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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:02,000 www.Tvsubtitles.Net 2 00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:15,615 975. 3 00:00:16,549 --> 00:00:18,500 980. 985. 4 00:00:18,500 --> 00:00:20,387 990. 5 00:00:21,821 --> 00:00:24,640 995. 997. 6 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:26,091 998. 7 00:00:26,091 --> 00:00:27,959 1,000! Ah-H! 8 00:00:30,296 --> 00:00:32,797 1,003! 9 00:00:32,797 --> 00:00:35,733 Oh! Oh! Yes sir! 10 00:00:39,237 --> 00:00:43,690 Over 1,000 selfsatisfied customers. 11 00:00:44,191 --> 00:00:46,193 And we're out. 12 00:00:46,193 --> 00:00:48,695 Whoo! 13 00:00:49,179 --> 00:00:51,681 Oh-H. 14 00:00:52,181 --> 00:00:54,183 All right. Ah-H-H. 15 00:00:54,183 --> 00:00:56,185 You take ten, 16 00:00:56,685 --> 00:00:59,188 And then we will start... 17 00:00:59,188 --> 00:01:02,190 Round three. Oh, no can do. 18 00:01:02,190 --> 00:01:04,693 Honey, my dick's down for the count. 19 00:01:04,693 --> 00:01:06,645 Hmmm. Listen now, 20 00:01:06,645 --> 00:01:08,146 There are a lot of fans out there 21 00:01:08,146 --> 00:01:10,115 Who are wanting to see you go for the record. 22 00:01:10,115 --> 00:01:11,565 The record? 23 00:01:11,565 --> 00:01:15,069 Set by the legendary peter pounder. 24 00:01:15,069 --> 00:01:20,574 He once came 6 times in 45 minutes. 25 00:01:21,074 --> 00:01:23,526 6 times in 45 minutes? 26 00:01:23,526 --> 00:01:27,980 I haven't done that since i was 18. 27 00:01:27,980 --> 00:01:29,449 Well then, 28 00:01:29,949 --> 00:01:31,950 Don't you worry your pretty little dick about it. 29 00:01:31,950 --> 00:01:35,921 Twice in 30 minutes is very... 30 00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:39,875 respectable. 31 00:01:39,875 --> 00:01:44,796 Respectable? 32 00:01:44,796 --> 00:01:47,281 Rev up the web cam, boys. 33 00:01:47,281 --> 00:01:49,283 We're going for the gold. 34 00:01:49,283 --> 00:01:50,734 Attaboy, champ. 35 00:01:54,739 --> 00:01:55,739 And we're live. 36 00:02:06,615 --> 00:02:08,117 I made you sausage and peppers, 37 00:02:08,117 --> 00:02:09,617 And i don't want to hear a goddamned word about it. 38 00:02:09,617 --> 00:02:11,119 Are you kidding me? 39 00:02:11,119 --> 00:02:13,122 If it wasn't for you, i'd probably starve to death. 40 00:02:13,122 --> 00:02:15,590 Well, as the mother of a future captain of industry, 41 00:02:15,590 --> 00:02:17,091 I couldn't very well let that happen. 42 00:02:17,091 --> 00:02:19,043 Well, i don't want to burst your bubble, mom, but... 43 00:02:19,543 --> 00:02:22,046 i'm not exactly gonna become a gazillionaire selling comics. 44 00:02:22,046 --> 00:02:24,481 Everybody has to start somewhere, sweetheart, 45 00:02:24,481 --> 00:02:27,484 And you've started. That's what's important. 46 00:02:27,484 --> 00:02:29,952 I'm so proud of you, michael. 47 00:02:29,952 --> 00:02:32,439 You've turned out to be quite a man. 48 00:02:32,439 --> 00:02:37,326 Chew your food. 49 00:02:37,827 --> 00:02:40,296 Hey. Hey. 50 00:02:40,796 --> 00:02:42,298 Uh... i was in the neighbourhood. 51 00:02:42,298 --> 00:02:46,768 Um, you left this at my place. 52 00:02:46,768 --> 00:02:48,769 His place? 53 00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:50,755 I didn't know you were getting laid. 54 00:02:50,755 --> 00:02:53,174 Good for you. 55 00:02:53,174 --> 00:02:54,608 I'm his mother. Yes. 56 00:02:55,109 --> 00:02:56,610 I remember. Oh. 57 00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:57,611 He remembers me. 58 00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:59,046 You're a little hard to forget. 59 00:02:59,546 --> 00:03:01,048 And for your information, i didn't get laid. 60 00:03:01,548 --> 00:03:05,451 Oh. Too bad. 61 00:03:05,451 --> 00:03:06,452 Well... 62 00:03:06,452 --> 00:03:09,322 i have to get back to the diner. 63 00:03:09,322 --> 00:03:12,759 It's nice seeing you again. 64 00:03:12,759 --> 00:03:13,759 Better luck this time. 65 00:03:13,759 --> 00:03:19,681 Bye. 66 00:03:21,666 --> 00:03:23,167 That is some kind of mother you got there. 67 00:03:23,167 --> 00:03:24,668 You don't know the half. 68 00:03:24,668 --> 00:03:26,671 Yeah. I'd like to. 69 00:03:26,671 --> 00:03:30,624 And, i'd like to know all there is to know about you. 70 00:03:30,624 --> 00:03:32,625 Stop, you're making me blush, which... 71 00:03:32,625 --> 00:03:35,128 after growing up with her, you'd think would be impossible. 72 00:03:35,128 --> 00:03:37,131 Yeah. I also wanted to see how you were... 73 00:03:37,131 --> 00:03:40,133 um, how you were doing after last night, 74 00:03:40,133 --> 00:03:42,601 You know, uh, after my big announcement: 75 00:03:43,101 --> 00:03:45,104 "Hi there. My name's ben. I'm 33. 76 00:03:45,104 --> 00:03:46,606 Pisces, love the outdoors, 77 00:03:46,606 --> 00:03:48,607 And i'm hiv positive." 78 00:03:48,607 --> 00:03:50,609 You know, it's, uh... 79 00:03:50,609 --> 00:03:51,610 i still haven't figured out a way to... 80 00:03:52,109 --> 00:03:55,047 drop that bomb gracefully. 81 00:03:55,047 --> 00:03:56,048 I hope i didn't seem too thrown. 82 00:03:56,048 --> 00:03:58,049 It's just the first time it's come up 83 00:03:58,049 --> 00:04:00,001 With someone that i've been interested in. 84 00:04:00,485 --> 00:04:05,923 Interested as in... as in still interested? 85 00:04:05,923 --> 00:04:08,425 Okay, well that's good. 86 00:04:08,425 --> 00:04:11,394 Some guys, you tell them, they run for the door. 87 00:04:11,394 --> 00:04:13,396 So you're not... you're not freaked out. 88 00:04:13,897 --> 00:04:15,849 Please. Right after my mother told me i was gay, 89 00:04:15,849 --> 00:04:17,850 She gave me this big safe sex lecture. 90 00:04:17,850 --> 00:04:19,852 I... i knew how to put a condom on a cucumber 91 00:04:19,852 --> 00:04:21,853 Before i knew how to drive. 92 00:04:21,853 --> 00:04:23,856 Yeah, well... yeah, i... 93 00:04:23,856 --> 00:04:26,858 i was gonna ask you out tonight, but... 94 00:04:26,858 --> 00:04:28,860 now i'm not so sure. 95 00:04:28,860 --> 00:04:30,795 Why not? Well... 96 00:04:30,795 --> 00:04:34,215 michael, a cucumber is a lot to live up to. 97 00:04:38,602 --> 00:04:40,604 What d'ya say, doc? She gonna live? 98 00:04:40,604 --> 00:04:43,040 You got grief in the gearbox, baby, 99 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:44,441 Just like my love life. 100 00:04:44,942 --> 00:04:46,442 So how much are we looking at? 101 00:04:46,442 --> 00:04:47,944 Ooh, it ain't gonna be cheap. 102 00:04:47,944 --> 00:04:49,946 Ah, shit! 103 00:04:49,946 --> 00:04:51,380 Language. 104 00:04:51,380 --> 00:04:52,882 You want to turn our gus into a trash-Mouth? 105 00:04:52,882 --> 00:04:54,367 Like mommy, like son. 106 00:04:54,367 --> 00:04:56,835 Mmmm. 107 00:04:56,835 --> 00:04:58,837 Leda says we're looking at some major repairs. 108 00:04:58,837 --> 00:05:00,772 Oh, no! 109 00:05:00,772 --> 00:05:03,275 Just when we almost have enough saved for the wedding. 110 00:05:03,275 --> 00:05:05,277 Guess we'll just have to cut a few corners, 111 00:05:05,277 --> 00:05:07,778 Like printing up our own invitations on the computer. 112 00:05:07,778 --> 00:05:09,714 I am not having some tacky announcements. 113 00:05:09,714 --> 00:05:11,715 Fine. We can walk to the ceremony. 114 00:05:11,715 --> 00:05:14,168 There must be some other way. Forget my mom. 115 00:05:14,168 --> 00:05:18,639 The early-Bird special was hatched in her honour. 116 00:05:18,639 --> 00:05:20,139 What about your folks? 117 00:05:20,139 --> 00:05:22,141 Huh! What, "huh"? 118 00:05:22,141 --> 00:05:24,577 Honey, you're a dyke, you're marrying a jew, 119 00:05:24,577 --> 00:05:26,578 And you're a registered democrat. Need i say more? 120 00:05:27,062 --> 00:05:28,565 I'll bring it up at dinner tonight. 121 00:05:28,565 --> 00:05:29,566 I thought you didn't want to go. 122 00:05:30,065 --> 00:05:32,501 Now we have a reason to. 123 00:05:32,501 --> 00:05:34,002 I don't want you begging them for money. 124 00:05:34,002 --> 00:05:35,002 I'm not begging. 125 00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:36,504 They paid for all three of my sister's weddings. 126 00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:38,006 They can fucking well chip in for ours. 127 00:05:38,006 --> 00:05:41,909 Language. Language. 128 00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:43,878 So anyone up for babylon tonight? 129 00:05:43,878 --> 00:05:46,380 I can't. I got... i gotta do inventory. 130 00:05:46,881 --> 00:05:48,883 I thought inventory was the last week of the month. 131 00:05:49,382 --> 00:05:51,384 It is when you have a business that's on its feet, but you know, 132 00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:52,886 Uh, when you're just starting out... all right, 133 00:05:53,386 --> 00:05:54,386 So, who is he? Who is he? 134 00:05:54,887 --> 00:05:55,889 Who is he? Who is he? Nobody. Ow! 135 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,390 I bet it's that teacher. 136 00:05:59,391 --> 00:06:00,392 He... he's a professor, 137 00:06:00,392 --> 00:06:01,894 Not a teacher. Oh-Ho. Ah. 138 00:06:01,894 --> 00:06:03,395 The professor. 139 00:06:03,395 --> 00:06:06,398 So, what does that make you, mary ann or ginger? 140 00:06:06,398 --> 00:06:08,367 So when do we get to meet him? Never! 141 00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:09,867 Why? Is something wrong with him? 142 00:06:09,867 --> 00:06:11,369 Something wrong withyou. 143 00:06:11,369 --> 00:06:13,354 I would like this one to live, 144 00:06:13,354 --> 00:06:14,856 Before my best friends devour him. 145 00:06:14,856 --> 00:06:18,775 Hey, you're fetch dixon, aren't you? 146 00:06:18,775 --> 00:06:21,778 Uh, yes. Yeah. Yes, uh, yes i am. 147 00:06:21,778 --> 00:06:23,280 I'm a... i'm a huge fan. 148 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:24,715 Not as huge as you, but... 149 00:06:26,683 --> 00:06:30,186 Why, thank you. That... that... that's so nice. 150 00:06:30,186 --> 00:06:32,188 Could i... see it? 151 00:06:32,188 --> 00:06:33,689 You know, just... for a second? 152 00:06:34,190 --> 00:06:34,640 Show him. 153 00:06:35,141 --> 00:06:36,142 All right... no, no, no, no. 154 00:06:36,142 --> 00:06:37,643 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 155 00:06:37,643 --> 00:06:39,644 Look, if you want to sample the merchandise, 156 00:06:39,644 --> 00:06:42,147 You have to sign on to jerkatwork.Net. 157 00:06:42,147 --> 00:06:45,116 Sorry. 158 00:06:45,116 --> 00:06:48,118 That's the third time today. 159 00:06:48,118 --> 00:06:50,120 Well, you better get used to it. 160 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:51,121 Emmett's a star. 161 00:06:51,121 --> 00:06:53,624 His dick's a star. 162 00:06:53,624 --> 00:06:55,125 He's just the lifesupport system. 163 00:06:55,125 --> 00:06:56,560 Careful, he'll get a swelled head. 164 00:06:57,061 --> 00:06:58,978 Hey, save it for the website. 165 00:06:59,462 --> 00:07:01,465 Will you all just stop? 166 00:07:01,465 --> 00:07:03,466 I'm not a star. 167 00:07:03,466 --> 00:07:05,468 I'm still little old me, 168 00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:07,470 You know, plain old country-Boy from mississippi, 169 00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:09,471 Giving my friend teddy a helping hand. 170 00:07:13,959 --> 00:07:15,894 And the way lynnette's been hinting, 171 00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:18,379 I think i might be a grandmother soon. 172 00:07:18,379 --> 00:07:20,882 You already are... 173 00:07:20,882 --> 00:07:22,383 in case you've forgotten. 174 00:07:22,383 --> 00:07:26,687 I know, dear. 175 00:07:27,187 --> 00:07:30,174 There you are. Mm, thank you. 176 00:07:30,174 --> 00:07:32,175 Uh, mrs. Petersen, 177 00:07:32,175 --> 00:07:33,677 That necklace is so lovely. 178 00:07:33,677 --> 00:07:35,178 Is that red coral from bali? 179 00:07:35,178 --> 00:07:37,112 Why yes. Have you been? 180 00:07:37,613 --> 00:07:38,615 No. No, actually, 181 00:07:39,115 --> 00:07:41,534 My aunt dotty owns a jewelry store. 182 00:07:41,534 --> 00:07:44,036 Lynnette bought it for me on one of her honeymoons. 183 00:07:44,036 --> 00:07:46,038 Don't ask which. 184 00:07:46,038 --> 00:07:48,040 We decided to skip our honeymoon for now, 185 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:50,993 You know, considering all the expenses? 186 00:07:50,993 --> 00:07:52,493 We're out of rolls. 187 00:07:52,493 --> 00:07:53,494 Can we get some rolls here, please? 188 00:07:53,945 --> 00:07:55,913 We should have tried chez denis 189 00:07:55,913 --> 00:07:57,382 Over on the river. 190 00:07:57,865 --> 00:07:59,867 Duncan took lynnette there on saturday. 191 00:07:59,867 --> 00:08:01,368 Had a lovely meal. 192 00:08:01,368 --> 00:08:03,854 We're thinking of having them cater our reception. 193 00:08:03,854 --> 00:08:05,338 Aren't they expensive? 194 00:08:05,338 --> 00:08:07,340 Well, no more than the one lynnette used... 195 00:08:07,340 --> 00:08:08,775 all three times. 196 00:08:08,775 --> 00:08:12,211 You got to admit, she's consistent. 197 00:08:12,211 --> 00:08:13,662 And besides, getting married these days 198 00:08:13,662 --> 00:08:20,553 Is an expensive proposition, no matter what you do. 199 00:08:20,553 --> 00:08:23,555 That's why we were hoping that... 200 00:08:23,555 --> 00:08:25,006 you might be able to help us out a little. 201 00:08:25,006 --> 00:08:27,992 If you see the waiter, could you ask him for some butter? 202 00:08:27,992 --> 00:08:29,994 I mean, we're handling it all by ourselves, but... 203 00:08:29,994 --> 00:08:31,495 we could use some assistance, 204 00:08:31,495 --> 00:08:34,916 No matter how small. 205 00:08:34,916 --> 00:08:36,417 Anything would be helpful. 206 00:08:36,417 --> 00:08:37,367 Honey... 207 00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:39,286 you helped lynnette with her wedding. 208 00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:41,237 That's different. 209 00:08:41,237 --> 00:08:43,723 Why is it different? 210 00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:48,694 Because her wedding was real. 211 00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:52,597 Yours is... 212 00:08:52,597 --> 00:08:59,438 well, i don't know what yours is. 213 00:08:59,438 --> 00:09:00,938 How's your steak, dear? 214 00:09:00,938 --> 00:09:05,943 Just great. 215 00:09:07,394 --> 00:09:09,896 It's been a long time since i made out in the park. 216 00:09:10,396 --> 00:09:12,399 Well, stick with me and maybe you'll get lucky. 217 00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:14,884 Ah, really? 218 00:09:14,884 --> 00:09:16,352 I finished your book. 219 00:09:16,352 --> 00:09:18,321 Oh yeah? "So how... how'd you like it," 220 00:09:18,321 --> 00:09:22,258 The insecure writer asked, trying desperately to sound nonchalant. 221 00:09:22,759 --> 00:09:24,726 I didn't. 222 00:09:24,726 --> 00:09:26,178 I loved it. 223 00:09:26,178 --> 00:09:28,680 You... 224 00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:31,183 especially that part where the customs officials in thailand 225 00:09:31,683 --> 00:09:35,019 Confiscated your hiv meds. Oh, yeah. 226 00:09:35,019 --> 00:09:37,522 That was one of the worst days of my life. 227 00:09:37,522 --> 00:09:40,525 But, as they say, out of adversity, 228 00:09:40,525 --> 00:09:43,027 You know, comes knowledge, and... 229 00:09:43,027 --> 00:09:45,529 i've learned to put my fears aside, and just... 230 00:09:45,529 --> 00:09:48,031 find serenity in the chaos. 231 00:09:48,532 --> 00:09:50,033 I wish i could do that. 232 00:09:50,033 --> 00:09:51,535 I do just the opposite. 233 00:09:51,535 --> 00:09:53,036 I could find chaos in serenity 234 00:09:53,036 --> 00:09:55,538 With my eyes closed. 235 00:09:55,538 --> 00:09:58,541 I think that the secret is to stop regretting the past 236 00:09:59,041 --> 00:10:01,043 And fearing the future, 237 00:10:01,043 --> 00:10:05,029 And... just live in the now. 238 00:10:05,029 --> 00:10:06,998 Sounds like something my mom would say. 239 00:10:06,998 --> 00:10:09,501 She always says, "if you've got one foot in tomorrow 240 00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:12,003 And one foot in yesterday, you'll piss on today." 241 00:10:12,003 --> 00:10:14,454 Actually she says "shit" 242 00:10:14,454 --> 00:10:16,940 But i want... i wanted to clean it up a little. 243 00:10:17,375 --> 00:10:19,743 Yeah, actually, your mom and buddha have a lot in common. 244 00:10:19,743 --> 00:10:21,945 What, jenny craig dropouts? 245 00:10:22,396 --> 00:10:24,180 No. No, um... 246 00:10:24,614 --> 00:10:25,932 he teaches you to... 247 00:10:26,349 --> 00:10:29,101 focus on the smallest details. 248 00:10:29,101 --> 00:10:33,054 You know, the... breeze against your cheek... 249 00:10:33,054 --> 00:10:36,993 the way your shirt falls against your body... 250 00:10:36,993 --> 00:10:40,495 the feel of someone's hand on your back... 251 00:10:40,495 --> 00:10:42,997 helps you realize that... 252 00:10:42,997 --> 00:10:45,500 right now, this moment is... 253 00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:49,420 it's all there is. 254 00:10:49,420 --> 00:10:52,405 Well, if that's true, then... 255 00:10:52,405 --> 00:10:55,342 we should probably take advantage of it. 256 00:10:55,342 --> 00:11:04,734 Yeah. 257 00:11:11,740 --> 00:11:13,742 Come on. 258 00:11:13,742 --> 00:11:16,245 Where are we going? 259 00:11:16,245 --> 00:11:17,745 To experience the now. 260 00:11:34,711 --> 00:11:36,712 Yeah, i've just... i've got an eye for this kind of thing 261 00:11:36,712 --> 00:11:39,215 And i can tell you've got talent... 262 00:11:39,215 --> 00:11:42,218 big, big talent, so... 263 00:11:42,218 --> 00:11:45,221 if you ever want to earn some extra cash, 264 00:11:45,221 --> 00:11:47,722 In your spare time, just, uh... 265 00:11:47,722 --> 00:11:48,723 gimme a call. 266 00:11:48,723 --> 00:11:50,225 We'll set up an audition. 267 00:11:50,726 --> 00:11:51,726 Okay. Good. 268 00:11:51,726 --> 00:11:55,730 Thanks, man. Thanks. 269 00:11:55,730 --> 00:11:58,232 Hey, porn king, 270 00:11:58,232 --> 00:12:01,218 Why don't you introduce me to some of your new friends? 271 00:12:01,718 --> 00:12:04,721 Any time, bri. 272 00:12:04,721 --> 00:12:06,222 Is that a rolex? 273 00:12:06,222 --> 00:12:08,658 You bet it is. 274 00:12:08,658 --> 00:12:11,160 All those years, seeing those wealthy clients come in 275 00:12:11,661 --> 00:12:13,162 With their big cars and their fancy jewelry, 276 00:12:13,663 --> 00:12:15,614 And there i was, this dumb jerk in a cubicle, 277 00:12:15,614 --> 00:12:18,083 Hunched over a computer making them rich. 278 00:12:18,583 --> 00:12:19,585 Now it's my turn. 279 00:12:19,585 --> 00:12:20,568 Hey, there's fetch. 280 00:12:20,568 --> 00:12:24,055 Hey, hon. You're so hot, fetch. 281 00:12:24,055 --> 00:12:25,556 Oooh. Okay. Hi, fetch. 282 00:12:25,556 --> 00:12:27,057 All right. Easy. 283 00:12:27,558 --> 00:12:28,560 Hey, fetch. Boys, there's... there's... 284 00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:30,060 there's more than enough of me to go around for everyone. 285 00:12:30,561 --> 00:12:31,562 Hi. 286 00:12:31,562 --> 00:12:34,981 Whoo! 287 00:12:34,981 --> 00:12:36,983 Ultimately it's all so empty. 288 00:12:36,983 --> 00:12:46,191 You know, at the end of the night, you still go home alone. 289 00:12:46,191 --> 00:12:48,194 But not tonight. 290 00:12:48,194 --> 00:12:49,695 Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it. 291 00:12:49,695 --> 00:12:51,196 What do you think you're doing? 292 00:12:51,196 --> 00:12:52,698 You have a matinee tomorrow. 293 00:12:53,198 --> 00:12:57,152 So? So you need to conserve your strength. 294 00:12:57,152 --> 00:13:00,104 And no more drinking and eating peanuts. 295 00:13:00,104 --> 00:13:02,106 You'll gain weight. Now... 296 00:13:02,106 --> 00:13:04,108 Go home. Get some sleep. 297 00:13:04,607 --> 00:13:09,496 That's an order. 298 00:13:09,963 --> 00:13:11,965 Hi. How's it going? 299 00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:13,966 I'm ted schmidt. 300 00:13:13,966 --> 00:13:16,970 I own jerkatwork.Net. 301 00:13:17,470 --> 00:13:18,471 I've got an eye for this kind of thing 302 00:13:18,971 --> 00:13:20,472 And i can tell you've got big... 303 00:13:20,472 --> 00:13:22,474 So mr. Producer gets to go home with the hottie, 304 00:13:22,474 --> 00:13:25,978 And the poor little star has to go home alone? 305 00:13:26,478 --> 00:13:27,479 Well, he... 306 00:13:27,479 --> 00:13:28,480 He's right. I... 307 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,982 i need to conserve my strength. 308 00:13:31,482 --> 00:13:36,437 Well, let me see your wrist. 309 00:13:36,437 --> 00:13:38,939 That's a stunning watch you're wearing. 310 00:13:38,939 --> 00:13:41,942 I'm not wearing a watch. 311 00:13:41,942 --> 00:13:45,445 Wow, emmett, you're really observant. 312 00:13:45,445 --> 00:13:50,383 He's got a rolex. 313 00:13:50,383 --> 00:13:53,886 And you better hurry home. 314 00:13:53,886 --> 00:13:57,840 A star needs his beauty rest. 315 00:14:09,733 --> 00:14:11,736 I thought when you said you wanted to experience the now, 316 00:14:12,237 --> 00:14:15,689 You meant something spiritual. I did. 317 00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:17,690 This tribe i visited in new guinea 318 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,692 Would dance until they collapsed. 319 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:22,695 It's how they freed themselves from their bodies, from time. 320 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,197 Looked just like this, 321 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,698 Uh, except for the light show, 322 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,633 But, uh, then they had shooting stars. 323 00:14:51,771 --> 00:14:57,710 There's michael with some hottie. 324 00:14:57,710 --> 00:15:01,047 Hey, michael. 325 00:15:01,047 --> 00:15:02,981 Over here. 326 00:15:02,981 --> 00:15:03,932 Oh-Oh. 327 00:15:03,932 --> 00:15:05,851 We've been spotted. 328 00:15:05,851 --> 00:15:07,803 I should warn you, my friends can be a little... 329 00:15:07,803 --> 00:15:08,754 what? Judgmental? 330 00:15:08,754 --> 00:15:11,255 Uh, vicious? Condescending? 331 00:15:11,255 --> 00:15:19,130 So you've met them? 332 00:15:19,130 --> 00:15:20,631 Ben, this is... 333 00:15:20,631 --> 00:15:23,633 ted, justin and brian. 334 00:15:24,117 --> 00:15:25,068 Nice to meet you. 335 00:15:25,068 --> 00:15:27,037 Thought you were taking inventory. 336 00:15:27,037 --> 00:15:28,038 I was. 337 00:15:28,522 --> 00:15:30,973 You look awfully familiar. Uh, did you go to penn? 338 00:15:30,973 --> 00:15:32,925 Uh, yale undergrad, 339 00:15:32,925 --> 00:15:35,828 Uh, then iowa for the creative writing programme. 340 00:15:35,828 --> 00:15:37,813 Ben wrote a book called "r-U-1-2". 341 00:15:37,813 --> 00:15:40,316 Yeah, that's where i recognized you from. 342 00:15:40,316 --> 00:15:42,317 I saw your interview in "the advocate". 343 00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:43,818 I ran right out and bought it. 344 00:15:43,818 --> 00:15:45,237 Oh, really? So you were the one. 345 00:15:46,721 --> 00:15:48,690 Come on. It was... you got great reviews. 346 00:15:48,690 --> 00:15:50,691 I mean, it was so honest, so... 347 00:15:50,691 --> 00:15:53,661 Forthright. It was so, uh... 348 00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:55,612 so revealing. 349 00:15:55,612 --> 00:15:57,614 Yeah, well that's... that's what writers do, you know. 350 00:15:57,614 --> 00:15:59,082 We just, uh, cut ourselves open and... 351 00:15:59,082 --> 00:16:02,084 and bleed all over the page. 352 00:16:02,084 --> 00:16:04,021 I thought you wanted to dance. 353 00:16:04,021 --> 00:16:09,958 See you, guys. 354 00:16:10,425 --> 00:16:12,395 He's really hot. 355 00:16:12,395 --> 00:16:13,813 He's all right. 356 00:16:13,813 --> 00:16:15,814 Looks, brains. 357 00:16:16,314 --> 00:16:17,816 He's a nice guy too. 358 00:16:17,816 --> 00:16:20,818 I'd say he's perfect except for one thing. 359 00:16:20,818 --> 00:16:21,820 He's positive. 360 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:34,681 I got you a croissant. 361 00:16:35,181 --> 00:16:36,182 I don't want a croissant. 362 00:16:36,683 --> 00:16:37,684 You love croissants. 363 00:16:37,684 --> 00:16:41,154 I said i don't want one, okay? So drop it. 364 00:16:42,121 --> 00:16:44,573 I didn't mean literally. 365 00:16:44,573 --> 00:16:47,476 I wish you'd drop it too, this charming mood. 366 00:16:47,476 --> 00:16:48,976 I can't help it. 367 00:16:48,976 --> 00:16:51,980 Oh, i should never have asked them. 368 00:16:51,980 --> 00:16:53,948 So you did. They said no. 369 00:16:53,948 --> 00:16:55,950 Now it's over. 370 00:16:55,950 --> 00:16:58,452 Come on. Let's go look at wedding cakes. 371 00:16:58,452 --> 00:17:00,388 What for? We can't afford one. 372 00:17:00,388 --> 00:17:03,341 Maybe if we're careful, we can save up enough for a ding dong. 373 00:17:03,341 --> 00:17:05,775 Look, we'll find the money to pay for it. 374 00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:09,279 It's not about the money. 375 00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:13,766 It's about... love? 376 00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:15,718 You want them to show you the same attention 377 00:17:15,718 --> 00:17:20,656 They show lynnette. 378 00:17:20,656 --> 00:17:24,125 Maybe we have to put forth more of an effort. 379 00:17:24,609 --> 00:17:26,611 We've never really asked them over to... 380 00:17:26,611 --> 00:17:31,115 see how we live, meet our friends... 381 00:17:31,616 --> 00:17:35,052 which makes us just a guilty as they are. 382 00:17:35,052 --> 00:17:37,555 So, what do we do? 383 00:17:37,555 --> 00:17:40,557 Invite them over. Throw a little party. 384 00:17:40,557 --> 00:17:43,009 You're serious. 385 00:17:43,009 --> 00:17:46,513 If they could see that we're a real family 386 00:17:47,014 --> 00:17:49,515 With a real life just like your sister, 387 00:17:49,949 --> 00:17:53,301 They might feel differently. 388 00:17:53,301 --> 00:17:57,739 Hey, it's at least worth a shot. 389 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:07,181 Come on. 390 00:18:07,181 --> 00:18:08,182 May i show you something? 391 00:18:08,682 --> 00:18:10,184 Yeah. We'd like to look at wedding cakes. 392 00:18:10,184 --> 00:18:11,685 Oh, lovely. They're... 393 00:18:11,685 --> 00:18:13,136 "i'm positive." 394 00:18:13,136 --> 00:18:14,622 It was the first thing out of his mouth. 395 00:18:14,622 --> 00:18:15,573 After your dick. 396 00:18:16,073 --> 00:18:17,490 It's commendable that he told you, 397 00:18:17,490 --> 00:18:18,491 But it still doesn't change the fact 398 00:18:18,992 --> 00:18:20,927 That you're playing with fire. 399 00:18:20,927 --> 00:18:22,928 I mean, what happens if a condom breaks, 400 00:18:22,928 --> 00:18:24,931 Or he's flossing his teeth and his gums bleed. 401 00:18:24,931 --> 00:18:25,865 Or if he shoots his load 402 00:18:25,865 --> 00:18:27,366 And you're bending over to tie your shoe 403 00:18:27,366 --> 00:18:29,368 And it accidentally flies up your ass. 404 00:18:29,368 --> 00:18:30,869 Jesus christ, brian, 405 00:18:31,370 --> 00:18:32,821 Do you have to make a fucking joke out of everything? 406 00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:34,323 Even your best friend's safety? 407 00:18:34,323 --> 00:18:35,257 I know how to be safe. 408 00:18:35,757 --> 00:18:37,258 No, you think you do. 409 00:18:37,258 --> 00:18:39,243 We all do. 410 00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:40,244 It's more than just being careful. 411 00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:42,747 It's knowing that you're living with death, 412 00:18:42,747 --> 00:18:45,249 Knowing that ben has something inside him that could kill him, 413 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:48,184 And if you have just one little fuck-Up, 414 00:18:48,184 --> 00:18:51,187 One moment of forgetfulness, just one mistake, 415 00:18:51,187 --> 00:18:54,658 It could kill you too. 416 00:18:54,658 --> 00:18:56,609 I think you're being a little dramatic, teddy. 417 00:18:56,609 --> 00:18:58,093 There are plenty of guys 418 00:18:58,093 --> 00:18:59,595 Who have boyfriends who are positive. 419 00:18:59,595 --> 00:19:02,081 Well, those people aren't michael. 420 00:19:02,581 --> 00:19:03,582 And you weren't so fucking nonchalant 421 00:19:04,083 --> 00:19:05,534 When you thought you might have been infected. 422 00:19:06,034 --> 00:19:07,518 Look, i appreciate your concern, 423 00:19:07,518 --> 00:19:09,454 But you're talking about ben like he's a disease 424 00:19:09,955 --> 00:19:12,407 And not a person. 425 00:19:12,407 --> 00:19:14,409 And if you were seeing someone that you cared about 426 00:19:14,409 --> 00:19:16,843 Who was positive, i think you'd feel differently. 427 00:19:16,843 --> 00:19:18,845 No, i'm sorry. I... i know it's not politically correct 428 00:19:18,845 --> 00:19:20,347 Or even nice, but no, i wouldn't do it 429 00:19:20,847 --> 00:19:22,316 No matter how much i liked the guy. 430 00:19:22,316 --> 00:19:23,767 Wouldn't do what, honey? 431 00:19:23,767 --> 00:19:27,219 Date someone who's positive. 432 00:19:27,219 --> 00:19:30,206 Well that's a hell of an attitude. 433 00:19:30,206 --> 00:19:32,441 And i've gotta say i'm kinda surprised hearing it from one of you, 434 00:19:32,441 --> 00:19:33,959 Considering all the guys you fuck. 435 00:19:34,427 --> 00:19:36,361 Yeah, numbers may vary from person to person. 436 00:19:36,861 --> 00:19:39,365 I mean, one of you could be positive. 437 00:19:39,365 --> 00:19:43,868 The reason you're not certainly isn't because you're alwayscareful. 438 00:19:43,868 --> 00:19:46,754 I know goddamn well that isn't true. 439 00:19:46,754 --> 00:19:48,723 You're lucky. 440 00:19:49,174 --> 00:19:52,092 You're fucking lucky. 441 00:19:52,092 --> 00:19:53,560 So don't tell me you couldn't love somebody 442 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:57,564 Just because they're not as fortunate as you are. 443 00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:59,565 It's all the more reason to, if you ask me. 444 00:19:59,565 --> 00:20:00,500 Thank you, mother. 445 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,386 What for, honey? 446 00:20:03,386 --> 00:20:14,278 Ben's positive. 447 00:20:14,278 --> 00:20:15,781 So, can i get you guys anything else? 448 00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:22,753 Mm-Mm. Thanks. 449 00:20:22,753 --> 00:20:25,756 You're on in five minutes. Where have you been? 450 00:20:25,756 --> 00:20:27,258 Oh, um... 451 00:20:27,758 --> 00:20:29,259 preparing... 452 00:20:29,759 --> 00:20:30,760 a list. 453 00:20:31,261 --> 00:20:33,763 Well, you can do your grocery shopping later, okay? 454 00:20:33,763 --> 00:20:36,716 It's, uh, it's not that kind of list. 455 00:20:43,223 --> 00:20:45,224 "Private dressing room with toilet, 456 00:20:45,724 --> 00:20:47,226 Rotating bed, 457 00:20:47,226 --> 00:20:49,227 10% of gross profit". What the fuck is this? 458 00:20:49,711 --> 00:20:52,180 Uh, they're... they're called artist's demands. 459 00:20:52,180 --> 00:20:54,582 "Lube"? What's wrong with the lube? 460 00:20:54,582 --> 00:20:56,050 That grease is so cheap, 461 00:20:56,050 --> 00:20:57,552 You could fry chicken in it. 462 00:20:57,552 --> 00:20:59,986 This is a joke, right? 463 00:20:59,986 --> 00:21:01,989 If it is, i fail to see the humour. 464 00:21:01,989 --> 00:21:04,941 Oh, um, don't, uh, don't forget that one. 465 00:21:04,941 --> 00:21:07,377 Kind of my favourite. 466 00:21:07,877 --> 00:21:09,378 Your name over the bed. 467 00:21:09,862 --> 00:21:12,365 Well, i... am the star. 468 00:21:12,365 --> 00:21:13,799 The star gets top billing. 469 00:21:13,799 --> 00:21:16,736 I was thinking of using just "fetch". 470 00:21:16,736 --> 00:21:18,236 You know, like cher. 471 00:21:18,737 --> 00:21:20,238 All, uh, all done up, twinkly lights, 472 00:21:20,706 --> 00:21:22,174 So, uh, so my friends can see it 473 00:21:22,174 --> 00:21:23,174 When you pull back for a long shot. 474 00:21:23,174 --> 00:21:25,677 Well, excuse me, cher, but, uh, 475 00:21:25,677 --> 00:21:28,679 There's only one long shot your fans are interested in, 476 00:21:28,679 --> 00:21:29,680 So come on. 477 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,649 Less yak and more jack. 478 00:21:31,649 --> 00:21:34,084 What about my demands? 479 00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:38,471 You mean these? 480 00:21:38,471 --> 00:21:40,974 Look... 481 00:21:40,974 --> 00:21:43,476 emmett... 482 00:21:43,976 --> 00:21:45,478 if it weren't for me, 483 00:21:45,478 --> 00:21:47,979 You'd still be moonlighting as a naked maid, 484 00:21:47,979 --> 00:21:50,483 "Buffing in the buff" trying to pick up a few extra bucks, okay? 485 00:21:50,483 --> 00:21:52,918 Yeah, and, uh, and if it weren't for me, 486 00:21:53,418 --> 00:21:54,920 You'd still be a pencil-Pusher 487 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:56,871 Pulling your pud. 488 00:21:56,871 --> 00:21:58,373 Oh, so i owe all this to you? 489 00:21:58,373 --> 00:22:01,842 Hmmm. Difficult question. Let me think. 490 00:22:01,842 --> 00:22:03,794 Yes! 491 00:22:03,794 --> 00:22:06,297 I can replace you whenever i want. 492 00:22:06,297 --> 00:22:09,250 Then we'll see how quickly your fans forget. 493 00:22:09,250 --> 00:22:10,251 Really? Really. 494 00:22:10,251 --> 00:22:13,102 Dicks like you... 495 00:22:13,603 --> 00:22:18,007 dime a dozen. 496 00:22:18,007 --> 00:22:19,509 Well, i tell you what. 497 00:22:19,509 --> 00:22:22,511 You find some twinky with a dinky, 498 00:22:22,511 --> 00:22:24,513 And see how far you get. 499 00:22:24,513 --> 00:22:26,465 Oh, and when you do, 500 00:22:26,465 --> 00:22:28,934 Give him this. 501 00:22:28,934 --> 00:22:36,891 He's going to need it. 502 00:22:37,391 --> 00:22:38,893 Last time i saw you cleaning thetchotckes 503 00:22:39,393 --> 00:22:42,395 Was when michael moved away with david. 504 00:22:42,395 --> 00:22:45,399 I'm just sick of seeing this place like a goddamned pigsty. 505 00:22:45,899 --> 00:22:49,903 That's all. 506 00:22:50,403 --> 00:22:52,404 Would you stop windexing for half a second 507 00:22:52,404 --> 00:22:54,908 And talk to me? 508 00:22:55,407 --> 00:22:57,409 I can't. 509 00:22:57,409 --> 00:23:00,912 Why not? 510 00:23:00,912 --> 00:23:05,416 It's personal. 511 00:23:05,416 --> 00:23:08,419 What could be personal after you've wiped my ass? 512 00:23:08,419 --> 00:23:13,925 You haven't wiped mine. 513 00:23:14,425 --> 00:23:16,760 You've already cleaned that clown... leave me alone! 514 00:23:17,211 --> 00:23:18,212 Shit! 515 00:23:18,212 --> 00:23:24,684 Now look what you've done. 516 00:23:26,185 --> 00:23:28,688 I'm sorry. 517 00:23:28,688 --> 00:23:49,990 Sis. Sis... get away. 518 00:23:49,990 --> 00:23:52,993 This new guy... 519 00:23:52,993 --> 00:23:56,496 that michael's dating, this, um... 520 00:23:56,496 --> 00:24:01,000 this ben... 521 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,436 he's positive. 522 00:24:03,936 --> 00:24:06,421 Oh. 523 00:24:06,421 --> 00:24:08,323 So? 524 00:24:08,824 --> 00:24:12,828 So... 525 00:24:12,828 --> 00:24:15,279 i don't want him dating anyone who's sick. 526 00:24:15,780 --> 00:24:20,751 Who said he's sick? 527 00:24:20,751 --> 00:24:23,753 I knew i couldn't talk to you about it. 528 00:24:23,753 --> 00:24:26,256 So negative people shouldn't be allowed to date positive people, 529 00:24:26,756 --> 00:24:32,646 Is that it? Don't twist my words. 530 00:24:32,646 --> 00:24:35,147 Then what are you saying? 531 00:24:35,147 --> 00:24:37,150 He's my son. 532 00:24:37,150 --> 00:24:46,592 I don't want him gettin' anything. 533 00:24:47,092 --> 00:24:50,595 I never thought i'd say this... 534 00:24:50,595 --> 00:24:52,096 but for the first time in my life, 535 00:24:52,096 --> 00:24:54,097 I wish my son wasn't gay. 536 00:24:54,097 --> 00:24:57,035 You don't mean that. 537 00:24:57,035 --> 00:25:00,037 Not if it means i have to watch him puking, 538 00:25:00,037 --> 00:25:03,539 And shitting and wasting away to nothing. 539 00:25:03,539 --> 00:25:04,540 I can't listen 540 00:25:04,540 --> 00:25:05,976 To any more of this. 541 00:25:05,976 --> 00:25:12,931 Do you think i want michael to end up like you? 542 00:25:12,931 --> 00:25:16,319 Jeez. 543 00:25:16,319 --> 00:25:17,819 Oh, shit! 544 00:25:17,819 --> 00:25:22,823 Michael. 545 00:25:23,325 --> 00:25:24,826 I'm just getting some stuff and then i'm out of here. 546 00:25:24,826 --> 00:25:25,827 Honey... 547 00:25:26,328 --> 00:25:27,328 look, michael, sweetheart... 548 00:25:27,328 --> 00:25:28,829 how could you talk that way to uncle vic? 549 00:25:29,330 --> 00:25:30,331 You really hurt him. 550 00:25:30,764 --> 00:25:33,767 People say a lot of things when they're upset. 551 00:25:33,767 --> 00:25:37,704 And i'm upset. I'm very fucking upset. 552 00:25:37,704 --> 00:25:39,706 And, uh, and how long were you gonna wait 553 00:25:39,706 --> 00:25:42,659 Before you told me about ben? 554 00:25:42,659 --> 00:25:44,160 I didn't think you'd care, 555 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,662 Especially after all noble sentiments and hash browns 556 00:25:46,662 --> 00:25:50,599 You were dishing out at the diner. 557 00:25:50,599 --> 00:25:52,601 All right. 558 00:25:52,601 --> 00:25:56,537 I'm gonna make you very, very happy. 559 00:25:56,537 --> 00:25:59,974 You always wanted a normal mother? 560 00:25:59,974 --> 00:26:02,977 Okay, you got one. 561 00:26:02,977 --> 00:26:04,478 I don't want you dating that guy. 562 00:26:04,478 --> 00:26:06,930 I don't care what you want. 563 00:26:06,930 --> 00:26:09,933 And don't tell me who to date. I'm 30 years old. 564 00:26:09,933 --> 00:26:11,935 Who i date, and what i do, 565 00:26:11,935 --> 00:26:17,940 Is none of your goddamn fucking business. 566 00:26:22,861 --> 00:26:24,863 We're really lucky. 567 00:26:24,863 --> 00:26:26,864 What? Living in this land of plenty? 568 00:26:27,348 --> 00:26:33,821 Hmmm. Roll over. 569 00:26:33,821 --> 00:26:35,822 Every time michael and ben have sex, 570 00:26:35,822 --> 00:26:38,743 Think of all that they have to deal with. 571 00:26:38,743 --> 00:26:42,245 It's michael's decision. 572 00:26:42,245 --> 00:26:44,698 Is that a pimple on your ass? 573 00:26:44,698 --> 00:26:45,698 Where? Right there. 574 00:26:46,198 --> 00:26:47,199 Where? Right there. 575 00:26:47,199 --> 00:26:53,689 Shut up. 576 00:26:53,689 --> 00:26:56,191 No matter how long they're together, 577 00:26:56,191 --> 00:26:58,694 Even if it's forever, 578 00:26:58,694 --> 00:27:00,195 They can never do it raw. 579 00:27:00,695 --> 00:27:03,698 Um... neither have we. 580 00:27:03,698 --> 00:27:06,201 Yeah, but we could... 581 00:27:06,201 --> 00:27:11,205 if we wanted. 582 00:27:11,205 --> 00:27:13,707 I mean... 583 00:27:13,707 --> 00:27:20,129 we're both negative. 584 00:27:20,129 --> 00:27:23,132 You want me to fuck you bareback? 585 00:27:23,633 --> 00:27:25,635 Yes. 586 00:27:25,635 --> 00:27:27,637 Come inside your tight little ass? 587 00:27:27,637 --> 00:27:32,641 Do it. 588 00:27:32,641 --> 00:27:36,611 Fuck me. 589 00:27:36,611 --> 00:27:40,614 Fuck... yourself. 590 00:27:40,614 --> 00:27:45,619 What? You stupid little twat. 591 00:27:45,619 --> 00:27:48,621 Never let anyone fuck you without a condom. 592 00:27:48,621 --> 00:27:50,106 You're not just anyone. 593 00:27:50,106 --> 00:27:52,108 Yeah, i'm sure that's what ben thought 594 00:27:52,108 --> 00:28:00,048 About the guy who infected him. 595 00:28:00,549 --> 00:28:09,474 Put it on me. 596 00:28:09,974 --> 00:28:19,983 Hmm. 597 00:28:19,983 --> 00:28:26,406 Hmm! 598 00:28:33,913 --> 00:28:37,415 I want you safe. 599 00:28:37,415 --> 00:28:39,919 And i want you around for a long time. 600 00:28:51,412 --> 00:28:54,348 Okay. The tea service is polished, 601 00:28:54,348 --> 00:28:55,849 The flowers are all arranged. 602 00:28:55,849 --> 00:29:00,220 Those vegetarian roll-Ups look scrumptious. Huh. 603 00:29:00,220 --> 00:29:02,171 How do i look? 604 00:29:02,672 --> 00:29:03,673 Like a fucking nun. 605 00:29:03,673 --> 00:29:08,094 What happened to your tits? 606 00:29:08,094 --> 00:29:10,046 Who knew my year working in a piercing salon 607 00:29:10,046 --> 00:29:12,514 Would come in so handy. 608 00:29:12,514 --> 00:29:13,932 That's tasha and her harp. 609 00:29:14,432 --> 00:29:19,871 Somebody get the door. 610 00:29:19,871 --> 00:29:21,372 I was hoping you were the harp. 611 00:29:21,372 --> 00:29:23,874 I'm into fucking not plucking. 612 00:29:23,874 --> 00:29:26,377 What happened to your tits? 613 00:29:26,377 --> 00:29:29,880 Hey, sonny-Boy, your old man's here to rescue you. 614 00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:30,848 Hi, 615 00:29:30,848 --> 00:29:33,416 I'm leda. 616 00:29:33,416 --> 00:29:36,419 Ah, melanie's evil ex. 617 00:29:36,419 --> 00:29:38,855 And you must be the anti-Christ. 618 00:29:39,355 --> 00:29:40,856 Big fan. 619 00:29:41,356 --> 00:29:41,857 Oh, don't bother, 620 00:29:42,341 --> 00:29:43,325 It's a virgin. 621 00:29:43,325 --> 00:29:45,811 The sitter's coming for gus this afternoon. 622 00:29:45,811 --> 00:29:47,312 Take him to the park. 623 00:29:47,312 --> 00:29:49,314 Be careful on the swings. Don't get him dirty. 624 00:29:49,314 --> 00:29:50,815 Be back by 2:00. 625 00:29:50,815 --> 00:29:52,817 And, wear something... nice. 626 00:29:52,817 --> 00:29:54,753 Anything else? Shave. 627 00:29:54,753 --> 00:29:58,723 My balls are as clean as a whistle. 628 00:29:59,707 --> 00:30:01,658 Tasha, finally. 629 00:30:01,658 --> 00:30:03,560 Leda, can you show her where to put it? 630 00:30:05,046 --> 00:30:06,496 It's too easy. 631 00:30:06,997 --> 00:30:09,449 We're trying to make lindsay's parents feel at home. 632 00:30:09,449 --> 00:30:10,950 Well, you should have rented caskets. 633 00:30:10,950 --> 00:30:12,919 I say we greet 'em wearing strap-Ons. 634 00:30:12,919 --> 00:30:15,905 Ever been fucked by a dyke with a dildo? 635 00:30:15,905 --> 00:30:17,406 Is that an offer? 636 00:30:17,406 --> 00:30:19,325 This is really important to lindsay, 637 00:30:19,325 --> 00:30:28,683 So could both of you keep your fucking, foul mouths shut? 638 00:30:28,683 --> 00:30:33,605 They're not coming. 639 00:30:33,605 --> 00:30:36,039 Are we surprised? 640 00:30:36,039 --> 00:30:38,041 Mom said daddy slipped a disc and... 641 00:30:38,041 --> 00:30:39,542 he'll be on his back for days. 642 00:30:39,542 --> 00:30:41,478 Well, that i'd like to see. 643 00:30:41,478 --> 00:30:42,913 Shut up, brian. 644 00:30:51,754 --> 00:30:53,756 It was like an episode of the "twilight zone". 645 00:30:53,756 --> 00:30:55,257 Huh. My favourite was the one 646 00:30:55,257 --> 00:30:56,758 Where you could trade in your old body 647 00:30:56,758 --> 00:30:59,193 For a hot, new one. 648 00:30:59,193 --> 00:31:03,198 She actually said she wished i wasn't gay. 649 00:31:03,198 --> 00:31:11,088 Well, i'll always be glad you're a big, fat queer. 650 00:31:11,088 --> 00:31:14,490 You two make a beautiful couple. 651 00:31:14,490 --> 00:31:15,925 Hey, there. 652 00:31:15,925 --> 00:31:17,360 Aren't you sweet? 653 00:31:17,860 --> 00:31:20,330 Hi, sweetie. 654 00:31:20,330 --> 00:31:21,831 And your baby looks just like you. 655 00:31:27,202 --> 00:31:31,707 So sweet. 656 00:31:31,707 --> 00:31:33,708 You know, she's right. What are you talking about? 657 00:31:34,208 --> 00:31:35,710 The baby's the spitting image of you. 658 00:31:35,710 --> 00:31:39,664 I mean debbie. 659 00:31:39,664 --> 00:31:40,648 You should forget ben. 660 00:31:42,083 --> 00:31:44,084 What the fuck do you know? Well, let's see. 661 00:31:44,084 --> 00:31:46,537 I know advertising, 662 00:31:47,038 --> 00:31:48,471 And i know you. 663 00:31:48,471 --> 00:31:50,457 Those ads you see for the cocktails 664 00:31:50,957 --> 00:31:52,392 With the greatlooking guys 665 00:31:52,392 --> 00:31:53,892 Skiing and mountain-Climbing, 666 00:31:54,393 --> 00:31:56,896 Like all you have to do is pop a little protease inhibitor, 667 00:31:56,896 --> 00:32:00,382 And you too can have the time of your life. 668 00:32:00,883 --> 00:32:01,884 Well, it's just... 669 00:32:01,884 --> 00:32:03,351 kind of tough downhill racing 670 00:32:03,851 --> 00:32:06,322 When you've got non-Stop diarrhea. 671 00:32:06,322 --> 00:32:08,306 I can handle it. Well... 672 00:32:08,306 --> 00:32:11,259 then handle it. 673 00:32:11,759 --> 00:32:15,263 Kiss it. Jerk it off. Just... 674 00:32:15,763 --> 00:32:20,150 don't fall in love with it. 675 00:32:20,650 --> 00:32:22,651 Mrs. Petersen? Melanie. 676 00:32:22,651 --> 00:32:30,126 What a surprise. 677 00:32:30,126 --> 00:32:32,127 Unfortunately, i'm just on my way out. 678 00:32:32,127 --> 00:32:34,630 George, barbara, is that you? 679 00:32:34,630 --> 00:32:38,633 Mr. Petersen. 680 00:32:38,633 --> 00:32:39,634 I was expecting... 681 00:32:39,634 --> 00:32:42,119 someone else? 682 00:32:42,119 --> 00:32:44,122 Congratulations on your speedy recovery. 683 00:32:44,122 --> 00:32:47,057 Well, you know how it is with these back things. 684 00:32:47,057 --> 00:32:49,059 One minute you can't stand up. The next minute... 685 00:32:49,059 --> 00:32:52,980 playing mixed doubles. 686 00:32:52,980 --> 00:32:54,481 This is very awkward. 687 00:32:54,481 --> 00:32:56,983 Awkward? 688 00:32:56,983 --> 00:33:00,486 That you couldn't come over to our house for a couple of hours? 689 00:33:00,486 --> 00:33:02,488 Lindsay's been working her ass off for you. 690 00:33:02,488 --> 00:33:04,474 Would it be so fucking hard to show up? 691 00:33:04,474 --> 00:33:07,893 Language. Language. 692 00:33:07,893 --> 00:33:10,896 Your excuses are bullshit. 693 00:33:10,896 --> 00:33:12,330 All she wants from you 694 00:33:12,330 --> 00:33:14,332 Is to show her a little support. 695 00:33:14,332 --> 00:33:16,267 The only reason you want us to come to your party 696 00:33:16,267 --> 00:33:18,269 Is so that we'll write you a cheque. 697 00:33:18,269 --> 00:33:19,687 Nancy, please. 698 00:33:19,687 --> 00:33:20,688 Why not admit it? 699 00:33:20,688 --> 00:33:24,675 Look, i know what you think about me. 700 00:33:24,675 --> 00:33:26,176 I'm the slick jew lawyer 701 00:33:26,176 --> 00:33:29,163 Come to shake you down for a few shekels. 702 00:33:29,163 --> 00:33:32,132 The dyke who corrupted your daughter. 703 00:33:32,132 --> 00:33:33,616 Well, you're wrong. 704 00:33:33,616 --> 00:33:36,535 I'm lindsay's loving partner, 705 00:33:36,535 --> 00:33:38,538 And gus' adoring mother. 706 00:33:38,538 --> 00:33:40,023 And i know 707 00:33:40,023 --> 00:33:43,492 That i will never cause him the pain that you've caused her. 708 00:33:43,492 --> 00:34:20,809 He'll never have to wonder whether or not i love him. 709 00:34:20,809 --> 00:34:22,310 Are we gonna talk? 710 00:34:22,310 --> 00:34:26,815 Or are we just gonna rake the whole goddamn neighbourhood? 711 00:34:26,815 --> 00:34:30,801 If you want to talk, talk. 712 00:34:30,801 --> 00:34:34,303 You know i didn't mean what i said... 713 00:34:34,303 --> 00:34:39,809 well, for it to come out the way it did. 714 00:34:39,809 --> 00:34:43,745 I've just had it with this fucking disease. 715 00:34:43,745 --> 00:34:47,250 Tell me about it. 716 00:34:47,250 --> 00:34:54,189 I know, baby. 717 00:34:54,189 --> 00:34:59,143 I just can't go through it again. 718 00:34:59,143 --> 00:35:01,645 What makes you think you'll have to? 719 00:35:01,645 --> 00:35:05,082 Michael doesn't have hiv. Ben does. 720 00:35:05,082 --> 00:35:07,585 And there's nothing in his life that's not gonna be affected by it, 721 00:35:07,585 --> 00:35:10,086 Including michael. 722 00:35:10,086 --> 00:35:14,524 And what affects michael, affects me. 723 00:35:14,524 --> 00:35:17,026 It's like what they say about marriage; 724 00:35:17,026 --> 00:35:20,028 You don't just get them. You get the whole damn family. 725 00:35:20,028 --> 00:35:24,533 Yeah, well i'm not so crazy about the in-Laws. 726 00:35:34,041 --> 00:35:38,044 I mean, even if they have safe sex... 727 00:35:38,044 --> 00:35:40,982 what if something happens? 728 00:35:40,982 --> 00:35:47,987 What if michael comes to us, and he says, "i've got it"? 729 00:35:47,987 --> 00:35:53,943 What do we do? 730 00:35:53,943 --> 00:35:59,365 First we'd die. 731 00:35:59,865 --> 00:36:17,748 And then we'd deal with it. 732 00:36:23,669 --> 00:36:25,671 This party sucks. 733 00:36:25,671 --> 00:36:30,142 I prefer to think of it as mellow. 734 00:36:30,142 --> 00:36:33,645 I'm going to go upstairs and swallow a bottle of xanax. 735 00:36:33,645 --> 00:36:36,648 Good idea. 736 00:36:37,148 --> 00:36:39,651 Fucking flowers are making my allergies go berserk. 737 00:36:39,651 --> 00:36:42,152 Oh! Well, gee, that's a good reason to leave. 738 00:36:42,653 --> 00:36:44,154 And leave me alone 739 00:36:44,154 --> 00:36:47,591 With the ladies who munch? No way! 740 00:36:47,591 --> 00:36:49,593 Uh, well... 741 00:36:49,593 --> 00:36:54,030 in that case, i guess there's only one thing we can do. 742 00:36:54,030 --> 00:36:58,985 Yay! 743 00:36:59,485 --> 00:37:01,486 You know, i can honestly say there is, uh, 744 00:37:01,486 --> 00:37:03,973 There's not one thing here i'd put in my mouth. 745 00:37:03,973 --> 00:37:06,975 That's a first. 746 00:37:07,476 --> 00:37:09,411 Excuse me? 747 00:37:09,411 --> 00:37:15,750 This food's the worst. 748 00:37:15,750 --> 00:37:17,752 Oh, did i... did i tell you, michael, 749 00:37:17,752 --> 00:37:20,253 That i received a, uh... a very... 750 00:37:20,253 --> 00:37:24,258 very lucrative offer from cocks'r'us.Net? 751 00:37:24,258 --> 00:37:28,111 Why no, emmett, you didn't. 752 00:37:28,612 --> 00:37:30,613 Did i tell you, michael, about my new star? 753 00:37:31,113 --> 00:37:32,115 Dick long. 754 00:37:32,115 --> 00:37:33,550 Not only lives up to, 755 00:37:33,550 --> 00:37:35,534 Butsurpasseshis name. 756 00:37:35,534 --> 00:37:36,969 You don't say. 757 00:37:36,969 --> 00:37:38,387 You can tell, uh, mr. Schmidt, 758 00:37:38,387 --> 00:37:41,390 If you happen to see his wizened countenance, 759 00:37:41,390 --> 00:37:44,393 That he still owes me my last paltry paycheque. 760 00:37:44,393 --> 00:37:46,394 And, uh, you can tell mr. Honeycutt, 761 00:37:46,394 --> 00:37:50,898 Whose ass has more tread marks than a steelbelted radial, 762 00:37:50,898 --> 00:37:53,901 If he doesn't come by and pick up his personal effects, 763 00:37:53,901 --> 00:37:55,902 His dildoes will be donated to charity. 764 00:37:55,902 --> 00:37:57,404 Why don't you tell each other yourselves? 765 00:37:57,404 --> 00:37:59,405 And while you're at it, why don't you both apologize 766 00:37:59,405 --> 00:38:00,907 For acting like a couple of idiots? 767 00:38:00,907 --> 00:38:02,409 I'm the one who created him. Yeah. 768 00:38:02,409 --> 00:38:04,410 He would be out of business if it weren't for me. 769 00:38:04,410 --> 00:38:05,411 You could show a little gratitude. 770 00:38:05,411 --> 00:38:07,413 And you could show a little generosity. 771 00:38:07,413 --> 00:38:08,913 And you both could show a little maturity. 772 00:38:08,913 --> 00:38:10,416 It's none of your goddamned business, who the fuck asked your opinion 773 00:38:10,416 --> 00:38:22,394 Anyway? Michael. Just butt out. 774 00:38:30,834 --> 00:38:32,803 Mmmm. 775 00:38:48,633 --> 00:38:50,635 Enjoying the view? 776 00:38:50,635 --> 00:38:52,637 Huh. Go away. 777 00:38:52,637 --> 00:38:55,139 Make me. 778 00:38:55,139 --> 00:38:57,142 Your party really sucks. 779 00:38:57,142 --> 00:38:58,642 That's already been well established, 780 00:38:58,642 --> 00:39:06,150 If you've been paying attention. 781 00:39:06,150 --> 00:39:10,103 You really... give a shit what they think? 782 00:39:10,103 --> 00:39:21,113 They're my parents, brian. 783 00:39:21,113 --> 00:39:23,614 I know i shouldn't care. 784 00:39:23,614 --> 00:39:27,101 I shouldn't let it hurt me. 785 00:39:27,101 --> 00:39:31,606 It's not my job to please them... 786 00:39:32,105 --> 00:39:37,327 to make them happy. 787 00:39:37,327 --> 00:39:38,829 You remember... 788 00:39:39,329 --> 00:39:41,831 what's his name, um... 789 00:39:41,831 --> 00:39:47,319 billy the asshole's birthday party in junior year? 790 00:39:47,319 --> 00:39:49,822 When rebecca tucci dumped me? 791 00:39:50,322 --> 00:39:52,825 Those were the days. 792 00:39:52,825 --> 00:39:54,827 Jeez, is this supposed to cheer me up? 793 00:39:54,827 --> 00:39:57,829 I was a wreck. 794 00:39:57,829 --> 00:40:00,265 Not for long. 795 00:40:00,265 --> 00:40:02,767 Oh, thanks to you putting "e" in the punch, 796 00:40:03,268 --> 00:40:04,769 Some... loose women and... 797 00:40:05,270 --> 00:40:07,271 the b-52s. 798 00:40:07,271 --> 00:40:09,690 Well, those who don't learn their lessons, 799 00:40:09,690 --> 00:40:13,694 Are condemned to repeat their courses. 800 00:40:33,345 --> 00:40:35,330 The bitch is back. 801 00:40:35,330 --> 00:40:37,248 Come and dance with me, baby. 802 00:40:37,248 --> 00:40:38,749 Check the server? 803 00:40:38,749 --> 00:40:40,185 Double check the connection... 804 00:40:52,061 --> 00:40:56,064 how do you like it. 805 00:40:56,064 --> 00:40:58,418 Does that offer still stand? 806 00:41:02,888 --> 00:41:03,889 Oh-Ho-Ho-Ho. 807 00:41:14,815 --> 00:41:16,801 Mom! 808 00:41:16,801 --> 00:41:21,188 Daddy! 809 00:41:21,188 --> 00:41:23,657 You call this brunch? 810 00:41:23,657 --> 00:41:25,157 Hey, how about some punch? 811 00:41:25,157 --> 00:41:28,078 Mel, no. 812 00:41:28,078 --> 00:41:31,046 Uh, i thought you weren't coming. 813 00:41:31,046 --> 00:41:32,548 We changed our minds. 814 00:41:32,548 --> 00:41:34,549 Oh. And from the look of things, 815 00:41:34,549 --> 00:41:36,018 We shouldn't have. 816 00:41:36,018 --> 00:41:37,469 Hi. 817 00:41:37,469 --> 00:41:40,788 We're just having some fun. 818 00:41:40,788 --> 00:41:42,774 You call this fun? 819 00:41:42,774 --> 00:41:45,276 Well, it may not be your idea of fun, but... 820 00:41:45,276 --> 00:41:47,779 yes. 821 00:41:50,130 --> 00:41:51,632 Everyone, i'd like you to meet my parents... 822 00:41:53,133 --> 00:41:55,135 the guests of honour. 823 00:41:55,135 --> 00:41:57,054 You needn't introduce us. 824 00:41:57,054 --> 00:42:00,022 We're not staying. 825 00:42:00,022 --> 00:42:01,958 Come on, ron. 826 00:42:01,958 --> 00:42:03,459 You know, the whole point of this party 827 00:42:03,459 --> 00:42:05,928 Was to prove that we're just like you, 828 00:42:05,928 --> 00:42:08,380 So that you'd accept us, 829 00:42:08,380 --> 00:42:10,382 The way that i've tried to accept you. 830 00:42:10,382 --> 00:42:13,802 I didn't realize that i needed to be accepted. 831 00:42:13,802 --> 00:42:16,771 You're right, mom, you don't. 832 00:42:16,771 --> 00:42:17,772 Neither do we. 833 00:42:37,473 --> 00:42:39,474 All. 834 00:42:56,891 --> 00:43:04,397 Come for my personal effects. 835 00:43:04,397 --> 00:43:12,404 I have your cheque. 836 00:43:12,404 --> 00:43:14,406 I'll be as quick as i can. 837 00:43:14,406 --> 00:43:15,407 Emmett, i... please, 838 00:43:15,908 --> 00:43:16,908 Let's just, uh... 839 00:43:16,908 --> 00:43:19,411 Let's not say anything more. We've... 840 00:43:19,411 --> 00:43:39,262 both made our positions painfully clear. 841 00:43:39,763 --> 00:43:45,769 I, uh... 842 00:43:45,769 --> 00:43:49,205 your fans are going to miss you. 843 00:43:49,205 --> 00:43:54,125 Well, i'm sure dick long will help them forget. 844 00:43:54,626 --> 00:43:58,129 Ah, well, actually he's... 845 00:43:58,129 --> 00:44:03,017 only a dick medium. 846 00:44:03,017 --> 00:44:07,972 You're by far my biggest attraction. 847 00:44:07,972 --> 00:44:10,473 And i... i suppose i do... 848 00:44:10,473 --> 00:44:13,476 Owe my fame... such as it is... 849 00:44:13,978 --> 00:44:18,982 and my fortune, such as it isn't... 850 00:44:18,982 --> 00:44:24,937 to you. 851 00:44:25,437 --> 00:44:26,438 Five per cent. 852 00:44:26,938 --> 00:44:29,941 That's a very, uh, generous offer... 853 00:44:30,441 --> 00:44:32,444 teddy, but, um... 854 00:44:32,444 --> 00:44:33,945 It's not just about the money. I mean, for me, 855 00:44:33,945 --> 00:44:47,457 I-It's always been about the art. 856 00:44:47,457 --> 00:44:50,459 The finest lubricant... 857 00:44:50,459 --> 00:44:52,462 water soluble... 858 00:44:52,462 --> 00:44:56,965 heated t. 98.6 degrees. 859 00:44:56,965 --> 00:45:08,876 I... i appreciate the gesture, but... 860 00:45:21,338 --> 00:45:26,342 i'm so sorry i underestimated you. 861 00:45:26,342 --> 00:45:31,797 You're more than just an enormous dick. 862 00:45:31,797 --> 00:45:35,784 You're my friend. 863 00:45:35,784 --> 00:45:39,237 And you're mine. 864 00:45:39,237 --> 00:45:49,196 Oooh! 865 00:45:49,196 --> 00:45:51,632 So, what do you say? 866 00:45:51,632 --> 00:45:55,635 I'm ready for my close-Up, mr. Schmidt. 867 00:46:03,642 --> 00:46:08,146 Mmmm. 868 00:46:14,585 --> 00:46:19,023 Condoms? 869 00:46:19,023 --> 00:46:21,959 Bathroom. 870 00:46:21,959 --> 00:46:26,430 I'll get them. Okay. 871 00:47:04,097 --> 00:47:05,599 Find them? 872 00:47:05,599 --> 00:47:26,984 Found them. 873 00:47:26,984 --> 00:47:28,986 I can't do this. 874 00:47:28,986 --> 00:47:32,973 Here. Let me try. 875 00:47:32,973 --> 00:47:39,980 No, i mean i can't... 876 00:47:39,980 --> 00:47:42,982 i thought i could... 877 00:47:42,982 --> 00:47:44,984 that i could handle it but... 878 00:47:44,984 --> 00:47:48,988 i guess i was just fooling myself. 879 00:47:48,988 --> 00:47:53,992 I'm sorry. 880 00:47:54,492 --> 00:47:58,496 Don't apologize. 881 00:47:58,997 --> 00:48:02,499 It's, uh, better we find out now... 882 00:48:02,499 --> 00:48:26,622 Before... before someone gets hurt. 60752

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