One night coming home, I was approached

by a big man with a moustache,

who gave me a ride in his car,

but instead of taking me home he dragged me to a field and...

And he...and he raped you?

Yes! But unfortunately I felt enoromous pleasure.

Pleasure that I never in my life experienced again.

Imagine, we stayed in that field for 6 or 8 hours without stopping once.

Six or eight? -I'd say eight, maybe more.

And he had...a moustache.

Oh yes! A magnificent black moustache.

Like charcoal. I still dream about that moustache.

It must have been a horrible experience...

and just 13.

It was a real scandal!

My parents decided to send me to a convent school.

They had no idea! The Mother Superior was a big heavy lady,

with enormous muscles. She also taught gymnastics.

She took a fancy to me and wanted me to sleep in her room.

And you? -What could I do, I was 14.

Of course. And...and you slept together?

Well...as far as sleep goes, we didn't sleep much.

Actually very little.

I'd say almost not at all.

Oh, that moustache.

What a moustache...

Also The Mother Superior... -She had a moustache?

No.

Look how late it is, I have to dash.

Too bad, I could spend hours listening to your life story.

You're pulling my leg. -No, it's the truth.

Thanks again for the tea and the company.

Don't mention it...say, couldn't we meet up again?

I already told you I'm a married woman.

Not only married but crazy about my husband.

Well then...I'll resign myself.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Your fur.

The emergency brake. -Thank you.

Ma'am, wait! I'll help you. -You again?

I was just passing by and...

And so, at sixteen I decided to leave the convent school.

And I enrolled in art school. -Artist! -Yes.

It seems you were a very busy teenager.

Yes very, my sculpture professor was fiftyish and charming.

And he asked me to pose for him. -Yes.

So during the third year of school I posed nude with a black guy.

Handsome like a Riace bronze.

While the professor sculpted

we tried hard to give him a certain sensuality.

Just put them there. Gently...there's eggs.

Tell the truth, you didn't just pop into the cinema today.

No, in truth it happens to me often when the moon changes.

What happens when the moon changes?

Oh, don't make me say.

Everything happens. I'm gripped by with these tremendous urges.

I get feverish...chills... then I have to...

It's like...as if I'm overcome...by a fit of rapture!

It seems today you were in a state of raptus interruptus.

And a good thing too! It would have been a scandal.

So...now you know everything about me.

I beg you go, is that okay?

Not really.

I told you how exceptional my husband is. -Yes.

He's good, generous, understanding.

And yet... -I love him madly.

And yet... -Leave me please.

One kiss. -Get out of my life forever.

At least have one more drink, a small one...

Hello?

Oh it's you Professor. Everything went well.

In fact very well. Your treatment worked like a charm.

I'll pass you over to my husband.

Professor...you were right.

A marriage needs a bit of excitement...and a bit of fantasy.

HONEYMOON

It's me, don't you recognize me? -Where are you going, skiing?

It's part of the dowry! -Yes, along with your sanity!

How cheery. Look at all the lovely people.

Susie, I think you enjoy complaining.

No. But since it's my honeymoon I imagined it differently.

What are you complaining about? The hotel has generously given us

not only the honeymoon but also a week long stay here.

You'll see, it'll be the 2nd to the 9th of November.

And so?

And so if I meet anyone

who claims that out of season the sea is at its best,

I swear I'll throttle them. -Tell the truth Susie,

my panel isn't bad, eh? -It's beautiful!

They could also have given you more to do.

Relax. He who grabs too much loses everything.

You'll see that life has many delightful surprises.

Good day my dear architect. -Hello my dear manager.

Madame...and now, are the little lovebirds having fun?

I'd say very much. -Wonderful!

It's quite peaceful here.

For me, out of season, the sea is at its best.

In fact Susie was just saying the same thing.

I hope that my modest little work pleased the Countess.

The Countess is very happy and has decided that next year

we'll renovate the bar. And it must be done...by you.

How generous. -Signor Director!

Yes?

Come see. At the entrance to the harbour there's an enormous boat.

Excuse me. -Let's look at the "enormous." C'mon!

Is it really that big? -Enormous!

Enormous!

There it is.

Beautiful! Look at the fancy architecture.

Meh, it hardly qualifies as a rusty tub.

It'll be your average ill mannered Arab. -Easy, with those snap judgements.

The Arab civilization was

the foundation of a variety of stylistic refinements.

And you, my little halfwit, call them ill mannered.

I've seen that boat somewhere before. -Maybe on a flag.

Idiot. I saw it on Novello 2000, it's Bacioghi's ship!

Who? -Yes, yes, Bacioghi.

Bacioghi, the world's richest man.

I read in Panorama that Bacioghi has his own jumbo jet.

His palace in Bahrain has a bathtub made of pure gold.

You see darling that holidays out of season can have pleasant surprises.

Even the world's richest man holidays in November.

Mr. Architect. -Mr. Director.

Have you heard the good news? -No.

We have with us as a guest in the hotel the world's richest man.

Along with his entire entourage.

I was just pointing out to my wife

that this time of the year is busy with vacationers.

The boat had a malfunction and he's been forced to seek refuge here.

And between us, he's really angry.

Hmm, I understand completely. -But for the hotel it's a godsend.

Oh yes, twenty more guests

when in November you can't even book a dog...

Oh here they are. Excuse me.

The Sultan's coming.

The dining room is over there Your Excellency.

You know what the say Mr. Architect?

Every woman that has carnal relations with Bacioghi

wears a Platinum anklet with an emerald.

What a lecher! -And each emerald

is worth 40 million.

In the Eva Express they said 50 million.

Let's settle on 45. My final offer.

Wine, Your Majesty.

You see how they eat? Sprawled on the ground like animals.

Every country has its own customs.

They don't even use a fork?

Just their hands like monkeys.

Shhh! You're talking too loud!

What's that got to do with anything? I was talking about my work.

What can a young architect hope to do

in an Italy that's going to the dogs, eh?

Public housing? Or apartments that look like beehives?

But if I call someone like Bacioghi, I could plan an entire city.

Dear Susie, a city of 1001 nights. Susie...1001 nights.

Excuse me Architect, Mr Bacioghi... -Bacioghi.

You know, the one wearing the nightgown.

He'd be honoured if you'd join him for a glass of champagne.

Let's go!

Sit on the ground with those boors? I'm not going.

Excuse me but if we don't go over the ill mannered ones will be us.

Are you planning to build a city of 1001 nights?

What's that got to do with it! Let's not be typical Italian snobs.

Are you racist? -No it just gives me the creeps.

But if we must drink champagne let's drink some. -Let's drink some.

Thank you for accepting His Excellency's invitation.

Allow me to present Mr. Ali Bacioghi.

Puntolie...Puntolieri Vittorio.

My missus.

Have a seat.

Thank you.

You were saying?

I heard you were having trouble on the yacht.

Yes, we were heading to Monte Carlo when we had an accident.

Nothing serious. The elevator broke down.

How about that!

Fortunately we saw this Club Med and so here we are.

No, this isn't a Club Med. I wish it was!

No, this isn't champagne,

but a local bubbly that might just bring us back to life.

May I?

Taste that bubbly!

Excellent! I'll vouch for this bubbly.

Are you a wine grower? -No I just drink it.

I'm an architect. Architect and Interior Designer.

Graduated in '72 with an A+ Honours from the University of Milan.

I designed here as well...excuse me but I don't wish to bore you.

But you're not boring us at all Mr. Architect.

Thank you.

Are you doing any projects at the hotel?

No no. Actually, I designed the panel of the front desk.

I don't know if you noticed it.

I don't know if you happened to... -No, he didn't notice it.

Ah no...he didn't notice it.

It's made of golden laminate and fibreglass.

In the style of...Fanta soda.

Fanta soda!

It's the most successful part of the hotel.

I don't understand why they didn't allow you to do all their decor.

Which between you and me is... -A piece of shit!

Yes, we think so too. It's absolutely colourless.

Colourless is the right word. Let's drink to that.

Cheers! -Cheers...

Excellency, if you ever happen to be passing through Milan,

my wife and I would be delighted to have you over for some saffron rice.

And after I know a spot on the way to Lambrate

where they make a really great osso bucco.

Architect. Would you be interested in working in the Emirate?

Sorry, I didn't understand the question.

Mr. Bacioghi was very impressed with your panel,

and would like to hire you for a project in the Emirate of Bahrain.

Does that interest you?

It interests me yes, of course it interests me.

I'm only interested in working in an Emirate!

Tell him how I'm interested in that work.

Of course he'd be interested to work in an Emirate.

We're looking at a mosque... with a 20 million dollar budget.

Twenty? -And naturally ten percent

goes to the architect of the project.

Ten percent of... -Two million!

In Lire? -Uh-huh!

Yes, and if the dollar continues to go up it could be more.

Perhaps...two and a half million.

The only thing is that the work has to start within the month.

I can start right away. It's no big deal to jot down a sketch...a design.

Bravo Architect, You're young and full of enthusiasm. I like that.

Let's drink to it. To the mosque, in the name of Allah.

Praise be Allah!

Ah, listen to the music. It drives me wild.

Italian music is so beautiful.

My compliments. You're a real connoiseur.

Shall we dance? -Well actually I don't...

Yes of course dance with His Excellency. You must. By all means.

Architect. -Yes?

Why don't you jot down a few ideas for the mosque?

I'm talking to you!

No, now you've caught me unprepared...

No...no not a finished design. Throw together your fantasy.

You dance well. My compliments. -You too.

Come on! -Of course I'm coming,

Okay I'd... -For starters...

For starters...I don't know...I'd start with a beautiful dome.

Like this... -What an idea!

And a Crescent here on top.

Right? A beautiful Crescent.

Architect, don't be distracted.

His Excellency has...a mighty grip. He really feels the music.

Yes. And the central courtyard? -Ah, the central courtyard.

The courtyard. -Of course we need...

So then...

I've never done a mosque...

Let's put up...a colonnade. -A colonnade...

Two rows of columns made of Carrara marble mixed with Sienna.

That's great!

Architect...

Architect! Please... -Excuse me, look....

The mosque. -Let's do this.

Let's at least finish the colonadde.

I'll put this here like this. See how it goes?

I'm sure that...take your hand away otherwise I can't draw.

Darling, what's that? -Oh God, who's that?

It's a sketch of the mosque that...but where's His Excellency?

Mr. Bacioghi has gone up because he's very tired.

Ah...too bad. I wanted to show him...

Honey, you're still working. I'll go up.

What do you mean? I'll go with you! -No, no...

Don't worry, I'll see you later.

Not later, but why? I can do this... -No, Architect...

Let's finish it now and in the morning we can show it to Emir Bacioghi.

We can show it...but I... -He's very interested.

I know he's...fine.

Let's finish the mosque.

So where are we now? -It's a beautiful perfect sketch.

But what I don't get is this...this part here.

I'll explain it tomorrow. Good night.

Good night. -Good night.

That was quick, darling.

So you're here!

I took a nice long shower and gave myself a facial.

So where would I be?

Here...but for a moment I thought... -What did you think?

I thought...never mind, it's silly.

Why don't I tell you.

You thought I went up to the room with that Bacioghi.

Eh no...how could you imagine such a thing?

But you were wrong even though you'd have tried too.

Look Susie, we're on our honeymoon and I don't need anyone but you...

Exactly! But that lecherous Arab, he tried.

When I got to the room he was waiting outside the door.

No! -Yes!

And he suggested that I come to his room and bathe in his tub.

But how...these tubs don't even fit two.

I gave him a slap he'll remember for awhile.

You slapped Bacioghi! -Yes...and I kicked him too!

A kick too...Bravo!

You did good! Now I'll give him a piece of my mind! Right?

What does he think?

With all his millions he can do what he wants..with my wife?

No sir! I don't care about his mosque.

I don't give a damn! Besides I'm a Catholic. He'll hear from me now.

Excuse me sir, Mister Bacioghi.

Who is it? -It's the architect Punturieri.

I'd like to speak to you, if I'm not disturbing.

I'm sorry but I'm at a loss for words.

Tell me that you're not offended

otherwise I won't sleep tonight.

Of course I'm not offended.

You know how it is with women...so impulsive...that time of the month...

I'm asking your forgiveness also in the name of my wife.

It's all behind us now.

So...I can still expect to work on the mosque?

Of course. My word is sacred, Architect.

Thank you.

Eh? -Would you like to dance?

With who? -With me.

With you?

Perhaps you see someone else? -No, in fact I don't see anyone.

So come here.

Mr. Bacioghi I beg you, I feel embarassed...

Mr. Bacio...

No Mr. Bacioghi, listen...definitely no...No! That's too much.

Excuse me Mr. Bacioghi, you...ah!

Come here habibi. -No habibi no. It's very late...

and my wife is waiting in the room.

Meanwhile I'll go make a colour sketch of the mosque, would you like that?

Come here. It's not that late.

No, for me it's very late. It's past two...

For a moment? -No.

Take off your jacket. -No! That's all I need, no.

Architect, do you want the mosque or not? -Yes.

Mister Bacioghi. -Habibi...

Again with the habibi!

Truly it was a painful scene. What was I to do?

He started crying, he asked me to forgive him.

What could I do, hit him?

No no, you did very well. The main thing is he apologized.

He got down on his knees... and after that we agreed

to meet for breakfast and sign the contract.

Mr. Manager! Mr. Manager...

Is Mr. Bacioghi still in his room? -No he left an hour ago.

He left an hour ago? -Yes, the repairs were done.

So he decided to leave right away.

Did he leave any message for us?

No. And as for last night's bill, he said you offered to pay.

Me?

Like the proverb says,"choose a wife and ox from your own town."

They weren't our kind. -Did you notice Bacioghi had a smell?

From washing once a month in petrol.

I tell you Susie, it's better like this. Imagine going to Bahrain.

Heaven forbid! Without wine, cappucino...

...And our tasty risottino.

They would have made us sleep in tents with the mosquitos.

Did you see how they treat their poor wives?

Medieval...clothes from another century.

Beh, if anything I think he was a bit of a fag.

Carpets! Carpets!

Buy my carpets?

Until very recently they all sold carpets, right?

Would you buy a carpet folks? -No thank you!

How about a beautiful emerald for a thousand lire? -No...

Madam, buy an emerald. It's only a thousand lire for a beautiful emerald.

THE PRINCESS AND THE WAITER

Your Highness, welcome. -It's a lovely day.

Take care of the bags, cherie. Last time they stole my beauty case.

Yes darling...I only wish.

The Princess is so beautiful.

So beautiful.

I can hardly look at her she's so beautiful.

Then don't look at her. -How is that possible?

I have all her photos. All her newspaper clippings.

She drives me wild.

What are you doing? -I'll add it to my collection.

A collection of cigarette butts? -Shh!

I'm sick of you!

What are they saying? -They're speaking German.

German? -No, English.

I despise you. And you can go straight to Hell!

Understand, dearest? -Crazy bitch!

Fuck off!

What'd she say to him? -She told him to fuck off.

Nasty. Asshole. Pig. Faggot.

Bravo.

Yes? A bottle of Dom Perignon to the Royal Suite?

- Fine. - Can I go?

Hurry, a bottle of Dom Perignon to the Princess.

And add it to her bill, eh? -The Princess! The Princess!

I have to take this to the Princess...Ah!!

I've got nothing...No! You won't find guns there, eh!

Go on, go. -Let's go, this way.

Go? Go? I'm going? I go.

What have you brought? -I brought the Dom Perignon 1976.

And the chef on his own initiative,

included Beluga caviar on a bed of fresh onions.

No onions.

I just want to drink. -Yes Princess.

To the face of that asshole my husband.

I shit on my husband. Merde.

Do you know the language?

The last word I got perfectly, Princess.

What's your name? -Me...I'm only a waiter, Princess.

What's your name, I said! -Rapazzoni Stelio.

Stelio? -Yes.

It's a nice name, Stelio. -You think so?

What are you doing? -Who's there?

Princess...Princess I'm crazy about you!

I'm your...your admirer.

I have all...all your photos!

I've followed you for years. I even have your cigarette stub.

Stub? -The remainder of your cigarette.

I wrapped it up and put it in a drawer. I'm crazy, crazy for you.

Will you forgive me? Can you forgive me?

Forgive you? -Yes.

Instead of forgiving you...

I want you tonight.

To teach that pig of a husband a lesson. Ugly fag.

What?

What are you doing down there?

Get up you silly fool.

Princess...you...want me?

Yes, I want a simple lover that is tender, gentle...like you Stelio.

Like this we'll cheat on... -Your husband..Asshole..Pig..Faggot.

How dare you! -But that's what you said!

Only I can say bad things about my husband. Not you.

You just need to give me tenderness. A simple love.

Like that we'll make beautiful love. Come.

I want to feel your smell. -Eh?

The smell of an Italian worker.

I'm so emotional. -Climb up here.

Here...me? -Come...come.

I want romantic love Italian style. -Princess...

I want to feel your smell... -If you insist...

Kiss me. Come here and kiss me. -Kiss?

Princess...

There's a guy in black looking for something.

Princess...he's got a gun too.

Don't worry they're bodyguards.

Yes but... -Don't worry.

They're just doing their duty. -What's he doing?

Say sweet words to me as only a young Italian man can say.

- Of course. - Kiss me.

I'm kissing! -Kiss me on the neck!

I'm kissing you right on the neck. -Don't get distracted.

Princess...

Kiss me. Kiss me everywhere. -There are two more guys over there!

Don't worry they're doing their job!

Kiss me...

It's a bit awkward. -Don't be afraid!

The guy with the vacuum cleaner's distracting.

Give me your love. Give it all to me!

On the neck, I'll try... Ah! Who's that?!

Those two stole 100 lire from me!

Darling! Kiss me I said! -How is it you're not distracted?

Princess, I'm trying to kiss you but... -You make love with your clothes on?

What? -Take off your jacket.

Ahh, the jacket! -Take off your clothes!

The jacket...

I want to see you naked. -You know, naked isn't my best...

Don't worry I love Italian men.

I've always liked them. Come darling, come.

Wait a minute, I just have to check on...

Come. Embrace me darling! -Here I am.

Darling...my neck...on my neck. Here...

What? Oh yes.

Now my shoulder...my shoulder...

my ribs...my spine...my dodo...

Your dodo? -Oh yes.

What's a dodo? -My ass, darling, my ass.

My ass darling... My ass darling...

Now la cheville, la cheville.

La cheville, I forget that one. -My ankle. It gives me the shivers.

The ankle, here it is the ankle.

Ah! It's nothing Princess. -It gives me shivers.

More, more, more.

That plus means...can I go? -Yes. Go go!

My ass. My ass darling. Come dear come.

More. More. -More? Princess...I'm coming, eh?

Just under there? -Lower.

Ohhh, it gives me the shivers.

The other ankle. The other ankle. -Ah, the other ankle.

Princess, Princess, I don't understand anything anymore!

Oh darling!

Keep going. Don't get distracted, kiss me!

Princess, there's a photographer!

Kiss me! -But Princess, there's a...

Don't get distracted! -He's hiding, did you see him?

Where is he? Where is he?

Get him! Get him!

Move the bed! Move the bed!

Don't worry. They're bodyguards doing their job.

Oh my God! -Kiss me!

My head's spinning Princess. Hold on, I have to get off.

You fell off!

Get up darling!

Here I come!

I'm here Princess. -Come and kiss me!

Finally, take me!

Come on, look at me!

At last we're alone.

We can make love.

Take me I'm yours!

But how? It's like the Battle of Anzio here!

Take me!

Long live freedom! Long live anarchy!

Long live Sardinia the free!

It's just the bodyguards. Come to me darling.

I think he's dead.

They're doing their job. Don't get distracted.

It's quiet now, we can make love.

Princess I...excuse me. -Stelio...

Stelio come here!

I can't take this.

Stelio come! Surely you're not impotent?

Me?...No.

ENGLISH SUBS by MOVIOLA